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☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there

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ten0275

Community of healing, hello. my name is dave. in february of 2012, things started going terribly wrong. i have always been a person with some anxiety and depression. in fact my parents began medicating me for this when i was in the first grade, when the nuns at the parochial school i attended informed them i wasn't "living up to expectations." at this time (early 80s), the medications were as heavy as they are today - in fact, many of the drugs that were put into my childhood body are currently considered barbaric in standard medical practice. nice. anyway, in my teen years and early 20s, i tried many different medications. prozac, paxil, zoloft, blah blah blah. i wanted to put out the fire - i wanted to mellow out and not feel the anxiety. i wanted to not feel the sadness.

 

i was taught that those things were not ok to feel - that these human emotions were to be avoided at all costs. the line-up that my doctors settled upon were remeron and ativan. the remeron was 7.5mg daily, the ativan .5mg as needed. for over a decade, i kept the remeron between 3.75 and 7.5 - the ativan, between .25 and .5. i've always been a "little dab will do you" individual. when i still consumed alcoholic beverages, i was a totally cheap date. 1 drink felt good, 2 drinks was a nap on the couch. my system has always been highly sensitive, as so many of ours are. in late 2011, the ativan wasn't working anymore. the doctors threw in some xanax and bumped the ativan dose. it helped a little. in early 2012, i noticed some profound dizziness - like i was walking on a swaying ship. i had actually been noticing this for a year or more, doctors could find no pathology to explain it. but it was getting worse. i suspected it was the remeron. my doctor said, "well, stop taking it." so, i ditched the 7.5mg of remeron cold turkey YAHOOOOO! and my system went nuts. i could not eat, i could not sleep. i began losing weight - lots. in hindsight, i realize i was in full benzodiazepine tolerance withdrawal and remeron withdrawal. my doctors said it was "just the anxiety getting worse." they were just about ready to throw some klonopin into the mix when i bailed.

 

i started a rapid taper that essentially amounted to a cold turkey from the ativan and began to suffer intensely. between the months of april 2012 and june 2012, i went from being a solidly built 162lb marathon runner to a 129lb human who could not lift his head off the pillow, barely acknowledged his wife and children, was confused as to who the president was and what month it was, and finally, began having intense violent intrusive thoughts - both suicidal and outwardly motivated. i checked myself into a hospital. i was so scared. i figured that was the thing i needed to do. get fixed. as soon as i got in, they tried to get me to reinstate the benzodiazepines. i refused. in my lucid moments, i had read too much online to do it. they put me on seroquil, which produced serious side effects. they switched me to risperidone and left me with that. i wanted out of the hospital. they became fairly insistent that if i were to do so, i would need to be on another medication. i mentioned reinstating the remeron. they liked that idea. they put me back on 7.5mg. a day later, they bumped me up to 15mg, a day later, they bumped me up to 30mg. my whole body was vibrating. i was having nocturnal emissions nightly in the hospital bed. the intrusive thoughts and all the other withdrawal symptoms skipped along merrily, unaffected by the drugs, but the hospital thought i was "good to go." so off i went. oh, and they handed me a script for valium on the way out "just in case." in the hospital, i mentioned both benzo and antidepressant withdrawal. even offering to show them the ins and outs of the ashton manual, which in the benzo world, is fairly revered. the doctors took a position that what i had to say was of little consequence. they were the doctors after all, they should know best. and any words on my part were greeted as a questioning of their authority.

 

the next 8 to 12 months were essentially hell. i kicked the risperidone to the curb almost immediately. if anything, that anti-psychotic was making things worse. the 30mg of remeron was so damn activating, i wanted to jump out of my skin and climb up trees daily. but i felt stuck on it. when i began experiencing intermittent periods of gradually extending "windows" and "waves," i began to taper the remeron slowly. things were very bad for a very long time. very bad. did i mention that things were VERY VERY BAD? i managed to keep my job. it wasn't easy. when i was at my very worst, i would work from my bed at home. getting up to puke, sitting in a stupor, trying to answer e-mails and phone calls as if my brain were not a bashed-up mess. trying to put together sentences. when i was able to return to work, the intrusive thoughts were so bad, i either stayed glued to my desk, or else went back behind my office building and fought off the daily urge to throw myself into the waters. i wanted to die so bad. those waters were almost calling me into them. i fought back. and i am glad, beyond, that i fought.

 

by the 8 to 9 month mark, things started improving somewhat quickly, the tapering of the remeron was becoming somewhat easier, the benzo symptoms were easing. the windows got longer and longer until the waves became basically a couple hours during a day or two per month.

i need to cut this short. i could literally write a book about this whole experience, but i don't want to waste your time and i myself have to boogie. let me just say this. i am still tapering - i am now at 2mg of liquid remeron. i have a pharmacy compound for me. i make 10% cuts, hold for 4 to 6 weeks in between, and go in for another round. when i cut, i feel it the day after i make it - an intensification of the symptoms. things settle for a short while. around the 2 week mark after a cut, it kicks me harder. usually restless legs, nausea, intestinal disturbance, mild insomnia, intensification of anxiety and the desire to cry for no reason at all. the intrusive thoughts are totally gone. i don't experience these anymore. and i am thankful. they were my worst symptom. they plagued me and plagued me and plagued me and they are gone.

 

i try to eat as clean as possible. higher protein, lower carbs, almost no refined sugars. i short-circuit the cortisol response by waking at 0345hrs each morning. i am at the gym very early, i put in a workout, i go to work. i could not exercise at all for the first year after withdrawal. it would activate my central nervous system to much. but now i lift weights and lift heavy and i do only enough cardio to keep that system as optimal as i feel it needs to be. i supplement with whey protein, vitamin d, b vitamin/folic acid, magnesium, and some occasional omegas in the form of either fish oil or hemp protein. i do not drink alcohol. i do not use pot. i consider these substances a colossal waste of time. i do not use any other chemicals that will interfere with my brain chemistry.

 

i'm not sure how much of a hassle these last 2mg will be. i think i will probably be all done with the remeron by the end of 2015, if things keep ticking along. that is my goal at least. after benzo withdrawal, and the remeron withdrawal that followed, i know i can weather whatever storm. i'll own the pain. i'm not a tough guy at all. but withdrawal has showed me two things: that i can live through hell on earth and that the anxiety and depression that underlies my personal psychology is "normal," and manageable without the use of chemical substances.
thanks for taking the time to read this. and no matter where you are on your own journey, hang in there. when i was 129lbs and barely able to move, barely cognizant of who i was, i doubted that i would ever heal. i am almost there, community. you will be too. hang in there...

Edited by scallywag
tags / prev. by mP: paragraph breaks for readability.

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mammaP

Hi Dave, welcome to SA. Thank you for sharing your story with us, you have come a long way and it sounds

like you have really suffered along the way! 

Well done for getting where you are, you will be free of the remeron one day and have you brain back healthy

and alert once again. I can imagine that you can't remember what it feels like to be without drugs or the effects

of withdrawal after being started on meds so very young.

 

I would take that last 2ml very very slowly to ensure that you don't end up with withdrawal. In our experience the

last little bit can be very hard. You would think that it would be ok to jump off that last mg but it isn't, it is unbelievable

how bad the withdrawal can be from such a small amount!  Make tiny cuts of 10% of the current dose with at least 4

weeks between the cuts. Don't make another cut until you have stabilised from the last one, even if that is several

weeks or even months, that way you will be less likely to go into withdrawal when you take the last drop. 

 

Could you list the drugs you have had and the doses, plus when you started/stopped. If you put them into your

signature strip it will be there for everyone to see at the bottom of your posts, and understand what you have gone through 

and overcome, without having to read back through your thread.

This thread tells you how to do that. http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/893-please-put-your-withdrawal-history-in-your-signature/ 

 

It's good to have you with us.  :)

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Altostrata

Welcome, Dave.

 

It sounds like maybe your body needs a hold on tapering for now, to settle down from the drug changes.

 

Then, you may wish to reduce by 5%, to avoid those withdrawal symptoms you're still getting. You might want to try this for a month or so. If it goes well, you might be able to make a 5% reduction every 3 weeks or even every 2 weeks.

 

I think you have a very important message for those who are tapering! Thank you for joining us.

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ten0275

mammaP, hello.

thank you for the kind and warm welcome. you are right. i have no recollection of what it feels like to be without the drugs, or the effects of withdrawal. sometimes new emotions come to me and i realize that i am actually beginning to feel things. it is startling and wonderful all at once.
per your suggestion, i've listed my recent drug history. prior to 1996, i was given many drugs including parnate, paxil, prozac, zoloft, and others that i cannot now recall. i wouldn't be able to list the dates of those medications, but simply note that i was started on medication sometime in the early 80s. i've done as best i can for the signature, especially with the space constraint.

Altostrata, hi to you as well.

thank you also for the welcome and the wise advice. both you and mammaP have reminded me how delicate i need to be, especially as i find myself at the lower doses. just yesterday, i got a refill of my liquid remeron and requested a 1ml syringe. i will absolutely hold as long as necessary. also, i appreciate very much your suggestion of the 5% every 3 weeks, or possibly 2. i do believe i will approach that method.

i hope to contribute as i can to this site and also, i will keep updating as i continue on my way off the drugs.

thank you both for the welcome and words. very much appreciated.

dave

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btdt

Some of the things you wrote not many people had but I did and I find it still odd that I can be set back to the memory of it...I was too ill for the first 8 months to read .. that early time I have not talked about much but find your truths are giving them voice congratulations on giving them a voice and for working wow I am very impressed.  Welcome.  I wish you peace. 

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brassmonkey

Hi ten-- welcome to the group--  Having my emotions start to come back after many years of being drugged is a really scary experience.  Nice thing is that they come back slowly so they can be explored, rediscovered and learned about so you can understand and manage them.  I see coming out of my drug coma as a second chance at life, a time to review and examine all the things I thought I believed and make changes to things I didn't get right the first time around.  In a way we are the lucky ones in that we get this chance, kinda a cleansing by fire if you may.

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ten0275

btdt and brassmonkey, hello.

i'd like to thank you both for the welcome and for checking out my introduction. thank you for reading the thing, it means a lot. even though many of the heaviest symptoms have either disappeared completely or lessened greatly in intensity, i still feel physiological changes when i write about them. and sometimes i still cry. disbelief remains, even as my own private storm is passing. i can't help but think that when we emerge from something as engulfing and life-altering as withdrawal, the reverberations trigger these responses, ongoing for some duration. perhaps a sort of ptsd.

i've been spending a good deal of time reading introductions on this site. one thing that strikes me is the level of compassion here that is generated for one another. we share the common desire to be free of suffering and see others free from theirs. reading the individual stories on this site is very powerful and it has moved me greatly. the connection to, and validation of, others' pain seems to be a way of honoring the truth of our suffering, both individual and collective. i wish i had more to say to people sometimes, could help more, but the compassion is intensely felt.

oh, and brassmonkey, "kinda a cleansing by fire." i think there is real truth in that. a clarity emerges. beyond teaching us the disastrous effects of pharmaceutical negligence, we see ourselves as the fragile and ecosystem-like humans we are. and in that fragility that is not weakness, there is a constant discovery of the mettle and fortitude to push forward. just showing up to this site daily proves this community's desire to see themselves, and their brothers and sisters in arms, to the other side of the struggles. so many strong people here. so much respect.

thanks again. your responses brightened my day.

hang in there.

dave

ps- general update. dropped from 2.2mg to 2mg remeron 12/6. two weeks out from the cut tomorrow, and the symptoms are setting in. i've surely cut too much, despite it being 10%. i will be more conservative in future cuts. but for now, it is burning sensations, nausea, the waltz of some moderate anxiety and depression, and some head pressure. i feel positive though. and it's friday, hooray - i can hunker down and ride it out.

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Petunia

Hi dave,

after reading your general update above, I was going to suggest something but then saw that Alto had already suggested it:

 

It sounds like maybe your body needs a hold on tapering for now, to settle down from the drug changes.

 

Then, you may wish to reduce by 5%, to avoid those withdrawal symptoms you're still getting. You might want to try this for a month or so. If it goes well, you might be able to make a 5% reduction every 3 weeks or even every 2 weeks.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry for everything you have been through and I'm glad you have found our little community so that we can keep you company as you complete your taper.

 

I hope you feel better soon after you last cut. Many people find that they really need to slow down as the dose gets lower.

 

Petu.

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btdt

" i can't help but think that when we emerge from something as engulfing and life-altering as withdrawal, the reverberations trigger these responses, ongoing for some duration. perhaps a sort of ptsd."

 

There are ongoing issues after the last drop in dose for most people so expect it. Some have gradual return of emotions some have dumping that could be somewhat like is identified in ptsd either way I am sure there will be some people here that can identify and help you through whatever is ahead.  Living in the NOW as best I can is what I intend to do and I could not always do still can't but I strive for it.  

I hope you think about going slower as the dose get lower I have seen some people delay drops and lower drops both near the end.  There is a theory I am not sure it is a proven thing or not at this point I can't recall but it is this...

The drugs change how the body metabolizes the drug so as your dose gets lower the liver works more efficiently and the small amount of drug has a larger affect ... sorry if it is all ass backwards I am not perfect and not trying to get it perfect just give you a general idea why some think the dose needs to go slower near the end.  I am sure if this is of interest to you to have the facts on it some person smarter with a better memory than I can answer you questions.  I am good for the gist of things mostly.  

peace to you

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ten0275

Petu, hey.

 

It's sound advice, for certain. I'm going to hold for awhile this time, New Year, new start. I really don't want to do anything to screw this up. I think about it a lot. Failing, crashing and burning. There is a lot of fear about coming to the end of my taper. I've been on psychotropics since before I can remember. I'll turn 40 in the coming year. The halfway mark of most modern life expectancies. I want the second half to be unclouded by the haze of chemicals, in appreciation of the time I have left. Having true emotions is intense. My brain struggles to comprehend them. It's kind of a full time job. I'm glad for it though. Very. I feel fortunate to have made it this far. I want to see this through. Thank you, and all, for being there. It means a megaton.

Btdt, thank you for your words. I appreciate you thinking about me and my situation.

Hang in there.

Dave

 

P.s. Awoke with decidedly less anxiety this morning, the cortisol dissipated soon after the iPod put some music in my ears and the coffee did its thing. I think it's going to be a better day. May everyone's day be a better one.

 

Ps.s. From the poor-humor department. I think the day after Christmas, I'm going to go for a cold turkey... Sandwich! Leftovers of course.

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btdt

:) hahaha :) 

I wonder why it is called that?

"

In the state of drug withdrawal the addict's blood is directed to the internal organs, leaving the skin white and with goose bumps. It has been suggested that this is what is alluded to by 'cold turkey'"

oh my why do I always have to know... things. 

peace

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ten0275

Wow. I had the worst night in about a year and a half last night. I am a little over three weeks out from my last cut - I cut from 2.2mg Remeron to 2mg. Fell asleep fine, woke up after about 2 hours. This wake up was around 10:30pm. I could not return to sleep. My mind was racing, I was sweating, I felt truly horrid. Nearly vomited. Nonstop urination. I have not experienced this intensity in so long. I think these last 2mgs are going to be some serious business. I am dreading the coming night. I am traveling and don't have my usual safety zone which does not help. Hopefully it won't be a repeat. I am not ready for another night in the pit. Thanks for listening. I will definitely hold for some time. I want to be done so bad. Patience...the hard won ally.

 

Dave

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wantrelief

I am so sorry you had such a horrible night; I can only imagine how hard it has been away from home as well.  Holding sounds like a really good idea.  I hope you get some relief very soon!

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tgirl

Hey Dave,

Sorry to hear about your bad night!hopefully there won't be a repeat!

Happy New Year!

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mammaP

Sorry you had a bad night Dave,  and hope you manage to get some good sleep tonight. It's 

awful when you are sleep deprived, everything seems so much worse.  I would hold for a few 

more weeks before cutting again to allow your brain and nervous system  to catch up and stabilise. 

Hope you feel better soon. 

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lolly

Hi Dave

 

Well done you're nearly there just take it slowly and have longer holds in this last 2 mg

 

I'm at 3.6 mg remeron going to stay here for a good while as there is no hurry and think slowness is going to be tho key for me. I also found higher doses way to activating I would talk a mile minute and feel like climbing trees lol! And also been non functional too I'm just worried I'm never going to get past these last few mg as I've failed in the past and kept having to up dose.

 

Did you find your symptoms morphed and changed at the lower doses? Mine have gone from stomach problems and anxiety to more having trouble functioning and getting my thoughts straight and feeling stressed. Think this may be because my cortisol is getting high but who knows.

 

Anyway cheers for your post it gives me hope I can do it too

 

Lolly

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ten0275

Thank you, so much, for your messages of support. It's 1816 hours and I am doing my best not to advance-freak-out before it's time for me to fall out. I feel slightly revved and that feels uncool. I'm going to try some push-ups in my room here, drink some water, and try to hit a mellow with some Beatles or Scott Walker on the iPod. I'll dose w/ my 2mg of Remeron at about 2000 hours. I may hit up the magnesium glycinate tonight as well. Last night felt like throwing bricks at my soul. Please sleep, come to me, come to us all tonight.

Lolly, absolutely. The symptoms have morphed in a major way. When I started at 30mg, it was like my brain was crackling. I revved like an engine out of control. Anxiety reigned, I had some pretty intense energy, felt oversexualized, too much energy in my body. As I've decreased, this has lessened. Same with the gastro issues. They have dissipated. This is the first taste of some serious revving I have had in some time. It's unnerving. I always fear returning to the nonstop horror. It is like a hot ghost that always hangs with me. I don't ever want to return to the constant intensity. Wantrelief, mammap, tgirl, lolly... Thank you for considering me and hang in there yourselves...

I love this site and am thankful for you all.

 

Dave

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lolly

I can't agree with u more I hated the revved up feelings that would go from energy/adrenaline to anxiety of another level that doesn't have a off switch. I still get it but no where near as bad. Good you have you can exercise maybe it burns off the energy.

 

Hope it doesn't escalate too much keep us posted

 

Lolly

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ten0275

Thank you, Lolly. It's funny how the psychological side of this works. It is helpful to hear from you, I feel calmer knowing there is kind support here. It is so appreciated and it is palpable. I wish I were home tonight. Tomorrow is my travel day and if there are no delays, I'll be back in my own place tomorrow pm.

 

I will report back.

 

I hope all SA community members have a night of minimal or no discomfort. My best to everyone. I'm going to dose now and hope for the best.

 

Dave

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ten0275

Update. I got some sleep last night, thank goodness. Woke up with a splitting headache and a really bad tummy. Puked a few times, even during the four hour trip, but have arrived home and will now

Crash

Crash

Crash...

I have no idea where the onslaught of symptoms have come from. Getting through them as I can though.

 

Dave

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Rhiannon

Hi Dave--

 

Just read through your story. So glad you joined us. You've really been through the wringer, especially starting so young.

 

I think you're going to do fine, but please be really patient now, take a couple of years to get off that last 2 mg. I know it sounds impossible, but going slow at the end is absolutely the key. So many people have seen that finish line and pushed for it and ended up back on meds. I see it over and over and over and over again. You seem to have the determination and intelligence to really do this; use that to summon up the patience to really do it slowly.

 

Holds are amazing. I have become convinced that holds are just as important a key to success as the right size and timing of cuts. I think a three-month hold right now would do you a lot of good, if you would consider it. It gives your body time to really adjust and get in there and do some healing that it just can't do while we're continuing to reduce. While you're reducing your body/brain is just pedaling fast to adapt. I think from time to time it really needs to do more than that, to do some deeper healing that only a long hold will allow. So please consider giving that a try.

 

Hopefully this bad wobble is due to some kind of stomach bug--there's a lot of stuff going around, and you've been traveling so exposed to stuff probably. Don't know what part of the country you're in but out here in the NW there's a stomach bug going around.

 

Anyway, so glad to meet you and glad you're here.

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ten0275

Rhi, hello, and thank you very much for your thoughtful reply, for taking the time. I will most certainly consider a prolonged taper. I am excited to be finished, but not in a huge rush. And there is no way I want to precipitate anything that would cause me to backtrack. I think a three month hold sounds rational. Start from a clean slate at 2mg in March, and start cutting again.

 

In terms of the tummy stuff, you may well be right that it is a bug/virus of some sort. I woke up this morning and knew right away that I was in for it. About 10 minutes before departure, I heard "the voice." You know, the voice down there that basically says you have about 20 seconds to find the nearest toilet, to kneel before the porcelain goddess, and revisit your dietary intake of the 6 or so hours prior. I did a lot of porcelain goddess worshiping today. TMI, sorry :) I have the worst headache today. Very migraine-like.

 

Read your story too, Rhi. Whoa... Very intense. It is so cool of you to moderate. You can speak from that center of intensity. Foxhole comrades.

 

Thanks again.

 

Dave

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ten0275

I hope 2015 brings all of you closer to healing and that your suffering ceases. I am thankful for this site, the efforts of the moderators, and the individual journeys of everyone who shows up on this site.

Please be well.

My very best wishes,

Dave

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brassmonkey

Happy New Year Dave. I hope the next year brings you continued healing and recovery.

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Ever

Dave - just read your story. Blew me away.

 

I have crashed many many times after getting to zero. I now realise, from this site, that the last few mgs need to be tapered very slowly. I have been terrified of getting to zero again, but now I feel relieved and excited to think that if I go much slower on these last bits, that this time I could actually make it. I hope you stabilise soon. Glad to have your company on this journey down.

 

Happy New Year!

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lolly

Hi Dave how's it going? Was it a virus or withdrawal.. Keep us posted.

 

Hope you are doing well

 

Lolly

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ten0275

Lolly, hi.

 

Thank you for posting, for inquiring. It was the cut - I feel certain of that now. The symptoms were a total, temporary re-visitation of all the yuckiness I experienced in early withdrawal. I am going to hold in here @ 2mg until I am stable as a cornerstone.

As luck, or lack of it, would have it, I now actually do have the flu - like the real deal. In-flu-enz-ugh... :( No tummy issues, but chills, aches, etc. It is exacerbating symptoms, but at least I know what's going on.

I hope you are doing well too. I hope everyone is. I have the highest admiration for everyone here.

Thanks again, and stay in touch.

 

Dave (insert sniffles here)

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ten0275

Ps.. Ever and Brassmonkey (that funky monkey), thanks for the New Year Wishes! Made me smile! And tidings returned, with interest accrued.

Dave

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LoveandLight

You are getting there :)

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lolly

Aw poor you :( you have my full sympathy as I had exactly the same over Xmas.. the worst flu I'd had in years it made my withdrawal so much worse and the stress of it made me take ages to recover. Try to just rest your body completely and ride it out without pushing yourself too hard. Won't be long till your back to some sort of normality.

 

So I'm in holding mode now for a while too. My body certainly needs a rest from it all.

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Givemepeace

Hi ten,

 

I read your story, your certainly are strong.

I have a similar story and at a point where I am trying to stabilise on the mirt.

 

It is very intense for me at the moment, I am sleeping pretty good but the daytime is hell. Like you feel stuck on the mirt hoping to stabilise but feel totally ramped, suicidal thoughts, you name it.

 

How long did you persist with the mirt after stopping your other meds before you felt like tapering.

 

I feel like you did, don't feel like I'm gonna stabilise on mirt but stuck on it. Just awfull!!

 

Cheers, Mark

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Bayboy

Welcome Dave!!!

 

I haven't posted in months, generally being doing well with remeron taper. Down to 3 mg. Man am I glad you joined this exceptional online community! Seriously! I was curious and worried about you. You were such an inspirational voice to so many on a different site which I stumbled across earlier when I began researching Mirtazapine withdrawal. People like you and Wulfgar and Dalsaan from this site were absolute beacons of light when I was really struggling. I can't thank you enough. This site and its members will benefit immensely from your addition as will you from the experience and knowledge of Alto and the "mods". They are the best.

 

You made my day

 

Bayboy

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Rhiannon

Lolly, hi.

 

Thank you for posting, for inquiring. It was the cut - I feel certain of that now. The symptoms were a total, temporary re-visitation of all the yuckiness I experienced in early withdrawal. I am going to hold in here @ 2mg until I am stable as a cornerstone.

As luck, or lack of it, would have it, I now actually do have the flu - like the real deal. In-flu-enz-ugh... :( No tummy issues, but chills, aches, etc. It is exacerbating symptoms, but at least I know what's going on.

I hope you are doing well too. I hope everyone is. I have the highest admiration for everyone here.

Thanks again, and stay in touch.

 

Dave (insert sniffles here)

 

LOL--thanks for the sniffle grins. Anyone who can make me laugh when they have the flu has a true gift.

 

Yuck, the flu! I had it Christmas week. My thoughts are with you.

 

Thanks for your comments to me back up yonder. Foxhole comrades, indeed. I like it.

 

:-)

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ten0275

lolly, hi. oh yeah, this particular flu is brutal - the first i've experienced in 14 years. sorry you too had to weather it. i'm burning at about 3 scorching degrees above normal body temperature. last night was a sleepless fever-on/fever-break/fever-on sweat-fest, and the muscle aches are tremendous. oh, and the nasty dry cough. glad you too are holding in the aftermath. i will do the same thing. i am still learning to treat my body like the precise yet delicate machine it is. thanks for your sympathy. hopefully i'll pull out of this thing in the next day or two and start seeing some light.

mark (givemepeace), thanks for checking in man. really nice to make your acquaintance, though i wish you weren't on the mirt roller-coaster at all. i'm glad you are logging some sleep, that is key. that totally ramped feeling was experienced by me at 15mg too. even though 15mg and below are acknowledged as the less activating, more sedating doses, i still felt a lot of regularly experienced rev at 15mg - we're all different (anyone ever said that on this site before? ha!). and the suicidal ideation too - horrid. so, to answer your other question, i tapered the mirt in swoops/passes. after the benzo mess/cessation, i waited about 3 to 4 months before i started knocking down that mirt from 30mg to 15mg. i could literally feel my brain sizzle on 30mg, i was revving like rocket-booster, so it was a painful, but necessary series of drops. once i got to 15mg, i held for awhile and then really got dutiful about getting from 15mg to 7.5mg. after 7.5mg, i have been taking my sweet-ass-time, man. i want off, but i know i can't rush it. i'd take a shake of your suffering for a day if it worked that way, but it doesn't - i feel you though. really appreciate you taking the time to write. hang in there and keep in touch.

bayboy, hello! thank you for that kind and enthusiastic welcome. i'm glad some of the notations i made elsewhere helped you pull through some dark nights and days. it does me real good to know that. i'm glad to be here! i've been doing solidly with the cutting as well, though due to some recent flu-issues and perhaps a premature cut, i've been feeling some UGH. but i do believe it will right itself. it's cool to be walking with you in the last stretch. let's get there and shoot-the-curl, shredding smart all the way. stay in touch!

rhi, i could hear that laugh resound back to the eastern seaboard :) glad i could precipitate it. absolute Foxhole comrades. we hunker down, we share the incoming, push back as we can, and at the end of the day we'll be veterans victoriously returning back to the lives we deserve. i believe that.

 

i'm going to climb under the covers now and try to sweat this thing out of me; sweat like James Brown, funky-flu town.

hang in there everyone. my very best to each of you.

dave

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ten0275

ps. joannad - i so needed to hear that yesterday! and straight outta inverness to boot... thank you!

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btdt

Ugh the flu :( if doctors are right I just finished 2 bouts of it or it came back on me after we thought it was gone.  May the force be with you... wishing you peace B

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