Heart's story

[mammaP]

I am so glad that you had a good day and a lovely experience. It's great to read of the windows,

they give everyone hope and you can look back when a wave hits and remember that day and the 

warm fuzzy feeling 

[Heart]

Pity party alert

 

Ever get that feeling that it’s just too much? My friend from over the summer didn’t pass away, although both of us were very scared – but he’s weak and “in decline”. I’ve just about moved in – it’s not safe for him to be alone at night.  My stepfather died 3 months ago after an unexpected and short illness leaving my mother in chaos. I’m unraveling his secretive and wildly complicated finances and dealing with stunning corporate bureaucracy. My schooling last year (as in, the last year of the program)? I signed up, but quit after a medium run in with an instructor. Not because my feelings were hurt (I mean, of course my feeling were hurt – everything still hurts exponentially) but because the field was one in which I would have been responsible for the wellbeing of others and my mind is truly not sharp enough for that. That’s left me going back to a declining business, until I figure out my next step. Is there a professional version of depersonalization? like deprofessionalization? What I used to lock in with, I have lost. No wait – that’s not true – I have a bit of it coming back. But not nearly enough, yet.

 

Oh, oh, oh … feeling low ….

 

Thanks for reading everyone. What a fabulous group you are - I still get strength from reading everyone's posts.

[apace41]

Heart,

 

Have you considered writing for a form of "reprofessionalization"?  I love the way you write and connect words and thoughts.  Seriously.  As you continue to move toward total and complete psychological freedom, perhaps you can find a way to share it with others in words.  Your mix of intellect, wit, dryness and descriptiveness is very captivating.

Hope you are truly doing well.

 

 

Andy

[Altostrata]

How is your recovery from withdrawal syndrome going, Heart?

[Heart]

Andy - reprofessionalism J J J I like that. You’re post was very encouraging and I really needed it -thank you. Unfortunately, although I do like writing, it takes me a long time.  A couple of people have told me that that they like how I write, but that was before. Very nice :-)

 

You’ve caused me to reread my posts – another thank you. It’s uncanny – here I am, decidedly improved from when I first started posting, and yet, I could write the same posts right now, believing that I’m saying something new. It reminds me of when I was in for one of those procedures where they put you out in that twilight anesthesia. When I woke up, I thought of the funniest joke to tell my friend and was really surprised to find that she did not find it funny at all. It turns out, I had just told her this joke, 3 times over, each time convinced that this was the first time I had thought of it – and it was so funny. Ah, so that’s why someone else has to drive … But that’s what rereading my posts feels like - an emotional loop. I can see it. Over and over, I keep feeling that, for the very first time, I finally understand how to thoroughly describe a symptom, how to clear the air, how to separate my sense of self from this craziness… Wow. Alright – time to move on and write different things.

 

By the way, I really was feeling bad, but I just can’t write down hopelessness.  Thanks

[Heart]

Hi Alto. What are my current symptoms? I’m currently wondering about a propensity for spell-binding.

 

Distractedness.  My sense of “me”ness is finally coming back, but it’s fragile. Whatever I feel during the day, it’s more real, more solid, more normal than it has been for years. (I lost that sense of solidity 3 years ago, a year after the last pill)  Unfortunately, what I feel still keeps changing throughout the day and I’m also very easily distracted.

 

Motivation is a problem. I don’t have it – it just dried up for now.

 

Sleeping is still light, feelings of hunger are still light, as are feelings of satiation, cravings, interest in certain foods, or aversion to other foods. I have very little nutrition instinct anymore. I still have a constant craving for sugar and have no automatic stop, or instinct that I just finished a big Snickers bar 15 minutes ago. I try to substitute, distract, remember, but it’s mostly an intellectual exercise.

 

Thinking and memory are better but not right. Again, for the 1^st time in 3 years, I feel that my thinking is sharp and that my memory has returned but, even though it feels good, it’s really not completely back. I leave doors open, lights on, appointments are missed. I’ve been covering for a while that I don’t necessarily know the day of the week. I feel solid that I can remember things – until I go to retrieve them and I’m left hanging. I’ve been told a number of times – “boy, your memory really is bad – how can you not remember that?” (Of course, I’m starting to admit more, during conversations) But I do believe that, finally, I know the day of the week (although that doesn’t stop my little, daily, personal test.) [And I must just add – at my mother’s - believe me, I take extensive notes]

 

Neuropathy, I think, has gone – it’s only if I go looking for the tingling that I feel it – face, thighs, buttocks, back and arms – and it’s at a “who cares?” level. What I have developed, maybe in the last 6 months, is that the knuckles on my both my hands and both feet, going 2 joints in, almost burn a bit – and f I make a fist I feel my knuckles as a little sore. I never felt my knuckles before. But this, again, only bothers me if I start speculating about arthritis. Who knows?

 

Tinnitus (audio distortion) is gone.

 

Mornings are still pessimistic, but I’m no longer “lost” which is huge.

 

I hope that I can get some drive back – do people catch a 2^nd or 3^rd wind? I’m hoping that I’m just tired right now. Do you have any thoughts? 

[Altostrata]

Have you found any of the sleep tips to be helpful?

 

I recently discovered that taking a good digestive enzyme before bed helps me sleep better, such as Enzymedica Digest Gold. I don't know how it works, but it does.

[Heart]

Alto,

 

I had tried sleeping with an eye mask, Omega-3 supplements and magnesium (powdered Calm drinks). I didn’t have much luck with the first 2, but I did feel the Calm takes the edge off. (Funny, I’d forgotten, I’ll have to go back to that). What has really helped, is knowing that I’m not alone – seeing others describe similar and/or completely different problems – seeing people struggle and, while struggling, express empathy and kindness to others. If there’s one powerful tool that works for me, it’s listening to calming or inspiring music and gentle voices. It works like a drug. (should I even say that here? J ) And, that reminds me, I should find that whisper link again – I found it very calming.

 

I’ll look up that enzyme. In the meantime, thanks for reminding me of what works. 

[Altostrata]

You may wish to put Calm in some cold water and sip it throughout the day.