celexahell: Has Citalopram destroyed me in one week? Is this even possible?

[celexahell]

I have laid in bed all day today so far, it is 230pm. I see no point to move when nothing brings me any sort of pleasure. It's honestly pointless. And I have been castrated. I hope the creators of these drugs get executed one day. I have seriously been mutilated. My brain does not work the same nor does my body. I used to have such a great life.

[Muddles]

Me too celexhell. What we didn't know before going to the docs was that the anxiety we had was actually a normal human being state that everyone experiences at sometime in their life. I was mega stressed...running around on adrenaline which I use to quite enjoy, but pushed myself too far. Just needed a couple of months off work. So sad.

 

My sister visited the doctor with anxiety when my father was ill. He told her that those feelings are only to expected in such circumstances. Her anxiety passed a couple of weeks after he died. I'm so glad he didn't prescribe.

[celexahell]

I used to hAve a ton of adrenaline too, and a vivid interpretation of reality. It sounds almost narcissistic but I feel that I was extremely poetic and had a very keen eye for the world. Now I'm barely existing. Before, I was so happy I was me and didn't want to be anyone else. Now I wouldn't mind being the obese person in the go-kart thingy... at least that's a fixable situation.

[Muddles]

I'm sorry but you made lol and I thank you for that...haven't dont that in a long time. I know it's not a laughing matter but it's something I would come out with....'I wouldn't mind being the obese person in the go-kart thingy'. Classic. Still laughing....sorry.

[alex]

I think people just get used to this new state rather then recover

 

No, people DO recover.

I am recovering.

I wouldn't be here otherwise...

[celexahell]

I'm sorry but you made lol and I thank you for that...haven't dont that in a long time. I know it's not a laughing matter but it's something I would come out with....'I wouldn't mind being the obese person in the go-kart thingy'. Classic. Still laughing....sorry.

 

Happy it made you laugh... I know it sounds funny, but it's true ... I really do see so many people every day and I'm jealous of even the most normal or undesirable people.... they probably have richer lives than me now.

[btdt]

I'm sorry but you made lol and I thank you for that...haven't dont that in a long time. I know it's not a laughing matter but it's something I would come out with....'I wouldn't mind being the obese person in the go-kart thingy'. Classic. Still laughing....sorry.

Have had thoughts like that myself when I hear an obese relative complaining of weight... I think I will trade you and I will be skinny in no time just give me back my brain... I will take that body on health kick... only in my head I would never say it out loud.... and now I am fat too...could be that is what I get for being a smart ass in my  head... 

[celexahell]

 

 

I think people just get used to this new state rather then recover

No, people DO recover.

I am recovering.

I wouldn't be here otherwise...

 

Are you ever yourself again though? THAT is the real question. I miss who I was prior to April. Even with severe anxiety.

[celexahell]

 

 

I'm sorry but you made lol and I thank you for that...haven't dont that in a long time. I know it's not a laughing matter but it's something I would come out with....'I wouldn't mind being the obese person in the go-kart thingy'. Classic. Still laughing....sorry.

Have had thoughts like that myself when I hear an obese relative complaining of weight... I think I will trade you and I will be skinny in no time just give me back my brain... I will take that body on health kick... only in my head I would never say it out loud.... and now I am fat too...could be that is what I get for being a smart ass in my head...

Exactly. I just want my mind back

[alex]

 

 

I think people just get used to this new state rather then recover

No, people DO recover.

I am recovering.

I wouldn't be here otherwise...

 

Are you ever yourself again though?.

 

 

One thing is for sure:I will NEVER be the same after this extreme experience.

I am grateful for this,because as horrendous as it is, it has been a deep catharsis,bringing out the best of myself;qualities that I didn't know I had.

I am grateful too because the Alex that took me to AD, wasn't right.

I wish I could express myself in english, but I think you understand.

You are young, you will be all right, despite your fear and anger.

 

Peace to you.

[mlrp]

I have to jump in here. I share so much the anger, frustration, the wish for the old me (who was, like celexa, brilliant and amazing).

 

They tell me that I will recover, that I will be my old self, only better. On my worst days (which are many) I say, I don't want that new, improved me. I want the old amazing me who had the world by the tail. *sigh*

 

But on better days, I think, I will get my old self back - with increased wisdom, compassion, an understanding of what is truly important in life and what is just BS.

 

I don't doubt for a minute Celexa, that you were that bright star and will be again. Maybe shining with a new intensity.

 

Alex, your strength of character just blows me away.

 

And I, too, want to see those pharma-monsters fry.

[thisismyname]

It may sound cliche, but I get the feeling that you'll recover. Our bodies are amazing.

[celexahell]

I live in a void of nothingness every day and I am extremely worried about my highly damaged sexual function. Feeling like I have mental retardation is the worst of all though, like I'm in a fog 24/7 that never goes away. Thanks for the vote of confidence though. I feel absolutely horrible basically all day now. When I eat any reasonable sized meal my body doesn't digest it right and I end up feeling extremely lethargic and fatigued. It's one thing after another. Every single sense and function seems damaged. Smell, taste, and numbness on skin, etc. Had I known six dumb little pills would do this to me. They helped in no way shape or form but to turn my life into a severe suffering experience.

[mlrp]

I guess I just want to add that I completely relate to the "mental retardation" feeling, and all the horrible thoughts that go with it. I've stopped referring to myself as brain-damaged because I want to minimize the negative self-talk but, hell, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

 

I may have been near-psychotic from sleep deprivation and PTSD when I first made the mistake of seeking out a psychiatrist but I only experienced the following after starting to take the poison:

• severe, debilitating brain fog
• continual pressure in my head (especially behind my eyes) - this persists through even my best days in w/d
• the literal sensation that my brain has been physically damaged somehow - knowing something is NOT RIGHT with the mechanics, the tissue
• a severe drop in overall rate and depth of cognitive processing - thinking, reading, simple math, you name it - when I used to be  sharp as a whip, PhD material
• and that's just the cognitive stuff - leaving out the 4,246 other symptoms weren't there before, but are now

That probably doesn't help much.  Except that I can also say, in my experience, things are s l o w l y improving. And by that I mean, in a glacial, yet herky-jerky, I almost can't see it, kind of way. I'm doing the self-care, self-healing work the best I can (while HATING at times that this is what I HAVE to do to survive. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. Well, I did before my life got hijacked.).

 

I hate that this has happened to you. Your relative youth is a plus. I do believe that you can, and will, recover. It's bastard Time holding the cards, I'm afraid.

[Muddles]

mlrp - what annoys me is that although I was anxious when going to the docs (heart palpitaions were the worst), I was sleeping very well. Citalopram completely took it away with one dose hence the mirtazapine - then the crap really started. Never had sleeping issues in my life prior to this. It grieves me.

 

I'm sure if we had known we would have suffered anything and got through it at some point.

 

My doctor even said that Citalopram wasn't an antidepressant! And not to check side effects. How un-progressional is that! Geez!

[Muddles]

Mental retardation - yes. Can't fill forms out anymore. I look at the form knowing I need to do it, but my brain does not comply. This is the same with everything. So strange and worrying.

[mlrp]

Mental retardation - yes. Can't fill forms out anymore. I look at the form knowing I need to do it, but my brain does not comply. This is the same with everything. So strange and worrying.

What can I say, Muddles, except "ditto." These pills are handed out like candy. After two half-doses of Lexapro had me crawling the walls, I went back to my general practitioner's office only to have a nurse practitioner fresh out of school (practically a nurse's aide) hand me a sample pack of Pristiq, and tell me about how people "tweak the doses until they find their sweet spot." I wasn't even in w/d at that time and I still wanted to smack her :-P .

 

Hold the course. Sending you hope and courage.

[celexahell]

I guess I just want to add that I completely relate to the "mental retardation" feeling, and all the horrible thoughts that go with it. I've stopped referring to myself as brain-damaged because I want to minimize the negative self-talk but, hell, if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...

 

I may have been near-psychotic from sleep deprivation and PTSD when I first made the mistake of seeking out a psychiatrist but I only experienced the following after starting to take the poison:

• severe, debilitating brain fog
• continual pressure in my head (especially behind my eyes) - this persists through even my best days in w/d
• the literal sensation that my brain has been physically damaged somehow - knowing something is NOT RIGHT with the mechanics, the tissue
• a severe drop in overall rate and depth of cognitive processing - thinking, reading, simple math, you name it - when I used to be sharp as a whip, PhD material
• and that's just the cognitive stuff - leaving out the 4,246 other symptoms weren't there before, but are now

That probably doesn't help much. Except that I can also say, in my experience, things are s l o w l y improving. And by that I mean, in a glacial, yet herky-jerky, I almost can't see it, kind of way. I'm doing the self-care, self-healing work the best I can (while HATING at times that this is what I HAVE to do to survive. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO. Well, I did before my life got hijacked.).

 

I hate that this has happened to you. Your relative youth is a plus. I do believe that you can, and will, recover. It's bastard Time holding the cards, I'm afraid.

Yes, I relate to all of those symptoms. It really feels like life is over and I'll never be who I used to be. Suicide remains at the forefront of my mind.

[celexahell]

Also, it is endearing that so many say things like, "you'll recover", "people recover all the time". Yet, I have NEVER seen a story that didn't end with "I'm doing much better now, BUT...." - I've never seen someone say that they were 100% normal again. Please link me a story if such a story exists.

[mammaP]

There are many success stories but you think there aren't any because they aren't 

posting here.  I once looked at the first posts on this site, when it was first started

by Alto in 2011. There are 2.875 members who have joined us since then yet only 

about 40-50 who post now. ( That is a complete guess, I haven't counted the regular

posters.)   Where do you think the other  2.875 are?  Some will be reading and getting

help without posting, but I reckon that most are getting on with their lives, working and 

playing, recovered. 

 

You want to be back as you were before, even with the anxiety.  You can be even better

than you were before but you HAVE to change your mindset.  We have all pointed you to

different topics to try and help you but you do not accept that this will get better. You don't

want to be 50% better, or even 90% better,  you want it all and you want it NOW. 

I feel for you but you are young and your youth is on your side.  I know how it is to have

suicide at the front of your mind. I think about it almost every single morning when I don't

want to start another day, but I have learned not to allow those thoughts to take hold. 

You can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest!

 

Take each day as it comes and get through it but you absolutely HAVE to protect your

sanity by not dwelling on what you have lost, because you have not lost anything, it has 

been misplaced for a while and will be back.  

[schizor]

I cant stand to hear people laughing, Im so jealous because they can experience this emotion and I can not.

[alex]

Also, it is endearing that so many say things like, "you'll recover", "people recover all the time". Yet, I have NEVER seen a story that didn't end with "I'm doing much better now, BUT...." - I've never seen someone say that they were 100% normal again. Please link me a story if such a story exists.

 

Normal....normal is such a relative term..

"Recovered","renewed","better...." I like these better.

[alex]

I cant stand to hear people laughing, Im so jealous because they can experience this emotion and I can not.

 I've had EXACTLY the same feeling...and many other people around here.

It has gotten much better.As you start to feel better, and live your life again, that "difference" with other people fades away.

[btdt]

 

I cant stand to hear people laughing, Im so jealous because they can experience this emotion and I can not.

 I've had EXACTLY the same feeling...and many other people around here.

It has gotten much better.As you start to feel better, and live your life again, that "difference" with other people fades away.

 

And then it comes back... 

why are some people having it go away and stay away and for me it just all comes back?  I can't say I have ever felt completely pre damage well since the first pill I put in my mouth.  I am done lying about it.. I am done trying to sort out how to do this right...how to do self care and what effect negativity has on my healing path... I reached this point several times during this experience ... I am sure some of you have read my dance with suicide and nobody likes to talk about it...but dispair is a bit part of this... when it comes right down to it I can always go one more day I do not want to be beat... I can't hurt the people I love... even when I get beyond all the hurdles and have my death plan made... I start to feel better because my suffering is about to end having that release starts me back to thinking about living again and searching for a new way. 

Suicide I am sure has been a part of this for many more than I and after a ton of years dealing with it... even suicide gets old. Some days I am just too pissed to even go there..again as I have been there and done that too... so often so many times.. it is old.  

All of these things are what the desperate and the damaged and despairing do... 

maybe it is time for a new way... 

like getting to the bottom of this with the powers that be and kick some ass and change things so this stops happening to people... 

I am so tired of seeing new people every day with good decent brains and bodies being destroyed by these drugs enough is enough... sad thing about that is I have watched countless groups of people and individuals try and they get struck down... it never works... and we damage folks are not in the greatest shape to do battle... maybe we need to reach out and find advocates in healthy people who will help us. 

 

That is my thought process... just now.  I know I was working on the "marriages destroyed" site a long time when it came to me that talking to other who have been damaged may not be the best way to actually change anything as we were all sick.. all in withdrawal.. but those spouses who have been right there and watched the entire process go down... THAT was a good source of advocacy.  A start... sadly it is now gone see what I mean by things being struck down ... that is how it goes. 

Effexoractivist... was making this a political issue now gone ... 

over and over I watched it happen. 

All the while more people sign up here everyday... this is not changing anything just adding to our numbers maybe changing ...stopping this would be something worth attempting... rather than sitting here and waiting for the next batch of SSRI SNRI group of damage people to show up... 

I want this I just don't have a clue of how to go about it. 

end rant

peace all

[thisismyname]

Also, it is endearing that so many say things like, "you'll recover", "people recover all the time". Yet, I have NEVER seen a story that didn't end with "I'm doing much better now, BUT...." - I've never seen someone say that they were 100% normal again. Please link me a story if such a story exists.

You cant use the internet as a measuring stick. If every single person who had an adverse reaction posted on this website you would get all kinds of stories, good and bad. Not everyone who has had an adverse reaction to celexa or any other antidepressant will post on the internet. People dwell on the negative, ever notice all the horrible things that we see on the news? You never hear "A family escaped from a burning house" you hear "A house caught on fire and a family died". Just because its not reported in the news it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just because it wasn't posted on the internet it doesn't mean it didn't happen. 

[alex]

 

 

I cant stand to hear people laughing, Im so jealous because they can experience this emotion and I can not.

 I've had EXACTLY the same feeling...and many other people around here.

It has gotten much better.As you start to feel better, and live your life again, that "difference" with other people fades away.

 

And then it comes back...

 

 Maybe for you....very negative post; the last thing we need in this forum...

 

Peace to you too.

[arwen]

Btdt, I am so sorry for your wave, for all you are going through, but I disagree with what you are saying about this forum.

It helped me when I needed it and I am sure it helped and is helping many other people.

 

Celexahell: yes, people do recover! I cannot say that I am a success story yet, a few days after taking the last bit of Paxil, I am still waiting for the worst to come( or maybe not), but I read some of other people stories, and there is a lot of hope if you look without filtering only the negative.

Sure, we need time, help, a good environment, and more time. Don't underestimate the power of the brain to recover.

[btdt]

Btdt, I am so sorry for your wave, for all you are going through, but I disagree with what you are saying about this forum.

It helped me when I needed it and I am sure it helped and is helping many other people.

 

Celexahell: yes, people do recover! I cannot say that I am a success story yet, a few days after taking the last bit of Paxil, I am still waiting for the worst to come( or maybe not), but I read some of other people stories, and there is a lot of hope if you look without filtering only the negative.

Sure, we need time, help, a good environment, and more time. Don't underestimate the power of the brain to recover.

What exactly do you think I am saying about this forum just so we don't have a misunderstanding?

"It helped me when I needed it and I am sure it helped and is helping many other people."

This quoted sentence was with your post to me.. I challenge you to find where I said this site was not helpful.  

I spend a LOT of time and energy here trying to see that this site is helpful. I do not think this site unhelpful and never have held that view.  

[schizor]

btdt how long ago did you stopped taking medication and do you feel you have recovered?

[celexahell]

Okay, I still haven't seen a link with a clear, 100% recovery to pre-SSRI state. I believe these drugs cause permenant brain damage. Had I only known. Another day of no libido, and existing only physically

[Muddles]

I wanna know why we didn't know/hear about the dangers?

 

It's like one big secret that's kept away from the public.

[celexahell]

I can't even live and enjoy my life any longer. Anhedonia is all encompassing plus the feeling that I'm not even a sexual being anymore make enjoying life impossible

[Karma]

By continually posting how awful your life has become, you reinforce it and make it so.

 

If you are threatening suicide please contact a local suicide helpline.  We are not in a position to help you with that.  These continual posts about how life isn't worth living do nothing to help you feel better and certainly do nothing to help others on this site.

 

People who recover seldom come back to boards like this to post their success.  They move on and enjoy their lives.  Because they do doesn't mean that they didn't recover.

 

Perhaps if you tried to distract yourself, you might find that you have moments where you feel better.  Then you can focus on the moments of feeling better and reinforce those.

 

I am still slowly coming off of Effexor, but I experience times in my life filled with pure joy and I have posted about it.  Other times I am a bit challenged with anxiety, but I always know that I will get back to joy.  I believe that I will fully recover and I believe that 90% of it is attitude. 

 

Karma

[GiaK]

I know a lot of people who have recovered completely and say so...numerous people like that...

 

Also, I've NOT recovered 100% but I LOVE being alive and having a clear mind...life is amazing. It's an incredible ride even in a broken body...I'm grateful everyday to be alive.

 

No one gets out of here alive and everyone has some diminishing functioning as life goes on. This is life. 

[GiaK]

all of us have also dealt with ugly darkness...really ugly darkness...I generally don't dwell on that stuff for long anymore. 

[Muddles]

Do you get any sensations? I don't even get hungry or thirsty?! How weird is that!