☼ Wildflower0214 Effexor WD and PTSD

[westcoast]

Hi JD, you asked if anyone else rapidly moves from one mood or state to the next. I can't says as I even have moods. There has not been a lot of happy or excited moods for me since I crashed last year, in fact.

 

Basically, unless I can focus my mind on something, I feel the agitated/gloom thing most of the time.

However, I think I am still getting better by the week, with no real therapy other than avoiding psych meds.

Have you been getting any sleep this week?
 

[Wildflower0214]

I have taken to using scent free soaps nature clean ...shampoo cleaning products ect

even with them I get reactions I have not found one I don't react to in some way not yet. It does help with the scent sensitivity to not be bombarded daily with smells that make me sick.

Well, then took shower with previous soap and got the nerve burning, like the reaction but without the rash. So who knows. I went to get some super sensitive stuff but don't want to throw anything in the mix right now. But I'm dry and want to put something on!!!

Did u get the burning and rash?

[Wildflower0214]

Hi JD, you asked if anyone else rapidly moves from one mood or state to the next. I can't says as I even have moods. There has not been a lot of happy or excited moods for me since I crashed last year, in fact.

 

Basically, unless I can focus my mind on something, I feel the agitated/gloom thing most of the time.

 

However, I think I am still getting better by the week, with no real therapy other than avoiding psych meds.

 

Have you been getting any sleep this week?

 

Yes, thank God!!!! I just started having reactions to soap and lotion. So, trying to figure that out. But grateful to Jesus to have slept!!!! So, everything else is not that big of a deal.

I'm sorry ur agitated all the time. I've been there. I actually ended up screaming at someone in a McDonalds parking lot. That's not my style. I don't do public scenes, but it happened. You ever want a laugh ask me for a blow by blow on that, will PM ya.

How are u doing otherwise?

[Wildflower0214]

Now sensitive to anything I put in my mouth including food and anything I bathe with or use as lotion.

[Wildflower0214]

So, now that I know a bit more, I'm pretty sure I've been living in DR for about ten months since they screwed with my medicine in Feb. Feels like I'm living in a bad dream that constantly changes. Nothing is familiar, and is tainted with looming dread. Fun times. I need to send my shrink a thank you note.

[westcoast]

well, JD, in addition to faith, you have a sense of humor! I have to get ready for school now but will definitely DM you later on.

I wonder about DR in myself, too. Not strong and not all the time, but I spend a lot of time in negative reverie so powerful that my surroundings vanish and I'm forgetful and neglectful of other things.

 

What's been helping with that, though, is starting DEAL WITH the things that haunt me. In one case I get to report a real estate agent for forging my signature. In another, I am taking a fresh and more promising stab at getting a loan modification. I was unable to tackle these things a year ago, so everything just swam around in my head day and night. Now that I'm a lot better, and handling these things properly, they are losing their power to keep me awake.

It got better for me, and it will for you. It is just so incredibly slow. (The progress.)

In other news, I went for a bike ride for the first time in over a year two days ago, and unloaded 150 cinderblocks from a truck with my handyman yesterday. (He carried two for every one that I carried--they weight 40 pounds each.) That's got to help! I hope you can get some exercise if you aren't already

WC

[Wildflower0214]

well, JD, in addition to faith, you have a sense of humor! I have to get ready for school now but will definitely DM you later on.

 

I wonder about DR in myself, too. Not strong and not all the time, but I spend a lot of time in negative reverie so powerful that my surroundings vanish and I'm forgetful and neglectful of other things.

 

What's been helping with that, though, is starting DEAL WITH the things that haunt me. In one case I get to report a real estate agent for forging my signature. In another, I am taking a fresh and more promising stab at getting a loan modification. I was unable to tackle these things a year ago, so everything just swam around in my head day and night. Now that I'm a lot better, and handling these things properly, they are losing their power to keep me awake.

 

It got better for me, and it will for you. It is just so incredibly slow. (The progress.)

 

In other news, I went for a bike ride for the first time in over a year two days ago, and unloaded 150 cinderblocks from a truck with my handyman yesterday. (He carried two for every one that I carried--they weight 40 pounds each.) That's got to help! I hope you can get some exercise if you aren't already

 

WC

Good for you!!! I'm not exercising, i think it may be too much just yet. Gonna try to start in small increments. I used to be a runner. So I miss it.

 

Yes, you NEED the McDonald's story. It will carry you through the bad days. Funny thing is my mom was a witness and just stared at me like I was a lunatic. Lol ????

[Wildflower0214]

Question for anyone who may have an answer:

 

I thought I had a benzo problem when I went three days without sleep, but then had about five days with broken sleep, then another two with no sleep, then slept one night then another no sleep, and then by grace I actually slept pretty well for a week, and tonight...you guessed it! Not sleeping.

 

This looks more like waves to me then a benzo problem. Right?

 

Just for info, I take .25 Ativan at 5:30 pm and I never ever take extra. Ever!

[Wildflower0214]

So,

I have to write I guess. I'm holding on to brief hours of windows I've had that didn't quite feel normal but felt better.

 

Ever since my sleep went off track several weeks ago, I've had some very strange body sensations that come and go and vary in intensity. Feeling floaty, burning on legs and arms, internal electrical surges and tremors, crawly sensations. Restlessness come and goes in varying intensities. But, I find it difficult to even ride in

the car with my mom becuase of feeling I need to move and anxiety. I can manage to be in my room with a lot of distraction, otherwise, restlessness is there.

I had about a week of decent 4-6 hour a night sleep, then the body sensations came back and sleep has been more of an issue. However, did sleep the last two nights for a few hours, so grateful to God for that.

 

I wake up around 4-5 am with restlessness and anxiety, and generally thoughts of how I may never be able to endure this. After nights with less sleep, it's hard to distract away from thoughts. That's why no matter what, if I sleep I'm grateful, because it's easier to fight negativity if I've slept.

 

I spend hours wondering what will happen to me. The mornings are the worst. Everyone else is still sleeping and I have hours alone to ruminate. I try to distract. Some days it works better than others. I was deep breathing while in prayer which worked well for me for a bit, but doesn't seem to do much when the restlessness kicks in.

 

It seems like when my body goes back into hyperarousal that deep relaxation triggers it to go into fight/flight mode with jolting. Again, any sleep I get is purely a miracle and I'm grateful for it.

 

I pray for the strength to endure, faith to hope, and protection in a state when I know on many occasions I'm not rational.

 

I have had moments when it seems half my head goes numb and tingly, and my cognitive skills go down the tube. I left my purse at McDonald's several weeks ago, and didn't even know it was gone till the manager gave it back to me. She said it sat there for over a week. I had no idea it was gone. I don't really care for McDonalds but it's three minutes from my house and when I can tolerate getting out, having decaf there is a safe option. Starbucks is across the street. I used to love Strarbucks, but can't handle the noise, and seeing everyone in there dressed to go to work depresses me. I'm also embarrassed because I haven't been able to tolerate being in public that much and my hair has about 1 inch of dead ends, which I try to hide by pulling my hair into a bun. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.

 

I am however eternally grateful for answers to prayers of despair. I thank God for the sleep I have gotten, that I finally found a lotion and soap that doesn't give me a rash, that I can again depend in certain bodily functions that misfired for a couple days, my parents who try their best, for friends who have stuck by me through all of this. Honestly, the support from friends has been immense and overwhelming.

 

This sickness has brought healing to my family. 20 years of bitterness has wasted away.

 

I battle worry everyday. About getting sick and dealing with antibiotics, about the ordeal of still having .25mg Ativan to get off of and every time I have a wave, I wonder if it's the Ativan. But, the symptoms seem to fluctuate so much, I think it's just waves. I'm down to about 14 items I can eat. I'm glad I at least have 14. I used to enjoy eating. Now, it's kin to showering. I just do it.

 

I used to be a runner, now I take my dog for a five minute "potty" walk and my heart is racing.

 

How long? How long? Over and over these thoughts come to me. Over and over. I try to distance myself from these thoughts. Questioning my ability to cope with this. Wondering if my symptoms are worse, and my body weaker than others, or if it just seems that way, a trick the mind plays during WD.

 

None of this is in any order, just random thoughts.

Also, learning to be completely honest about how I feel and am doing. I used to BS for so many years when I felt like crap. It never helped.

 

Fighting feeling guilty. My brother died as a result of medical negligence involving a blood transfusion in the 90's. He was so sick for so many years. I feel guilty for being sick like this. I feel awful for my mom, I'm her only child besides my brother who deceased. She is scared. I can tell. And it breaks my heart.

 

Sorry if this is a downer. But, it's where I am. Will try to post in a window next.

[Muddles]

I'm sorry. This is all so cruel isn't it!?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your brother...such a damn shame. It's hard having to deal with this everyday as well as the guilt of what we are putting on our families. Just remember this is not your fault....concentrate on yourself, be kind to yourself and remember it won't be forever.

 

Thinking of you.

[Wildflower0214]

I'm sorry. This is all so cruel isn't it!?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your brother...such a damn shame. It's hard having to deal with this everyday as well as the guilt of what we are putting on our families. Just remember this is not your fault....concentrate on yourself, be kind to yourself and remember it won't be forever.

 

Thinking of you.

Yes, it is a shame. But, like I said, we will make it Muddles! We will!!! Thank you for the support. It means the world to me. I relate to you on many levels as I read your thread. I'm glad we can at least share this experience, and not go it alone. Things are so much more bearable when we have community. Beyond grateful for that. Grateful for you.

Be well

[Muddles]

Bless you. I am grateful for you too. ☺

 

Don't feel you can't post here when you are struggling. This is when you need support from those who understand...it's a truly lonely existence living in the 'real world' and trying to get anyone to understand what this is like day in, day out.

 

Windows are just around the corner for you..healing is happening.

[Muddles]

*Trying to get anyone to understand is virtually impossible* - that's what I was supposed to say.

Urgh - Lack of sleep again here!

[Wildflower0214]

Bless you. I am grateful for you too. ☺

 

Don't feel you can't post here when you are struggling. This is when you need support from those who understand...it's a truly lonely existence living in the 'real world' and trying to get anyone to understand what this is like day in, day out.

 

Windows are just around the corner for you..healing is happening.

Thank you.

[Wildflower0214]

Well, last night, felt pretty ok, then took my melatonin and felt calm and then revved up. But, so hard to tell what is really going on since things change sooooo rapidly. I thought this was happening a few weeks ago, but then went like seven days with pretty decent sleep. So maybe just waves?? Who knows?! And everything else, like food I thought was an issue, if I just wait it out it stops. I think because my brain is going through so much change that things that were a problem seven days ago are not now.

 

 

I've taken melatonin for years and don't want to taper. :-/ I am sensitive to even eliminating food, and I'm not in a stable position. Struggling with sleep. But, if it is hurting me then I need to get off of it.

 

Now going to balcony to scream obscenities, and possibly spit.

 

Be well everyone...

[Wildflower0214]

 

Bless you. I am grateful for you too. ☺

 

Don't feel you can't post here when you are struggling. This is when you need support from those who understand...it's a truly lonely existence living in the 'real world' and trying to get anyone to understand what this is like day in, day out.

 

Windows are just around the corner for you..healing is happening.

Thank you.

You know, as I think about it, I don't know why I feel guilty about being honest. I didn't used to. Its like being ashamed of being sick, like if I were more positive it would make it all better. Lol

 

But, I'll tell you, and I'm sure u would agree, when the front part of your head goes completely numb and you can feel nothing, no joy, nothing, nothing, or when you are pacing the house restless after barely any sleep because sitting makes you nervous, and you have crawling sensations all over, you can't talk yourself out of it. i just pray, pray and endure.

 

Now, when I'm just kind of antsy, breathing and prayer does help.

[westcoast]

Muddles, it sure sounds like good old Akathisia is haunting you. I can only say once again: I believe you, I've have experienced it, and it is very, very, very, difficult to endure. And because so few others have dealt with it, it's hard to find people who do understand it. But we here do!

I was sorry to read about the death of your brother.

Here in the US it is estimated that 200,000 people die every year because of mistakes made by medical personnel. So many mistakes were made during my cancer care that it is quite lucky my body survived. One of the mistakes was putting me on Effexor when it should have just been Xanax, and then forgetting to give it to me in hosp, triggering the life-wrecking mania, etc etc etc. Years of treatment for non-existent bipolar with meds that added akathisia, delirium, and temporary psychosis. Yummy.

 

[Wildflower0214]

Muddles, it sure sounds like good old Akathisia is haunting you. I can only say once again: I believe you, I've have experienced it, and it is very, very, very, difficult to endure. And because so few others have dealt with it, it's hard to find people who do understand it. But we here do!

 

I was sorry to read about the death of your brother.

 

Here in the US it is estimated that 200,000 people die every year because of mistakes made by medical personnel. So many mistakes were made during my cancer care that it is quite lucky my body survived. One of the mistakes was putting me on Effexor when it should have just been Xanax, and then forgetting to give it to me in hosp, triggering the life-wrecking mania, etc etc etc. Years of treatment for non-existent bipolar with meds that added akathisia, delirium, and temporary psychosis. Yummy.

 

 

I'm sorry, my multi-quote confused u. you were responding to me and yes, the medical community did a number on my mother when she had cancer as well. I'm sorry u endured this.

And my brother, bless his sweet soul doesn't hurt anymore and I believe he is with me through this.

 

I still say u deserve a medal for what you hve been through. You inspire me to put one foot in front of the other. That it will get better.

[Wildflower0214]

This akathasia is horrendous. How do people deal with this?????

[Wildflower0214]

How does this happen? How am I fine last night, and spent today slipping in and out of hell? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I know it's waves and windows, but it's such a cruel pattern. It's so unpredictable. It's awful. It's hideous. Dr's should do prison time for this negligence.

[westcoast]

All I have ever found on scientific-looking journal articles and the like as a treatment for akathisia is a) beta blockers, which some here have had problems with, and benzos. Or "hair of the dog," i.e., more of the drug whose withdrawal caused it. But that's not reliable from what I have read here.

The best thing to me is to have human company that understands. However since I screeched at nearly all my friends at one time or another, that's scarcer than it used to be. Even people I didn't screech at saw the wacky, bizarre things I was posting on Facebook. OH GAWD.

 

I'm also taking art classes in community college, which is a bit of a luxury that not everyone can manage, but I recommend it highly if you can. The time spent in a classroom physically doing something is 100 times better than time spent home alone.

WC

 

 

[Wildflower0214]

All I have ever found on scientific-looking journal articles and the like as a treatment for akathisia is a) beta blockers, which some here have had problems with, and benzos. Or "hair of the dog," i.e., more of the drug whose withdrawal caused it. But that's not reliable from what I have read here.

 

The best thing to me is to have human company that understands. However since I screeched at nearly all my friends at one time or another, that's scarcer than it used to be. Even people I didn't screech at saw the wacky, bizarre things I was posting on Facebook. OH GAWD.

 

I'm also taking art classes in community college, which is a bit of a luxury that not everyone can manage, but I recommend it highly if you can. The time spent in a classroom physically doing something is 100 times better than time spent home alone.

 

WC

 

 

 

Yes, well I'm hypersensitive to everything. So, I'm not going to add anything to it. No more drugs for me. Good greif. :-/

So, honestly, I'm just praying that this passes quickly like all the other stuff. Went through a paranoid, OCD period and it passed. So, I'm sure this will too.

 

I just have moments of shear panic about it, and think it won't ever stop. But, that's not true.

[Wildflower0214]

So,

During all of this, my mother sat me down and explained that when my brother was ill, she had been put on Prozac and remained on it until I was a teenager. My mom was very very unstable during these years and I didn't know why. This was from the time I was 8-17 years of age. She was emotionally, verbally, and unfortunately physically abusive during this time, even though she never was before she took Prozac. She told me she tried to get off of it, and had no idea what was happening to her, it was the early 90's, nobody knew about WD. But, now at 30 years old I have an answer for why my loving mother changed overnight and turned into someone who abused me for years and who I didn't know.

 

The sad part in all of this, is that it was that drug-induced personality change and the multiple taper attempts that led to my abuse, which landed me where.....? In a psychiatrist's office at the age of 23, and on Lexepro for the next 6.5 years. And, subsequently, in a acute horrific WD.

 

I have no words. I never knew she was on Prozac, but now it all makes sense.

 

Also, my mother's mother, my grandmother was prescribed Valium, and became an addict, and subsequently abused my mother.

 

What's the common denominator here? Pills. Pills. And more PILLS!!!

[Wildflower0214]

I have no stress tolerance at all. I flip out over the smallest things and it's like its impossible to control.

[btdt]

This akathasia is horrendous. How do people deal with this?????

One step at a time deal with what the day hour moment event presents and yep there will be times you will look stupid and feel defeated great one to chat a person up I am... but it is true.  It is bound to happen and I doubt anyone goes threw this and doesn't lose friends doubt their own sanity...lose relatives... and at times have what seems like the entire world think they are mad... for me this included people on the withdrawal site I was talking on... so it can get bleak.  Really distraction is good if you can find some routine is good if you can ... if not at the same time the same sort of things calming things even if it is tromping miles to burn off energy so the system eases some. 

I am not generally all over the map like I use to be OR at least I don't think I am ...not as often anyways if I am.  It is so important to keep trying things to see what will ease you suffering and no I am not talking about pills I am talking about all the other things relaxation ect.  keep trying keep looking read ... search online.  

Keep talking to people here too as I find it is a bit less lonely when there are some people who get it even if you can't get those close to you to understand or believe you.  It helps. 

In the beginning things may not help that much it may be barely perceivable so even the tiniest improvement is a big deal if something works in the early stages it is likely to be a game changer later on as you heal more.  So heating packs on your spine if it helps a tiny bit now will be a great comfort to you later.  If you find a relaxation video was tolerable now it will likely be a good bet later too.  The more you work these things the better they work... and when and if they don't take a break and look for something else another day they will work again.

peace to you. 

[btdt]

So,

During all of this, my mother sat me down and explained that when my brother was ill, she had been put on Prozac and remained on it until I was a teenager. My mom was very very unstable during these years and I didn't know why. This was from the time I was 8-17 years of age. She was emotionally, verbally, and unfortunately physically abusive during this time, even though she never was before she took Prozac. She told me she tried to get off of it, and had no idea what was happening to her, it was the early 90's, nobody knew about WD. But, now at 30 years old I have an answer for why my loving mother changed overnight and turned into someone who abused me for years and who I didn't know.

 

The sad part in all of this, is that it was that drug-induced personality change and the multiple taper attempts that led to my abuse, which landed me where.....? In a psychiatrist's office at the age of 23, and on Lexepro for the next 6.5 years. And, subsequently, in a acute horrific WD.

 

I have no words. I never knew she was on Prozac, but now it all makes sense.

 

Also, my mother's mother, my grandmother was prescribed Valium, and became an addict, and subsequently abused my mother.

 

What's the common denominator here? Pills. Pills. And more PILLS!!!

It is funny isn't it how we went thru life not knowing.  My mother was drugged up here and there and turned to drink... eventually.  My sister was in the age of those mother little helpers and the movie the valley of the dolls never crossed my mind where she was concerned till after I had my own run in... funny how I see this completely differntly now.

I think it interesting how they have a different drug for each generation and now they are starting litttle kids on drugs...this freaks me out.  I cannot believe they have not learned one thing from the past several decades they know they don't give a ****... and what is odder even is there will be more just like us to take the next drug... unless something gives and the truth gets out. 

I wonder if the folks who made valley of the dolls thought that was the ground breaker that it would not happen to the next generation...lol here we are... living it wonder what the next drug will be for the next generation... we all know there will be something new.  

yep there is a pattern for sure and they are allowed to keep doing the same thing over and over again... no matter the suffering it is insane. 

[Wildflower0214]

Anhedonia... I think I spelled it correctly. I felt this the last three years on Lexepro. Could it have caused it? I thought it was depression.

[westcoast]

I think so (drugs causing anhedonia).

How are you with food? I don't care about it anymore. It's a terrible loss, because looking forward to the next meal is a great way to get through any day, even for non-medicated people. Without that little crutch, days seem bleak.

I'm just now trying to force myself to eat more vegetables.

[Wildflower0214]

I can only eat 14 times because I react to stuff. Lol so not much fulfillment there. Haha

[luv2knit]

Hi, JDM.  I have not read your entire thread, but as a fellow akathisia sufferer, I can certainly relate to some of your later posts.  Will try to go through soon and read more of your story.  I don't have problems (yet) with foods, but I certainly seem to have paradoxical reactions to any supplement that I have tried that I was not already taking before WD.  I have had a couple of "decent" days, and feel like I am just waiting for the shoe to drop at this point.  I have had insomnia constantly now for two or more months, and my loss of appetite is such that I just basically go through the motions of eating, just to keep myself alive. I used to live to eat!  Lol.  My insomnia seems to have changed patterns somewhat in the past few days, and although I'm still not getting more than a few hours sleep, I'm hoping this may be turning a corner.  I really am not experienced enough with the "windows and waves" to know if that is what I'm experiencing or what.  Anyway, the akathisia is there, to some degree, all the time, but i keep a journal, and "rate" my level of akathisia (primarily between about a "3" and "7").  I've had a few "good" days lately, where it is primarily between 3 and 5.  I have read that sometimes, when only one drug is involved (as in my case), that sometimes the akathisia just goes away and does not come back.  Does anyone know if this really can happen?!  Not holding my breath anyway, but it sure would be nice!  Best wishes to everyone!!

[Wildflower0214]

Yes, it does go away. It will go away. Even with multiple drugs. It is a side effect of drugs and a WD symptom. It actually is pretty common at some degree for those withdrawing, but I think a lot of people think it's anxiety, and don't realize what they are dealing with. But, it is going to go away. It's just part of withdrawal. I had a period of months without it, but during that time I had intrusive throughts, and was kinda OCD and paranoid. Just another stage. I used to have hot flashes and nightmares, but that changed too. Then I go in and out of being sensitive to light, sound, smell, and it passes. It all passes. But, if I remember correctly, (I'm on thhe mobile version, so I can't see your signature) you were on that drug for a very long time. Correct?

[luv2knit]

Yes, JDM. I was on Zoloft for 20 years. I know it will eventually go away. What I had read, though, was that for some people who are only dealing with one drug, they just, basically, wake up one day, and the akathisia is gone--never to return. I just wonder if it actually can happen like that. I think so far, I've experienced more of a "windows and waves" effect, with respect to the akathisia--just like everything else.

[Wildflower0214]

Ya, I think it is totally individual. Some people recycle symptoms until they vanish, other people wake up one day and things just disappear. I think it has way more to do with your individual nervous system. Hard to predict really. But, let's hope that's what happens. On the symptoms and self care part of this site, (I know you've seen the topic on it) but, there is a link to akathisia support forum on another site. It's brand new, but run by a woman who got it after a bad reaction to a drug given to her in a hospital. She had it for quite a while but recovered. Anyways, I went and signed up, just to see what else is out there for help.

 

The fact that yours and mine as well dies down is a fantastic sign. It is showing its weakness. Very very good sign. I have afternoons, hours, and I had a whole day it was much much better. Also, after the bad times, the next day seems to be better than the last time it lessened.

[Wildflower0214]

I think so (drugs causing anhedonia).

 

How are you with food? I don't care about it anymore. It's a terrible loss, because looking forward to the next meal is a great way to get through any day, even for non-medicated people. Without that little crutch, days seem bleak.

 

I'm just now trying to force myself to eat more vegetables.

You are eating veggies! The ketchup on your robe counts!! I say it counts!!!

[luv2knit]

Yes, I do take it as a good sign that it dies down--often for a day or two. I'be seen the akathisia blog, but guess I missed the other site. I will look again.

[Wildflower0214]

It doesn't have much. Very very new. But the lady who started it had another blog that blew up so much she couldn't track all the comments. So now she has a forum, I guess not a blog... I dunno. Lol the difference? I mean I do, but anyways.... Cognitive abilities lacking