Jump to content

rainfall: years later...still healing


rainfall

Recommended Posts

I wanted to share where I am today.

 

At almost 3 years post withdrawal. Healing's not a linear process. People think I must be faking it, suddenly achey and panicked and unable to leave the house. Or lazy. not so. 

 

the first 8 months post-antidepressant withdrawal - after coming off benzos, mood stablizers too after 17 years - were awful but at least I had hope. yes, i cried or was numb, but also had enormous amounts of creative energy and visions. thought i'd be restored to health in a couple of years (by age 36, in time to have kids)

 

Almost three years later, my creative energy is sparse. My blood pressure is 82/72. I am slow to speak and write and talk. Though I'm committed to staying here, i don't naturally see the point in living. I am in pain. I struggle to feel joy. I spend most of time alone, since it's hard to be around people.

 

It's nothing to be fixed, just how things feel right now. They always shift. Working with Internal Family Systems. Swore I'd never go back to therapy, but it's helping me hold space for all parts of me, the stuff i tend to hide because it's too much for most people. 

 

appreciate this space where i can just be honest, no pressure (though even here I create it) to sound positive, which is so exhausting sometimes.

1994 Prozac (became suicidal, manic, hospitalized)

1994-2008 every SSRI + wellbutrin, effexor, ativan, topamax, naltrexone, several benozo (2-5 meds daily)

2008 cold turkey klonopin: BP dropped; trip to ER; never told addictive; 3 yrs. ear ringing, dead feeling, panic, sound, light sensitivity

2009-2010 cont'd on Zoloft 200 mg + wellbutrin 300 mg; topamax

2010 AMA; no information cold turkey all meds

8 months wild energy, creativity, impulsive, crying + visions

Month 8 post withdrawal began extreme fatigue, flu-liike sx, dark depair, flat and hypersensitive

2014 now 2.8 yrs post WD 50% time flu-like; despair, anhedonia. 

 

** 3 months post WD bulimia stopped for 1st time since beginning prozac; suddenly, no obsessive thoughts of food.

No Idea SSRIs were cause; have not heard others have this, but it's real: IATROGENIC BULIMIA.

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello rainfall and welcome to SA!

 

Thank you very much for sharing your experience with us. It is very valuable. I very much agree with how the compulsion to be positive (at all times) feels so very exhausting and also appreciate this forum for allowing us to be the way we are.

 

We always appreciate to see the drug history to help people with tapering and in your case it would be very interesting to see which drugs you were taking, for how long and how you tapered them so that we could relate. If and when you feel like it you could put that info in your signature as described here:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/25-please-start-a-topic-about-yourself-in-this-forum/

 

What you are describing reminds me of what we call protracted withdrawal. If you haven't done it yet, reading about it might help you feel better and more positive through making sense of what you are going through and knowing you are not alone in that. Especially not here. I can't really find the right threads but this might do for the time being: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/509-protracted-withdrawal-symptoms-why/

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5173-protracted-withdrawal-is-a-real-syndrome/

 

Are you familiar with the windows and wave pattern of recovery. I found this to be a very useful concept: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/

 

I very much look forward to reading more about your journey when you have time. I'm 37 and would very much like to get off my meds in tie to still have child...After a decade of attempts to do so which only led me to other meds and higher dosages, I finally feel like I can manage with all the knowledge and support here. 

 

You will find a lat of friendly support here and people who are going through very similar and difficult experiences.

 

welcome once again.

bubble

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

Link to comment

Thanks, Bubble. I'll put my drug Hx info in my signature very soon. hard to tally by memory, and also, emotionally, tough to review. But i understand it's useful for folks, maybe healing for me.

 

thanks for the links. i've actually read these, thank god. they very much resonate. protracted withdrawal definitely, and windows and waves are my pattern, with no discernible trigger apart from supplements or being on the computer for more than an hour or two at a time.

 

off to walk. thanks so much for your support and kind words.

1994 Prozac (became suicidal, manic, hospitalized)

1994-2008 every SSRI + wellbutrin, effexor, ativan, topamax, naltrexone, several benozo (2-5 meds daily)

2008 cold turkey klonopin: BP dropped; trip to ER; never told addictive; 3 yrs. ear ringing, dead feeling, panic, sound, light sensitivity

2009-2010 cont'd on Zoloft 200 mg + wellbutrin 300 mg; topamax

2010 AMA; no information cold turkey all meds

8 months wild energy, creativity, impulsive, crying + visions

Month 8 post withdrawal began extreme fatigue, flu-liike sx, dark depair, flat and hypersensitive

2014 now 2.8 yrs post WD 50% time flu-like; despair, anhedonia. 

 

** 3 months post WD bulimia stopped for 1st time since beginning prozac; suddenly, no obsessive thoughts of food.

No Idea SSRIs were cause; have not heard others have this, but it's real: IATROGENIC BULIMIA.

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

I look forward to reading more from you. Just take your time.

 

Walks are my favourite remedy so very happy to hear you are applying them as well ;)

Current: 9/2022 Xanax 0.08, Lexapro 2

2020 Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi rainfall,

Welcome from me too. I'm glad you decided to start an intro thread and look forward to hearing more of your story. I'm also in protracted withdrawal and find that acceptance is my best recovery tool.  You will find a lot of understanding support here for what you are going through.

 

Please feel free to write whenever you want.

 

Petu.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy