Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Cdav]

Feeling better today. I think the antihistaminic and antibiotic I took really messed me up. Maybe the updosing of lamictal also, not sure. I'm just thankful the akathisia diminished almost to zero. Still having some head symtpoms but much more tolerable.

 

 

Wiggle, I was able to watch the video today. I really liked her voice and music very much. I hope someday I can be singing and sharing my music on a regular basis without the upredictability of what the state of my body and/or mind will be like next. I'm really trying to visualize that and to have hope. Muchas gracias por animarme

[Alexander]

Understand how you feel.  A year off seroxat and I've lost creativity and pleasure in anything.  Having a prolonged wave of despair, can't sleep, hate my life and everyone in it.  So tired of being in my skin.  Won't go near a doctor.  Can't sleep, can't sleep.    Just exist through the day.   Hope for better times to come, don't want to be like this.

[WiggleIt]

Cdav, I'm glad you got a spot where you could enjoy hearing music again! The same has actually happened to me where I couldn't stand to listen to anything.

 

I'm so sorry that the other meds caused ickiness y espero que continúes a sentirte mejor.

[Cdav]

Gracias Wiggle, 

 

I am feeling better, actually being able to write some songs, and focus a bit more on other things I hadn't been able. I'm having a lot of involuntary movements again, and they wake me up at night. But I'm just trying to accept whatever symptoms I have right now. Depression has lifted a lot, so that's a relief. 

[LoveandLight]

that's great. Glad for you

[Cdav]

Thank you Joannad

[WiggleIt]

Hola Cdav…Estoy tan triste de oír que tan han vuelto los movimientos, pero por lo menos has estado menos deprimida.  Siempro rezo por ti.

[WiggleIt]

?Estas bien? No has escrito en unos días.  Ojala que estés saliendo y cantando, demasiado ocupada y alegre para visitar esta pagina!

[Cdav]

Hola Wiggle, 

 

I'm doing okayish. Been very busy because my brother just got married this past saturday and my other brother came from Los Angeles to visit for the wedding. I had a very good time at the wedding. Been struggling with RLS and some PMSing, but trying to get by. 

 

Thank you for passing by my thread to check on me  

[Cdav]

Hi, checking in and updating. I'm a bit embarassed about what I've let the doctor do with me. 

 

Two weeks ago I stopped the low dose of Elavil I was taking and switched to a new antidepressant Brintellix. I did this because I was feeling extremely depressed and the doctor told me this was a new kind of antidepressant and wouldn't cause akathisia (like all other srri's have after being sensitized by withdrawal). He was mistaken. First I felt nausea and dizziness from the switch of meds, then I did feel a  lot of improvement in my mood but within  a few days AKATHISIA started torturing me again, and RLS got insane. I discontinued a week ago, and now I'm having brain zaps, still a lot of akathisia and RLS, suicidal thoughts and urges, I feel like there is no end to this.

 

I regret ever coming off Pristiq 3 years ago , becaue I was fine on it, until I went through withdrawal. I would've rather stayed on the f***ng drug the rest of my life than have to go through all that I've gone through. My life is ruined. Or at least it seems like that right now. There's still a part of me that wishes meds could help me, and then I remember (the hard way), that they make everything worse for me now. But I don't know what to do with my depression. It's either suicidal depression without meds or suicidal akathisia with meds. And then the akathisia lingers without the meds too. 

 

I'm hanging in there, but the restlessness from the akathisia makes me want to die. I can't do this anymore. Why isn't there a cure for all of us! I'm screaming and crying hysterically, why isn't there a cure for all of us? Why do we have to wait so long? Why??? God! I'm tired, I can't go one more day with akathisia and brain zaps. I just can't. 

 

I'm sorry for this negative update. 

[LoveandLight]

Aww so sorry I know the desperation hugs xx

[WiggleIt]

Ay, no, Cdav, estoy tan triste de oír esto.  Yo esperaba que la razón que habías escrito es porque has estado mejor y que tal vez no necesitabas visitar la pagina.  Me parte el alma descubrir que no es el caso.

 

?Porque continua tu doctor recetarte nuevas medicinas?  Yo pensé que el sabia que mas medicinas te podrían "destabilize."  Estoy no es tu culpa, no hay que estar avergonzada.  Es la culpa del doctor.  

[Cdav]

Wiggle, es culpa del doctor, pero también es mi culpa. I knew better. I was very skeptical but desperate to make it through my brother's wedding without crying all day long. The depression did lift, but the akathisia is much more unbearable than depression. I managed to enjoy myself (not as much as I would've liked to) at he wedding taking benzos and anticholinergics. 

 

I feel like I stepped back a million miles on the progress I had made. I feel terrible. 

[Cdav]

I don't know how I will survive this LEVEL of AKATHISIA. There are no words to describe the agony I feel in my body.  I've had to use more klonopin during the day and I'm scared of doing this. But it's either the "relief" klonopin brings to the akathisia or death. There's no other way right now. 

[spectio]

Hey, Cdav, I think I really HATE your doctor. He is just one more charlatan more interested in experimenting with your brain than doing some intelligent healing. How many times does he have to throw you into the path of a bus to see the expected results.

 

I was just reading about this "new" drug. It also is an SSRI, except unlike the other SSRI 's, this one is known to both increase and decrease glutamate in your brain simultaneously. Great! So now you have a gravely unstable, desperate to heal brain, and this phoney pours acid on top of it. Wow! No wonder you feel so horrible. I don't know what to say to help you other than thank god you are no longer on it.

 

I know how bad this is but you've got to dig deep, do a lot of deep breathing and fall out ot trust in drugs and doctors. I've been down a similar path, one that included an antipsychotic and altzheimers meds. I remember being so stimulated I could hardly sit still. That went on for MONTHS. I am 42 months off ALL Meds and the AKATHISIA is definitely better but not gone. This thing takes a lot of strength to navigate and an unpredictable amount of time but you now what the alternative is.

 

Please be strong and just take it one day at a time, without hoping the drugs will fix this. They will not. And your doctor DOESNT have a clue!

[Cdav]

Spectio, 

 

thank you for your words. You are right, I'm extremely angry at my doctor and I don't want to see him again. He already knew I can't tolerate srri's, he knew they gave me horrible akathisia. But he insisted Brintellix was the most "atypica"l of the "atypical" antidepressants, and wouldn't cause any problems. He was WRONG. Actually I filled the prescription but didn't take it for a week and then he insisted I take it, so I did. That's why I feel stupid because I already knew it would harm me more.  

 

The positive thing, like I said before, is that I stopped crying every single day, and this allowed me to have a relatively good time at my brother's wedding, with klonopin to ease the akathisia.  So at least I survived this event which was really important to me. 

 

But now I'm off brintellix and I'm off any antidepressnt. Just taking benzos and biperiden for the akathisiia. Brain zaps seem to be lessening but they are still there. I don't know if I should reinstate elavil, or something. I don't know where to go from here. I've caused such a horrible mess in my brain and body. Now I'll probably have to wait much longer to recover. 

[spectio]

Hi, Cdav, I felt bad for responding to your terrible experience so bluntly. I genuinely know how desperate and betrayed you feel.

We just want someone to help us and all they can do is continue to propogate the misery. I still believe the depression you've been struggling with is entirely due to this constant boomeranging of meds, no meds, etc. etc. You' ve really been through the mill, sweetie.

 

But you can take this on an entirely new trajectory by assuming you are in withdrawal and stay the course. It will not happen quickly. You'll have many, many bad days. I wish I could tell you otherwise. It's a LOT of suffering to endure. But everyday you come through is a day your brain will calm down and start healing.

 

Have you covered your "non medicine therapies"? I really does matter to eat right and regularly, to get some exercise, get some sunshine everyday, try to get regular sleep. This sounds like placebo but this is what your body wants. You probably need to get your vit b12 and vitamin D levels checked.

 

Hang in there!! We all know how absolutely miserable this is. One day at a time.

[Cdav]

Thank you Spectio,

 

I am completely sure this horrible depression is a cause of all the meds and bad reactions I've had to them. This depression cannot compare to the "original" depression I was medicated for many years ago. The thing is depression runs in my family, and some members of my family are medicated and feel better with their meds and have not had any trouble with withdrawal or intolerable side effects.  So when they see me crying all day long and suffering so much they think I need meds (and sometimes I think so too). They still don't fully understand that another antidepressant is poison for me, and they just want me to feel better, so since meds work for them, they think they have to work for me, not cause me more damage. They're finally beginning to understand my problem, though, and they are very supportive and loving.  I don't know what I'd do without them. 

 

I'm trying to do the best I can to survive one day at a time. Everyday I just wish the day to be over quickly. I cannot feel comfortable in my own body and mind right now. I'm in a lot of distress, akathisia and RLS are through the roof. Waves of dark depression. I'm still blaming myself for trying more meds on top of a very vulnerable brain and nervous system.  I've done these several times and I never learn this is no longer an option for me, I'm always so desperate to feel better and I forget my brain is hipersensitive and recovering.  

 

I am doing the "non medicine therapies" you talk about, I try to exercise daily, get sunshine, eat well (though my appetite is not very good after this, I'm losing a lot of weight and I'm already a skinny person), everything I can do for myself, I'm doing it. I try to work when I can, but I have the flexibility to miss work if I have to. 

 

I'm thankful there are people like you who know what this is like, but I really wish there was a faster cure for all of us. This seems eternal and unfair. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. 

 

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate you taking the time to write. 

 

[Pugknows]

((((Cdav)))) I'm feeling disheartened as well at the prospect of having to endure this suffering yet another day and I, like you, can't wait until the day ends. It's so sad that our lives have been put on hold and that we are in perpetual agony everyday, as our loved ones get on with their lives without us. We will return to them someday, whole and stronger than ever.

[Cdav]

Thank you for writing, Pugknows. 

 

I'm sorry you're going through this same nightmare. I read a little bit of your info, and I can relate to your experience a little, I can't reinstate because I feel awful when I do this, but I also feel terrible with the withdrawal. I wish I could at least reinstate and feel more stable, but I can't.  

 

I'm in my early 30's, wishing I could have a normal life, get married, have kids, move on with my projects and the dreams I used to have and be comfortable in my body and mind again, but time goes by and I push through each day, and I don't see recovery coming anytime soon. 

 

Sorry for being so negative, I'm really messed up right now. 

 

I can't take my mind off that song from Les Miserables "I dreamed a dream". I'm a singer, and I thank God I can still sing and teach my singing lessons with superhuman effort, sometimes I have to cancel, but most of the time I still manage to go on, I don't know how. 

 

"I had a dream my life would be 

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed". 

[Pugknows]

Your dreams will come true. They're just on hold right now while you heal. When you're 150% recovered, you'll have even better dreams you're going to make happen. I know it's hard to believe now, but you will come out from underneath this dark cloud.(((((Hugs)))))

[Wildflower0214]

Thank you for writing, Pugknows.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this same nightmare. I read a little bit of your info, and I can relate to your experience a little, I can't reinstate because I feel awful when I do this, but I also feel terrible with the withdrawal. I wish I could at least reinstate and feel more stable, but I can't.

 

I'm in my early 30's, wishing I could have a normal life, get married, have kids, move on with my projects and the dreams I used to have and be comfortable in my body and mind again, but time goes by and I push through each day, and I don't see recovery coming anytime soon.

 

Sorry for being so negative, I'm really messed up right now.

 

I can't take my mind off that song from Les Miserables "I dreamed a dream". I'm a singer, and I thank God I can still sing and teach my singing lessons with superhuman effort, sometimes I have to cancel, but most of the time I still manage to go on, I don't know how.

 

"I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed".

This made me cry...the lyrics. I am a vocalist as well. I used to be at least. It was a lifetime ago it seems. I was Cosette in a Les Mis when I was about 10.

 

I remember singing "Castle on a Cloud". I wish I could go there now. I'm just weeping thinking of being a child, of feeling like I had hope for a future. I had dreams as well for a family, for many things. And, I feel like life has killed them. But, I have to stay alive long enough to keep trying, to see if my dreams are really still there.

 

If I let go now, I won't ever know. No one will ever know what could have been. So, I hold on. I hope you will too.

[Fresh]

Hi  Cdav ,    I'm so sorry to read that your akathisia has come back.   It's such a terrible thing , I would never have imagined that such a condition could exist - and then I got it.

The very most important thing for me was to tell myself over and over that it would pass.   The out-of-control intense waves came and went away, so I focussed as much as possible on the WENT AWAY.    

I had a page written of  comforting things that I read often.  

I tried not to focus on the physical sensations , tried to concentrate on talking meditation/relaxation cd's.  I had them playing continuously for months , 24/7.  Just focussing on the voice.  

I walked round and round a chair for hours , body aching with tiredness , but I didn't know what else to do , and it was slow and rhythmical and helped to calm my mind , if not my body. 

I made a video of myself on my phone , and when I watched it when the wave had passed , I was able to reinforce that it comes , and it goes.   Sometimes it was a matter of getting through half an hour at a a time.  

I tried to do little tasks ... I think it helped to give my mind something to concentrate on.  

I gave away the expectation of sleeping .  If I could lay down it was a gift.  I told myself I would fall asleep when my system was  ready for me to , and not a moment before.

 

Cdav  my life has changed so much since before I started antidepressants so long ago.    There are still dreams , they're just different now.  

Best wishes ,  Fresh

[Cdav]

Fresh, thank you for your advice. 

 

Akathisia is a horrible condition to be in, it's indescribable, no one can really understand what it feels like if they haven't felt it themselves. 

I'm glad it went away for you. And I'm going to follow your advice to keep telling myself it will go away. Sometimes walking helps (sometimes it doesn't), but as soon as I stop walking, the sensations come back. I can't stop moving my legs. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and can't wake up from it. 

 

Did you take any medications during your period of akathisia?

 

My life has changed a lot since antidepressant withdrawal syndrome. I think I have matured in many many ways because of this. But still, life is interrupted. Once this is over the little stupid things that caused so much trouble, will not bother me now, probably. 

 

I'm glad you still have dreams and I hope they can come true. 

 

Thank you 

[Cdav]

Your dreams will come true. They're just on hold right now while you heal. When you're 150% recovered, you'll have even better dreams you're going to make happen. I know it's hard to believe now, but you will come out from underneath this dark cloud.(((((Hugs)))))

 

Thank you Pugknows, your words are really touching and comforting. I wish healing for you too.  

[Cdav]

 

This made me cry...the lyrics. I am a vocalist as well. I used to be at least. It was a lifetime ago it seems. I was Cosette in a Les Mis when I was about 10.

 

I remember singing "Castle on a Cloud". I wish I could go there now. I'm just weeping thinking of being a child, of feeling like I had hope for a future. I had dreams as well for a family, for many things. And, I feel like life has killed them. But, I have to stay alive long enough to keep trying, to see if my dreams are really still there.

 

If I let go now, I won't ever know. No one will ever know what could have been. So, I hold on. I hope you will too.

 

 

 

It's so nice that you're also a vocalist. Do you still sing even if it's just for yourself? Singing for me is one of the things that keep me going on. There have been times when I can sing with much more pleasure and energy, right now I have days in which I just don't feel like singing. But I won't stop singing, it's part of who I am. 

 

That is a very nice memory, singing Castle in a cloud as a little girl. I'm sorry life didn't turn out the way you expected. I know this causes very painful and bitter feelings. 

 

We do have to stay alive, and keep holding on and pushing through. I think life has very good things for us and the fact that we're enduring this nightmare is proof that we deserve better things in the future. 

 

Hugs

[Fresh]

                 That's the way Cdav

[Cdav]

Now that I'm completely off antidepressants, I'm beginning to experience some brain zaps again and brain squeezing feelings. I had akathisia during withdrawal before, it got worse trying Brintellix antidepressant this past month, now the akathisia doesn't go away and I really cannot tolerate it one more day. 

 

So I don't know if the akathisia is due to withdrawal or damage from the med I tried (which I regret). I don't know if I should reinstate a micro dose of some milder antidepressant (if there is one) just to get rid of the brain zaps or something. 

 

I don't know what to do at this point. It's all very confusing. I cannot live like this. 

[Pugknows]

I think you answered your own question in your post. I'd stay the course drug free, if possible.

[Cdav]

Yes, I'm going to try to do that. God, this is so hard. If we could only knew how much this will last, it would be much easier to keep pushing through. 

 

Right now saying an affirmation to myself all day long: "My body and mind are healing quickly and easily". 

[Fresh]

Cdav , I tried lots of medications during my withdrawal , but nothing touched the akathisia after a while , so I can't recommend anything in that department.  

 

Like you have , as soon as I stopped walking  , the sensations came back.   So I kept walking.

I did start to get little breaks from it , and would try laying down often , just to rest my body.    I began to doze off sometimes , starting with 10 minute naps

and working my way up.   Of course that had it's own problems in that I became scared of falling asleep because I was in the most terrible panic each time

I woke up.

But it meant things were changing , and I saw that as positive. 

[Cdav]

Fresh, thank God the akathisia went away for you. 

 

I had a mini-window this morning, a couple of hours of complete relief from akathisia, it felt like HEAVEN. I had forgotten the simple pleasure of just being able to sit down and do nothing and enjoy myself just being there. 

 

After those 2 hours or so, some akathisia sensations came back and I was a little sad about that, but it's milder right now. I hope this is a sign the akathisia will be subsiding completely soon. 

 

I keep saying positive healing affirmations to myself, maybe they're helping, and I haven't had to take as many doses of clonazepam as the last two weeks. So I'm happy about that. 

[Cdav]

I added Lecithin, NAC and a high dose of vitamin E 5 days ago, since yesterday akathisia and RLS have diminished about 85% I'm very thankful for this. I don't know if the supplements helped or if it's just a window. 

 

What I'm dealing with right now are brain zaps. I completely discontinued the last antidepressant I tried (which caused horrible reaction) 2 and half weeks ago. In my case it's hard to know which antidepressant to reinstate since my doctor has tried so many, they all take away the brain zaps but cause horrible adverse reactions since my nervous system is extremely sensitive right now for any high dose of any AD. 

 

But I was so desperate yesterday to do something about the brain zaps that I decided to try 1/8 of citalopram I had left from a time my doctor tried it on me (and had adverse reaction as with the other AD's). Surprisingly it took the brain zaps after a few hours. I called the doctor and told me to only do this when I'm having brain zaps. But as I've read here this is not a good idea, perhaps it's better to keep taking this dose (or even a smaller one) everyday (until I feel more stable) since it's not seeming to cause an adverse reaction and it's taking away the brain zaps. 

 

I'm afraid from what I've read here, that if I only take sporadic doses of citalopram to take care of the brain zaps, I might cause more instability. 

 

I also don't know if citalopram is a good choice to try to stabilize, because I've been on many many meds. 

 

Any advice? I hope this message is seen by a moderator. I would appreciate your help. 

 

Thank you. 

[Altostrata]

Hmmm, this is a tough one.

 

The brain zaps are a classic withdrawal symptom. Providing a stable environment for your nervous system might be better than taking a smidgen of citalopram occasionally. Can you take 1mg citalopram a day?

 

Why did you drop lamotrigine altogether rather than go back to 25mg or less? Did the zaps start after you quit?

[Cdav]

Yes, it's a tough one. 

 

I got really scared when I updosed the Lamictal, I had horrible symptoms of restlesness and weird head sensations. I was also on a small dose of elavil (which kept brain zaps at bay) The doctor told me to quit Lamictal and Elavil and then he gave me a new antidepressant "brintellix", this made the akathisia much much worse (accepting this medication was a horrible mistake). Almost 3 weeks ago I quit Brintellix, that's when the brain zaps started. My brain always seems to need some kind if srri to stop the brain zaps, otherwise they can last indefinitely. 

 

I tried 1 mg of citalopram for the last two days, brain zaps stop, but it seems to cause other uncomfortable side effects, tense and jittery jaw, and muscle twitching, my legs jump involuntarily when I lay down. 

 

Not sure what to do and I know it's difficult to know what to do in this situation. 

[Cdav]

I might try 1 mg of citalopram and see if this helps the zaps and does not cause the muscle twitching and horrible jaw sensation.