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Cannot find meaning


LoveandLight

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So I've had moments of feeling 'normal' so to speak whilst withdrawing but some perspective seems persistent. To be honest, I do not 'get' working life. For example, I'm working at a nursing home, cleaning ( I'm took anxious to do care) but this job only exists due to other peoples deterioration, so I feel like I'm profiting from people's illness. These people maybe worked to the bone all there lives just to end up in effectively a badly run hostel, although creating jobs for other people. The carers and nurses are worked to the point of breakdown, due to poor working conditions and the inability to keep a good number of staff.

 

Other jobs I've done - cafés - also I've felt that they do not hire enough staff so that I'm trying to do the job of three people. Also it feels that it requires 'acting'. So you need to be a good actor for customer service jobs.

 

Retail - I don't get the 'point'. That's all I can say.

 

Support work for adults with learning disabilities - I feel that there is a big divide between workers who are seen as normal and the clients. And god knows, what there are medicated with..certainly a lot of medications to control whatever it is that is perceived needs controlling.

 

Hospitality work - again requires a certain amount of acting..people work a certain amount to get time off to come to another place which requires people to work.

 

Haha :) I just don't seem to get it all really..Money and work don't seem to make sense..anyone else feel this? what would be the alternative..maybe just need to live in a hippy commune the rest of my life.

 

Something that has re-ignited this question in me is being able to sense some wellness at some times again and wondering how to resume rebuild my life and also the fact that these medications which I believe have made me ill is produced for profit - this is not something I even considered before - I thought some caring nice company produced them - really !

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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My own withdrawal experience has also been a catalyst for lots of questions, disillusionment and waking up to reality on a new level.  I'm sorry, I don't have any acceptable answers (yet), I'm still trying to recover, figure out how to live now and find new meaning.

 

Working for money stopped making sense to me when I was a teenager, about the time when I started doing it myself.  It seemed to me that I was spending my valuable time doing something I didn't want to be doing to get something which had little value in itself.  Then I would spend the money on something I thought would bring happiness, but that was usually short lived.  I think, ideally, work should be something which brings its own rewards, but I think that's a luxury not many people are able to get or sustain for long.

 

For example, I'm working at a nursing home, cleaning ( I'm took anxious to do care) but this job only exists due to other peoples deterioration, so I feel like I'm profiting from people's illness.

 

In a 'more natural' and in my opinion nicer society, these people would be cared for by loved ones in extended family groups, but western society has 'evolved' now, we are all too busy or for other reasons unable to provide this kind of care, but its still needed.  Who would take care of these people and provide the facilities and services they need if you don't do it for some reason (money).  I agree with you that the systems we live in are far from ideal and communal living does seem like a better alternative, but from what I understand, no human society has ever been without problems.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hello Joannad,

 

I would say that the kind of questions you are asking yourself are in a way also a part of withdrawal. When I am in a bad state, I also feel compelled to make them and see a total lack of meaning and absurdity in everything around me. A certain: what's the point in all this?

 

This kind of thinking has for me become a measure of my unwellness. 

 

Many years after my mental breakdown at 19 when everything lost meaning, I simply decided not to look for meaning and answers to big questions but to rather focus on everyday living and on being kind to myself. I live my life thinking that meaning will come along the way and when in doubt feel inspired by people like mother Theresa: although we don't see the meaning in anything, we can still continue doing our fair share, being kind or smile at one elderly person. We won't change the condition in which they live but on the other hand, even the slightest act of kindness will unavoidably change it. Then we see that a meaning emerges.

 

When I look at the situations you describe from my present state which is that of more or less sturdy psychic I see lots of meaning: you are not profiting from other people's illness (only), you are doing something that makes a big difference to them and contributes to their human dignity. Yes, being looked after extended family would've been much more preferable but we humans all belong to one family and here they are being taken care of by fellow humans instead of being left on their own.

 

The waiter at the coffee shop I visit with my colleagues during our break engages with us, we share little things with him, talk about his family so he doesn't have to act that he is being nice. He is living his life while working and earning money.

 

Of course there is lot that sucks in support work for adults with learning disabilities and their situation can be very depressing but on the other hand there is lot that can be learnt from them. Hospitality work can give us an opportunity to share in the joy of simply being a human being on a move, like an ant without much higher purpose (or at least not the one that we are aware of).

 

I remember traveling through Chicago airport. I noticed a guy who had a very bizzare job. His job was apparently to make sure that people stand in lines and direct them to adequate lines. That is indeed pretty meaningless. There was a family with 5 kids and they all had loads of backpacks which couldn't even be wheeled so they were clogging the passage. I was amazed to see that instead of getting annoyed with them he took some of their bags to show them what to do and started talking with them about where they were travelling to and so on. He wasn't pulling bags. He was meeting people. All the staff I ran into was extremely friendly. Maybe it was my lucky day. A woman who was helping to find my suitcase told me a story about goldilocks and bears, a salesperson told me that the T-shirt I was buying would be too small for me so he learnt I was buying gifts for my sister. For all of them it was an opportunity to meet somebody from the other part of the world. They asked me about my country and so on. It was not just a job but human interaction.

 

As somebody who has seen world both as something absurd and meaningless and as a simple joy of being alive without the need to look for a deeper meaning I can say that this feeling of loss of meaning to everything is one of many faces of my internal disintegration and mental anguish. When I feel better within myself all these questions stop and I am simply able to be present in what I do, find meaning everywhere I look and feel grateful. 

 

I hope you don't mind me sharing this experience ;)

 

Bubble

Current: Xanax 0.26 (down from 2 mg in 2013), Lexapro 2.85 mg (down from 5 mg 2013)

Amitriptyline (tricyclic AD) and clonazepam for 3 months to treat headache in 1996 
1999. - present Xanax prn up to 3 mg.
2000-2005 Prozac CT twice, 2005-2010 Zoloft CT 3 times, 2010-2013 Escitalopram 10 mg
went from 2.5 to zero on 7 Aug 2013, bad crash 40 days after
reinstated to 5 mg Escitalopram 4Oct 2013 and holding liquid Xanax every 5 hours
28 Jan 2014 Xanax 1.9, 18 Apr  2015 1 mg,  25 June 2015 Lex 4.8, 6 Aug Lexapro 4.6, 1 Jan 2016 0.64  Xanax     9 month hold

24 Sept 2016 4.5 Lex, 17 Oct 4.4 Lex (Nov 0.63 Xanax, Dec 0.625 Xanax), 1 Jan 2017 4.3 Lex, 24 Jan 4.2, 5 Feb 4.1, 24 Mar 4 mg, 10 Apr 3.9 mg, May 3.85, June 3.8, July 3.75, 22 July 3.7, 15 Aug 3.65, 17 Sept 3.6, 1 Jan 2018 3.55, 19 Jan 3.5, 16 Mar 3.4, 14 Apr 3.3, 23 May 3.2, 16 June 3.15, 15 Jul 3.1, 31 Jul 3, 21 Aug 2.9 26 Sept 2.85, 14 Nov Xan 0.61, 1 Dec 0.59, 19 Dec 0.58, 4 Jan 0.565, 6 Feb 0.55, 20 Feb 0.535, 1 Mar 0.505, 10 Mar 0.475, 14 Mar 0.45, 4 Apr 0.415, 13 Apr 0.37, 21 Apr 0.33, 29 Apr 0.29, 10 May 0.27, 17 May 0.25, 28 May 0.22, 19 June 0.22, 21 Jun updose to 0.24, 24 Jun updose to 0.26

Supplements: Omega 3 + Vit E, Vit C, D, magnesium, Taurine, probiotic 

I'm not a medical professional. Any advice I give is based on my own experience and reading. 

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Not that is great Bubble, thank you. I think it actually is a reflection on myself..a lot more work t do ..

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to post

I have to say that both my father and father-in-law suffered illnesses (head injury and dementia) that we struggled to manage at home for several years, but eventually could not. We are so grateful for everyone who touched their lives in any way. I have worked in healthcare mostly since I was 16...I know there are many on housekeeping staffs who have touched patients, families, and other workers in profound ways. If you can add a smile, spot a danger before someone is hurt, wonderful, if not, just mopping is greatly appreciated. But sometimes in WD, if you were a university president, it would seem worthless.

1st round Prozac 1989/90, clear depression symptoms. 2nd round Prozac started 1999 when admitted to dr. I was tired. Prozac pooped out, switch to Cymbalta 3/2006. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder due to mania 6/2006--then I was taken abruptly off Cymbalta and didn't know I had SSRI withdrawal. Lots of meds for my intractable "bipolar" symptoms.

Zyprexa started about 9/06, mostly 5mg. Tapered 4/12 through12/29/12

Wellbutrin. XL 300 mg started 1/07, tapered 1/18/13 through 7/8/13

Oxazepam mostly continuously since 6/06, 30mg since 12/12, tapered 1.17.14 through 8.26.15

11/06 Lithium 600mg twice daily, 2.2.14 400mg TID DIY liquid, 2.12.14 1150mg, 3.2.14 1100mg, 3.18.14 1075mg, 4/14 updose to 1100mg, 6.1.14 900 mg capsules 7.8.14 810mg, 8.17.14 725mg, 8.24.24 700mg...10.22.14 487.5mg, 3.9.15 475mg, 4.1.15 462.5mg 4.21.15 450mg 8.11.15 375mg, 11.28.15 362.5mg, back to 375mg four days later, 3.4.16 updose to 475 (too much going on to risk trouble)

9/4/13 Toprol-XL 25mg daily for sudden hypertension, tapered 11.12.13 through 5.3.14, last 10 days or so switched to atenolol

7.4.14 Started Walsh Protocol

56 years old

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Yes! I think in withdrawal but also as have depression anxiety most of life everything just seems such a struggle

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to post

Thank you for sharing I do enjoy speaking with the residents

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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