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Progress! What withdrawal symptoms have gone away for you?


Rhiannon

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I think the drugs make us feel so unbelievably miserable that dwelling on a way to get out of the misery is a normal reaction.  And I'm not sure if it's a human inclination or part of the spellbinding that occurs with antidepressants, but many, many of our forum members have been convinced, in early withdrawal, that they would feel horrible forever and never recover from withdrawal.  I still have days when that thought scares me something awful, even though the rational part of my mind knows it isn't so.

 

Other drugs can also cause this kind of misery and suicidal ideation.  I got on antidepressants following a depressive crash which I now know came from being on Lipitor and having my cholesterol drop to 134, which my doctor should have known was dangerous.  (There was a well-conducted study run in 1990 proving that cholesterol below 160 caused all sorts of problems, including depression.)  I've experience depression from Melatonin and antihistamines.

 

Chemicals can cause all sorts of feelings, good and bad, and I'm getting good and leary of any kind of drug.

 

 

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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hey mammaP, there's a reply for you in 'Alligators', I came here next and you are still tickling my funny bone with this:

 

 

( thanks CW for the kick up the bum )

 

Whatever works, sweetie, for us to get about the process of rebuilding our shattered lives. That's all I was getting at and ahem, you kicked YOURSELF in the bum by running with it. You just rock!!!! (We have lots to share about hoard cleaning!) It's kind of a metaphor for cleaning up our lives too. For me especially because I need to find a way of looking at life that doesn't keep leading to depression in its chaotic-ness.

 

On a more serious note, a long time ago I had a friend who related a story about why she couldn't take steroids. She either became suicidal or homicidal, I don't remember. My medical training (nursing) dismissed it as impossible but I later found out is is rare but does indeed happen. And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans? (I hope Jemima still checks in here because if that statement needs to be deleted I hope it gets done.) Any drug can have paradoxical effects on ANYONE. And stuff we have taken in the past, even some supplements, can turn on us in the future. Luckily it's rare.

 

I am sure we here are a relatively small subset of people who are able to talk about this whole thing in a way not currently in total sync with the 'medical model' (thinking of the tapering and recovery aspect). (In FL where I live you can get B@ker-Acted for voicing these thoughts.) {the special character is to confuse the goog bot, we're not totally private here, PM me if you want to know what I'm talking about} My dad had a 'breakdown' (depression) when I was in my 20's. He had ECT and was given meds which he took for only a short time. The doc said, when my dad asked if he still had to take them, 'Not if you don't think you need them', he didn't think he did so he stopped and never had a depressive episode again. I am sure there are many who have found relief in the same way, we just don't hear as much about them.

 

We NEED to be able to talk about this stuff in a safe, caring place.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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"And I think Barb's category is a third one, for me: just feeling like life is too long and too full of suffering and I just really hope I don't have to go through much more of it, and feeling like I'd be grateful if it ended soon. Maybe not right this minute, but before too long."

 

Exactly, Rhi. Life has been so very long. My ordeal started in '93 when I began Zoloft which led to bruxism / chronic pain / disability.... I feel like I've done my time here in this life.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans?

 

Actually this is just one of the drug companies' ways of covering up the increase in suicidal ideation and attempts in people when they start ADs.  It occurs at all ages, but the black box warning is particularly for younger people. The way the drug companies explain the higher incidence of suicide attempts in young people on ADs versus young people on placebo is by saying oh, they were depressed and suicidal anyway, and the AD just gave them the energy to do something about it, unlike the kids on placebo.

 

I think it's BS and coverup.  They have other tricks now (like calling suicidality "emotional lability").

 

You can read about this fun stuff in Anatomy of an Epidemic if you want, although if you're trying to stay positive right now you may want to save it for a while...

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Oh lord, Rhi,

 

Is there nothing in this world I can take at face value anymore? I am too tired to read the original poster's question and why I thought I had anything to contribute in the way of support. Seems as though I just keep parroting what I have read or heard and it may all be meaningless anyway. I'm bummed...... :( Will have to save Whittaker for later ('Anatomy', right?)

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Oh lord, Rhi,

 

Is there nothing in this world I can take at face value anymore? I am too tired to read the original poster's question and why I thought I had anything to contribute in the way of support. Seems as though I just keep parroting what I have read or heard and it may all be meaningless anyway. I'm bummed...... :( Will have to save Whittaker for later ('Anatomy', right?)

 

CW you always contribute so much in the way of support! Plus giggles.

 

Frankly just your avatar alone always makes me grin.  :-)  You could just post a listing of your alphabetized sock drawer with the hip kitty sitting over there, and I'd get a lift from it.

 

But when it comes to psych meds and the propaganda surrounding them, no, there's not much you can take at face value.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Thanks Rhi,

 

(You know that's MY kitty, right?) (and all of my socks are white)

 

I just had a long ago computer client of mine call me tonight, she wanted ME after all these years. Turns out she has a rare form of cancer. Anyhow, after a recent surgery she was given a med to control nausea that gave her outright hallucinations. She demanded to know what it was and the nurse finally admitted it was an antipsychotic 'that is very helpful for nausea'. whattheflock?????? She was hopping mad and refused to fill any of the scripts she was given, even the AB's. Tumors all over, in her bones. Yet she's sounding upbeat and wants me to fix her computer.

 

I nearly scared myself poopless this afternoon when I spied something on BeyondMeds (or maybe the FB page?) about a post on Cymbalta withdrawal being the most popular. Seems C is a nasty bite in the a$$ drug to come off. Permanent damage, ill for 10 years or more, all this stuff in the search result synopses that went on for page after page (when I g00gled the term). My heart just broke and it breaks every time I read the intro posts of some who have come to SA.

 

I read the whole thread on 'brain zaps' today. I had 'em and they were bad. I remember having to drive my car and how scary it was. Pains everywhere, hair coming out in clumps, sweating like a truck driver, can't remember if I slept or not, awful night mares. 120 mg Cymbalta/100 or 150mg Lamotrigine every day for 4 or 5 years like the good medication-compliant patient I was. Somehow I took it all in stride (the withdrawal). (Three days of the most horrific pain in my head, like someone was twisting a hot poker in there, and puking my guts out, even all of the pain pills I scrounged out of my stash. Drove myself to the ER, they filled me full of Dilaudid and some anti-nausea sh1t and 10 hours later I convinced them I was well enough to drive myself home. I distinctly remember falling asleep at the wheel twice). I remember the odd sensation of feeling in my skin coming back (I didn't know it was ever gone!) and even realized that inside, where my organs are, there was now feeling again.

 

Ah, cr@p, I am too emotional tonight, too tired to erase this post because I think it's all in my intro somewhere. Lots of really strong emotions coming up, especially when I heard about my client. Too much happened this week.

 

But I'm glad I gave you giggles! Somehow, you saying that, makes it all right for me.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • 4 weeks later...

What keeps you from attempting and/or completing it? Many people say that they think of "mother, father, child, husband, etc" and how it would hurt them. I have nobody. I'm estranged from my family of origin (only father and drug addict sister remaining), there are no kids, nieces/nephews, very few friends and most have been expecting me to end things for many years even though I've never attempted. Husband is very distant and has said his life would be easier without me. I'm struggling to find any reason to stay alive and made a half-hearted, impulsive attempt last week (handful of ibuprofen).

 

I'm 2 years out from my last Pristiq (8 month sloppy taper). This is just too much to bear after losing so much of my life since the 1990s when I had onset of severe chronic pain after starting SSRIs and finally was forcibly medically retired. I had a few decent years since 1993, but overall, I feel like I have nothing left, absutely no will to live.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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As BKS Iyengar said, "Pain is a great philosopher. It thinks nothing but how to get rid of itself," and the ongoing pain of severe depression for me has caused me to feel the same as you. Today I started thinking my life has been a waste, it's too late, I don't enough have time left to get better, the withdrawal is going to be too much, etc. etc.....

 

I think some of this is part of the trauma of psychiatric medication - the fact that it makes some people worse and they don't realize it until years later and then there is all the rage and regret that maybe wants to get turned inwards? I think I am going through some of that now after a failed WD and then CT too fast.

 

I just feel traumatized that my life has gone this badly for this long and I don't know if it will ever get better. But I have to go easy as possible with it all and not quit because there may well come a day where I am off Cymbalta and will be glad I stuck it out - that I will appreciate the time I have left and do good things with it yet!! And honestly, even on these meds, some wonderful and great things have happened and I've had some good experiences and a dog that needs me....That's my big one. I realized yesterday I am living for my relationship with my dog. He needs me and I need him. He gets me up and out when I don't want to leave the house - for him.

Finished slow taper on 4/6/14 from 20 mg to 6 beads over period of almost a year on Cymbalta and then quit cannabis around the time I DC'd Cymbalta.

Tried to go off completely 8/13 - 8/20 (didn't work) - Reinstated 10mg on 8/21/13

Off Adderall (2010 -2013) after 3.5 years since July 12th, 2013

Taking Tramadol 50 mg since 2007 for chronic pain

Lamictal 450 mg (from 2007 - 2009)

Lexapro (2004-2007 30 mg?)

Ambien (2009-2010)

Trazadone (2010-2011 for sleep)

2008-2010 -Trials of Wellbutrin, Paxil, Ritalin, Concerta, Effexor, Risperdal, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal

Earlier history includes - long courses of Tricyclics, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil. Serzone, Celexa, Remeron, Zoloft for shorter periods.

Haldol, Lithium, Stelazine. Xanax, Clonipin, and Ativan have been used on and off, mostly Clonipin. Went through serious Xanax withdrawal a couple times in my life so far. Methadone (2003-2005 - psychiatrist/pain management doctor decided that was the first thing I ought to try for moderate chronic pain).  MS Contin 2005-2007 (aka Morphine)

 

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"That's my big one. I realized yesterday I am living for my relationship with my dog. He needs me and I need him. He gets me up and out when I don't want to leave the house - for him."
 
I SO relate to this...there have been numerous times when my beautiful dog is what keeps me going...going to work, going out, etc.  I, also, have no one in my life here at all. My family is in another state, and want nothing to do with my "troubles", and  since I lived in another country in a different life for a dozen years, I have no intact relationships here.  I have even at times thought about finding a place for my dog to go, but I just love him so much, and I don't have the finances to send him the only place where I know he would be loved (his "grandma's" ).  
 
So I keep hanging on.
 
All  I keep waiting for is that "one day' when I will have the will, or the energy, or some miracle 'spark' to get something restarted in life.  

Edited by Petu
fixed text

Pristiq August 2012 till April 2012.  

Quit cold turkey.  Severe withdrawal, suffered through till June. Wellbutrin 150 mg  2 weeks,  and Klonopin .5 as needed, with target of no meds as soon as stable.

Tapered Wellbutrin over 4-5 week period.

Last Wellbutrin (17mg) Aug 9

now taking only the occasional Klonopin, having adverse reactions.

.

 

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You walked into the pool with your cellphone in your pocket? Is it okay if that image makes me laugh? I'm sorry, it's not that your misfortune is amusing to me per se, but that sounds so exactly like something I would do!

 

I find that my own experience fits with what Barb said about not wanting to live being different from wanting to die. They use the terms "active" and "passive" suicidality too. Active, for me, is when (like when I took Paxil and when I CT'd Neurontin) I become practically obsessed with the idea and start really researching ways to make it happen and actually figuring out plans. "Passive" is more like wishing a satellite would fall from the sky onto my head and kill me, but not actively pursuing plans. And I think Barb's category is a third one, for me: just feeling like life is too long and too full of suffering and I just really hope I don't have to go through much more of it, and feeling like I'd be grateful if it ended soon. Maybe not right this minute, but before too long.

 

I don't get the first two any more.  The active kind went away about six to eight months into my taper, I think maybe once I got pretty stable with the withdrawal. The passive kind took longer, about another year and a half into the taper, as I got to lower doses of the meds. I still get the "not really wanting to live but not really wanting to die right now" kind pretty often, usually when I'm not getting enough sleep or exercise or hugs or social times, or when I'm having withdrawal from a cut.

 

I did discover the time I actually did attempt (back when I was still on the polydrug merry-go-round) that even when I'm feeling extremely suicidal it's very hard for me to actually hurt myself. I don't think I could do it again.

 

Anyway, I think these stupid drugs cause way more suicidality than anyone official wants to admit, both when you take them and when you withdraw from them. 

Thank you for this post.....and putting this into words.

Pristiq August 2012 till April 2012.  

Quit cold turkey.  Severe withdrawal, suffered through till June. Wellbutrin 150 mg  2 weeks,  and Klonopin .5 as needed, with target of no meds as soon as stable.

Tapered Wellbutrin over 4-5 week period.

Last Wellbutrin (17mg) Aug 9

now taking only the occasional Klonopin, having adverse reactions.

.

 

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I surely can relate to this feeling. I have had SI a lot over the last few weeks. I've been trying to taper Klonopin, and can't because it seems i did not stabilize on it after a hard crossover from Xanax. And other attempted crosses from X to K back and forth 4 times in 6 months.

 

And klonopin is a depressing drug at the level I'm at anyway. So I have a husband I've been married to for 41 years this December, and he has a TBI, and he needs me. And I have a cat, Pepper, who also needs me. So they keep me going, and if it weren't for them, I don't know that I wouldn't form a plan.

 

I also have 2 grown daughters, and we all get along, and 4 grandchildren (I was married young), and a supportive family, but no one really gets this, and it's just very hard. So I feel that if I didn't have my husband and my little cat, it would be a whole different situation. I've also had and have a good career, but somehow I've lost interest in a lot of it.

 

And I will have a rough time getting off this drug as I've tried, but apparently not ready. And may not be able to unless I detox or really go through a rough, rough w/d.

 

Well, just saying I understand. No analysis. Just my feelings.

 

Marie

On Xanax 10 years for anxiety, 2 mgs, night only. Attempted my own taper w/o understanding the dependency issues.

 

Researched and then understood the need for longer half life med. Doctor crossed me from X to klonopin 4 times in 6 months. Last time on X, she up dosed me to 3 mgs X.

 

On last cross attempt, ended up in ER with profound w/d sx from X. Got new doctor. Final cross to K, structured, slow was completed 6/5/12-12/5/12.

 

Attempting liquid micro taper from K. Difficulty with micro cuts; significant w/d sx requiring several weeks of holding after each cut. Also concerned if it's possible to use pill/liquid combo for dosing.

 

Hope I Meet Other Benzo Taperers Here! I have tried ADs in past. Could not tolerate them, gave up trying, none for over 12 years.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kg5YMQxKIY4&feature=youtu.be

 

Dr Peter Breggin on how to help the suicidally depressed. I love this man! 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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The meds blunt your ability to cope while changing how your brain works. Things that I consider regarding this topic are:

 

1) neuro emotions - when going off we get these extreme surges of emotions. That tells me that these drugs have alway tampered with our emotions. Often we see 'blunt affect' or lack of emotions. Sometimes they trigger abnormal rage and hostility like prozac has been known to do. Hell, they were involved in 60 shootings (mass and school were the groups). So they screw with our emotions. In my case, over time I became wholly apathetic with brief windows up normal and hopeful but that was not the norm.

 

2) We stop learning and using coping skills. What's the first thing most people do? Change drugs, increase drugs. Instead of thinking 'how can I handle this without using drugs?' we got right for the drugs. The doctors enable us in this. The whole thing is dysfunctional. My PDoc never really did ANY kind of therapy with me. He just asked about what was going on in life - FOR HIS RECORDS and a bit of a 'checking in' type thing. When I brought up that I was using meditation, acceptance and other buddhist techniques and practices that I started learning back in 2005 when the drugs began turning on me (only I didn't realize it was the drugs) he pretty much dismissed them and even kind of insulted them. Also mentioned his wife used some of the same practices with her in the day clinic where people would come for the day while recovering and adjusting to the drugs (how telling is that!) and he said he would debate the efficicay of these 'tools' with her feeling they were not helpful. So his only line of tx for a patient is to drug them. Poly drug them. Give drugs that sedate when patient doesn't respond.

 

This is the norm for dealing with people who have episodes of depression. When was the last time anyone in the medical field taught any of us a coping skill (aside from a therapist who may or may not teach these invaluable tools)? For me, NEVER. NOT ONCE. NOT EVER.

 

This morning I had a disturbing revelation. My mother is the reason I am in this mess. That and because no one person in my life, not even therapists, ever taught me coping tools or skill. See, my mother is a control freak, has always screwed with my life by controlling my decisions. When I tried to go away to college across the country she interfered and WOULD NOT ALLOW it. I was about 19 or 20 at the time. She maniupalted my father and uncle on this point and my uncle who had plenty of money ended up footing part of the bill for me to go to a local fly by nite school that had lame subpar courses in what I wanted to get a degree for. Said school later closed. My mother was shocked but I said that I had told her from minute one that is was awful. She denies any of this took place as I have stated. She's good at that - denying the fallout of her manipulations. Meanwhile, I was stuck with a loan from said school for several thousands of dollars, got nothing out of it as it couldn't even be applied when I went to a real college. And for kicks, I got raped during that time frame while going to at that school, but had I gone away that would havenever happend. I am sharing all of this to set the tone for how I ended up diagnosed bipolar and suicidal being poly drugged. See, it was stress of living with her. I spent several years of my life trying to escape her control. Thwarted at ever turn.

 

Now, I still live with her and have learned to accept this fate and it has only improved in that I  have learned to ignore her and avoid her as much as possible. She is crazier than ever though. Back 25 years ago I struggled  while living with her and trying to get away and when I saw no way out (jobs I had after college when I finally went locally - that was allowed- were not enough to survive on due to high cost of living in this state and I feared roommates because I hate an innate distrust of people after the rape and my mothers tactics and treatment of me). That trapped feeling of doom I felt from not being able to get away finally hit the limit when I did not get into grad school years later due to low scores on the exam that gets you in. I became suicidal. (I should include that she is also manipulative and was verbally abusive back then whereas now she plays the victim). This stress of needing to get away from her which had been going on for SEVERAL years finally drove me to suicidal ideation. She always told me I could never survive out in the world though put it in a variety of ways. When I failed to even escape her clutches I believed it.

 

All of this is very important in makiing my point because had anyone helped me with coping skills, helped me develop ways to deal with this situation as well as find ways I could move out and survive on my income - if ANYONE had worked with me on those things or given me the tools to cope better and see that the beliefs she pounded into me quite regularly were NOT FACTS, I wouldn't be in this forum. I would have found a way out  and have not become so depressed that I ended up on ADs and benzos and also SSDI.  My life would have gone quite differently. Instead, they handed me a bunch of pills to keep me from being suicidal rather than address the issues  with me and help me cope better. Most interesting is that EVERYONE saw she was a problem. EVERY doctor recognized that she was either the problem or making things worse. They even tried to put HER in couples therapy with my dad to improve my environment but they DID NOT do a thing to help me cope better. So really I guess there is also a laziness component as these docs just want to hand out the pills and not treat the patient as an individual.

 

I maintain that this is often the case. Situations trigger depressions. We see it all the time. The situations don't let up and the person is not taught to cope with the situation and/or problem solve to find alternatives out of the situation where possible and viola. They end up suicidal, depressed, etc and eventually drugged. Welcome to our warped society. Then the drugs become your coping tool while changing your brain and emotional responses and now you are stuck in this cycle. Also, if those original issues that were the reason you got on the drugs are still there, then the stressor never really leaves and can trigger suicidal ideation without you realizing what it is because now the drugs have made you docile and compliant and unable to cope with the real issue that got you into this situation. Then they mess with your emotions even more and now you are in a grand old mess.

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Starlitegirl I totally agree with you that drugs are pushed on people who then don't learn to cope. 

 

I'm sorry to read your story of manipulation by your mother and that you still have to share a home with her after all 

that.  :(  I'm glad you found this site and can now be empowered to change things for yourself. I hope that

you will soon be free of these drugs and be able to get a life you deserve, one that is peaceful and fulfilling. 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Starlitegirl I totally agree with you that drugs are pushed on people who then don't learn to cope. 

 

I'm sorry to read your story of manipulation by your mother and that you still have to share a home with her after all 

that.  :(  I'm glad you found this site and can now be empowered to change things for yourself. I hope that

you will soon be free of these drugs and be able to get a life you deserve, one that is peaceful and fulfilling. 

 

Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.

 

Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

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And isn't there something about younger people and ADs where they have to be watched for suicide because as they start to feel better (i.e. the depression lifts) they often have the energy to complete their plans?

 

I think it's BS and coverup.  They have other tricks now (like calling suicidality "emotional lability").

 

You can read about this fun stuff in Anatomy of an Epidemic if you want, although if you're trying to stay positive right now you may want to save it for a while...

 

 

Thanks for the laugh, Rhi. Nothing like a good laugh to make the day better. Yes, I will be avoiding that read. You just highlighted the important stuff and in a much more amusing way. Thanks!

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I think it's important to remember thinking of suicide occasionally is very common. Why not? It's in front of us all the time, in the news and so forth. It's an exaggeration to call all thoughts of suicide "suicidality" or "suicidal ideation."

 

http://www.med.upenn.edu/psychotherapy/user_documents/SuicideThreethingstokeepinmind.html

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

Starlitegirl,I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.....YOU AMAZE ME!! Our situations are so similar but I have none of the peace you do. "Time flies fast enough.."?? I WISH I could feel that! I recently got in touch with someone from my high school graduating class who has remarkably similar medical problems (if I go with the "CNS Sjogrens Lupus" diagnosis). She has a good marriage and family, had to go on disability recently (pharmacy tech), but spends most of her time in bed due to the crushing fatigue of lupus and multiple other autoimmune disorders. She understood the desire to not live any longer if it means living indefinitely holed up and with no quality of life. Her ordeal began many years ago also and she's been through more health issues/surgeries than I have: "around 22, i had a spontaneous pneumorathax...5 years ago i had a large calf vein burst sponteaneously... all my female issues, 6 pre cancer colon polyps, 2 breast lumps removed, 3 kidney stones surgicaly removed, ibs, gastrititis, migraine.."She has been on SSRIs for many years and has severe blood issues. I don't know if any of it is related but SSRIs do trigger autoimmunity. It was oddly comforting to chat with someone else who understands how chronic issues can wear down one's desire to continue with life. Sorry for the tangent.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Due to my situation... currently a benzo taper that will likely last 4 years or more, not counting any kind of post taper WD, the fact that I am 45 and on SSDI.... I do not see any way I will ever escape this situation. Figure by 50 I'm done with my taper and have no issues after my last dose - that means I am 50 and on SSDI. What could I do at 50 on SSDI? So it won't be soon and when it is done, there really is no way to change my situation of having very little money to survive on. This is it for me. All I can do is make the days as peaceful or plesant as possible. Because of the WD that tends to be TV, movies and video games. Not much of a life, but the best I can do and if I don't pay attention, the time flies fast enough.Thank you though for the kind thoughts. I do appreciate that.

Starlitegirl,I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.....YOU AMAZE ME!! Our situations are so similar but I have none of the peace you do."Time flies fast enough.."?? I WISH I could feel that! 

 

Oh I had NO PEACE for a VERY long time. Then I realized that the 'very long time' as I look back has gone by rather quickly. Maybe there were specific times that it seemed to drag, but mostly it went by fairly quickly.

 

I've found that distraction is the key. Because I love TV (certain shows) and some movies (most are crap these days though) and I don't mind watching reruns of favorite shows, mainly scifi (god I love scifi - almost makes life worth living!) and some other fun ones plus my newest enjoyment of video games - I find that these things make time pass at a speed that is more than tolerable. And then there's time on forums, surfing the net occasionally, or whatever else sends me off on a tangent where I'm distracted, something has my interest and time is passing... those are the key to peace. Really. I cannot emphasize enough how important distraction is to survival in situations like ours. And not just survival but if you are interested in your distraction or better yet if you are enjoying it, well, then it's not just survival anymore. It's time well spent enjoying something. I used to watch Frasier reruns like crazy. Might get back to them at some point. I don't even care that they are psychiatrists because drugs never really come up. It's all about how NUTS they both are which equals happy distraction.

 

Yep. That's the key. What is it that you like to do and can do that is a good distraction. Find it and you've got yourself some peace.

 

EDITED TO ADD: Turns out that negative comment "EASILY DISTRACTED" that teachers always put on my report card is the one thing I've truly got working in my favor these days. Guess I should find those teachers and tell them how wrong they were to make that a negative thing. Turns out it's quite positive. Ha!

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I'm having great difficulty distracting myself because I seem to have lost my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness. I assume this is part of the apathy, emotional anesthesia, and resultant mental akathisia (?). It's awful and makes each day go on forever and the future seem even emptier and longer. Related is the "time warp" / dyschronometria (disvussed in another thread) that MAY be related to location of lesions that appeared in MRI. (I didn't get the impression that it's a common symptom with others).

 

This seems to have gotten worse over the last year or two, possibly after DCing the stimulant I was on (developing paradoxical response).

 

I really wish I had never gotten that MRI. :(

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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SI is something I have struggled with a bit, never like I have in WD. I made a plan at one point. I keep going for the hope one day, I will wake up and feel again.

I am off of all meds as of May 20th, 2013, after 5 weeks on Zoloft and a 4 week taper. Still experiencing: moderate anhedonia & PSSD, I am otherwise mostly healed. 

 

2.1 years off of medication. 

 

"If I walk away, don't hate me. I've got to see where the pain will take me.

 

I found no angels...I found myself."

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I'm having great difficulty distracting myself because I seem to have lost my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness. I assume this is part of the apathy, emotional anesthesia, and resultant mental akathisia (?). It's awful and makes each day go on forever and the future seem even emptier and longer. Related is the "time warp" / dyschronometria (disvussed in another thread) that MAY be related to location of lesions that appeared in MRI. (I didn't get the impression that it's a common symptom with others).This seems to have gotten worse over the last year or two, possibly after DCing the stimulant I was on (developing paradoxical response).I really wish I had never gotten that MRI. :(

 

My distractions are basically all interests I had before all of this. So now I use them as distractions. What things did you enjoy doing before that you still can do?

 

I'm sorry about the MRI. Sometimes it is best to not know but then it can nag at you if it's hard to let go of the not knowing or fearing that knowing could make things better - give you a solution of sorts.

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Doctors don't talk of curing or healing damage in the brain, only slowing its progression and prolonging life with more drugs (chemo, antimalarials, for example). Hence, my "it's ok if it's all over soon" outlook.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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MamaP......there have been many times when I wished I could lean against a wall and drop dead, because I knew I could never hurt myself ~ and ~ I couldn't deal with the misery whether it was WD or personal, financial problems.

 

I remember the first time I had the suicide ideation while WDing from Lexapro....it scared the daylights out of me.  I didn't understand it and then I saw threads on it at paxilprogress and realized I wasn't alone and it was part of WD.  A very scary part of WD.

 

Once I knew what it was the level of fear greatly decreased.

 

Hugs

Intro: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1902-nikki-hi-my-rundown-with-ads/

 

Paxil 1997-2004

Crossed over to Lexapro Paxil not available

at Pharmacies GSK halted deliveries

Lexapro 40mgs

Lexapro taper (2years)

Imipramine

Imipramine and Celexa

Now Nefazadone/Imipramine 50mgs. each

45mgs. Serzone  50mgs. Imipramine

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

It is so moving reading of everyone's experiences here . It really does emphasise that we aren't alone with this.

I feel so much better right now but still have days when I consider ending it all. Just knowing what's happening 

and that I am not alone makes it much better. It is so strange just now that I can feel so much better yet still that

keeps popping into my head. I know it isn't really me but I still come back to that question 'how can a drug do this'?

There isn't a shadow of doubt for me that it started with paroxetine, 20 years ago. I didn't feel suicidal on effexor

though, only in withdrawal  then it was all consuming for a while, just like it was on paroxetine. 

These drugs are downright dangerous! 

 

I found this article today about suicide rates being much higher in Scotland than England. I just found it interesting how

that is explained away. 

 

http://www.deadlinenews.co.uk/2012/06/11/scots-suicide-rate-higher-than-rest-of-uk/

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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MammaP you are NOT alone at all.

 

These drugs should really all come with black box warnings that state very clearly that there is a possibility that WHEN you choose to go off this drug there may be withdrawal and even protracted withdrawal if not done safely. Then people would:

 

1) decided not to go on it given that risk if they haven't taken it already

2) be made aware of what could happen if they stopped abruptly and that would trigger them to perhaps seek information out on the web for something they did not know was a possibility and maybe even ask their doc who would likely brush it off which would hopefully make the person wonder why the doc just blew off a BLACK BOX warning. Then they would learn about the safer ways to taper and be well informed.

 

I think just those two things would save millions of people needless suffering or at the very least limit it.

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That's interesting.  I would interpret the higher suicide rate in Scotland as the result of the higher rate of prescribing psychiatric drugs. Let's hope someone across the pond figures that out.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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That's just what I thought Jemima but wanted to see if anyone else saw that too! 

 

Starlight girl I think when I went on effexor the doctor did mention that they were hard to come off

but I was in such a state that I don't think I cared about coming off, I just wanted relief at the time.

I was in withdrawal from another cocktail and in hospital being treated for a relapse  :angry:!

 I vaguely remember her saying it but not emphasising it. If she had told me that eventually I would

be like a zombie, not coherant and forgetting my own children's names, and that stopping it would

make me feel much worse than I did at the time so I would be on it for life with all the symptoms of dementia

.....then I would have left it alone! 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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  • 4 months later...
  • Administrator

Recovery from withdrawal syndrome is so gradual and so unlike healing from anything else we're used to. Symptoms come in waves, change, and mutate into other symptoms.

 

This is confusing and discouraging. It seems we're going nowhere.

 

Yet, often when you look back on where you were 6 months ago, you can see there's been progress in healing. (Reading your Intro topic when you're discouraged can remind you of this.)

 

For example, I had intense depersonalization for several years. Early on, there were a few occasions where I did not even recognize the street where I lived for decades. One of these happened while I was driving. It was terrifying. But it did pass in a few minutes.

 

Gradually, over time, the sense of depersonalization gradually dissipated, like dark clouds getting lighter and lighter. Then, there was the day when I realized I felt fully present! What a great feeling that was.

 

Something similar happened with post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD). AT first, I felt complete genital anesthesia. In the first year, feeling gradually came back. Over the following years, sexual response gradually came back. Orgasm was absent, then faint, then intermittent. Now it's restored to close to normal, and libido is present (though not like it was; I'm menopausal).

 

There were many other symptoms that faded in the same way.

 

What has healing felt like for you?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Hey Alto,

 

Great thread. I want to reiterate something you said that has been helpful for me - things do come in windows and waves, but looking back 3-6 months can serve as a reliable indicator as to whether you're improving. I would also describe the improvements I've had, in every area, as gradual, almost imperceptible, but undeniable when I've really thought about my experience carefully. 

 

Nick

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Can you describe how any specific symptoms changed, Nick?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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For me,it's anxiety, anhedonia and depression, they still here, in the windows and waves pattern,but much less intense.

There are other symptoms like tinnitus and insomnia that are more perstistent.

I am worried that my insomnia is not improving.

PSSD still here in the form of premature ejaculation.I feel a little more control though.I think this is not as bad as other cases I've read about.

Neuro-fear and hopelessness come and goes, depending on the night's sleep.

I don't know why insomnia scares me so much.

I've seen improvement and I want to believe it will be getting better.

I've read that 18 months is early for protacted w/d.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

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What does healing feel like to me?

 

Its like waking suddenly at 6am with my mind fully alert, body tense and shaking on the inside as fearful thoughts start to roll along, one after another, reminding me that I'm still broken, today isn't going to be the day my life is fixed.  But then at some point I realize that I have just slept through the entire night, when that wasn't always the case.  I remember the nights when I would wake at 3am, 4am and 5am and not be able to go back to sleep, those nights are rare now.

 

There are those days where I'm feeling slightly better and I push myself to do a few of the things I need to do, but then suddenly feel exhausted, So I lay down and fall asleep.  Then wake up suddenly, not knowing where I am or what day it is.  Then I remember, look at the time and realize that I have been asleep for a whole hour, during the day, two months ago that wasn't possible.  Up until very recently, my body has been hyper-stimulated during the day and unable to fall asleep, it must be starting to settle down.

 

Healing from withdrawal is like spending the morning feeling so bad I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to take it, but I hang on and get through each moment, trying to find things to distract me, to occupy my terrified mind and keep it calm until suddenly, I find myself outside raking up leaves in the sun and I realize it doesn't feel as bad as the last time I raked leaves.

 

I come inside and jump in the shower with only slight hesitation.  Then half way through washing my hair realize that a year ago, it took me several days to build up the 'courage' to get myself in the shower, and that the fear I felt through the whole process had been overwhelming.  Now there is no fear during the actual process of showering, only some frustration because of the slow running drain and coming to terms with the reality that one of these days I'm going to have to handle calling a plumber.... but not today.

 

Healing from withdrawal feels like not healing at all and being certain that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life and wondering if I'm going to have the strength to endure it.  But then finding myself driving in my car, completely relaxed, not worried about anything, remembering how at first, driving anywhere caused a continual state of panic until I got back home. I would put things off for days if I could, just so I could avoid the added stress.  Now, there is some residual fear associated with driving, caused by the memory of actually having to do it in such an intense state of fear, but once I get in the car, I relax.  It wasn't driving which caused the fear, the fear was there anyway.  A secondary fear was created out of the horrendous experience of having to drive around while being in a state of panic, I don't recommend it.

 

Healing is like feeling really awful and believing that its just getting worse and worse, until I think back carefully or read back through my thread or journal and see the truth about just how bad it was, compared to now.  It only seems like its getting worse.  Maybe its because its been going on so long, its wearing me down and wearing me out.

 

Healing is like walking backwards somewhere with your eyes closed.  You have no idea where you are heading, and you don't know where you have been until you get somewhere else and open your eyes for a few moments and look back towards where you came from.  Then you close them again and keep going.

 

Sometimes healing feels like I am standing still while the rest of the world races by, leaving me behind, and I panic.  But then I calm down and notice that no one is going anywhere.  Everyone else is racing around and around in circles and I'm sitting calmly and peacefully in the center, knowing that everything I need is right here.

 

 

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Petu that is so well written. It's just like that. It made me cry. 

2002? zoloft.  Start of synthroid unknown.

2002? switched to paxil  - Developed restless leg syndrome. stopped all caffeine which helped for many years.

2003? switched to effexor XL 75 mg. May 2012 began taper

July 2012 stopped all effexor . Usual WD symptoms, lost excess weight, had more energy. RLS stopped immediately!

Sept 2012 depression off and on, increasing. Tried tryptophan and acupuncture

Dec 2012 severe anxiety began

February 2013 used magnolia bark for anxiety - helped but developed central sleep apnea, so I stopped it

by April 2013- stopped tryptophan, using saffron herb successfully and started HRT

June 2013 doctor noticed bradycardia. I tried very small dose cytomel sev days for hypothyroidism but seemed to strain my heart.

July 2013 stopped saffron due to slow heart and palpitations - did not help.

July 2013 Increased synthroid from 50mg to 75mg. depression and anxiety improved. Heart problems continue.

September & October 2013 - 2 month course of antibiotic for possbile lyme disease - mood and anxiety improved further.  Heart pvc's flair up at times. 

 

 

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  • Mentor

Really great topic! it's got me thinking. How different people really are.

 

After stopping medications I felt dramatically different within a short period of time. Negative emotions seemed to return more quickly than the positive. In fact much more quickly, I spent a long time full of self-pity and basically in a deep depression. For two years I didn't care what I was doing or where I was going. But at some point I started to care again. When I finally went out at that time I wasn't really enjoying myself, but the change in enviroment felt better than the never ending cycle indoors.

 

It's taken a persistant conscious effort and lots of practice. Talking to myself saying "I don't want to keep doing the same old things that make me unhappy" Of course there have been so many ups and downs. Sometimes feeling like I just want to go back to sleep. after being asleep for 16 hours already.  Many times having to remind myself that it might be more comfortable and easier to stay in the same routine. But it's not what I really want.

 

Now years up to this point re-arranging my thought processes, looking for the things I like and want. Instead of things I don't like or fear. Has caused the most noticeable development in my overall mood.

 

That's more on the mental side of things... The physical changes have been much slower. The PSSD i've been experiencing showed very few signs of improvement up till about a year ago. It's been such a gradual process of growth I've barely noticed. Only seeing the progress looking back over several years. Feeling completely dead and useless years ago as compared to just partially broken and repairable now. For a long time I had just stopped thinking about my sexuality. Convinced there was no development. Now I know there's always change and I make a conscious decision to work on my body.

 

I know with more time, mental and physical practice, I will grow and be a happier person. I'm glad I didn't give up years ago!

I Am Not A Medical Professional! 👨‍⚕️

 

Prescribed Various SSRI's/SNRI, Benzos and One Anti-Psychotic at 16, in 2009.

Fluoxetine 10mg - 1 Month. Switch to Venlafaxine 75-150mg for 3-5 months. Switch to Sertraline 50-100mg for 6-9 months. Risperidone added. (Suicide attempt, Akathisia) Cold turkey. Eventual taper of Sertraline.

Clonazepam 0.5mg 1X daily for 1 month, as I switched from Venlafaxine to Sertraline. About 3 months of Sertraline with no improvement, Risperidone was added @ 0.25mg-0.5mg for one week. Then raised to 0.75 and 1mg after another week. With 100mg Sertraline daily. Then raised to 1.5Mg after a check-up.

Sudden stop of Risperidone. After suicide attempt.

A self-taper, because I didn't trust doctors. Removing Sertraline XR beads from 100mg capsules, over 5-9 months. Which I would consider too hasty, in retrospect. I am recovered from all medication side effects!

My success story: 

I have taken many prescriptions/drugs, with/without a script. Most any prescription/illicit/grey market drug type. Searching for relief from/as, anxiety/Sleep-aids. All drugs are long ago. By God's will, I will stop smoking.

He's saved me more than once.

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