calithebold: Right at the beginning

[JanCarol]

Yar, it's a good thing to have the DBT support to help you keep the moment clear.  Can I suggest that payday is Thursday - that's LATER?  Only worry about NOW.    ???  Or maybe even not WORRY about now, just enjoy now for now.  Let later be later.  

[calithebold]

You are right. I spoke to a friend where I live today and she said the same thing. I have DBT tomorrow, so hopefully that will be of some help. I have my one on one with Trudi too, so that might help.

[calithebold]

It's been a while. I've had a hard time. D and I had some major issues and broke up and got together which went on for a while, it's settled now thankfully. Then my Nana fell and broke her hip, she is 84 and only 41kg (90 lbs approx). She is in the UK and I am in Australia, which really sucks, but my mum flew there to be with her because they thought she was dying. She nearly did.

 

I had to have my goodbye forever phone call yesterday morning and it was so hard to stay so bright for her but I did it and she was apparently grinning from ear to ear because she and I share a very special bond, I was the first grandchild that she had around he all the time, my older cousin was overseas, so it was me and we bonded like crazy. Mum said that cleaning out her flat is really emotional  because of the things she keeps finding. Most of the photos on the way are of me and not of the other grand kids. She has kept every letter, picture and  photograph that I have ever sent and this goes back to the mid 70s. It's an honour.

 

In other news with everything that's been happening I have been very unstable. I still don't know if and when my Nana will die but she's not far off and I don't know how to react. I ended up with an incident of self harm, don't worry I am really fine and Jan has been awesome, I wouldn't have gotten through without her. Thanks Jan

 

I am back to DBT today and I'm looking forward to it. Not much else to say but that I'm holding on the last 25mg of the normal seroquel for a bit longer than I was going to until I stabilise. I'm worried about PRN too because I have had a little bit but it's been the alternative to self harm, so I figured that would be the better option.

[calithebold]

I have been thinking of the next time I taper, probably sometime in march. It scares the living daylights out of me

[JanCarol]

LOL I was thinking of you and me when I added the green line about HOLDING in my sig.

 

But trust me when I say:  I've read lots of threads in here (I know, I told you not to, only success stories right now), and while people suffer, they struggle, it's hard - in 6 months to a year you start to lighten up, brighten up, and while you will still be having withdrawal symptoms and still have a long way to go in your taper - it will be easier to see windows and hope.

 

I would encourage you to use this 3 months to read ALL of the threads (and watch all of the videos) you have been sent here in SA and what I sent you in Facebook - as much as you can.

 

When you have read all of those, go to success stories, and read the hardship - and the eventual success. 

 

YES, some of us have permanent damage.  I think I do, in gut, kidney, and maybe heart (new stress tests, echos and ECG's in my world now after the chest pain).  BUT I got my brain back, I no longer feel the need to end my life, I don't feel like a waste, and I may even get to CONTRIBUTE to society - or at least SA - a bit!  That was a short 15 months ago when I felt like my life was over, I was a burden on the planet, and had no value to anyone.

 

The slower you go, the easier it will be.  You are young enough that if it takes 5 years - you will still have many productive years left.  Further, you will wake up somewhere in there - and be able to write that book you want to write, or publish or show your photographs - or some other amazing project that you will find yourself in.  I predict (hold me to this and ream me one if I'm wrong) that one year into your taper - March 2016 - you will be like "OMG, I can't believe how spellbound I was, how dragged down and crippled by the drugs I was."

 

If I'm wrong, I'll buy you lunch.  

[calithebold]

Good idea Jan to go through my old links on here, I will and don't worry, I am not going to be looking at any other stuff right now

 

I think I worked out, my next taper to be sometime (not sure exactly) I think in mid-March. The one after that is the scary seroquel-XR one. Hating seroquel right now and I never thought I'd ever say that. I remember when I was really depressed and lonely how I would take like 1000mg or more extra day (yes you heard right, it's amazing I'm still here) and I'd do it day after day, it was easier bombed out that awake and feeling stuff. It's why I hate seroquel so much now because (a) I still crave it ( I don't know what I've done to my body and © my poor body has to go off this stuff now. I'm truly scared. What have I done? The overdosing went on anywhere between 400mg to (if I am embarrassingly honest) 1400mg a day for about 4 years.

 

No one knew because I didn't say anything. My psychiatrist writing the script didn't even notice me needing new scripts but she can be short sighted at the best of times with stuff like that, either giving me too many medications or too many of one. I really don't think she is the best but at the same time I like her and I think she is workable in the framework for this stuff, the getting off the drugs stuff. This sounds manipulative, but I know I could get her to do this the way we do it here rather than big dosage drops. Maybe I am wrong about that, I don't know, but with support from here, I don't feel like I'm stumbling in the dark on my own. I have a very good support network, which I am so fortunate to have, not everyone has one. It's just that most of my support network is not used to supporting me come off of drugs, therefore they don't know what they need to do to keep me level and I think I am pretty hard to keep level.

 

Well I guess I know I am pretty hard to keep level because every time I get (medicalising this word as I have no other way to describe it) manic, every time this happens I majorly wreck my finances. Last year and a half I wracked up $4800 worth of debt which I settled last year, then I was free of debt, until Christmas when everyone goes "manic" and I got a personal loan with a loan shark because no one else would give me one. I know my behavours are up to me and I have to learn to deal with them but at the same time I don't know what to expect coming off the big dudes (seroquel-XR). When I've had a reduction of this one in particular in the past it has almost always led to an 'episode' either high or low, sometimes also panic.

 

I guess I shouldn't speculate or put words on to 'it' because I don't know what 'it' will look like when it comes. I have to acknowledge that it won't be easy but that, like I said, I have lots of people and here around me, even if it's only here that will know what to say to me when the time comes   

[JanCarol]

That is a wise attitude to take, to not have expectations.  Too many people in here will say, "I want to be off this drug by such and such date," or don't make plans for akithesia, insomnia, or any of the other effects that come visiting in withdrawal.  You, however, have DBT to help you with communication skills, distraction, mindfulness.  You have SA - what a gift this place is!  And if we need to, we can try and get help from your family to get you to an orthomolecular to see if you have any supporting issues that will ease your withdrawal.

 

There are supplements that will help with things.  Niacin/niacinimide/B3 helps with manifestations and anxiety.  Vitamin D3 helps with mood stabilization (as does the Sun, which also helps with insomnia, and goddess knows we have plenty of  sun here).  You already know about the soothing effects of fish oil and mag.  But you're a sensitive one, and I'd like to have someone with knowledge review your blood tests before you go on those.  And we will find one, if you want.

 

You could maybe experiment with the niacin for anxiety and "manic" (you know I hate that word!  because there's nearly ALWAYS something underneath it - fear, loneliness, boredom, akithesia), just get the cheap one I showed you and try it in the afternoon.  It may be especially useful when your daytime seroquel goes away.

 

Maybe this isn't the right forum, but our discussions about subselves - it may be a subself who vetoes your use of magnesium.  The feelings you describe before and after taking it - sound like an internal voice tried to stop you.  You've made peace at 100mg, which is fine.  But if you can, have a chat with the subselves to see if you can find out why they objected.  I say this because if this is the case, they may object to the niacin, in fear it will "make them go away."  They may need to be soothed, coaxed, and convinced that this is good for all of you, the whole of you.

[calithebold]

I have been really struggling lately, sad, scared, feeling alone. Tonight things have been chaotic inside. Going through emotions like underwear. D just never showed up tonight which hurt and that compounded the feeling of aloneness. Just me and my cat, beautiful girl that she is. She has made me laugh and cry all at once. I cried tonight when D didn't show. Was really awful. I'm not quite sure why I'm saying all this, maybe because tonight hasn't been nice and I just wanted to say it. One awesome thing, watching my cat play, she is playing up a storm right now. Love love love. How special some things are.

[JanCarol]

Here's a thing that a lot of SA'rs say helps them stay in your body:

 

EFT:  Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) - it also helps with mindfulness.

 

http://eft.mercola.com/

[calithebold]

I've had a horrible year so far. Some things I just don't know what to do about anymore. I feel so depressed and at times suicidal. My grandmother died on 12 Feb and I was straight away admitted to hospital because I was already way out there when this happened. I was in hospital until 20 Feb and then couldn't cope at home so they readmitted me on 23 Feb because I took an overdose of seroquel and diazepam, but this time they did change my meds by putting me on 50mg of Pristiq. I got dischanged on 4 mar and two days ago took another overdose of seroquel and diazepam, my doctor will find out today. I know, I am pretty sure I won't be put in hospital this time. Yesterday I had thoughts of wanting to jump from a high height. I live in a highrise. I'm trying to stay safe, really am trying but it's so hard when the urge is so strong. I have my cat to look after though and I could never leave her. I broke up with my boyfriend, hence the OD on saturday, or should I say he broke up with me and my mum is sort of talking to me. Not really. Very controlling. I don't know now whether or not my boyfriend or I are off or on because we keep changing it. It's so hard. I feel cheated that this whole year so far, mostly has been so awful and that I feel so awful. I rang lifeline yesterday and got some idiot guy, didn't like him at all. It's only 3:41am but I went to sleep really early so I am surprised it's so early in the morning and I'm saying like 6pm because I was just ugh. It was either that or do the balcony dive. I decided to go to bed first. I don't know what to do with myself.

[calithebold]

There's no point in being on here anymore is there, nobody takes any notice of me or even bothers answering me. I don't want to keep hurting myself, not only in real life but emotionally thinking someone is out there when there isn't

[calithebold]

I'm doing positive things to try and help myself, like keeping distracted. Yesterday I diid anything and everything I could possibly think of to make my day easier/better/happier, so hard   like right now, I know that I won't have contact with anyone until 4:30pm and right now it's 3:11am.

[peggy]

how are you feeling today calithebold? (i love your name btw)

[calithebold]

A little better thanks Peggy, I think I'm getting Pristiq withdrawals making my mood go all over the place. The seroquel I took obviously didn't help me that much either. I am doing pretty much everything I can think of to stay okay. I'm just trying to keep my meds steady and hold for the next three months or so. I'm not even thinking of any tapers right now because everything is too unstable. Cali is my cat's name and I love it too

[calithebold]

It's 10am here and I have been awake since 12:30am. I am wondering if this is withdrawal?

[Meimeiquest]

Cali, sometimes we read things, and it's just so hard, we don't know what to say. You're there right now, and it's hard to know which drug, withdrawal, or heartbreak has out you there...probably all of the above. Just keep breathing, and the hardest will pass.

[Adagiooo]

Just want to let you know that I am taking notice of your posts. You are not alone. Hold on and please don't take that dive. You CAN survive this. Your signature tells me you are strong. You have endured serious poly drugging and you're still standing. Just hold your cat close to you and think peaceful and calming thoughts. Feel free ti pm me. I know how you feel. I want to end it all too but I won't. Take good care of yourself and know that you are important.

 

Adagiooo

[calithebold]

Meimeiquest - thank you for your kind words. I think I am coming back on track now. It must be hard to read when someone is in constant state of crisis. I do have hope now and let's hope it lasts

[calithebold]

Thank you Adagiooo - I won't end it, I've seen first hand what it does to a family. It's devastating. Thank for your kind words, they mean so much. I will definitely hold Cali close because that little cat is what keeps me going, because she needs me, she is totally dependant on me. I need her just as much. I will hold on tight.

[Fresh]

Hi cali , sorry it's been so rough for you lately.     Being awake for so long is a sign of all the changes happening with your cns . . .  it's just part of the package.

 

Did you stop the 50mg pristiq on  3 March?    If that's so , then it's pretty safe to say it's withdrawal.

 

Fresh

[calithebold]

Hi Fresh, yes my dr took the Pristiq off of me CT on 3 March. I just wish she could see what she is doing to me. I am scared of change though, so I keep staying with her but in her favour she kept me on everything else the same and refused to change anything when I asked her to.

[Fresh]

Are you able to put your current meds in your sig.?   

[calithebold]

The ones in green that aren't crossed out are current, six in all

[calithebold]

Actually there are seven

[calithebold]

Fixed up my sig a bit as it was way too confusing

[Fresh]

Thanks cali , that's much easier for my brain and me (and many others I suspect).   So are you taking nothing now?  What an achievement !!

[calithebold]

No, oh no, I'm making it worse, oh I'm on the stuff in green, the dates are the years I started the drugs.

[Fresh]

Lol , it's not you , it's me.  

[calithebold]

LOL I though I was losing it, he he

[calithebold]

I tell you what, you just don't realise how powerful these drugs are until you have one taken away. I was only on Pristiq for three weeks and I've got all these wild things happening. But like Meimeiquest said, I've had so many changes, both emotional and chemical in such a long period of time, it would probably be a good thing to hold for really good solid amount of time. Not sure how long though. I don't know how long it will take to get myself 'chemically cleared'.

 

I found out that I will (with good chance) be getting back into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) pretty quickly. I saw Latika yesterday, the second therapist in my old group and she said "see you soon" and Trudy, my therapist in the same group, I hope, said she would be in touch but shouldn't be too long. I think that sounds pretty positive. I am excited but not too excited, if you know what I mean. I don't want to get my hopes up because I'm still feeling anxious about it all. 

 

Chemically though, my poor body, I hate to think what is happening in there. I do find it truly scary and I fear for my future. I am scared of being permanently affected and never to recover. It scares me senseless.

[ten0275]

calithebold, hello.

just a step at a time.

you are a knitter and crocheter (i actually don't know if crocheter is a word, but i like it! ah... looked it up - it is a word!). i've watched people do this. it takes, in my estimation, an inordinate amount of patience to perform this activity. not necessarily attention - as one can watch a show, talk on the phone, and generally multi-task a knitting or crocheting project - but patience - and time. sometimes an error is made and one must undo to redo, other times - yeah, that ball of yarn can become quite tangled.

but you address the botched stitches and the solutionless-seeming knots as you arrive at them, and you keep your mind in two places: your current stitch, and the desired outcome of your design.

prudent with your withdrawal, too? well, i think so. in fact, i think it is a perfect metaphor. what stitch are you on now? and what is your grand design? these are good things to just consider quietly - as i am sure you do.

where once you sent fear into onlookers by trampolining assuredly and bravely without spotters, so now you face your own fear of what lies ahead while you bounce along. except there is a difference. you do have spotters now. spotters here, and it sounds like you have a team behind you and a therapeutic plan that includes DBT. spotters there.

hang in there, stitch at a time.

dave

[calithebold]

Hi Dave, It's funny when you say which stitch do you think you're on (I know you said to do it quietly but...) I think I'm on the right one and I'm going to use my tweezers to start to unravel the yarn winding it up into whole balls upon which I can make something new shiny and exciting (oh and yellow of course because it's pretty ). I don't care how long it takes or what I have to do to get there but one scraping of tablet at a time, it will happen. In ten years time I will be okay

[calithebold]

Out of interest I thought I would try and remember which medications I have been on since 1996, they won't fit in my history but I'd like to see what I can remember.

 

Aropax, Xanax, pepcidine, Effexor, melleril, seroquel, Valium, lithium, mirtazapine, seroquel-xr, pariet, olanzapine, gabapentin, Pristiq, lamictal, lyrica, abilify, saphris, chlorpromazine

 

All I can say OMG how am I still here?

[AliG]

Calithbold, I just wanted to say hi. I noticed on another thread somewhere, you said you were in B. I am also. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

[calithebold]

Thanks so much AliG, I really appreciate it

 

Gosh, the WD are bad today, only off of Pristiq one week and two days ago after being on it for nearly three weeks. I can't stop pacing and have been quite anxious all day, hands shaking badly. It's 6pm and I've been up since 3am. Can't wait till bed time. I'm being kind to myself but geez, I feel for all of you who have been on AD's continually for years and then started to taper. Only two and a bit weeks and am crawling out of my skin.

[calithebold]

I need to ask something but I'm scared/ashamed/embarrassed about it.

 

I haven't told one thing about what is happening with me. When I am in hospital my doctor gives me 100mg seroquel tablets when I'm right on the edge but she still lets me do that at home. I try not to but sometimes an emoton or like before I was jumping out of my skin, I took some seroquel, one tablet, which of course numbs it totally and I feel okay again. I don't know how to stop doing that and I feel like such an idiot because I know I should be able to stop. How do I then get to the point where I don't panic and run instead of sticking it out? I truly want to stop otherwise I will never get off this stuff but I just don't know how to do it. I've done it for years and I feel like such a baby that I can't seem to do this one thing that all of you and worse do every day, how do you do it?