calithebold: Right at the beginning

[calithebold]

I'm doing okay. My scalp though is as itchy as all hell, I don't get much relief at all. I can feel little raised bumps on there and my friend told me it looks like clumps of dandruff, though I've never had dandruff in my life. I tend more to be oily. I am trying some vitamin D in my conditioner and I can feel that it's working somewhat but I've only been doing it for a few days and I know I can't expect to it work instantly. It's just annoying because I scratch unconsciously and then it makes it worse   obviously. I had quite a few days of endless crying that only stopped yesterday afternoon but then I realised I was getting my period, so I guess no matter what I was going to be overemotional. Cali's vet snapped at me on the phone and I cried for half the day  . Oh well, things are looking up  ​ 

[calithebold]

I haven't posted for ages. I have had a lot happen. I have decided to hold instead of the taper I was going to do this week. I have had some issues at home and it has caused some unwanted responses. I got really paranoid for a few days and it was really really scary as it felt so real. I know that when I am really stressed I have this response and I hate it. My friends were really worried that I would end up in hospital but I didn't and I got on top of it. I know though that if I don't change some things that I will get these responses more often and I could end up with a med increase, which I really don't want.

 

I am very scared right now. I can't tell my pdoc what has been happening, he will absolutely increase it. So... I am going to practice my distraction techniques. Hang out with my friends more and seek their help when I feel this coming on. Though the scary part is that sometimes I don't realise it is happening at the time. So that is why I am holding and I will hold as long as it takes. I'm not going to risk getting completely and utterly 'psychotic'  . One thing I know for sure is that I hate these drugs and I will do whatever it takes to do this as slowly and carefully with the least interruption to my state of mind as possible. I know I can't avoid everything but I'm certainly going to try and minimise it. 

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[AliG]

 Hi Sarah,

 

You are sounding strong.  Keep it up .  

 

Love Ali.

[calithebold]

Thanks Tom for the hugs  

 

Ali, your support means a lot too 

[Fresh]

Hi Cali's mum ,    just saw the new avatar - gorgeous!

 

The relationship situation is huge , so it's not surprising you've been unsettled.   Good idea to hold off on the

tapering until you feel more calm.  

Even though you feel scared , I hear undertones of strength in your post.

 

Just lovely ,  

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh

I hate that the relationship stuff has affected me in the way that it has but hey, I'm working on it (still). I feel physically sick though. I have headaches, dizziness and shaking and maybe a UTI (have to wait for the results of this one). I went to a doctor yesterday didn't want to know much after he found out about my psych history  . Was very angry about that. I'm seeing my normal doc today to get results and other tests done. Well see, at least he listens to me. Only thing is he knows my pdoc and I will have to be very careful about what I say to him.

 

Yes the strength is definitely there, that's the big I love 

Sarah

[MollyN]

Hi Calithebold, I don't think I've posted in your journal before, but I've read it and am really cheering for you!!!!!

 

 You are utterly resilient and keep on keeping on with the greatest spirit xxxx I've got a question for you and I'm wondering if you can help me? I really struggle to do anything consistently, I'll self sabotage almost everything - so I'll start an awesome new exercise/hobby/friendship/study/job and then it'll slowly (or not so slowly) fizzle out.

 

Yet you on the other hand have kept up with your study and hobbies despite the phenomenal drain of the multi meds and their side effects - so basically I'm wondering how you do it? (and then I copy it )

[calithebold]

Okay - take two, just lost everything I went to post.

 

Wow, thanks Molly, that means a lot to me 

 

Don't worry, you are no different from me, I still self-sabotage, but I just don't write about it much. But as for the things I can keep doing, like you said, the study, hobbies, friendships and whatnot, it is a lot of hard work. I do my hobbies because I know they work and I have so many because if I run out of steam with one, I can try another. I pick things that I know I will concentrate on and that seems to help. Like listening to something audiobook/music and colouring so my mind and body have something to do at the same time. 

 

Gym/friendships and work also are things that can be a problem for me but sleeping on a decision and deciding the next day works for me lately. Like if I think I am going to spend money that I want to keep, I transfer it to my online bank account and it won't get there until the next day and then if I want it, I would have to still wait for another day when I transfer it back, so two days to think about it and by then the urgency is often gone. Friends are hard sometimes but I now surround myself with a few friends and the rest I just say hi to and ask how they are and that's that. I try not to follow through with the urge to test someone anymore, if you know what I mean, because you do then lose their friendship at some point.

 

All they really are, all of them are delay tactics. I try and make myself stop and think, so some pros and cons and decide then what you will do. Otherwise I land myself in hot water and it doesn't help when you are trying to get off of your medication, pdocs have a field day with this type of stuff  .

Sarah 

[MollyN]

That's very helpful! Thanks Sarah I agree entirely - space to think and for me, let my feelings come down a few notches is incredibly helpful, I just don't do it - actually that's not true, I am getting a little better.

 

I don't know where I picked up the idea that to be a 'good' person I'm supposed to be a consistent person who sets their mind to a worthy long term goal and stick to it day in day out. Instead I get bored with things, especially ideas after I've explored them a bit, then crave the stimulus from the new and interesting. Unfortunately this bouncing around means that I don't experience the joy of deep knowledge of the expert knitter/musican/lawyer/jogger/tiddly winks player...

 

I like the way you reframed 'the testing' of friends for me, until very recently I haven't realised that I do this, and I certaintly don't ever pull away because they fall short, but rather that I feel insignificant and with close friends felt that I had a need for love that was so overwhelming that there was no way they could fulfil it (and neither should they) but this all or nothing mentality hasn't served me well really.

[calithebold]

I get bored with things, especially ideas after I've explored them a bit, then crave the stimulus from the new and interesting. Unfortunately this bouncing around means that I don't experience the joy of deep knowledge of the expert knitter/musican/lawyer/jogger/tiddly winks player...

I do this too, a lot, so you are not alone, that's why I have so many hobbies and I do the rounds, if you know what I mean. Doing one and then the next and so one until I run out of things and then I start again. Very frustrating and annoying for me and often people around me as I get obsessed with things. 

 

 

I like the way you reframed 'the testing' of friends for me, until very recently I haven't realised that I do this, and I certaintly don't ever pull away because they fall short, but rather that I feel insignificant and with close friends felt that I had a need for love that was so overwhelming that there was no way they could fulfil it (and neither should they) but this all or nothing mentality hasn't served me well really.

My friends have felt like in the past too. I don't tend to do this anymore but sometimes it does creep out if I am stressed out. Being aware of it is the first step. Then noticing it as you are doing it is the next step and then before you do it so you can catch yourself is the last one. Then you can change the behaviour and that is how it worked for me anyway. See how you go anyway. Also explaining to your friend/s is a good way of opening the dialogue up so they don't feel so overwhelmed. I have this works for me too. 

 

Anyway, thanks again for dropping by!

 

Sarah

[calithebold]

update:

 

Last night I spent an uncomfortable night at the hospital. This maybe too much information but these drugs are making me constipated and so much so that it became impacted and I couldn't pee. They drained that and did an x-ray to confirm and that was what the problem was. They also gave me some stuff to take home to deal with the constipation so I would be comfortable at home while I use the stuff. I got home at about 1am and then was up for a while. I missed all my supplements last night except for the magnesium as I was really really awake and that tends to put me to sleep. I have a question, is there are natural way to relieve constipation without having to use that heavy stuff? Especially when it's impacted like it is??? 

[Skyler]

I had trouble when I was on a high dose of Lyrica... misery every day, until I started to eat a couple of servings of bran with half a bananna for breakfast every day.  Did wonders!  Either Bran Flakes or All-Bran.. check the box to see which one has more fiber per serving. Hope you feel better soon.

[Fresh]

One of the healthiest things you can take is coconut oil , and they sell it at Coles now  .

 

Coconut oil has loads of health benefits which will help your system recover as it grows.

You start with 1/2 a teaspoon twice a day , and can go up.  One of the signs that you've reached

tolerance is, like with magnesium , loosening of the stool. which makes it terrific to stop

backup.

http://draxe.com/coconut-oil-uses/

 

It can help itchy scalps too , check out what Dr. Axe says.

[calithebold]

I had trouble when I was on a high dose of Lyrica... misery every day, until I started to eat a couple of servings of bran with half a bananna for breakfast every day.  Did wonders!  Either Bran Flakes or All-Bran.. check the box to see which one has more fiber per serving. Hope you feel better soon.

 

Hi Skyler

Isn't it awful? I think we are all unlucky here from all these damn drugs and most of the ones I'm on seem to make me constipated   it's really frustrating. I have got a plan in place now but I just need to stick with it. Sometimes I forgot until something happens like what happened to me the other day. At least it did give me a wake up again (again sadly).

 

 

One of the healthiest things you can take is coconut oil , and they sell it at Coles now  .

 

Coconut oil has loads of health benefits which will help your system recover as it grows.

You start with 1/2 a teaspoon twice a day , and can go up.  One of the signs that you've reached

tolerance is, like with magnesium , loosening of the stool. which makes it terrific to stop

backup.

http://draxe.com/coconut-oil-uses/

 

It can help itchy scalps too , check out what Dr. Axe says.

 

Hi Fresh

I will absolutely try this, it's on my shopping list. Do you think it would taste good in tea?

 

Update:

I'm doing okay, good actually. I have some news. Yesterday evening I broke it off with D but I did it in a really caring gentle way and told him I love him but that our relationship was making me so stressed that it was affecting my health. He understood but was upset. He asked me if I was upset and I said no, because I know that he and I will be good friends with in time. I think he was a bit cut by that. I feel lighter in a way, I don't have to worry about drugs anymore. That's all up to him now, for that I am certain.

 

Now I have to focus on getting better. I sent my pdoc an email the other day and he hasn't contacted me back, which is an awesome sign. If he thinks that I am okay and not a problem and I don't need to see him for a few weeks, then that means I am in the clear for now, which makes me feel awesome! I was so worried and now I can go building my relationship up with him. My pdoc that is.

 

I have also been doing lots of distraction techniques to get me though, my favourite two are both colouring book related. One is listening to music and colouring - especially on shuffle - and the other is listening to my audiobook and colouring. I find that listening to something while colouring helps because then you have two things you have to concentrate on and in a way forces you to do mindfulness with them.

 

I'll keep plodding along

 

Sarah 

[calithebold]

Okay, so just ran in to D. Was hard. I wanted to cry but didn't...I must keep my chin up this time and not cave under how I feel about it but rather think about my health. Geez I wish I wasn't the type to be kind to people all the time, then this wouldn't hurt at all  I didn't think it had hurt actually

[JanCarol]

Hey Cali, you wrote about coconut oil:

 

 

I will absolutely try this, it's on my shopping list. Do you think it would taste good in tea?

 

I take it in my coffee!  

 

The "bulletproof" thing - was inspired by people in the Himalayas who put Yak butter (it's, um stronger and nastier than cow butter) in their tea.  So the "bulletproof" guy decided to put grass fed butter and MCT oil in his coffee.

 

THING IS, the MCT oil is not as good for you as pure coconut oil, AND, his recipe calls for SO MUCH oil, that it's dangerous to drink daily.  

 

However, I've modified his recipe.  When I have a coffee, I have a slim pat of Aldi Organic Butter (it's grass fed which means it contains vitamin K), and a small amount of coconut oil.  

 

We do all our cooking with coconut oil.  It makes AMAZING popcorn!  So I figure that the tiny amount - maybe 1/2 teaspoon? - that I put in my coffee is topped up by our cooking with it.

 

And it IS good for your hair!  It's awesome for your hair!  You could pour some into your conditioner (it's liquid in summer, but solid in winter), or, if you wanted to do a special treatment, you could mix coconut oil with an egg and a little apple cider vinegar, saturate your hair with it, and wrap it in cellophane and a towel for 15-20 minutes (at least, you could do more, but the cellophane thing is a little uncomfortable).  Coconut oil is amazing!

 

D?  Just remind yourself that the kindest thing is to not support his addiction.  It's kinder for him to let him fall - because really - can any one person ever STOP someone from falling?  It's kinder to you, and it's kinder to him.  It's HARDER to be kind in this way (use your delay tactics, if you can!), but it is the kindest thing.

 

Love and {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[calithebold]

I've had a setback and I don't know if it's something that will always come and go. I got under intense stress and got very paranoid, to the point where I wanted to take my mattress from my bed and put it in the bathroom and just take Cali in and hide. I hadn't worked out my plan further than this but this was attractive enough for quite a few weeks. I lost it though it my GP's office and he told me I was paranoid about medication (duh) and he asked me lots of questions and in the end he said he was going to call my pdoc. I begged him not to and I actually don't think he did.

 

In anticipation I emailed my pdoc and told him what had been going on but I did state no more meds and that I could deal with it. He asked me to come and see him. I was terrified. But you know what, I cried as soon as I got in there and he said to me, "I work for you, you pay me, we do this together. I'm not going to put you in hospital". I was stunned. No one had ever said that to me before. I know he is unsure with reducing meds with me, but I think we can in the future.

 

We talked about solutions and since I was sitting on the psychosis spectrum and I wasn't getting better (it had last four weeks at that stage), I agreed to an increase in Abilify on a temporary basis. It has actually worked. I'm bummed but at least it wasn't any of the others. 

 

Then... I had some impulse control issues pop up. I got a fifth contract with a telecommunications company. Two phone contracts prior and two tablet contracts prior and then I got a fifth one. This was when I wasn't well too. When I'm not well I could convince anyone to do pretty much anything and I don't listen to reason   and I didn't. In the end they cancelled the contract and I have to send the phone back. It was a good one too. Don't know why it's always these kinds of things, I get obsessed with them. I did get the others cancelled and I just pay the cancellation fee, which is huge  . 

 

I guess I'll see what happens. I feel a lot better now though and I can think. I couldn't before. My head was so noisy, it felt like I had no control. I nearly ended up in hospital just after what happened in the world at that time as I was already paranoid about that happening prior to it happening. I don't really want to say the words but I am sure you all know what I mean. It was horrible and I think that's why I was so set of on hiding in the bathroom. Paranoia is very scary. So real and just plain frightening. I was suspicious of everyone. I didn't trust anyone. I felt like the building was going to fall down or I was going to get seriously hurt in the hands of someone else. I'm glad it's stopped   . 

 

Sarah 

[calithebold]

It's been quite a while, so hi to everyone, those who both know me and those who don't. Things have been and are intense, but when are they not with me. Usually always externally created. I am not even going to bother to go into it as there's no point. I have just left me pdoc that I have been seeing for about a year now or just under maybe but not for bad reasons, it's just that it's a long way for me. I found a new doc that is very good, a good friend of mine told me about him or should I say two very good friends of mine. One saw him, one didn't. Not that that matters. I see him for the first time on 26/06 and will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with him, which I am looking forward to. I have been reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, but have no ideas either way yet. I haven't read enough of it. Anyway, besides my crazy life, I am okay. 

 

Sarah

[calithebold]

Well I am very interested to see what happens over the next little while. I said I was going to see a new dr and I will be seeing Dr Rob Purssey, who I have seen has been recommended to others. I see him in two weeks and it can't come quick enough, although I am not ready for tapering yet but at least when I am, I know he will be good (I hope)! My friend saw him and she said to me "he changed my life in an hour", I don't know how that works but she is medication free and doing well. Anyway, I just popped in to say hi and I hope you are all doing at least okay 

 

Sarah

[brassmonkey]

Best of luck with the new Doc, Sarah.  Hope it all goes well.

[calithebold]

Thanks brassmonkey, I'm really happy to hear you are doing okay too 

[calithebold]

I just realised that during march/april hospital admission I had eight med changes. I never realised that but remember how it felt. I can't believe they would do that really. I guess that's what hospitals do and most doctor's in general 

[JanCarol]

  (there needs to be hot, red steam flowing out of this emoji's ears!)