success myndfull: Prozac to Paxil to Wellbutrin and Prozac to Celexa

[myndfull]

One Month Update:  Today it's been one month since I took my last dose of Celexa/Citalopram. I'm healing.

 

The first week off I had the usual cycling of headaches, insomnia, bowel issues, anhedonia, brain fog, etc. All were expected, though nothing as bad as what I've had before, or what I feared might happen. 

 

I'm beginning to feel very positive about having tapered off this drug; I've had my doubts over the years.

 

I feel a lot better already and I expect to get even better, so I'm beginning to count my chickens. Don't want to sound too positive, but things look good for me going forward.

 

I did have a few moments of intense anxiety. One night I thought that I might need my wife to take me to the local hospital--for what exactly I couldn't tell you, but I felt I might just spiral out of control. That has never happened to me--"spiraled out of control"--but the fear of it has come many times. That panic was similar to what I felt at the very beginning of my taper when I didn't know what I was doing and dropped too quickly. These recent short episodes of panic went away quickly and I returned to my new--and developing--normal.

 

My anhedonia has been present (it's present right now) but it's much less of an issue. What I've noticed is that it now has a low ceiling. When it comes I don't get the negative feelings about everything or anything at anytime and for any reason--that sort of sh*t. Those bad feelings have been a constant malaise, tainting everything I've experienced in the three years and eight months of my taper. Lately,  when I slip into depression I can actually feel my body fighting it; my shoulders rise, and then fall; my mood darkens, then lightens. It's as though my CNS is stepping in and swinging me back to center.

 

Though I'm not "cured" by any means I now feel that I'm getting better, faster. I'm more positive. More hopeful.

 

But! About two weeks ago I was hit with a bad cold. Very sinus heavy, like a sinus infection. I've had the Paxil flu so I know how WD can mimic other illnesses. I don't really know if I had a cold these past two weeks or not (my wife and son didn't get sick, so there's that). There were no aches and pains, no fever. It was mostly in the sinuses with clear phlegm. Lots of blowing my nose. Some  uncomfortable nights. Lots of Advil for the pain in the sinuses. (Was it a sinus infection? But I had no signs of infection....) What I had was just a head cold. I guess. I don't know what it was. Right now I'm calling it the Post-Celexa Cold. It's close to being gone now. I have to cough and clear my chest once an hour or so, but all the other symptoms have gone.

 

Since the cold has lifted I've been feeling pretty good. I'm getting ready to leave for a three-day trip to the Sierra, trout fishing and camping. Cleaning out my fishing tackle box I found my last fishing license, dated 2003. Been a long time since I've done this sort of thing. 

 

Right now I have a very low-level headache, but nothing to bother about. The last few nights I've slept pretty well. My wife was up and out of bed before me this morning and that rarely happens. Got up at 7:30 a.m. Slept in!

 

Feeling well all things considered. Will check in again in about a month.

[ChessieCat]

Congatulations!  I bet it feels strange not taking the drug every day after all that time.

 

Brassmonkey has written about post 0 here:  

 

[myndfull]

33 minutes ago, ChessieCat said:

Congatulations!  I bet it feels strange not taking the drug every day after all that time.

 

 

Thanks! ChessieCat. 

 

If "strange" is good, then yeah, I'm feelin' strange. Now, in the morning when I open the cupboard in the kitchen where I still keep my Celexa bottle, and I see my lonely red bottle of doom tucked off in a distant corner, I smile inwardly at it and say something like, "Thought u'd broken my will, didn'ja? Guess again!"

 

It's a good feeling when you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you've made some progress. That makes progress possible. It makes the waves that I have no doubt I'm going to experience that much more easy to bear.

 

I'd read that Brassmonkey material, and probably, over the years, a lot of the posts Brassmonkey draws from (aside from his own post-jump experiences). I'm ready now for the tenth month wave--or whenever it comes. And whatever else. At least now I can say that it's getting better no matter what comes my way. There were times in WD when that sort of confidence was near impossible to find.

[myndfull]

Two Months (eight weeks) Update: Not much to report. I feel like what I imagine a 747 jet engine does after it's turned off. It takes a while to stop spinning, to reach stillness, and to find silence. I'm cycling down. It's a very rhythmic, low-level. The usual WD symptoms come and go, but now they're harder to notice; their emotional tone and "texture" continue to change. I am still a man of many moods. As I write this I have a bit of tinnitus and a mild headache. I'm feeling some mild depression/negativity. And I'm writing at 5:30 a.m., a time I should be in bed, sound asleep (my insomnia has improved lately; every ten days or so I wake at 2:30 a.m. and have to get up; this is one of those mornings).

 

Sometimes lately if you were to ask me what WD I was feeling I'd say I wasn't feeling much at all; so much of it has gone. But then I'll have a moment when I rage about something, an anger wholly inappropriate and out of character for me. And then--as happened yesterday afternoon--I'll have a clearing moment (a window) where I'll have no depression, just me and the world I know, a calm centered moment of recognition of who I can be, and it's in those moments that I see that I still have some way to go. I'm better, but I'm still not at my best. I sense that I have about two years before I can say I'm 100%. That's not bad news. After what I've already been through, a couple years of slowly getting used to normal is not such a bad proposition.

 

I've had some horrible issues with my back lately. I've had a bad back for 35 years (started with a backpacking accident). Every once in a while I get sciatica and I can barely move. This time I went to the doctor; he proscribed some pain meds which I picked up but will not use (I use cannabis for back pain; it works brilliantly and the side effects are usually no problem at all ), and he recommended a "back" class through Kaiser that I'm now taking. And it's helping. Changing my posture and getting down on the floor every day for stretches and exercises have helped a great deal. My back pain isn't the result of WD, but I don't think WD helps it any. I've also got (just for the record) a hellish tendonitis in my right elbow. WD? I don't think so.

 

I've just finished reading Michael Pollan's new book, How to Change Your Mind. If you haven't heard of it, it's about the history, the science, and the therapeutic effects of psychedelics: LSD, psilocybin, etc. I recommend it. I think psychedelics are the anti-depressants of the future. One interesting topic of discussion in the book is on what's called the default mode network (DMN). This part of the brain may be part of what SSRI's damage, and what takes so long to heal. That's my sense of it, anyway. Here's Pollan's glossary definition: [The DMN] is "a set of interacting brain structures first described in 2001 by the Washington University neuroscientist Marcus Raichle. The default mode network, called that because it is most active when the brain is in a resting state, links part of the cerebral cortex with deeper and evolutionarily older structures of the brain involved in emotion and memory. .... Neuroimaging studies suggest that the DMN is involved in such higher-order 'metacognitive' activities as self-reflection, mental projection, time travel, and theory of mind--the ability to attribute mental states to others. Activity in the DMN falls during the psychedelic experiences, and when it falls most precipitously volunteers often report a dissolution of their sense of self."

 

Here's a site with more information:  

 

https://www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2016/may/17/why-psychedelics-could-be-a-new-class-of-antidepressant-psilocybin

[Marmot]

Congratulations on sneaking away from the celexa 🤗. Are the withdrawal symptoms still minimal? Did you end up travelling to that writers conference?

[myndfull]

13 hours ago, Marmot said:

Congratulations on sneaking away from the celexa 🤗. Are the withdrawal symptoms still minimal? Did you end up travelling to that writers conference?

Three Month Update:

 

Hi, Marmot.

 

Yes, the symps are still minimal. I’m cycling down as I like to say. I’ve had some bad days but I’m able while suffering through them to remember that I’m getting better, and that any negative thinking or feeling on my part is lessening in intensity. The worst of this long, long ordeal is over.

 

I did go to the conference and had a wave of insomnia hit me. Struggled to keep my composure at times, and to offer constructive criticism to the other attendees. But I learned a lot and I’m writing more now than I ever have. I have more and more good days. I know them because it’s on those days that I can get a great deal of writing and reading done. 

 

The positive changes are coming more quickly with the drug out of my system. I regret, now, not having jumped off a few months earlier.

 

Today is a good day and I’m looking forward to some excellent sleep and more exercise.

 

And to continued healing.

 

 

[Marmot]

On 8/4/2018 at 2:00 PM, myndfull said:

Three Month Update:

 

Hi, Marmot.

 

Yes, the symps are still minimal. I’m cycling down as I like to say. I’ve had some bad days but I’m able while suffering through them to remember that I’m getting better, and that any negative thinking or feeling on my part is lessening in intensity. The worst of this long, long ordeal is over.

 

I did go to the conference and had a wave of insomnia hit me. Struggled to keep my composure at times, and to offer constructive criticism to the other attendees. But I learned a lot and I’m writing more now than I ever have. I have more and more good days. I know them because it’s on those days that I can get a great deal of writing and reading done. 

 

The positive changes are coming more quickly with the drug out of my system. I regret, now, not having jumped off a few months earlier.

 

Today is a good day and I’m looking forward to some excellent sleep and more exercise.

 

And to continued healing.

 

 

 

Yipee! So great to hear that it's working out .

Thanks

[myndfull]

Fourth Month Update (for the record):

 

I'm in a wave at the moment. Intense ringing in my right ear. Headache that's much worse than the lower-level headaches I've been having over the last six months or so. I've got tendonitis in both elbows; hurts especially at night and seems to have something to do with typing on the computer (I've been doing much less of that). Have brain fog, though less of it and it doesn't last as long. Have had an odd taste sensation in my mouth; a bit metallic. At the moment, it seems to have gone away. The usual anhedonia comes and goes, but garden variety. Insomnia (about five hours of sleep a night) has returned.

 

My current headache may have something to do with being on a fast. I'm writing this on the morning of the second day of a three-day fast. Headaches can be a problem for the first 36 hours. I'm tentatively planning on keeping to a 5:2 fasting schedule after this initial fast. Doing this has little or nothing to do with my withdrawal. Overeating has become my next issue. I do eat a lot better now than I used to but I'm still eating too much. I know that when I eat less I feel better. I've been able to drop my blood pressure and my glucose levels to a healthy range. I'd like to keep them that way. 

 

As I slowly get better, I want to work at trying to live longer. How much and what I eat seems to have a lot to say about that. Withdrawal has taken, or will have taken, about six years of my life. I can't get those years back, but I can try to live as long as I can to try to make up for what I've lost.

 

Still have a strong sense of wanting to leave the house, hole up somewhere and see this thing through alone. That impulse has been strong in me for quite some time. Years. I'm not the most sane and sound person sometimes and being around me can be a burden on my family. So I want to make things easier for them and hit the road. Yet I'm not one who really wants or seeks social isolation, so wanting to leave the house pits me against myself. I generally enjoy being around people and hope to return to a larger social life someday. 

 

When you have the brain fog you lose the ability to empathize with people. Being "teary" as we often are in withdrawal--as I have been lately--is not evidence of empathy. It's evidence of an illness. An inappropriate emotional response to the everyday. For example, I've always liked John McCain the person, though I've abhorred his politics. So why was I crying watching his eulogies on TV? I normally wouldn't have given his death much thought. And why do simple kindnesses reported on the local news elicit my tears? Ridiculous. Not appropriate. 

 

I've had three waves, including the one I'm in now, since jumping off Celexa four months ago. After each one I've felt better; after the last one I sensed that I'd "turned a corner." That sort of happened. I am getting better. Just so slow (there! I've beat that dead horse...the slowness of a slow taper...how many times can one remind one's self of how slow all this happens?). It's always a relief when things settle down. I'm hoping this headache lifts soon and I see the world and myself a bit more clearly.

 

My panic response (to just about everything) has lessened quite a bit.

 

I often wonder who I'll be when all this dust settles. What sort of anxiety I will have? How will I be around people? I don't really remember myself pre-Paxil/Celexa, not reliably anyway. I did have anxiety issues, then. But nothing like what I've experienced in withdrawal. I even had panic attacks once in a great while. Whoever I turn out to be, I know I'll be better.

 

So, optimism pulls me forward (despite my kvetching herein). And! I'm just beginning to notice that the Advil I took a half hour or so ago is kicking in. I see a good week coming up and continued healing.

 

Hope everyone who reads this has a good day--or the best day possible given your circumstances.

 

[myndfull]

Fifth Month Update:

 

I wrote something recently on Happy2Heal's intro page. I'll copy/quote it here and add a little afterward:

 

"I'm still having waves. Their duration is getting shorter and much less intense. They come predictably, fade, then come back morphed into something slightly different. I'm getting insomnia again fairly predictably with heart palps, pins and needles feelings, ringing in the right ear, temperature disregularity, etc., etc. Brain fog is still there, especially in the latter part of the day, but its not as bad. I can read and get other things done now, where I couldn't before.

 

One thing that's changed is the depth of my negative thinking. I can almost see now how my negativity comes on me, creating a wholly different person. I recognize that person as ill and I talk him down, so to speak, away from trains of thought that lead to catastrophizing. 

 

I can see progress and so for me now, when I'm slightly depressed or "buzzed" with anxiety, I can add another complaint: frustration. My being tired of all this is a new kind of "tired." I know I'm getting better, I'm near the finish line, but I'm dog tired. I've ben running a long, long race and though the end is in sight I still have a ways to go. So I keep on truckin' but my shoes are made of lead. Actually, that metaphor doesn't really work. The closer I get to fine, the more energy I have. The frustration of not being 100% makes me want to kick something.

 

On a positive note: there was a moment a few days ago when I was looking down the hall of my house from my perch on the couch and feeling almost 100% me. I couldn't begin to describe it except to say that I was aware of it. I get closer and closer to that person (the finish line) every day."

 

Since writing the above I've been in an extended "window." I don't like using that metaphor. I should just say that I've been feeling better. I can control my worrisome thoughts a lot better now. Mindfulness that I've used before with mixed results, works now every time I stop to use it (almost daily to varying degrees). With this mindfulness I talk myself down or away from paranoia (mild though it is now, it still disrupts my life). I use a mantra inside my head that goes a little something like this, (repeated for minutes on end, with frequent improvisations): " You're okay! You're safe. The weather is fine. There may be rain, and that would be so refreshing. Look forward to it! You're going to be okay. Everything will work out. Nothing is as bad as we think it is." Etc. After about five (and up to twenty) minutes of this I feel better. Back to my perch at the window sill where I see the day as sunny and bright.

 

In other news: My wife and I have had a recent issue come into our lives that's a little scary. But I think I'm handling it pretty well. There's only so much I can do for others. And I know now, at my stage of life (I'm 61) that I can't please everyone. I can please myself. And If I take care of myself I'll be better able to take care of others. 

 

I've been running on the treadmill a lot less lately because I've switched to bike riding. Doing about nine miles a day, but plan to do more. There's a group of riders I may join.

 

See you in a month. Take care of yourself.

[myndfull]

Sixth Month Update:

This morning I have tinnitus in my right ear, and I haven't slept well. The previous night I slept in to nine! My symptoms are now mostly physical. Sometimes my teeth hurt and I have an odd sensation in my mouth, as though the mouth I have is someone's else. Sometimes I have trouble swallowing; it's as though someone has me in a choke hold. I have to stop eating/swallowing/talking and ride it through. Often I have stabbing pains in the muscles of my back, legs, and arms. I have creepy-crawly feelings everywhere, including my scalp. I often feel as though the electrical pulses through the conduits of my nervous system are set to ten out of ten; they run hot and I sweat when I'm not warm. In many ways I'm a basket case.

It's as though physically I'm having a panic attack, though mentally I'm fine. It's no fun.

Overall, though, I'm fine.

My anhedonia is much, much less. The paranoia is going, near gone. Disassociation is mild. There are many times when I feel good, sometimes really good. I'm myself again. I ride my bike quite a lot, doing over twenty miles a day. I want to do a half-century in the spring, so I've set that race as a training goal.

I don't come to this site much anymore, nor do I think about it. I almost didn't sign-in this morning. I was thinking, "What's the point?" Don't have an answer.

I think I'm eventually not going to feel the physical symptoms the way I've described them above. I'm hoping so. If not, I suppose I'll have to admit to myself one day that I have some sort of permanent damage to my CNS and that I'll just have to get used to it ).

Since, overall, I'm much more myself, and since my "self" doesn't like to complain, I think I'll take a bit of a vacation from SA.org. That is, no more monthly updates. Doing this has ceased to be for me. I know that there are at least ten of you reading this each month and I've been doing it for you. You need to be reminded that withdrawal gets better.

But for me, writing on SA.org is much less the coping mechanism that it once was.

If you have a question, though, please ask....

Otherwise, I'll be back when and/or if I have something to report.

I do promise to write a success story. In many ways I'm already a success.

[WantoffVen]

Oh please continue with your monthly updates. I just read your whole story on here. I am currently weaning off Venlafaxine and reading your whole story to the finish line is so helpful to those of us still weaning. I'll look forward to your next month update. Take care. 

[Miracle123]

21 hours ago, myndfull said:

Sixth Month Update:

This morning I have tinnitus in my right ear, and I haven't slept well. The previous night I slept in to nine! My symptoms are now mostly physical. Sometimes my teeth hurt and I have an odd sensation in my mouth, as though the mouth I have is someone's else. Sometimes I have trouble swallowing; it's as though someone has me in a choke hold. I have to stop eating/swallowing/talking and ride it through. Often I have stabbing pains in the muscles of my back, legs, and arms. I have creepy-crawly feelings everywhere, including my scalp. I often feel as though the electrical pulses through the conduits of my nervous system are set to ten out of ten; they run hot and I sweat when I'm not warm. In many ways I'm a basket case.

It's as though physically I'm having a panic attack, though mentally I'm fine. It's no fun.

Overall, though, I'm fine.

My anhedonia is much, much less. The paranoia is going, near gone. Disassociation is mild. There are many times when I feel good, sometimes really good. I'm myself again. I ride my bike quite a lot, doing over twenty miles a day. I want to do a half-century in the spring, so I've set that race as a training goal.

I don't come to this site much anymore, nor do I think about it. I almost didn't sign-in this morning. I was thinking, "What's the point?" Don't have an answer.

I think I'm eventually not going to feel the physical symptoms the way I've described them above. I'm hoping so. If not, I suppose I'll have to admit to myself one day that I have some sort of permanent damage to my CNS and that I'll just have to get used to it ).
 

Hi Myndfull, When i read your monthly updated sound like so familiar of your withdrawals same like as me. Thanks for your monthly input ......to give me hope that im not alone or crazy. Hope your healing getting more improvement and well soon. Take care.

[myndfull]

Hello, WantoffVen and Miracle123. Thank you stopping by. I'm back for a moment.

 

A brief update: I continue to have cycling symptoms of waves and windows. I "see" now how withdrawal works. (This new CNS I'm growing sure takes its time, but then again it's only time that allows it to grow.) I've gotten to the point where, when I'm having some physical pain caused by withdrawal, I just let it ride. In fact, I welcome the pain; I know it will be followed by more healing.

 

I'm trending toward physical and psychological homeostasis. I imagine homeostasis as the point where a pendulum stops, the waves and windows the great back and forth arc of the pendulum that lessen in duration and degree with each subsequent swing. Very slowly, over a long time, the pendulum finds stillness. I have a suspicion total "stillness" is never achieved, that in fact a little "movement" up or down of that pendulum is something quite natural (perturbations!). Homestasis is probably when that pendulum moves noticeably only in a strong wind.

 

Know what I mean?

 

I have a feeling I'm healing fairly quickly. I feel I'm reaping the rewards of a slow taper. Hallelujah to that!

 

Things are going my way.

 

We're all going in that direction together. I hope each day for you, too, is getting better. If you can't see that progression now, in your own day-to-day, one day you will.

[myndfull]

Eighth Month Update: As I write this I have a withdrawal headache, a small one. The ringing in my right ear is there, turned down to three or four from its usual 7 or 8 (out of 10). My sinuses have their own electrical supply and are buzzing, distorting my sense of smell.

 

But, you know, the cycles continue--the cycles of healing--and I'm sure they will continue for quite some time; they'll continue even after I've ceased to be able to notice them.

 

My sleep is slowly getting better. This morning I slept in and woke up with a dream: I was entering the house of a friend of mine from high school. Mrs. Higgins answered her door; she was ancient and her living room had been redesigned/redecorated. Out the back window I could see a golf course over the backyard fence. Etc. There wasn't a golf course over her backyard fence. There had been one over the fence of our house. I liked that discombobulation. Dreams can be a lot of fun and I sense that they're healing in some way. So I like that I'm dreaming more. I wake up with the feeling I had in the dream, one in this case I haven't had in over forty-five years, of going over to a friend's house essentially to ask "Can Mike come out to play?" That's a good feeling.

 

I'm "feeling" a great deal more of the world and I like it. Sometimes when I'm riding my bide I'm a ten year old again. When I was ten I was outside a lot, walking to school and back, out with friends up in the hills turning over rocks looking for snakes. Etc. There were no drugs in my system muting me. My senses took in everything and my CNS handled it all in the most natural of ways.

 

I'm going to be 62 in July. If I'm on my way to a second childhood, bring it on. This June you might find me making sand castles at the beach--without any sunscreen on! I just bought a wah wah pedal for my electric guitar. Always wanted one. I've got to remember not to turn it up so loud.

 

I'm a lot better. During my tapering years I lived every day in a constant state of panic/paranoia. I lived in Negativeland, a state of mental illness. Today, I'm seeing/feeling the world much, much more rationally.

 

My daughter's having a baby in March and my son is going to graduate from college in May, so this looks, all 'round, to be a good year. That, at least, is how I'm seeing it, feeling it. Still, if it isn't as good a year as I hope it will be, it will still be a better year than most of the last twenty-two years on an anti-depressant.

[ChessieCat]

Great to hear that things are progressing well.  And thank you for continuing to update us.  It is much appreciated.

 

And a new grand child, how exciting.

[myndfull]

Ninth Month Update: 

 

Since the first of the year I've been keeping a diary. I thought keeping track of symptoms in a non-narrative format would help now that my WD symptoms are getting so bearable that it's difficult to know when I'm feeling WD and when I'm not.  The effects of WD are now much more subtle.

 

I still get the "aura" symptoms, both with and without headache. Sometimes I actually see bright lights in my eyes. I get a sensitivity to light and sound. I feel pain in my arms--intense pain in my elbows (especially at night and in the morning). My tinnitus increases in volume. My nasal passages feel cold. My teeth feel metallic. Sometimes I get dizzy; it's a loopy feeling of not having my sea legs; if I stand up suddenly I feel I might cantor to the left or right and fall over; in those situations, I quickly sit down. Sometimes these symptoms (and others) lead up to an actual headache, but now mostly it's just a distant whisper of pain, an all-body feeling of tenseness. When I take some cannabis it mostly goes away. (And! I've been noticing lately that meditation has a stronger, more long-lasting effect.)

 

I've been sleeping pretty well for the last three weeks or so, especially since my last wave where I had a night when my physical symps ramped up so much I spent most of the night awake. While I went through that experience, I had a suspicion that I was going to feel significantly better afterward. (I've been having a "strong" wave every six weeks or so since I jumped off Celexa and after each of these waves I've been feeling greater and lengthier periods of calm.) This last wave seems to have opened me up even more to myself; I control my feelings. This greater control has made my symptoms much more bearable; there are times when I don't even notice I'm in withdrawal. And I can easily imagine now a time when I won't be feeling any withdrawal at all.

 

I don't have much anhedonia/brain fog anymore, at least not the kind that made me a couch potato all day. I'm able to get out of the house, exercise, etc. -- lead a pretty normal life. At night I use cannabis judiciously and it works well to take my aches and pains away. Five weeks ago I stopped using it for about three weeks; I had a suspicion I might be using too much and that it was becoming a crutch. As has happened before when I've quit, it was easy. And when I returned to it, it was a welcome friend. I use much less of either CBD or THC now than I did when I was suffering my worst WD symptoms. I'm not sure I'll need it much--if at all--when I'm not feeling WD. We'll see. It's comforting to know that cannabis is there.

 

My daughter's baby is due next month and I should be ready for that. I'm a bit worried about it because the pregnancy was unexpected and my daughter did not taper off her SSRI--Prozac--as she had planned to do when she became pregnant. I'm worried--sometimes very much so--that the baby will be born with withdrawal. That is what has been keeping me up at night. However, I rationalize it: many women have babies while taking an SSRI and the babies are just fine. My daughter is a psych researcher and she isn't worried, or not much so. Since there is nothing I can do about it, I work at hoping for the best. 

 

Next month I'm supposed to have the dreaded tenth month wave. I'll probably have something, but right now I'm going to call it my next "six-weeker wave." I'm not worried. Each time a wave hits its milder than the last and my CNS in its aftermath is less inflamed. I'm calmer, more focused, less reactive after a wave. That pattern is now easy to notice; it wasn't easy to notice when I was still taking Celexa.  

 

One other thing: I've become a vegetarian. I've been headed in that direction for years. Finally decided no more meat. I feel good.

[myndfull]

Tenth Month Update:  A lot can happen in a month.  My daughter had her baby. He was born six weeks early, a preemie. But he's healthy, gaining weight, has a big appetite. A beautiful little boy. My wife and I went up to Portland to help out. I drove up; my wife flew (we live in the San Francisco Bay Area). My wife is still up there and I've returned home to take care of the dogs, etc. I've brought back my daughter's cat, so the menagerie here at home now includes a feline. My son came for the weekend and, though he's allergic, the cat's presence didn't cause any allergy symptoms. The cat may be here a while.

 

Not much to report on my continued cycle of withdrawal. My recovery continues. Today I have what I've started calling the "fingernails scratching a chalkboard" feeling (FSAC): upper and lower teeth on the right side hurt, tinnitus increases, irritableness increases, attention span decreases, stomach upset increases, skin temperature increases, body ache(s) increases, sudden pains occur (often in extremities), brain fog becomes evident.

 

I've had FSAC so often now it's old hat. I don't like it; it can be horrible! But I expect it at least once a week (though it probably happens five to six times a month). The symptoms I get now are relatively mild, though every three to five weeks, FSAC becomes more acute and lasts a bit longer. It's then that I'm feeling a "wave." It doesn't last more than a few days, and afterwards I'm usually better in some way than I was before. It's difficult to name or identify exactly what the change in me is exactly, but it's positive and it does occur.

 

Yesterday I had a bit of anhedonia. I don't suffer that much anymore. When it comes it usually lifts within five hours or so. Cannabis (THC) can help quite a bit if I dose it correctly. 

 

When I get FSAC I also get depersonalization; they go hand-in-hand. But now DP is never very bad. The worst of that feeling is over, I think. More often than not, my personality is back.

 

Folks here in post-jump territory often use a percentage to give readers an idea of where they are in their journey to "normal." I'd say I'm about 80%. I sense that I'll need a couple more years to reach a point where FSAC and the other symps I have will be a thing of the past. Time will heal me; nothing else. The body wants--and so it seeks--homeostasis.

 

Speaking of bodies: A cat body is now climbing all over me, rubbing his cheek on the edge of my computer and meowing constantly. I understand dogs, not cats, but this behavior must have something to do with food.

 

How are you?

[mdwstrx]

Hi Myndful.  Thank you for posting your experience.  I am to begin tapering soon and I have been so concerned about stopping long term AD use after seeing posts about untreatable akathisia in long term users who stop.  Your taper and post zero experience is priceless to someone like me!  Praying all continues to go well for you. 

[myndfull]

Thank you for your good wishes.

 

As to posts about “untreatable akathisia in long-term users who stop,” let me give you my take. When I hear that sort of fear expressed, I see it as withdrawal working it’s spell. But it can be countered.

 

Withdrawal Is fear. The counter to it is hope. Hope gets stronger as we experience healing. What I myself have experienced (altogether I took an SSRI for over twenty years), is that we must always remember while in withdrawal that fear is only something that must pass through us. It is not something that “sticks”. Once it passes it will be over.

 

You’ll know when it’s over when you no longer have fearful thoughts like the one stated above.

 

[mdwstrx]

Thanks.  I want to believe that’s all it is.   However, my fear stems in part,  from a series of articles on MIA and some direct communication with the author, Dr. Shipko.  Dr. Shipko’s says he has patients who are suffering tardive chronic untreatable akathisia from stopping ADs, even after long tapers.  

 

Did if you ever have akathisia/agitation as a wd symptom?

[Cyclone84]

How long have they had the akathisia? Some people take several years to heal, and if they are doing anything to counter their healing, it can take even longer.

[myndfull]

mdwstrx: You ask "Did if you ever have akathisia/agitation as a wd symptom?"

 

Yes. Yes. Yes. Constantly and for quite some time. I still have it now, while I'm in recovery, but to a much, much lesser extent. And the thing I know from experience is that it continues to get better and better and better. Time is the only healer here. 

 

We like to say on SA.org that "we're all different." And we are. There are so many small differences among us that the only thing we can say for sure is that we suffer. The degree of suffering and the rate at which we recover is not predictive. But I'm pretty sure that a positive attitude is what gets us through to the end.

 

What's a positive attitude?  A wish to fight the thing that ails you. A need to keep going no matter what. An abiding interest in exercise. A change in what we eat and how often. A recognition that certain people or places are not "good" for us. A seeking out of pleasurable experiences that feed our emotional lives. Etc. Etc.

 

Also, if you haven't already, look into something called the "nocebo effect."

 

My advice, after having gone through this ordeal for more than four years now, is that if you pay attention to anything here at SA.org, let it be the success stories. I'll be writing one myself in a few months.

[mdwstrx]

In the MIA articles, Dr. Shipko talks about the kind of akithisia that is unbearable and not improving, giving the patients suicide ideation.  I understand the 'nocebo effect' and the power of positive thinking.  Grateful for your writings and wishing you a long, healthy and peaceful recovery.  💜

 

[Cyclone84]

Just to keep things in perspective, he is probably dealing with a handful of people out of the millions that are on psych meds. I'm not saying your fears aren't justified, just that the people he deals with constitute a minute portion of people that have been on and off meds. Also, there is no reason to believe those people he deals with won't see improvements in time.

[myndfull]

Eleventh Month Update: I've been busy being a grandfather; it's put my mind off withdrawal to some extent. Grandson is doing just fine.

 

My cycling down continues; I get many of the same symptoms as usual but they continue to lessen in intensity. At the moment of this post I have a bit of tinnitus, a slight but numbing headache, an uncomfortable ache in my teeth (upper right, as always), and I've had a slight bit of anhedonia this afternoon, though it's lifted now. A bit of brain fog. Crappy memory.

 

Withdrawal lite.

 

I'm sleeping reasonably well. Getting stuff done. Reading a lot, mostly novels.

 

Gave up our cable TV subscription. TV was very helpful during most of my taper, but I don't think I need it it anymore.

 

I'll be back to write a success story sometime in the coming months. At the moment I'm probably about 85% of normal. Give me six months and I think I'll be mostly back to my normal self. 

 

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo for my left wrist (seriously):  The word "Acceptance."

 

Myndfull

[mdwstrx]

Great update full of hope for those of us still tapering!  I can imagine the relief you must have of coming off with almost a year behind you.  🤗  Also, Congratulations on becoming a grandfather!  I’m so happy for you that you can enjoy it without the added stress of ADs.  

 

Question:  Could you have successfully tapered off being single and living alone?

 

I wonder if escitalopram will be more or less difficult than citalopram to taper from and to stop.  🤔

[myndfull]

22 hours ago, mdwstrx said:

Question:  Could you have successfully tapered off being single and living alone?

 

Thank you.

 

To your question: Yes, I could have. I don't like being alone, but during withdrawal being alone has its advantages.

 

One needs a place, not necessarily a person, while in withdrawal. A safe place after work, where the waiting game of withdrawal can take place.

 

My wife helped me get through withdrawal, but my withdrawal put my wife through a lot. I would rather not have put her through any of it. In fact, there were periods when I had to get in the car and go away for a few days. Not for the "aloneness," but so as not to inflict any more hardship on her. Alone, one wouldn't have to worry about withdrawal's effect on a loved one.

 

Also, being alone allows us the luxury of talking aloud to ourselves. When other people are around what we say stretches the truth. We tell them lies about our condition so that we don't scare them too much. We make stuff up. We're less likely to tell ourself lies like these when we're alone (and, too, it's easier to catch ourselves in a lie when we're alone). When we have only ourself to deal with, we tend to face that self honestly. It can be good therapy. Mindfulness. Talking aloud to one's self is difficult to do when living with others (for obvious reasons).

 

Last, there were many days while in withdrawal where I hadn't slept more than four hours the previous night. What I wanted to do during the day after a night of insomnia was to stay in bed and drift in and out of naps. But since I was living with people, I felt I had to live responsibility, and for me that meant I had to be as I functional as I could be. I wanted to show my wife (and son when he was here) that I was okay. Handling it. Capable. (The lies we tell others.) That's what I tried to do for the great majority of my taper: Got up, showered and shaved, and put on my street clothes along with my brave face, and tried to function. There were benefits to doing that. But had I been alone I would most assuredly have taken an easier route by spending my days in bed watching daytime TV. I'd have moved the TV into the bedroom and watched soap operas. Game shows. The Price is Right. I think I would have preferred that hell to the hell that I occasionally caused others.

 

Don't know if this helps. There's definite advantages to going through this solo. And obvious advantages to having someone there to help.

[mdwstrx]

Thank you again for a heartfelt and insightful reply. There’s no significant other  (presently 🙂) so it will be as it is. I did appreciate reading your take as it was presented in a balanced manner. Looking forward to your one year update and wishing you continued healing. 

  

[myndfull]

Last Update:  One year ago today I stopped ingesting the poison called Celexa. It's now been four years and eight months since I started my taper. 

 

In the past month I've cycled emotionally up and down. Each down has helped me turn corners. On the other side of those corners the sun has been generally brighter, the distances to the next corner greater and greater, and the subsequent rides long, smooth and, most importantly, level. Well, a few bumps. Nothing to bother myself or you with.

 

I'll be back to write a success story some time soon.

[shawny]

@myndfull  : that's great news

 

how is ur tinnitus now ?

the last time we spoke u said its goes and comes ?

 

has it gone or its continuous ?

[myndfull]

Tinnitus continues to drop in volume. At the moment the noise level is barely audible (though I’m in a restaurant having breakfast and the ambient noise level is higher than it is at home). When my waning, cycling withdrawal symptoms revamp the tinnitus is still one of the few things that can bother me. But none of the symptoms I now get last for more than a day or and are lessening in severity with each cycle. 

 

I’m hoping that the tinnitus will go away altogether, but i’m almost positive I had the problem well before I ever started taking an SSRI.

 

Hope you’re doing well.

[shawny]

Thanks for your reply , it is certain that post year ear there will be significant impact in our self .

Thanks again , hope u recover sooner ! 

[mdwstrx]

Hi Myndfull. Congrats!!!! on your last post and can't wait to see your success story.

[myndfull]

This is the last entry I'll make in my journal here.

 

I've written a success story. Please look for it in that section of the website.

 

Myndfull

[myndfull]

On July 10, 2019 I ended this journal and wrote a success story in that section of the SA.org forum. I posted an update there yesterday asking a question. Since that section of the website doesn't get much traffic, I'm posting my request here, below. I know this may not be protocol, but there's a practical issue here that I can't otherwise remedy.

 

Here's what I posted in my success story, which you can access here:

 

I'd like to ask a favor of members of this site who live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I'm looking for a therapist, a psychologist, with experience treating patients in withdrawal--either that or someone who is at least aware of the issues that we face. I've found some names in a search here on the forum, and I've searched Google, but what I really want is a rec from someone who has either experienced the care of a good therapist themselves or from someone who has heard of a good therapist who's "woke" to our problems. I'm willing to travel to see this person. I live in the East Bay--think "Berkeley."  Please, either post your rec here or send me a private message. Thank you.

 

Myndfull