Skylarblue75: new and really messed up

[btdt]

Hi Alto,

I saw an endochronologist back in 2007, 6 months after I gave birth to my second son, thats when the thyroid enlargement was found on U/S and my thyroid levels were low normal, I've been running low normal for years, and have had all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, nothing has been done. Just told to exercise,lose weight and watch my diet.

I've seen 2 endochronologists in the past year, they both didn't know what to do with me, I've had a radio iodine uptake an scan that showed that my thyroid uptake of iodine is low. The scale was 15-23, I was 16. The most recent U/S of my thyroid shows thyroidmegly with focal cyst, the iodine uptake and scan showed the cysts weren't hot or cold. My Obgyn is recommending i see a repoductive endo at PENN in Philadelphia. My new PCP wants me to have an MRI of my brain focusing on the pituitary gland and also of my adrenals. I'm waiting for the pre-authorization from my insurance company so I can have  both MRI's. I've had high urine cortisol and high normal blood cortisol, but low salivary cortisol. Then we will go from there, I know there is a condition called central hypothyroidism that involves issues being caused by the pituitary itself and it can cause other hormone imbalances as well. I've been dealing with hormone problems since I was 12.  Ugh so frustrating! I've had so much lab work done and strange things come back, but can't find a doctor that can piece the puzzle together.

". The most recent U/S of my thyroid shows thyroidmegly with focal cyst, the iodine uptake and scan showed the cysts weren't hot or cold"

Had the same on US not sure what that word means I will have to look it up there was a cyst.. the iodine uptake was same not hot or cold they said they did not see the cyst.  

When I had this test it was two part I was to be back there to finish exactly 24 hours after the start... I showed up some tech trouble had my apt delayed over an hour... I slept at least that long sitting up in a chair in the office.  I was too out of it to ask about tests..procedures or results.  I dd esquire later was told they did not mark any of that on my file and that the results were normal.  The Thyroid doc did 24 hour urine ordered me to take Vit d ... I could not tolerate it.. could not sleep would jump out of my skin after 3 days anxiety was skyrocketed. ... she seen me and promptly went on vacation for a month... so I had not recourse I took it a few days stopped a few days to sleep... did the best I could.  After a month she did 24 hour urine and told me the vitamin D was too low I had to take more.  Complete waste of my time and breath to even talk to her not to mention ruining one more month of my life...making it worse...all for nothing guess she got paid... but that is all.  She is the only endo doc in my city. 

I am so tired of doctors it would seem I have given up on trying to find one to help. I have had not hormone trouble before this till excessive bleeding when I had ovarian cysts while on Effexor... another side effect of effexor... ovarian cysts.  We thought the cysts were causing the excessive bleeding but after the ovary and cysts were out the bleeding continued then he gave me a hemophiliac drug.  Which made me sick. I also had a gastro bleed at this time bleeding gums unexplained bruising all at the same time. Much later I learned Effexor can cause platelet changes that can cause all this.  

I had an MRI on my brain to rule out MS when I started all this nonsense no focus on the pituitary changes in the white matter not like MS was what it showed. My adrenals have never been checked.  

I will be watching to see if they actually find anything conclusive with this testing they never did with me and I had a lot of tests.  None showing anything to treat that would make a difference.  Except I did have high sugar and high lipids which I treated with diet... my choice.  

We have a lot in common.  My last period was when I was on effexor it lasted a month when I quit I never had a period again. 

[bubble]

Hi Skyler.

 

as about everything, you know quite a lot and have done everything you could think of about the thyroid issue.

 

I remembered reading from other members about their thyroid problems an ways of dealing with it but couldn't remember who in particular. Now I found that it was Karma and thought maybe something from her experience might be useful for you. Here is her thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1502-karma-tapering-effexor-gabapentin-and-xanax/page-9

[pokiok]

Hi Skylarblue,

 

Just wanted you to know that I feel almost the exact same way, to the point where I could have actually written a lot of your intro.  Please feel free to PM me and we can commiserate...

 

Best,
Pokiok

[WinningThrough]

How are you Skylarblue? Just dropping by to say hello and I'm sending thoughts.

[Skylarblue75]

Hey everyone, havent posted in a bit because my computer is down, having problems with my Internet service, cable company is coming out today to fix it. Im still struggling everyday. I cant take the constant anxiety,restlessness the crying every single day, feeling so exhausted but having difficulty sitting still. The suicidal thoughts are back strong, my mind wont stop racing, anger and rage outbursts been pretty much nonstop for 23 months. My husband saids he wants a divorce, he cant take me acting so crazy all the time. This is tearing my family apart,im so scared I want this to be over,ive had enough, I dont want ti take my life but I cant take this anymore and what it is doing to my family. This is not me at all. Help me im scared

[WinningThrough]

Skylarblue I am so very sorry. I have all those symptoms, not that that's any consolation to you. You're not long off the meds and are in acute just now.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. If only he could see that this isnt your fault and that this is so typical of withdrawal syndrome. Has he read any of the other stories on here? Perhaps if he did he would realise that this is an actual thing just as flu is or any other illness, and it's not something you can control.

 

I hope a window opens up for you soon and you are able to get some relief. Take care.

[Skylarblue75]

Winning through, my husband doesnt know what to think anymore, I've showed him info about ssri and benzo withdrawal, he wants to believe me but he finds it hard to believe. He wants an actual doctor to say that my irrational and crazy behavior for almost 2 years now is all from the drugs. I told him there aren't many doctors that acknowledge this. No windows for me, not since last year. I really cant do this for more years to come. Why wont a window come??? This really is killing me slowly, it stinks, my baby turns 2 tomorrow and I cant enjoy or plan anything for him

[WinningThrough]

I am so sorry.

[Muddles]

I am sorry. You are not alone. Everything you write is what I feel everyday - bless our beautiful children. We did not ask for this. This is not your fault.

[Skylarblue75]

Thank you muddles and winning through, I think im hitting a really bad wave because my period is due to start any time now, I hate hormones!!! I've been a crying, anxious, restlessness mess all day today, feeling like im losing my mind. The suicidal thoughts scare the crap out of me. This is insane. I keep praying for peace, strength and courage to indure this.

[bubble]

Thinking about you too. Read the whole of your thread to see whether it has really been this dreadful all that time. It's not that I don't believe you. I very, very much do. It's just that I know what tricks our mind plays on us in such situations: borrowing the gloomiest colours from the present it paints both our past and future very dark.

 

I'm so happy you were able to see it as a moment that has its aggravating cause in PMS. Moments pass. While reading your thread all over again, I was again reminded of that almost incredible amount of medication that was thrown at you. Now this is over and you are healing. You are doing everything humanely possible to facilitate this healing and I somehow believe that your husband is also having a bad moment. You will be with your son for his birthday and that is what matters. Sometimes we have to set our expectations very low to feel as much or as little of pleasure as we can squeeze from a moment. When I compare my functioning and my suffering at one particular moment with my optimal function (or what I imagine or want it or expect it to be), I can feel very miserable. But when I compare it with my really desperate moments, I feel a certain pleasure. (Unless this is one such desperate moment...) Sorry for my rant.

 

Thank you for reaching out and we are here rooting for you.

 

hugs,

bubble

[btdt]

I once wrote about a long bad stretch I just made a post about it now actually.  Alto said she had not heard of it.  same thread...

I recall it a bad turn at around 18 months off and made a post about it at another site.  I had a lot of private messages about that post because many other people had this same experience.  I talked on a few other sites other than this one and the one I first made a post about this.  

When I had the wave at 18 months it was a different sort of wave a different sort of withdrawal... a very negative state to be in and it lasted quite a long time.  I am sorry I made posts about it in good faith at another site and expected those posts to remain there... I was foolish to believe that as they have all been deleted... two other sites beside that one have also been deleted... I am fairly confident in saying that it is common for a good number of withdrawal people to  have this down turn based on the posts on these other sites.  

I don't know if this helps you much it does come to a very slow end tho it was long standing for me.  I think some may go thru it with less intensity that could account for not everyone saying it or maybe some don't have it... 

I know that at that point I was thinking healing was going to go more or less as it had getting a bit better over time and I was not at all prepared for this when it hit... it was one of the hardest hits of the entire withdrawal ....the only good thing I can say is that it very gradually ends. 

peace.

[Skylarblue75]

Bubble, I am pretty much the way I described in my intro and posts 24\7. The anxiety and restlessness with the crying, agoraphobic etc. The mornings are horrible everday and definitely I see a pattern with hormonal fluctuations. I dont leave my house to go normal things that I used to without someone, but even that is rare. Its hard for me to drive and I have to, because my oldest son is in a summer camp, thank god its only 5 minutes away from my house. Its hard to be around people,or out in public im in a constant state of dp/dr Im screaming to get out of this body that doesnt feel like me. I feel suicidal every single day, my kids are the only reason I haven't taken my life, several attempts have been made, but im still here. Was never like this before in my life. I really dont think that this is ever going away. I eat healthy,try to exercise daily, dont drink or smoke have never taken any illegal drugs in my life. Ive never even gotten a speeding ticket. It seems like good people in these situations always get the crap end of the deal. Sorry for my rant, not trying to have a pity party, just very tired and frustrated and want some form of me and life back

[thisismyname]

skylar, I know you may not want to hear this...but I think you need to go back on something, stabilize and then taper slowly. 

[Skylarblue75]

Hey this is my name, I have tried to reinstate, if you look at my prior posts, it doesn't work. Thank you for the suggestion. My body has become so sensitive now. I wish that reinstating something would have worked, but unfortunately I now have paradoxical reactions

[Skylarblue75]

Hey btdt, how are you doing? Thanks for the response, can I ask you a question, did you have anxiety that seemed never ending. If this stupid anxiety/restlessness would die down, I would be coping better, being afraid to leave my house and being around people is killing me!! Ugh! I can deal with the physical crap, not the mental.

 

Hugs and prayers to you

[btdt]

I use to sit in the car and fight with myself about going in to buy groceries... there is nothing to do with these drugs I have not had in the 18 year dance.  Yes I had it that is the short answer. 

[Skylarblue75]

Btdt, so the anxiety you experienced went away eventually

right? Im not coping too well with the anxiety crap, I hate the fear that goes with it too, I have no reason to be fearful, and I tell myself that the fear is totally irrational. I wish this constant feeling of fight or flight would stop. I mean 2 years of this crap is getting really old. Sorry to sound like like a cry baby, but the "pull up your boot straps and pull you s*** together" attitude that ive been trying to im ploy isn't working, but that's what Im expected to do. There has to be a light at the end of this horrible experience?

[bubble]

Dear Skylar,

 

I will never forget my years of debilittaing anxiety. I was 22 and lived in a students' dorm. I had a panic attack while leaving my room. There was that extreme irrational fear and my brain felt as if being engulfed by complete darkness. I though I was losing my mind and it felt like dying. I was shaking uncontrolably and shivering with cold although it was a hot summer outside. For the next 2 weeks I was not able to leave my room. I was bed-ridden and my sister who lived with me was scared. Her fear manifested in anger towards me and accusing me of being spoilt since I would ask her to bring me some food from the restaurant. She said I had two healthy legs and arms and that there was no reason she should be doing it for me. So I was often hungry. I thought I would die if I went to the students' reastaurant...

 

After 2 weeks my father took me home so I spent the next 2 months in bed in sheer agony counting days when the hols will finish, my therapist come back and we could resume the therapy which I believed would save me. My parents had no idea what to do with me so they just let me be. One day my aunt came to visit us and she saw what kind of state I was in so told me to come with them. They lived in a small town at the foot of a hill and she went for long walks. She asked me to come with her. She is not the kind of person you can argue with so I went feeling like I was going to die. We would walk through the town and into the woods and walk slowly for hours. After an hour my dread decreased, after maybe two hours I began noticing the things around: green leaves, hearing birds, rustling of leaves, shadows, smells...It helped that my aunt would ramble about things from eveyrday life and expect me to drop a line every once in a while. It helped me not to brood. I spent a few weeks with her and after some time began looking forward to walks. My unbearable anxiety subsidied tremendously. I was able to move around, slowly but I could.

 

There were a few similarly debilitating panic attacks that would leave me a shattered, agorophobic bundle of fear. Each time walks in nature pulled me out. First 20 minutes would initially be unbearable but the trick was in long and slow moving and exposure to all the healing elements. 2 or 3 hours of very slow wandering. My aunt had her personal experience with panic attacks. she is a simple country woman very distrustful of doctors and medication, psychiatrists and their medication are for her devils and their work. She told me she would just move, get out of the house, get out of bed. She would constantly tell me staring at the ceiling can't be any good. I later learnt that her approach has in a way been "scientifically" confirmed and called forest bathing. It's not hard to imagine what sort of beneficial effects it has on our body and CNS. But I would say that the trick is that it's long, at least 1 hour despite how you feel. 20 minutes or less just confirm this feeling that we have: I can't do this... 

 

It passes and this is what worked for me. 

[Skylarblue75]

Hi bubble, thanks for the reply,I do force myself out, yesterday I had to go to the store, I had my two older sons with me not the baby. Both my older sons have adhd so going anywhere with them is difficult. Anyway, driving there was difficult, going into the store was difficult. I came home and just lost it. This normally is something I could do, I love going to the store, have never been fearful to drive, or afraid to be alone. Just sitting here typing this thinking about it is sending me into a panic attack. This is obsolutly ridiculous! ! Im losing hope, everyday more of me is slipping away. Im alone being like this trying to care for 3 kids. My boys don't understand why mommy cant do things like she used to, why she cries all the time. Now I understand why people take their lives going through this, because this is not living at all. I miss my family and friends so much, but I cant tolerate being around people, it doesn't make any sense, what has happened to me??

[btdt]

I am sorry I have been late in reply to you.  Often I was put back on a drug to "treat" these issues.  

I caved not because I was trying to not take any drugs but because I simply could not function the worst of this agoraphobia as I see it now looking back... came from prozac and paxil...both these drugs for me personally were the worst for this long term side effect of anxiety and agoraphobia and sleeplessness... I will add chronic fatigue and pain to the list.

 

I do not advocate going back on any type of ssri snri drug... that is just me others may have a different opinion. It all comes down to what you can stand I think and how much peace you can carve out of you life as it stands.  Healing requires some things of us personally and part  of it may well be perspective and not panicking ... sadly this may only come with experience and that is not always a guarantee. There are times where these sort of things still can grab me I will say it is rare now and mostly concern issues that would be a problem for anyone.  Death of a loved one serious injury things like that.  

 

I am going to try to give the best advice I can from what I have read of your posts and it is not a complete reread as I am a bit off just now.  I hope to give you some food for thought.

 

Just now kids are out of school and demand more of you.  Hormones are still an issue for you and yes it counts.  Life is making demands a bit higher than you would normally have and that is how it goes. We always have to adapt to what life presents as the world does not stop turning and wait for us to catch up.

 

I think at this point your doing a lot better than you think if you consider all the demands that are put on you and the long term grind effect this has had on your life.  It can't be under estimated that other people don't get this and the effect it can have on our healing and how we see ourselves and our progress. We can be actually improving be it slow but when others become impatient with out improvement or we have waves that throw us back to what seems to be the beginning ... well they don't get it.  I myself deal with this alone as folks in my life have long since stopped hearing me...about this issue and I have had to cut them some slack as it is ...unknown... basically and it is bad enough that I have to go thru this I see no sense in dragging those I love along with me every painful inch of it.  So I get that they don't get it... I expect and appreciate it... at the same time I do my best to not be mad at them for their impatience as surely if this were a real issue the world would know and everyone would be talking about it and support would be every where...right... that is how they see it... and I can't blame them for it. It is not their fault anymore than it is your or my fault. It just is and we need to get our heads around how to deal with this. 

 

So bottom line we will have people we love dearly who do not get this even tho they are trying their best and when they get impatient with the process we can often get down on our own process and see it thru their eyes. Even our old eyes where if we were not living it we would not believe it either. It does make a difference especially to us who are sensitive and struggling. There is not one thing we can do about this except to understand it and to prepare ourselves best we can for the effect it will have on our healing and ourselves.  The effect it has had on me is that I do not feel as close to others not the way I once did as a huge part of me is not understood.  I feel lonely and outside life a lot of the time... simply because I don't want to drag people with me and to be truthful they can't always quite make the leaps of faith it takes to understand this process.  I have explained it as best I can when they had ears to hear and now I am done with it.  I realize it may be different for a spouse I am single and do not have that specific issue.  I think this is a lonely process in general as it is outside the norm of general experience for most people.  I think this is why I find places like this invaluable to me the last several years it is a place to be understood to learn and to regroup my strength.  Having extra demands made on me in the early days changed how I seen my progress and withdrawal wave too changed how I seen it.

 

I am saying all of this for this reason.  I think you are improving and not seeing it well.  I know you will likely feel I do not hear you and I truly hope this is not the case... I hope I am hearing you fine and that this perception is part of the issue ...I am NOT saying you do not still have a ways to go obviously you do.  What I am saying is the first few years it is hard to see improvement and these things I have said above are maybe part of the reason.  Even tho it seems you back to square one your body and brain are doing something... they are.  They are working hard.  When life adds extra things to the mix it may seem we are not gaining ground when we are and just can't see it. We are gaining skills and we are gaining experience all the time with each bit we live thru.  It may not seem that way I know but the under currant is changing and it will present itself bit by bit.  I can't say when.

 

With the cold turkey from Effexor the last of my deals I was at least 2 years or more dealing with this but agoraphobia was not as bad as with the prozac or paxil... but it was there.  

 

I went to very few family things... Christmas was the only one I can think of and one year I missed that.

 

I seriously think your doing better than you know.  I also think you deserve a lot of credit and accolades for keeping your life and the life of your kids working as smoothly as it is.  You are functional to a degree that is good enough for now... and it will get better it is a time thing.  It is also a lack of support and lack of understanding thing if other knew how much effort it took to keep up the amount of functional life you maintain they would be astounded.  You are building strength all the while. 

 

Now I would like to speak to time for your self... to do the healing maintenance that needs to be done.  I know your walking I wonder if your getting any down time as in deep relaxation.  For me this was essential to my surviving and for some odd reason I resist it. Or I have to hit a wall before I will attend to myself in this way. 

 

I hope that was not too much information it may have been.  

Short answer is yes it gets better and no two years is not too long to still be feeling all these things especially in a long wave. Taking time out and doing relaxation was imperative to me at this point.  I did not have three small children to look after my hat is off to you... I think your amazing. 

I wish you peace.   

[btdt]

After all that I once again found this video that I love which explains how this goes. I hope it helps you understand the process. 

 

[Petunia]

Hi Skylarblue,

I just read through your thread, I'm so sorry for everything you are going through.  In an earlier post, Bubble mentioned something about your symptoms being like mine, its true, I relate to much of what you are experiencing.  I could have written  this myself.  I think I have written something similar in my own thread.

 

,I do force myself out, yesterday I had to go to the store,....... driving there was difficult, going into the store was difficult. .....This normally is something I could do, I love going to the store, have never been fearful to drive, or afraid to be alone. ..... I miss my family and friends so much, but I cant tolerate being around people, it doesn't make any sense, what has happened to me??

 

Even now, after being here on this site for over a year, I still frequently ask myself the same question... what has happened to me?  My whole life I've believed that no matter how difficult something is, there is always a way to overcome it, to look at it in a positive way and get around it, to push through the difficult feelings and fix things.  I've done a lot of cognitive behavior therapy over the years and so I've been brainwashed to believe that thinking and acting differently can cure these kinds of things, but its not true.  What we have is something physical, whether 99.9% of doctors recognize it or not, we can't just think or behave ourselves cured.

 

I get the inner shaking/tremors, sweats and chills, agoraphobia, fear of driving.  I used to have overwhelming dread just going for a walk or trying to take a shower, but those things have improved now.

 

I don't have young children, I'm a single mom of a teenage girl.  She's more like an adult now, but I think the most challenging part of withdrawal I've had to go through was teaching my daughter how to drive while being in acute withdrawal.  Just having to drive by myself had me shaking and pouring with sweat, certain I was going to be in a fatal car accident during every moment, so added to that the stress of trying to teach my daughter how to drive, I don't know how I did it.  But there was no one else to do it, she needed to practice so that she would pass her test and I was sure my life was going to be over soon and she needed her independence so she could get around without me... that was my thinking.

 

But it gets better, it really does.

 

I still don't like going out, especially earlier in the day.  I don't shake or sweat while driving any more, in fact its become very much like it used to be, but the trauma of how it was still plays on my mind, so I'm usually hesitant, until I actually get in the car and realize (again) that its ok now.

 

I still have a lot of symptoms and they are all worse earlier in the day, some days better than others, but I'm recovering, there is no doubt.  I don't want to fill up your thread with my story, but I wanted to give you some hope, to say I know what you are experiencing because I've been there, its real, but it does get better, slowly.

 

I don't know if reading my thread would help, I've been documenting and describing my recovery process for about a year now.  Some people find it helpful to read the experiences of others, some don't.  The link is in my signature.

 

I can't imagine how difficult this must be while taking care of young children, I admire your strength, the power of love truly is a force beyond any other.  I've had to painfully learn how to let go of expectations of myself, things that I'm temporarily not capable of.  Its difficult not being able to be who we know ourselves to be, but I've found that struggling against reality causes more stress, when I can relax with what is, I feel calmer, and being calm aids faster recovery. 

 

You will get through this, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.  It may take longer than you would like, but you will recover, we all will.

 

Petu.

[Altostrata]

Have you tried magnesium and fish oil, as bubble suggested? See

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/
http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1300-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/
 

[btdt]

If I were going to make a suggestion and I am not sure I am it would be epsom salt foot baths or baths ... next would be taurine. 

If you try any of these supplements in pill form start at one sixth the dose and work up... a reaction can last a  long time ...who needs it..not us.

peace

[Skylarblue75]

Petu, thank you for your kind words, this whole experience is just horrible. I now cant even drink decafe anything, I tried decafe green tea the other night and I was up all night. And I tried fish oil and just soaking my feet in epsom salt foot bath and they both aggravated my symptoms. The agoraphobia and constant fear is really taking its toll. My parents came down from Connecticut this weekend for a visit and just having them here puts me over the edge. This is all crazy I feel like I have every mental health disorder in the book all wrapped into one package. My husband and family just don't believe this could be caused by drugs, they feel either I'm severely mentally disturbed or there's something medically wrong with me and doctor's haven't figured it out yet. Im scared and feel so alone.

[Skylarblue75]

Btdt, thank you for the video

[Heart]

Yes, there's something medically wrong - your poor little nerve cells have to be completely Jonesing from that cabinet full of meds they tried on you. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you.

[Skylarblue75]

Just wanted to post that today for me is 18 months off benzos and only 2 months off the most current drug lexapro. I should be rejoicing, but im still in the thick of all this wd crap!

[Skylarblue75]

Hi heart, how are you doing today? Thank you for thinking of me, it means a lot. My body and brain feel totally out of control, ugh!! One minute I'm a crying,panicking, pacing feeling like im losing my mind, then the next minute the physical stuff kicks in. Then I'll get a minute if feeling normal.

[Heart]

Where you are sounds so rough.

 

2 months out for me was bad (well, once the protracted withdrawal kicked in) and 18 months out was still bad. When I was at 18 months out from when the withdrawal kicked in (last summer) I took a road trip to visit a friend to get a much needed vacation (of course, there's no vacations from yourself). I was still so messed up that I drove 12 hours straight, no stops except gas. I had what you described as "chronic fatigue, but feeling wired". Usually I can drive 3 hours, 4 hours tops before I have to pull over, but at that time I pulled into her driveway feeling exactly the same as when I got into the car 12 hours earlier and felt that like I could easily just turned around and drove right back. This stuff is just so horrible and bizarre. But that was also about when some things started turning around for me and it was only a few months after that I was happily able to almost fall asleep behind the wheel again. (Am I helping yet?)

 

And right now, I don't feel bad, and I'm feeling a lot better then I did then. My coping skills improve and so does my situation - so the gap keeps narrowing.

 

Just hold on - those little nerve cells are working so hard. Take care of yourself.

 

Heart

[btdt]

I am sorry the foot bath aggravated you it is the simplest least affecting thing I can think of.  The only other least affecting thing would be water... I did water therapy for digestion to cleanse my system... 4 glasses in the morning brush you teeth really well and eat within the hour.  I chose bran and not the buds but the old fashioned stick one.  It helped me get a bit more normal.  Do you find any changes in how you feel with any foods?  Tuna for instance does it help you? I found tuna helped me and would eat it when I felt like I was taking a bad turn... and I was out and could not go to bed.  Yes  I was in bed a lot I was a complete whimp that is why I say you completely amaze me with how much you have kept yourself together... like another on here I think it is the love of your kids keeping you going. 

I could not drink any tea or coffee either water became my mainstay... the first thing I added that seemed ok was ovultene... not sure how to spell it but when winter hit I wanted something warm in the mornings and found it not too bad. 

Since it is such a short time off the antidepressant I am hoping you see an improvement in the next few months... even next month maybe... I know I should not say that and get your hopes up and I am going only on myself.... for me the early stuff seemed to go in 3 month increments... just a general thing... not to the day or anything. 

Please keep us posted especially of any changes as a change can point to perhaps the next step... and maybe some more helpful ideas. Time is still the greatest healer from what I can see of the situation.  Time is passing and will keep passing...so what can you do to make the day a bit better for yourself.  Does anything at all help... baths... relaxation have you found one thing you can do that helps?  For me when I found one thing... the first thing was EFT... on utube and yes I felt like a gear box doing it... but there was this slimmest feeling that it helped a smidgen... it gave me so much hope... it was amazing to think I had finally found one thing I could do ...even to find a smidgen of improvement.  Finding tools to get thru this time is a worthwhile investment.  

I am glad you like the video for me it is the bomb... I love it. 

I wish you peace and hope your day was a good one relatively speaking. 

[btdt]

About the family and what they think... I know it hurts a lot to go thru this and not have anyone understand.  I don't know what to do about that other than find a doctor who gets it... if you could.  I don't think there are any in Canada not that I have heard of.  So I can't speak to it... but I did see Alto suggested you find one if you could.  

I don't know about it...really I have such distrust of doctors at this point... it has worked for some I guess I just can't see myself going to one tho I did try countless times to get help in the early days ... it always hurt me more.  

I don't know what type of resume it would take to convince me a doctor knew what to do about this now I am just rambling.  I know Alto is trying to get a list of doctors together and we have to start some place with this.  I am just dragging my feet and unhelpful. So I will shut up about it except to say if there were that diamond out there some place maybe the doctor Alto seen perhaps... 

if you could see that doc maybe he could convince your family.  

I did this before... I went to the doctor because people were worried for me and convinced me I needed to see one ...back on drugs I went... longer on drugs I don't think was the right answer to me but I did not know about withdrawal or tapering then.   Everybody felt better because every time I went to a shrink I would come back and say oh they know what it is now... and it is treated by this... so many times the story changed the dx changed... so many times I would just get sick again... it is no way to live and for me it was a trap.

I seen doctors and went on drugs to appease the family and doctors both of whom did not understand this.  It does make for a lonely way to go as not too many people get this... but you have us.  I hope it is enough I hope it gets batter soon. 

peace

[Skylarblue75]

I know sweets,supplements,medications and any beverages that are not water set me off. Food is hard to tell, because the anxiety is the same level, except when I try the above mentioned. This is all crazy, will I always be this sensitive, what am I going to do if I become sick and need medications. The doctos that I've delt with all think im nuts and need to be hospitalized and medicated because im so mentally ill. Why do I get the feeling that this is permanent, I cant go on like this. Every supplement, medication now effects me mentally and physically. Im tired of being told that I'm doing this to myself, that im making myself think that im sensitive to medications etc. That this is all in my mind and I need to stop acting like this, snap out of it, just stop carrying on and go to another psych doctor and get on meds because I obviously need them. I cant even look at pictures of me prior to ever touching an antidepressant because I was me and during the time on because it wasn't me. Maybe I do have serious mental health issues and im in total denial. I want my mind and body back. I tired of feeling like im insane 24/7 and thinking u should run off to the psych ward because that's where I belong. I dont know how im going to handle taking my son today to see a specialist. I freak out when trying to leave the house. Ahhhhhh!!!!!!

[mammaP]

Skyler we believe you!  We understand what all those drugs have done to you, it is not all in your head.

I would stop telling the doctors because they just do not know the devastation the drugs cause and simply

pile on more and more of them.  

 

It will get better, you have to believe that.  I hope the appointment with your son's doctor went ok.  Well 

done for taking him when you feel so terrible. 

[mlrp]

Skyler, just want to second wholeheartedly that we understand and believe you. Trust your own instincts. I come here to SA for validation especially when talking to therapists or doctors makes me doubt my own knowledge of my own body. This is a physiological thing that has been done to you. My heart goes out to you because I have felt the anguish you are describing. It does sound as if you are in an acute phase and need to just. hold. on. It will pass. Is there any kind of brief phrase, mantra, or prayer you can repeat over and over to yourself? I have done this many times (I use alanon slogans, like "this too shall pass"). You don't even need to believe it. It's just to fill your racing thoughts with something that isn't negative or self-destructive. I have resorted to repeating slogans or the serenity prayer for hours at a stretch just to get through a rough patch. It will pass.