success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[ang]

Got a very nasty email from my sister, the one who believes in all this medication, says it has saved her life.  That I am basically a total mental, and to go and get an injection of something, trust the docs.  It is so damn heartbreaking having no one in my own family who wants to know me now. She sent her email to my brothers and sisters, so they all know about me.  Like kicking you when you are down.  Feel so damn bad.  But it isnt the medication of course, I have an illness, except I never had it before AD medication, weird that.

Looked up Celexa, apparently it was the forerunner to effexor, but it ran out of patent, so they reinvented it as effexor.  Dont want to touch effexor, ever, ever, so dont want celexa ever, ever.

 

Still trying to get a zoloft script, and reintroduce a small amount.  All I can think of doing, and have to do it soon, or my sister will have the "men in white coats" at the door.  And I am losing the resolve to bother to live.

[btdt]

I have been there with family ended with telling them less and less... gradually over time things eased.  I am hear too I read but I don't know what to say to help as I have not tapered anything ever successfully and I did not re instate successfully either but I do read and watch. Just so you know. Sometimes I just read as that is all I am good to do... 

 

I wish you peace. and I have prayed for you... hope it works 

[ang]

Still thinking the computer is tracking me,,, ah buggar,  Got over that one a long time ago

 

Anyhow, worked out how to do a 1mg from a 50mg Zoloft, thanks to other internet friends (as my brain is poorly at the moment).  Thankyou to this site, yes, dumped the tablet in 200mg of water (only decent jug I have)....and damn I am a chemical analyst in a previous life, and a phlebotomist.  (ie take blood and other samples)... thank goodness I still got some of these friends.

 

Yes, it dissolved into a clump of powder (thankyou AD website).

 

I stirred it rapidly and took one teaspoon.  Will write later...

[ang]

Now can I keep the solution in the fridge?  Damn it... I got lots of scripts now for the stuff, should have asked for 100mg tablets...

My son picked up 25mg tablets of a new script also, as I am varying between 50mg to 25mg... But somehow, not allowed cheap Serowuol (ie public health subsidized list)  as I have to be a manic depressive, to get the cheap tablets.  (Seroquol)... I went from 25mg to 400mg, cause a gp said I could take heaps more... didnt know the different amounts were for two toatally different things... Like no, I never got the schizophrenic label, now I have... why prescribe that amount of seroquol?  omg

 

 

No wonder the docs give us such labels?  When they know we are not what they write?  Why do they give us write these labels?   ?  To get the govt subsidised tablets.  I can get 100mg, 200mg seroquol cheap, but not the 25mg....  as 25 mg is for sedative, not all the other awful things, like bipolar, schizo, god, the world is weird.  So us addicts have to divide up 100mg tablets, as it is cheaper?  Help me here?  Am I crazy, yes!

[btdt]

 

You know what is odd some of my days maybe even most are a lot like yours and I have been drug free for 7 years... I don't know what that means if anything... I am glad the worst of it has passed now... I hope.  It just dawned on me reading your idea of taking something else to treat... no joy... I think is how you put it.  Is no joy an illness.... 

Gee I just don't know.  I wonder have I settled for this when there is more have I been here... so long I don't see anything else or expect anything different?  You pose an interesting question... I for one will be interested in the answers I don't have one as I think of this state as healed compared to where I was. I get that there are likely more things going on than you said like the massage ect. I know less than nothing about seroquol or tapering really so I am keeping my mouth shut as I know I have no clue.  

I do wish you well with your recovery and I also wonder if you have any other symptoms?  Do you know what the seroquol adds to the mix? 

So are you happy you are drug free?  Are there benefits to your life now?   I actually tried to clean muck off my floor today, so that is an improvement.  Wehen you say after being off now for 7 "most days are like mine"..you gotta be kidding me?  Then why not go back on a damn drug, ??? It must be better in your world than mine?  Or why would I be  trying?

 

You said "the worst of it is over"... well what is the worst of it?  If you feel no joy for anything "most days?" Give me some hope here, why do you feel "the worst of it is over"?  I need to know whether I should battle on, or start taking stuff again.  Any insights are very, very appreciated.   

 

I am 55 years old, the drugs have cost me 10 years of my life, my self esteem, my mind.  I want to enjoy my grandkids sometime in the future, I want to find another companion sometime in the future, I want to go for walks again, and knit and crochet and create, sometime in the future?  Is it possible?

 

I am going to try to sort this a bit. 

I went off effexor cold turkey 7 years ago. I had some severe issues while taking extreme personality changes that lead to extreme life changes.  I did not realize the drug was causing me any issues thought I had just changed and was living a rough and wild sort of life that I now wanted.  I started getting sick a lot for a time was on celexa and effexor after I quit the celexa 40mg cold turkey I was sick even more.  I did not know what was wrong with me.  I could not keep up could not work or pay my bills or keep my life going.  I started to have neurological symptoms of head drops and my one foot dragging.  I was confused I could not find my way around places I knew.  I could not figure out how to read a map. Everything became difficult. The neurologist's first thought was that I had MS and did testing... i did not have it.  He then wanted me off Effexor and on cymbalta I tried I could not do it... he then switched me to a parkinson drug... mirapex I think it was called. I could not do that either... so he tried me on lyrica could not do that either... another doc thought my issue was lack of effexor so I went back on 37.5 mg I had been taking 150 before I quit.  That did not work either... I tried to go back on full dose that did not work either. 

 

Finally I quit taking all drugs on the same day... by then I was on effexor 150mg - lipitor don't know the dose... pariet 10m... a ppi for stomach... clanozapam don't know how much was not on it long... I quit them all the same day and held on for the hell ride. 

 

The ride was bad... the first 6 wks was tolerable at 6 wks I went to bed and stayed there with what felt like the flu... I was up and down the next 3 months too.  

I had the usual list of wd effects mania ocd paranoia psychotic psych symptoms as well as a host of new physical ones... brain zaps dizzy vomiting the runs... could not stand sound light food smells. Much more than this ...symptoms cycled and changed all the time. My mind was reeling from confusion... I had to struggle to do small things.  

After 8 months like this I found a withdrawal website before that I thought I was just ill and dying and they had not yet found the cause of my suffering.  

 

My life kinda went away.  I am not sure when I said my life is like your if it actually is... I am sure there are a lot of benefits of being drug free but I do not do much.

 

I have read more of you thread since I made that post and where you are seems to be a tiny bit like where I was when I went on Effexor... I had quit resperidol an antipsychotic cold turkey and a fairly large amount of lorazapam... I could not get up I could not eat... enter Effexor I felt the effects right away and recall watching the clock to see if I could take another effexor as it worked I got up... it would wear off before the next dose so I was watching the clock for the minute 24 hours was up...

at that point I did not know I was not to stop taking the other two drugs cold turkey I had been to a hosp work shop where they drugged me up as an outpatient and I had no follow up so when the pills ran out.. I stopped them... I did not know Effexor was treating cold turkey from a previous drug...

 

before the hosp work shop out treatment where they gave me those drugs I had been on paxil.. I had a reaction was in the closet hiding one day when I thought I have to get some help.. the help was the program at the hosp where other drugs were given..  

 

the paxil was replacing zoloft ... the zoloft was replacing amitriptyline which I had been given at a pain center for pain and sleep... the amitriptyline was replacing  prozac which I had a severe reaction to and withdrawal from 2 years before the pain center and amitriptyline... 

 

I had a car accident from there had pain in my leg was given codeine then prozac... it all goes down hill from there... 18 years I was drugged 

 

Yes I am happy to be drug free I am not happy to have lost so much time to drugs or all of my money and home. 

 

I think just now your like I was a bit maybe when I went off the antipsychotic that is the closest thing I have to go on... tho your on it... but down dosing... I have no experience with this particular drug your on but I do know what it is like to be messed up and unable to do anything.  I just don't know what to say... as I don't know this drug... I do know suffering tho.. when I say the worst of it I mean brain zaps not eating for months ect... I can go for a walk now I can think I am just not very active... I am thinking we are not the same in all things but I would still like to hep you if I could ...

I just don't know what to do but I could talk to you ... if you like 

 

I am going to try reading your thread again and see if I can get my head around it.. I think the drug your on now is and AP and I don't know enough about them... I don't know if others here know how to taper  this drug or not... 

I see you have found some expertise elsewhere as to how to do this and if you like support then I will give it a shot whatever use I may be to you...

I wish you peace

[btdt]

Still thinking the computer is tracking me,,, ah buggar,  Got over that one a long time ago

 

Anyhow, worked out how to do a 1mg from a 50mg Zoloft, thanks to other internet friends (as my brain is poorly at the moment).  Thankyou to this site, yes, dumped the tablet in 200mg of water (only decent jug I have)....and damn I am a chemical analyst in a previous life, and a phlebotomist.  (ie take blood and other samples)... thank goodness I still got some of these friends.

 

Yes, it dissolved into a clump of powder (thankyou AD website).

 

I stirred it rapidly and took one teaspoon.  Will write later...

So now this is what your taking

12/14 25mg Seroquol, 50mg tegretol

1/15 50mg Seroquol,  2 x glasses wine- and zoloft?

No tegretol? 

[btdt]

I am having some trouble with Dothiepin as it is not sold in Canada or the US 

I am not familiar with it but know the type of drug.  

There are so many different medications it is complex.  I just do not have experience to advise on these types of drugs.  

I will listen to any symptoms ...could make suggestions about self care... of a non drug nature. 

I wish you peace 

[ang]

the dothiepin was the first thing I was put on, an overzealous idiot doc who thought 375mg was ok  (Should not be given more than 200).  That was 20 years ago.  Had a fit, and two weeks in hospital  On the basis of this I got the mania label.

 

At present my brain is exhausted, trying to think of a solution, I have given in and am trying 3mg of Zoloft, but been off that months.  Today is worse.

 

I had to reinstate the seroquol, as I couldnt sleep.

 

I have a friend  telling me to just take the 50mg tablet, but this lady I now find has given up AD over the first few months of 2014.  I wish her luck, as my WD didnt start for 5-6months after stopping.  Hope she is OK.

 

I can not even make a coffee.

[btdt]

Your taking the 50 mg tab of seroquol right... and now 3mg of zoloft just started today...

 

is this correct?

 

Is it just today you cannot make coffee? 

 

Are there any other drugs you have taken today?

[btdt]

I believe the suggested amount of ri was 1-2 mg I know it is difficult to measure in those amounts.  

I am more wondering if you recalled the right number if if you forgot... believe me forgetting is a common thing on this board a lot of forgetting takes place here. 

[ang]

Should I try 1/4 zoloft tablet, or just take the 50mg?  Feeling awful.  Or stick with 3mg for 5 days.

[ang]

Yes 50mg seroquol, that has been regular for about a week.    sorry my signature isnt right.    took about 1mg zoloft last night, one mg this morning.  So hard, people saying take the table,, others saying be careful, might make it worse.  And the docs saying it will make you feel worse before it makes you feel better...is that just doctor talk, or drug company bull?

[ang]

I will try and be more clearer.  I know how to make a coffee, I know how to clean the floor, I know how to go for a walk, just feel like I am in absolute chronic fatigue, even difficult to concentrate on the television.  So stressed, because I feel so sorry for my son, he says I look so miserable it is making him feel that way. Up till last week I actually still had determination to get through this, but now I have none.  Fealing defeated.

[btdt]

Yes 50mg seroquol, that has been regular for about a week.    sorry my signature isnt right.    took about 1mg zoloft last night, one mg this morning.  So hard, people saying take the table,, others saying be careful, might make it worse.  And the docs saying it will make you feel worse before it makes you feel better...is that just doctor talk, or drug company bull?

I would listen to the people here... really those who lived it know .. I will see if a mod can come answer that for you...brb

[ang]

I been through lots of horrific withdrawals, once after going weird as a bad reaction to valium.....,  spent 3 weeks involuntary, where they gave me every drug they could think of, nearly killed me three times (luckily they had an antidote). Then when I could hardly stand, they asked me  "what IS WRONG with you?" OMG   I will never forget.   Like I managed that one, I cant do it again.  This however, I have to keep reminding myself, is not as bad as that.  Nothing would ever, be as bad as that.  

Of course going home on no drugs after that three weeks, imagine the withdrawals, claustrophobia, agrophobia, you name it, everything.  But then I managed to convince myself I had never suffered from any of those before.  Of course had to go on Zoloft then.  WD from one gets patched up with another.

The worst thing is those damn emotions, now, remembering everything awful in my life in minute detail.

 

Anyway feeling 5% better, made a coffee... Have to keep reminding myself afternoons are better, a bit.  So running on 5% at the moment.  Guess it is just a disappointment, that others get almost immediate relief by reinstating, well hasnt happened for me.  This morning I just felt more useless and unloveable and ashamed .

[btdt]

I don't see a Mod here just now but one will be along with some advice. 

Did you feel like this recently before the zoloft?  Did you have this amount of complete fatigue?  If so it is likely not the zoloft don't you think.  

[ang]

Just the "dont read the internet" and stuff that someone said to me, is breaking my resolve, I know it will pass.  Can feel my dertermination back, but 5% isnt enough.  I have got to pay bills, on-line.  That is my one and only job I set myself today.  Cant do it yet.   Can make another coffee...... My son goes back to school beginning February.  Then I will not worry about him.  I can pay two more weeks rent at my shop, gives me more time to get well enough to sell everything off, and move everything.  So that is good.

 

I am so lucky, I am on a disability pension, son has a car, gets himself out and about now.  Sun is shining, got a great little government unit near the beach.   But damn just wont get into my brain, I  keep crying.

[btdt]

I been through lots of horrific withdrawals, once after going weird as a bad reaction to valium.....,  spent 3 weeks involuntary, where they gave me every drug they could think of, nearly killed me three times (luckily they had an antidote). Then when I could hardly stand, they asked me  "what IS WRONG with you?" OMG   I will never forget.   Like I managed that one, I cant do it again.  This however, I have to keep reminding myself, is not as bad as that.  Nothing would ever, be as bad as that.  

Of course going home on no drugs after that three weeks, imagine the withdrawals, claustrophobia, agrophobia, you name it, everything.  But then I managed to convince myself I had never suffered from any of those before.  Of course had to go on Zoloft then.  WD from one gets patched up with another.

The worst thing is those damn emotions, now, remembering everything awful in my life in minute detail.

 

Anyway feeling 5% better, made a coffee... Have to keep reminding myself afternoons are better, a bit.  So running on 5% at the moment.  Guess it is just a disappointment, that others get almost immediate relief by reinstating, well hasnt happened for me.  This morning I just felt more useless and unloveable and ashamed .

I did read about this in your thread... I had a bad time with prozac years ago and it gave me enough fear to stay drugged for 18 years I know how it goes... the drugging the never telling us the truth about a drug reaction but we know now.  With the information we have we will figure out some things and learn more as it comes. I have had a lot of what you mention and know where you are coming from.  

 

this -" remembering everything awful in my life in minute detail." and this "This morning I just felt more useless and unloveable and ashamed "

 

Both are withdrawal there is a certain type of negativity that comes and we have the worst negative thoughts about ourselves ... it is withdrawal talked about on here i am sure but I could not give you a link..off the top  of my head. 

It is common enough everybody knows about it. 

[btdt]

It is a tricky situation when our kids get old enough to worry about us.  I am glad you have a place to live sunshine and a he has a car... all these things are good.... 

did you say sun?

Sun is good but I have spent a lot of sunny days inside... if you want to stay in and take care of yourself then honor that your taking care of yourself. 

[ang]

sorry, thank you, so so much for caring, keep typing please.  I dont normally complain, normally I am very tough.  I am fit and healthy, so so lucky after years on this stuff.  My eyesight even improved after I got off it.  Got my normal brain back, as far as handling finances, instead of permanently semi manic (damn effexor).

 

Yes the absolute chronic fatigue, lack of motivation, is my only big problem.  Takes a major effort to shower, only manage it every second day.  How silly this is!    If I could just do something for an hour a day, it would help,  this has gradually set in over the last 6 weeks.   It got worse, could go into shop 5 hours a day, then every second day, now just cant. Could go for a walk 10 days ago, now I cant.   

 

I asked the doctor if there were hormones I could take, like I know I am 55, but damn whenever I was pregnant those happy hormones were wonderful.  But he didn't listen, but I do have a blood test to do for hormones.  Not what I meant.  I have to make it into the blood place for other tests, but just cant do it, not today or yesterday.

 

What could I do to get myself moving?  What is cortisol?  Would that help me in the mornings?  

[btdt]

from wiki

Cortisol is a steroid hormone, more specifically a glucocorticoid, which is produced by thezona fasciculata of the adrenal cortex.^[1] It is released in response to stress and a low level of blood glucose.

Its functions are to increase blood sugar through gluconeogenesis, to suppress the immune system, and to aid the metabolism of fat, protein, and carbohydrate.^[2] It also decreases bone formation.^[3]

Hydrocortisone (INN, USAN, BAN) is a name for cortisol when it is used as a medication. Hydrocortisone is used to treat people who lack adequate naturally generated cortisol. It is on the World Health Organization's List of Essential Medicines needed in a basic health system.^[4]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cortisol

There is an explanation of withdrawal that says it is like a rubix cube... 

Things shift and move all the time trying to heal ... heals on spot has to shirt to find the next healing place that is how the shifting in symptoms is explained. 

I am not sure what would happen if you tried this there was one report on another site of person who was trying very low doses of this to treat effexor withdrawal however there came a time where he just dropped away and did not come back to say how it ended... as that is my only memory on this sort of attempt the jury is out ...has a doc suggested this as a treatment?

 

I know a lot of folks have been treated for thyroid after taking these sorts of drugs but I never have tho I had a lump on my thyroid it was deemed not needing treatment. 

I think the shifting is a big part of the symptoms and hope to heal naturally tho the timeline is not so hot. I am a bit not into supplements and or drugs much as i tend to react badly to both. So I may not be the best person to ask as I am a no drug sort of person now. I always look up everything and generally react I have had pills given by emerg that were never opened.  I am not too trusting one bitten twice shy ...that is me. 

[btdt]

at least one other person is thinking about this

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2144-i-hate-cortisol-mornings/page-2\

 

 

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:buLyYbhT2-sJ:survivingantidepressants.org/index.php%3F/topic/7599-cortisol-problems/+&cd=5&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca

[btdt]

For a time in withdrawal I did not shower too much a shower meant I had to go to bed... and it made me feel so bad my eyes would turn read bloodshot and I had to sleep for a couple hours after each shower... made for bad hair days

[btdt]

I found a thread about the seroquel 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1707-tips-for-tapering-off-seroquel-quetiapine/

[btdt]

Ang here is a person who may be able to answer some of your questions as some of the same drugs were quit.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5761-poisonpills-effexor-xr-and-seroquel-nightmare/

[ang]

Dothep, Dothiepin, was an old tricyclic antidepressant...  my doc believed in the "new psychiatry" of massive doses, like no one can judge what is needed to correct the brain, lucky me.  I survived 375mg dose, when recommended max was 200.  But once you hand your brain over to an idiot, well done for,   so lucky I am still alive....  I feel like the local doctors where I live, were so shocked, but damn, I had lost my brain to this doc...

 

Now I got my brain back.... the dothiepin was 20 years ago.   So then it was the new ubeaut Zoloft.  Silly me.

 

the effexor was the worst, changed me, I lost a house, my husband, everything, always blaming something else.  But that is what psychiatry does to you... always looking for a cause of your  ""ïllness"and when there isnt any, something gets blamed.  Ex wasnt the best, but after separating, I would never have lost all my finances if I had even a 25% brain.  Damn effexor, and a psych then who was an elderly spinster, and a man hater.

 

The zoloft never made me that way  (but caused the death of one baby)....so dicing with the devil....but at 55, no more kids for me anyway  Yes My baby and my friends baby, two of those statistics now on zolofts warnings,  I could swear, but I wont.   I survived the grief, new pregnancy, new life for damn 9 years after that.....no AD drugs.......,

 

but then that damn aropax script from a gp, cause I was tired?   Of course someone stressed, and exhausted doesnt sound right,  damn him, then the worst withdrawals I have ever esxperienced, after going CT ....then another damn psych, cause the doc, didnt have the expertise??? like stuffed it...then,     that damn effexor....  that is why I am so determined to keep my brain alive, and focus on the fact it was the drug, not me.  Hard to lose a home I owned.  But I will not give in.  I do not wish to blunt my brain, so I dont think about it.  I coped with death and dying while not in a AD stupor.   I can cope with financial loss, and getting my brain back.  Grief takes over 12 months to recover from, as does "normal" undiagnosed and treated depression, but during this time humans manage to function,   ....   gosh, this drug horror, is pure horror, we can no longer manage to function.  I was so damn ill during the end of my 8 years on effexor, still blaming the deep depression on everything else, while losing friends, family, finances, reputation.....yeah I dont think it was working anymore, but still addicted to it.  Caused me to drink too much....  so all got blamed on the drinking, not the drugs... doc wanted to put me on methodone for drinking one bottle of wine a night.  Weird thing, I would buy a bottle a night, so I knew exactly how much I drank, despite the fact it was costing me $12 a day.  A cask here?  4 or 5 litres?  Same price.

 

As you can see, I am feeling like 50%  or more, like wow, what a relief... so maybe if the zoloft is working in such minute doses, I certainly dont need to up the dose.

 

I will take 1mg tonight, 1mg tomorrow morning and night,                                     and 1mg thereafter.  Per day.  Will stick with the seroquol, if I can cut that after a month to 25mg, and still sleep, that will be pure bliss.

[ang]

Weird, I cant get out of bed, then at around 10.00 I just have to get up.  Was able to make a coffee this morning, cooked dinner last night.  I plan on being able to cook dinner tonight also.  I actually ate a yoghurt for breakfast and am about to eat something for lunch.  Lets hope this lasts.

 

I still feel awful, but have to focus on what I can do today and yesterday, that I could not do the day before.

[btdt]

Yes that is the right way to look at it as this is a slow process the other thing I will say now is to know it is not only slow going but it can fall back a bit for a while then get better again window and waves that is how the healing takes place to expect it and don't run to change the drug dose when it happens... as that is not a good idea in general.  

 

I see you thinking is dead on or I think it is as I think you got this thing figured out right... and I will give you a link to what happens to our brain when we are on effexor so you can know it was the drug... as that may help you make peace easier with the past... 

 

Intoxication Anosognosia:

The Spellbinding Effect of

Psychiatric Drugs

Peter R. Breggin, MD

Ithaca, NY

Why do so many individuals persist in taking psychoactive substances, including psychiatric

drugs, after adverse mental and behavioral effects have become severe and even

disabling? The author has previously proposed the brain-disabling principle of psychiatric

treatment that all somatic psychiatric treatments impair the function of the brain and

mind. Intoxication anosognosia (medication spellbinding) is an expression of this druginduced

mental disability. Intoxication anosognosia causes the victim to underestimate

the degree of drug-induced mental impairment, to deny the harmful role that the drug

plays in the person’s altered state, and in many cases compel the individual to mistakenly

believe that he or she is functioning better. In the extreme, the individual displays outof-character

compulsively destructive behaviors, including violence toward self and others.

Keywords: adverse drug effects; psychi

http://breggin.com/spellbinding_psychiatric_drugs.pdf

that is the gist of it... when I was trying to recover my thought process would come and go expect that too and try not to worry... 

if I were to recommend something the most profound healing I experienced early on was deep relaxation... I could not stand words or music at that time but the sound of the ocean on headphones and heat on my spine seemed to help me get to a deep relaxation state... i could parctically feel my brain making connections once I felt that... got there or however you want to put it... 

I think deep relaxation was the first bit of healing that I could feel started... my brain geared up after and I needed it on a regular basis... I think it is in that state we heal best. 

I can now tolerate this but if you can't find something you can that works for you

 

I hope you had a good day.  If not then tomorrow  

I wish you peace

[ang]

Thankyou so much .  This site is my saviour, if there is any hope of me recovering from this nightmare. I think we are all the survivors of a 20 year experiment.  Battered and bruised, but a so damn resilient.

 

So grateful that we have communications, that are unedited by anyone, thank god for google, facebook, and communication.  Hopefully people will listen, and I think they are, the docs, many now discredited, but still claimiing that the world is so much more stressul today, so everyone is going crazy, bollocks.  Drugs send us crazy, tis all. as they have from the beginning of time.  I hope to read more, when I am able.  But like my very wise mum said, nothing ever changes.  There will be a new drug, like SSRIs are better than benzos, and so it has gone on for generations before. Now SSRNIs?  they are deadly, good lod effexor.  Legal  Drug dealers extroadinaire.  But I took them, silly me..... I should have known better, I even disregarded my mothers advice, in this new modern world, silly me.

 

************ Especially the reinstate really low,  yesterday morning I was panicking it wasnt working, like I left it too late, like agghhh,    ..And then a friend says  "take the whole f+++ing tablet" , was so confused, but I still had enough of a rational brain to ask for more details from this friend.  I found out this friend only gave up 4 months ago, easily, so she is fine, the drugs arent addictive at all...............so today I warned her to be ready for the WD... and make sure she has some old medication.  She has.  If I can start this progression, i am so damn happy.  Forewarned, is forearmed.  Hugs Cathy xx

 

The old  ""return of previous symptoms" bull.   That fear that stops us breaking free....  I never ever had these symptoms... ever..... never been suicidal ever, but damn when I start thinking I am that low, yes things are bad.

 

So glad I didn't take the whole "f==ing tablet"    or I would never have had any hope of recovery.   The panic and fear are the worst, just throws the mind into complete despair and confusion.  Thankyou for helping.  Even if it just turns out to be a brief window, the thought that it will just continue to get worse, and the fear of that is gone  (for today anyway )  

 

Yes, I managed to pay all my bills on-line today. My challenge for the day.  Only four doses of 1mg, morning and night, so far in reinstating the zoloft.    Never made it out for a walk. But analysing my feelings, and my body, myself,  and stuff, real close. Finally listening and believing my body.  Few minor symptoms, but instead of just dismissing them, I made a mental note.   The hand full of pins and needles, middle of the night, and I hadn't slept on it,  The dull headache.  The frequent waking in panic. 

 

However, much to my horror, this afternoon, I felt that jeckyll and hyde thing.  All of a sudden I felt that horrible way, that I am cleverer and smarter than everyone else.  I suffered that for years on effexor, How to describe it?  Arrogance, nastiness, something that is not the real me before medication.....   So lucky I now remember how I was once, not like that.   And I dont like that feeling, That I am somehow superior.  But geez, nice to know I recognised it, I will control it.  I am considering just taking 1 mg a day from tomorrow.  

 

I have more close friends now, people are kind and considerate, and want to help. It is a nice feeling. The ones who call me crazy, or abuse me, like my sister, I choose to ignore.  I must be getting better.  While on these ADs I was just so arrogant, superior, nasty, no one wanted to know me.  But I didn't need em, thought I was doing so well, finally, all the time losing everything in my world.  

 

 

It all seems a balancing act.   I like the REAL ME.......  even if the real me, can not get out of bed, all a balancing act.

 

Thankyou for the references.   I will follow them up.

[btdt]

That Effexor buzz will come and go for awhile I just notice it and ignore it at the same time once I got use to it.  Early on it is a bit weird... I did not find any info about any of this till I was 8 months into cold turkey so I had no clue what was going on. 

 

I would not mess with the dose of zoloft for a good long while... 

you know how they say it takes what 8 wks for these drugs to take effect but we all know we feel the side effects long before that and they say you have to wait as you can't judge the drug that quickly....

 

Well I now think the reason they say that is they know the drug will mess up our system and it takes that long for it to settle down... our brains hate it when we switch things around and take less more ect... they will present a bill... 

just now so much has gone down your paying an old bill ... please don't make another bill to pay.... 

let it sit let your body adapt to this small dose of zoloft 

 

TRUTH is I have never done this taper thing but I have suffered long and hard for NOT knowing to reinstate properly and I want you to have the very best chance of having this RI work for you ... i don't want you to be like me..

 

I don't think it has been long enough yet to tell much of anything about that small dose of Zoloft but I know this by messing with the dose you will jeopardize your best chance of having the easiest possible time of this...

Don't do it.... take the normal dose and wait... that is the key to success if your are going to get the easier ride this is how your going to get it... being impatient and switching around your dose is how to shoot yourself in the foot... don't shoot your foot....

 

Here is a bit about my experience with fatigue I could not get up ... this after the first six months in bed this is after the 8th month as I found a wd site at 8 months.... sometime after 8 mths I could not get it the fatigue was profound.  I went to a natural source health store and got a liquid formula of vit Bs and took it and it helped for a bit then came anxiety severe anxiety and losing my ability to think... that reaction took 6wks to go away.  It was a good lesson on how to NOT mess with my system tho I was fed up with waiting to not be so tired.. I wish I had waited.

 

I have reacted to foods and vitamins ect.. a lot of things since and I have learned the hard way to wait things out as they are part of the body trying to heal.  That is my take on this.  

I wish you peace.  

[ang]

Thankyou so much, against advice, I tried to cut the seroquol, it didnt work, but I just took the other 25mg  (making the 50mg), and eventually fell asleep around 2.00am.

 

I will stick to the 3mg, split into two doses  ( of zoloft )  ....... (probably a bit less than this, but doesnt matter, I will continue to dilute it the same way).. I chuck the solution on day three, and make another.

 

I found a reference from someone somewhere on this site.  The zoloft does not dissolve completely, but I just stir the mixture rapidly, and scoop of a teaspoonful.  Working so far, thank goodness.

 

Other references, made me stop my leap into vitamins and stuff.  Only took one St Johns wort I think (thank goodness)....As from 3 days ago I take 3000mg fish oil.   

 

I actually went outside and watered a few plants today!!!  Yay!!!  Last three nights actually cooked a meal  (they are improving, but still pretty awful).....  A roast with no roast potato?    And half raw carrots, the pumpkin was OK.   Gosh I actually feel hungry.  Yay!!  Perhaps I will be well enough to be able to go shopping tomorrow.

 

I will read your intro thread, thankyou so much.

[btdt]

I am glad things are improving but keep in mind there are windows and waves still .. this is the good old withdrawal how it presents so there may be more crap ahead ...just ride it out.  In general things will stabilize in time the windows of feeling better will become longer and the waves shorter the withdrawal symptoms less intense.  Symptoms can change and bounce around too so don't be surprised if that happens.  I think you have been here before so you know you can get thru it you just don't want to and why would anyone want to... nobody does.  I went thru it long ago with a bad reaction too...but then I had no clue what the he!! was going on.  Thankfully we are a bit more advanced this time around... in time for you... at least I still did not know the last time it fell on me... but we are learning.  One day this will not be happening to people any longer... we hope. 

 

There is not much on my page I don't think as far as early withdrawal I quit ct in 2007 I think this site started in 2011 a few years later... but what an awful lot of wasted years.. I can't believe it myself when I think of it. Such a long time... with any luck you will be shorter... and less painful 

That is my hope for all that come after us they don't have to do it like we did... it will be easier we will learn better ways. 

peace 

[ang]

I stupidly, perhaps, emailed my sister, just to let her know I am feeling a bit better, on only a tiny dose of a previous medication.   I await the wrath, and the "" you are crazy"" reply.  And the ""don''t be ridiculous, you need the whole tablet.""   .... the  "go and get an injection or sumthin""

 

I guess her previous email was so hurtul, as she didnt even write it, her new husband did, and he doesnt even know me.  The "no one ever asked you to join mensa", ""you werent dux of the high school"",   "" valium doesn't make you like that,""   stuff that if he had known me my whole life, he would know is true. But the weird thing, if I hadn't been on AD I would never have been ""open and honest" about all these things, as they are quite irrelevant really. No one believes someone who has been on these medications, with all our labels.  Damn especially psychiatrists... we must be psychotic?

 

I actually remember, while under the influence of a valium, and a mountain of other things,  a psych asked me  "so you still think you are brighter than Einstein".. I was totally shocked... I replied   "" I just read a book by Stephen Hawking, called a "Brief History of Time"....  All I said was  "Time is not a constant".....  She said to me... "so do you still believe that"", or something...

 

I could not lie,  she was cross, how do I extricate myself gracefully from this conversation, that I could never give the "required"answer for?  I said I spoke to the wrong person, should have emailed Stephen Hawking.   Well got away with that one.  JUST.  She walked off with a huff.....How can a psychiatrist evaluate us, our lives, our particular interests, our understanding of physics, if that is not their field, anything.  How can they judge what we say, if they dont even know us?  If they have no idea, what we are talking about, in our "restless legs, or brain"...  

IT took me damn 10 years before I very very privately said to my big son, ....  "I have a theory, time is not a constant"... I still remember, he broke out laughing, and said ""öh god Mum, they have known that for years......

 

These drugs have destroyed my confidence, my reputation.  Until I was 35, I had a life.

 

I dont know why I had to email her, my sister..  Sometimes  the ones who are the most negative, are the ones who may actually listen.  She has been on and off these meds for 25 plus years, and has so much fear now, she will never give them up. So many, many suicide attempts.......  What a fantastic drug for a drug dealer....  All covered by health funds, and medicare.

 

I went to her doc,20 years ago.....the beginning of this nightmare.....then together we went around like new cult members, in our totally separate lives............ telling people far and wide, how great these drugs are.  I now know that is just a side effect of these things, the superiority, the arrogance, the loss of being rational, the ""be open and honest" about ""your illness"..(the telling a gp "time is not a constant"...damn it., leading to that damn locked ward).........  I had always been a private person, how they changed me.  

 

Then the "looking for reasons" for my "depression", the reasons why going off them, or even sudden illness,  horrific out of the blue weird symptoms... after 12 months off them, yes, I must be crazy..... then more and more labels. There was nothing wrong with my childhood, but of course the parent blaming ensued.  Then the job blaming, suddenly believing my job was horrifically stressful, when I loved my job before that.  Then the husband blaming...Even one moment of blaming a little baby, and horrific thoughts blaming that tiny baby, some poor women, they know not what they do....  luckily my real brain kicked in......  I was horrified, balming a tiny innocent baby  (so glad I knew that was a one off, drug induced thought, even in my scrambled brain)..............

 

I will never, ever know how my life would have progressed, the last 10 years, horrific, I will never ever know.....   I am only just getting my brain back after those 10 years.  I am so glad the job blaming never became aggressive, I am a woman, not a man.  Maybe men become aggressive, I know I became arrogant.  I blamed everything while on AD for my problems..........  I will never know how I would have gone in my life without these horrible drugs.  I never, ever been suicidal, so how did that first Doc, DR Booth, manage to convince me I had Major Depression, when clinically I have never had that?  How he then changed the  label "manic depressive" when 375mg  (double recoomended highest dose), of a tricyclic ad, sent me manic, and having seizures?    Not the medication??????????????    OMG?  Yep, after all these years, finally that is listed as a serious side effect, as is serotonin illness, I know I had that, dont know how I survived, But I have beaten physical death on these things, so many times, I am grateful.

 

If I still had had a brain, when first put on this evil stuff, I would not have gone on recruiting everyone into drug hell.......  that is probably these AD best selling point, the people on them themselves, saying how wonderful they are.    When eventually the slow slide becomes a heap of broken humanity, no one believes that it was the drugs, yep just the progression of the non-existent illness. Or  "found out about the illness too late" OMG?

 

If I survive this...............   the final WD,  ........ I just hope to god, I save someone, somewhere from the horror my life has been.       WD about 5 times, a poor baby who died due to the effects of Zoloft, the loss of a marriage, loss of reputation, loss of self esteem.......  

 

ANYHOW NICE TO SEE SOME SELF ESTEEM RETURNING   But the withdrawals are worse than hell.

[btdt]

I can read your words and I get it as my words in the early withdrawal were agonizing too... there is a type of grief for the losses we know that a lot of others who have not lived don't understand and it is a process and sadly the withdrawal itself can make the process worse as our brains are not yet able to stand too much of this and will take the low road.  I know a certain amount of this will take place and I also bet a certain amount of it needs to take place yet it can be a slippery slow in my own experience.  I came to a point where this kind of thinking was a luxury I could not afford a lot of.  I will tell you why.  

The negativity in withdrawal is dark and we have a difficult time with the losses for sure that would be normal but we can get stuck there too and it can be a trap.   The normal negative nature of withdrawal makes this a natural thing...but to heal we need to also protect our brains from as much of it as possible as we are feeding back into our brains what we live each day. 

For instance I had to stop watching the news... I just shut it out no papers no tv new no radio.  I watched comedies on tv or read books about spiritual enlightenment and how to use different types of healing energy.  

The things we did while drugged will come back sometimes like a flashback and as our brains were drugged thru a lot of it I think it is our brains way of processing the information on a conscious levels as the first living of an event was not done on a conscious level but in a sort of drugged blur an alter existence if you will.  This is my personal take on and not something this site is responsible for.  Just in case they don't like it this is my truth in this matter. 

There are a few of us who have been injured badly and the healing takes time but now that it is started it will progress.  It takes a long time and there will be different issues that come along that you will need to deal with there is a section called self care I think that is the name you will find it in the forum section top left.  There you will find all sorts of non drug ways to deal with things as they come up.  Try what interests you it is good to make a tool box of things you like and keep them so you don't have to search for them when you need them. 

I am sorry this happened to you I am sorry it happens to anyone it should not be yet now that healing has started the steps will be forward even if it doesn't feel like it is progress it is progress back to health.  

Please be kind to yourself you body and your mind we have all been through enough making healing as tolerable as possible is the least we can do for ourselves now. 

 

I understand you wanting to connect to your sister and make sort of peace sisters are important after all... very important.  I lost a sister this past March it is difficult to go on without her yet I do.  I don't know how you will take it if she doesn't like the fact your coming off medications I hope you have your resolve that you can still love each other and not agree on every life choice.  You never know you may be the path maker here and maybe some day she will follow in your foot steps and be glad of your experience.  

 

I wish you peace 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Ang, I came here and just skimmed this page of your thread and I have a couple of questions: you took a St John's wort? Not a good idea at all. You risk serotonin syndrome if you mix it with an AD.

 

Your sig has an error, I think. The latest entry says '9/15', should that be '1/15'? The former is usually taken to mean 'September' and September 2015 has not arrived yet.

 

Did you stop the Tegretol cold turkey?

 

Have you put every single pill you are putting into your mouth (even OTC ones) into the drug interactions checker? That might give an indication for the fatigue symptoms.

[ang]

Thankyou cymbatawithdrawal.  How long were you on the cimbalta?  I think I fixed my signature.  Cimbalta is An SSRI and an SNRI, like effexor.  I am sure it is the effexor that was the worst.  If the SNRI gave me more energy for 8 years, and changed my whole personaliyt,  I suppose I have to accept the consequences of stopping them all to be NO energy.  But also like a pure panic attack if I set myself tasks I need to do.    And my shop, and my clivia plants, like that was a manic side of my 8 years on effexor, like they aint all that important to be now, but they were everything in my twisted personality during those years, obsessive.  So I guess somewhere, I just dont want to face that, and all my plants that I tried to keep a business going for 8 years, was pure craziness, in hindsight.  So I guess, it is very hard to sort out, with the panic, and low motivation and lack of energy.

 

Anyway, thankyou for the questions.  I only took one St Johns Wort, then read on this site not to... That was a few weeks ago.  I took vitamin B a couple of days, then decided not to.  Same with the fish oil,  But reinstated that as per my signature.

 

Feeling so awful today...

 

The tegretol I can down when I cut all the other stuff.    I had to reinstate the seroquol, to stop the night horrors, and to be able to sleep.  Then I was trying tegretol, but the drug interactions of those two are not great.  So I cut the tegretol, dont think it was doing much anyway.

 

doc said to keep taking the tegretol, but then doc said to take effexor and all the others, where has that got me now?  Needing a rehab unit, but they dont exist for post AD users. As it was initially prescribed for something I didnt have....  then later doctors wanted to up the dose to show up as a therapeutic dose in blood tests......  I thought it crazy I was taking it.

 

I dont want to take anything, so advice welcome, I am in absolute survivial mode at present.   I know, I gotta stop feeling so damn guilty, cause I cant do anything.