LoveandLight: sertraline withdrawal

[LoveandLight]

Going to collect, if can get out house diazepam..didn't want to go down this route at all but this is intolerable..I don't understand what has happened and whether to go up dose

[degen12]

Hi Joannad,

 

Sending my best wishes to you. You aren't alone. Go easy on yourself, ok?

[LoveandLight]

Thank you and to you.

[Wildflower0214]

Hey there. Hoping you are getting better. I'm so sorry for you. Are u ok being alone?

[LoveandLight]

Thank you

I am not ok alone when I posted about the 'worst' times. Normally I am ok alone. I do think I made a mistake with measuring the dose but I was also maybe triggered a little - I thought I saw someone who had moved away that had, last yr threatened to kill me - she was convinced that I was possessed - scary to say the least. But I was highly medicated at that time and maybe did not feel the full force of the fear and maybe only feeling the extent of it now. Also Christmas seems to be stressing me - I'm just, well was dreading it. And the fact that when I go to do this housesit I will have to pack all my belongings ready for storage as my parents are selling the house. And I'm broke and gutted that I couldn't keep my job going. And I will also have to find somewhere else to stay after the 2 months housesitting. In real life I am quite alone with just parents really but this wd makes it almost impossible to connect with life and others. So maybe it all got on top of me but the symptoms of fear seem to trigger a fear of the future but then any thoughts and fear of all the above may trigger more withdrawal symptoms. Chicken and egg.

 

I do think I'm going to have to find a way to deal with the fear that I could be left with chronic depression from the medication..that is the over-riding fear that when the windows and waves pass this might be what I'm left with.

[Mjau]

I know this fear of being forever chronically depressed and in the mercy of drugs is really strong - I've felt it as well. But remember - you've had these moments of connectedness - and although it's so hard to feel that know - you know you had it and therefore I am certain you will have it again! It's deep inside you, slumbering, but yearning to be free.

 

There are people out there who have been diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia, drugged for many years, the medical profession has considered them as hopeless cases and maybe they have been thinking that about themselves as well. But they have slowly managed to come free from the drugs and found new meaning in life! Not without struggle for sure!

 

The journey is very tough! And certainly so in the midst of the waves. It's a crisis.

 

Hang on! It takes time for the nervous system to heal! You will heal!

[LoveandLight]

Thank you Mjau

 

How do you get over this fear?

How are you getting on?

[LoveandLight]

I'm actually a little better today.

[Mjau]

Glad you're a little better!

 

Thank you Mjau

How do you get over this fear?
How are you getting on?

 

I have had these positive feelings a couple of times now. I've had a very strong feeling that I'm on the right track now at last, that tapering slowly is crucial and I'm able to take control over my life. I just don't know when I had such a strong feeling before. The memory of the feelings somehow stay with me when I'm low - I know logically that the lowness will pass although it doesn't feel that way in the midst of brain fog and anhedonia.

My condition has improved during the last month though I have set backs, and I'm still far from functioning "normally". I've experienced less overall depressiveness and anxiety. It would definitely not have been easy to overcome the fear earlier this year when I was in a much worse condition. I guess it's all relative.

Meditation and exercise is something I do almost on a daily basis. These two activities often help me when I'm overcome by negative emotions.

[LoveandLight]

What kind of meditation do you do? And what kind of excercise..gonna have a go at an excercise tape later but the last time I did it, I had tremors for days after..

[tgirl]

Hi J,

Glad your feeling better!

God bless!

Tgirl

[Mjau]

What kind of meditation do you do? And what kind of excercise..gonna have a go at an excercise tape later but the last time I did it, I had tremors for days after..

 

I practice mindfulness meditation. I've tried some other meditations, for instance visualizing exercises, but mindfulness works best for me personally. It sometimes feels as though my brain goes through some kind of small partial re-booting when meditating

My goal is to do it every day at least 20 min, but I don't succeed with that all the time. (Today is such a day, it's been quite foggy....)

I have a cross-trainer and I try to exercise with it every second day.

I need the structure in order to do the meditation and cross-training, otherwise I probably wouldn't do them at all... which was the case earlier. I'm lousy at planning. I often have to drag myself to do these things but it's usually rewarding afterwards.

 

I think most importantly you have to find something that works for you, something that feels beneficial. Have you done any exercises and/or meditations before, that you were enjoying? 

 

A year ago my condition was very bad. I became very tired just walking outside. I had to rest. Eventually I was a bit better. A couple of months later I started doing some work out at home. I pushed myself too hard, I wasn't used to being in such a bad condition and didn't really know my limits. So my fatigue worsened. What I'm trying to say - listen to your body! Better to start with small steps. If you're not used to exercise maybe just taking walks outside would be enough, at least for a start.

[LoveandLight]

Thank you tgirl.

 

I used to meditate a lot but I think it actually became about escapism and chasing good feelings eventually and I don't want to get into that again. I suppose I'm not sure what meditation is about really..there seems to be so many out there with so many different aims, I'm unsure what I'm meant to be doing really and why..

 

I already walk quite a bit but I still need to find something that feels a little intensive but not too much that it brings symptoms on again.

[LoveandLight]

Very calm here too..I'm not used to this level of calm..instead of being able to enjoy fully I wonder if it's an artificial calm or it's the calm before the storm. Since the last awful wave (Saturday) my mind has been really still and non-moving, unlike its usual a million miles per hr.

[LoveandLight]

Dunno if I'm in a wave again but I feel paralysed with fear..I was incredibly calm for days but started to experience thoughts about existential matters and then pretty much constant fear for two days..it could be a wave or withdrawal but I think (it's pretty hard to remember before the drugs) I've experienced this also when young..

 

I'm terrified, of existence would the only way to describe it. I cannot escape existence (and I don't want yo actually) but it would be nice if it weren't so terrifying. Nothing seems to help, talking to people, walking, yoga, nothing.

[Wildflower0214]

What exactly are you afraid of? I'm missing it. :-/

 

I have fears that come in waves and then they dissipate over a few weeks. It's still a wave, even if it was stuff that you have feared in the past. The way I see WD, everything i felt before drugs is now on steroids. It's the same sort of fears, but now they are paralyzing

[LoveandLight]

I don't know the fear is all consuming paralysing, but it doesn't seem connected to anything, it's just there.

 

The only way I can describe it, is fear of existence itself.

[Wildflower0214]

Hmmm.

If it makes you feel any better, I have had some pretty strange fears during this, and I do right now. Really really bizarre. I'm sorry for you. Hang in there.

 

Peace sweetheart.

[LoveandLight]

Thank xx and to you.

[LoveandLight]

It feels like there is no solid ground to stand on, like I'm just falling through groundless space.

[Wildflower0214]

It feels like there is no solid ground to stand on, like I'm just falling through groundless space.

Is it a physical sensation as well?

[LoveandLight]

Hhhmm, not really but if it had a physical sensation that would be it..it's more that my psychological self just feels pure terror and therefore can find security in nothing at all

[Petunia]

Hhhmm, not really but if it had a physical sensation that would be it..it's more that my psychological self just feels pure terror and therefore can find security in nothing at all

 

I've been right where you are and I think I've even written (somewhere) something very similar to 'It feels like there is no solid ground to stand on, like I'm just falling through groundless space'

 

For me its been like the very essence of who I was, my 'self', the person who defined 'me' and everything I did, has been disintegrating, leaving nothing but this intense awareness of everything, but nothing to guide me, nothing to hang onto, nowhere to rest. 

 

'fear of existence itself' also resonates with me.  I remember one evening, probably about a year ago, I was in my kitchen, trying to make something to eat because I needed to eat to stay alive.  I wasn't feeling too bad, but I had an overwhelming sense that the burden of continuing to exist was too much, but it wasn't just my own existence, but all of existence.  Life in all its forms had become somehow wrong..... difficult to put into words really.

 

Perhaps this is similar to what you are going through.  I have to say that its become easier, but I honestly don't know if its 'gone away' or if I've just become accustomed to experiencing life this way.  Whatever this is, it does get better in time.  I still have the sense that I'm free falling through life but nothing particularly bad has happened and the fear is fading away.  Just breathe and keep going one step at a time.  You will get through this, we all will if we keep going.

 

One of my favorite quotes, Winston Churchill I think, said "When you are going through hell, keep going"

[LoveandLight]

That describes how I feel perfectly.

[Wildflower0214]

That describes how I feel perfectly.

Glad Petu showed up... I was trying to get it, but couldnt. :-/ it's nice to at least know u are not alone.

[LoveandLight]

Thank you for trying to get it though xx

[Wildflower0214]

Your most welcome

[JackalSmacker]

Wow, you guys summed up my feelings (when they become overwhelming, as they are right now) perfectly. It's pretty terrifying, that feeling of just hurtling through life without being connected to anything. It's like falling down a never-ending hole with no ledge or branch to grab onto. And Petu, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the seeming improbability of life carrying on at times. Some days I look out the window and think that every being must be feeling the way I do: just staggering along and basically waiting for it to all end. "Fear of existence" is a very concise way to put it. Lately it has astounded me whenever people discuss plans for the future, whether it be a week from now, a month, or a year. I think, "How do you have the energy and foresight to consider something like that?" Right now just showering, eating, getting dressed and going to work feel like a major accomplishment. Then I hear my friend mention something about building a deck over the weekend and I panic with the thought of how much mental and physical energy that must take. Daunting, the say the least.

[LoveandLight]

I'm wondering if it was triggered by coffee I had in a restaurant, I'm thinking it was regular instead of the decaf I asked for, maybe not though.

[LoveandLight]

Sorry you feel like this too, jackal smacker, it's pretty horrendous.

[LoveandLight]

Nothing to guide you - totally relate to that..nothing, least of any of my thoughts make any sense at all.

[Petunia]

 Some days I look out the window and think that every being must be feeling the way I do: just staggering along and basically waiting for it to all end.....

 

...Then I hear my friend mention something about building a deck over the weekend and I panic with the thought of how much mental and physical energy that must take.

 

JS, you reminded me, I've been doing this too, projecting my own subjective state onto everyone else.... and then when they talk about their own plans/responsibilities, I also experience a sudden surge of panic, and in the moment of confusion I don't know if I'm feeling my own feelings or theirs.

 

I have to constantly remind myself that its just me experiencing life in this extreme way at the moment, other people are not seeing what I'm seeing or feeling what I'm feeling.... they are fine.

 

 

I'm wondering if it was triggered by coffee I had in a restaurant, I'm thinking it was regular instead of the decaf I asked for, maybe not though.

 

It might have been, I can't even drink weak tea.  Not being able to drink regular coffee when you go out does add another element of fear to life, I discovered that recently when I ordered decaff and the person I was with had regular.  When the coffee arrived, there was some confusion about which one was which and I noticed my anxiety level went way up at the prospect of accidentally drinking regular coffee.

[LoveandLight]

In such confusion. It really annoys me that whilst I've been going through this 'chemical anxiety' for years, professionals that gave me the meds would try and teach me mindfulness..it just doesn't work when in this. I feel that everything that I can see and think confuses me..like everything that I can see..I don't just see it but I think about it..I just want to sleep through this. I don't think I'm making much sense at all but I'm just wondering if other people have experienced this..my mind is going at a million miles an hr but It's just a jumble of thoughts that aren't making sense. I'm not sure if this is just another form of derealisation but the physical world instead of just seeing it, seems to be producing confusion. Again, it is painful to exist.

[JackalSmacker]

I feel you, Joannad. I am almost to the point where I want to go back up to 50 mg and just stay there for the rest of my life - or at least until they develop a treatment or med that will provide adequate relief. I was not entirely happy while on that amount of medication but it was heads above how I'm feeling now. It would be one thing if I was having sporadic windows where I felt some connectedness to urge me on, but as it is there is nothing but fear and pain.

[LoveandLight]

So sorry JS, yes I totally know how you feel. But I wasn't really very well for years on either..so it's a rock and a hard place. I have had windows but this seems one of the longest and hardest wave yet. How long have you been in a wave? What I was trying to say earlier, is the physical world seems confusing, like I can see everything is separate but to my confused mind it feels that when I look at the physical world it's all too much and I'm overwhelmed by objects, sounds, everything. And when I see hear something, I still see hear this over and over for ages..like everything is happening at once, instead of segments of time.

[Wildflower0214]

How are you coping? Did it lighten any?