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Marriages destroyed by SSRI SNRI - Topix

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Ramsnic

Hi. 

I haven't been able to read your whole post as the pain in my heart gets overwhelming when I look back at what I did to my family while taking this poisen. I'm one of the lucky ones who managed to get off it. It raped me of my family and my self respect. I left the husband I adored and had affairs. I moved out of our home and 'was not myself'. I did things I hate to recall. It took 3 years to get off this drug as the withdrawal was so horrific. Now my (ex) husband has moved  on and I'm left alone. I help other people i meet who are taking any anti depressants as there all horrific mind altering ****. 

 

I feel so so sad for you and pray you get your hisband back. I have post traumatic stress from this and struggle to deal with the reality of the things I did and how I treated people. My way is to block it all off and try ignore it. I can't change it. I pray for him to find peace after this. 

God bless.  Nicola. 

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MoonGoddess

Nicola, thank you so much for your message and kindness. I'm so sorry that you went through this, too. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and eventually find love again.

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VeeEssSee

MoonGoddess,

Your story is almost identical to my own except my husband was on Citalopram. I've read in a couple of places online about Welbutrin doing this though. My husband has now been off Citalopram for almost three weeks after a quick five week taper and is seeing someone else. I feel utterly devastated.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to reach out to you, you're not alone in this.

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MoonGoddess

VeeEssSee, thanks for your message of support. I'm so deeply sorry for you. I know how much pain you're going through. The past 3 1/2 weeks have been torture for me. My spouse told me today that he is now off the drugs (today was the first time I've seen him in 2 weeks) and that he was already tapering off 3 weeks ago (although there was another time a few weeks back when he said he wasn't so I don't know because he's been lying to me). He did seem warmer to me today, not so cold, like a couple weeks back. But I have no idea if his full feelings for me will come back or when. I don't know if he's still seeing this other woman and I have no idea what will happen with us. I'm so heart-broken and I feel so lonely without him.

 

Let us know what happens with you? Sending good thoughts...

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EagleDoc
Posted (edited)

 

19 hours ago, ultimatumprisoncell said:

I have not updated in quite a while. The disastrous results of my CT incident have haunted and held me prisoner for eight months.  It is finally over. Over as far as the courts, the "justice system" have declared. I can NOW ONLY begin to start picking up the broken pieces of my wreckage and attempt to start emotionally healing as a result.

 

The "meds" have destroyed my life. The one person who claimed to understand this and love and accept me despite this has made very poor decisions in his own personal life. 

 

Mistakes that he can NEVER blame on these horrible drugs, as he's never so much as entertained the thought of "popping" an SSRI in his 57 years of life. 

 

Something that began destroying my life shortly before the turn of my 18th birthday.

 

When all I was doing was being a "Compliant patient", accepting the "Advice" of " physicians" who never knew me and never felt the need to "Follow up".

 

Please excuse and forgive me; for being bitter and angry. I'm sure this is something that many of you can identify with.

 

25 years of being told I was "Crazy". "You must really need the meds". "Your suffering/symptoms are all in your head/due to the fact you're ******* crazy (and therefore need to be medicated).

 

God bless my primary care physician. 

 

Who, after the cardiologist thinking he was god and knew everything, stood up for me. Told them he knew me and maybe wasn't familiar with (maybe, but very unlikely this was not the very first he'd heard of the horrors of SSRIs) all of the detrimental effects. But I was definitely having them. And it was definite SSRI "Discontinuation". Withdrawal really. My medical records do not include the term "Discontinuation". It is withdrawals. And he acknowledged it. He certified my SDI temporary disability based on the diagnoses of "Psychosis" and "Emotional lability" as a direct result of "Tapering of antidepressants".

 

God bless him.

 

God bless all of you.

 

Ultimately, the charges brought against my ex who was completely innocent were dismissed today.

 

And ultimately, the reason the DA dropped said charges were because of this website.

 

I had written them a desperate plea in late december that mentioned survivingantidepressants.org as the reason I clung to reality and sanity. The reason I didn't become a suicidal statistic. And begged them to open their eyes.

 

They finally listened.

 

The DA requested last week that I send them my and his blog entries from survivingantidepressants.org.

 

And then dismissed all charges immediately upon reviewing them.

 

This website is likely the only reason an innocent man is not going to jail.

 

And this website is likely the only reason I continue my battles.

 

I was much heavier than I'd been in my life late in the antidepressant days.

 

Much of that was poor diet/diabetes/psych med weight.

 

The weight never dropped with dietary changes and diabetes meds, in fact went up after the fact. Especially after the Zoloft was introduced. And despite of the fact I was on moderate doses of Adderall. 

 

I became violently ill when I started my taper.

 

I lost myself completely when I discontinued that taper at an unheard of "miniscule dose" even over a nearly two year taper with "rescue meds" added on.

 

I have been violently ill ever since. I am 5'7". Weighed in at 124 at my doctors office last week.

 

Nearly 50 pounds less than I was a year ago.

 

I needed to lose some of that weight, if you technically want to go there.

 

I just never imagined myself at 40 years old, after giving birth to and raising three children (ages 16, 18 and 21) as a size 2.

 

I have only SSRIS to "thank" I suppose.

 

Most of all, I just needed to reiterate with all of you how important your stories are.

 

Your suffering means a lot, to someone, somewhere.

 

It is not in vain.

 

They are starting to listen to us.

 

God bless you all and thank you for your bravery.

 

 

 

LINK to previous post:  marriages-destroyed-by-ssri-snri-topix

 

 

I am that innocent man @ultimatumprisoncell Is referring to.  I also would like to thank this site for educating and elucidating people as to the horrors of these “medications” (read: poisons).  But most of all, I want to thank @ultimatumprisoncell For sticking it out and finally getting the DA to understand how “out of her head” she was at the time.  She will still need a lot of time to “heal” and a lot of counseling to work through all the events that caused the PTSD in the first place, but I will stick it out and support her during that time if she will allow me.

 

I still love her to death and want nothing less than the world for her.  I have had some other tragedies in my personal life involving my ex-wife and my irresponsible son whom my ex-wife poisoned against me.  There were some very tough decisions I had to make when they left and I thought I was making the best decision for all concerned, in retrospect, I should have made the tougher decisions.

 

@ultimatumprisoncell I still believe you are truly my “soul mate”, I am here if you want me.  I will do everything in my power to help and support you through this and for the rest of my life if you will let me. 😳💙

Edited by ChessieCat
fixed up quote & and link to previous post

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PleaseNo

Hello, this is my first post here. I posted the below to the Marriages destroyed by ADs, SSRIs/SNRIs FB page yesterday but deleted it when I realised I had invited my husband to join that group. I hope some of the people there also post here so I can tell them thank you for their responses. I am utterly grief stricken right now and this is one place (and the FB page) that gives me a little hope. My story is remarkably similar to MoonGoddess' and several others. I just want this nightmare to end.

"Have just read through many of the posts below. Thank you all for giving me hope today when I am finding it almost impossible to see a happy ending to my story. I'm very lost right now because my husband (of 20yrs) told me he wanted to separate because of the classic "I love you but I don't love you like that anymore' a month ago and immediately started an emotional (at this stage) affair with someone he had just met. I didn't see it coming and neither did any of our friends. I'm still in shock.

I immediately did some research on SSRIs (Zoloft in his case, approx 3 years) causing sexual side effects (which we knew he had) and was floored by all I found about emotional numbing, loss of attachment etc etc. It was like a light bulb went off and I could look back and see so clearly how subtly yet clearly different he had become over the past 3 years.

I've been clinging to the thought that it's the drug that has him acting this way. I showed him all the evidence/proof and he's taken it on board at least so far as to start tapering (probably too quickly) so we can see what 'pans out'.

And then I prepared myself to fight and to stick it out until we could see if the meds had caused him to say that his love for me had just faded away and that he couldn't get it back no matter how hard he had tried (all by himself, not telling anyone including me, that that has been how he's been feeling 'for a long time').

But it's really really really hard (I am simply devastated) and this morning I was about to recant my willingness to wait. And it's only been a few weeks. I think if there wasn't this other woman involved I could cope better but he's refusing to stop talking to her. And I'm finding that really hard to deal with. And so out of character for him. He says he can see that it 'might' not be the right thing to do to be seeing both of us right now (the past weekend has been hell, he works away during the week and is only 'home' on weekends) but he just doesn't care. He says he really likes her so he doesn't care if it's selfish or wrong, he's going to keep building a relationship with her.

I was just so distressed about it all this morning. And then I came here and reminded myself that in all likelihood this isn't him making that decision. It's the meds. And it gives me strength to continue to be vulnerable and to keep waiting. Thank you all.

I would love to hear more from people who have been in my husbands shoes so I can know more about what he might be thinking/going through."

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Mermaid17

Hi PleaseNo - we have spoken on FB . . . I responded saying I couldn't find your post. I'm glad you're here. As I said before, hang in there. Mirror back what he gives you and try to hold the man you know him to be in your heart. I read somewhere last year in a book by Martha Beck that whoever said love it blind had no idea what he was talking about. Love allows you to see a person EXACTLY as they are. You know who he is, and you know  he didn't choose this . . . and his tapering the meds means there is so much to be hopeful for. God bless!

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JustwantmyShaneback
23 hours ago, PleaseNo said:

Hello, this is my first post here. I posted the below to the Marriages destroyed by ADs, SSRIs/SNRIs FB page yesterday but deleted it when I realised I had invited my husband to join that group. I hope some of the people there also post here so I can tell them thank you for their responses. I am utterly grief stricken right now and this is one place (and the FB page) that gives me a little hope. My story is remarkably similar to MoonGoddess' and several others. I just want this nightmare to end.

"Have just read through many of the posts below. Thank you all for giving me hope today when I am finding it almost impossible to see a happy ending to my story. I'm very lost right now because my husband (of 20yrs) told me he wanted to separate because of the classic "I love you but I don't love you like that anymore' a month ago and immediately started an emotional (at this stage) affair with someone he had just met. I didn't see it coming and neither did any of our friends. I'm still in shock.

 

I immediately did some research on SSRIs (Zoloft in his case, approx 3 years) causing sexual side effects (which we knew he had) and was floored by all I found about emotional numbing, loss of attachment etc etc. It was like a light bulb went off and I could look back and see so clearly how subtly yet clearly different he had become over the past 3 years.

 

I've been clinging to the thought that it's the drug that has him acting this way. I showed him all the evidence/proof and he's taken it on board at least so far as to start tapering (probably too quickly) so we can see what 'pans out'.

 

And then I prepared myself to fight and to stick it out until we could see if the meds had caused him to say that his love for me had just faded away and that he couldn't get it back no matter how hard he had tried (all by himself, not telling anyone including me, that that has been how he's been feeling 'for a long time').

 

But it's really really really hard (I am simply devastated) and this morning I was about to recant my willingness to wait. And it's only been a few weeks. I think if there wasn't this other woman involved I could cope better but he's refusing to stop talking to her. And I'm finding that really hard to deal with. And so out of character for him. He says he can see that it 'might' not be the right thing to do to be seeing both of us right now (the past weekend has been hell, he works away during the week and is only 'home' on weekends) but he just doesn't care. He says he really likes her so he doesn't care if it's selfish or wrong, he's going to keep building a relationship with her.

 

I was just so distressed about it all this morning. And then I came here and reminded myself that in all likelihood this isn't him making that decision. It's the meds. And it gives me strength to continue to be vulnerable and to keep waiting. Thank you all.

 

I would love to hear more from people who have been in my husbands shoes so I can know more about what he might be thinking/going through."

 

I am glad to see you here for support and yes we touched based on FB. I am in Brisbane, Australia. You will read about my insanely journey here... stay strong. We are here to support one another xo

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Ramsnic

Hey. To give you hope I am the person who took the tablets and devastated my family and broke my husbands heart. I ran off with someone else and became a person I do not know. It took me 3 years to get off the medication as I would taper too fast and relapse. I lost everything. He won’t see his behaviour while he’s on it. He just feels the thrill and excitement. He will have sad times and in those quiet times he will question what he’s doing but the drug keeps a firm grip. Until he’s off it you won’t get him back. My story is on here. Have him read it. I gave away my marriage and broke my children’s heart as I felt the thrill and adrenaline theses tablets give you. They void your emotions. They prevent you feeling any pain or sadness when your family cry in front of you. When you get off them you have flashbacks of all you have done and that will be the time he needs your support. He has to live with all he has done and all the pain he has caused. Without the medication numbing his feelings. That’s the time he will struggle to cope. The flashbacks are the worse. 

As hard as this is for you, you have to get up and live. Join a gym. Start walking. Start loving yourself so when he is better you are in a good place to rebuild your marriage.keep positive. This is not your husband. This is a drug induced reaction. 

Keep praying. Gos bless you.  Xxx

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PleaseNo

Thank you all. I hate this drowning feeling. I feel a little stronger today though. Let’s hope that lasts through the weekend. 

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Mermaid17

PleaseNo just know it's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. While there is somewhat of a script they often follow while drugged, it is a variation on a theme, and my husband did not have affairs either. Still, he became devoid of emotion, became hostile towards ME, basically no one else, though by the time he really lost it on an upped dose of a Lexapro he really had no other relationships. It's the meds. I look back on the decade he was steadily medicated and can see all of his changes so CLEARLY though the lens of understanding what SSRIs really DO to people. It's the meds. Your love is in there, just cloaked behind a chemical veil. It's the meds. Hang in there. Knowing he's getting off of them is a blessing unto itself. We are here for you. 

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PleaseNo
1 hour ago, Mermaid17 said:

PleaseNo just know it's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. It's the meds. While there is somewhat of a script they often follow while drugged, it is a variation on a theme, and my husband did not have affairs either. Still, he became devoid of emotion, became hostile towards ME, basically no one else, though by the time he really lost it on an upped dose of a Lexapro he really had no other relationships. It's the meds. I look back on the decade he was steadily medicated and can see all of his changes so CLEARLY though the lens of understanding what SSRIs really DO to people. It's the meds. Your love is in there, just cloaked behind a chemical veil. It's the meds. Hang in there. Knowing he's getting off of them is a blessing unto itself. We are here for you. 

Thank you. I do think it’s the meds. And then I think I just want it to be. And then I think it’s the only thing that makes any sense (and it fits so perfectly). And then I think that’s because I’m cherry picking because I want it to be the meds. And then I read all these stories and I think it has to be, nothing else fits. Round and round and round.

 

I think I’ve come out of the shock now and feel a little stronger. Still terrified and horrified and shattered. But not quite so raw. 

 

I’m going to see a psychologist on Monday (someone recommended to me because she’s apparently brilliant and very practical). My husband has also agreed to see her (separately and not to ‘save the marriage’), so that’s a bit good I guess. And he’s really listening when I talk to him about tapering slowly. 

 

And thats the really confusing thing. We still talk (or have contact) either every day or every other. Just like we did before, just like normal pretty much (he’s been working away during the week since Feb). And that’s mostly him contacting me not the other way round. And when we talk I can tell he WANTS to talk to me. But maybe that’s just habit.

 

He says he still loves and respects me and will always make sure I’m ok. And he is acting like that’s true... well except that he’s broken my heart by ‘leaving me’ and starting an emotional (at this stage) affair. I say ‘leaving me’ because he was already living away during the week anyway and he hasn’t packed any of his stuff up here at our house so he hasn’t actually ‘left’, really. His toothbrush is still in our bathroom, his clothes are all still in the wardrobe etc. When I ask him if there is any hope he’ll change his mind and say, if not, should I start packing his things up, he says he hasn’t changed his mind about separating and doesn’t think he will... but weren’t we going to wait to see if it was the meds? He seems all over the shop. He doubts it’s the meds. But hasn’t ruled it out. But he’s not going to change his mind (he says). And he’s going to keep seeing the new woman. Round and round and round. 

 

The other thing that fits with it being the meds is how odd he’s being about this new woman. He thinks it’s completely appropriate to leap immediately from our committed 20 year marriage into a new relationship (remember he only told me a month ago he doesn’t love me and he met her a week before he told me, but says he’d been planning to tell me for weeks). So much so that he’s talked to our daughters about her and even took her to his brother’s house this past weekend (when he knew only his brother would be home because our SIL wouldn’t have been at all welcoming). And he talks about her like it’s a done deal that she’s just part of the family scene now (I am very very close to all his family, they are my family!) and like we’re all just going to have to get used to her being there. It’s like he expects me to just be fine with that pretty soon. It’s very strange. It’s like he wants us still to be best friends (like we’ve always been) and he still wants his ‘home’ to remain the same (having all his stuff here still, coming in and cooking himself some breakfast as he did this past weekend, seeing his girls and our dogs (and even seeing me) as normal) but wants the freedom to see someone else romantically. He actually pretty much said that a few weekends ago. He doesn’t want anything to change... but he’s not happy and wants everything to change. All over the place. 

 

I have always believed that people can be attracted to and even love several people simultaneously but I haven’t read anything about this that explains why as well as this article I found yesterday (linked below). It makes perfect sense to me that if we have 3 separate brain chemical systems for sexual attraction, romantic love and attachment, that if these meds block romantic love and sexual attraction (as they absolutely have been documented to do) then a husband or wife could easily start to question the attachment third that remains.

 

And then if someone comes along that is new and shiny and because of that newness can evoke strong romantic love and sexual desire responses, that that could ‘break through’ the numbness enough that the medicated brain could actually FEEL those feelings that they can’t feel with their ‘boring’ (because they’ve long ago moved through that ultra exciting first love stage) partner. That must feel intoxicating and exhilarating. A ‘dopamine hit’ as I saw someone else here say previously (this also fits with him starting smoking again after 16 years not long after starting AD and also with his very very high consumption of strong coffee for the same time period). Marry that (sorry) with the empathy-dampening and ‘lack of remorse’ effect of the drug and it’s not at all surprising that a person that thinks they no longer feels romantic love for their partner can so easily and quickly and with no guilt become obsessed with someone new.

 

And that all fits exactly with what my husband is doing right now. And that’s why I cling to the (as you say) ‘It’s the meds, it’s the meds, it’s the meds’. To me it just fits. I so so hope I’m right and that if he tapers off he’ll ‘come to his senses’ (literally). But I’m also so so frightened that he won’t and that it will be too late anyway if he continues to form a bond with this new woman. This waiting is so cruel.

 

Thank you for being there, it really helps. 

 

https://freshwriting.nd.edu/volumes/2017/essays/the-unrecognized-marriage-killing-effects-of-ssri-antidepressants

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Mermaid17

Hi everyone. I’m going to post here because sometimes on the FB site there are people who are just so, so quick to say it’s hopeless, even unhealthy, to wait and pray. But this thread seems full of people at least rooting for recovery in their loved ones, or someone who has recovered and wants to spread hope.

 

Last night my husband handed me an envelope with his proposed terms of divorce. I cried, told him I love him, and once he left the house, without opening the envelope, I tore it up and threw it in the garbage. It happened to be trash night (something I know God planned out) so I put it out with the garbage. The state law where we live mandates that if divorce is not consensual, then a partner must live away for two years before he or she can initiate divorce and the other partner cannot stop it. That date is upon us, on Nov. 29. Now, its amazing that he moved out then and not after Dec. 5 2016, because on that date the state law changed and only ONE year separation is required now. I have felt that is God’s way of buying us some time.

 

He told me a few weeks ago he is down to 2.5 mg Lexapro - he became a total monster once his dosage was upped from 10 to 20 mg, but he had been steadily medicated nearly a decade and I can now see how they emotionally impaired him even before he lost ALL feelings for me - WHILE I WAS PREGANT WITH OUR THIRD BABY. A baby we very much planned, worked nearly 6 months to conceive. 

 

I know our love exists beyond the confines of a marriage license. But I have been praying this entire time that if he is going to recover and come home that it happen before he divorces me. I have a feeling that the veil will lift on this dose. God has told me in no uncertain terms he will recover at some point . . . But it will be a constant battle for me to maintain that faith in the face of this looming deadline. I just wanted to share this with you. He had about three solid weeks where his personality was so much more intact, but then this weekend he was withdrawn and prickly again. He hasn’t tapered properly of course. Dropped from 5 to 2.5 mg. At the start of the summer and I KNEW something had changes because he became a real jerk again towards me most of the summer. I knew it was withdrawal though. I just knew it. Anyways, it’s like he needed to be back in that cold place again to hand me the papers. The three weeks he was more there I knew he had drafted something but he didn’t feel compelled to hand it to me. 

 

Everything I’ve prayed for as happened so far - he is taking measures to get OFF this poison, which I know is the whole reason he can’t feel love for me, and hasn’t for years. But it’s been a long two years. I will keep you posted. But I just so, so appreciate hearing from people like Ramsic and others who were once completely certain they no longer loved their partners, blamed THEM for everything, and now that they are off the drugs look back and cannot make sense of who they became while medicated.

 

Because when he is in the grips of this poison he is just so, so convincing. It takes everything in me to trust that my heart knows his heart. It can seem impossible for him to become HIM again. He thinks he is FINE. He is normal. He blames me for my controlling, overly emotional behavior for the downfall of our marriage. Because I would cry when he’d ignore me. I’d get angry sometimes after so much emotional neglect . . . Because no amount of my tears seemed to MEAN anything anymore, and it never made sense. It does now though, and I know the man I love would NEVER have treated me that way, or done what he’s doing to our children. It’s hell. 

 

Thanks again. Stay strong everyone, and put as much hope, faith, and love into the universe you can muster. I believe its more powerful than even the evil that’s behind these pills. 

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WakeMeUp

Hi Mermaid17!  I am so sorry that this is where things are at for you right now.  After as long as you have been holding out and praying and supporting, the strength that you have right now is so inspiring!

 

My own personal story is so very “new” compared to yours.  My significant other, now ex-boyfriend, is still taking the meds (to my knowledge) – 4x the “recommended daily dosage” on the Lexapro label, and he had no intention of tapering or stopping, at least none that he told me.  So my story probably won’t be of help.

 

However, because we have been part of this small support group here on Surviving Antidepressants.org, and then on some other forums and Facebook pages, I had the very rare lucky chance to witness over about a 6 week period, someone else’s story that helped me for sure, and might give hope to others.

 

I don’t know about you, but there are some days where I feel like no one else understands this at all.  Not doctors, therapists, friends, family, neighbors, no one.  The only people that really “get” this are the people who post on these forum/Facebook pages.  Someone else thought that too, and one day a few months ago was randomly trying to find someone just to talk about the relationship that he didn’t want to lose, and that he had been fighting for over a year to try and save. 

 

He communicated frequently his sadness and despair at watching his girlfriend of many years slip through his fingers, even though she was tapering, but her feelings had not come back at all.  He documented her last day of taking meds just to remember the date.  They were living together, but she told him repeatedly that he needed to move out soon.  He was biding his time and doing all the things that we recommend … mirroring her emotional state, not looking for emotional connection, but still being observant. 

 

At first, he would get “in trouble” if he even looked in her direction.  Couldn’t text her, talk to her, get near her, call her.  It was like living in the same house but totally separate.  A bit after the pills ended (and she tapered pretty fast, not as slow as the 5-10% every month that we now know to be optimal), she was allowing texts, but only like simple info-only texts.  Maybe a sentence max.  (Window).  But then she would get massively agitated about very simple, seemingly unimportant things.  (Wave).  That wave would last awhile.  Then, about a month later, he caught her smiling (window), which she tried to cover up quickly.  Like she tried to hide it.  He couldn’t believe it.  And a decent mood was present with the smile.  But that was followed by like a week of agitation and really nasty comments and almost picking on him just to do it (wave).  That lasted a couple of weeks.  It was followed up by her opening up a bit more on texts and allowing a couple of short conversations to happen in passing at the house.  At which point I think he may have mentioned something about the meds, and she might want to be careful when she went back for a follow-up appointment, so they didn’t put her back on any meds.  And while she didn’t want to be back on the meds, the very mention of the pills, or that he had said anything, triggered of course another wave.  She was adamant that the pills had NOTHING to do with her lack of feelings toward him.  She had just changed naturally, and this was the new her.  And he just needed to get over it.

 

I am not sure when exactly it happened, but she showed up at home and handed him an eviction notice, stating he had 30 days to get out (wave).  He was absolutely crushed.  He knew he was playing a waiting game with the pills, but he was tormented by “how long is it going to take”, and “OMG I don’t know if I can take the ups and downs and back and forth”.  And then about a day later, he communicated that she started talking to him … A LOT … about a new place he might get, and what kind of furniture he would buy, and where would he live … and while it was about him leaving, the fact that she was talking WITH him was a GIGANTIC change.  He communicated, “OMG this is like the OLD HER!!!!!  I can’t believe it!  She’s almost happy!  I know it’s about me leaving, but still it’s almost like the real person.  And she won’t stop talking!!!  I haven’t seen her like this in years!”. 

 

A couple of days later he got a nasty cold, and she had turned again into her wave behaviors.  She wasn’t recognizing his illness, and was bothered by his coughing/sneezing/etc., and wanted him to sleep elsewhere (like the couch or futon or the floor - not in a place that would help his cold get better).  And he complied.  But after about the 5th day, his fever got the best of him and he just couldn’t move and needed to rest.  And while sitting on the edge of the bed after a hard day of work and just trying to rest for a second, her wave behavior had her asking when he was going to get up and move in the other room.  He pushed back ever so slightly and told her that she wasn’t being very nice, and that he didn’t feel good, and that she might want to look at how she was treating him.  That he was being nothing but respectful to her, and that later on she would realize the pills were making her act this way. 

 

They had some conversations in between windows and waves for the next month.  Her conversations were about telling him its okay if he wanted to date someone else, because she knew he wanted to be with someone.  He would always say he wasn’t even thinking about it.  But the point is – she was having conversations with him.   She was talking.  And texting.  He would offer to cook or pick up dinner and she would answer.  I think a couple of times she may have acquiesced and sat near him at the kitchen table.  And he caught her a couple of more times trying to hide a smile. 

 

But always, there were jabs of Waves.  She would remind him that when he moved out “there would be no hugs goodbye”.  And that he better not call her or text her everyday because she just wanted to be left alone.  That’s all she wanted, and she had been telling him for a long time that’s all she wanted.  And he better just quit hoping that anything would change between now and the 30-day eviction notice because nothing would!!!!!

 

He would communicate in our little support group his despair and heartache, and how much this was devastating him. 

 

And then, one morning, he got a flurry of texts from her.  She wanted to know if he had enjoyed breakfast with his “new girlfriend”.  He had actually taken his grandmother out for breakfast, and she had known that, but what he was hearing seemed to sound a lot like jealousy.  Her texts were peppered with other questions and he was shocked and astounded.  When he got home later that day, he walked into the kitchen and sat at the table ready to talk to her, trying to figure out what was going on.  He wasn’t at all prepared for what she would say.  She was looking down, not really looking at him, and asked, “I was wondering if you would be at all willing to give this relationship another try.”  He said he didn’t know what to do except sit there with his mouth open.  And then of course, said “Yes of course I do.”.  She then asked, “Do you still love me?”.  YES … She used the word LOVE!!!!  … AND … she asked him to hug her.  TWICE.  And she wanted to know more about the pills, because she wanted to know the cause of everything going on. 

 

No eviction.

 

Are they all clear?  No – her brain is still healing.  But remember Helen Fisher – There are 3 brain systems.  Sexual Attraction, Love, Attachment.  In many of the examples and stories we have heard and read about, the attachment portion of the brain seems to heal itself faster than the other two.  She didn’t say she loved him yet, and she wasn’t ready to jump right back in full throttle.  But she also realized she wasn’t ready to give up.  And she said as much to him that day.

 

This happened awhile ago, but I remember that he was just like in a whirlwind of disbelief that he never dreamed to hope for. 

 

I know it isn’t over for them yet, but for those of us who are still in this fight, this gives us so much hope!!!! I was able to observe in REAL TIME HIS struggle to hold on, the love he has for her, and HER struggle to try and figure out WHAT IN THE SAM HELL was going on with her brain and her heart.  SHE had the COURAGE and HUMILITY to ask him to take her back.  HE had the COURAGE and the STRENGTH to stick it out. 

 

I consider both of these people to be HEROES! 

 

I cannot tell you HOW BLESSED I feel that I was sort of a fly-on-the-wall experiencing this AMAZING wake up. IT WAS SO INCREDIBLE.  I am SO HAPPY FOR THEM!!  I know it isn’t my story.  It wasn’t my loved one coming back to me. But the fact that I was allowed to observe this was a GIFT FROM HEAVEN.  It validates EVERYTHING that I know about my own heartbreaking story and gives me hope.  People DO wake up from this.  I watched it happen.

 

 

From what I observed, those windows and waves seemed to be absolutely HORRIBLE toward the end.  And honestly I can see why.  She was probably trying to figure out “What in the freaking hell is wrong with me?!?!?!  Do I want him to stay or go?  Do I like him or am I numb or do I want to be alone?  Why do I care now, and 5 minutes ago I couldn’t give a rat’s ass?!?!”  Those changes toward the end when their brains are seriously healing must MESS UP their thoughts something fierce.  A couple of people have posted that when their feelings came back, they didn’t know it was even LOVE – until much later.  OMG how that must mess people up.  NO WONDER they get so agitated and mean and bitchy when this is going on.  I don’t know this for a fact, but it seems to happen A LOT right before they switch gears during the wake up.

 

I don’t know when your husband will wake up, Mermaid17.  I have ALL the FAITH in the UNIVERSE that he will!  I don’t believe for a second he is destined to be numb forever.  It’s this last little bit that sucks the most.  But YOU KNOW the real him.  YOU KNOW his brain is healing.  Let the impostor write his letters and do his little divorce dance.  And I know you don’t want to have to go through the divorce before he wakes up – we can’t control the timing.  But whenever he does wake up, IT WILL BE WORTH IT.  

 

So much love and peace sent to you, and to everyone else that is holding on to hope for the return of their healthy loved ones. 

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PleaseNo

Thank you WMU, that really does give me a little hope that my situation might turn around eventually.

 

Having a hard time right now and the support is incredibly appreciated. I hope all of us here that are struggling can find comfort in this success story.

 

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Mermaid17

WakeMeUp - as always, THANK YOU. I meant to respond sooner. I have read and reread your post from last Monday so many times, and each time it is like a balm. This is exactly what has been happening with my beloved, and to read your super detailed telling of that other couple’s journey through the END stages of her tapering has been just so, so helpful. Provident, a gift from heaven, as you said.  

 

Just yesterday he went from cold and withdrawn, super prickly, to then almost playful and familiar, all within about two hours. I have resolved to refer to our home as HOME, and I say things like “When will you be home tonight?” instead of letting his drugged mind insist this is no longer his home. (He comes HOME most nights to see the kids, has dinner, and stay HOME while I go to like a yoga class . . . I try to stay busy because A) obviously it helps me and b) it gets the kids more time with him. he’ll leave earlier in the evening if I’m home still.) Anyways, it often aggravates him, and he’ll correct me. He’ll repeat what I said but use the word HERE instead of HOME. He did that Sunday morning. I don’t know why that particular morning it hurt more than normal, but it did, and when he tried to share a smile with me a bit later over something the baby did, I couldn’t give it back. I’m so OVER this. It’s been two years of hell. But reading your post WakeMeUp reigned me in. I know these last few months might be the most challenging . . . I’m worn out but also knowing he’s down to 2.5 mg Lexapro (being bumped from 10 to 20 made him lose his damn mind) makes it HARDER sometimes, there are now hopeful expectations . . . Well, I got back from church like an hour later and he was SO warm. We joked a bit. It was like he was THERE. And for those of you who have experienced this, you know what I mean. He wasn’t ready to fall into my arms but he wasn’t the hostile, cold robot I’d come to anticipate. I could see and feel his SOUL again. Then when he came back HOME later that night he was somewhere in the middle. Not horrible but not wonderful again.

 

Sigh. But I think this is the nature of these end stages perhaps. He has on average been FAR more engaging this last month, but also handed me documents to start the divorce process. It’s JUST LIKE the eviction story. I pray without ceasing, and am told daily by God, that he is recovering and will be home, yet this is still just so, so hard. Thank you for sharing that, thank you SO, so much. It has been a touchstone to reality. I just feel it in my bones every time I read what you shared. Without these forums this would be so much HARDER. No one else understands it, and it is just so NUANCED. Like the littlest things he does have so much meaning, and I sound desperate and insane to anyone who doesn’t understand the ways these drugs change people. WakeMeUp’s telling of that couple’s story carried all of those nuances perfectly. THANK YOU. 

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