Givemepeace: So confused, feel like giving up.

January 19, 2015

I WAS feeling like this and about to give up and go to the doc but stuck it out (although I don't have to work ATM) so maybe a bit different. But I'm very glad at this moment that I stuck it out.

. You'll get through to the other side. It doesn't last forever.

January 19, 2015

GMP!

I know. The pendulum of windows and waves is startling in its diversity and intensity.

It looks like around November, you really threw some curve-balls at your system. It is trying to get things right - to stabilize. Like you, I thought I would never heal while still on the mirt. But the healing from the benzo damage happened the whole time underneath the mirt. I think the greatest sign that being on the mirt at its current level is probably ok for you is that you had a window while on it. If the mirt was going to prevent you from healing, do you really think you'd have had that really excellent window in there? The same thing happened for me.

You're going to know when the time is right to drop-dose (carefully) on that mirt. And it doesn't sound like it is now.

Remember that fact, GMP. You witnessed it yourself. You windowed wonderfully while on your current dose. This all takes time. When we are polydrugged as most of us are, we have to take competing systems and recoveries into perspective. You, like me, are healing from benzo damage and AD damage. The body and brain will do it - but they are not happy campers at the moment.

Hang in there.

Dave

January 20, 2015

I'm not sure anymore

I think this is my natural anxiety, I think I need medicating.

I am trying to remember what I was like before all this, I remember my anxiety like this I couldn't even drive across town and that was before all meds!!

Then I started the meds, not a lot improved even while on them. Had this most days since, first I obsessed about it was my heart, now I obsessed about the meds. I've always obsessed about things.

I've even lost my logical part of my brain, and feel like there is no way out of this.

It's scaring me because there is usually a little bit inside me telling me this is gonna be ok but I can't even find that in myself.

This is scary man, real scary. I can't seem to distract.

And why do I sleep like a baby!! No one else does!!! It can't be just withdrawal, it can't!!

January 20, 2015

Posted in error.

January 20, 2015

You're sleeping because you are still on the mirtazapine - it will still be getting you to sleep. I found my sleep has become more problematic since coming off. There are still many who can sleep in withdrawal, even once off the drug. Everybody is different.

How many times I heard many say they think this is 'them' in withdrawal, that they must have major mental health problems and that they must need the drugs...this is withdrawal talking. Yes - you had anxiety prior MEDS and will need help with that but everything else I have read in your posts indicates that the drugs are you biggest problem and most definitely withdrawal.

Anxiety is not nice, I know...but at what point have these drugs ever helped you? They don't - fact....they do more harm than good...long term, disabling. You are in the right road, you have seen windows and you will see many more. just keep going. Maybe look into a good self help book. Btdt recommended the power of now book. I have difficulty reading and have to kee going over and over stuff I have already read but I can honestly say it has helped with some areas such as obsessive thinking and those terrible intrusive druggy messed up thoughts.

Stay strong - I know you will get there. Just one day at a time.

January 20, 2015

Sorry for my spelling and grammar errors - I hate that I struggle in this area too.

January 20, 2015

GMP!

Thinking of you, man. I can say it no better than Muddles did above.

Hang in there.

Dave

January 20, 2015

at the moment I don't feel like I am in contact with the world, can't remember how I have got through the day. People are talking to me and all I am thinking about is this mess.

What is this feeling!!

January 21, 2015

GMP, that feeling of not being in contact with the outside world is called derealization, its another common withdrawal symptom, and it will pass. I've had in on and off. When it gets bad it can be quite frightening, but when you know what it is, its easier to stop yourself from worrying about it.

I know what you mean about not being able to remember earlier parts of the day, I'm the same, it might be the evening and I have a vague recollection of how awful I felt 8 hours ago, but its like a shadow from someone else's nightmare. But I'm learning to let it go. Do we really need to be able to remember everything in detail? As long as we have enough cognitive capacity to do what we need to do in each moment, that's all that really matters. Its not going to be like this for ever.

I also wanted to mention something about the fact that you're still sleeping, this doesn't in any way suggest that you're not experiencing withdrawal symptoms. The mirtazapine that you are still on is most likely helping you to sleep. As Muddles said, many people are in withdrawal, but can sleep ok, even off the drugs, I'm one of them.

January 21, 2015

Ok the suicide thoughts are really getting to me.

Even the word freaks me out, it's really hard to explain like I'm not thinking of doing it, it just scares the life out of me thinking about it.

It has been here most days since last August, but it is very intense and I can not get it out my head.

It scares me that I could do something, but it is the last thing I want to do if that makes sense.

Really scaring me, this has been one of my worse symtoms.

Please help me.

January 21, 2015

GMP!

I know reassurances are hard to take right now. In one ear, out the other. The truth of withdrawal is most easy to deny and hard to digest. I want to remind you that for your benzo alone, let alone the antidepressant withdrawal, the typical course of withdrawal is 6 to 12 months minimum - just for the f'ing benzo. You are still in a period that most would consider accute withdrawal.

If you are scared that you would do something to hurt yourself, that is your best assurance that you will not. I had a psychiatrist tell me that. You want to be safe. The thoughts apall you. We all have whack thoughts, even while healthy. But in a non-withdrawal mind, the thoughts pass through. In withdrawal, they get stuck - like a needle on a record that hits a scratch and repeats, repeats, repeats. And every time it repeats, repeats, repeats, it seems scarier and scarier - and seems to intimate that it is more likely we will act upon the thoughts.

Look, I am no doctor. I'm just a knucklehead middle-aged man who literally lived this horror-show that you and others are going through. I had thoughts of both self-harm and outward harm that would make most people crawl under a table and weep. And for my life, I have always been a gentle person - who generally abhors violence (ooh, except the Jason Bourne movies). But the thoughts were totally against my character. I had a will to live and a will to be peaceful. I think that is your case too. The thoughts tend to be the exact opposite of our dispositions. Again, it is why it horrifies us.

You are in a wave. And a bad one. I don't think there is much more I can say to convince you of that. I will once again draw your memory back to the window you had. You had it, you owned it, you felt good in it, and one will come again. But you are going to have to hang on and put in the pain-session of the wave to get to it. You will do this. We don't get to make the rules in withdrawal. We have to be flexible and patient.

Hang in there, man.

Dave

January 21, 2015

Mirtazapine thought - that's what I do when the thoughts become too much. It works sometimes...it's normal (if you can that normal) in withdrawal for many. It's not you.

January 23, 2015

GMP!

How are you holding up? Has the intensity settled at all for you?

Thinking about you and hoping you're settling to a degree, hanging in there.

Dave

January 23, 2015

A week from hell ten,

I've had it all this week, anxiety, anger, panic attacks, inner tremor, depression, intrusive thoughts, apathy.

Since yesterday, I have had this numb feeling to like taste, feelings hard to explain, like you are dead inside. It's a scary feeling. Feels different to depressed.

Did you experience this?

I've wanted to post on here, but just fed up its all negative. And everyone here has got there own problems without me bleating on about mine.

Thanks ten for checking up on me. Really tough week, just feel very alone and scared.

January 23, 2015

GMP,

I'm just proud of you for hanging on through the barrage. It makes me so sad to hear how intensely you are hurting. I know from experience that it will pass, but I also know that while you are enduring it, it seem endless and colossally impossible.

I did have the "dead inside" feeling. Like I was just a husk or a shell of a human. I did experience that.

Sometimes posting on the forum seems impossible. I get that. Thank you for checking in though. I am in your corner cheering you on. This week was horrible. Bag it, tag it, and file it away. You have the weekend now. Try to do things that will soothe you. Next week may be a window. We'll hope for it.

Hang in there, brother. Most of us on here have either suffered immensely or are suffering immensely. It does get better, but the lead up to that healing takes fortitude. So many on this sight display it. This includes you.

Dave

January 23, 2015

I remember that feeling, like being dead inside. I felt like I was gone forever and just had to dispose of the flesh.

Awful, awful feelings but I am still here, it did pass and yours will too, hang in there you are doing great even if

it doesn't feel like it right now.

January 23, 2015

Thanks ten & mammap,

Had about an hour relief this evening but now it is back.

At least I am sleeping, just the days are a living hell at the moment.

Just got to keep going, I think if I get to my next window it will be a big mental step for me ( kind of confirm that I may be healing). The last one I had was my first but I have kind of forgot if it was a window( if that makes sense). I think the next one would kind of confirm things will change and maybe give me that mental boost this is not forever.

Suffered too long now daily, I need a little reprieve......please!!????

Totally done mentally this week.

January 23, 2015

Hello there Peace

I am only withdrawing from mirtazapine by itself at the moment and it is effing up my world!.. let me tell ya. But you!...you have some amazing fuggin will power man, being on and withdrawing from so many things at once. Not to mention going through the wringer with that know nothing doctor. This is some hardcore BS that nobody should have to face, I am going for a roller coaster ride with my emotions, just from this one stupid drug! Either way, we will get through this man. let us vanquish the evil nazi mirtazapine empire from the galaxy, together!

PS: you may want to consider meditation, that's what im doing and it is the only thing that can really make me relax. Don't worry if your mind is racing while you are meditating, there is no such thing as a bad meditation. I used to think it was hocus pocus and only bald men living in caves did it, but after researching it and trying it, it seems legit.

This is the meditation video i have been following for 2 weeks now.

i just do 20 minutes at a time

January 24, 2015

Thanks US,

I'll check it out. You've gone pretty quick with your taper. Please be carefull.

Ok the last few days (horrid) I have kept getting feelings, memories, symtoms like before I started escitolopram a few months ago.

I have like this apathy, numb depressed feeling, also sleeping lots and still feel terrible. Like I've lost my fight and hope and don't want to do anything. Got this strange feeling in throat (tickling sensation/dry). Numb tongue and breathlessness. Just feel really heavy. Also body pains in back and arms.

I think the mirt are the culprits of this, I was never depressed like this till I introduced this.

Does anyone really think I'll stabilise while taking this?

January 27, 2015

Still having an absolute torrid time of things here.

My symtoms are awful in the morning, kicks in about 6am with awful morning cortisol. Around 10am most days my body starts to shake for a few hours, can't concentrate or shut off. Then in afternoon I go depressed.

I don't know how much longer I can sustain this.

Feel like I'm getting worse.

Please help me

January 27, 2015

Hello Givemepiece, i am sorry you are not feeling so well. I hope it goes away for you shortly. I am two months to withdrawal and it is also not ideal. All day long intrusive thoughs and what might be even worse i am afraid i might get a psychosis. In the last two days it was so many times i had for example a feeling in the distance there is a human being and it was only a long coat or something else. It is so stupid but in a way scary. Na ja. But thats how it is and i hope it is for both of us one day over and we can laugh about it.

January 28, 2015

GMP,

Glad we had a chance to catch up today (yesterday by the time you read this). Despite the rough cycles, I think it is tremendous that you are now beginning to identify the patterns of your individual withdrawal process - you are noting that some times of day are better than others and that certain symptoms wax and wane. The beauty of this is that in this awareness, you will see progress as healing begins to affect these patterns. I commend you for hanging in there even as the intensity of the process continues to shock and horrify you. Withdrawal is, in my opinion, an incredibly defining moment in life that almost promises to shift your outlook on everything that is still to come in your lifetime, long after withdrawal has ceased to be your tormentor. Keep up the great work, man.

Dave

January 28, 2015

Thank you ten,

Your support is very welcome.

Just so hard sometimes to accept this is withdrawel. Always thinking it's something else especially when people around you do not understand and still want you medicated.

If I get through this I think I will survive anything.

Just so intense at moment and still stuck on the mirt.

January 28, 2015

GMP,

My most oft repeated quote to those around me during acute withdrawal:

"Are we sure we know what the hell this is?"

It is hard to accept. Because it's so off-the-charts whack. It's withdrawal.

And without question - after surviving this, other life stressors are put into a whole new perspective. You'll live with different purpose.

Hang in there man.

Dave

January 28, 2015

Hi GMP , you're doing great overall from the sound of it.

Everything I've read on your thread indicates you ARE experiencing protracted withdrawal syndrome.

The condition fluctuates , as you're finding out. If you were "only" depressed you wouldn't have the panic , sense of dread , temperature fluctuations , restlessness

(do you think it fits with akathisia?) and other stuff. Some of the symptoms of w/d are also found in depression - sadness , guilt , thoughts of self-harm , so it can be confusing.

You write :" ... how the hell am I gonna get off that (the mirt.) feeling like this?" The answer is: You're not. You're going to wait till you don't feel like this anymore , till you feel more stable and calm , more back yo normal , before you even begin to think about decreasing the mirtazapine.

Also , just in regard to the valium you were taking . . . it may well be that you had a paradoxical reaction to it and it brought on rage etc. Glad to hear it's off the menu.

Best wishes , Fresh

January 28, 2015

Hi ten & fresh,

Today the intensity has lessened.

Your reassuring words today have helped me a lot.

I really appreciate you dropping by my thread and helping me become more educated to all this. You people are amazing.

I hope one day when I am through this,I will be able to help some poor soul who has fell in the same trap as us all.

Thank you guys.

January 28, 2015

GMP!

Tremendous news, brother! Savor that lessened intensity.

Please keep us in the loop.

Dave

January 31, 2015

How are doing GMP ? I see you've been on mirt.15mg for 10 weeks now , and it's been tough. That's a tiny dose - the usual is 30mg. I'm wondering if

it's worth increasing to 30mg? Not trying to push the drugs , but 15 hasn't stopped your withdrawal , and 30 might. Anyone?

Best , Fresh

January 31, 2015

Still struggling fresh,

I have had some calmer moments here and there but nothing brilliant. This week has still been very intense. I am sleeping, it's just the day times are very painful.

Not sure about bumping up mirt, I think I am still recovering from stopping valium and 3 months of escitalopram.

G

February 2, 2015

Hi G

How have you been doing? I have been reading your thread as like you I am trying to stabilise( on citalopram) after trying to come off it too quickly(doctors orders!) in November last year. I have had all the same symptoms as you and have asked myself the same questions many times! I sleep well too and think it must be the dose of cit aiding this. This is tough isn't it?

It's great that you have experienced a window - I really hope that you have some better days soon.

Just thought I'd pop by to wish you well.

February 2, 2015

Hi flowers,

I am still really struggling, today was very bad. Extreme anxiety all day. My thoughts have only been fleeting in daily now for over a week. Before this I was panicking about them daily and pretty much all day but now they are there most days but come and go.

Saturday was a less intense day but apart from that it is very tough.

Mornings seem to be getting worse again, and waking earlier.

Just this intense anxiety, agitation is my big one at the moment. Still on 15mg mirt.

G

February 3, 2015

Hi G

So sorry you are having a tough time with anxiety. I am agitated all day too. I am trying to find something that will distract me if only for a few minutes. Do you have anything that can help in this way?

Today is the first time I have been out of the house for over a week due to a chest infection.

I went for a long walk and then to the shops. I couldn't concentrate in the shops and felt like I wasn't really there! Bizarre! Now I am back home and feel tired but still agitated. I have started doing some relaxation stretching exercises. I have never done this before but think it might take the tension out of my body and mind a little bit. Do you think something like this may work for you?

Sorry I can't offer more help as I am new here.

Keep hanging on in there - I am rooting for you!

Flowers

February 4, 2015

I think things are getting worse looking at my journal.

Mornings are getting as bad as last year, keep getting smashed with either intense waves of anxiety or depression, can't eat but forcing myself. Body shakes have got very intense.

Struggling to hold my job now, just want to lie around all the time.

Don't know what to do, don't have anybody to turn to.

February 4, 2015

Mirtazapine is more activating the higher you go - I don't think it would help if I'm honest.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I'm hoping for better days for you soon. Can't you have some sick leave?

February 4, 2015

I'm self employed muddles, so very tricky.

I've got this bone chilling fatigue today like I can't fight anymore, Monday I could not mentally calm down, could not even do simple things without intense fear. Tuesday wasn't as panicky as Monday but just numb and shaking and depressed. Then today this.

I think I have severe depression coming. I think I need to do something.

What are people's thoughts

February 4, 2015

What do you think the options are GMP ?

Givemepeace: So confused, feel like giving up.

Recommended Posts

LoveandLight

Link to comment

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

ten0275

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

LoveandLight

Link to comment

Muddles

Link to comment

Muddles

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Petunia

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Muddles

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

mammaP

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

UselessSpork

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Martina23

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Fresh

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

ten0275

Link to comment

Fresh

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Flowers

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Flowers

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Muddles

Link to comment

Givemepeace

Link to comment

Fresh

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

Create an account

Sign in

Browse