Cdav: How to deal with depression and interrupted personal/career plans

[Cdav]

Hormones and Withdrawal are making me miserable today. 

 

Every physical symptom has flared up, my legs won't stop twitching on their own and I can't stop moving them. My head feels unstable, my whole body feels like it's burning. Feeling really negative and starting up fights with bf.  I think he's had enough, he said I'm just a bitter woman and left. This hurt so much. Again, I only have unconditional love from my parents. No man will ever really love me like this. 

 

Sorry for the negativity, my body and mind are out of control. PMS on top of withdrawal. This is the same story every single month. 

[Frustrated]

Omg I hate the leg twitching. It is so uncomfortable and I can't stop rubbing and moving my legs either. Makes me crazy. Sorry you suffer this. Hope your symptoms calm down soon.

[Martina23]

Cdav, for me the symptoms are also much worse during PMS. I think your boyfriend loves you, but it is hard for him to understand the condition where are you now. One day it will pass (hopefully I am still alive at that point, sorry this was a joke) and we can than do everything what we are dreaming about now. By the way, are you a singer? I have a feeling I read it somewhere. What are you singing?Opera? I like Pavarotti.

[Cdav]

Thank you Frustrated and Martina. 

 

I just always fight so much with my bf during PMS (most months we break up during these awful days) and my suicidal feelings increase along with the physical symptoms. I'm just waiting for my period to come so I can have a little relief. I worry this hormonal issue will continue for me long after withdrawal syndrome has gone. I know he loves me, but he's tired of my mood swings and irrational thoughts of jealousy and anger. 

 

Martina, yes I'm a singer and a singing teacher. I don't generally sing opera, but sometimes I do. I mostly sing jazz, classic rock, bossa nova, traditional mexican songs and my own songs. I haven't been able to develop my career as a singer songwriter as much as I would like due to my health issues. I recorded an album with my songs before my last withdrawal nightmare, and now I haven't been able to release it or do much about making shows. I still do shows with great effort and sporadically. I have one next April 3rd and I'm really scared I will not be feeling well enough. 

[Fresh]

Hi Cdav ,   sorry it's so awful atm.

Just a thought:  for many years I took Naprosyn for period pain , not knowing it reacted with Lexapro to cause severe stomach cramps , vomiting , diarrhea etc.

If you're taking anything for pain , use the interaction checker at www.drugs.com to be sure you're not aggravating anything.

 

xxx

[Martina23]

I think you should release it. I think it is really great that you made an album with your own songs. This must be a good feeling to say, ok, this is my album of songs. You should be really proud of yourself. That is a career actually, because it is something that you present the people your view of world through the songs. I find it really good.

 

PS I saw you are from Montarrey, there was this film with James Dean made in Montarrey, East of eden, isnt it?

[Cdav]

Fresh, thanks for the tips. Right now I'm not having pain, don't have my period yet, just horrible mood swings, uncontrollable rage, irritability, horrible thoughts of self-harm. Since I suffer from protracted WD syndrome, I have this hormonal issue every single month before my period, it's horrible. I'll check the pain med interaction in case I need one for cramps. 

[Cdav]

Thank you Martina. 

 

Yes, it's a good feeling to already have my songs recorded in a professional way and materialised in an album. Sometimes I forget about this achievement, because I'm feeling bad and people who care about me remind me of the things that I do have achieved, like this album. I do want to release the album and have more showcases. This WD thing and the unpredictability of my mental and physical state has stopped me from moving forward in a quicker and broader way. But still I won't give up, I have to share what I created with so much effort. 

 

Thank you for your good comments. 

 

Yes, I'm from Monterrey, but that's a different Monterrey from James Dean movie, that one is in California. I live in Monterrey, Mexico, 3 hours  from Texas border.  

[Martina23]

Father of my children comes also from Texas, but he is from Houston.

[Cdav]

Still Pmsing, yesterday was a day of EXTREME rage. I think this one was one of the worse fits of rage yet. I was about to harm myself, my parents stopped me. I don't know why this is happening to me. Boyfriend decided to escape, he's angry at me for things I've said to him during these days.

Today, stuck in a deep dark painful depression. Brain fog, confusion, and just pain. 

 

Sorry about the negative update. I hope this passes soon. I'm confused, I don't know if this is caused by WD or is it just my defective body and hormones. 

[WiggleIt]

Oh, Cdav, this will pass, you will see. You are such a beautiful person with so much depth and expression to offer the world.

 

The hard time right now is probably both PMS and withdrawal together making things hard.

[Fresh]

Cdav ,   it's like your body is over-reacting to everything.   Withdrawal seems to put each fluctuation under an enormous magnifying glass.

This is your body healing itself.   Maybe just stick with the primrose oil and remind yourself that it will pass.

 

xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you for your words, Wiggle and Fresh. 

 

It's so frustrating after having days of improvement, to be experiencing all of this again and in such an aggressive, out of character way. When I have windows I always think I'm better for good, and when I have waves I always believe I'll stay like that forever. 

 

Thank you. 

[Cdav]

Well, not sure if TMS therapy helped my depression or not. Still having bad bouts of depression and anxiety. I'm really discouraged because many of the patients that started the therapy at the same time as me are feeling great now. The doctor doing the therapy says the longer the depression has lasted, the lower the rate of response to the treatment.

 

I really don't know what will heal me. Probably the physical symptoms will heal. But as depression runs in my family,  I'm not sure if time will heal this depression, or keep making it worse. 

 

On the good side, haven't had akathisia or RLS in two days. Instead, a constant muscle twitch on my upper stomach that hasn't stopped and is driving my crazy. My head feels like it's sizzling, very fuzzy and just not comfortable. 

 

Trying to feel/be/act normal most of the time is tiring. 

[LoveandLight]

And the point in the doctor telling you that was..?

 

You've had windows and your able to be positive even when feeling terrible..I think you'll heal xxx

[Cdav]

I don't know, I guess just being honest. He's offered me free sessions once I finish, "booster" sessions he calls them. I don't know if I'd be worse without the therapy, or the same. I'm trying to think it has helped somehow, even if it's a little bit. 

 

Yes, I try to stay positive, most of the time. But as you know, negativity can creep in really hard sometimes. We just need to keep surviving and pushing through. 

 

Thank you. 

[Cdav]

Severe depression, and terrifying cortisol mornings are back. Whole body feels like it's burning with adrenaline, shaking, crying. Twitching on my upper stomach won't stop. 

 

I don't know what to do from here. I think I've waited long enough. I know people can have chronic depression for the rest of their lives, and I'm afraid this might be my case. Most people can take meds and feel better, I can't. I wish I could tolerate the meds and feel better.

 

I can't see a way out of this. 

 

Sorry I haven't written on other people's threads my head feels really confused, my heart and body feel extremely heavy and jittery. How much more suffering can I take? I don't know. If only I could know the exact date of when this nightmare will be over (or if it will be over at all) then it would be like pushing through towards something real and promising. Right now there's no light at the end of the tunnel for me. 

 

Sorry I'm being so negative, I just can't be in my body and mind anymore. 

[LoveandLight]

So sorry ((CDAV)) you are suffering so much..you have immense strength. It would be so nice to know when this will be over..but we will just need to trust for now. I'm pretty sure the intensity of this suffering will diminish xxx

[Martina23]

Hallo CDav,

 

I am so sorry for you. I am having the same. I dont know. I know it is horrible. I get up always in the morning only with the feeling that suicide would be the best solution for me. But for other people I see things more clearly. Try to fight for your future. I think your future can still be very good. If it does not go without than with the medicaments. I believe that the body solves these withdrawal symptoms, but clearly it is not very quick.

 

After caesarian delivery I developed PGAD. This condition is/was terrible. You feel constant pain, itching down there, you can forget the whole sex because of anxiety that your sexual feeling just does not stop and if it stops it takes ages (you in your head are with your thoughts already long after it, but down there it just does not stop). You can not sit, you must avoid busses or cars, because when the bus starts to jump (maybe some little hill on the road), you have already unexpected feeling down there, even if in your head you do not have thoughts on sex at all. Terrible. After two months of constant pain and congestion, I went suicidal. The stories in the internet did not help me too. I thought I was stuck with it forever. I forbade myself even to think on some man not to provoke congestion, as I was afraid it might not stop. I could not imagine to have some more child.

 

After year and a half it just stopped to pain, to bother me and I found out the feelings down there stop. It did not go away absolutely, but it is not a bother to me now. I can think about the men, about having some more child, and the stories in internet how it goes on forever showed themselves that they do not fit. Sure it can turn, and I am still afraid that it starts again. But at the moment I can say everything is ok down there and it really seems that the body finds it way to function even in horrible conditions and then the bad feelings stop.

 

I really believe it will be like this even with your depression, if you will continue taking some medicaments or not. One day you will get up and find out you feel good. And then you will authomatically think how to continue with promotion or sale of your album and continue with your carriere.

[Cdav]

Thank you Love! I really appreciate you coming by my thread to show support. 

[Cdav]

Martina, thank you so much for taking the time to share your story with me. I'm so sorry you had to go through that PGAD condition. It must be horrible. It's one of the most horrible things to have your body do and feel things that you don't want to and you can't control it. I'm glad it has almost disappeared for you. The same will happen to your WD symptoms from Lyrica. 

 

Yesterday I had a window at night, and today it was again a horrible cortisol morning. But now it's noon and I'm starting to feel better again, thank God. Right now in Mexico we're in Holly week, which is like a spring break vacation. My parents are helping me go out for a swim later today at a sports club and take in some sun. I feel really weak as I haven't been able to eat much, but I'm thankful for their support. My boyfriend has been really nice to me too (he's always nice except when I'm not nice to him during PMS), but he went to Texas for vacation, I couldn't join him because of the unpredictability of my health, still I wanted him to go and have fun because he works a lot and needs to relax.

 

Tomorrow I have a presentation, a showcase of my music. I think of it and I get scared because I don't feel well, but I'm going to do it anyway. 

 

Thank you for your good wishes Martina, and I hope you start to feel better soon.

[LoveandLight]

Glad your having little glimmers of light threw those windows!

[Martina23]

Hello Cdav, you dont know how I envy you that you can go to Texas for holiday. I would so much like to, especially to Houston, where the father of my children resides. I have never been there. I magine it so beautiful everywhere swimming pools. I saw the photo of the appartment of my ex there were palms and swimming pool. We firstly met in Venezia and he invited me to New York where our children happened. I hope to be healthy one day and do so many things. You should have gone to Texas, surely it is beautiful, but you.can go next time.

[WiggleIt]

Although it's rough, I'm so glad to hear about your music presentation. I will say a special prayer that it all goes well.

[ten0275]

Cdav, hey.

i hope you are still hanging in there, still feeling some relief. i had some time today and hadn't really a chance prior to read your thread in great depth, so did. i'm sorry you've suffered the way you have. i have a lot of admiration for your perseverance, despite the intensity of your symptoms and the way you feel they've hindered you. your creative spirit seems to be much intact:

"I'm a singer and a singing teacher. I don't generally sing opera, but sometimes I do. I mostly sing jazz, classic rock, bossa nova, traditional mexican songs and my own songs."

WOW! phenomenal. could you recommend a few traditional mexican songs that would be a good place to start for someone who has never listened to the style? and are the songs of your own that you recorded in the style of traditional mexican songs, or other? spanish-language?

i hope your presentation goes really well today. i bet it will. i know how it is to have to have your game-face on when beneath it, your pain-face is on. but then we tend to slip into the zone when we get into the mix like that and do what we are proficient at. let us know how it goes.

much respect, hang in there.

dave

[Cdav]

Thank you Martina, Wiggle and Dave. 

 

I've been having many mixed moments. Some semi-windows and mostly waves of depression. 

 

But your words really helped me go through my music showcase, it went really well. So it's a baby step for me, I still have so much to do to promote my album and don't feel I have the stability to do it yet. But letting time go by waiting to get better and not know if I'll get better, is really frustrating. On the other hand pushing myself to do so many things when my body is not quite well is exhausting. I felt great after the showcase, but next day came down with a bad cold, after not eating well and all the stress and cortisol mornings I've been having, I think this was my body telling me to stop pushing myself so much, I don't know. There's just a part that wants to make an effort to live as normally as possible, and there's another part of me that feels so tired and broken. I keep fighting between those two parts of myself. I wish everything would feel just normal and would flow as it used to do before withdrawal. 

[Cdav]

Dave, 

 

thank you so much for coming to my thread and reading my posts. I really appreciate you took the time to read and write. Your words were really comforting, just what I needed to read before performing. 

 

Yes, there are many beautiful traditional mexican songs. Some of my favorite to sing are: 

-Mi ciudad 

-Cielito Lindo 

-La Bruja

-La Paloma https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVWAMAPgqgg  (check out lila downs version)

-La Llorona

-El pastor    

-Canción mixteca

 

Try to look some versions of these songs. You might like them. 

 

The songs I've recorded are written by me but they are not traditional mexican songs, they're in spanish but pop, rock and jazz style. I want to record a mexican cover EP album later on. 

 

There are so many things I want to do, but my brain and body still hold me back. My mom insists I need to try another antidepressant (my doctor thinks so as well). I really don't know what to do, I'm hanging in there, but it is hard to be like this almost every single day. Still I'm thankful for the things I CAN do even if they feel like climbing Mt. Everest. 

 

Thank you so much for your encouragement. 

[LoveandLight]

Pleased to hear it went well xxx

[Cdav]

Thank you Love

[Cdav]

Not doing so good this afternoon. 

 

Bedbound with a bad cold and depression. Reading other people's stories of long battles against protracted withdrawal, years and years of suffering. I can't go through this any longer. I've had physical withdrawal symptoms without depression. Now I have both, I wonder how much of this is my own genetic depression? How much can be healed on it's own? How much could be helped by medication, homeopathy, herbs, or something? I can't keep waiting for it to go away. Maybe it won't and it's painful to push through. I can't imagine another year of this. 

[Cdav]

I meant *Bedridden. 

 

Came down with a fever, afraid of taking antibiotic, as my last experience with them about two months ago provoked horrible akathisia and other intolerable sensations on my whole body and mind. 

[Purplestars22]

Hey Cdav maybe you can take a natural remedy for the cold that you are experiencing so that you won't take an antibiotic. Hope you feel better soon.

[Cdav]

Thanks Purplestars, 

 

I'm getting a lot of sleep (my body is begging for it), drinking lots of fluids. The fever went down. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better and I will be able to avoid the antibiotic.

[Fresh]

Hey Cdav ,   did you notice any improvement when you reinstated Citalopram 1mg?    

[Cdav]

Hi Fresh, yes, I think I'm beginning to "stabilize" a little bit on 1 mg citalopram. Brain zaps are gone 90% of the time. Akathisia has also lowered a lot. What hasn't gone away are very bad bouts depression and anxiety. But the physical symptoms are getting better. Except for these past 5 days I came down with a bad cold and fever, had to take anthistamines and I think they brought RLS/akathisia symptoms back. 

 

Thank you for asking  

[Cdav]

Hello, 

 

Quick update. I haven't been able to come in the forums to post, as I have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety, and reading about everyone else's suffering was really affecting me badly. I feel bad about this. I wish I could be supportive, but I've been too ill.

 

I got a cold that lasted 2 weeks. Then I got a stomach infection. Doctor says it's the depression making my immune system weak. Yes, but this depression probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for withdrawal and poly-drugging afterwards. He still does not believe this depression is caused by withdrawal, because other members of my family suffer from severe depression. But I had nevered suffered this much phyisically and mentally before meds. Maybe I was depressed, but it was a different kind of depression, I was still able to do things and get distracted, to write about my feelings, to cry and feel better afterwards, to find comfort in many things, to write music, to enjoy music. 

 

PMS is making everything a living hell as well. I'm sorry to admit that I tried to harm myself a couple of days before my period. It is all a blur, I was really out of my mind at the moment, thankfully my dad was around and helped me.  Right now it seems something that I don't want to do, I don't want to die. I want to live and get better, but hormones plus depression plus withdrawal, it's just much more than my body and mind can bear and I know that antidepressants are not an option anymore. 

 

I've had  very few windows, but even if they're few, they remind me of why life is worth living. I don't know why depression is worse for me than four months ago, and not better as I would have expected. I'm doing everything I can to try to alleviate this. 

 

Still hanging in there.