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Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you?


Rhiannon

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Great post Petu;you are a brave woman.

 

Hugs,A.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

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I relate to this on so many levels. Every level. Especially with you Petu. Feeling and sharing your pain and experience. And the journey of healing. The symptom changes/morphing is particularly poignant for me Alto. And the windows and waves. It has won me the title of "hypochondriac" more than once. Sometimes it all seems so intangible. Yet the devastating realities of lived experience is so real. The playing field is never level. The deck is always stacked. Or so it seems. The worst of it is the destruction of self trust. The constant questioning. Is this really real? Or are they right? Is it really only all in my head?

 

It is and has been profoundly empowering training in learning to live moment by moment. To be present in the here and now. To let go. To observe. To Stop. Listen. Connect. Reflect. And claim the power of that. They are lessons and skills that dont come easily to me. But those moments of reflecting and glancing back, and seeing how far Ive come, are worth their weight in gold. It is in those moments that I know what healing feels like.

FEB 2014 EffexorXR recommenced at 5 beads/day out of 37.5mg capsule (13/2/2014). 1 week of bliss/feeling normal, then smashed by incapacitating & unrelenting symptoms since 21/2/2014. Continuing to decline. Seroquel holding at 100mg. Supplementing with Fish Oil Caps (3600mg Omega 3) for anxiety.

JAN 2014 EffexorXR 37.5mg dose ceased after 3 wks. Devastating withdrawal symptoms emerged - incapacitating, intensifying and worsening over subsequent 5 weeks.

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Yes, I agree, coping with symptoms has forced me to grow as a person. Being marginalized medically, we must believe in ourselves and our sense of what's best for us.

 

Here's a good essay by Don Killian from a benzo support site http://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2014/02/15/we-are-all-different/
 

 

I have talked with many who are healing via the window/wave mode. Even so, every single one is doing it differently. Some have infrequent windows but when they have them they feel nearly normal. Some have “50%” windows fairly frequently but don’t really have a time when they feel “wonderful.” Some have waves that crash in on them leaving them terrified and certain that they will never be well – right after they had an incredibly good window. Some get pounded with excruciating physical pain which can disappear in moments only to return later in the day or week. Others suffer horrid mental symptoms of depression and anxiety which can lift for a few hours allowing rays of sunshine to pour in only to be clouded over later on as if the sunlight had never existed. Some even oscillate back and forth between physical and mental anguish.

 

I healed by the “continuous misery” method. I had lots of physical pain, but the mental torture was the hallmark of my recovery, and it dogged me minute-to-minute for what seemed like it would be eternal at the time. It was constant until one day I felt it “lift” a bit. From that day on, it gradually faded over time until it was completely gone over a few months. Other symptoms gradually improved and eventually vanished over the next several months.

 

Others have healed in that same general way. The skies clear for no apparent reason after a very long storm, and the sun shines. The storm is suddenly over. It can be rapid and profound.

 

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Great article, thanks for sharing.

FEB 2014 EffexorXR recommenced at 5 beads/day out of 37.5mg capsule (13/2/2014). 1 week of bliss/feeling normal, then smashed by incapacitating & unrelenting symptoms since 21/2/2014. Continuing to decline. Seroquel holding at 100mg. Supplementing with Fish Oil Caps (3600mg Omega 3) for anxiety.

JAN 2014 EffexorXR 37.5mg dose ceased after 3 wks. Devastating withdrawal symptoms emerged - incapacitating, intensifying and worsening over subsequent 5 weeks.

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That was truly beautiful, Petu. It brought a tear to my eye as well.

a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg 2016: 5.1-4.6mg

1/19/17: 4.5mg 3/17/17: 4.4mg

6/15/17: 4.35mg 8/10/17: 4.3mg

1/29/18: 4.1mg 5/07/18: 4.0mg

7/31/18: 3.9mg

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Healing from withdrawal symptoms, at first is a sense of relief. Finally, the nights of panic stricken cortisol surging and days of fatigue lighten up.  The long list of worrisome symptoms slip into nothingness, and morning by morning we awaken to find that one more uncomfortable side effect has slipped way.  Those intense moments of intrusive thoughts, the mental anguish that we witness in ourselves fade away.  The discomfort and the pain sputter out as the body and mind restores its balance.  At the beginning it is the painful experience that becomes less so. Finally, we reach those moments, then days, weeks, and then months where no symptom is left to haunt us. After climbing that long steep climb we near the crest.  The sun is warmer and brighter and for what feels like the first time in our lives we will learn again the sensations of happiness.

2008 Feb- 1MG Ativan As Needed

2010 Tolerance Withdrawal to Ativan begins. Source unrecognized.

2011 Fall Began Attempting to Come off Ativan 1 week taper as advised by doctor. Increase to 1mg Daily.

2012 January nervous breakdown symptoms. Source unrecognized. Withdrawal symptoms.

2012 May stopped Ativan cold turkey. Severe wd symptoms occurred by end of month.

2012 July 21st 50MG of Pristiq

2013 February 5 week increase to 100MG

2013 March tapered down from 100MG to 50MG in 2 weeks.

2013 March 27th first day of alternate day taper of 50mg to 0mg.

2013 March 13th first 2

2013 April 26th first 3

2013 May 1 first 4-day

2013 May 18th Last 50MG of Pristiq. Ever. Entirely drug free.

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Alto, I'm so glad to read that you feel like your old self again, only better.  I agree that this has been quite a maturation process. As a Christian, I sometimes wonder if God has marked us survivors for some special purpose.  It has certainly been a growth experience for me in a direction I never expected to take.

 

For me, it's been a long, slow climb out of the pits of hell with lots of waves and windows.  The symptoms of withdrawal faded away so gradually for me that I didn't realize I was over it until about six weeks had passed and I realized I felt like myself and had not had any marked ups and downs during that time.  I still get the occasional neuro-emotion, a twinge of fear or sadness that lasts awhile for no good reason, but I now know that's all it is - neuro-emotion - and that it will pass. And it does.  There is still some anhedonia, but I've been able to get out and about, make new friends, and take an interest in needlework again, although I'm not yet as enthusiastic about creative things as I once was.  I expect that will also come fully back in its own time.

 

I remember that in late September of 2013 remarking in one of my Intro posts that coming out of withdrawal felt like peeling one of those maddening hard-boiled eggs where you have to pick tiny pieces of eggshell off one by one, and the membrane feels like it's been super-glued to the egg. Then, at some point at roughly mid-January, it seemed like the last small bits of eggshell and membrane fell off and I didn't even notice for another month or so.

 

I think this experience has changed me for the better. Oddly, I'm much less anxious and fearful than I was before antidepressant withdrawal and I've learned to trust God and His goodness much more so than before. I can now talk myself out of depressive moods fairly easily. At the present time I'm working on valuing myself even though I'm not working or heading toward some noble goal. I'm learning how very self-pitying I can be and how self-destructive it is to indulge in that kind of thinking. I think I'm a more compassionate and tolerant person now that I've suffered--through no fault of my own--from a condition that few people understand.  

 

Stay tuned. The best is yet to be.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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Petu has described withdrawal very very well. I remember feeling terrified 24/7, walking was like moving through thick jello, trying to understand what people said thru my brain fog and when I did sleep I'd suddenly bolt upright in fear. Then times of being able to sit calmly, not fight for breathe came. When I could think back and realize I'm was doing better. I slowly healed.

Unable at this time to correspond by private message.

 

Link to my Introduction thread: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2477-aria-my-psych-journey/

Reading my psychiatric records: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5466-drugged-crazy-reading-my-psychiatric-records/

My Success Story is listed under "Aria's Recovery".

 

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Something I'm dealing with lately at this point in my taper is the return of intensity of normal emotions. Not neuro emotions, although they may still be contributing, but just normal emotional responses to normal life experiences.

 

A few weeks ago I found out within a space of a few days that two of my friends in this town (which is to say, about two thirds of my friends in this town) were moving away. I was so sad and disappointed, it was really intense and painful for a while; and then it faded, and I focused on spending time with other friends (I do have a lot of other friends in the towns in the area, about 30 minutes away).

 

Last night I found out I didn't get the job I just interviewed for, and I woke up this morning feeling just devastated about it; but I talked to my daughter, and I texted to a couple of friends, and after a few hours, now I'm feeling just sort of disappointed and sad, but okay, making plans, moving along. I still feel disappointed.

 

What's new to me is both the intensity of these emotions (which don't really feel like neuro-emotion, which has a more, I don't know, perseverative and less "alive" feel to it) and how quickly they seem to move through and pass (also not typical of neuro-emotions).

 

This isn't exactly healing from withdrawal, because that's not exactly my situation, I'm still tapering and will be for several more years; but I think it's part of my brain function becoming more normalized now that I'm not on such massive doses of psych meds. It's interesting, a little challenging, mostly okay.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Rhi... I'm very sorry to hear you did not get the job. It is their loss, and I seriously mean that.

 

For the vulnerability to emotions.. 30 years ago, when I first developed my pain disorder, I was sick for 2 years. I almost never went out, and then not to crowded places. When I recovered from that dreadful episode, I went to the Arcade in Providence, a small mall (first in the US actually). Tiny shops in close proximity, a very pleasant bustling atmosphere, decidedly not toxic. But there was so much sensory input I had an awful time trying to screen things out I was not attending to. Reading the description of your response to sadness, reminded me of that time. It sounds like your body is being overwhelmed by what it sees as new sensations... but hold on, the feelings will fall back into a more regular pattern.

 

And I feel for your loss of your friends. Unfortunately those feelings of loss will linger. It's so hard when folks who are close leave.

 

Skyler

As always, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! A proud supporter of the 10% (or slower) rule.

 

Requip - 3/16 ZERO  Total time on 25 years.

 

Lyrica: 8/15 ZERO Total time on 7 or 8 yrs.

BENZO FREE 10/13 (started tapering 7/10)  Total time on 25 years.

 

Read my intro thread here, and check the about me section.  "No matter how cynical you get, it's almost impossible to keep up." Lily Tomlin

 

 

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Alto this is a wonderful topic.....thank you for your honesty.

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • 2 weeks later...

Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere.

 

Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.)

 

For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes.

 

Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was.

 

Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal).

 

There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way.

 

What has healing felt like for you?

First time this depersonalization hit me i got soooo scared thought i was really going insane, it was sooo frightening, i can say that this symtom is for me the worst symtom ever in recovering! It happened to me ALOT earlier but comes in waves now, sometimes im present for a long time then i suddenly loose myself and the enviorment

2007 - 2013: was on citalopram (tried to quit a few times, never worked, always went back on. max dose 40mg)

2012-2013: was tapering my citalopram all down to 2,5 mg then quit.
2013/aug: Took  my last pill 

W/D hit me bad after a few weeks off my medicine.

2014/August: 12 months off (much improved)

2015/April: 20months off. ( much improved, still some symtoms comes in waves, but not so intense.)

2015/june: 22months off. FELT different than before, all shakings suddenly stopped, feel much better. a fantastic feeling!

2016/Feb : 2 years and 6 months off, END of my suffering. I feel perfectly fine and back to normal. 
2018/Oct: Iam still feeling great. It is hard to believe my own story when I read back, what I went through!

 

 

 

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I worry about the two problems in the USA with our war veterans: PTSD and high suicide rates. I suspect that they're giving these poor kids ADs left and right in the military, which is skyrocketing the suicide rates, but since the pharma companies have done such a great job of covering up the problem of drug-induced suicidality, everyone thinks they're committing suicide because of their PTSD.

 

So they're giving more of them ADs for PTSD (which doesn't work, but again, drug company propaganda) and then more of them are committing suicide.

 

I don't want to look it up right now but the statistics on suicide rates for soldiers and veterans these days are astounding, and I would bet my life savings (admittedly not much, thanks to psych drugs ruining my life) that ADs and other psych meds are more than half of the problem.

 

I was reading the other day about a defect in some cars which has caused 13 deaths that are known of, and the manufacturer knew but didn't fix it or tell people about it. Everyone is appalled, rightly so. But that is NOTHING compared to the number of deaths caused by drugs, which the pharma companies know about but cover up.  Their own studies (the ones they don't release or publish) show these increased rates of suicide attempts, and successes, in their drug trials. Somebody must see those numbers and be able to extrapolate the math. It's just incredible to me.

 

And overall our doctors and society at large are still believing the propaganda, still blinded by it, still think these drugs are good for people.

 

I think I need to go outside and dig in my garden and stop thinking about this now.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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  • 1 month later...

Not the most cheerful of things to talk about and I've been putting off posting for fear of depressing everyone but I don't know where else to go except here or the Samaritans.

 

Has anyone else had 24/7 suicidal ideation for months and recovered from it?

 

I've literally been intensely suicidal ever since I started citalopram. It never went away on that drug. When I went on my next two poisons it got worse and stayed.

 

The only time I haven't had it was when I took lorazepam. I haven't had a lorazepam since 6 April and am doing my best not to as I really think my sporadic lorazepam use has heavily contributed to what I'm going through now.

 

The only other time it started to lift was when I came off sertraline the first time. I actually had times when I was thinking about what job I could do when I was better, stuff like that. I was really believing I would heal and was feeling quite strong.

 

I've always been a fighter and was never suicidal before I took these drugs (except on two different antibiotics). I just don't understand feeling suicidal every minute of the day. Its relentless. I just don't get a break and can't distract myself, no matter what I do. I know it's a side effect of these drugs. It's not that I want to die, it's just that I don't want to live like this. I'm not going to do anything. I just wish these feelings would stop. It's hard to describe. It's not feeling suicidal because there's anything wrong in my life (apart from drug and withdrawal h**l) but it's more of a constant feeling that just will not leave me. It just won't stop ever. I'm trying so hard not to have a crying spell because yesterday I cried in a way I never have before. It was like a volcanic eruption!! I cried so much that I was sick and I just couldn't control it.

 

I want so much to believe that this will end. I'm scared because I was practically a cold turkey case (because I didn't know any better and, like the rest of us, knew absolutely nothing about withdrawal). I could cope with all the physical symptoms if I could just stop feeling so intensely suicidal.

 

Has anyone else experienced this every minute of the day for months and come out of it? I feel like my brain just doesn't know how to produce seretonin any more. It doesn't make any sense.

 

Sorry for the self obsession. That's what I hate most about this. I've become completely self obsessed and I never was before. I was someone who always looked out for others.

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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I have suffered from suicidal Idiation for 19 months straight. I had a very very severe depression that i cannot even begin to describe, all i wanted to do was end it all (Look at my never-ending, nagging posts on here)

 

I am definitely not recovered and haven't seen much improvements at all, but this has gotten much better. I no longer feel like this 24/7. I get it now and then for a couple of hours, but now its only once in a while.

 

This will definitely get better. I know how you feel trust me i know the pain and suffering you are going through. It will get better. I promise you

Was on Citalopram 20mg since Feb 2008 - switched to Paxil 20mg in August 2010

Tapered way too fast in April 2012 by skipping days. Taper completed in 6 weeks

Tried prozac 20mg for 3 days - felt spaced out, not better.

Tried 30mg Cymbalta for 2 days. SEVERE ADVERSE REACTION

Antidepressant free since 14 August 2012

Birth control on and off during this time - Last taken 18 June 2017 - Morning after pill 

Started mainly using 0.5mg Xanax beginning 2016 for severe panic attacks and anxiety due to trauma

Xanax on and off never more than 0.5mg at a time, never taking it 3 days in a row - used sparingly 

 

6 Years antidepressant free - Still in severe withdrawal with over 60 symptoms

Severe setback started May 2018 with no let up to date. Developed many new symptoms like tremors, inner vibrations, insomnia, visual distortions and dr/dp are 100x worse, i have severe sensitivity to movement, My dizziness and vertigo got worse and it now feels like im constantly rocking on a boat, my anxiety is sky high, suicidal idiation is back, i feel extremely brain damaged 

 

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Thank you Olivia. I am so sorry you went through this for so long. That's just awful.

 

I notice from your signature that you recently stopped birth control pills and now you are improving. It makes me wonder how much of this is my menopause. I was peri menopausal for years but now am probably in menopause (nothing for 10 months). I keep wondering about progesterone cream. I've heard a lot of people say they had major depression on the pill or from hormone imbalances.

 

Keep going. You are improving and you will get there. I've had these feelings for 8.5 months. I hope I haven't got another 10 months of them!

 

Thank you.

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I had suicidal feelings for a long time, it became obsessive and I couldn't think of anything else.

It started with seroxat (paxil). I have it whenever I get into a wave or get very tired but I know it

is the withdrawal from effexor . I don't want to die at all, but some mornings it just washes over me

and I feel like I can't go on for another day, but I ignore it now and it goes away again. 

 

I know it is hard to find a distraction but it really helps me to visualise something I love, like walking

on the beach or swimming in a quiet pool that isn't full of people, light falling on the ripples. 

Walking and looking for  wildlife. Of course I don't do any of it  :blush: just think about it but it does help

sometimes. Alto calls it 'change the channel'  and there is a thread on it, I'll see if I can find it. 

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/846-change-the-channel-dealing-with-cognitive-symptoms/

 

Sometimes I even visualise myself chasing the thoughts away with a broom! Sweeping my mind clear of them!

Sounds a bit mad but hey, whatever helps, helps  :blink:

 

It will pass, and will not be there forever. It isn't you it's the drugs that cause all this and one day you will realise that

you haven't thought about ending your life for x days or hours! 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Thanks mammaP. I'm glad it's got better for you. I will give the visualisation a go (if I can keep my legs still long enough and ignore the internal shaking and agitation!)

 

Thank you for finding that thread :-) I will take a look at it.

 

I can't wait for the day when the feelings start breaking up.

 

Thank you.

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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Well,

 

I'm a "benzo person" only here on this forum, but I hope I can post this here because I justvwant to tell you all that this is a very common sx also in benzo w/d.

 

And I'm still doing my long hold on klonopin (just finished 9th month), and I'm still holding because I keep having changes that show improvement, but I have also experienced SI a lot on this hold. It's not been constant fortunately, but when it's hit me, there is no one in my family that can convince me that life will get better or that it's worth living.

 

It's definitely a chemical thing I believe because I can then experience a "180 degree" turn around in my thinking literally overnight. But before that, my thinking is completely implacable, and I've thought of various plans during these times. I almost go into a "trance like" state, and become totally focused on how awful everything in my life is, and I mention these things to my husband throughout the day. And when I'm just thinking on my own (which I'm always thinking about something I have to do), it's a total focus on my verbal expressions of life being worthless, and I'm either talking about that or thinking about that.

 

And then usually by the end of the day, I've kind of reached a zenith of feeling this way, and I start warning my husband that I don't intend to live like this, and then he tries to make me feel better by saying that he doesn't think I will have to live like this, but it never changes anything about my thinking at that point. I generally end these days by being very resolute about my feelings and my intentions, although I usually have stopped talking about them by then and I'm back to thinking.

 

Then I go in my bedroom, consider further plans while getting ready for bed and getting in bed and watching tv, and then I do try to distract myself by watching tv as that's really the main time of the day I do watch it. And by then I'm still aware of my feelings, but I generally find something I can actually get engrossed in on cable since we have plenty of channels to watch.

 

This scenario has played out numerous times since I started taking klonopin by itself (did a crossover, completed 12/5/12) and it has gotten better since I've held on it (not tapered it), but I went through another episode of it about a month ago. So far, the worst parts of these episodes seem to last about 5 days, and then I do start to come out of it, or I do that "180" turn around.

 

Well, I just wanted to say that these knds of thoughts and feelings happen to us "benzo only" people too.

 

Marie

On Xanax 10 years for anxiety, 2 mgs, night only. Attempted my own taper w/o understanding the dependency issues.

 

Researched and then understood the need for longer half life med. Doctor crossed me from X to klonopin 4 times in 6 months. Last time on X, she up dosed me to 3 mgs X.

 

On last cross attempt, ended up in ER with profound w/d sx from X. Got new doctor. Final cross to K, structured, slow was completed 6/5/12-12/5/12.

 

Attempting liquid micro taper from K. Difficulty with micro cuts; significant w/d sx requiring several weeks of holding after each cut. Also concerned if it's possible to use pill/liquid combo for dosing.

 

Hope I Meet Other Benzo Taperers Here! I have tried ADs in past. Could not tolerate them, gave up trying, none for over 12 years.

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Thanks Marie. I'm very sorry you get these feelings. I've had benzos on and off since all this mess started so I reckon they are contributing to the soup. I hope you feel better soon.

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

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I've struggled with suicidality ever since I was first started on psych meds. It's reduced so much since I've gotten my doses of meds down, but it does come back when I make cuts and go through withdrawal.

 

It's not active so much any more, like with making plans and such--haven't had that in a while. But it was strong for many years, and I made a couple of attempts and came very close to making a third. So I can definitely relate.

 

More typical for me these days is feeling like if something happened, if I got hit by a truck or a piece of space trash fell on my head, it would be okay with me, I wouldn't mind, it would be a relief.

 

Or, lately, more often, down a little even from there, it manifests as thoughts that "I hope I don't have a really long life...maybe hang around a little while longer, things aren't so bad right now, but I don't want to get really old..."

 

Sometimes when I'm wishing for death I remind myself: it is definitely going to happen. I can count on it. It is definitely, absolutely something that's on the schedule for me in the future. BUT: I only get to do it one time. It will only happen once. So: it's definitely going to happen, I don't have to worry about that, I will get my release; but it only ever is going to happen ONE time, only once. So I ask myself, is right now, today, the day I want to do it? Is this the day for that? Is today my time?

 

These days, usually not.

 

And some days, when I've been holding my tapering and I'm feeling good, I actually find myself feeling and thinking that I want to live for a long long time.  Given what I'm used to over the past 20+ years, now, THAT is weird. :-)

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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"Has anyone else experienced this every minute of the day for months and come out of it?"

 

Yes.

 

:-)

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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It's not been constant fortunately, but when it's hit me, there is no one in my family that can convince me that life will get better or that it's worth living.

 

 

 

This has been me non-stop for the last 4 days. It is so scary it's not funny, I even dream about suicide and wake-up in the night mid-thought rationalising why it is the only option at this point.

 

Reading this topic has helped to put things in to perspective. It's just so so messed up how strong the urge gets, I've had 2 small windows and in both of them I swore to myself  that I would not end my life and it's all W/D related, yet when the wave hits every minute of every day becomes a struggle to survive.

Past use of Pritiq, Escitalopram, Lithium and Valproate. All ceased with no withdrawal experienced. 

07/2013- Started 10mg Asenapine (Saphris) an AAP 

01/2014- Given 2 week taper by doc

02/2014- Experienced absolutely excruciating anxiety and insomnia

02/2014- Tried reinstating at 5mg but had akathisia attack that hospitalised me

03/2014- Prescribed Doxepin and then Mirtazapine and Diazapam for 'agitated depression'

04/2014 - New Psychiatrist. Willing to empower me to get drug free. Started 50mg Chlorpromazine as an alternative to reinstating Asenapine. Rapidly tapered off the Doxepin and Mirtazapine.

  Currently: 45mg Chlorpromazine, 2.5mg Diazapam. 

  Supplements: Fish oil, Vitamin E, Vitamin C, Magnesium

 

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I'm so sorry. I know what you're talking about and it is incredibly miserable and impossible for people to understand who haven't been there. Some people manage to be sympathetic, but I think that unending, obsessive desire to die is very difficult for people to relate to.  

 

Even when I had thoughts, before ever being on psych drugs, of feeling very down and occasionally feeling like life wasn't worth living, it was different, it wasn't this kind of near-obsession that just took me over and weighted me down every moment.

 

So people who haven't had drug-induced (including withdrawal-induced) suicidality, I just don't think they can relate, usually. The closest they can come is trying to imagine a time when they were really down, feeling really bad and sad.

 

That makes it worse, that nobody really gets it.

 

I know it's miserable. All you can do is walk through it. And of course do as much as you can to take care of yourself and do the things you know are good for you.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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My deepest sympathies to all of you who are suffering.   It was SI from Prozac several years ago that leds me to years of psych med "fun".  Wasn't a pretty picture but I overcame it.

 

Hang in there.

 

CS

Drug cocktail 1995 - 2010
Started taper of Adderall, Wellbutrin XL, Remeron, and Doxepin in 2006
Finished taper on June 10, 2010

Temazepam on a PRN basis approximately twice a month - 2014 to 2016

Beginning in 2017 - Consumption increased to about two times per week

April 2017 - Increased to taking it full time for insomnia

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Relating to this so strongly recently. What pushes you to continue on and how do you decide it's time to seek help (if ever)? I was never suicidal or had SI before drugs, only following DCs and cold switches which I now realize were withdrawal, but of course doctors will say it was proof the drug was working.

 

I am 3 years out from Pristiq DC and feel like this is getting worse. But my life is empty and I know that is a large contributor.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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I agree with you Rhi....nobody can quite understand drug induced/withdrawal suicidle thoughts.

I worked in a hospital for a couple of years and I remember a young lady who had took an overdose. She had children and I just couldn't understand how anyone could think of doing such a thing. It disturbed me to think that a mother could leave her children. Fast forward 7 years and I was that person siting in a&e with the exact same thoughts....because of these flippin' drugs.

 

Everyday they are there - nobody understands this hell other than you guys. I'm not quite sure how to get over it but I'm slowly losing the will.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

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Thanks for this thread; I have had SI most of my life, I think.  I recall telling my mother (on ADs then) that I would probably meet my end by my own hand.  She had attempted suicide when I was a child-I belive now it was 'acting out' as I recall the neighbor being over and speaking to her through her closed bedroom door, saying things like, 'but you have so much to live for, your children...blah blah blah'.  She drank a bunch of alcohol and took some pills.  I come from a medical family (dad doc, mom, nurse, me nurse) that pills were just part of my mileu...so not a surprise that when I was hit with post-partum depression, and my friends urged me to 'take an antidepressant...' it was socially acceptable, and readily available.  Pill culture.

 

I struggle with SI now when the waves hit from d/cing Klonopin...and when a window happens, I notice that I just get invoved in small things that bring me joy, and don't think or obsess on the 'big picture' i.e. 200 species a day going extinct, the takeover of all aspects of life as we know it by the 1%, etc etc.

 

I guess it's good to know I'm not alone, but it really sucks that there are so many of us.

 

I do often wish the powers that be would just send me 'the black pill' because it seems that is what they want.

21 years of various psych meds.

Currently experiencing 'withdrawal syndrome' from 14 years of 0.5mg Klonopin: 1 q hs

Tapered over a year and a half dry cutting.

Hx of Imipramine (nightmare) (1992) Zoloft,(1992) Paxil (difficult to d/c)(2000) Effexor(2004-5) (also very difficult to d/c) Lamictal(2004-6), Neurontin(2004-6), Depakote(2006-2012), Remeron(2007) Various sleeping pills at different times...

 

UPDATE

Month 40 post Benzo taper

 

there have been windows, sometimes weeks of feeling 'almost normal' and the BLAM

 

windows and waves, indeed

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It is a known side effect of anti depressants but what puzzles me

is HOW can a pill make thoughts turn to suicide?  

This is something that I've wondered too. When I took Paxil for a short time, within just a few days I became absolutely obsessed with suicidal thoughts. It was so clearly the drug and I was really amazed and awed by the power of that pill.  That was actually the event that made me realize how powerful--and bad, at least for me--these drugs are, and started me exploring this path which has led me here today, tapering and withdrawing and trying to help other people in the same boat.

 

The only time in my life that I've been suicidal has been either while on ADs or in withdrawal from psych drugs.

 

I don't think anyone knows the answer to this, and I doubt we'll find out any time soon, since right now so much money is being poured into making sure people don't believe it.

 

I was constantly ruminating over everything negative and obsessed w suicide on Paxil, too.

 

Only when I went CT WD did I seek any tiny thing to hold on to life with. 

 

On the drug I wanted to die - off it I was terrified of death when I CT'd off Paxil. 

 

It's less and less as I move through Effexor WD - diff reaction on effexor. All I know is this is less disturbing for me than paxil

I'M A WEANER!  :D 
atavan PRN ,Paxil approx 20 yrs ago for major depression
Switched to Klonopin PRN through to current
Paxil wore out
Changed to Effexor 
Depakote added
enormous weight gain - flat affect - led to depression - dropped depakote
Dropped Effexor, changed to Paxil 
PDoc added mixed salts amphetamines for ADHD - took for 2 yrs - was ok at first but had to cut as symptoms too intense -  then the crash was too much. STOPPED
Vyvanse started in 2013 (APRIL) - more smooth than IR amphetamine tabs---Have not used vyvanse daily in full amt since May 2013 

Paxil CT withdrawal 10/2012  :wacko:  Klonopin CT WD

Switched Klonopin to Xanax prn  - too strong

WD CT from XANAX after taking for a while - it was awful but can be done if you hold on!

Back to Klonopin PRN - working very hard to avoid taking it at all. 

Effexor 37.5 started 02/2013, 75mg by 03/2013, 150mg by 05/2012 (approx)  :blush:

Effexor 150mg 3/10/2014 Microtaper -3beads  :unsure:

3/11/2014-4beads ,3/12/14 - 5, 3/13/14 -6, 3/15/14 - 7, 3/18 - 8, 3/22 - 10, 3/24 - 12, 4/6 - 13, 4/7 - 14, 4/11 - 16 - on 4/19 ran out of brand took generic. Bad move. Back on brand on 4/20 and updosed 2 beads. 5/1 - 15, 5/6 - 16, 5/9 -17, 55/10 -17, 5/15 -18, 5/21 -19, 5/24 -20, 6/3 - 21, 6/6 -23, 6/13 -24,6/19- 25, 6/21 -26, 6/25 -27

6/28 -28, 6/29 -30, 7/3 -34, 7/8 -35, 7/17 -36, 7/30 -41,7/31 -42, 8/2 -43, 8/3 -44, 8/5 -45, 8/14 -48, 8/26-50, 9/24 -53, 10/24 -55, 12/1 -57, (lost the tally sheet, thus taper info for some of it), 4/19-63, 4/26-64, 4/30-65 Switched to wt reduction - now @ -.068, 7/14 -.070, August 2015 -.074, between Sept & October 10 -.077, Nov. -.078(feeling great), -.090 as of 1/10/16, down to  -.101 since January 2016 (it is now 6/24/16), -.105 as of 8/13/16
 
 

Ladies, please don't underestimate the possibility of perimenopause. The symptoms can be similar to, may intensify & in some cases mimic protracted w/d from ssri's & benzo's. 

 

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This thread really moved along here just in the past few days. So after reading more of it, I thought about what has kept me from ever doing anything about my thoughts re SI.

First of all, I've actually never had them until I started taking klonopin (was on Xanax before) so even strong depression was a "new one" for me. Thus, plans or any following through was also completely new for me in the past 1.5 years.

When I've had my intermittent episodes of strong depression, I have reached out to my doctor. I really do like her, and I've found her to be very open minded about benzo sx and withdrawl methods. She doesn't pretend to use liquid titration (which is my preferred method), but she's not stood in my way and does recognize that I'm not one of those supposed "easy off" people. But her reaction to feeling depression is to immediately prescribe an AD which I have refused to take. I've had 3 "encounters" with her where this has come up in regards to depression.

My first one was by email where I actually considered an AD (as I did not realize the implications; this was about a year ago), and I then rejected my own idea because I have a past history (12-13 years ago) of not tolerating the side effects( extreme sleepiness and nausea) which never went away after several attempts to take several different ones.

My second encounter with her was last august 2013 where my attempts to taper were going nowhere, and one of my sx was SI. By then I had joined this forum where astute members recommended this hold, and she thought it was a very good idea. So at that point she made no other recommendations for any other meds-just holding.

My third encounter was on 5/13/14 which was an appointment that occurred after my depression episode. She did not make a strong attempt to put me on any AD because she quickly referred to my resistance that has been part of our ongoing relationship since first seeing her. So she gave me some samples of Deplin which is some new "food additive," and actually part of the B vitamin family, and an Rx for it if I wanted to try it. But I didn't use it, and I had since cycled out of that phase again and have not had it return. In fact, new, positive signs have once again come about, so I hope the depression on this hold may be done.

But throughout using klonopin, i have had to cope with varying degrees of depression so most of the time, I handled it myself. When it got really awful, I did get so totally overwhelmed as I said in my previous post, that I made warning type statements to my husband and eventually just ended up in my bedroom trying to calm myself. And often these times would lead to bouts of crying and crying that I think probably helped me. I'm not one to cry very easily, but I'm also not one to "suffer in silence" once I reach a certain point. So my talking to my husband and even the warning type of talk probably helped (although I know it upset him which was not my intention, but I was thinking about me), and when these times reached the crying level, I think it just let me "get it all out" plus it wore me out.

So again, I would distract myself by watching tv, and eventually calm down, and then get ready for bed, and often just fall asleep watching it. As I say, I do hope that part is done for the remainder of this hold. The taper will be another story that I cannot predict, but I'm hoping that by tapering slowly, I can avoid any severe depressive episodes.

Marie

On Xanax 10 years for anxiety, 2 mgs, night only. Attempted my own taper w/o understanding the dependency issues.

 

Researched and then understood the need for longer half life med. Doctor crossed me from X to klonopin 4 times in 6 months. Last time on X, she up dosed me to 3 mgs X.

 

On last cross attempt, ended up in ER with profound w/d sx from X. Got new doctor. Final cross to K, structured, slow was completed 6/5/12-12/5/12.

 

Attempting liquid micro taper from K. Difficulty with micro cuts; significant w/d sx requiring several weeks of holding after each cut. Also concerned if it's possible to use pill/liquid combo for dosing.

 

Hope I Meet Other Benzo Taperers Here! I have tried ADs in past. Could not tolerate them, gave up trying, none for over 12 years.

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I just thought again "what does make me push on?" Well, I do think about this also when I have gotten "to that point."

 

I have a pretty supportive and fairly close family, but they've recognized my thought process and been concerned at these times. At the same time, I've been able to feel how all this would impact them also, and being the "too or very responsible" type, those thoughts have "given me pause."

 

Also, I am so busy most of the time, that I've kind of "soldiered" through some of this because my responsibility level is so high, it's really a big distraction that I have to follow through with many tasks whether I want to or not.

 

And I do find that sometimes this has also helped change my mood along with simply getting out of the house either by necessity or because I forced myself to go out and run errands or go to a movie.

 

Marie

On Xanax 10 years for anxiety, 2 mgs, night only. Attempted my own taper w/o understanding the dependency issues.

 

Researched and then understood the need for longer half life med. Doctor crossed me from X to klonopin 4 times in 6 months. Last time on X, she up dosed me to 3 mgs X.

 

On last cross attempt, ended up in ER with profound w/d sx from X. Got new doctor. Final cross to K, structured, slow was completed 6/5/12-12/5/12.

 

Attempting liquid micro taper from K. Difficulty with micro cuts; significant w/d sx requiring several weeks of holding after each cut. Also concerned if it's possible to use pill/liquid combo for dosing.

 

Hope I Meet Other Benzo Taperers Here! I have tried ADs in past. Could not tolerate them, gave up trying, none for over 12 years.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I want to add to this but feel unable just now... so I am making a note so it comes up in my contents for future reference.

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • 4 weeks later...

Alto, the first three paragraphs of your initial post here quite eloquently descibe my own fledgling experience with healing.

 

Odd that I should be posting to this thread during (what I hope is) the tail end of a wave. Maybe it's because I do have some recall of how I was doing just before it hit:

  • increased energy and interest in the activities that made up "my life" before. I was able to increase my walking, and even tried a few very slow, easy jogs.
  • I made one or two meals that consisted of something more than the most basic of preparations. Look at me! I'm chopping cucumbers!
  • I bought nail polish. Without being wracked with guilt and anxiety (I have mom issues that I'm working to overcome.) and with the full intention of using it.
  • For a couple of days at work, I listened to music I used to enjoy. Again, without (well, minimal) anxiety.
  • I bought tickets to a concert. (That concert is takes place this Thursday, and I'm hoping to be able to enjoy it despite this wave.)
  • and MOSTLY, MY CORTISOL MORNINGS WERE GREATLY REDUCED. My overall anxiety was largely diminished. I wish now that I had recorded every, single good morning that I had, so I could have an accurate record. I remember remarking to my husband that I was really hoping that I wouldn't see a return of those horrible mornings. Spoke too soon as it turns out, but I go on record now as being able to say that, for a while, they were nearly gone. :-)
  • I doodle in my journal. In fact, I can tell when I've had a wave because that's when I stop journaling. NOT helpful in trying to determine patterns.

This recent episode of healing was significant and I'm grateful for it. Even on my best day, however, I was probably only about 70% the person I once "was." But when this whole thing started, I was probably only about 25% there. So, progress!

 

Lessons learned: journal every day, even if it's just a one-sentence summary of symptoms.

04/2013 diagnoses: severe insomnia, major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia. PTSD (my diagnosis)

Original scripts: 30 mg mirtazapine (Remeron) (1x day), 75 mg Bupropion HCL (Wellbutrin) (2x day), and 0.5 lorazepam (1x day or as needed)

05/05/14: Onset of acute Wellbutrin withdrawal symptoms after haphazard "taper" of 6-8 wks.

05/10/14: Joined this site.

05/11/14: Reinstated approx. 25 mg Wellbutrin (1x day)

05/14/14: Switched to 12.5 mg Wellbutrin (2x day)

06/28/14: Changed lorazepam dosing to .25 mg 2x a day - seems to be reducing anxiety flare-ups

07/28/14: Dosing Wellbutrin in a (home made) solution form 12.5 mg (2x day) 08/15/14: Remeron 28 25.2 22.7 20.5 18.5 16.7 15.1 13.6 mg (home made) solution

05/16/15: Have been dosing lorazepam at .5 mg in the morning, .25 mg in the afternoon, and .25 mg at bedtime. Anxiety has increased somewhat, possibly due to tolerance.

 

 

 

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Good points, mirp!

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • 1 month later...

I remember (with 12 step help) healing like this: Holy "beeeep". I feel ridiculously and criminally amazballs. I looked around for the proverbial other shoe - to drop on my head...for someone to tell me I am behaving manically to the degree I needed to be in hospital...for the feeling to run off with the circus.

 

I have my challenges, though many of my posts do not reflect it all that often. 

 

I also find being of service to those struggling in a place I have been in and overcame to be a great healer for more than just myself, but esp to see where I was...and now am....and heading. 

I'M A WEANER!  :D 
atavan PRN ,Paxil approx 20 yrs ago for major depression
Switched to Klonopin PRN through to current
Paxil wore out
Changed to Effexor 
Depakote added
enormous weight gain - flat affect - led to depression - dropped depakote
Dropped Effexor, changed to Paxil 
PDoc added mixed salts amphetamines for ADHD - took for 2 yrs - was ok at first but had to cut as symptoms too intense -  then the crash was too much. STOPPED
Vyvanse started in 2013 (APRIL) - more smooth than IR amphetamine tabs---Have not used vyvanse daily in full amt since May 2013 

Paxil CT withdrawal 10/2012  :wacko:  Klonopin CT WD

Switched Klonopin to Xanax prn  - too strong

WD CT from XANAX after taking for a while - it was awful but can be done if you hold on!

Back to Klonopin PRN - working very hard to avoid taking it at all. 

Effexor 37.5 started 02/2013, 75mg by 03/2013, 150mg by 05/2012 (approx)  :blush:

Effexor 150mg 3/10/2014 Microtaper -3beads  :unsure:

3/11/2014-4beads ,3/12/14 - 5, 3/13/14 -6, 3/15/14 - 7, 3/18 - 8, 3/22 - 10, 3/24 - 12, 4/6 - 13, 4/7 - 14, 4/11 - 16 - on 4/19 ran out of brand took generic. Bad move. Back on brand on 4/20 and updosed 2 beads. 5/1 - 15, 5/6 - 16, 5/9 -17, 55/10 -17, 5/15 -18, 5/21 -19, 5/24 -20, 6/3 - 21, 6/6 -23, 6/13 -24,6/19- 25, 6/21 -26, 6/25 -27

6/28 -28, 6/29 -30, 7/3 -34, 7/8 -35, 7/17 -36, 7/30 -41,7/31 -42, 8/2 -43, 8/3 -44, 8/5 -45, 8/14 -48, 8/26-50, 9/24 -53, 10/24 -55, 12/1 -57, (lost the tally sheet, thus taper info for some of it), 4/19-63, 4/26-64, 4/30-65 Switched to wt reduction - now @ -.068, 7/14 -.070, August 2015 -.074, between Sept & October 10 -.077, Nov. -.078(feeling great), -.090 as of 1/10/16, down to  -.101 since January 2016 (it is now 6/24/16), -.105 as of 8/13/16
 
 

Ladies, please don't underestimate the possibility of perimenopause. The symptoms can be similar to, may intensify & in some cases mimic protracted w/d from ssri's & benzo's. 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

Bumping for BTDT

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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