Wildflower0214 Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Someday, I'm going to have something to post here. 2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor..... 5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Aside with suicide thoughts, I have these obsessive thoughts about death: who died, when, why, at what age...etc.Very weird and scary. It has gotten better;they are not so strong now. Anyone can relate to this? 4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months. Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.First 3 months off acute w/dProtracted w/d ever since.Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD 04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast. 3 years and 4 months off. waves and windows.Very much recovered. November 2015,health issue.Setback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbarannamated Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Aside with suicide thoughts, I have these obsessive thoughts about death: who died, when, why, at what age...etc.Very weird and scary. It has gotten better;they are not so strong now. Anyone can relate to this? Yes, I do. Very strong. Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinningThrough Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I'm feeling the need to post here today. I don't really know what I'm going to say, so I will just let the words flow. I'm so frightened. 14 months of constant severe suicidal ideation is no joke. I know in my case it's because I had an adverse reaction to citalopram and that akathisia goes hand in hand with suicidal thoughts. I know my med history, although short, is terrible with adverse reactions, kindling, cold turkeys and severe withdrawal. I can't expect anything else really but it's been going on so long. I don't know how to find the strength to keep going. I know I have to but how? I've never had a real window but I certainly get waves. I'm in my 5th month drug free and I've been in the mother of all waves for about 7 weeks now, I think. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fight this. I'm going out of my mind. I've tried SO hard for so long. I've tried distraction and I still try distraction, not that anything whatsover ever distracts me. I force myself to go out sometimes. I talk on the phone. I occasionally see a friend here and there when I can manage it. I've had reiki but that's too much for me right now. I semi watch the tv. I've done meditations which are very difficult with akathisia. I play games on my iPad. I try, try, try, try. The terror is constant and terrible. The movement part of akathisia (voluntary but almost involuntary in its nature due to feeling I HAVE to move) is constant and terrible. I can't risk taking any drugs. I am sorely tempted at times to take benzos but my dance with ativan didn't go well. It went great to start with and I got relief. Until the drug turned on me. I really think that any benzo I took now would blow my brains out. I know the only real solution to this is time, time, time. Time and remaining drug free. Doing whatever I can to get through each moment, to get through each day until it starts to get better. I guess I'm looking for reassurance again that this constant state of terror and suicidality will lessen at some point until life becomes bearable and liveable. It's terrifying that the akathisia is constant like this. With others, it seems to come and go. With me, it's there all the time. I'm frightened out of my wits at this point. I know no one can do anything for me. I know that. I just need to reach out. The only way out is through. Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014 29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever 29 June 2014 - med free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alex Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 I know exactly the feeling. I have been there.And 27 months after my last dose of Efexxor, all the awful dark thoughts are fading away almost completely. For a very long time I had these obsessive thoughts about death 24/7.Now they are gone. At 5 months off you are in early w/d I'm afraid. Patience,courage, and faith, and you will make it;just like all the rest of us in this terrible journey. Hang in there, it gets better. 4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months. Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.First 3 months off acute w/dProtracted w/d ever since.Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD 04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast. 3 years and 4 months off. waves and windows.Very much recovered. November 2015,health issue.Setback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinningThrough Posted November 12, 2014 Share Posted November 12, 2014 Thank you Alex. I appreciate your help and I appreciate you. I've made it this far so I can't give up now! You've done so well. You're a real inspiration to me. You're almost there and you're right, in my 5th month, I'm in the worst of it. I can't and won't give up. Thank you. The only way out is through. Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014 29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever 29 June 2014 - med free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus Petunia Posted November 14, 2014 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted November 14, 2014 I know my med history, although short, is terrible with adverse reactions, kindling, cold turkeys and severe withdrawal. I can't expect anything else really but it's been going on so long. I think you are very sensitive to medications, so I'm sure that in time you will recover if you stay away from drugs. I'm thinking that the propranolol may have caused this recent wave and perhaps you have only been drug free for just over a month if you take that into consideration. I was still really bad at 1 month out and 5 months, but started to notice some slight improvement at about 8 months. We all recover in time by not adding/increasing/changing drugs and by taking good care of ourselves. Hang on through each day and let time pass and slowly, whether we notice it or not, it starts to get better. I like you attitude of realizing how far you have come and being determined not to give up. I'm not a doctor. My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one. My Introduction Thread Full Drug and Withdrawal History Brief Summary Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects 2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010 Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal) May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins. Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens. Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days. April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close. VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from? VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made? VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes? VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects? VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WinningThrough Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 Thanks Petu. I haven't taken anything since the propranolol. The only way out is through. Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014 29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever 29 June 2014 - med free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
degen12 Posted November 15, 2014 Share Posted November 15, 2014 For me anhedonia is a major driver of suicidal ideation. In my case, anhedonia usually co-occurs with emotional blunting. When my favourite song comes on and I just feel like clicking the next button, then I start to think of suicide in a very matter of fact way. Like "*ugh*, what a god damn bother, another ******* day?. Then I can't be bothered to do anything, including making any plans for suicide. April / 2016: Cipralex 10 mg, Mirtazapine 30 mg, Lyrica 600 mg, Diazepam 20 mg, Bystolic 5 mg 2018: Lots of polypharmacy which is undocumented here. Started and stopped several drugs and changed doses of existing ones August / 2018: Back on track! Cipralex 15 mg, Mirtazapine 7.5 mg, Diazepam 15 mg September 2018: Cipralex 15 mg -> 12.5 mg October 2018: Cipralex 12.5 mg -> 10 mg, Mirtazapine 7.5 mg -> 3.75 mg -> Stopped, Diazepam 15 mg November 2019: Cipralex 5 mg, Diazepam 10 mg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muddles Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 Degan - this is exactly what I feel. Christmas is making me suicidal but I just can't be arsed to do it because apathy is massive! You couldn't make this stuff up! 2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription. Severe adverse reaction Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on. Poop out - December 2013 15mg Currently on 13.5mg, April 12mg May 10th - 11mg June 10th - 10mg July 8th - 9mg September - 0mg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simon Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Ive had suicidal ideation probably for the first few weeks of November. Then I reached a sort of plateau (window?) and the thoughts evaporated. Its a very strange condition. in my case its generated by the need for relief of your symptoms which are intolerable and the mind just goes off on one. I must say, that planning a way out which I thought pretty painless and doable, was quite a relief and felt like taking responsibility for my own destiny. When my kids were young and I used to get depression, that was an enormous factor in not taking action, but as I get older the option has seemed more of a possibility. I know what I am describing is what happens to the mind in extreme turmoil and its probably not rational. But I can totally empathize with people who get into that mindset. Strangely, as you get a little lift, the feelings go. And that's quite disconcerting, as, I wouldn't be here posting today if not for little chance events that frustrated my plans. If you go talking to non-depressed people about such matters, they find it distressing, and I must say its odd to talk about it in this non-passionate way. But that's just one odd thing that the brain does and cant be denied. Its partly fantasy, but partly a way of getting a break from your symptoms. But im not recommending taking it any further that that! Simon . Been on some kind of meds since 1982,mainly on and off things like imipramine.,2000 on75mg venlafaxine til it bottomed out, then 150, also no good. about 7 years. Almost ct from it and put on cocktail of Cit, Mirt and Lithium. Remained there for 7 years. Tapered Citalopram in June2014 and was off in 6 weeks. Mood slumped about 6 weeks later. Found this site sept 5th and got some idea why this happens.18th Sept stopped lorezepam and due to misunderstanding with GP was without it for 36 hours which caused a crisis. from 19thsept 18mg diazepam to replace lorezepam(possible addiction) 24th sept 12 mg diaz per day. 29th sept 10mg diaz per day and tapering at 1-2mg per week. At 5mg will slow down taper. At same time increase of mirtazapine to 45mg per day. Taking fish oil and magnesium as suggested on this site. Also have menieres syndrome, a cause of vertigo, vomiting and partial loss of hearing, also very occasional drop attacks. As of 8th October on; Mirtazapine 45mg, Citalopram 20mg Lithium 500mg Diazepam 6mg (tapering by 2mg per week) Fish oil and magnesium As of 25th October Mirt 45mg, Citalopram20mg Lithium 700mg Diazepam12mg As of 12th November Mirt 37.5 Cit.20mg Lithium 700mg Diazepam 8mg (to taper after 14 days by 10%) As of 17th November Mirt 35mg Cit 18mg Lithium 600mg Diazepam 8mg (to taper after 14 days by 10%) As of 25th November MIrt 35mg Cit 18mg Lithium 600mg Diazepam 7mg As of 1st December MIrt 35 Cit 18mg Lithium 600mg Diazepam 6mg (been stable for the last 2 weeks) GP intervention 19 December now on 150 Ven, 37.5 Mirt, 600 Lithium Diazepam 7mg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
btdt Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 It feels like the movie groundhog day... cycles over and over again sometimes with symptoms that are new sometimes with old ones... a couple of times i thought i was healed only have it come back... I think drugs are part of it coming back so are traumas like surgery car accidents even infections... which I seem to have all the fricking time...... all that crap destabilizes me and back I come to the waiting room of life. it is this and oh so much more another day I will add much more. I wish you peace WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG Had a car accident in 85 Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89 Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above. One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking. As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/ There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ikam Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I wake up with suicidal thoughts again, some of them turn into vivid visualisations. I think in WD everything just gets stronger, sharper... I have had suicidal thoughts since I was around 14 years old. I was not on medication that time, but my family was rather disfunctional. I was depressed there and then, but still coping. My sucidal thoughts were something like "coping", as I kept thinking that if things would get worse... I saw my father few times trying to kill himself... When I was 23 years old I was hospitalised as I was considered as highly suicidal (was I really?). And this was the time when I was put on medication, first doxepin, then haloperidol, then some antipsychotic medication. A friend told me to get out of hospital to live with her...thankfully, I was not offered insulin treatment (one of the older methods)... My suicidal thoughts have been with me all my life... I have had them now, very vivid pictures. I am tired of my life, but do I want to die? I told myself that "if things will get worse"...I am so unsure how this WD will go? Will I get any, more unmanageable symptoms? Will I be able to start working soon (i must!)... For me, suicidal thoughts and urges are sign that I feel enraged at something I feel powerless about. I am powerless about what has happened to me since I was put on meds and earlier. I feel angry with people who did not offer me enough information, who kept promissing that I will get better, who put me on double antidepressant and did not give any information about drug interactions, etc. As I cannot get angry with them, I turn it against myself and it comes out as suicidal thoughts, vivid pictures... I don't know if what I wrote makes sense... Somebody told me about the concept of retroflection, when the energy cannot be discharged outside it turns inside. Sometimes it may be some phisical illness, other times, suicidal ideation... - 12.03.2021- doxepin- 50mg - 6.11.2020- 75mg - 16.10.2020- 100mg - 30.09.2020- doxepin- 125mg - May 2020, omeprazole 40mg switched to esomeprazole 20mg - 2012 re-started Doxepin 75mg, evening. Increased to 150mg - 2012, Atenolol 25mg, twice a day - 2016, Low dose of HRT in evening, Sandrena and Utrogestan - Long term of Nasal spray Otrivine - 2012, PPI Omeprazole 40mg-evening 24.10.2014- Started ESCITALOPRAM-first 5mg and then 10mg; due to the adverse symptoms reduced on 5.01.2015- Escitalopram- 2.5mg 22.07.2016- re-started reduction by 1% at a time. Completed tappering on 19.03.2020 😇 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skylarblue75 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 This has been everyday for me for the past 30 months, never had it before taking an a/d, never had it while taking celexa for 10 years. But now it's everyday. I'm a mess off meds and with every multiple attempt to go back on meds. I've tried several times in he past 30 months to take my life, never in my life have I ever tried or had nonstop thoughts to do so. Right now I'm 8 months off lexapro and a 2 year off benzo rapid detox survivor. I'm so scared my life will never be the same ever. I just want to be a mommy to my 3 little boys Spring of 1998 place on birth control pills for irregular bleeding, high testosterone and one ovarian cyst, stayed on until April 2004, told to take hormone holiday, conceived first son 4 months later-VERY BIG SUPRISE, was told wouldn't be able to have childern or would need reproductive doctor to help. Got pregnant again 2006 with second son easily, then was on/off birthcontrol again until October 2011, concieved 3rd son in October 2011(tried many times to get pregant again when 2nd child was close to 2yrs, hormone problems started again after 2nd child, along with thyroid enlargement. Spring of 2001 celexa 10 mgs-rx'd by pcp for complaints of chronic fatigue, irritability and weight gain, stayed on until June 2005, switched to Lexapro 20mgs for PPD, stayed on Lexapro 6-7 months, couldn't afford to see psyh dr. and Lexapro, saw PCP switched back to 20mgs celexa in 2007, remained on until November 2011, was c/t off due to 3rd pregnancy, baby had umbilical cord defect, seemed ok during pregnancy, except for crying jags here and there. Our miracle baby was born July 20th 2012, healthy except with reflux. One month later the anxiety,restlessness,horrible crying, insomnia and the deepest depression ever. That started the psyh drug nightmare-benzo's,antidepressants, sleeping pills, mood stablizers. Nothing help made me worse, doctors just kept changing the meds frequently. 4 mental health hospitalizations, rapid detox off benzos Jan 2013, horrible withdrawal and still suffering withdrawal symptoms NO ONE BELIEVES ME, I feel like ive been on one consistant drug withdrawal for the past 2 years January 2014 slow titrate up of lexapro to 20 mgs-horrible side effects!!, was just rapidly taper by current pysh off to pursade me to try an MAOI-no way!!! Was told should consider ECT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Suicidal thoughts for about week and half constant with very bad depression. It seems to be a symptom of the depression rather than as a result. But I've dealt with this for years certainly since I've been on meds and off then on again. 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 So sorry skylerblue, it must be terrible for you. Xx 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SelmaLady Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I am there now -- horrible akathisia does that to me. I can completely relate to Winning. And along with the akathisia are ever increasing visual abnormalities. And I have NEVER tried to get off of an a/d --- but my system is acting like I c/t'd the Zoloft I've been taking for over 20 years. So I don't even know what to expect. And I still have to taper two a/d's. I am beyond terror and I am compelled to want to end this NOW, today. But ... my kids do not deserve to carry the pain . It is anguish to be in this place of so great a need to end the pain and so great a need to protect .. I just don't know how to survive in this. I can't distract with such intense akathisia. The fact that I am typing this is a testament to my determination to sit and do it. So I'll go pace on a porch that feels as though it is the size of a small platform and look at trees that smothering me in unreality. And hope that somehow I will get to a better place. 1971-81 Valium 5mg c/t PAWS 1992- through now Zoloft 25mg 2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off 2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS 2013 O/D Val 230mg 2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg 3/15/16 Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper 3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 - Decreasing incrementally. DISCONTINUED 10/9/16 Doxepin 48.9 Zoloft 24.3 Clonidine 01.10 Continuing micro taper on Doxepin. 11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg Zoloft 24.3mg Clonidine 1.30mg 5/4/17 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 24mg Clonidine 1.20mg Micro taper of Doxepin , Clonidine 01/13/19 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 21mg Will start Micro taper of Doxepin 2/19 12/21/21 Doxepin 20 mg ? Reducing using water micro taper--Pulling 24ml from 75ml 12/2121 Zoloft .060 grams by weight--HOLDING (info from post added by CC: On 12/21/21 my dosage was .060grams by weight or 20mg. ) 26 Apr 2022 - Zoloft at -0- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I hope so too, selmalady. 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflower Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Dear Fellow Survivors: So thankful that suicidal ideations which are such a prevalent symptom when starting or tapering anti-anxiety meds or AD's is allowed to be discussed on this site. I remember when I was poly-drugged by a homeopathic psychiatrist in NYC (Zoloft increased from 100 mgs to 200 mgs in a matter of weeks, Klonopin and Remeron added to mix.. I thought about suicide everyday! The thoughts started vanishing the more I tapered the K and Remeron. Sunflower 1998-2010. Zoloft 100 mgs. 3/2010. Switched to generic Z and began not to feel well. 7/2010. Estrogen patch added which caused severe depression. 8/2010 to 10/2010. Zoloft increased from 100 mgs to 200 mgs., Klonopin .25 mgs in am; .50 mgs pm; Remeron .25 mgs. added by new doc 1/2011. Began tapering K; last dose of K 7/2011. 11/2011 Began Remeron taper; last dose of R 1/2012 (Tapered K & R by dry cutting) 1/2013 Began tapering Z from 200 mgs to 100 mgs by dry cutting 3/2013. Experiencing wd sx...took break 9/2013. Down to 150 mgs. 2/2014 - Present. 100 mgs Z 1-21-15. Began dry cutting 100 mgs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 All consuming SI at the moment, horrific. 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus ten0275 Posted February 7, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted February 7, 2015 Joannad, hey. I'm sorry you are being enveloped by SI. I know you know it passes, though the moment is suffering immense. Hang in there. Thank you for being such a wonderful presence on this site. Thinking of you. Dave 1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ssriwarrior Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Sending love to all those who are suffering. I never had a suicidal thought until I started taking antidepressants, but they were passive while on SSRIs. When trying to taper it has unleashed full on active SI. And it's mainly centered around how I don't think I can live like this for years. Too miserable and just want the pain to end. Not rational but also impossible to think about living this way the rest of my life and being a burden to those that love me. HISTORY: Lexapro 10mg (current and for approximately 7 years; Prozac 20mg for 5 years and Zoloft 50mg for 5 years) Lexapro (too fast taper) 9mg 09/13; 8mg 10/13; 7mg 12/13; 6mg 02/14; 5mg 04/14; 4mg 06/14 2.5mg 08/29/14 2.25 mg 12/04/14; Re-instatement - 2.5mg 12/17/14; 03/01/15 3.0 mg; 04/01/15 - 5mg; 05/01/15 6mg; 5/15/15 6.5mg 6/01/15 7.5mg 2nd attempt at micro taper: starting dose is 7.5mg using liquid compounded rx: 12/16/17 - 7mg; 02/05/18 - 6.75mg 04/06/18 - 6.5ml 05/31/18 re-instate back to 6.75mg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 Thanks Dave and ssri warrior. And thank you Dave for your presence also. 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
degen12 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I found this quote in an old video game I used to play and I find it very moving and motivating for me to continue on with my journey. Probably because I was attached to the character in the game and it was so epically presented. Here it is: "Now! This is it! Now's the time to choose! Die and be free of pain, or live and fight your sorrow! Now's the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!" April / 2016: Cipralex 10 mg, Mirtazapine 30 mg, Lyrica 600 mg, Diazepam 20 mg, Bystolic 5 mg 2018: Lots of polypharmacy which is undocumented here. Started and stopped several drugs and changed doses of existing ones August / 2018: Back on track! Cipralex 15 mg, Mirtazapine 7.5 mg, Diazepam 15 mg September 2018: Cipralex 15 mg -> 12.5 mg October 2018: Cipralex 12.5 mg -> 10 mg, Mirtazapine 7.5 mg -> 3.75 mg -> Stopped, Diazepam 15 mg November 2019: Cipralex 5 mg, Diazepam 10 mg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycatzara Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 It's good to read about other people's experiences, because one of the major problems I had with an otherwise great psychiatrist was that he just didn't want to talk about suicidal ideation and how to manage it, particularly when it was ongoing. I've also found a tendency for docs, especially gp (primary care) physicians to lump all SI in one basket, whereas in my experience there is a whole spectrum, all of which mean different things at different times. They don't seem to ask the right questions, and both panic unnecessarily at some points and don't push harder when they should at others, and so completely misinterpret the actual risk. For me, one type of suicidal ideation is just a generally increased awareness of suicide eg in news articles, tv shows; another is anxiety about hypothetical situations where my life becomes intolerable and thinking about what I would do; there is also thinking/planning in abstract without any feeling of wanting to die, almost a mental game; actively wanting to end things but being scared I'll fail and end up damaged (in my work I've seen some nasty long term results of failed attempts); and being past even caring whether it works or not. I know that even the first of these is a warning sign for me and I take care to monitor that it is not progressing, but my withdrawal symptoms often include the first three examples without going any further and subside with time, so I'm reluctant to bring them up in case the doc overreacts. The other, really dangerous type of SI for me is the times when I've thought about or made concrete preparations for an attempt - truly believing that I don't actually want to kill myself now, but they'll be ready if I feel that way down the track. If a doc asks if I feel like killing myself I can honestly say no, and without appreciating the nuances they just tick the mental box of "not suicidal" and don't go on to ask if I've made any preparations, and so a dangerous situation is completely missed. Balancing self-monitoring with external monitoring is tricky, and I'm still working on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SelmaLady Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 Read something on DNA damage on site here and am now w/o hope. I continue to get worse and worse so have to believe that my brain is not capable of coming out of a severe dysregulation. I am not like anyone else because this happened from using a nasal spray while on Zoloft. I am trying so hard to keep going each day knowing that every 4 days my visual perception will shrink and with that horrendous DR/DP . The unreality is unbearable and I think only of leaving because I can't get through this. My husband has to devote his whole life to keeping me alive each day. I want so much to stay and not bring pain to my family but the pull to end this horror grows stronger with each increase in the intensity of my symptoms. I just can't find a way to do it w/o risking further brain damage that would leave my husband and family to take care of me. I pray continually that God will keep me from acting on this deep need to be released from this agony . 1971-81 Valium 5mg c/t PAWS 1992- through now Zoloft 25mg 2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off 2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS 2013 O/D Val 230mg 2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg 3/15/16 Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper 3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 - Decreasing incrementally. DISCONTINUED 10/9/16 Doxepin 48.9 Zoloft 24.3 Clonidine 01.10 Continuing micro taper on Doxepin. 11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg Zoloft 24.3mg Clonidine 1.30mg 5/4/17 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 24mg Clonidine 1.20mg Micro taper of Doxepin , Clonidine 01/13/19 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 21mg Will start Micro taper of Doxepin 2/19 12/21/21 Doxepin 20 mg ? Reducing using water micro taper--Pulling 24ml from 75ml 12/2121 Zoloft .060 grams by weight--HOLDING (info from post added by CC: On 12/21/21 my dosage was .060grams by weight or 20mg. ) 26 Apr 2022 - Zoloft at -0- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 (((Selmalady))))) I'm so so sorry. Did you try and see a neurologist? Xx 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SelmaLady Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 No--no neurologist, This started with the Afrin exposure and I had an MRI after my suicide attempt then and it was normal. I worked for neurologists and I know that all they can measure is structural change, not cellular which is what I have. I've lost all hope. 1971-81 Valium 5mg c/t PAWS 1992- through now Zoloft 25mg 2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off 2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS 2013 O/D Val 230mg 2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg 3/15/16 Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper 3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 - Decreasing incrementally. DISCONTINUED 10/9/16 Doxepin 48.9 Zoloft 24.3 Clonidine 01.10 Continuing micro taper on Doxepin. 11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg Zoloft 24.3mg Clonidine 1.30mg 5/4/17 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 24mg Clonidine 1.20mg Micro taper of Doxepin , Clonidine 01/13/19 Doxepin 45mg Zoloft 21mg Will start Micro taper of Doxepin 2/19 12/21/21 Doxepin 20 mg ? Reducing using water micro taper--Pulling 24ml from 75ml 12/2121 Zoloft .060 grams by weight--HOLDING (info from post added by CC: On 12/21/21 my dosage was .060grams by weight or 20mg. ) 26 Apr 2022 - Zoloft at -0- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoveandLight Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 So sad for you that you feel this way. ((Selmalady))) 2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare! On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect. Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan. Nightmare that could have been avoided! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catalyzt Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Mycat-- thanks so much for that post. This reminds me of how I felt during my own episodes of SI, which were unrelated to SSRIs, but had that same weird detachment you discussed. Like, "I don't really want to kill myself, I just have this loaded gun in my mouth / am driving 100 miles per hour (etc., fill in the blank) because I want to see what it feels like." bullsh*t, of course I was suicidal, I just had kind of tricked myself into thinking I wasn't, similar to what you describe, though a bit different. And I wll remember to try to assess for this, when I finally get back into practice. I think I would ask a different kind of question, like, "Have you ever found yourself doing things that were suicidal without intending to, or making plans for a hypothetical way of hurting yourself if circumstances changed?" Selma, I am so sorry to hear of your distress. I have some profound cognitive and mental changes sometimes due to an autoimmune problem (mostly disassociation) and I used to wonder how I could continue, because these will get worse with time. But what helps me is direct interpersonal contact with other people-- basically, looking into someone's eyes, preferably in a group of people, until the mirror neurons fire up and jolt me with a big whack of... something, probably testosterone and oxytocin and dopamine. It's just that feeling that SOMEthing is working the way it should that makes me feel better, that's what helped during PSSD-- very intense relational experiences. They seemed to reset things somehow. I don't know if it would work for akathisia, but it might be worth trying. Also, when I am around other people a lot, they don't treat me like I'm weird. They have no idea I feel like I'm in a cloud, or if my sensory perception is wildly altered. I stop thinking of myself as damaged in somewhere along the way. I don't believe in the "permanent damage" model anymore than I believe in the "chemical imbalance" model. It just hasn't been my experience-- and, if you give it time, perhaps it won't be yours. 1997 -- Started Lorazepam, 1 to 1.5 mg. 2-4x per week, had been drinking 4 + drinks per day + recreational cannabis 2002 -- Started Paxil, 10 mg 1x per day for only 23 days. Blunted affect, depersonalization, odd abrasive feeling like bad LSD 2002 -- Stopped Paxil cold turkey, onset of PSSD almost immediately. Partner noticed no change, function was ok, but the most important dimension of arousal was absent. No sense of connection, utter misery. 2004 / 2005 -- Ativan increases in frequency to 1x per day, Started Ambien 1x per night after first DVT, dx changed from Lups to MCTD 2008-- Started hydrocondone & APAP 5mg x 500 x2 per day, though 4 days out of 45 I would take x3 per day 2010 -- Started group therapy with classmates, PSSD resolved completely & permanently in 1 session 2011 -- Resumed drinking about 3-4 drinks per night. 2013 -- Took Flagyl (metronidazole) with alcohol, had a near-psychotic break, uncontrollable rumination. 2014 -- Started AA, stopped drinking and all recreation drugs. End of the nightmare. Continued Lorazepam. 2016 -- GP forced taper of opiates, psychiatrist disputed, negotiated compromise Norco 5mg/500 x2 5x /week. No withdrawal. 2023 -- No changes, still 1 to 1.3 mg. Ativan per day, stopped Ambien, no other psych meds, no alcohol or recreational drugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliG Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I know this is an old topic but Barbara and Starlitegirlx , I can relate. Some days you just have to get through. Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014 Psych Drug - free since May 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliG Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 How do you know , what symptoms are you, and what is the drug, or a lifetime of drugs!!! Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014 Psych Drug - free since May 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliG Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I agree, degen, when your favourite music comes on and you're like - "don't care' . Then you know something's wrong! Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014 Psych Drug - free since May 2014 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GardeniaBlossom Posted June 8, 2015 Share Posted June 8, 2015 Thank you, Petunia, mlrp, and Alto. What you wrote were gifts. One day I hope I will have something to share here. After being on (over 25) psychiatric meds continuously during a 16 year period, I began in July 2014 to taper off 1mg Klonopin. In September 2014, I came off Brintellix, Trazadone, Zoloft, Proprityline & Hydroxyzine in 2 weeks on my own without knowledge on how to taper properly. I've been off all psych "meds" since 10/2014 and am currently experiencing protracted withdrawal. Medication history: Vibryd, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Prozac, Xanax, Celexa, Cymbalta, Trileptal, Lamictal, Abilify, Zoloft, Trazadone, Citalopram, Effexor, Seroquel, Klonopin, Paxil, Brintellix, Protriptyline, Lexapro, Pristiq, Buspar, Clonidine, Lorazepam, Notriptyline, Hydroxyzine, Serzone. Introduction: http://bit.ly/1SIxWwl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Emeritus manymoretodays Posted June 8, 2015 Moderator Emeritus Share Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks for the bump GB. Now this will show as part of "my content". Good putting into words something so difficult to describe all of you!! The walking backwards(and I will add through the squishy cool mud) with one's eyes closed hit the spot. And I am onto discovering the joys of kefir!!! Late 2023- gone to emeritus status, inactive, don't @ me, I can check who I've posted on, and I'm not really here like I used to be......thanks. Started with psycho meds/psychiatric care circa 1988. In retrospect, and on contemplation, situational overwhelm. Rounding up to 30 years of medications(30 medication trials, poly-pharmacy maximum was 3 at one time). 5/28/2015-off Adderal salts 2.5mg. (I had been on that since hospital 10/2014) 12/2015---just holding, holding, holding, with trileptal/oxcarb at 75 mg. 1/2 tab at hs. My last psycho med ever! Tapered @ 10% every 4 weeks, sometimes 2 weeks to 2016 Dec 16, medication free!! Longer signature post here, with current supplements. Herb and alcohol free since 5/15/2016. And.....I quit smoking 11/2021. Lapsed. Redo of quit smoking 9/28/2022. Can you say Hallelujah?(took me long enough)💜 None of my posts are intended as medical advice. Please discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical provider. My success story: Blue skies ahead, clear sailing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oskcajga Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms. This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere. Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.) For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes. Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was. Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal). There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way. What has healing felt like for you? Your description of a dark cloud slowly getting lighter is pretty much the way it has been for me. I was healing more or less gradually for about 9-10 months before I smoked pot with a combination of adderall, and totally REVERSED all healing that took place - it was like the clouds had begun to clear when all of a sudden a STRONG thuderstorm just overtook my life. That thunderstorm is now slowly dissipating but it's still much darker than it was 13 months ago before I smoked the pot while coming down from adderall. I haven't had too many windows, mostly just gradual improvement. DP/DR has gotten much better but I still feel high as a kyte and out of it quite often. I expect the thunderstorm to continue to clear in the coming years, but I completely expect this condition to last for a very long time. I'll definitely let everyone know when I get my first long window. Thanks for the post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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