clarabella79: My Introduction

[clarabella79]

Hi Alto, thanks for the link! I felt sure you could make it because I'd heard of people making "Cranzac", etc. I don't think I'm going to go down that road now, though. I feel the risk of not tolerating the drug is too great a risk to take. I don't want to rock the boat right now.

 

Re the 10% method: I'm not sure. I'll ask her the next time I have an appointment. I tend not to see a doctor unless I absolutely have to. I do this for 2 reasons: firstly, I consider the experiences and knowledge shared on this website + the words of Dr. David Healy to be vastly more valuable than anything a GP can tell me, and secondly, our NHS is overloaded with patients who make appointments when they possibly don't need to (this is because our healthcare system is free at point of access, which is a bit of a mixed curse and blessing sometimes). I don't want to add to the burden when I'm possibly not going to get anything out of it, either (other than the suggestion to try Sertraline or Citalopram, which I don't want to do).  

[clarabella79]

Bit of an update ... I reduced to 8.5mg a week ago and I'm feeling ok. We're experiencing a cold, windy and rainy start to the month where I am, otherwise I might feel a bit better. Going out for a walk or a run or to the gym tends to give me a bit of a boost. Fortunately, I'm not at work today and I've already done my grocery shopping, so there's no need to go out in it. The main symptoms I'm experiencing are tiredness/fatigue, occasional aches and twinges and sound sensitivity. I'm finding the noises created when placing the dishes into the sink to wash, children screaming, passing trains, etc, incredibly jarring. I keep saying "Loud Noises!" a la Anchorman. 

 

I belong to a group on Facebook called "Paxil, Paroxetine Seroxat .. The truth in getting off", which is a great community/ resource for those withdrawing from Paroxetine. One of the things I've noticed is that a lot of the group members are suffering greatly in their quest to rid themselves of the drug. There's a lot of talk of head zaps, anxiety, panic, insomnia, etc. I'm not experiencing any of this (except for anxiety when I visit supermarkets and other large shops, but this is an age old problem for me and one that has been exacerbated by my increased sensitivity to loud noises) so I'm hoping this means I'm withdrawing at a pace that's ok for me. I'm slightly concerned I've been going too fast, but it's a hard one to gauge sometimes. I'd like to get to 6.5mg by mid September and hold there for a while, but as always, I'm going to listen to my body to decide what's best for me.

 

Clare.x

[clarabella79]

Just a quick update. Things have been going incredibly well, so I think I've got the pace right in terms of tapering. Touch wood, I haven't experienced any worsening of symptoms since I last updated this thread, hence the 2 month gap in updates. In that time, as well as going to work, I've been on a relaxing holiday to Ibiza for 8 days, camping in the Peak District close to where I live, done lots of walking and trail running and completed a 24.5 mile mountain hike for charity (the Yorkshire 3 Peaks Challenge). Keeping active has been my saviour and I'm extremely thankful for my continued good health

[LoveandLight]

Yay! Great.

[clarabella79]

Cheers LoveandLight  It means a lot to get any sort of encouragement re my progress with getting off this horrid drug. From your signature, it sounds like you've really been through the mill with meds and withdrawal. I will have to read through your thread and follow your progress.

 

I feel guilty about not contributing more support to this wonderful resource and community. I don't log in for weeks on end and when I do, I feel overwhelmed by all the new content. I'd love to spend hours reading through all the threads and offering words of encouragement. Sadly, paid work, housework, food shopping (we don't have a car so every trip to the supermarket is a bit of a trial) and looking after my physical and mental wellbeing take up much of my time (and if I'm honest, I'm not doing the best job of looking after my mental wellbeing ). 

I think also, it's been plain sailing - comparatively speaking - for me thus far. I've not had much in the way of "waves". I've therefore ploughed on with the job in hand without any hiccups: moving house, training for a charity hike, my day job, etc.

I'm experiencing a bit of a wave at the moment - both physically and psychologically - but I know it'll pass within the next few days, so I'm keeping my chin up. I'm currently taking 7.4mg and hoping to drop to 7mg around 10th August, if I feel ok. If not, I'll hold for longer. After that, I intend to hold for some months before I consider further tapering. Traces of these drugs become trapped within our adipose tissues over months and years of usage. It's our body's method of storing and utilising them (not sure why?! I've read of cases of rapid weight loss resulting in drug toxicity because traces of drug(s) lodged in fatty tissues have leached out faster than is usual and into the blood stream, liver, kidneys, etc). I want to give my body chance to level out at a lower dose for a longer period before I consider going any further.  

 

Symptoms wise, my "wave" has comprised the following:

• Tiredness - feelings of sedation. This feels weirdly paradoxical - I feel more sedated and spaced out now than I did at 20mg!
• Irritability
• Fine motor skill deficit (i.e.: my bloomin' fingers struggle to pick things up, etc)
• Cognitive deficit/mental confusion/forgetfulness - nothing particularly bothersome here (and possibly it's age-related because I am 36 now lol), but I've found myself doing silly things like spraying perfume on my hair instead of my top, forgetting my water bottle when I'm going out for a run because I received a phone call just as I was filling the water bottle up. Also - and again not a biggie - I don't feel as mentally sharp as I'd like to feel.
• Upset stomach
• Nausea
• Lack of libido (this bothers me more than anything, but I'm not panicking yet)

I've also felt a bit off balance today, but nothing like a cold turkey off balance sensation!

 

I know it'll pass - as it does for us all, eventually. I know I'm really lucky compared with what some others are going through/have gone through. I'm surprised I've made it this far at all - never mind in just under 11 months. I'm counting my blessings and sending out positive, healing vibes to everyone on here who's struggling at the moment.xxx

[Orangecat]

Hi Clarabella! I'm also tapering off of Zoloft because I am looking to be pregnant (and of course now realizing I have to postpone that some since tapering safely takes time...). Good to see your posts here. I will follow your lead- and good luck to you! I am having success making small cuts via liquid medication, taking fish oil and magnesium, and trying to sleep well, go for walks, and eventually incorporate in meditation- why does it seem to be lowest on my list of priorities?! Anyway I'm also incensed they there is a wasteland where there should be a hugs amount of information and guidance for women wanting to be pregnant and desiring to get off of their psych meds. It is extremely troubling to me, to say the least. I wish you the very, very best, and I will be following you! Would also love to experience the area where you are based someday- sounds lovely!

[clarabella79]

Hey Orangecat, lovely to meet you! I've just read through your thread and wish you the very best with your taper, too  It sounds like you're doing fairly well during your windows of recovery, in spite of the waves of early morning cortisol and low mood. I've been lucky so far in the sense that I haven't struggled to get a decent night's sleep and I've seldom felt overwhelmed by anxiety/panic. I genuinely think it's due to my love of hiking and running. I'm ridiculously enthusiastic about both of these things: hiking because I find it fun, challenging and meditative; running because of the "runner's high" I feel during and afterwards and the sense of constant improvement in terms of pace/endurance and distance covered. I notice you mention walking too and I just want to say that it's probably equal to meditation in terms of how it can make you feel physically and spiritually, so don't beat yourself up about not practicing meditation (although, to be honest, I'm the same. I also feel bad about not taking the time out to practice meditation). Incidentally, is there any chance you could get to a yoga class? I've just started attending one a few miles from where I live and I'm finding it beneficial as there's a cool down and meditation section at the end of the class. If not, there's always instructional videos on Youtube. 

I'd love to experience where you're based, too! It's definitely the best part of the States as far as I'm concerned  (I've been to St. Petersburgh on the Florida Gulf Coast, which was lovely, but not as culturally and historically fascinating - and pretty - as New England, I'm sure).

[clarabella79]

Just realised that it's a year to the day since I joined this forum and nearly 11 and a half months since I started my taper. I've managed to taper down from 20mg to 6.9mg during that time. My wish is to be completely off by this time in 2017. Hopefully, it's not just a pipe dream  xxx  

[Orangecat]

Hi again! I was using the site via my phone (apparently not at all advised) and I didn't know you had responded! Nice to hear back. Congratulations on a year!! That's huge!!

 

I appreciated your words. Yea, yoga is an excellent idea. Here's my excuse (it's not a great one): wah wah, it's hard to find parking by yoga studios or drive to the studios when I want to practice, which is always a busy time in the Boston traffic. I think the answer is... To just go anyway! I've found one that seems good right by my favorite coffee shop ; ). We will see what happens there.

 

Hiking and running is so good for a person, sounds amazing. I like the idea of thinking of walking as meditation. I think there's something to that. I actually started a two day meditation streak first thing in the morning - that makes it much easier. It's been a good streak so far.

 

Another fun thing- I bought a fiddle leaf fig tree. That has been a good addition.

 

My recent challenge has been how to be patient. Reading people's signatures today I am reminded of how many people have had bad experiences jumping off too quickly or moving too quickly. You seem to be moving at a pretty safe pace. How do you stay patient?! I'm not patient at the moment, and I made a big jump inadvertently or maybe because I was being careless recently, from 39 to 32, and I felt crummy. Think my off day today might still be fallout (I'm back at 37). Have you found the lower you've gotten, the tougher the withdrawal symptoms? I'm nervous about that. I need to update my signature so people know what I've done from June til now. It's been a lot but still feels slow to me apparently!

 

Again congratulations on your year and thanks for the support- and keep up the good work trailblazing!

[clarabella79]

Thought I'd better check in to update my thread as it's been 2 months since I last visited this site. The good news is that I'm now pregnant (just over 8 wks, so I've hardly told anybody at this stage), the bad news is that I'm in the throes of 24/7 morning sickness and I'm trying not to mentally torture myself over the possible adverse effects of the small amount of Paroxetine I'm taking on my unborn child. My GP, who's been practising since the mid '90's, is as clued up as can be expected when it comes to SSRIs, seems to think the dose I was taking at point of conception - 6.8mg - won't be a factor, but obviously this is a completely unknown quantity until I have my 20 week scan, as my 12 week scan will only show so much. I'm trying not to panic, as what's done's done now and all I can focus on is continuing to reduce in the healthiest way possible. I didn't expect to conceive straight away at 36 years old. I thought it'd take months - hence starting to try before I was completely off the medication.

 

Since getting the positive result just over 4 weeks ago, I've reduced a little faster than in previous weeks so I'm now down to 5.7mg. I'm seeing the midwife for the first time tomorrow, so I'll discuss my concerns with her. I'm hoping she won't suggest switching to a different medication, as I think that'd be - at best - the lesser of 2 evils and the object of the exercise is to get off the medication altogether, not become dependent upon another one. Besides, unless she recommends 5.7mg liquid Prozac - which may or may not be an ok substitution for my body/brain - I'm going to be in a more (potentially) hazardous position than before, surely?

 

Anyway, I can't dwell too much on it, because that's not healthy either. So far - touchwood - I've felt ok emotionally. I've shed a few happy tears and my dreams have been a lot more vivid since I conceived. I've also had a lot of joyful childhood memories re-enter my consciousness  Physically, I've felt and looked pretty wretched some days - tired, bloated, spotty and pallid. Other days, my energy levels have been higher and I've not recoiled in horror when I've looked in the mirror  The morning sickness has been pretty darn evil (so much so, I don't think I've gained an ounce so far. My appetite's been pretty poor most days), but I'm staying well hydrated and I'm mainly sick when there's nothing in my stomach. I'll just have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks till I have my scan, but all seems to be ok so far.  ​

[Orangecat]

Congratulations!! Bella, I would try not to worry too much about the medicine exposure to the fetus. So many women as you know are pregnant on a much higher dose all the way through pregnancy, thinking nothing of it! You have been so responsible about the baby and will continue to be. Try not to give into guilt if you can help it. You've managed all this so well! The odds are everything will be more than fine.

 

You recommended yoga to me, which I still need to explore again- I'm recommending acupuncture! Have you tried it? I'm doing what's called community acupuncture, much more affordable than individual practice, and it feels like I have a connection to the other people in the room. Good for managing pregnancy issues I read.

 

Sorry to hear about the morning sickness. Hope it calms down after a while. I am not looking forward to feeling unattractive with the inevitable changes of pregnancy, I know they are just part of the process, but I bet you look beautiful to everyone but yourself at those times! Keep up the good work!!

[clarabella79]

Aw, thank you so much, Orangecat  I can't believe it's been 10 weeks since I last checked in here. I don't know where the time's gone! I hope you're ok? ​

 

I'm now 18wks + 2 days pregnant and finally starting to see the beginnings of my bump, so might need to invest in some maternity jeans after Christmas. I've managed to get away with my usual skinny jeans up until now (the bloating I was experiencing earlier on didn't last long, fortunately), so I've been very lucky. I've also reduced my medication at least a couple of times since my last post, so I'm now taking 4.4mg. The hospital consultant who I saw after my 12 week scan wasn't particularly concerned about the Paroxetine - with it being at such a low dose. He asked about my historic use of the drug/attempts at tapering and acknowledged that people seem to struggle the most with the last few mgs. He said he would only need to see me once more - immediately after my next scan - and I should be ok with midwife led care for the rest of my pregnancy, so I'm hoping he's right!  Obviously, I won't know for certain if everything's ok with baby till after s/he is born, but I'll have a better idea of how things are on 7th January (my gender/anomaly scan at 20wks +5 days) as the sonographer can have a good look at the chambers of the heart and the developing brain.  

 

Thank you again for your well wishes - the morning sickness peaked at 12 and a half weeks and I started to eat more normally again 2 weeks after that. My taste buds are still acting a bit strange, but my appetite's back to normal. It's just indigestion, increased visits to the loo (goodness knows what my bladder's going to be like later on!) backache and a bit of round ligament pain I'm having to contend with at the moment, but it's all good fun. You have all this to come, but it's definitely going to be worth it for you

​

[clarabella79]

Thought I'd check in here again. Didn't realise it'd been over 3 months since my last post!

 

Well, I'm now 32 weeks +3 days pregnant, so not got long left till baby arrives (8 weeks or thereabouts). Sadly, things started to go a bit awry with my mood at 25 weeks pregnant and unfortunately, this is a problem that hasn't entirely abated

To cut a long story short, I had to increase my medication back up to 5mg on 11th Feb. I'd started to feel really low and anxious the previous week and reached crisis point. I wasn't suicidal, but I was experiencing panic/severe waves of anxiety and low mood, which is obviously not good in pregnancy. I ended up being signed off work for 2 weeks (I hadn't had any time off since October 2012 and prior to that, 2008) and had a perinatal mental health referral done by my midwife. The Perinatal Mental Health Team didn't accept me - probably because I wasn't suicidal or experiencing psychosis - but the midwife said that's probably a good thing. I have, over, been referred under the care of a hospital consultant, so I'll be spending at lease 24 hours post-partum in hospital so that baby and I can be carefully monitored.

The increase in medication from 4.4mg to 5mg did initially provide a boost (after 4 days or so), but it was short-lived. Since then, I've experienced the classic windows and waves pattern of withdrawal/being on a very low dose. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormone related, or delayed withdrawal effects (bearing in mind I was only taking 6.8mg at the end of August 2015 and had further reduced this to 5.7mg by about 2-3 months later, so I hadn't exactly tapered rapidly). I'm inclined to think it's a combination of things: pregnancy hormones, first time parent anxieties and adjusting to being on a very low dose of medication after 19 years of being emotionally "numbed" to a certain extent. The windows of feeling better enable me to focus on the good and think "this too shall pass" and "I'm going through an healing process".

I'm trying to be a lot kinder to myself, by listening to a pregnancy relaxation CD, going swimming and to pregnancy yoga and focusing on positive affirmations (I do a lot of scrolling through Instagram!). Spending time with others is also helpful. Sometimes, having to put a brave face on things helps a lot. I find going to work therapeutic in that respect (my manager knows about the issues I've been experiencing and is supportive) as I work in a customer facing role and tending to other peoples' needs helps me to feel happy and fulfilled. The best thing, though, is when I'm able to have a good cry about things. I used to go months without crying and this wasn't healthy as someone whose base line is "sensitive crier". I'm now able to cry most days and it provides a massive, very much needed release  

I'm not sure what I'll do post-pregnancy. The plan is to stay at 5mg until I'm fully stabilised. I don't care if that takes 2+ years. I think about doing the Prozac switch sometimes, but then I remember that my priority for the future is providing a stable, loving environment for my unborn son and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

[Orangecat]

A son! Congratulations!! You sound like you are doing exactly the right thing, and being very careful about it. I'm glad there is a support system in place for you, even if it is a bit strange, as these systems so often are- no Perinatal Mental Health support until mom is suicidal? Arg. This makes no sense. 

 

You are still on a very low dose, and you have some good tools at your disposal, of which crying is one. I've been enjoying crying more, too. Good for you, again. 

 

I have found I've gone completely happy since stopping my Mirena IUD, which has made my taper so much easier. The Mirena was giving me low doses of artificial progesterone. I'm wondering if pregnancy progesterone will give me that familiar brittle mood and excruciating taper I experienced on the Mirena. It was not easy, and I do not envy you that mood. But this will be over soon enough, and you will be a wonderful mother. Of that I am sure. 

 

My life saving things have included acupuncture, which my therapist first mentioned to me as something proven in studies to help depressed mood in pregnant mothers. I go to a community acupuncture clinic, which is cheerful and cheap, and I adore my doc there. I see pregnant women getting needled every so often. I'd definitely recommend it to you. I sleep better, I am so much more relaxed, and there is a healing effect of being around the other patients and knowing we all have our woes. I also get a boost out of magnesium and fish oil. A lot of fish oils aren't necessarily stored properly, so you have to make sure you get a high quality one that hasn't gone bad and therefore won't work. This past winter, I started taking light therapy more seriously and used a Daylight lamp by Carex, much more religiously than I ever did before, and it actually made a huge difference. 

 

Worries about being a good mom are without a doubt going to happen to the best of us, but you sound like you've examined your life inside and out for a long time. That's the strongest thing you have going for you, something most people can't say they've done. It's what allows trauma to stop at one generation and free the following generation from that dysfunction. I read a good book last winter (while having tough tapering symptoms and angry at my parents more than ever), by a Brit! Called Becoming Attached. A bit of a slog but some fascinating reading. You and your son are gonna be okay. More than okay. 

 

Hope to join the ranks of the pregnant sometime this spring or summer. Slowly tapering off my teeny little bit of Zoloft. Can't believe I've made it this far and feeling better than ever... I'd advise you against a Mirena IUD and maybe against hormonal birth control if you can help it. It was definitely making my issue worse, and I'm not the only one who's had that experience. In many ways it was amazing but I don't know if I'll be able to go there again. I've been using FAM with success although it's a hassle in a way. There's also LadyComp and Daisy. 

 

I'll check in again later to see an update. Sorry I caught this post so late!

 

All best to you.