Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[geminigirl]

I am also sweating and not able to think.

[Flowers]

Hi!

 

How are you feeling today? Have things settled at all?

 

xxx

[geminigirl]

As of right now, not really.

 

Before the drugs, I would have massive panic attacks, but while on the drugs I never had them.

 

I forgot what it was like to feel any anxiety really.

 

Now, getting tapering off them, it's like I feel I have been asleep for 6 years. I am currently in a spell where it seems the drug is making my emotions go up and down.

 

I am also unable to think rationally. I feel scared when these feelings comes up. It feels like I am on some street drug, like speed or something, and yet, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

[geminigirl]

I feel the neuroemotions and inability to think rationally are the two scariest things.

 

I also don't have much support currently, which I think makes it worse.

[KarenB]

At those times, connecting in with something real can help.  Like going outside and standing on the ground, looking at it, smelling the smells that are around you, feeling the wind or sun on your face.  Even say to yourself all the things you can see.  Well, it has helped me sometimes, so it may be worth a shot. 

 

Another strategy I used in my darkest times was just sitting down, putting my hands on my thighs and saying 'here I am ... sitting here ... safely in my own skin ...' in order to notice the physical side of me more than the emotional side. 

 

Or lying down and putting your legs up the wall and having a big sigh.  It's very calming. 

 

Sipping water, splashing your face with water, putting your feet in a sink of lovely hot water.  Anything to move you out of the spiraling neuro-emotions and into your body or surroundings.

 

When did you make your last drop?  (Could you update your signature? Thanks).

 

Karen

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

I am still not doing good.

 

I am have inner agitation, feeling not like myself, elevated heart rate, and just feeling more fear than usual.

 

I am worried this is kind of dangerous for me as I am already a scaredy cat and don't have much support in my life.

 

The only person I am very attached to is my therapist and I only see him once a week.

 

My birth family is not supportive at all nor my younger sister, as she is only 17.

 

If anybody is in Vancouver that would like to get together and support each other, that would be awesome.

[KarenB]

Being alone can be frightening.  It would be very useful to know the details of when your last couple of  drops were, and how much they were. 

 

It helps us to see what is going on, and whether a hold might be useful or some other approach. 

 

How is your sleeping?

[geminigirl]

Hi Karen,

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I am actually doing very well this morning. I feel a lot like my former self, in that I "feel" more, I feel my body more and don't feel as much like I am in a dream. I still have this inner buzzing though which is kind of annoying, like a feeling as if I am high, which isn't bad, just kind of unnatural. I feel part of the world again, like emotionally speaking and physically, like not in the dream as much which is good.

 

This latest drop really scared me though because I almost had a panic attack and fainted. I was worried about having these emotional symptoms, but currently they are manageable. It's just scary how suddenly and unexpectedly they come about, like with every drop you never know what will happen.

 

I feel like I have now had a bit of PTSD by being on this drug and tapering because I never knew this drug was like mdma, cocaine, or heroin. Like my "doctor" never told me it was like an actual drug that messes your head up. The thing is, I can't take back the past, and the only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes. I now know that this drug has a hold on me based my recent withdrawal symptoms and I am a drug addict, in a sense that I need my drug to function. I see that now and it's sad. I am only at 14.70 mg, down from 20 mg, so I have no idea how in the world I can get down to 0. I am honestly super scared now of tapering.

 

My biggest fear are the homicidal and suicidal thoughts, which I felt were almost going to rise up unless I really did my CBT work. I already had suicidal thoughts before this drug, but I think what this drug does is decrease your ability to reason, so if a thought comes up, it's harder to say this is just a thought because it feels so compelling. That feels very scary to me, but at the same time, I know, no matter what, I will never give up on life and will never give up on life just cuz of a stupid drug that a stupid ignorant and heartless person gave me. I just will not. I will not die because of any harm done to me by man, and I have already had a lot of trauma before this drug.

 

The reason why is because no person is my god, and they cannot seal my fate. Even a stupid doctor that gives me poison. Imagine on your death bed and being like, ya im going to give up this beautiful life, and all my potential and love for the world just because of a stupid drug with some temporary side effects (even if it is 2/3 years).

 

There is nobody or nothing you should lay your will to survive down for. Nobody. The reason is because there is something in each and every one of us that really wants to live and be happy, and really flourish and take the world or life by storm.

 

We must all fight for our freedom and happiness, and I mean not fight as in an external fight, but it is an internal fight that is then carried out into the external dimension.

 

I actually felt today very scared because of these withdrawals and knowing the drug messed me up. I was thinking of giving up. Then there was something inside of me that said, you will not die. I don't want you to ever die before you have accomplished what it is you want to accomplish (mainly to realize myself as love itself) and then love others.

 

In a strange way, I felt like I really understood the meaning of life and also felt inside the feeling that I really will die one day. And we never know whether that day will be tomorrow or 80 years from now. We just don't know.

 

So, I feel like what my heart was saying as I was feeling myself get closer to death, is it was telling me the meaning of my life, which was a beautiful precious thing.

 

It was telling me, this voice inside, that I will only let you go Yana if you realize yourself, and until then, you will not die, I don't care how many drugs you are on or how many people try to hurt you.

 

And let me stress that this voice wasn't saying "fight the doctors or psychiatrists" although that is part of it, but a bigger goal, to actualize my potential. In a scary and strange way I felt the closer I was to death, the more real I become and happy.

 

Strange hey?

 

Anyways,

 

I am sending out hugs to all you people, my fellow friends.

 

Love,

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

Bad news.

 

Today I felt like I was legitimately on speed and had racing heart and dry mouth.

 

Should I updose to my last dose that I felt good at? This week has been horrible/scary.

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

I realized I cant do tapering right now in my life.

 

This current scare has been awful.

 

I am also a very sensitive person in general, so any changes to my system really scare the **** out of me.

 

I was worried I would commit suicide.

 

I am now going to go back up to the dose that I felt okay at and stay there. I hope it will make me better.

 

If not, I will updose again.

 

I have only been on 14.70 mg for a week, so hopefully updosing will help me feel better.

 

I am not ready to do this yet. I did not realize how horrific withdrawal can be and distruptive to my daily functioning. I also have a tendency for negative thinking and the withdrawal amplifies it as well it makes it harder for me to think.

 

I know my brain has been changed by these drugs, but I am just too fragile in my life now to experience this bad withdrawal.

 

I am more sensitive even than most people I know (I was put in a nursery for many hours if not days as a baby and that made me very fragile as an adult- I also never bonded with my mother, so as a baby I got overly stimulated and stressed out much more than other babies because my parents never were able to know what I needed)

 

For me, being given the meds was a huge mistake because I am one of those people who's CNS is already fragile, and I already had suicidal feelings before the meds, so I feel these meds just amplify it and also make it harder for me to think which is essential because I am in life saving therapy currently.)

 

I am praying to god I can stabilize once I updose. If not, I don't know what I will do. I am worried I may harm myself or end it all.

 

In a way, I feel this situation is tragic because I am very badly equipped to deal with withdrawal let alone life in general at times.

 

If someone could please reply I would appreciate it.

 

Thanks

[KarenB]

You may not need to go right back to the last stable dose as it may be too high, after your system has adjusted somewhat to lower doses.

 

Was your last stable dose the amount you were on before the drop to 14.70?  How much was that?  And how long were you on that dose for?  (Ie have you been doing 5% drops monthly, or faster than that?)

 

I know it's really frightening.  Lets try to find you the right dose before you make any changes.

 

Hugs,

Karen

[geminigirl]

Hi Karen,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes, I feel so incredibly scared. I really do.

 

I have always reacted so badly to drugs, and I need my mind to be 100% clear because I am already prone to depression and suicidal thinking irrelevant of the drugs.

 

I was on 15.485 before the drop. I was on it I think for 6 weeks or even 2 months.

 

If I go back on it, will it make me feel better?

 

I am desperate.

[geminigirl]

My biggest fears are the neuro emotions.

[KarenB]

In your sig it looks like you dropped to 14.7 on May 3rd, so one week ago, and considering 15.485 was your last stable dose then it does make sense to up-dose to that if you are not coping with this latest drop. 

 

Is there anything in your life that may have added stresses to worsen this last drop?  Other medications that may not be on your sig.?  How are you sleeping? 

 

I can't guarantee it will make you feel better.  You'll need to give it at least 4-7 days to 'kick in' and so stepping up your self-care sooner rather than later is just as important as making a dose change. 

 

You may be a person (like me, sensitive) who does better with micro-tapering. 

[geminigirl]

I am extremely sensitive Karen, but more so, I am going through a type of therapy which is very stressful on me and changes my personality almost, so it is very dangerous for me at this point to withdraw my meds any more.

 

I will updose and see how I feel.

 

Most importantly, I want my ability to think clearly back and also not to feel all this anxiety and stress.

 

In a strange way, I think the meds helped me in that they reduced my anxiety and stress, although they did make me feel more numb.  As I taper, everything feels a bit too real for me and I don't like that. Like it is just too much. I don't know if it's the withdrawal too though.

[KarenB]

Okay, let us know how it goes.  That therapy sounds pretty intense - are you still okay with it?

[geminigirl]

Ya, it's called primal therapy.

 

I am in the process of letting my therapist/mom into my heart and it's been very difficult on me.

 

I need to have my mind working clearly because if I don't I forget he exists, and then I feel all alone.

 

Hence, I need to get out of withdrawal fast.

 

I don't have much support in my life either right now. I can't afford to be sick.

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

Just another update.

 

I am feeling a lot better now. I feel more drowsy/numb like before the last taper, but I will take this any day compared to the recent withdrawal.

 

All day I had feelings of dread, racing heart, as well as a feeling like I am on speed.

 

I am still in therapy for an attachment disorder I have which is quite serious, so I need to keep going to therapy, and the therapy itself is stressful cuz I have to let my therapist into my heart and it is very scary.

 

For now I am not tapering. I first need to sort out my original issue as to why I went on the antidepressants in the first place, then I can taper.

 

I feel slightly traumatized due to this recent taper because I felt so scared and like everything was happening to fast.

 

I am already prone to anxiety and panic attacks, so it is dangerous for me to taper now.

[geminigirl]

My still inability to attach to people and feel people close to me as well as having a partner also contributed to making the withdrawal that much worse.

 

I was not prepared for it at all. I realize you have to be extremely emotionally prepared for the withdrawal in order to proceed with it including having a support group and most importantly I think a partner by your side to be there with you, which I don't yet have.

 

The SCARIEST thing about withdrawal is that your ability to think goes out the window, and to be there for yourself.

 

That is very scary for me.

[KarenB]

We understand.  It's good that you've recognised what you need in order to be able to taper, and it's good you are making decisions which keep you safe.  You're a very precious person and you deserve good care.

[geminigirl]

Hi guys,

 

could someone please help me?

 

I am going through bad withdrawal again. I feel my nervous system is ramped up and jacked up, like I can't sleep, heart beating fast, shaking, etc.

 

This is torture.

 

Suicide is not an option, I have too much to lose.

 

Need support asap please.

[geminigirl]

I have updosed to the last dose I felt okay at. How long will it take for me to go back to normal?

[geminigirl]

helllp

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

Just wanted to say I feel a tiny bit better, especially after my walk in the sun.

 

I feel overly excited still and can't sleep. I am also having increased anxiety and heart beating too fast.

 

Like I mentioned before, I dropped my dose from around 15.3 to 14.7 and now withdrawal hit me. It was worse yesterday. I reinstated 15.3 mg so I am feeling slightly better, but I am still worried about my beating heart and too much excitement that makes it hard to sleep.

 

Does anybody know how long this will last? Like usually after how many days after a recent taper or up dose do you feel better?

 

I feel like I am in a bit of a rollercoaster ride with these meds right now...Like I have to grip on something to be okay, although doing that amplifies the withdrawal as I am believing in the fear.

 

Let me know your thoughts/advice.

 

Thank you,

 

Yana

[Junglechicken]

Hi GG,

 

Just wanted to say hello and you're not alone. I understand what you're going through and feel your pain.

 

Hang in there, one of the mods will be along to help you ok?

 

Hugs,

JC x

[geminigirl]

Ok.

 

I just feel really horrible.

 

I can't sleep which makes everything seem worse.

 

I am hoping to updose and then stabilize with the updose.

 

How long does it take to stabilize?

[brassmonkey]

Hi Gemini--  I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a bad reaction to your last drop.  Hopefully the updose will help. Any change in dose takes a minimum of four days to become steady state in the blood.  During that time symptoms can be all over the place while your brain tries to sort out the changes.  Once things are steady state it can take several weeks for things to settle out.  It is a very slow frustrating process.  The big thing is to not let every little fluctuation in emotions upset you, adding secondary fear and anxiety is the worst thing you can do.  I understand that you're doing some very intense therapy which is adding to the distress, but we have very little control over what happens in WD and can only roll with it as best as we can.

[geminigirl]

Hey Brass,

 

Just wanted to say that I am so very thankful for your words.

 

Because I know you a bit more (chatting to you on here) your support is so encouraging and means so much.

 

I honestly thank you.

 

I feel the most important thing for me right now is to know people are here for me.

 

I often feel quite alone, and the way I usually feel not alone is using my brain to help me feel close to others, but it currently isn't working, or less so.

 

I am praying to god that the up dose after 4 days will help and I can finally sleep and not have a high heart rate. I am also hoping your words will be true for me, that I will feel better in a few weeks.

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[geminigirl]

Hi Guys,

 

Still not doing well, this recent taper really f****d me up good.

 

I have not been able to sleep, and have had huge anxiety surges and horror surges. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions which feels very traumatizing in a way. When I try to relax, it seems the anxiety hits me hardest.

 

I am praying and hoping to god my updose will work within a few days.

 

How long will this roller coaster last?

Edited May 11, 2016 by brassmonkey
Cleaned up language

[geminigirl]

Do you guys think I can stabilize If I updose and stay at that updose for a while?

[geminigirl]

I need my brain and body back, I can't live like this.

 

Thanks.

[KarenB]

Do you guys think I can stabilize If I updose and stay at that updose for a while?

Yes.  Keeping stable is the key - no more random or fast changes.  Giving yourself stable, steady care will do you so much good. 

 

Do you have some practices that help with keeping calm?  Especially to get you through the next 4 or so days while things settle.  It's going to be okay Gemini, it's hard and it takes time, but you will get through this.

 

Hugs from me too,

Karen

[geminigirl]

Hi Karen,

 

Thank you for the support.

 

Oh my dear god.

 

I just want to say.

 

It is SUCH a tragedy I have missed out on like 6+ years of life due to these drugs.

 

I have been kind of "waking up" and it feels really good. I still feel like I have some mania and I still can't eat much and have insomnia but I am feeling at least more alive now, like thinks seem real again albeit overstimulated. I know this is not me though, the mania and insomnia.

 

I now know why I have barely made any friends these past 6 years and have been feeling so not there. Like literally, I feel like I was not there AT ALL. It was getting worse too I think in year 6/7.

 

I am feeling more alive now, but then I also feel this mania which I know is superficial.

 

Is mania followed by a huge depression?

 

I am planning on staying with my current dose to stabilize fully, but ya I have no idea when I will be able to start eating and sleeping. I feel much too reved up.

 

It's also no wonder that I have not been feeling connected or caring about the world at all the past 7 years. I didn't even care about bf's, etc. I just lost that zest for life.

 

It would be such a miracle to get this back and feel normal again, even if I have some physical symptoms.

 

Honestly, like I dunno what to say about that. I feel somewhat in shock, now all this feeling of aliveness is coming back and I had missed it for so so long. I forgot what it was like. Because I have also been doing a lot of therapy these past 4 years, I have also become much more in touch with my inner child but she was burried beneath the drugs. 

 

I want to be free sooooo bad of all this ****. I really really really do. I deserve happiness and peace, I have suffered too much already.

 

I still don't have a full range of emotions yet.

 

I feel like I can connect a tiny bit more to others which is awesome. I missed that. Other people felt like zombies just like me.

 

Can anybody tell me when the mania will go away and I can sleep again or will that take a while?

 

Thanks

[geminigirl]

When will I be able to sleep?

 

I am thinking of getting some melatonin.

[AliG]

GeminiGirl.   Can I ask how long it's been since you slept ?   How long have you been feeling manic ?  How are you tapering ?  What method and how much ?  Are you still on 14 .7 mg ?

May 9 - you said you were feeling good , but like you were on speed .

How long have you felt like that ?  Is this a new symptom ?

 

I know it's a lot of questions , but it could help to work out what is going on with you , right now .

Ali