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YetAnotherAtom: Writer, Mental Health Advocate, Two Years Out From Drug Withdrawal


YetAnotherAtom

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Greetings everyone!  :D

 

I have been searching for groups that allow me to speak out about not taking psychiatric drugs without being bullied or called a Scientologist.  :unsure: Which I am not. (However the documentaries produced by Citizen's Commission on Human Rights. CCHR) I did my research on the internet on how to come off medications alone. There are few scary documentaries on the dangers of psychiatry that scared me to death, so I became my own doctor and made a choice to live with my "bi polar" symptoms.

 

I have heard that it can take up to four years to completely withdrawal from these drugs, which I took for 10 years. It's been two years but I still have withdrawal symptoms as I learn to deal with my own extreme emotional states. Which often are environmental, not mental illness. I actually question labeling people. I don't live my diagnoses. I don't believe things like grief, child abuse issues, general depression are mental illnesses. Humans have lived with suffering since the beginning of time. I'm frightened of the control psychiatrists have over our feelings. Sometimes, there are people who have special gifts and their emotions are the way some of us stay creative. Spiritual. Awake.

 

I don't believe in pushing down normal emotions with drugs that deadened me. Took away my creativity as well as my career, my family and my connection to the power greater than myself.

 

I'm also appalled at the fact that little children are now given dangerous drugs with suicidal side effects. There is great profit to be made by pharmaceutical companies to now cross market drugs that were once used for schizophrenia, that is now given for even general depression.

 

I'm also horrified by the advertising of these medications on TV.

 

I also question why a drug manufacture and FDA would approve drugs in such a fast manner. Many drugs were once tested for years. Now medications are being developed and approved in weeks! Why can't they make a drug that does NOT have such horrific side effects, like suicide. If someone is already suicidal,  why would a doctor give a patient something that actually makes it worse? It's pure insanity.

 

I realize some people are helped by drugs, but there are many people taking them that don't need them. I was given my first anti depressant in 92 for post partum depression by my OB/GYN. That is a normal condition that eventually goes away. Prozac was new on the market and I'm sure my doc had some drug rep sell him on the idea. The truth of the matter that doctor told me I would have to take them all my life, when in fact after a few months, post partum goes away.  He also never told me of the side effects, which is the law now. It's called Informed Consent. A doctor must tell the patient of the dangerous side effects and the should be allowed to say no. It's criminal. Anti depressants changed my personality and never really helped my depression. I ended up divorcing a wonderful husband, and became someone I didn't want to be.

 

While living in Seattle, I had been given too much thyroid medication that made me go slightly manic. This was in 03. At the ER, a doctor in five minutes took my symptoms and my history of depression and immediately labeled me. I believed the hype. I never felt right on the meds. Never. My partner, my family encouraged me to keep talking them as they saw how sick I was on them, when the real sickness was that I was allergic to drugs for schizophrenia and it caused horrible suffering and a change of personality. I was suicidal feeling all the time, I sleep for 14 hours a day on these drugs and lost my career. My home. My partner. Most of my family. I stopped writing and I'm that was my passion. It also did not allow me to feel my spiritual self. I once had a doctor ask me if I heard voices. I said, "I talk to myself in my mind as I am always writing dialog for screenplay then added, "I also hear Jesus' voice" just to push his button to see what he would say. He called me delusional and forced me on the most dangerous drug I ever took, Risperdal. I told him I could not take it, He gave me no Informed Consent and was told that if I did not take it, I would have to go to court to get out of psych ward.

 

In fact, I ended up in the psych ward when I went to the ER for a chronic bladder condition I suffer with. While under morphine in the ER, they ask me questions about my mental health history and my writing, (Which I write Sci Fi stories) I woke up two hours later lock involuntarily into their stress center. I was distraught. No one addressed my bladder and was immediately shot up with Haldol. I continued to ask staff why I was there. I must have said something under the influence of morphine and they stigmatized me. I could not get out. I was forced on the meds after I had withdrawaled already for a year. No legal representation. A nurse kindly told me to take the pill for two days so I could just get out. I had been taken to court twice in ten years to get out of a psych facility which I voluntarily entered.

 

I also tried to obtain my psych records for my screenplay on why I was involuntarily committed last summer and said I was not allowed to have them. Does anyone know this. You are not allowed to get your own psych records. The doctor who was to approve it was the very doctor that forced me on the drugs that almost took my life. The Indiana Attorney General's Office finally decided to take my case and I'm currently waiting to see if I can get my records because I need to know why I was committed when I went in for Interstitial Cystitis. I told them I would not sue, but the case has become bigger than that. Not only was a wrongly committed while under heavy drugs, I also was never treated for my IC. I was also not given the required "Informed Consent" which is my right to refuse drugs that would cause me harm.

 

I'm now suffer from horrible memories of being restrained, being mistreated in a psych ER, and once jailed by partner when I was withdrawling from the drugs.

 

The key point is. That when you come off these drugs cold turkey, which i had to because no doctor would support me coming off, at first you feel wonderful. I felt I could think again. I wrote like crazy and had wonderful days even though I lived on disability. It was my 20 year old son that said, Mom, maybe your problems ARE the drugs because you don't seem like yourself. So when the withdrawals comes and they were scary like LSD trips, I would make a mistake and go to an ER and say I'm withdrawaling from drugs that I'm allergic too. They never believed this. I was always told, "No, your in crisis BECAUSE you aren't taking the drugs." Do you see the insane circle in this? Psychiatry is very biased. If only I had had a a good alternative doctor who realized that the pills were the problem. But I had bad psychiatric treatment and was always coerced to go back into hospital and start drugs. This went on for four years. I would try to stop and they would put me back on and I would have to start over.

 

THE PAIN WAS IN THE PILL.

 

I did successfully come off and eventually I began to feel joy. I would walk to the park and watch Orcas. I volunteered at two jobs and began writing my book again. It was like feeling happy for the first time in 10 years. Sadly, I had to leave Seattle as my son was going to be a Father and I could not stay in a town that was paradise but scared me. All the trauma and horror stories I have would blow your mind. So I left nature, my real medicine and moved back to the midwest where now I"m lonlier than ever in this backwards town I left years ago. There is no alternative medication I can afford, nor is medical marijuana legal here which is what helps my depression almost completely disappear. I'm blessed I have disablilty and a small part time job. But I suffer still. Sometimes from stigma. Sometimes from family members that refused to believe that I withdrawal symptoms and possible brain damage and PTSD from taking the meds. My mother is cruel and always tells me you need pills. It enrages me. She takes anti depressants and feels nothing which is why she is so cruel and unsupporting.

 

I lost the love of my life three years ago. I live alone in a dumpy section 8 apartment now. Just two busy good friends, but no love, no understanding, no hope sometimes  that my story might be published someday to help others like myself. I can't really find a quality therapist that is not attached to a shrink or if I find one, they are too expensive for my budget. It's a sad circle. My tools in Seattle, was going for walks in nature, attending festivals, my Buddhist practice and friends.

 

I have been back two years and I now wake up everyday from nightmares, in tears that I'm here. In tears from memories of psych wards and how these drugs might have permanently damage my brain. I have read that some of these drugs actually shrink your brain. And it can also take up to four years to get back to "normal" after taking them for ten years. I literally don't remember how to handle my emotions because I was a walking zombie on meds. I felt nothing. Nothing.

 

I gained 75 pounds in two years on Serequel alone and almost had diabetes. Family doctors never wanted to help either.

 

I'm proud of myself.  I loved myself never to kill myself because I could not do that to my son. But recently his psychotic teenage girlfriend has taken my grandson away from me after she found out I had been in a psych ward long ago. :unsure: My son watched in horror as she abused me. She is 18. I'm 51. He understands me, but has no ability to defend me at this point. Everyone in my family although they think I'm a hot mess, all agreed what an incredible Grandmother I was as I watched the infant four days a week. He was my blessing. He helped me forget all my psychic pain when he entered the house. It was like taking care of my inner child. Horrifically, my 21 year old son is on my side but scared of this girl and wants to keep the peace for the child's sake, but in the end, she won't allow him  here anymore. Ironically, she is more bi polar than I and is abused child so I understand and forgive her. I thought this baby was my gift after years of hell. Now that I hardly see him, I wonder why I came back to Indiana. I struggle with my faith sometimes as things don't seem  to get better, but worse. It's all environmental, it's not a mental illness when you are bullied by people.  :(

 

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I have done great work on myself and feel I love myself despite the shame of allowing these doctors to label me and make me believe my gifts were disease. I'm so lonely. I wish I could finally find a partner whom I adore who accepts my past and my ongoing sadness. It's very hard to be in crisis when there is no one there for you. No one to just hug you or bring you tea and say "darling, this won't last long, just breath."

 

I love music, especially Pearl Jam. Music and writing is the way I cope now with my emotions. There are times I'm tempted to start drugs again and realize, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different outcome. I believe I am bless and all  of this happened to me for a reason. My soul purpose in life is to help others, spread the word, and maybe someday a producer will approach me to make a documentary or film telling my story and giving other hope too.

 

It's one day at a time.  Please no bullies. I get so scared when I speak  my story. I have been bullied and treated so bad by other bi polars that take meds when I tell my story. I was even banned from dailystrength.com after being on there for 8 years when I tried to tell my story about how the drugs almost killed me and there are other more healthy ways to live without meds. It's sad, people on meds I have found to be the meanest, whiniest and unhappy people I have ever met. Some forums are nothing more than numerous people talking about changing their drugs or increasing their does and seeing their "pdocs" which is a word they use all the time which drives me crazy. If the drugs are working, why are these people still so unhappy? They let one doctor who talks to you for five minutes tell you what you are. It's start to what we are not. We are not our lable. We are  humans that feel deeply. I'm neuroscience will find a new way to help people who suffer with illness and that the profits made off these drugs and the killing of people and children due to side effects can be seen as what it is. Profits and long term customers.  And the stigma society puts on us is just horrific.

 

There is hope. This forum is proof of that. I just wish I could really know what is going on in my brain now. How long will these panic attacks and feelings of doom stay? 

 

Until then, I continue a spiritual practice. Try to live one day at a time and reach out for others who understand.

 

I have an interesting blog about all kinds of things, but there are some stories about my mental health history and horrors. Please see my profile for link.

 

Sorry this was so long, but as a writer I tend to go on and on. :lol: 

 

And well it's a sign of wellness, since when I was on drugs I would not have even been able to write one sentence.

 

Namaste and blessings to you all.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

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I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Welcome to the forum, YetAnotherAtom, and thank you for sharing your history with us. You'll find that a lot of our members have been through horrifying experiences similar to yours.

 

Since you've been off of psychiatric drugs for two years, I certainly wouldn't recommend going back on any of them. Sometimes, when a person has just gotten off psychiatric drugs (within a month or so), it helps to reinstate a small amount and taper off very slowly, but in your case that would be a big gamble.  Instead I'd recommend that you browse our section on Symptoms and self-care where you'll find a host of non-drug ways to help ease withdrawal symptoms.

 

You'll find lots of good information and friendly support here.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Please contact my inbox / we share a lot in common about being drugged. Mine was effexor, also love Eddie vedder! Pharmaceuticals are game changers..I am about 20 months off a full dose of effexor that I was on for 6-7yrs. Traumatized / but in recovery :)

 

Email me or contact me on here. Wondering if you have fb, I like a flowing chat.

 

 

 

 

Mr.A

2007-2012started Effexor xr 225mg -150mg- Varied2months of Taper,(March 22/2012 Off Med/in W/D)Currently No medicationMarch 22/2012- August 16/2012 - Totally Off Effexor( Rough Rough time) Reinstatement for a week(didn't work)****** New Doctor******* Very nice/helpful and in touch.Tried Zoloft- No successAUGUST 17/2012- STARTED 37.5 EFFEXOR FOR ONE WEEK - NOT GOOD < STOPPED.Started Buspar Oct 11th 2012----10 mg for the first 7 days and then 15mg a day---- Taking a new route----Racing thoughts - Gone.Oct 9th ( Done Zoloft,wellbutrin week project trial to feel better) - OFFICIALLY OFF ANTI DEPRESSANT !Oct 26 - Raised Buspar to 20mg a day- Tolerating wellJan 2nd 2013-

Reduce Buspar until full off march 20th 2015 Off all medication !

Tried natural supplements to no avail

Gluten/sugar free since december 2013

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi YAA--I am so sorry about all the suffering you have been through. It sounds like it all started with being given that Prozac back in 1992. As you can see from my sig line, I can relate! I didn't get hit as hard as you, though--managed not to be hospitalized except once in 2007 after a suicide attempt (due to meds), and I knew enough about the system by then to know what to say to play the game and get myself out of there. But believe me, you aren't going to find any disagreement here.

 

Again, I am so sorry for all your suffering and all your losses.

If you can get your hands on a copy of Anatomy of an Epidemic by Robert Whitaker I think you might find it very interesting; also Your Drug May Be Your Problem by Peter Breggin.

 

Yes, it can take four years, or even longer, to recover from a cold turkey off multiple psych meds after a long history on them. In fact I am amazed that you even survived that. You are probably stronger, healthier, and smarter than you even realize, to have gotten through that alive and with so little support from outside. And yes, you are probably still recovering. The good news about that is that it will get better and better over time.

 

I'm so sorry you're finding yourself so isolated plus having to deal with peoples' prejudices about your history, especially given that it sounds like that history was all caused by the drugs anyway.

 

I'd suggest you read through the forum and get to know us; you'll find a lot of support here. And read the books I've suggested, if you can; they will give you a lot of support too. As you get to feeling stronger you can gradually rebuild your life. There's a lot of future left for you, and it can be much better than the past 22 years.

 

Oh, and I love Seattle too! As big cities go, anyway, it's pretty decent, pretty liveable. I just wish they had better mass transit, more like Portland. But they're doing some really good things there.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                   1

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi YAA, welcome to surviving antidepressants. You will not get bullied here, we are all in the same boat and

understand each other.  You are a remarkable lady with a great positive attitude and life will get better for you.

I am horrified at the treatment you received at the hands of doctors, t is unforgivable and happens far too often.

There are many of us here who can relate to your story  and suffer PTSD from their experiences with doctors

and drugs. 

 

I'm glad you came here, this is the perfect place for you while suffering from withdrawal, there is a mountain of

information for you to browse through.   

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Thanks everyone for the kind support. The computer is my only friend.

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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  • Administrator

Welcome to our community, YetAnotherAtom!

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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A friend just made me laugh at my own trauma with doctors and meds and side effects by showing me this video.

 

I wanted to share this as sometimes our tragic histories can have dark humor inside that helps us laugh at fear and anger and resentment. 

 

This hysterical commentary on the side effects of medication is quite old but even more relevant today. Who does not know a doctor like this:D

 

Eric Bogosian is the comedian. Take a minute to smile at our challenges.

 

 

Peace to everyone.  ;) 

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

That would be so much funnier if it weren't so true...sigh...

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                   1

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I watched it yesterday and found it amusing, but also disturbing and couldn't figure out why.  I thought that for some reason,  'loss of sense of humor' should have been added to the list of side effects.

 

That would be so much funnier if it weren't so true...sigh...

 

Yup! too close to home for me too.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yes, it was disturbing because I have told this tale many times in tears, but my friend ask if i wanted something to make me laugh and I never get to laugh. It was almost healing to learn to laugh at the pain at least for me caused my psychiatry and meds.

 

I hope it didn't hurt anyone but I heard there is a group of those suffering with mental issues that started a comedy team, so anything to rechanal pain can't be so bad. 

 

Like this video by Robin William's that is  so bitter and funny at the same time, but even back then there was a warning of what could happen to people by pushing emotions down with drugs.

 

 

Peace to everyone.

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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Dealing with so much loneliness while dealing with so much recovery and trauma and nightmares and goodmares that make me want to stay asleep. My life has changed completely since I left Seattle. At least there I had my trees and the water and ferries and Orcas.

 

Here, it's kind like waking up in a softer hell. Alone. I hate going to bed because I imagine I'm laying with my soul mate but he never comes and then I dont' know what my dreams will bring and then I know I have to wake up to the reality of my life. On the good side, my spiritual practice is stronger than it's ever been. I meditate regularly and sometimes my heart feels broken open to all the pain in the world that my stomach burns. 

 

To top it off, I have PMDD which is a kinda highly psychotic feeling before my period. No violent thoughts and actions like when I was on meds, but more like gravity magnifying itself on my depression. So doctor started me on birth control, as if I need it, no ones made love to me in three years, which is another story and when no one touches you, one can feel like a lab monkey in a steal cage, but now these birth control pills have side effects too.....itching everywhere! Why is there a way to send cameras to Mars but they can't make a fraking pill that does not have another problem to fix an original problem. It's always ******* something. I'm have been a grad student, done amazing jobs and had amazing experiences and meet many famous people purely by synchronicity and serendipity. So I see magic, but in seeing that magic I get confused about whether it's God or it's my "untreated bi polar" which I never thought was right because I never have mania, although shrinks said when I'm too happy that's bad. Frak them.

 

Also, as a romance writer I have fallen in love with my muse. He's a real man, an actor you may know who even has conversations with me on twitter sometimes and validates me. He makes me feel not crazy and I secretly wish he would make a film from my blog, and I"m too scared to write to his agent. I realize as a filmmaker you have to caste out your hook to catch anything, but I'm afraid of rejection so I do nothing about the twenty years of storytelling I have. I also don't do it as this man, who seemingly was thrown into my face and I feel in love at first sight is unavailable but seems familiar in a reincarnated way. So all day, I wonder about quantum physics and quantum entanglement, which is about atoms, but can be compared to two lovers who have never met, and yet seperated by long distances, can feel what the other is feeling. I have moments when I think I'm prophetic and dreams that are prophetic and often astral project and have conversations with famous people. I feel like I'm learning that God is bigger and more magical than I thought, but literally, the palms of my hands are cracked and bleeding due to writing down all the trauma I have seen as an advocate for change in mental illness treatment. It's killing me. Twenty years of work...I pray that someone like my muse, who starred in Battlestar Galactica as a hint.  ;) would just show up like a Disney film and send me a letter that says "you have a wonderful story and I know your feelings for me, but that won't stop me from making your filmmaking dreams come true." There has got to be a reason for the last decade of horror and also miracles. I see connections everywhere. Sometimes so excited about them that there is no one to share them with that would believe me or not judge me or celebrate the mystery in it.

 

I don't want to be with just any man. I have been with many. I know the next time I fall in love, I want to see fireworks. I'm afraid that will never happen, maybe in the next life, but mostly now, I'm just afraid to go to bed.

 

To wake up to Groundhogs Day again, nothing happens, nothing goes away and I feel stagnant and lost.

 

To imagine having a dream really come true like finding the one, and falling asleep on his chest at night and feeling pure peace of mind for the first time in my life, sounds like another world.

 

I wish there was a live chat on here.....writing is such a lonely business when you have to wait for a reply.

 

Many blessing to those that read and know that I send my love to you because if you are on here we all share the samething, we aren't really ever alone when we gather with like minds. 

 

Namaste

:D

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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I just wanted to share some good news. I belong to many anti psych drugs groups on Facebook. I was invited to an anonymous 12 step group for Psychiatric Survivors. They meet on google hang out and it's like a virtual 12 step meeting but tailored for our own needs. If you are not taking meds anymore and are looking for support...there is a meeting every night at 8pm EST. If you are interested, message me and I will show you how to join. The only requirement for membership is the willingness to give yourself over to a power greater than yourself whatever that may be.

 

Namaste everyone. 

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

WARNING: Disregard the last post about the 12 step Psychiatric Survivors Anonymous Group on Facebook.  I was in it for two weeks and it triggered so many bad feelings. There were good people in there but the groups are run by people who have no real clean time and no professional psychologist to help. There are so sponsors and it's a free for all mess of toxic stories.

 

The other night I was in great pain from loneliness and there were only four people in the group so they took a great deal of time to try to help but all I got was shame, blame bad advice and suggestions that I rethink my spiritual path. It was two hours of hell and shame. I was pretty catatonic after the meeting and slept the whole next day I was so sad.

 

I reported to administrator of the group that they need a leader who will control other members who start to give too much advice and just dont' allow the member to be with his feelings.

 

They kicked me out today with no explanation. Another abandonment. My heart told me the group was messed up anyway as the sick can no lead the sick and there are no sponsors as in a real 12 step. 

 

I'm very down and can't seem to function the last few days. I can't shower. I'm so alone and can bare to wake up.  Today is my son's birthday but his lives with his fiance's family who dont' like  me because I stopped a shot gun wedding they tried to hold last year when my son was not ready to get married  to his pregnant girlfriend. I can't even go over there to take him a present and he is so controlled by the family it makes my heart hurt I can't help him.

 

I need God to show a miracle today that shows I'm worth even living.

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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  • Administrator

YAA, if you find comfort in a 12-step group, why not go to one regularly in real life? There must be something near you.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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YAA, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.  I can relate to the losses that you related which occurred as a result of being on psych meds.    

 

(I think I may know of the 12-step group you joined.  I was going to as well but perhaps it's just as well now that I didn't get round to it.)

History:- 1993: - prescribed Prozac - soon started having momentary episodes of psychosis - 1994: psychotic breakdown  - prescribed high doses of antipsychotics including Depixol, Chlorpromazine (with procyclidine to control pacing) and later prescribed olanzapine, haloperidol, risperidone with different antidepressants (relapsed or crashed each time I tried to reduce or withdraw from meds).  Can't recall all combinations of drugs have been on.   2007: amisulpride 400mg & venlafaxine 75mg    2013: Got down to 150mg amisulpride, but hospitalised with v.bad psychosis after dropping to this dose and coerced into taking 600mg (always hit problems when dropping below 200mg)  2014: reduced and then problematic symptoms of psychosis, mid-Dec - back up to 200mg,

Feb 2015 had reduced to 180.5mg crashed badly and suddenly and hospitalised : prescribed 300mg amisulpride, 10 mg aripripazole, 50 mg sertraline.  Gradually reduced to 60.75mg amisulpride and 10mg abilify only by Dec 2016.  shortly after 30/1/17 two days paranoia, held and stabilised.  made 2.5% reductions in amisulpride to get to 50mg amisulpride plus 10mg abilify.  Held for long period of time to let CNS stabilise as unable to tolerate any more reductions (from Aug 2017)   April 2018 40mg amisulpride and 10mg abilify.

 

Current Meds: 17.6mg amisulpride, 10mg abilify plus 2000mg metformin for type II diabetes

 

 

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  • 2 years later...

My psychiatrist won't discuss with me my concerns about not wanting Lithium anymore. I have only seen him twice, and all the others have been the same. What do you do if you can't get a script from your shrink to get meds from a compounding pharmacy?

 

 

I took every anti psychotic made for 10 years. The drugs caused hallucinations, suicidal ideation, weight gain, violence, anger & anxiety. I was in & out of many horrific psych wards. I had to withdrawal cold turkey on my own as no doctor would help me. I lived in Seattle & used medical marijuana to help manage horrific panic attacks while coming off. It's been 2 years since I have taken psychiatric drugs. I now have PTSD from psychiatric abuse & torture. I'm a screenwriter, filmmaker & advocate for mental health rights.

 

 

 

 

 

Feel that which is big, near like moons.

That which is tiny, afar as stars.

So, cells in us, just distant villages inside.

me.

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Hi! Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry it's such a hard and lonely road for you. It's so hard when we feel ostracised and misunderstood. The drugs are poison, of that I'm utterly convinced.

 

Reading you speaking about the 12 step programme, my ears pricked up and I thought ohh that might be nice, but alas your next post underlined why it might be a dangerous place for many.

 

When I was in the height of w/d I attended NA. Funnily enough they didn't accept me at all, it was a bit horrific really, I could see how people who were more vulnerable than me could have been led down a more destructive path, people were extremely damaged and not really emotionally safe for a person withdrawing from antidepressants. 

 

I hope things improve greatly for you OP xxxmollyn

 

Drug history

  • 20mg paxil in 2001 - 4 months use  
  • 20mg paxil in 2003 - 2 months use 
  • 20mg paxil in 2008 - 8 years continuous

Withdrawal history:

  • March 2014 - disastrous alternate day taper
  • Jan 2015 - 15mg to 10mg. Disaster
  • Sept 2015 -  10mg to 5mg. Disaster. Reinstated to 6mg. Relief
  • Oct 2015 - started slow 10% taper 
  • Oct 2016 - at 4mg- stop taking paxil (not recommended)

 

I'm not a medical professional. Seek advice from a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

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  • Administrator

YAA, you must know a great deal now about tapering lithium.

 

See Tips for tapering off lithium

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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