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Marriages destroyed by SSRI SNRI - Topix

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zeeheather

Thank you Konjo, I have already spent many-a-day reading, then re-reading all those stories. They gave me hope, but then they stopped helping (easy to read them and be hopeful, but when reality sets in, it's hard to see an end or change). Thank you for saving those though, they got me through some hard times recently.

TeaBea, thank you for your response. He's gotten a lot worse in the last couple of days. Mean and heartless, flirting with other girls, lying to me about silly things. Told me "You weren't the one for me, it's time to move on." So I've decided to let go, he's causing me more and more pain each time. He's not the man I fell in love with, the complete opposite, he's a different person. I need to work on my happiness.

He's begun weaning off his last anti-depressant, so I wish him the best with that. Hopefully he'll start to get back to normal, but it's out of my control now.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to me. I'll update if anything changes, but my hope has dwindled.

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TeaBea

My very best wishes to you, zeeheather, as you begin the moving-on process.  It isn't easy, but then staying and "enduring" isn't easy either.  I think you've made the only choice you have available right now.  If it's somehow still meant to be, he'll find his way back to you.  Right now, though, it's good you're taking him at his word.  Your happiness IS up to you.  I hope you find more than you ever thought possible! 

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zeeheather

Thank you TeaBea! That really means a lot. Hoping for the best., but preparing for the worst. Just gotta keep reminding myself that he's not the same man I fell in love with! <3 :)

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Mermaid17
On 1/3/2018 at 3:53 PM, zeeheather said:

Thank you TeaBea! That really means a lot. Hoping for the best., but preparing for the worst. Just gotta keep reminding myself that he's not the same man I fell in love with! <3 :)

Zeeheather I am about a year ahead of you in this nightmare. It can take months and months for even a small sign of hope to reveal itself in the form of his person returning. Especially if he tapered too quickly. But when it does, and it will, hold onto it. I cannot NOT love my husband and cannot NOT wait and pray and hope. 

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zeeheather
1 hour ago, Mermaid17 said:

Zeeheather I am about a year ahead of you in this nightmare. It can take months and months for even a small sign of hope to reveal itself in the form of his person returning. Especially if he tapered too quickly. But when it does, and it will, hold onto it. I cannot NOT love my husband and cannot NOT wait and pray and hope. 

 

Hi Mermaid17,

Thank you for your response. He tapered the Paxil over a two week period (last dose 3 weeks ago), but said he had no withdrawals. He then stopped the Wellbutrin cold turkey about 2 weeks later. Said he had a miserable week, but was fine after that. 

He’s gotten a lot worse now. He stopped responding to my texts and emails. He just so mean and hurtful. My last few messages were just looking for a “why” and closure, because I’m so hurt. I can’t get over this pain, I’m off work right now because I can’t stop crying. His only response to what happened was “I don’t know what you want from me, I’ve tried to be nice. You weren’t the one for me, it’s time to move on.” And “I don’t know why you’re still confused. There’s nothing more I can say that I haven’t already.”

He lacks any empathy, he absolutely hates me. It’s scary to think that this might not be the medication. He seems to have gotten worse after he stopped the meds. 

Currently he’s going out drinking and meeting girls. Adding them to his Instagram, where he removed all pictures of me and him & I  together. 

 

I talked to his good female friend (she’s married to one of his best childhood friends). She told me that she didn’t know he was taking medication, but she hasn’t spoken to him in a while, cause they were so busy with moving and such. 

She did tell me that my boyfriend is known for shutting people out like this. She said “If he’s over (for lack of a better word) something, he’s over it. If he closes that door, he keeps it closed.” She said I probably won’t find closure from him, she felt really bad for me. 

 

I cant tell if this is how he deals with a breakup (just shuts down emotions and becomes cold, so he doesn’t have to deal with it) or if it’s still the medication affecting him. It hurts to see him moving on so quickly, trying to get as much attention from girls as he can. (And not even girls he’s usually attracted to, which is odd) 

 

What hurts the most though, is not knowing what happened. Why does he HATE me so much, when I didn’t do anything. And he truly hates me and wants nothing to do with me, erased all our memories. 

 

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Henry

Hi Zeeheather

 

im so sorry that you are going through this. I had the same thing happen to me this time last year. My girlfriend and I were together for 11 years and very happy or so I thought. In November of 2016 she started having panic attacks and suffering anxiety. She was put on sertraline (Zoloft) and that was the beginning of the end. She was only on them for about 6 weeks then was switched to venlafaxine (Effexor) then  she wanted a break and I’ve never heard from her since. The last I heard is that she stopped cold turkey about 5 weeks after last seeing her.

 

its truly heartbreaking. Her friends and family don’t know what came over her and I couldn’t really say too much. She deleted me from all social media and basically acts like I never existed or at least that’s how it looks to me.

 

i truly feel your pain and hope and pray like mermaid says, my girlfriend will one day come to a realisation of what she did.

 

sending love and support 

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Mermaid17
1 hour ago, zeeheather said:

 

Hi Mermaid17,

Thank you for your response. He tapered the Paxil over a two week period (last dose 3 weeks ago), but said he had no withdrawals. He then stopped the Wellbutrin cold turkey about 2 weeks later. Said he had a miserable week, but was fine after that. 

He’s gotten a lot worse now. He stopped responding to my texts and emails. He just so mean and hurtful. My last few messages were just looking for a “why” and closure, because I’m so hurt. I can’t get over this pain, I’m off work right now because I can’t stop crying. His only response to what happened was “I don’t know what you want from me, I’ve tried to be nice. You weren’t the one for me, it’s time to move on.” And “I don’t know why you’re still confused. There’s nothing more I can say that I haven’t already.”

He lacks any empathy, he absolutely hates me. It’s scary to think that this might not be the medication. He seems to have gotten worse after he stopped the meds. 

Currently he’s going out drinking and meeting girls. Adding them to his Instagram, where he removed all pictures of me and him & I  together. 

 

I talked to his good female friend (she’s married to one of his best childhood friends). She told me that she didn’t know he was taking medication, but she hasn’t spoken to him in a while, cause they were so busy with moving and such. 

She did tell me that my boyfriend is known for shutting people out like this. She said “If he’s over (for lack of a better word) something, he’s over it. If he closes that door, he keeps it closed.” She said I probably won’t find closure from him, she felt really bad for me. 

 

I cant tell if this is how he deals with a breakup (just shuts down emotions and becomes cold, so he doesn’t have to deal with it) or if it’s still the medication affecting him. It hurts to see him moving on so quickly, trying to get as much attention from girls as he can. (And not even girls he’s usually attracted to, which is odd) 

 

What hurts the most though, is not knowing what happened. Why does he HATE me so much, when I didn’t do anything. And he truly hates me and wants nothing to do with me, erased all our memories. 

 

The way in which he has ended your relationship is like he followed the template for how people end relationships on this medication. It is the meds honey. There is an article by someone I believe named John Carpender who writes about this phenomenon. They absolutely become hostile towards their loved one. I feel it just like the part of their brain in which we live, in which we existed for them, is completely blocked and obliterated. They simply cannot process us anymore and in the case with your loved one, often seek out new relationships that are very different From relationships they have traditionally sought out.  Those other relationships can provide that dopamine boost that we no longer can. But those relationships are not founded in love, or not founded with someone making intentional choices. They are drugged. You do not hear about people making really good healthy relationships while high on heroin. It is so hard to not take personally because they look and sound and appear to be who they are, but trust they have completely changed.

 

So many people come off the meds and cannot believe the choices they made while medicated. They feel it is as if someone hijacked their bodies And lived their life for them. Like waking from a nightmare. I doubt he will even remember much of this time. Because he did not taper slowly enough he is likely going to be acting drugged for sometime because withdrawlal can make people even worse off than they were just holding steady on their dosage.  Just know that our brains do want to heal and go back to normal. Given enough time off the medication the fog should begin to lift at some point and he will begin to question things.

 

It is just hell to be in the place you are in though right now. I know it is. My husband left me within weeks of the birth of our third child. After 15 years together. Because we have kids I have seen him pretty much every day the last year and a half but it wasn’t until he began reducing his dosage last summer but I began to see parts of his actual person returning. His feelings for me are still completely blocked but I have hope. 

 

 We are here for you. I know not everyone is comfortable talking about faith openly, but for me it is the only thing that has gotten me through this. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and received indications from the Lord that he will return to me. And the advice to take care of yourself is also incredibly important. You really are just going to have to wait until the drugs have cleared his system enough for him to understand what has happened to him. Try to revel in your love for him still though, root yourself down in it. I believe love does not die. You cannot make yourself unlove someone. So if you have no choice but to love him despite all this pain then love him with abandon still. That is my advice. I will say some prayers for you.

 

 

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zeeheather

Henry, thank you. I am also so sorry to hear that you've gone through this (and are still going through it). My boyfriend and I weren't together as long as you and your girlfriend, I can't imagine having that kind of connection and this happening. I love my boyfriend so much, we were living together, we had so many plans. I hope that there is still hope for all of us, that these drugs aren't as strong as our love. 

 

 


Mermaid17, it's crazy how this template is almost so exact for everyone, yet doubt still gets the best of us. "Maybe I'M the odd one out." "Maybe this is true for everyone else, but MY boyfriend just doesn't love me." The hostility and the hate is the one thing I can't make sense of, in a weird way it gives me hope. I never in a million years would've believed that my boyfriend could lack empathy so much, or turn on me when I was in need, or kick me while I'm down. 

I do hope that because he didn't taper slow enough, that his brain is still very much in that fog. He does seem himself, except when I'm involved. Well, he goes out on weekends now for drinks, he never did that before. He's a super healthy and active guy and never enjoyed wasting the next day feeling hungover, or wasting money on alcohol. He's also interacting with girls he would never have been attracted to, it's as if he's getting whatever attention he can, seeking that feeling he's missing. I still have his Christmas presents, I had bought them right before he ended things with me. I tried to give them to him last week, was just going to leave them on his porch cause he didn't want to see me. He told me he'd let me know a time that day or the next when he would be out...he never messaged me. So I still have them, hoping that I'll be able to give them to him in person one day.

I am sorry you had to go through this after giving birth, what horrible timing. I guess there is good and bad about seeing him everyday, the good is that you can see his progress and you don't lose that connection..but the bad would be having to see him everyday and be reminded how much he doesn't feel towards you. I don't know what I'd choose at this point. I'm happy that you're seeing a change in him though, even if it's just a little change.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine where I'd be without this forum. I've been private messaging with a member who went through this with her husband, his feelings came back after his taper. So it's nice the hear positive outcomes. It's crazy what strangers can do for each other when it seems all hope is lost. I appreciate your words, advice and hope...it really does help. I was having some bad anxiety and after reading these posts, it has eased up.
 

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Mermaid17
5 hours ago, zeeheather said:

I never in a million years would've believed that my boyfriend could lack empathy so much, or turn on me when I was in need, or kick me while I'm down. 

It is so validating to hear you say this. It is exactly like that. So In a way, though their extreme behavior causes an incredible amount of pain, it also validates that it is simply not who they are. It gives all the more legitimacy to the fact that drugs have changed them. This is not their person and they never would’ve chosen this.

 

 If you don’t mind perhaps you could get me in touch with the person you have private messaged with. I have reached out to a few people but I’m not getting consistent responses from them. 

 

As far as seeing him every day is concerned, when I think about what it would be like if he had really died, I think I would be thrilled to have the kind of contact I have even though it can still hurt so much. It is better to have that than nothing when I think of it like that. Stay strong. This kind of love, really any kind of love, love at all is absolutely worth fighting for and praying for and waiting for.

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zeeheather

It's true. It's hard though to fully believe. After speaking to his good friend, she said "this is what he does"..if he doesn't like someone, or someone wronged him, he shuts a door on them and won't open it. When he's done, he's done. I even have an example of that: My bf's best friend tried to hook up with his ex girlfriend (she and my bf had just broken up after like 8 years together) and his friend tried to weasel his way in. For a while I think he shut this guy off, was done with him. But when I met my boyfriend, they were friends again. During our relationship, the same friend p*ssed him off again (my bf's family was coming to canada from florida to bury his grandfather. They happened to be coming up the same day as this friend's brothers wedding. My bf felt bad, but obviously his grandfather's burial came first. Well when he told his friend he couldn't go to the wedding, he was annoyed and didn't even acknowledge the reason my bf was missing the wedding, just kind of cold shouldered him. So my bf was DONE. Stopped responding to his messages. When he and I broke up, they still hadn't seen each other or talked to each other in months. I just saw them interacting on social media the other day, so I guess with his personality change, he's welcoming that toxic friendship back into his life)


What sucks, is that the only single friends my boyfriend has in his life for support are very self-centred and narcissistic, love going to bars to meet girls. So they are bad influences to be around. The one jerk friend from the stories above never really liked me. When I came into my bf's life, they were both single and always hanging out/working out together. I could tell he was annoyed if my boyfriend wanted to work out with me or if my bf gave me a goodbye/hello kiss in front of his friend. He started getting into my boyfriend's head, telling him i was clingy and crap (this was the beginning of our relationship, when we were both excited and always wanted to be in contact, he visited me at work all the time, just so he could see me. Texted me every night/every morning with sweet things.) Anyway, that friend made him think I was too much, we managed to get over that little bump after he realized what we had made him happy...so I can only imagine now that this friend is back in his life, what he's saying about me and our relationship.

His other friends are all married with kids, so he doesn't often see them, definitely not enough for them to notice a personality change. But because of how he treated that one friend (shutting him out), I'm worried that is what he's doing to me...even though I never did anything bad to him, never offended him, hurt him, annoyed him. By his own admission, when we had our first ridiculous argument after he was on the first med, he said "I haven't felt like myself in a couple of weeks, I don't know what is causing me to feel this way, maybe it's the drugs." He apologized for it seeming like he wasn't into the relationship anymore, but went back to "I don't know why, my brain is messed up." And he said he didn't think it was because he didn't want me there anymore. But after switching to Paxil, immediate zombie, no feelings towards me, looks of disgust, cringing when I touched him. Then I move out and bring on the hate and anger and irritation that I keep messaging him.

Bahh, as you can tell, I am just constantly back and forth. I had a major breakdown last night. Couldn't catch my breath or stop bawling. My friend ended up giving me an ativan, I also took a melatonin pill. Within 15-20 mins I was mellowed out, had stopped crying. Then got super tired and passed out. I couldn't stop thinking about him and what he was doing, I felt the pain all at once, I needed to just sleep and forget.

That was really long, sorry. I'll private message you her username.

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IHadPassion

Zee, as a guy who was on Paxil, I can definitely attest to the abrupt change in personality, especially with respect to romantic relationships.  I didn't notice it at the time, but looking back I turned into a total a-hole and treated those around me terribly.  I almost lost my wife over it, but she stuck it out.  Things slowly got better, but some effects have been permanent, albeit I was on Paxil for a couple years.  

 

With respect to your boyfriend, it's really a crap shoot.  If he was only on it for a short duration, it's likely that he'll return to his normal state of mind eventually.  What you're describing as his  increase in 'going out and drinking' almost sounds as if he's still on the drug.  Paxil is known for causing people to lose their inhibitions, drink more and engage in risky behaviors.  Is it possible he's actually still on it?  Having lived through the nightmare of withdrawal and suffering the permanent, life altering effects of psych drugs, I can say that you likely will be better off in the long run just moving on and using this as a learning experience to keep your loved ones away from psychiatric drugs.  

 

Also, be really careful with the Ativan.  It's very dangerous when taken continuously, even in small doses.

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zeeheather

IHadPassion, ... It does goes through my head, whether he's actually off it or not. I know he hated feeling like a zombie in the Paxil, but I remember right around him ending things with me, he refilled his prescription. He still had over two weeks left of his first prescription, then went and got another 30 pills. When I asked him about it, he said he thought he had a lot less left from the first one and would've eventually needed to refill for his taper. But he did start taking Wellbutrin after he went to his doc to taper off the Paxil (I don't believe he would make that up, bring another drug into the lie) His doctor gave him Wellbutrin to help with the Paxil withdrawal, my boyfriend mentioned some head zaps, but overall not a bad withdrawal from the Paxil. He then told me he went off Wellburtin cold turkey a couple of weeks later, and had a miserable week. He went to a cannabis clinic and got a card for CBD, which he told me he began taking a couple of weeks ago, says he has to take it every 5 hours to help, but it's helping his anxiety (I know he's def taking CBD, he went to the clinic and found out it was run by his old high school friend, got 50% off the card fee, he said his friend told him his Wellbutrin dose was too high, so my bf cut it in half. That only lasted a couple of days before his anxiety came back, so he went back to the original dose). So...I mean, I believe everything he's said about coming off the drugs, he has no reason to life to me anymore. But I do still wonder, because his personality is still so changed.

And to be fair, I am assuming he's going out drinking. He's added a few waitresses onto his social media. I haven't spoken to him in a week, he never mentioned going out (why would he). I know he partied on NYE, met a girl that night. Then every Thursday & Sunday he always goes out to watch football, I assume he still does that. But to be adding waitresses on social media, he has to be going to those pubs/bars. Maybe I'm worrying or going crazy and thinking he's doing more bad than he is.

It's so hard to let go, hearing other people's success stories and still feeling so much love for him (what he was at least). 

Thank you for responding, it's good to hear from both sides, even from people who tell me to move on. And that was the only time I've ever been desperate enough to take anything. I had a pretty bad breakdown and it wouldn't stop. I'm sticking to regular melatonin to help me sleep! Thank you for your concern though.

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Cnp412

Ok , so a year ago my wife of 11 years best friends childhood sweetheart, was having a lot of stress at a new job where she became the boss but also had the least amount of time and was the youngest person there. So with advice from a friend she went to a psych. She prescribed her Clonazepam, and Effexor. 3 weeks later we began to have off arguments, she seemed cold and uncaring, a month later she didn’t love me anymore, and 2 months later she was doing drugs and online dating even slept with a guy the first night she met him. All while I was starting a police academy. We have 2 children 6 and 4 years old. 4 months later I get pulled out of the academy to be told my wife was in the hospital. She was so happy with her new life without me and the partying she decided not to refill the scripts, accept everything came rushing back to her and she swore up and down she would never do those things and loved me etc etc etc . The the point where she admitted herself to a psych facility. They said she can’t quit cold turkey so they gave her a script for Prozac to begin weaning off, for 3 solid months I had my best friend back, she would sometimes cry and have guilt about the things she had. Done but I would reassure her it wasn’t her fault...... month 4 she couldn’t get out of bed during the day sleeping until 2pm sometimes, a side effect of having insomnia out of nowhere she all the sudden couldn’t sleep at all at night. So they put her on trazadone and back on clonazpan for when she has those panic attacks about the past damage of Effexor.. literally within a month of this cocktail the monster I described during Effexor has come roaring back. Emotionally blunted doesn’t care if she hurts me, kicked me out again, smoking weed all hours of the day let’s not forget I’m a police officer now and can’t have that. But it’s literally 8 times a day even around the kids. I try to tell her it’s he meds and she flips, now she has cut off all contact whatsoever, this all game literally a week after she wrote me a 7 page letter about how much she loved me and can’t live without me telling me how grateful she is that I stayed. Also the girl would rip my uniform off me when I walked in the door from work so there’s not like there was any issues there. I have been here before so I know what road is ahead, I still love her and want her back. But she just filed for divorce....... but a day later calls me crying saying she doesn’t know what she is doing to only shift on the phone 5 mins later after I use the word Prozac to say actually I do know what I’m doing. LoL. But for some reason she has decided to quit the Prozac cold turkey against all advice, and even the trazadone...... I have no clue if she is having side effects physically, but from what I can tell emotionally she is gone blunted and cold. Since quitting it’s been about 6 weeks, 20mg of Prozac and 125 mg of trazadone. Can anyone tell if and when I will see my real wife again if ever. Or if it’s even a possibility. Or is she gone forever. I truly wish she weaned.

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Cnp412

Actually she is down about 15lbs since quitting*

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zeeheather

Hi Cnp412, 

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this for a second time. I can’t even imagine. 

Just from the stories I’ve read, cold turkey can prolong the withdrawals and healing process. Hopefully she just needs more time to heal.  

 

I’m sorry I can’t be of much more help, as I’m sort of in the same boat as you with waiting, wondering, worrying. 

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Cnp412

I have massive news to report LOL.... out of no where yesterday my wife/ soon to be x wife. Who hasn’t wanted me anywhere near her, unblocked me and asked me to pick something up from the house. When I arrived she brought my kids outside I kissed them and back in they went. She gave me the paperwork, and we began to speak(first sign of caring to speak of us at all) needless to say we ended up in each other’s arms crying and kissing. Today same story.  Today marks  8 weeks off of Prozac cold turkey, and 1 week of trazadone cold turkey, still using her Clonazepam. But she isn’t being cold and mute like a zombi a very significant sign I think

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TeaBea

That's awesome news, Cnp412!   Just a few words from personal experience:  GO SLOW.  Accept what she has to offer.  Mirror her affection, but don't add more on top of that.  Her brain and feelings are still in transition, and too much stimulation might make her uncomfortable...just follow her lead.  My husband has been in withdrawal for 4 years (almost off! what little he's on now--4 tiny little beads of the capsule of Effexor--is just to keep from having withdrawal symptoms), and he had many "waves"....where he was mushy and touchy-feely (after the fog lifted and being capable of emotion came back), then he was stand-offish and didn't like being touched.  Then so irritable we fought over literally nothing.  Good luck to you both!!!!!

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Mermaid17

That so warms my heart Cnp412. I wonder if it surprised her as well or if she had been regaining feeling for you a little bit the last few days or weeks even. Please keep us posted! It sounds more likely than not she will experience some dark periods in the next few months given her rapid reduction, correct? Hang in there. Hugs!

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Konjo

It is really good sign but be careful. My ex had such ups during withdrawal. Once she called me crying and telling 'I love you' and just hours later was the opposite. 

 

After several months I had to return to Poland from US. She went to some kind of vacation with a new guy. Their 'relationship' lasted for 1 or 2 months and after that she called me again over Skype crying again and considering my visit to her. But few days later she put her profile on online dating sites. It was just 4 months off-pills.

 

In 6th month off pills she contacted me and even considered moving back to Poland. She visited me for a month, she initiated holding hands while walking etc. She even moved back part of her belongings. But just after her returning to States she moved to new guy apartment and started divorce process. They married wife a year after that,  

 

Totally she was just 4 months on Lexapro. 2 first months from zero to 15 mg. Several days on 20mg and rest weaning off.

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Konjo

One correction to above:

 

 But just after her returning to States she moved to new guy apartment and started divorce process.  

 

Should be 

 

 But just after her returning to States she moved to newest guy apartment and started divorce process. 

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Konjo

Cnp412 - any update about your situation? 

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EagleDoc

Yes Konjo, thanks for asking.  Because of her complex PTSD, she has severe separation anxiety and abandonment issues.  She would sleep all day, then get up and roam around all night, falling down in the bathtub and the stairs frequently, yelling, screaming, sobbing, banging on the walls, slamming doors, etc.  As it got closer to Christmas, which she hated, things escalated.  If I stayed home at night, things were even worse, so I stayed at a friend's house for three nights.  The fourth night, day before Christmas Eve, she went grocery shopping at 12:30 at night.  She came home at 01:30 and after bringing in part of the groceries, locked herself out.  I awoke to continuous doorbell ringing, pounding on the door and yelling at the top of her lungs.  I got up and opened the door, but she insisted on standing outside and yelling at me for not opening the door quickly enough.  I gently grabbed her shirt by the shoulder and tried to quiet her down in a soothing, pleading voice.  I tried to "guide" her into the house, but in her ataxic state, she tripped on the threshold and fell on the floor.  I tried to help her up, but she would have none of it and continued to berate me.  She finally got up on her own and began yelling at me some more.  The neighbors yelled through the walls to keep it down!!  I finally said if she didn't settle down, I would have to go sleep at Sarge's house again that night.  She told me that if I left that night, she would call 911 and tell them I 'threw her against the wall and beat her daily".  She wouldn't stop yelling, so I left.  She called 911 and told them I threw her against the wall and beat her daily.  The police called me and asked me to come home.  I needed time to comprehend and to get an attorney.  I was arrested for felony Domestic Violence the next day and spent Christmas Eve in the County Jail.  She got a restraining order so I can't contact her or get within 100 yards of her.  She is now back on some Prozac and realized what she did to me.  She has recanted her entire story and is trying to convince the District Attorney to drop the case against me.  I got a continuance on the arraignment and have court next week.  Wish me luck and pray for the both of us!!!  My problem is that I still love her so much, I truly felt she was my "soul mate".  My concern is when will she do this to me again the next time????

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Konjo

Oh. I'm really sorry about your situation. I hope that case will be dropped. Holy cow, what a roller-coaster!

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Iwantmywifeback

Hi 

 

I have been reading these posts on and off for the last 18 months.  My wife was on sertraline for just over 6 months when she had a full on breakdown right in front of my eyes, she began crying saying "I don't feel right something is wrong" she ended our relationship within an hour of this happening.  I often think back and ask myself if she was putting the whole thing on as an excuse but I really don't think so as she simply hasn't been herself since that day, not only this but she hasn't been able to sleep or eat very well since that day.

 

So much has happened since then, she has been with a few men, been on holidays with them and has moved out to live mainly on her own.  2 out of the 3 kids stay with me while my youngest who she picks up from school stays with my wife during the week and me on the weekends.  She even now suffers from anger outbursts which are either directed at me or my 13 year old daughter.

 

But there have been many signs along the way that make me feel she is getting better only to then have that taken from me.  She asked if we could get back together 3 months after we split but she flipped out and attacked me within a week, she asked to try again a few months later and again later that same year.  She has been on and off the meds throughout this time, she has never been off them for more than 6 months until now.

 

At this moment in time I haven't really spoken with her for well over a month, she has been in a 3 month relationship with a guy old enough to be her dad, she has never shown any interest in older men before this breakdown but this is the 2nd older guy she has been with.  However she has been sending me messages via my daughter or my mother very recently telling me that she misses me (even though she is still with this other guy).  Right now she can't go back on the meds because her liver is a mess, she has gallstones which is messing her liver up and so even if she wanted to the she can't start back up.

 

This is the topic I wanted to bring up though, the liver

 

I have looked at every angle here wondering what if anything can bring her back and why she fell apart to start with, I am open to any reason and firmly believe these meds have played a massive part in the destruction of our marriage but now I am slowly starting to think that it is the meds and alcohol that have damaged her liver which is actually what sent her crazy and maybe if I am right, maybe this is the same for others on her.

 

Liver + Kidney damage is documented on all medical sites as causing sudden personality changes, anger issues, sleep disorders and eating problems.  

 

I can't tell you everything right now as there is just too much to write to cover the last 18 months but when she has the breakdown she was eating badly, drinking way more than she should, vaping and of course taking meds.  After finding sites like these I talked her out of being on the meds and in full fairness to her she listened and agreed to come off them, even though she seemed to full on hate me, she still listened to that advice.  It didn't help, she got worse, more angry, slept less, drank more etc but still she stayed away from the meds for 4 months.

 

She took them again in April last year but only for a week as she found the dosage was too high to deal with, so she once again came off them.  There was no real change at this point neither being on them or coming off them, still the anger and the drinking continued.

 

She moved out in July last year.

 

Late October she went back on the same meds but a lower dosage, we got on really well during the time she was on the meds but she still wasn't right.  We did have a sexual relationship and I did stay at her house a few times during the 6 weeks she was back on the meds.  At this point the docs already suspected there was something wrong with her digestion and so she was having her bloods taken regularly to monitor her liver.  Towards the end of the 6 weeks she was drinking heavily again and even though there were no arguments she wasn't so good again.  The docs found out that the sertarline was damaging her liver even more so than it was (he confirmed it wasn't alcohol even though that was also damaging the liver in a different way) so they stopped the meds at the end of November last year.

 

She went into withdrawal again for a couple of weeks at which time it was impossible to be around her but after Christmas she stopped drinking for a couple of weeks and actually started telling me that she knows she still loves me but just can't access it right now.  She was still not right but she was more aware at this point and things seemed good  but she later found out she had gallstones and so she stopped being so worried and started drinking again.  We didn't get on so good then she met this older guy who is also a big drinker and she literally drank every day with him supplying her alcohol.

 

Each day when I picked my little one up from her house to take her to school I saw my wife looking worse and worse with spots all over her face getting worse each time.  I looked up the symptoms for kidney failure which include spots, pain in the side, falling asleep and swollen ankles.  My 13 year old told me that she was speaking to her Mom (my wife) who told her that her gallstones are playing up because she has a pain in her side all the time and she keeps falling asleep too.  My wife must have had these stones growing for years and years but has never had pain, now suddenly after drinking none stop for a couple of months she is complaining of pain and so I confronted her at her door.  I asked where the pain was, she showed me it was her lower back and then I asked if her ankles were swollen.  She got nasty shouting "how the hell do you know that".  I told her because  her kidneys are failing, to which she slammed the door.

 

I still don't know if I am right about this but it doesn't matter because she has cut right down on drinking shortly after that.  Since the drinking has stopped she has started being nice to me yet again, this is when she started saying she misses me etc and is talking about kicking the other guy out. 

 

The thing with my wife is even with no meds or alcohol she still has something wrong with her liver due to her digestion problem and so everything else on top of this just makes it worse but without all this she still won't get better until the problem is solved (hopefully).  These symptoms my wife has and the symptoms that everyone describes here in this forum are almost identical to any form of addict.

 

Being out of it

Loosing interest in people

Anger outbursts

Not caring about others

Blaming the people closest to them

Not accepting there is a problem

 

Could it all be that the one thing in common is that all substances damage the liver which in turn sends people full on crazy, its just a thought, one that I don't have an answer to right yet.   

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Altostrata

Hello, Iwantmywife. Your relationship with your wife is very complicated, not the least by her drinking. You might join a group for people whose partners are alcoholics to get some insight into the ways this may have affected your marriage.

 

I only have time for a brief comment: Liver damage can interfere with the proper metabolization of psychiatric drugs, causing all kinds of odd effects. One drug might build up, for example, causing even more liver (and possibly kidney) damage as well as side effects that can be quite severe and alter mood.

 

However, it also could be your wife has other personality problems that the drugs didn't not resolve and have emerged as destructive to your marriage.

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Iwantmywifeback

It could well be that there are other things involved here for me but the meds most certainly changed her.  She was on them for many years, from 2013 right through to the end of 2016 with only a short break in between.  During 2015 she cut herself and took overdoses so often that I can't even remember how many times she was in hospital and yet in the 11 years I was with her prior to this it had never happened before.

 

However my point wasn't really about my wife as such, I just gave a back story my point is that could it be that most med takers also seem to end up drinking and so my question is maybe most people in this situation are damaging their livers which could be having this personality meltdown.

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Iwantmywifeback

The point that really interested me is that even though she has slight damage to her liver as it is anyway (it isn't failing as yet and can heal at this point).  After being placed on the meds her ALT score on her liver nearly doubled, after taking her back off again it reduced dramatically virtually back down to where it was before she started taking them again.  This damage was done in less than 6 weeks and she continued to drink both on and off the meds.

 

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WakeMeUp

This is my first post.

 

So many of you have saved me from thinking I had gone crazy.  Btdt, Zeeheather, Idecidedtolive … among so many others.  Your stories and your responses to so many others helped me realize I really wasn’t in the Twilight Zone.  


About a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me out of nowhere.  From reclining on the couch on a Friday night watching a funny movie together, snuggling up, to 3 mins later telling me he loved me but wasn’t in love with me and was never in love with me, and was indicating with every fiber in his being that he wanted me out of his house as soon as possible (as in, leave right this minute).  


We had been friends for almost 6 years when we started dating.  Honestly, neither one of us expected it to happen but it was fantastic right from the start.  I think because we were friends first it might have made a difference, and we shared everything with each other. When we first started dating, he told me he had battled depression at some point in his life, but he was doing incredibly well.  He even mentioned it to a group of us one evening, that he had been on meds for about 8 years but was doing so much better.  Getting out and socializing, having fun, and really living a great life.  So I didn’t pay it much mind.  


Throughout our relationship, he was very proactive in dealing with his depression.  Not only did he have weekly visits with a great therapist and talk about his feelings, issues, etc … He was also on a high dose of antidepressant (I believe Lexapro) when we first started dating. But he also told me that he was talking to his doctor about tapering that down because he had been doing so well, and his doctor agreed.  He didn’t like the side effects, so he wanted to see if he could do without the pills.  They started a plan to get him down to ½ of max dosage and see how he did at that level.


About a month into our relationship (and about 2 or 3 weeks after he had started tapering), I noticed he was withdrawing a bit more and a tad more standoffish, not wanting to spend as much time with me.  One day he asked me to come over and abruptly says he just wants to be friends again.  Out of the blue, no warning.  “I don’t want a romantic relationship.”  I was devastated, and absolutely didn’t understand it because it didn’t fit what he had said like a week before.  It’s like he got clouded and confused and contradicted himself.  In the next 2 days, I called him up to get clarification for the break-up, and for whatever reason he said he needed to talk to a friend of his for some coaching.  And then he called me back to say he had made a mistake.  That he got skittish and nervous based on previous relationship issues and wanted to get back together.  … ummm okay. And I was so relieved because I hadn’t understood it in the first place, and we got back together.


From August last year until end of April of this year it has been amazing!! (and for a majority of this time, he has been on a tapered dosage of his antidepressant).   He informed his 10-year old daughter of our relationship about 2 months after we started dating – he wanted to make sure this was something that was going to last and that he truly felt connected with.  We spent time bonding in friendship.  Discussions over work-related struggles or parenting issues.  Sharing movies and TV shows.  Gaming together.  Two different FANTASTIC romantic trips together.  He has told me he loved me so many times. Asked me if he could list me on his child’s emergency contact info at her school.  Introduced me to his mom and all of his friends that I hadn’t met yet to get their approval.  All of his friends and family loved me, and all of my friends and family loved him.  Friends of mine have told me that he would talk about me with such tenderness and affection when I wasn’t in the room.  He helped me through a very traumatic bullying incident at work, and I was there for some very difficult family issues that he just wanted me to listen to when he needed to get things out of his system.


In the last year we were together, we had some tough discussions at times, but I never yelled or got angry with him and he never yelled or got angry with me.  We always addressed what was going on in a positive and “let’s take care of this now” fashion. We didn’t want anything to get stuffed or to fester.


But his depression started to get slowly worse as he went down on his meds.  It wasn’t noticeable to me at first, but he was noticing it.  By March, he had gained a lot of weight that he had previously lost, was not feeling like he could snap out of things, was doing a lot of self-talk to get himself out of bed or over to my house to see me – which he said was VERY important to him, so he made himself do it, but it was harder and harder to succeed at.  He was finding it more difficult to participate in things that he used to love doing or find the energy to get out and make it happen.  But he was TRYING.  Every single day he was TRYING to do it.  And going to counseling.  And talking to me about his progress. EVERY SINGLE DAY.  He used to tell me that even on the bad days, talking to me about what he had done for the day IMPROVED the quality of his day, regardless of how he felt about himself.  (It could have been me sitting there or a mannequin – the point is that HE was taking the initiative and working on his depression, and I had nothing to do with it.  I was just the cheerleader).


I remember one day in April when he had a really rough weekend, he said he wanted to come over.  When he got to the house he asked if he could just go upstairs and lay down on my bed.  I fed my kids some dinner and went up to check on him and he just wanted someone to sit with him while he confessed a personal indiscretion of his (not something I really cared about but was against his own personal desires for growth).  I just listened and held him.  Later, he told me how monumental it was to have someone hold him in love and without judgement while he laid there and talked about his shame.  


In March, he met with his doctor who suggested he go back to his original dosage of Anti-depressant.


He told me that his first immediate and instinctive reaction was “No.  I don’t want to go back on that high of a dosage.”  And he said at the time he was thinking of the impact to our relationship.  I didn’t ask him then … I thought he was referring to the sexual side effects (now I am not so sure) …  but immediately after thinking “No”, he felt he needed to do as the doctor instructed so went back on the meds.  


This was right after we got back from an AMAZING romantic trip to the snow that he commented several times was one of the best vacations and romantic trips he had ever been on, and was so excited that we had done that together.


Fast forward, Friday May 18th:  I haven’t heard from him in 4 days.  Sometimes he takes a few days off to just chill, but I have texted him on Thursday and didn’t hear back, and Friday morning left a message on his phone.  He hasn’t called me so I got worried.  He suffers from Diabetes and sleep apnea on top of the depression, and I knew he had been in pain lately, so I didn’t know if something else was up.  Out of concern for his health, I texted a friend to see if he had heard from him (something I had never done before), and his friend said he had been struggling that week, but seemed to be doing fine today.  And then my boyfriend texted me, saying he was sorry that he hadn’t contacted me, it was so sweet I was worried and that he was okay.  I was agitated with him and asked if something was up, and was really worried.  He said no, he just lost track of the days, and was hoping he would see me that night.
When I saw him that night he was noticeably cold and distant with me.  I thought it was because I was agitated with him for not contacting me.  We sat down to talk about it.  One of the first things he said was, “Every time something like this comes up it makes me think I shouldn’t be in a relationship.”  


…. Huh? …  The look on my face was probably a deer in the headlights.  I didn’t know what he was talking about.   ‘Everytime something like WHAT comes up?’  I was thinking.  But we kept talking and he said we would work it out and all would be well.  I wanted to spend time doing something with him that would bring him laughter or enjoyment so I agreed to play one of his favorite games with him.  But he was different – there was an edge … a nasty undercurrent to the way he spoke to me during the game that was almost spiteful.  I blew it off, thinking he was just tired.


Monday, May 21st:  We spent an evening together at his place.  He had planned to cook dinner for us but his depression had kicked in and so we went out to dinner and then came back to his house to watch tv and cuddle.  Then we talked a bit.  I told him that I wanted to ask a question about that statement from the last week because it bothered me, and kinda scared me a bit.  He said three things that again were soooooo out of character for this man:

  1. “I just did that because I was trying to be honest with you.  And I know that you are strong enough to face your abandonment issues if you need to.”  
  2. “If last summer hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be together right now.”  
  3.  And he also referred to his 11 year old daughter as “acting like a b****”.  

Okay this man NEVER EVER EVER talks like that about the child that he loves more than life itself.  That alone should have been the biggest red flag ever!  I left his house that night feeling even more confused and lost and groping for what was up than before.

 

Friday, May 25th – My nightmare: So we had planned to have me stay over at his place that night.  We hadn’t had a night together since our vacation in March.  But I was wanting to talk about these statements he had made, and I was feeling strange about bringing anything to his attention because of his recent reactions.  He could tell I was holding something back, but I asked if I could wait a bit and we talked about his day.  And then we watched a very funny movie together and cuddled on the couch.  It was a really nice evening.  He asked if I was ready to talk and I said yes.  I told him that his comments had me concerned.  I didn’t understand why he needed to bring up issues about ending the relationship when we were discussing something like this and it made me nervous about bringing up anything serious or substantial for fear I would trigger something.  But at the same time, I had to be myself and voice something if it was important to me.  He sorta sat up from his cuddling position and said, “Okay, I didn’t figure this out until right now.  I’ve been denying it for too long and I just realized it.  I love you.  But I am not in love with you. Sorry.”  


I just sat there frozen.  And next to me was an android without feeling.  No voice inflection.   No tenderness.  Through sobs over the next 20 minutes I asked if this was his depression and maybe he should talk to his counselor first.  In retrospect, I think he agreed to talk to his counselor just to get me out of his house, but he agreed to do it and asked me to give him a break until Tuesday.  He then walked away from me and stood against the wall at the far side of the room and just waited for me to get up and leave.  I didn’t know if he had already ended our relationship or not, I was in shock.  When I got up to leave I got my things but I wanted to leave and take the high road, so I told him that I just wanted what was best for him and that I was totally in love with him and walked over to hug him and kiss him on the cheek.  He whispered, “Sorry babe.”  And I lost it.  As I sobbed, he stood like a statue in front of me. Not holding me or touching me.  There was nothing there.  I left, still in shock, not knowing what else to do.


Tuesday, May 29th: At 2:30 in the afternoon, I received an email from him.  

 

Quote

I spoke with my therapist today and we spent the entire session talking about our relationship and my decision to end it.  And after talking to him, I'm sure this is the right decision for me.


One of the things my therapist had me do was to take you out of the equation and think about whether I wanted to be in a relationship at all -- and the answer is no, I don't.  I thought I did.  I thought it was just a matter of time for me to come around and fully engage.  But I realize now that that's not going to happen.


What happened Friday night must have caught you by surprise and I understand why.  It was a sudden admission (to myself) of something I've been denying for a while.  And once I accepted it, I knew I had to say something.  It's one thing to lie to myself -- but at that point, if I had continued I would have been lying to you.


I'm struggling ridiculously even trying to write this.  I'm not sure what else to say.  Except that I love you and I am sorry.

 

I was devastated and didn’t know what to do for the first day.  I did not go to work the next day.  I was totally numb and non-functional.  But I needed some answers because I was so confused.  This is someone who has planned a future with me.  Invited me into a relationship with his daughter, something he did not do lightly (It took him two months just to tell her that we were dating, and she LOVES me!).  Did I misread all of our connections and amazing times together?  Was it all in my head?  No … I re-read his emails and replayed things he had said to me in my head.  Those were real, intimate, and emotional messages that meant something, not just to me but to him.  I didn’t invent those things.  Okay.  Did I do something wrong?  Was he mad at me?  What did I do?  


I texted him later that day.  “Are you able to talk on the phone?”


His reply: “I’m heading out to Eric’s for game night and won’t be home until late.  Can we talk tomorrow?”

 

… What?

 

… Are you kidding me?  

 

WHO IS THIS PERSON?!?!  You just totally wiped out my future with you with one email and you can’t take time out for a phone call?  Game night takes priority?  WHO ARE YOU?  This is NOT the same person that I had dated for nearly a year.

 

I didn’t talk to him the next day, I couldn’t.  It was obvious to me that I didn’t have a freaking idea where I was or who I was dealing with, so I didn’t even know what questions to ask or if the answers I would get would actually mean anything.  I spent a week in absolute and total grief.  I did not know my heart could bleed like that. 


In addition, he had been planning a romantic getaway birthday weekend for me that would have taken place in 4 days.  He had made a big deal of it with me on a couple of occasions because he wanted it to be special.  It was his idea.  And now … it had just vanished.  No words, no cancellation, no apologies.  It was simply nonexistent.


That’s when I found this forum and some of these answers.  I finally found something that actually made sense.  The entire thing, from the first break-up, to the last to his crazy transformation right in front of me – it all finally made some freakin’ sense.

 

I had a couple of questions I wanted to ask him before I could try and let him and this relationship go (it would almost kill me to do it but I didn't feel I had a choice).  I knew, based on these forums and the hundreds of other articles on SSRIs and how they can break up relationships and kill romantic love, and how the people taking the meds won’t listen to you or acknowledge the problem if you talk to them, that I would be saying goodbye because he was practically already gone.  He was running away from me as fast as he could.  


And it was nothing I did.  IT WAS NOTHING THAT I DID.  (I have to tell myself that still, repeatedly, every day).  This was all him.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  

 

Thursday, June 7th:
This is the last time I spoke with him.  I asked to talk to him on the phone. I asked him if he could please walk me through his discussion with his counselor.  He said it was just as he said the night he broke up with me.  I responded that that was confusing to me.  (Every time they tell the story, it changes.  Why does it change?).  Because I spent a week trying to figure out if I had imagined the love we shared, if it was just me.  And I mentioned several very emotional details, close connections, that I am positive were shared in-love experiences.  The tenderness he would show me when I wasn’t even around.  He told me that he tried to be in love with me, wanted to be in love, but it was like he was “playing a role”.  And he could never quite get there.  

 

I couldn’t hold it together while we were talking on the phone because he was robotic and flat.  No emotion at all in his voice.  He kept saying “I’m Sorry” like he was supposed to, but there wasn’t feeling behind it at all.  I asked about this future that we had planned together with our kids, and that his daughter said she was feeling like a big sister to my daughter.  He didn’t say anything.  


He mentioned again his fear of going back on those meds in March when his doctor recommended he up his dosage.  I don’t know why, but I think it’s possible that he knew this was a potential side effect.  That he would lose all romantic feelings.  But he still did it, and it doesn’t sound like he has any plans to go back.


I asked him while I was sobbing on the phone if he felt anything about this breakup, while this was tearing me to pieces.  In that flat monotone voice that I had never heard before, he said, “Yea, I feel awful.”  Like a clone of him was on the other end of the phone, but my boyfriend had been kidnapped and was missing.  I SWEAR TO GOD that is NOT the man that I had a relationship with.  There is NOTHING about him that resembles his character in anyway.  He transformed before me in almost a single evening.  From watching a funny movie together, cuddling on the couch, to ending it forever and wanting me out of his life as FAST as humanly possible.  I am sure to others he probably looks like the same person, but maybe isn’t as exuberant or open with feelings as he once was.  The friends of mine that have seen us together very much believe what I have shared – but some of his friends may not see a difference at all. 


I asked him if I did something wrong, he said no.  I said was it me?  He said no, this was all him and he was sorry.  I was crying and apologizing on the phone and he asked me not to apologize.  And at the same time he is running fast and hard.  He doesn’t want anything to do with me at all.  


WHAT HAPPENED?!?!  


… … …

 


I spend my time now going through the whirlwind.  Grieving like someone has died.  Angry to the point of rage and screaming obscenities at the clone that robbed me of someone that was near and dear to my heart.  Confused and lost at what the hell happened and why I can’t fix it.  Loving because in the end all I want is for him to be well, even if that means I lost him forever (because I can’t fix this, only he can).  Trying to figure out how I can take care of myself without drowning in my grief, take care of my children, my job, my life, and still recognize that this relationship was something I DID RIGHT, and am PROUD OF, even if the other person walked away.


It's been 3 ½ weeks since the breakup, and I am still finding myself at times in a puddle of tears on the floor.  Or waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my face and crying out from the nightmares.  Or lapsing into states of not being able to concentrate on anything but the loss and pain.  I thought something was wrong with me, or that I myself was falling into a state of depression.  Fortunately I no longer think that is the case, however I DO think that I am seriously suffering from emotional shock.  I absolutely DO NOT plan on taking any drugs to deal with this problem but am seeking counseling and support in other areas to handle my pain.

 

 

Summary:  THANK YOU for your posts, and your links, and your scientific articles, and backgrounds, and personal stories.  It is THE ONLY THING that makes sense.  I have actually tried to give his version of the truth credibility – but his version keeps changing.  And even if his stories didn’t change, they still don’t make any sense at all.  He told me, “It just all of a sudden zapped into my brain that I never was in love with you.  Didn’t you ever just KNOW something with absolute certainty and have to take action on it right then?”   Hmmm, well okay, but maybe I would rethink that strategy if I was taking mind-altering drugs at the same time (is what I was thinking).  

 

THIS SUCKS!  I am a type-A personality, and I can’t fix this.  I can’t help him get out of this problem.   I haven’t told him about

He complained that he could never fall in love with me (and he was on anti-depressants throughout our entire relationship, but the dosage was doubled at the end), but I know there were times when he truly did feel something, as do several other people who witnessed his actions and heard his words.  (And several SSRI users who are tapering off of their antidepressants start feeling romantic love again, their stories are wonderful.)  I can’t love him out of his depression.  I can’t convince him to lower his dosage or taper off those pills altogether, so he isn’t an android anymore.  I can’t force him to talk to me.  

 

And the person I loved really isn’t even here right now (or maybe he’s gone forever which KILLS KILLS KILLS KILLS me).  It’s what hurts the most … and at the same time is what gives me the tiniest sense of hope.  I can grieve his loss, which is one of the most painful things I have ever endured.  I honestly don’t know how to stand up some days, after crying and sobbing on the floor for 30 minutes.  And his apathetic clone that robbed me of someone incredibly dear DOESN’T … FEEL … ANYTHING.  

 

And yet, some of the people on this forum report their loved ones eventually stop the meds and show up again.  I am not holding out hope for that.  I can’t.  His words and actions are filled with such finality and a desire for me to go away.  This is a pain I cannot describe.  But I have to move forward with my life.  For me, my children, my future.  I hope the man I fell in love with finds his way back to his daughter, his friends, and to himself. 

 

 

QUESTIONS:

  • Every time they tell their version of the story, it changes.  Why does their story keep changing?
  • He was telling me during the breakup that he wanted his relationship with me, but has been struggling with falling in love with me, and that he has realized it will never happen.  Do I tell him why?  Do I tell him the very antidepressants he is taking are killing his romantic love, dopamine levels, oxytocin – and have created the transformation into a$$hole android apathetic clone he has become right now?  (I won’t put it like that but so many times I want to).  I have been battling within myself whether or not to send him any information on tapering his meds, sending him Helen Fisher information, etc.  Here is my battle within myself:
    • PRO:  He didn’t want to go on the meds originally (for reasons I believe were because he wanted to protect our relationship).  If he were to taper off of them sooner rather than later, he might get back to HIM – and HE IS AWESOME!  HE IS SO AMAZING. The real person behind all of this is the best parent, partner, friend, caregiver, HUMAN BEING. And he probably has no idea!!!  He might be a better parent!  He would feel his FEELINGS again!  He was working on getting in touch with his feelings with his counselor!  And he can’t do that while being so emotionally flat!  And this has nothing to do with getting back together with me – that’s a completely separate issue that I don’t know if I could even go back to, given the roller coaster ride of the last year.  BUT HE IS WORTH SAVING.  I just want him to be healthy and happy no matter what, and he isn’t when he isn’t HIMSELF so drugged up on that crap!!
    • CON:  He won’t listen to a thing I say.  Even though he will be polite and accept my emails or my texts, I KNOW him with people he can’t stand (like his mother), and he is treating me EXACTLY like that.  He doesn’t want ANYTHING to do with me.  I swear to god at this point if I died he wouldn’t give a flying rat’s behind.  He has ditched me like garbage which makes NO SENSE to begin with.  We used to be FRIENDS.  We shared everything, and he was so tender and affectionate with me.  It’s GONE and HISTORY in the blink of an eye.  Also, this is none of my business anymore.  

 

So so so sorry for such a long post.  My others won’t novels of this length and magnitude.  Thank you for your time.

 

~ Still in shock.
 

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Mermaid17

WakeMeUp - first let me say how sorry I am that you have joined this club. But also know that reading your post yesterday once again validated the hell I have been living with the love of my life, my husband. He has been medicated since he was 15, and after 20 years on the crap he left me - within weeks of the birth of our third baby. It was SO, so similar to what happened with you, but more drawn out. For years he was distant, but so, so sick from the WD effect of stopping cold turkey for the first decade we were together. He just got sicker and sicker, more and more medicated, and eventually needed ECT - electroconvulsive therapy. It worked, but he was kept on 10 mg. Lexapro for some stupid reason. He wasn't depressed anymore, but still so apathetic to me. I kept blaming the depression . . . His mood took a dip again spring 2016 and they doubled the lexapro, and he became a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. I'd gotten used to living, and loving, this shell of a man, but once the meds were doubled he was a hypomanic monster. Cold, hostile, wanted nothing to do with me, and I was pregnant. It was a nightmare. 

 

That sense that the only explanation for your partner's change in personality, change in HEART, is the meds is SPOT ON. Once I realized the drugs had been doing this to my husband all along it was like a decoder was fitted over my eyes and I could see EVERYTHING so clearly. 10 years worth of heartache. It was all washed clean knowing it was the DRUGS, and not him, the entire time. How I ache for him. I've cried like I'm being murdered most days for nearly two years. And I will until he's home.

 

As far as your questions go, here's my take.

The reason the story he gives you varies so much is because HE IS OUT OF HIS MIND right now. Do not look for consistency, or for him to make sense of anything for you. You know your heart, and you know this isn't right. My husband's memory is so jacked up from the meds too. He admitted at Christmas that yeah, the drugs played a role, but so what? Major breakthrough even being able to SEE the drugs caused his loss of feelings, but then a few months later he's taking it back. Though he can now admit he loved me once - he told me the first year he wasn't sure he ever loved me. We've been together nearly 17 years, through hell and back. It's INSANE that he can't access even memories of that love, or at least he couldn't on the high dose. INSANE. I know how deeply he loves me. If anything him saying that makes everything else he says even more preposperous.  It's getting better, but he got hit hard with WD after about 6 months into his major, rapid reduction - he did not follow the protocol I suggested.

 

As far as telling him about this terrible phenomenon - you will likely have NO LUCK from it, at first. Sharing the info, the articles, the testimonies, while he is medicated will mean nothing to him. He might be able to admit similarities but refuse to say this is true for you guys. He is likely SPELLBOUND (see Dr. Breggin). That's what my husband did at first. BUT, I would encourage you to do it anyways. Plant the seeds. My husband swore he wouldn't change the meds for years to come, then 10 months after he left admitted he had dropped to 5 mg. Lexapro, which explained how I was beginning to see his personality return . . . My husband never wanted to be medicated in the first place, and when I noticed he was LOSING HIS HAIR (a common side-effect not acknowledged by the medical community) that scared him, and he began his rapid reduction. Ugh. Still, it was a miracle. The info showing how HARMFUL these meds are physically will matter more than how they kill romance.  And it's incredible that he doesn't want to be with anyone else - that's the deal with my husband. It's unheard of for men his age to leave wives without a mistress, especially with CHILDREN as young as ours. He thought it was completely reasonable. It's like the part of their brain where WE LIVE is just cut off, never existed. talking about our marriage, our life together, was like talking to someone about what it's like to be a parent with someone who DOESN'T HAVE KIDS, never wanted them, doesn't even like them. It's like I stopped existing. Like our entire LIFE never happened. This is not NATURAL at ALL. It's drug-induced. It's hell on earth. 

 

Perhaps try some of these:

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/04/07/health/antidepressants-withdrawal-prozac-cymbalta.html


https://www.madinamerica.com/2017/10/rigorous-study-finds-antidepressants-worsen-long-term-outcomes/


https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2005-04/cp-sai040105.php

https://www.madinamerica.com/2018/03/a-tale-of-two-studies/

 

I would also encourage you to pray. I was not someone who ever in a million years would have said something like that to someone, but I had NOWHERE to go but to GOD when this horror began, and it's been incredible how God has shown up. He was there all along, but I wasn't looking for him like I do now. God is love. And it's clear you love this man. Fight for him. Ask God to fight for him. It's what love does. 

 

Feel free to contact me privately - sending big, big hugs. You are not alone.

 

 

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