Geminigirl: Hope for Healing

[geminigirl]

I feel sick inside.

 

Sick with feeling imprisoned.

 

I have been waiting 28 years to be free.

 

These drugs have added more time to the waiting.

[AliG]

GG.  I have been where you are now , and I totally empathize with your situation. Abuse is abhorrent.  All I can say is try and get yourself well and then hopefully you will be coming from a strong place and can then chart your own course in life , regardless of the interference provided by your family. I think sometimes you have to move away from the abuse and create a new  "soul "  family if you can . A family can mean different things . You can't choose your biological family but you CAN choose your soul family !     That's the beauty of it - it's your creation and you get to choose ! It's a family and friends of like - minded people who " get " you . I see it as similar to picking gems for a bracelet , if you see a " sparkly " one that speaks to you , pick it !     Eventually you will have one beautiful bracelet . I'm still constructing mine . I hope you do the same . 

Hugs,

Ali 

[MapleleafGirl]

Ali said it perfect.... So true!!!!! ...my hubby was so in supportive through those 4-5 months it made it harder on me.. But then I just chose to ignore his know it all attitude and still do now.. Makes things easier.. You will get through this.. Again what Ali wrote was just perfect

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[geminigirl]

Dear Ali, Mapleleafgirl, and Brassmonkey,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

I don't feel much due to the drugs, but in my heart I really thank you.

 

Ali, you are very right about the bracelet analogy. I want to pick my own soul family. I just feel right now it is hard because my social skills are very strange too because of the drugs. I dont really know how to talk to people anymore much. There is somthing missing, but I am not sure what it is. An inner confusion or vacancy. Is this because of the drugs too and what the heck is it? Does it go away with time? I was always a shy reserved and lonely person but I could actually start conversations and not be confused all the time. I really don't understand this symptom or side effect. Does anybody have any ideas?

 

Anyways...It sucks I feel nothing now, because I wanted to send you all big hugs.

 

Anyways, sending you big hugs....

 

Love,

 

Yana

[Flowers]

Hi GG.

 

I am sorry that you have had such awful things to contend with in your life. It can't be easy to live with that and trying to taper too!

 

But please try to never give up hope. You have reached a bit of a problem time with tapering but hopefully with the guidance of the wonderful mods/staff here they will do their best to  get you back on track. Then you will be in a better position to get your other problems sorted out.

 

In the meantime you are in my thoughts.

 

Love and hugs

 

Flowers xxxx

[geminigirl]

Hi Flowers,

 

You are in my thoughts too even though I dont know you well.

 

Yes, I am not giving up hope.

 

I agree that is so important.

 

I feel nothing today though. Absolutely nothing. No emotion. Just dead inside. I have some teary eyes, that maybe because I want to cry but cant so instead just have the teary eyes and like have a flu or something.

 

Hugs flowers,

 

Yana

[KarenB]

You've already got your first gemstone Yana, and that's you.  The rest will come in time.

 

There are seasons in our lives.  Right now, you're in the winter time - snuggling in, protecting yourself, nourishing yourself with your winter stores - but eventually you'll move into springtime - peeking out, seeing who's about, saying hi to some new people, and then some time after that you'll get your summer - sitting outside soaking up the warmth, being with people who love you, feeling peace and contentment. 

[brassmonkey]

Many people get very upset (which is an emotional response) when they start to feel no emotions. When it is in fact the minds way of protecting itself from emotions it can't handle at the time. Instead of feeling intense panic or anxiety the brain decides that it's safer to feel nothing at all and shuts off all emotions until it can get control of the situation. As frustrating and scary as they seem to be, the times when we feel like we loose all of our abitlty to "feel" are very important to the healing process we're going through.

[geminigirl]

Hi Karen,

 

That was beautiful. I will keep your words with me when I need to hear them again. Honestly, you touched me.

 

Brass, I also thank you for your words. I think you are very right. That makes sense when you put it that way. I think our brains know how to heal themselves on their own...They are there to help us.

 

Today was a pretty good day I actually felt some joy and more closeness with others. I felt not a ton of emotions, but something inside opened up a bit. It felt wonderful. I am so glad also and thankful. I don't know why. I feel happy today....

 

I am listening currently to a beautiful song... I will share it with you guys.

 

I also pet a beautiful orange cat today, she just came up to me and we hung out. We also ran together, she was running after me She ate some grass too.

 

I am still living with my abusive parents. However, they are not as bad as I had thought. I think they just really scared me as a child, but now I  can see them as just troubled individuals who probably got abused too when they were kids and were not raised right. I snuggled with my mom today for a bit and it was nice. I used to hate her.

 

My dad abused me emotionally for years too. He was real brutal and crossed many boundaries. I am starting to forgive him too, although I have to be very firm with him and not take his ****. I have to be strong for myself to survive in life and be happy. I do not want to be anybody's doormat.

 

I am starting to love myself more too. It helps that this new opening came up for me, a new kind of clarity and "okayness." I am not sure if the meds were just making me more depressed all along, or they were causing me to live in my own head for so long, I am not sure. I was at a dose I think that was too high for me. It would be a scary nightmare to believe that the hell I have been through for 5 years was mainly due to the drugs. It might perhaps be true. Because I had already met my love, or one of my loves. I should have been content with that. Yet, there was something missing inside of me, my own self was gone.

 

I hope this peace continues for me.

 

I still have a long long way to go before I am truly free.

 

Today I will just enjoy what is here.

 

Sending everyone my love and hope!!!

 

Yana

[brassmonkey]

Yana-- that post is so positive in so many ways it brings tears to my eyes.

 

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

 

Brass

[geminigirl]

Thank you Brass...

 

Around 1 am today the rage came in again as well as homicidal thoughts- particularily at the people who made and prescribed me this ****. I believe it has to do with the drug as it is irrational. When I feel like this it is very hard for me to feel close to people. I just see everything with rage colored glasses.

[geminigirl]

Brass,

 

Did you have the rage and thoughts of wanting to injure others and also feelings of disconnection?

 

Or anyone else for that matter?

 

I should have probably gone to bed early.

 

Oh well.

 

I think I have been having rage attacks for the past several years which was caused by the meds. I didnt think it was cuz of the meds.

[brassmonkey]

Hey Yana-- I'm using my tablet right now because I'm away from home so I can't copy and paste. There is a really good write up on "Anger Spirals" on the current page of my intro thread. You might want to take a look at it.

 

Anger at being put in this situation is very understandable, as well as wanting retorbution. The drugs themselves play a good part in this because they lower inhabitions, cloud judgement and one WD symptom is homicidal ideation. All in all not a good combination. Working through this anger is similar to the grieving process. Acceptance of our situation is an important part of recovery. I'm not saying that we need to forgive and forget, but accept and move on.

 

Sorry, they're about to drag me out the door to get lunch and sight seeing more later.

 

Brass

[geminigirl]

I will keep that in mind.

 

Thanks Brass....

 

What did you have for lunch?

[geminigirl]

Feeling sick and depressed. Some kind of inner vacancy?

[geminigirl]

I realized my feelings have been blocked by these drugs.

​

I cannot wait for the day I can have a good real cry, a good shout or anger.

 

I haven't felt these things for so long.

 

It has the potential to cause a great depression inside of me.

 

My sexual urges, interests in general and passions have gone. I feel I am stuck and not going anywhere in life right now. Spinning my own wheels, or I guess I am not spinning but rather slowly moving.

 

I feel like I am imprisoned.

 

I am currently reading man's search for meaning...Victor Frankl.

 

I feel like I am in a psychological prison camp. I desperately want to get out, but can't.

 

Currently I am at 10 mg. It was been a week that I have been on 10 mg.

 

3 more weeks and I hope I can taper down to 9 mg, although I may have to wait 6 weeks, I will see, maybe 8 weeks if I want to be safe.

 

Does anybody else feel they are in a kind of concentration camp? I cannot experience love or aliveness anymore. I did not realize this was the case as the drugs gave me a sneaky feeling that everything was okay. That was a lie and just a high. Spell binding I believe as several people have talked about here? All these years I was imprisoned but just didn't know.

 

I do not believe in God, but I believe my suffering has a purpose. It cannot all be for nothing.

 

One day I want my life to be as sweet as honey, and I want to be as free as a bird, with love and attachment in my heart. I deserve it. Eckhart Tolle says human unconsciousness causes suffering to so many others.

 

What are we doing to each other? I feel sadness but also hope.

 

Perhaps also my lonely and somewhat troubled childhood has made me more resilient and I can wait it out...and experience great suffering, if that means I will get what I want in the end.

 

For me it's being able to finally attach to and love someone I have known for 5 years. I have not been able to really let him into my heart because of these meds. I cannot wait for the day to come when I finally can really see him, and more importantly FEEEL the love I have for him rather than just think of it in my head.

 

Does praying even help? I don't know anymore.

 

Thank you,

 

Yana

[scallywag]

Yana, I've had the thoughts and feelings that I was "doing time" or a life sentence, more like a prison though.

 

I try to keep in mind that life will have its ups and downs after getting off my one anti-depressant. All that will be different is I'll be a bit older and hopefully, both wiser and having greater ability to deal with the downs through more effective tools. Nice thing that comes with having the ability to deal with the waves, is the openness to appreciate and embrace the windows! We'll get there.

[geminigirl]

Your in my thoughts ScallyWag. I wish your prison sentence soon ends.

 

Love,

 

Yana

[LexAnger]

Hey, Ggirl,

 

I am so sorry you are feeling bad again! I couldn't post much here lately due to severe DR and confusion and overall sickness but I have been following you.

 

This is the most horrodous life stage for all of us, but you are not alone and we have to fight for our lives as there is no other option.

 

Taking the best care you could, just hang in for it pass, fighting adds more stress to our systems.

 

Hugs,

Lex

[geminigirl]

Hi Lex,

 

Thanks for your response.

 

I have a question for Alto if you are available and see this....

 

Do you think after I have been on 10 mg for a month I can go down 10%?

 

I seem to be doing okay on the 10 mg and have not had any severe withdrawals. I also feel more clear minded on the 10 mg.

 

I am hoping to go down lower so I can have more access to my feelings which I have not felt for years.

 

I was thinking of staying on the 10 mg for two months just in case, but I seem to be doing fine, so was wondering if I can reduce my dose after the month is up.

 

I have no idea if I am one of those people that would be in protracted withdrawal. I don't think I am, but I know my nervous system is more sensitive at this time.

 

Let me know if you have some free time.

 

Best,

 

Yana

[LexAnger]

Hi Ggirl,

 

That is great you are continually doing well! I was worried about you after reading your earlier post about feeling bad again.

 

Alto is defitpnitely the best person to answer that question.

 

I totally understand you want to be off ASAP. If I were you, I would stay hold for a month at the least before thinking about the next step. Why not just enjoy the better days and let time to help you decide.

 

Hugs,

Lex

[geminigirl]

Hi Lex,

 

Thanks for your message.

 

I get what you are saying...

 

I want to get off this stuff really fast so that I can get my brain back and move out of my abusive parents house.

 

I hate living here.

 

I know they dont love me and are just crazy psychopathic narcasissits.

 

They said they would help me just to suck me into their world of misery. It honestly is horrible and feeling like I have a disability now due to the meds, it makes it even worse as I have to be dependent on someone to drive me places, help me cook or cook for me, etc.

 

I dont know what to do.

 

It is honestly horrific living here and I hate it. They constantly watch what I do and breath on my neck.

 

I am naturally sensitive so I mainly do well only in a stable, loving, sensitive place or home, otherwise I feel like I slowly die each day.

 

My parents are also verbally abusive to each other and have been violent before too. Each day I never know how they will be so it makes me stressed.

 

They are honestly horrible people.

[geminigirl]

They literally suck the life energy out of me too and are just plain evil in a way.

 

I have slowed speech and cognitive abilities due to the meds and when I ask them for money they make a huge deal out of it, and play mind games.

 

They constantly play mind games.

 

I think any normal person would start going crazy.

 

It also doesn't help the fact that they abused and were cruel to me as a child.

 

I do have someone who loves me now but its my therapist and I need to find a job so that I can make money for our future therapy sessions. Because of the drugs I feel I was not able to let him in and really get the experience with him that I wanted. I feel I did not progress much because the drugs blunted my emotions so much.

 

Anyways, for now I think I will just stay away from my parents and emotionally just separate myself from them, otherwise I know I will die or become as evil and appalling as them which is not an option. I know I am better and always was. I always kept in touch with my heart, despite all that I went through and I refuse to become heartless and humanless like them or others in our society.

 

I probably just need a couple of good friends and a boyfriend.

[geminigirl]

Hi Lex,

 

I wanted to ask also,

 

Do you know when I will not feel as cognitively impaired?

 

I feel like my brain just isnt working right and like I have lost my sense of self, although it was messed up to begin with anyways.

 

I think I am getting slightly better cognitively but still, something is missing as well as my emotions.

 

Does that get better with the lower doses or do I have to be off the drugs to get my original brain back?

 

Maybe brassmonkey or ali or someone else could say?

 

I am just in a really hard place in life right now, I feel stuck and hopeless often, as I really need to be in therapy now because of childhood trauma, etc, which need to be dealt with asap. I carry years worth of emotional pain with me on a daily basis and it needs to be let out in therapy, but in order to do that I need a normal brain and emotions back so I can actually deal with the issues in therapy if that makes sense.

 

Thanks...

 

Yana

[geminigirl]

My nervous system I realized is more sensitive than before.

 

Why is this?

[apace41]

 

Do you know when I will not feel as cognitively impaired?

 

* * *

 

I think I am getting slightly better cognitively but still, something is missing as well as my emotions.

 

Does that get better with the lower doses or do I have to be off the drugs to get my original brain back?

 

 

 

Hi, Yana.

 

Even though I'm not Brassmonkey or Ali I will still respond. 

 

The fact that you are noticing that you are getting slightly better cognitively is a very good sign that you are healing and can expect to have continued improvement in that regard as you continue to taper.  You do NOT need to be fully off the medicine to see improvement.  Given that Brassmonkey for one is still on the medicine and has seen a ton of improvement during his taper, he would certainly echo that sentiment.

 

I'm sorry you are in a difficult living situation as it is undeniable that external stressors compound the problems caused by the medicines.  When your CNS is sensitized it will react badly to stresses of all kinds, be that food you don't tolerate or parents who make things difficult.

 

Hopefully, you can practice coping mechanisms to get you through this period and as you continue to heal can look for the chance to move out and on.

 

Best,

 

Andy

[LexAnger]

Hi Ayana,

 

Apace41 said it so well. It may take a while for a sensitized system to fully stabilized but once it does, all symptoms should subside.

 

I will see if I can find the topic for success stories.

 

Lex

[brassmonkey]

Couldn't couldn't couldn't   have have have   said said said   it it it   better better better. LOL

 

Once stable and as your taper continues you should see a lot of improvement in the cognitive department. Short term memory, finding words, following conversations, reasoning, they all improve as you to continue to decrease in dose.  The changes I've seen in just this last year amaze me.  It doesn't happen all at once but slowly almost unnoticed until one day you say "hey, I really handled that well" and realize that things have improved.

 

The living conditions don't help but little bits at a time it's possible to move away from the situation with out actually leaving.  It's all in attitude and what you will allow to bother you.  Toxic parents are hard to make a break from, especially when you're semi-dependent on them, but like finding stability while tapering it can be done.  Then once all the pieces start to fall into place, big changes can be made.

[geminigirl]

Andy- Thank you for your reply. My brain is quite slow right now but I really appreciate you checking into my thread. Yes, I hope my CNS will soon stabilize. I am still unsure whether my CNS is so sensitive because I am tapering, or because of the drug effects themselves. It would be good if someone could explain.

 

I am hoping I will see a lot of improvement as I get lower in the doses.

 

It really sucks though that my CNS is so sensitive now. I was sensitive before, but this seems like some kind of weird brain chemical sensitivity, because the sensitivity comes from like nowhere really.

 

I tried Fish Oil a few days ago and it literally made me high as a kite. Very strange reaction.

 

I also tried Vitamen C today and had a bad reaction to that too, it was over stimulating for me and I am still feeling the effects of that unfortunately.

 

Brassmonkey, thank you for your encouragement. I really am hoping my cognitive abilities come back. I was always so sharp and smart, able to respond quite quickly to a situation whereas now I feel like an old lady with dementia.

 

Lex, thanks for your help. I really do hope my CNS stabilizes. I don't even think it is too destabilized now, but I know something is very off, that combined with the fact that I am still taking 10 mg of celexa which adds a kind of derealized state to my daily living. It can be really scary and almost like a prison, but I try not looking at it that way. I really want to be happy in life and free, so I am going through this rabbit hole road to get there.

 

I was actually thinking of you guys today and thought boy, I wish I could post on SA today to say that I literally feel like Alison in wonderland.

 

I was at a park today, just feeding some ducks and the ducks became almost cartoon like. I knew it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but it can be quite infuriating and alienating. One lady even chatted to me when she was sitting on the bench and I thought she was from the matrix.

 

I often feel like I am in the matrix on these drugs. Something is just not real.

 

Does this go away too as my dose gets lower?

 

Thanks,

[geminigirl]

I also just wanted to say,

 

I still find 10 mg too high of a dose and still get mania and feeling wired. I have tried taking my meds earlier in the day so that at night it would be easier for fall asleep, today I took my last 2 mg dose just now and I feel wired.

 

I dunno.

 

How can I tell if 10 mg is too high of a dose? Should I still stay on it 3 more weeks even though it makes me feel like **** and is still activating? I am just so confused about what is withdrawal and what is the drug itself.

 

Honestly. This sucks so bad cuz earlier in the day I felt so good, felt like I was progressing and getting better, and then now again I feel all wired and sensitized and fucked up. It might have been because I took vitamin C and that was too activating. I dont know though.

 

There is no linear journey with this whole thing. That's what I find the most frustrating. I am mainly worried that in this state I feel more anxious and then I get crazy weird thoughts and dreams like kind of like my subconsious playing mind games with me. It feels horrible.

 

Im mad at myself that I took the vitamin C, but who knows if it was even from that? I dunno.

 

I guess I am also getting these weird neuro emotions. Feelings all kinds of weird feelings for no reason. Makes it harder that I can't think either.

 

Just basically I am tired of living like a roller coaster (it's not a big one anymore just little baby one but still). I honestly dont even know whats going on with me anymore or who I am. I feel like the drug controls me, not my own self and psyche.

[geminigirl]

Like literally within a day I can have like 6 different feelings or states of mind.

 

Hopeful, then sad, then loving, then hating, then liking, then being content, then angry, then sleepy, then doopy, etc all in one day. And because of memory loss the next day I forget what the hell happened the day before.

 

If someone was actually felt or was in my mind, they would surely say something has gone haywire.

 

I used to be sensitive and would get easily hurt or inspired but this is like different, its more irrational.

[Flowers]

Hi GG

 

I am really feeling for you with what you are going through.

 

From what I have read in your posts it seems that you are overstimulated. Of course the situation at home isn;t helping.

 

Just to go back to basics are you avoiding caffeine - like coffee, chocolate and some drinks like Coke?

 

Do you have any coping methods to help you relax?

 

Have you tried magnesium?

 

Just some suggestions that may help.

 

xxx

[geminigirl]

Hi Flowers,

 

Thanks for the support and yes I am avoiding all that stuff.

 

As far as coping methods, I do have several.

 

I feel like I am in a really sh*tty living situation and honestly hate my parents really badly.

 

They are both mentally ill.

 

It would be much better for me to move to another place or perhaps with a boyfriend or friend, but my parents do often give me stuff like food, money, etc, although it always comes with a price.

 

Anyways, ya my life kind of sucks now.

 

I did go swimming this afternoon which was very nice....

 

Today I waited a long time before my morning doses and the evening doses so I felt a bit off and manic.

 

I had one episode of suicidal and violent thoughts, but then they subsided.

 

I honestly don't know how I feel about living in this house though. I feel not safe as my father has been physically violent and sexually inappropriate at times. He has horrific, horrific energy and my mom is not better.

 

I will try to keep distance from them but they honestly breath down my neck and that combined with the anger I still have for them from childhood when they used to violate me all the time, I feel like hurting them often. They are extremely abusive, boundary violating, etc.

 

I don't even really take it personally anymore, its more the energy that emanates from them that is more horrible as my CNS is now sensitive, and so I kind of feel peoples energies more deeply. Their energy is appalling.

 

I honestly don't love them at all. I feel its impossible to love others who are heartless, paranoid and delusional, who abused you and continue to think that it is okay. Perhaps someone can tell me otherwise.

 

I could probably love them at a distance, but not so close to them and having to depend on certain things like food, etc.

 

I tend to forget stuff easily though because of my messed up CNS and cognitive abilities so perhaps that is good for the time being.

 

I also notice if I engage with them, It gets worse, and they are more mean. Its a psychological game in a way. I should choose not to engage but often I am somewhat doped up on the drugs and also they take away a lot of my clarity and rationality, its hard to be rational in the moment.

 

Anyways, I guess it is important for me not to engage with them and stay present and kind to myself, then the situation I am in becomes more tolerable and okay for me.

 

I still wish I had never ever been given these disgusting drugs.

 

There is a lot a lot of justice to be served there. By the psychiatric and mental health system, which I believe is ruled by brutes, people with no compassion or understanding.

 

This must stop.

 

I say that only those with compassion can become doctors or psychiatrists. If you lack those, they should immediately, immediately cast you out of the profession. The world simply cannot function when it is run by heartless people, whether in medicine, politics, food, etc.

 

I will try to put my own ego down for the greater good of myself, and others. I will try not seeing my parents as enemies but rather ignorant fools. I believe any person who cannot love their child is a fool, or deeply broken inside. The unfortunate thing is, often people who are in pain inside are often really cruel and mean. Their pain is turned into hatred, as in the case with my parents.

 

My family of origin is actually from Russia and abuse, violence and hatred is rampant, and not only tolerated by the society, but seen as signs of courage and strength. As well as selling your soul to society. Then you are considered normal. But you are soulless. I refuse to be one of those people.

 

I guess currently I just don't really know where to go because my brain is not working and I have not met any real close friends that I could live with. I am still working on the close friend thing....

 

I also feel some comfort living with my parents which may be my undoing.

 

In a way at least dealing with the insanity of living with these people is distracting me from the drugs and how they effect me.

[AliG]

Hey Yana . I can empathize with your situation, and can remember the feeling . For me it was a helpless feeling, and maybe it is the same for you. Try to have high hopes. Have an imaginary candle flame that burns brightly within you , regardless of what happens externally.  Let this be your guide to know that you're capable of expanding your life into the extraordinary. Understand that what you think about expands , and if you have a mind that's open to everything, then that is the energy you create . You will be the creator and the recipient.  Let the negative thoughts go  . Watch them as you would - almost like  " leaves down a river " . Imagine them floating by letting each leaf take one more problem down the stream  . Observe/ watch from the river bank as they float by ( picture them )  - then let them go , until they're out of sight .  You will hopefully feel a release & an easing of pain - a certain freedom in a sense.

 

If you can't physically remove yourself then try and create a sanctuary either in your space or your mind to be calm and at peace . Practice Yoga & meditation . Open your mind to all possibilities, because whether you believe it is possible or not , either way you will be right . We become our thoughts , so make them positive if you can. 

You might have to practice this for a while  but when you can master this,  even though it's very simple it can be a " turn around " for you .

Hugs,

Ali     

[brassmonkey]

Hi Yana-- Ali has some excellent suggestions which will be quite helpful.  I need to add one more, keep yourself safe. Physical and sexual violence is totally unacceptable and you don't need to tolerate any of it.  If there is a threat seek help immediately don't let things get out of hand.

 

(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))