success ☼ ang: help and confidence needed

[ang]

Signing in,              did a cut to 18mg yesterday.    I have got to slaughter this beast.

[AliG]

Hang in there, Ang. You are a fighter and will make it through this.     Slow and steady now. Keep it stable. I know you can do this. 

Hugs,

Ali

[ang]

Well took 4 days too feel, really awful, all I did yesterday was get up, sit in a chair.   I had a book within reach, so I started reading.    Tried to distract the ruminations, guilts, all that horrible stuff.   The ""I have destroyed my life, lost my home, my marriage, my beautiful garden, no one loves me,  I deserve all this,  wish I would just die, I will never get well,  perhaps permanent care is ready for me""  all that usual stuff   :)

 

So I am on 18 mg,  I have 6mg tablets.   First stirrings of what I think is Akithisia,  like laying in bed, but wanting to run, but cant do it,  really weird.    Awful feeling, dont want that to get worse.  Besides being an absolute useless blob, who cant even shower,  uggghhh!  I dont want to go completely insane.

 

And weird, no matter how bad it is, can always get worse, if I  mess up the taper now.......................so even though I feel rotten,   I am reasonably comfortable, thank god.

 

If I didnt believe I could make it through, god knows where I would be at the moment.  Love those brief  few hour windows,  where I feel,  oh gosh I can actually visualize myself happy again, gardening, cleaning, worrying about actually looking nice, brushing hair and teeth  ?

 

Anyway,  time to split the dose,   so I took 6 mg  this morning   (I have those already compounded), and will take 12mg at night.     Previously 18 mg all taken at night.                  

 

So:   seems to have worked,   I have done the dishes, even cleaning the hotplates!  Next challenge is to put a sheet on my bed   (I wash them about every 3 weeks!  ugggh, but putting them back on?  lets hope I manage that today)

 

Things grateful for:            

 

still staying afloat bills wise, still got a roof over my head.

 

no horrific, horrific, dreams like when I began this healing journey.  

 

Sleep is still OK.  Depending on taper, can be one night no sleep, some nights tossing all night, but then back eventually to like only one or two awakenings to turn.

 

my shoulder pain, ear pain,  was front of head headache, now the complete back of my head:  all relieved by turning over, pain always most at night......   still cant lift my right arm .....              so weird the stuff Withdrawals Cause!  They cause every damn thing!

 

no horror, horror dreams for a while now,     I even had one or two OK dreams in the last 4 months......     this whole healing thing is like being reborn, like going thru all the nightmares as a child, wonder if that is all caused by the brain establishing itself, now as an adult, has to do it all over again.                           Just wish I didnt have the memories of the good times, before the drug nightmare, would be easier.

 

Less of the ""shattered brain"" upon waking,  ie visions of anything, and a sudden feeling of overwhelming fear and panic,    damn I have a vision of something stupid, like a pair of shoes,  and it causes me instant panic

 

Less horrible cortisol awakenings,  still use a black tshirt wrapped over my eyes, to sleep...........  

 

Less stomach upsets, and stuff like that,  less nausea,  less of the flu type symptoms,  some snuffly nose, and sneezing..........  

 

Less wine,    weeks without, then tried some,   doesnt seem to make any difference, now, all it does is it upsets my stomach!  Gotta get out of the ""trained brain"" that wine is a treat, and I feel good drinking it...........   I actually dont feel good drinking it now, but weird, like the coffee, something I used to enjoy, but really dont now.        Often drinking too much fizzy drinks, replacing the damn sugar from the wine, I suppose.   Gotta aim for a good diet, one day!  

 

Oh,   I tried the cannabis oils again  apparently a 60:40  THC:CBD mix.     No good, give that a miss, again.                     The CBD stuff seemed to help before, but too expenisve, and as it only  seems to help a bit, not worth the cost.

[scallywag]

That sensation of "must move" is a weird one. Sometimes when I had that sensation of wanting to run, I would lie on my back and kick on the bed to get "the energy out."

[brassmonkey]

Such a good update Ang.  I'm so glad things have settled and you're able to take care of the basics. It makes life much more comfortable.

[ang]

Hi Skallywag    no, not like I really want to run,  like inside I want to run, but I cant move.     Wish I did have the urge to really run!  I need exercise!   So maybe akithisia is the wrong term.      I have had the running thing, years ago, give me 1/4 valium and I will run a marathon!    But dont want the other side effects!  

 

ANd thanks for dropping in Brassmonkey, much appreciated.

[ang]

Well time to sign in,   actually went shopping yesterday, grocery shopping, first time in 4 weeks I think, and I actually felt  ""normal""    I am sure, people tapering on this site, totally understand what I mean.   I havent felt,  in this body, while grocery shopping, for months. A memory, dont worry, jammed into my mind, remember how it felt!

 

 

I am going to cut to 2 x6mg     from 3 x 6mg a day, of my last poison.

 

I know this is too big a cut,  but there is so many variables, ie going from doses per day, to doses at night, and, and,                  also I am an old hand at this, I know that my mind is merely a puppet on a string, the strings completely controlled by drugs.                   I know I will be suicidal, I know I wont be able to shower, or dress, or do anything.......... for a week or two.

 

AND, backup plan,  if too difficult and I know it will be ........ from the 2 x 6 mg,  I can jump to 15mg at night   (yeah, I got those already compounded).

 

Advice welcome,  should I scrape up $80 for 100 pills at 5mg?  Three times a day?  Well all I know is the morning 6mg, makes me too sleepy, almost like my friggin brain is telling me , cut.................. yeah, the other half my brain will suffer!

 

I want off, this stuff, so badly,  but dont we all!  The game plan is to get off it as quickly as possible, without suiciding, murdering anyone, and without going back to a psych ward.            Damn my gp, reckons I can do it,  but he never taken these pills.

[ang]

How do I judge my wellness?

 

Did I go out of the house, was it more than 3 weeks ago?

 

Did I manage to shower, how many days ago?

 

Can I still remember, when I had dreams ambitions, can I remember joyful times?  If I cant, can I remember, the days I did have these feelings, were they more than 3 weeks ago?

Did you cook today, or eat cold baked beans?

 

How long since you washed your bed sheets, can you remember how long since you washed your bed sheets?

 

Can you make a coffee for yourself in the morning?

 

Can you pay bills on internet,  are you up to date?

 

Sometimes I feel really crap, but I think, I did the dishes yesterday, so I am actually OK.                The brain is saying not OK, so we need indicators,  not relying on emotions,  these indicators are as simple as:      did I think about what supplements, or what food I need to eat this week?            If we think of those things,  it is a bonus, doing them, acting on them a bigger bonus.

 

So I say, ignore the brain, that thing pulled this way and that during withdrawals,  the despair sadness, guilts, ruminations, suicidal homicidal thoughts,  ignore them,  to judge how well you are,  judge by a simple list, of what did I do yesterday,  or what did I do or achieve, last 3 weeks..................                if you had a shower in the last three weeks, that is your baseline,  if you dont shower in three weeks,          adjust the taper!

[ang]

For some, this may be,  I went to work all week, and only cried unexpectedly twice.      Or I had panic attacks, but managed, I had 3 panic attacks for the week.      Or I vomited every morning, but still made it to work, and ate lunch OK.

 

Or I am home, I cant move,  but I actually got out of bed, managed to go to the toilet unaided, and went back to bed.     

 

I dont have an apetite, dont eat, have I felt hungry, and eaten properly a meal, in the last week, or two?

 

 

That is YOUR baseline,  

 

That is why it is SO important for a diary, if you cant remember.                      I dont use a diary, as I am well enough to remember how I felt last 3 weeks.  ( many times I didnt remember, and yes, I should have used a diary).

 

This timeline is now my diary, my lifeline, thankyou so much Alto.                  

[ang]

I dont know if it helps,  I panic about not sleeping  (yeah that is a drug induced, thing, dont sleep).... that is my fear.   Others go 3 days without sleeping, it isnt a panic for them.

 

Others fear not eating,  I have gone three days without eating,  not a problem,.                to others that is panic mode!

 

We are driven by fears.                           So if not sleeping is your problem  ................... your baseline, how many days without sleeping,  for me that is two.  I mean NO sleep, no relaxation as I lie in bed.

 

As for eating,   I dont fear this, I could go 3 days without eating,  so far, no problem, I eat again..................

 

So I guess what I am saying is,  no appetite, not sleeping, DONT PANIC,   trust your body, ........................         set your limits, whatever they may be for you!  Not the fact your sister is hungry every day, and you are not,   or your husband sleeps, and you do not.

 

SET your own limits, think about them.  So dont panic, because your body, is not sleeping, not eating,   dont judge yourself on others. ever.

 

Yeah,  just because my sister said I looked thin, and antidepressants would help me eat?   Yep double my weight, and unhealthy, feeling like crap, and sister is happy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, weird, why?

[ang]

6th day of a 30% cut,      seem to be doing fine.     Nearly managed to go out walking yesterday, but it got cancelled,  and nearly went fishing today.            I really think I will be able to do this things easily in a month or two,  roll on Spring!

It is like most of the afternoon, I feel  ""normal""        ................

 

my only horrific symptom, is lack of doing anything,  I just cant do anything.            Obviously, that normal, everyday activities, thing, will be the last thing to recover.        It is like panic, at the thought of pushing myself to do anything............ I dont want panic, I want brain to heal without bad stimulation,  so I just tread water, for time being.

 

I actually cooked meals 3 days in a row!   

 

Easier to push ruminations, and horrific random shattered brain thoughts away,  I notice it is sunny,  things like that.

[ang]

Oh  I had a short journo piece posted on the Crazz files,    so that felt great.

[nz11]

Ang

That 30% cut is a biggie.

Do you think that may be a tad too much?

 

nz11

[manymoretodays]

((((ang)))),  Hi.  I can feel fall coming in so many ways now ang.  In the morning air.  Up in the higher elevations.  A bit of shortening on the daylight hours.   And you are headed into Spring!!

 

That's great you got posted somewhere.

 

Life is good here.  So very glad I partook of my towns days(daze).  I can't believe how much the celebration has changed.....but in a good way........I swear there was Grateful Dead music coming from the park yesterday after the parade.  And then there were fireworks last night.  And lot's of running into people here and there and having some nice connections with them and catching up.  And all my wonderful neighbors!!!  Plus food.  And new friends!  History.  And a hike.........waterfalls.......nature........beauty. 

[AliG]

I agree with NZ . Why 30 % ?  It's not what we recommend. How about 10 % , Ang ? 

[ang]

Hi NZ, and Manymore todays and AliG, thankyou so, so much for dropping by on my thread.

 

First, manymore,  well done,  sounds like you are doing well, that is FANTASTIC to hear.     Gosh I can now at least imagine, how it could feel to do all those things, and feel connected to people again, and sights sounds, and enjoyable simple things.  Love the post, thankyou.              

 

NZ 11, and Ali G.       I know was a big cut,   I was taking 18mg, in one hit at night,    then changed to 1 x6mg  am,     2 x 6mg  pm.........................                then to   3 spilt throughout the day.      Half life is 6 hours.           

Then I got too sleepy after am dose.        Time to cut,  but how?

 

Did I go to 15mg  (pills I already have), one hit at night,   or cut out morning pill.                                    Was an even toss of the coin, but instinct told me to cut morning pill............ It has worked,  about 8 days now, and generally feeling a bit better day by day,  yesterday was the only dive,  but I got out of routine, that day,... so that was my fault.

 

Also taking the pills, like in those 3 x day routine,  I actually felt better like 6 hours after the tablet.     One morning I accidentally took a 15mg,  in error,  god I felt ratshit for a day.       (that day total was 21mg).   

 

I needed the tablets when I reinstated them to sleep...........    So at the moment I am still sleeping OK.

 

I think it is exactly as Alto says,                      stablilise,  for me stabilizing wasnt feeling good, it was being able to survive.    If I had shown improvement, sticking on the same dose, I would have done that, but I was not improving.   And I think we do have an inner instinct,  takes time to find it, and trust it.   Have to be reasonably stable to do that.

 

So I feel I am not making the decisions in a panic, as I did when I first got to this site.     I really think most of my symptoms are all withdrawal related to the Effexor,  that is a horror!  and the zolft, and all the other crap I gave up too quickly mid 2014.  And paid the price for my error.  It feels as if my mind, and body, now has mostly recovered nearly after nearly 2 years  (with a few desperate reinstatement failures, of course  ).    I just feel the seroquel is doing more harm than good, always a toss up.............                   Do we need the benefits vs the side effects.              I did a lot of reading, and think now, the side effects outweight the benefits,  but of course, I DO not recommend anyone else follow my big cuts,     as all these multitude of different pills, potions, genetics, personal situations,  are way too complicated, and I truly think if I had done the 10% cut thing,  2 years ago, I wouldnt be the mess I am now.   

 

Anyhow I hope all that makes sense,  and going on previous cuts,  after day 4, is when the dive hits,   this time it hasnt,  I feel a little better each day.    So from today I am just going to take the 6mg at night, and see how I go.....  

[ang]

Good signs of healing:

 

realised I have found my sense of humour,  I hadnt realised that has been missing for 8 years!   I laugh now,  10% of the time I have a smile on my face.             The grimace, is loosening up, YAY!

 

Weird, my sister,  on these pills, before I was, always had that grimace, I had no idea, why,  now I do.    

 

Oh, and most days I actually cook something to eat,  and instead of it feeling weird to eat,   sounds strange,   but now it is beginning to feel normal..............  I plan on going grocery shopping with son today, that is a biggie!  But more than that, this time, and last time I went grocery shopping, I actually planned, like I actually could focus, on what ingredients I wanted for meals I planned to make.          And now, I can actually remember, what is in the fridge, what is needed, when I need to go shopping.          Normal things, I see coming back slowly.  Last time I went grocery shopping, I felt normal,  weird feeling,  been so long!    Instead of feeling distant,  foggy, not in the real world,  I felt delightfully like I could focus, on what I needed to buy, etc, instead of basically being a semi terrified blob.

[ang]

Second day of my cut to 6mg,     I slept OK, last night,  could have been better...............       

 

But my face!  It feels like someone has thrown acid on it, it is burning.    Also a dull headache, and of course the old fake flu is back, and the diahorrea,  lets hope the physical symptoms pass quickly.

 

I I wasnt feeling so physically poor, I think I would be up and about doing things.         My brain still seems OK,   just physical symptoms so far.

 

And weird, I feel more tired, during the day,  lets hope it settles.           But still feeling so much better than 12 months ago.

[ang]

And my daughter and new baby, and family are visiting in 5 weeks,  I truly think I will finally be able to fully enjoy the visit,  hope so, would be so nice to be active, ie go for walks with them,  play with all the grandkids.  I feel postive,  I know might all still come crashing in a tsunami,  but lets hope not  

 

I actually applied for three jobs yesterday..................   lets hope my healing continues, and I am able to work, and join society again.  Been a long two years............

[ang]

I am enjoying music playing again!             I could not stand noise,  not even gentle music,  it is so relaxing!

And I feel hot,   have felt so damn cold for so long....................                              even my usually frozen feet, despite woolly sheep skin boots, are finally warm again.................

[ang]

Well I had about three good days, then back to the horror.          Oh well.     Seems my small honeymoon from doing the cut is over.           This life just gets so damn tiresome, every day another struggle.

[ang]

I feel so weird getting off these pills, that made me brain dead,   I know I need to adjust,  but my brain is back, way way too vivid, and smart...........................                    it is horrible,  but if anyone is interested in my rants send me a PM and I'll give you my contact information 

I know it will settle (I hope) and the post pills explosion of passion, dedication, and knowledge, will again fade, and I will just take a cursory interest in the vaccine and pharma debate.

Edited August 30, 2016 by brassmonkey
Removed personal information by request

[ang]

30th today, I am feeling a slight easing of the torture,  hope things are improving.

[scallywag]

Slight easing is good. Enjoy!

[manymoretodays]

Hi de how de do ang.  I have been keeping up pretty much with your posts.  And yes, yay!  Enjoy.  And may it last.........

[AliG]

Hang in there , Ang . You're going to make it .

[ang]

Feeling so awful,   I keep trying to remember the two good days I had a couple of weeks ago.     The sense of humour has long gone again.         How long does this torture last?  I feel like my inner spark, that inner desire to keep going, is gone.

[Shep]

ang, I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly now. I'm looking at your signature and all of the drugs you've been subjected to and are now off of. Being down to just this one last drug and getting down to just 6 mg of Seroquel is quite an accomplishment.

 

Don't forget to think about how far you've come. It's normal to get discouraged during this journey, especially during a wave. But hang in there. 

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

[ang]

Am trying the cannabis oils again,    guess it is around 60:40   THC:CBD      15 drops a day, taken in 3 doses.

 

It has perked me up enough to make a coffee, so that is a good sign.  My son desperately wants me to cut his hair,  such a simple job,  hope I can do it.

[ang]

Thanks so, so much Shep,  that is the only thing keeping me going...................  I have about 4 weeks of the 6mg.           The thing is I feel the worst,  when the tablets are at their lowest,  ie before I take it at night. 

 

I know it has only been two weeks from a big drop.      I felt better for a few days, about day 4 and 5,  then downwards....     

 

Other symptoms,  ear infection,   so I am trying salt, and hemp oil, in my ear.     My ears always seem to have problems......   first to show .....                       the tummy troubles    have passed thank goodness.    I have a dull headache, and feel feverish a bit,  but again that could just be all normal (whatever that means)  withdrawals. 

 

I know damn,  the stuff I ended up on, trying to survive getting off the horror effexor!            and the crash........     down to 6mg,  I cant afford to end up in hospital now, coming this far !

 

Just so hard on my son,  he sees me impoving a bit, then I cant even do the dishes..............     he just tells me I need to get out of the house, do something, but I just cant, unless I am in one of those few  lovely windows, then things seem effortless, like going grocery shopping!

 

People just dont understand that it isnt laziness or real depression,  it is brain damage, attempting to repair itself.                 My mind and body are just so worn out, from hoping I will feel better tomorrow  (and I know when feeling awful, I think everyday of my life has always been awful, which is not true).

 

Also difficult, fathers day, son just went to visit his dad, who is happy gardening, in the sun.   I feel such guilt, at the marriage breakup, those damn effexor pills,  I know we cant go back, but I hate pharma so much for what they did to us.

[ang]

Oh anyone got any ideas on McMaf..................                      apparently so many people have retroviruses..............    contaminants in vaccines.   And of course, when our immune system is low,  all hell breaks loose.            This stuff, allows the vitamin D, and other things to actually work.   We used to create this in our bodies, but we dont anymore, vaccine damage.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Chuck83]

Hi ang, I can speak a lot about vaccine damage. But last September, for start doing the internship in the hospital (I'm MD student), they made me the Mantoux test, It is not exactly a vaccine, but since then my health has changed slightly, since then it seems perhaps a coincidence, but I do not have allergy to pollen which I had before, and the immune system seems less reactive.

[ang]

Got the mafactive today,    will let everyone know if that makes me feel better............  

[ang]

Still feeling awful,  the inability to do anything,   it is just panic, to do anything.             I am seriously considering just stopping the last 6mg.                And take it as it comes.    Usually I get a couple of good days,   after a drop.     I would be happy just to have two decent days?

[Shep]

Hi, Ang.

 

I stopped Seroqel at 6.25 mg, but I should have gone down at least to 3.125 because the GI problems got a LOT worse after my jump. 

 

You may want to taper a bit more before completely jumping off the drug. And you mentioned getting a couple of good days after a drop, so maybe that will be enough to make a difference in how you feel.

 

You've done a great job of getting off a lot of drugs and you're very close to being medication free. Hang in there a bit longer.

 

Sending healing vibes your way. 

 

 

[ang]

Oh, thankyou so much Shep,  so it was mostly GI problems?    Yes I had that after every drop,  but it cleared up after about 2 weeks.         I can handle the GI problems,   it is my ruminations, and morning horrors I hate.  

 

Took a while to fall asleep without the drug, but eventually I did.

 

Oh, I so need just a couple of good days,  my son wants his hair cut,  and I cant do it,  such a simple thing............I am good at cutting hair........................anyway, I am actually cooking a meal tonight, so that is amazing?