Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Cdav]

WiggleIt, that is GREAT advice! It really made a click for me. Thank you so much! You're completely right. There is no rush, and I've already taken so long to record this album due to my health issues, that it won't matter if I take a little longer to give it my best to promote it. 

 

Thanks, and I think it's really nice that you worked in the music industry. 

[Cdav]

Depression last week was really really scary. I'm still struggling a little bit with it, but it has improved. 

 

Started last week with Lamictal, since according to my doctor it has helped people with withdrawal and flashbacks from amphetamine use. He says amphetamines and antidepressants work in a similar way on neurotransmitters. I'm currently taking 25 mg of lamictal and I think it's helping. I'm tolerating it well. At first I was too scared to take it, because I know there might be Withdrawal symptoms from this medicine too, but I've been so ill I wanted to give it a try. So far it seems to be helping with depression. 

[LoveandLight]

That's great to hear..at least your doc has some clue..mine does not!

[Cdav]

Yes Joannad, I'm lucky to have a Dr. who is constantly doing research to try to help me. He was not the Dr. who first put me on AD's years ago, but he did make some mistakes along the way with the merry-go-round of meds, but he learned a lot about this condition from those mistakes. So even if I've been angry at him, I'm also thankful right now. 

[Cdav]

Could someone give me some insight or advice on how to let go of bitterness? I've felt much better physically and the WD depression has lessened a lot this past week, thank God.

 

But whenever I have a decrease of symptoms I can see outside of myself and look at how the world has kept on going, but not me. I look back and see how ill I've been, how disconnected from life, from people, from everything. 

 

I feel a lot of bitterness and anger for all the time I've lost. All that I could've achieved. I compare myself to others who are healthy and feel a very horrible surge of jealousy (This is the biggest psychological issue for me).  I don't think these feelings will help on my long term recovery and I don't know how to get rid of them. 

 

Any advice? 

[mammaP]

I totally understand what you mean, I have been very bitter too, over 20 years of my life has gone since I 

shot down the psychiatric rabbit warren and I will never get those years back. It is normal for us to be angry

and hurt at what has happened to us. They are normal feelings and are stronger because our brains are

recovering, feeling again was a big thing for me and still is. I find myself getting annoyed at things that may

be trivial but I am feeling, it is a natural emotion and grief for what is lost, those years. The grief has to be

worked through and not suppressed, so just carry on feeling it for now. It will lessen in intensity, and you will

be able to move on. 

 

That is how I see it, I am working on it myself and it is getting easier now, neuro emotions come to mind,  in 

withdrawal emotions are heightened, in my case disappointments were utterly devastating and when I had a

window it was AMAZING and I was so incredibly happy to be able to just go for a walk!  It does get better, don't

worry too much about it. 

[LoveandLight]

I totally get what you mean..I feel I haven't been here for 6 years and then before that I wasn't really either but I didn't realise..and now I see how the world has kept going and feel I've got a lot of catching up to do. Xx

[Cdav]

Thank you MammaP and Joannad. What I was feeling certainly was neuroemotions and mostly related to PMS. It got really bad this month and I'm not sure if it's still WD that gets worse with hormones, or just me. I was in hell two days before my period. Extremely irritable, depressed, tired, and seeing everything in a very negative way. I broke up with my boyfriend during those days, thinking I didn't love him (But I do love him). I screamed, I threw things and broke them, I was another person. But the most scary part is that I got a lot of intrusive thoughts about wanting to die. 

 

What can be done when Withdrawal and hormones come together? I've heard primrose oil can help, but I've had bad reactions to fish oil, so I'm a little scared to try it. I don't want next month to be the same. The agitation and suicidal thoughts are very scary. Please, any advice on this? 

[Petunia]

Hi Cdav,

I'm sorry to hear that you had some really bad days this month.  Its never good to make important decisions, like ending relationships, while in withdrawal.  Neuro-emotions trick us into believing things which aren't true, which you found out.  Were you able to repair things with your boyfriend?  I hope so.

 

I've had some experience with evening primrose oil.  I can't tolerate fish oil either and I tried EPO for a while, I only ever took one capsule per day and I found that it didn't help, but I don't think it really made me worse, so perhaps you could try it.

[WiggleIt]

Oh, Cdav, my periods in wd have been awful. Screaming, throwing things also. I have been trying very hard not to allow The emotional rise of PMS plus withdrawal drive me to extreme anger and I have managed to calm myself a few times when I thought I was going to explode. Instead of directing my anger specifically towards a person, I have allowed myself instead to grab a pillow, put it up to my face and scream as loud as I can until I am all screamed out.

 

I have regretted so much when I have said horrible things to my parents due to the combination of PMS and withdrawal, so I just have tried to find ways to release the anger without hurting myself or anyone else. Sometimes that means punching the mattress on my bed repeatedly, but at least it means I'm not breaking nice things in my own bedroom. This methods have actually helped me because they have shown me that I can still allow myself to be angry without causing damage. And I believe that these methods are slowly helping me realize that each time I am angry, I can be a little bit less angry. First, I was angry at a chair and I broke it. Then, I was angry at my makeup kit and I broke it. Then, I was angry at my mattress and I punched it. Little by little, I am showing myself that when I have a giant surge of emotion, there is always a teeny tiny window where I have a choice, a choice of how I am going to channel that anger. And what I have found out is that little by little I can channel that anger in smaller and smaller Waze, until Sunday I will be able to channel that anger like the normal person I used to be, where I would feel angry for a moment and then I would let it go, because I was never an angry person.

 

I truly believe you can get there also. Next time you have a surge of anger, realize that there is a moment where you have a choice, a small moment or you can choose what to do with the anger and you can direct that anger in a slightly softer way each time until it is better. Just try it and let me know how it goes.

[WiggleIt]

Oops, there are one or two typos above bc I dictated into my telephone so I didn't have to look at the screen. Hopefully it all makes sense, though.

[Cdav]

Petu, thank you for your words and advice. Yes, things were fixed with my bf. He's used to this almost every month during during my PMS. Sometimes it's not as bad as it was this month. I might try primrose oil and see if it helps a little.  

 

Wiggle, thank you for your advice too. I've thrown and broken so many things during PMS/Withdrawal: a mirror, the remote control of car keys, a couple   of coffee mugs (with the coffee in it), and even punched my bf a few times. I was never a violent person before all of this. My boyfriend has been really patient because he knows I'm a good person during my good moments. It had been a while since I had such a violent PMS, though. Hopefully next time is better, and I'll try your suggestion about trying to channel it. I think I'm getting better at it, but sometimes it's hard to have control of myself.

[WiggleIt]

Even if you can't control the anger yet, direct it at a pillow or mattress so that you don't hurt yourself, or have any regrets later.

I'm so glad Petu gave you such great advice and that things are fixed with your bf!

[Altostrata]

Cdav, I've started a topic for people in Mexico here http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8026-mexico-members-please-check-in-here/

[Cdav]

Thank you Wiggle, for your advice, I really appreciate it. 

 

Alostrata, thank you for starting that topic for people in Mexico, I think it will be very helpful. 

[Cdav]

My depression just doesn't lift, I've been crying everyday during most parts of the day, except when I have to force myself to go to work. 

 

So a week ago I tried Sam-E along with a vitamin B complex plus L-methylfolate. BAD IDEA! I really knew it was very risky to do this, but I can't cope with this depression it's extremely painful, so I gave it a try. 

 

The first 2 days I just felt horrible stomach ache and heartburn. Then on the weekend I started to feel a lot of dizziness and vertigo, anxiety, horrible head sensations, akathisia and whole body jerking while trying to fall asleep.  Today I stopped taking those supplements, but I'm still feeling these same symptoms. I don't know how long they will last, and I don't know how to get through this depression. I'm walking,  praying, trying to  meditate, I'm trying to think positively, but the depression feels on my whole body and mind and I cannot make it go away, plus the RLS/akathisia, it's killing me.

[LoveandLight]

I'm so sorry I wish I could do something or say something to help, I know how terrible it is.

 

Hug x

[WiggleIt]

I promise I will get back to you with the poems! I'm a little rough myself right now and am sorry to hear about the depression.

 

I would give anything to make your symptoms go away, but we know they will with time...

[Cdav]

Thank you Joannad. 

 

Thank you Wiggle. Don't worry about the poems, when you feel a little bit better, then you can send them if you want to

 

I really wish this recovery could be faster for all of us. 

[Cdav]

I came down with a very bad flu with fever the last couple of days. I've been bed bound. But strangely, the depression has lifted a little bit. 

 

The symptom I'm having right now is Restless Legs. The crawling, itching feeling and unbearable need to move them. I had this last November and it was really bad. It's not extremely bad this time, but it is uncomfortable and gives me anxiety. 

[Cdav]

Depression is away, Thank God! I hope it stays like that. 

 

Symptoms are physical, but I can cope with them, not with the dark depression. 

 

Lots and lots of RESTLESS LEGS, and this sensation also feels on the back of my head and through my spinal cord. Really Really uncomfortable. Random twitching on my legs, but much less than at other times. I can't stop pacing and it's difficult to sit or lay down.  Hope this goes away soon. 

[Frustrated]

Oh I detest the muscle twitching in my legs. Sometimes it feels like the muscles will seize. I also have weird sensations and crawly feeling down my spine. Must be an annoying WD thing.

[Cdav]

I know Frustrated, the crawly feelings are horrible. 

 

These crawly feelings were moderate, after a couple of hours they became full blown akathisia. It almost feels like I'm going to have a seizure, I can't stop moving, I can't stand this. I am crying, I am angry. I'm not depressed, I just want to jump out of my skin. It's torture. 

[Cdav]

I'm taking an antibiotic because of the flu infection I had with fever. I wonder if the antibiotic could be causing this flare up of akathisia. I need for it to stop. 

[Frustrated]

That is a very definite possibility. Antibiotics are troublesome but sometimes needed. I finally caved and took robaxicet because I couldn't deal with the pain in my neck and back anymore. We all just need to try to survive one day at a time. Hope you feel better soon.

[Cdav]

Thank you Frustrated. I talked to my pdoc and he said the antibiotic I'm taking can cause the akathisia. This antibiotic was prescribed by a otolaryngologist for my sinus infection. My pdoc switched me to another antibiotic which has less effect on the nervous system. 

 

Yes, I guess sometimes it's so unbearable we do need some sort of medication when extremely necessary. I just took 10 mg of propanolol, I hope it helps.

 

Surviving, one day at a time. It's a LONG road. 

[spectio]

Hey, Cdav, I'm so sorry you're feeling so miserable! Just wanted to ask what the Propanolol is for. Do you have hypertension?

Hang in there!!

[Cdav]

Hi Spectio, Propanolol is for high blood pressure, but I don't have hypertension. It's also used to treat akathisia (caused by drugs). I had to use it as an emergency after the antibiotic I was taking cause this bad reaction. It helped with the akathisia, but I think it made me depressed again. 

[LoveandLight]

Goodness CDAV hope you get a break soon x

[Cdav]

Thank you Joannad

 

 

After a couple of hours of waking up depressed, the akathisia is back. Now I'm in a rage and crying bout and with the akathisia. I already threw and broke some things. I can't be around anyone. I just wish so badly to not be in my body right now. This is very distressing. 

[WiggleIt]

Did you try to attack any pillows this time, Cdav?  Try to remember to direct your anger toward the pillows… Oh, I wish this would let up for you.

[Cdav]

Yes Wiggle, I punched some pillows and jumped and kicked around like a maniac. Thew stuff that was on my desk.  Then my mom brought me a glass of water and more klonopin (more than the small dose I still take) to try to calm me down, I tossed the glass with all my rage. I'm feeling so bad about having done this after she was trying to help me. I tried tearing papers, screaming (aphonic right now). I finally gave in to the benzo, since I couldn't stand this akathisia torture anymore, it's impossible. The benzo kicked in, I'm feeling "better", sedated, sad, but the akathisia lowered down for now. 

 

Thank you for your good wishes. I'm thankful to have people here that can understand this. Loved ones try to understand but they cannot because they haven't gone through this, and thank God they haven't! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. No one should have to go through this, it's not natural, it's not human, it's drug S/E or drug withdrawal induced. 

[spectio]

Hi, cdav, I really feel for you! What does your AKATHISIA feel like? I've always called my "internal restlessness" Akathisia. It's just like all your cells are vibrating and jittery from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet. It's worse in the a.m., actually until about three or four o'clock. Then I tend to become tired. It's really hard to explain. I always try to leave anxiety out of the description, especially when I have to see a doctor. Most of the time I can tell they have already labelled it as anxiety. But I don't look at it that way.

 

Do you think the lamictal may be turning on you? I don't have any experience with lamictal but remember Alto saying it should be taken low and slow, and problems can arise with it too.

 

I'm not sure doctors adding more drugs is a good thing. Your history reminds me of mine. I was on Remeron for eleven years. The psych tried other drugs to counteract the side effects of the primary drug believing it was my condition and not my brain toxic from eleven years of remeron.

 

Are you sure your b.p. Is okay? And the Propanolol I believe is a beta blocker. I tried it for a few days and had the worse depression ever. Beta blockers have a reputation of causing depression even in "normal" people.

 

Don't forget simple techniques like deep breathing. Just do slow deep breathing when you have the worse attacks. It helps me.

[WiggleIt]

Maybe this will cheer you up... This is a singer that someone recommended to me. She's not famous or anything, but this song is pretty and I thought you might like it...

 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WeBPKCtUC9M

[Cdav]

Thank you for you tips Spectio, 

Akathisia for me manifests in different ways. Sometimes I feel it in my whole body, sometimes only on my legs, sometimes just one leg, sometimes my arms, or just one arm. Sometimes I also feel like like you do, that all my cells are vibrating and I want to escape my body, and I can't stop moving. It also feels creepy-crawly on my skin, my spinal chord and back of my head (like when nails scratch on a chalkboard) and depending on the gravity of it, I can sometimes deal with it, or sometimes I just can't and thus I become irritable, dysphoric, and feel like I'm being extremely tortured. I feel really foggy and confused, making me feel like I'm in a nightmare. But like you said, it's not anxiety. Anxiety is very different, I'd rather just have anxiety and not this. 

 

I think you might be right, I'm starting to suspect it might be the Lamictal. The doctor updosed to 50 mg 2 weeks ago, then to 100 mg last week. I was waiting to update my signature until I saw what effects this had on me. I'm 90% sure Lamictal is the culprit, and the antibiotic just intensified it even more, but I was already feeling this 2 days before taking the antibiotic (I had also added sam-e) but I discontinued it 3 days after adding it. Doctor says it cannot be Lamictal, that it has to be the discontinuation syndrome still. I'm going to drop Lamictal to 25 mg for a couple days and see if the akathisia gets better. 

 

I think my b.p. is okay, not sure. I've read before that Propanolol can cause depression. It might have just added to all the dysphoria and irritability I'm already having. 

 

Really suffering right now, thank you for passing by and taking the time to write. 

[Cdav]

Thank you very much Wiggle, it's very kind of you to try to cheer me up. I really appreciate it. 

 

I can't listen to music right now  I don't know exactly why, I can't stand any sound or noise at all.  I'm wearing earplugs. 

 

I'll listen to it later when I feel a little better.