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☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there

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Frustrated

In the midst of a flu bug right now. Feel extra horrible. Sorry man.

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Givemepeace

Hi ten,

 

Do you have many symptoms now you are stabilised.

 

What about the dreadful mornings, did you have that inner tremor/agitation.

 

G

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ten0275

btdt and frustrated, thanks for the compassion - much appreciated. it sounds like you both have recent/current and direct experience with this year's flu to know how nastybombasty it is. i am happy to report that this morning, i have gone from hot sweats to cold sweats which means that it, the flu, is burning itself out. burn baby, burn. i feel markedly less achy this morning and the headache has abated some. moving in the right direction. good to hear from you both!

givemepeace, hi.

when i stabilize, symptoms come very sporadically in isolated incidents - instead of the massive blocks of time (24/7) that they used to occupy. in terms of the dreadful mornings - and oh man, do i remember the inner tremor/agitation - that has pretty much left the scene altogether. i think that as you slowly and carefully descend down dose-wise, you are going to find the exact same thing. i know we're all different, but improvement is a reality. i might have a few cortisol-rev-mornings in the first two weeks of a cut - but beyond that, it has almost abated altogether. i never ever thought it would, as i assumed that i was an outlier case that would not heal. those dreadful mornings will abate. i should also mention that even when i have them now in isolated occurrences, they last a fairly short amount of time - an hour to two hours max - then everything settles. it used to be a very long-lasting horror-show. this whole experience has shifted my threshold for pain. nothing hurts me like it used to. i hope this gives you some peace. it is precisely how it happened for me.

hang in there and stay in touch.

dave

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Givemepeace

Thanks Dave,

 

What you wrote today has settled me a little, those two are my biggies, along with the suicidal ideation. Still trying to come to turns with this one, did you ever get like an urge to do something but it's the last thing you really want to do..... If that makes sense. Like an inner rage if you like.....so hard to explain.

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ten0275

um... YES! welcome to the wild world of intrusive thoughts. check this - i literally just posted it for ThinkPink's thread:

 

 

YES! oh, i had these intrusives terribly - horridly! they weren't just thoughts - it was like this very physical-feeling pull to drive off the road, jump in front of a car or train, swallow a razor, etc. mine stretched into other weird things like the intrusive thought to throw hot tea on co-workers as i walked past their desks, drive my car into groups of people, etc. it was my WORST symptom. it was terrifying. and guess what - it went away. it is totally a manifestation of withdrawal. it is almost like a form of withdrawal-induced OCD. hang in there.

 

i'll tell you one thing that helped me. a wise person once told me that the people who have the thoughts and think there is nothing wrong with them, those are the ones who should be worried about them. you know the thoughts are messed up - you wouldn't be talking about them if you thought they were normal. that should be VERY assuring to you. i had some of the most god-awful thoughts. they scared me to death. i never acted on a one.

 

and if you didn't have the thoughts before withdrawal, it is unlikely you will have them after. they have gone for me. but they used to be a 24/7 torturer....

 

hang in there.

 

dave

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dalsaan

Hi Dave

 

This is my first visit to your thread. Nice to meet you. I appreciate the support you are giving to the community

 

As a fellow remeron traveller I have to say, slowly does it. I have had to hold longer in these last few mls than ever before and I'm just exploring ways to drop less than .1. There is a post that explains why here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6036-why-taper-paper-demonstrates-importance-of-gradual-change-in-plasma-concentration/

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan

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Givemepeace

Thank you Dave,

 

God I am so glad to have met you. What you have told me the last few days has really helped me understand this beast a lot more.

 

This symptom is the worst and when it comes I feel like I'm trying to escape from my inner self!!

Deep down I know I won't act on these but buy god they certainly s..t me up.

 

I never had these thoughts until medication, just poxy panic attacks. Wish I would have found cbt first before the meds!

 

Keep healing Dave...and thank you so much for your words the last few days, you really don't know what it means to me.......actually you probably do!!

 

Thank you

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brassmonkey

Hi Givemepeace  We were just talking about this over on Thinkpinks thread, you may want to drop in and take a look. (I tried to give you a kink but it won't paste).

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Ever

(I tried to give you a kink but it won't paste).

LOLOLOLOL - thanks for that laugh Tom!

 

Sorry to hijack your thread Dave - I'm following your thread as it's so inspiring. :)

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ten0275

dalsaan, hey to you down under. it's nice to meet you too, and thank you for visiting my thread and saying hello. ah, another foxhole comrade in the withdrawal from mirtazapine. look at you all low at 1.3mg :)  i agree with your "slowly does it." and i am in no great rush really. i want off eventually, but i don't want to make things worse by rushing the process. as the beastie boys said in their 1986 song "slow and low" of the license to ill record,
 

 

Let it flow, let yourself go
Slow and low, that is the tempo
Let it flow, let yourself go
Slow and low, that is the tempo

givemepeace, you are very welcome. it was my worst symptom too. you're good. and it is very cool that you didn't have the thoughts before the drugs. you didn't all of the sudden just end up with "harm OCD" and intrusive thoughts! it is a withdrawal effect. it'll go. like you, i was "treating" straight-up anxiety too. the only positive about this whole period of anguish for me - the anxiety that once pushed me to seek prescriptions doesn't seem so bad anymore. after you get through withdrawal, nothing seems quite so bad. you'll get there. stay in touch, anytime.

 

ever, tom's attempted KINK was the first ever thrown at me. :)

dave

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btdt

Thank you Dave,

 

God I am so glad to have met you. What you have told me the last few days has really helped me understand this beast a lot more.

 

This symptom is the worst and when it comes I feel like I'm trying to escape from my inner self!!

Deep down I know I won't act on these but buy god they certainly s..t me up.

 

I never had these thoughts until medication, just poxy panic attacks. Wish I would have found cbt first before the meds!

 

Keep healing Dave...and thank you so much for your words the last few days, you really don't know what it means to me.......actually you probably do!!

 

Thank you

"This symptom is the worst and when it comes I feel like I'm trying to escape from my inner self!!"

This is not your inner self...or real self this is withdrawal and has nothing to do with self... I know how you feel these thoughts in withdrawal and on other psych drugs is what kept me drugged for 18 years... such a horrid waste of a life.  Once I learned the truth I would usually pray... to take my mind off it a positive distraction for me... then say that is an Effexor withdrawal thought or simply Effexor thought.  A lot of really painful crap comes with withdrawal and these drugs but it will end ..please know this is not "yourself but a drug induced reaction"  

Think of the things we use to hear about the horrors of street drug in my opinion all those things apply to these drugs.  Flashbacks included. I wish you peace. 

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Givemepeace

 

 

Thank you Dave,

 

God I am so glad to have met you. What you have told me the last few days has really helped me understand this beast a lot more.

 

This symptom is the worst and when it comes I feel like I'm trying to escape from my inner self!!

Deep down I know I won't act on these but buy god they certainly s..t me up.

 

I never had these thoughts until medication, just poxy panic attacks. Wish I would have found cbt first before the meds!

 

Keep healing Dave...and thank you so much for your words the last few days, you really don't know what it means to me.......actually you probably do!!

 

Thank you

"This symptom is the worst and when it comes I feel like I'm trying to escape from my inner self!!"

This is not your inner self...or real self this is withdrawal and has nothing to do with self... I know how you feel these thoughts in withdrawal and on other psych drugs is what kept me drugged for 18 years... such a horrid waste of a life. Once I learned the truth I would usually pray... to take my mind off it a positive distraction for me... then say that is an Effexor withdrawal thought or simply Effexor thought. A lot of really painful crap comes with withdrawal and these drugs but it will end ..please know this is not "yourself but a drug induced reaction"

Think of the things we use to hear about the horrors of street drug in my opinion all those things apply to these drugs. Flashbacks included. I wish you peace.

Today has been a big learning curve for me.

 

I feel as though a big wait has been taken away from me. These thoughts were so confusing....I was fighting them......trying to solve......trying to think happy......just over thinking.

 

I now feel like I can let them be......I have tagged them my drug thoughts!!

 

Thank you guys.

 

G

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btdt

good idea :) peace

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ten0275

Perfect, G! Don't try to fight, solve, or rationalize them. That can't be achieved with nonsense thoughts like these. They're like fireworks bursting against the canvas of a blank sky. Let them pop all they want and evaporate into the nothingness from which they came. You nailed it: label them "drug thoughts" and let them evaporate. In the near -future, they'll be replaced with more, but one day you'll find you labeled a " drug thought" and another didn't come to follow. Believe in that, hang in there, keep up the great work!

 

Dave

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brassmonkey

Very well put Dave. It is one of the big keys to making it through WD and one you can't be taught, you have to learn for yourself.

 

Ever-- I washed my hands this morning and can't do a thing with them.  I'm just trying to carry on the tradition of typing inappropriate things that I started elsewhere.  BTW Dave, your avatar picture is kinds cute. LOL

 

Givemepeace-- That is a major lesson and one that will be very useful throughout WD and the rest of your life.  Well done on picking it up.

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ten0275

Hahaha, thanks for the laugh, man. I figured a photoshop of me under a deluge of water seemed apropos for this journey, damn... Glamour Shots By Dave. LOL for sure. Thanks for at least attempting to send me the "kink." The way Ever framed it, I took it as high compliment, Tom. ????

 

OK, my brothers and sisters in arms, I need to crash. Any vibes sent this way for an end to this fever and flu would be appreciated utmost. Tomorrow, come softly...

 

Night...

 

Dave

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cymbaltawithdrawal5600

As a fellow remeron traveller I have to say, slowly does it. I have had to hold longer in these last few mls than ever before and I'm just exploring ways to drop less than .1. There is a post that explains why here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6036-why-taper-paper-demonstrates-importance-of-gradual-change-in-plasma-concentration/

 

 

 

Bumping Dalsaans post. That article might be extremely important for you to read. You seem intelligent and very articulate, I think you'll understand it. mammaP's story illustrates it perfectly. She is now down to ONE BEAD of her drug and was getting a return of symptoms just by virtue of differences in bead SIZE. I am not sure if it is still the case but you might want to read the later parts of her thread about what happened.

 

Good healing to you!

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ten0275

cymbaltawithdrawal5600, hey. thank you for checking in. very cool of you to bump dalsaan's post. i had actually read that article a short time before joining the site, it has been a good refresher to revisit it now. and... it makes perfect sense. i actually made that chart my screensaver for a short while when i first came across it, ha! a total epiphany moment. one thing i have not done is extensively read mammaP's post and i will commence to doing so. thanks for the well-wishes, and i wish you good healing as well.hang in there.

 

dave

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lolly

So I'm having a really bad time this cut its been about 5 weeks and I just can't stabilize my head and body are all over the place and it's worsening an existing illness I have. Having real trouble even typing this... I hate to moan I'm normally a fighter!!

 

So do I up dose? Think I probably will my last drop was from 3.8 to 3.6 so I'm thinking maybe try upping to 3.7 feel so defeated all of this time I spent fighting will go to waste.. Sorry to be on a downer!

 

Help much appreciated

Lolly

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ten0275

Lolly, hey, whoa... I am super-sorry to hear this news. You are not being a downer, just being honest and that is cool.

 

This is tough. How long have you been @ that dose? You cut early December? And you were fairly conservative; less than 10%.

 

Personally, the few times I've had to upD, I've done so no further out than 3 weeks. Past that, I grit my teeth and bear because upping any further out from that has done me no good. Just my experience.

 

What's your gut feeling? You think if you up, it'll swing things? And when exactly did you cut?

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

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lolly

I know it was a small drop I can't believe how badly it has hit me this time and such a small amount! Before that I was doing 10% but things were getting bad so I dropped a little less.

 

My last drop was in the first week of December I was fine for a week then the flu hit me and just couldn't seem to recover.

 

My gut is telling me to up dose as it's always worked in the past. Just hope it works this time.

 

Thanks for the advice hope you are feeling a bit better.. how's the flu?

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ten0275

Wow. You and I cut at the same time and also both had the flu! Lucky us! :) My flu symptoms are better, but of course the overall cortisol load is heavier because of the stress of it all. All of my icky feelings are intensified too. And I hope they don't hang around for long. For either of us!

 

I commend you for going with your gut! You are basing your choice on past successful experience. I hope it will work for you too :) Let's think positively, it will work :)

 

May stabilization be yours Lolly, hang in there.

 

Dave

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lolly

Cheers Dave I appreciate your help. The flu has worsened my cortisol, tiredness aches and pains. And a whole load of ickyness.

 

Let's hope this buggers off soon for us (a British saying if that doesn't make sense to you lol!)

 

Much love and stabilizing

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Givemepeace

Cheers Dave I appreciate your help. The flu has worsened my cortisol, tiredness aches and pains. And a whole load of ickyness.

 

Let's hope this buggers off soon for us (a British saying if that doesn't make sense to you lol!)

 

Much love and stabilizing

Hi lolly,

Do you think your last cut could be drawn out a little longer from you been naturally poorly?

Maybe if you hold fire until your flu recedes before deciding to up dose?

Hope you stabilise soon.

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lolly

Thanks give me peace. I really do agree that's what is happening my body is finding it harder to repair itself because it's also trying to repair from the flu. This is why I feel I do need to up dose to get my strength back then I'll be ready to start tapering again. I guess I know my body and know I need to do this. But I really do appreciate your input :)

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ten0275

Hi all,

 

I've decided to cut tonight. Tonight marks 6 weeks since my last cut of 10%. I feel sufficiently stable to cut, however I plan to cut 5% this time with the hope of making smaller cuts slightly more frequently.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

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Ever

5% cut - Woot Dave!   Good luck!  :)

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Givemepeace

Hi ten,

 

Your in a good place now buddy, your in charge of it now.

 

I know you'll breeze the rest!!

 

G

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ten0275

Ever, GMP, thank you both so very much for your support! I measured out the 1.9mg last night with a smile on my face. The 5% feels less aggressive than the 10% - and that seems ok for this late-stage in the game. So, I'll hold in tight for some weeks and see if there are any bumps or bruises. Thanks for thinking of me.

 

Dave

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brassmonkey

Wow, under 2.0 way to go Dave.

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lolly

Well done Dave you are doing amazingly! Good choice doing 5% let us know how you get on. I'm sure you'll be fine it seems you're on a good road now.

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ten0275

Brassmonkey, Lolly, thank you both immensely :) I appreciate you passing on the good energy, for taking the time.

 

Today has been an oddly difficult day - but I am not ready to say it is a result of the cut. I think some other things might be in play. I will definitely keep everyone up-to-speed.

 

Dave

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Fresh

Hiya ten , it's good to meet you.   I find your journey and the way you write inspiring . . . you're quite the poet.

 

It's been 13 days since your last drop . . .how are you going ?  

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ten0275

 

Hiya ten , it's good to meet you.   I find your journey and the way you write inspiring . . . you're quite the poet.

 

It's been 13 days since your last drop . . .how are you going ?

Fresh, hey.

 

Thank you so much for inquiring about my state of being - and for your kind words about my writing. It means a ton. I also like seeing the messages you leave for others. You offer solid words - decidedly good. It was cool to see Givemepeace get into his window the other day - it was good we were there for him. He's a good guy in a tough (temporary) place.

 

Yeah, that 2 week mark is always a prickly little patch for me. I don't suffer anything like I did in the early days of withdrawal, but I still get some unpleasant sensations. Rapid thinking, the general sensation that my anxiety levels are rising, a slight off-balance feeling, some hot skin, the urge to cry anytime/anywhere. But it doesn't hang around long. Maybe a couple hours or something like that. Today had some of these symptoms present - they rained in about 10 am and slid away around 1 pm. It truly has become somewhat clockwork for me - I feel an initial bit of discomfort within the first two weeks of a cut, then that two week mark gives me a little thump like today, and then I slip into stabilization and start thinking about cutting again. It's almost sadistic. "Ooh yeah, that one hurt. But now I feel good. May I have another?" :) I'll be glad when it is all through.

 

Anyway, thanks again for taking the time and checking in. I feel solid all-things-considered and am grateful for it. I see so many on this site in a world of hurt and it makes me realize how far I've come - because I was there once. I don't take healing for granted. But I didn't do anything special to get to it. I just waited it out. I dug a foxhole, kept my spirit up, tried to exercise my body as possible, and tried to be careful what I put into myself. When the barrage came in, I took it and let the fear do what it had to do to finally show itself the door. But mostly, I just waited. There is a lot of fear on this site that healing is impossible - that this is a life-sentence. Healing does happen. I don't know what the structures in my brain look like, but all I know is that they, or something in there, is actually working again. I was completely torn down in withdrawal - physically, emotionally. I'd been on benzos and ADs - and in the hospital, the atypical anti-psychotics were given to me. Threw some gabapentin in there as well just for giggles (actually the stuff made me weep uncontrollably). Aw, I was poly-drugged like nobody's business! I felt I was destroyed. I thought it was the end for me. Dave's life, done. I wasn't destroyed. It wasn't the end. Ultimately, I was simply a hot coal buried in the smoldering ash of a medical disaster - time came around and I'm beginning to blaze up again. It'll be cool to see everyone on here taste healing in their own time and way. To see everyone blaze up and shine like that. Fresh. New. A sort of rebirth. It'll happen.

 

Hang in there.

 

 

Dave

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Ever

Awesome post Dave! 

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sunflower

Hi Dave,

 

Thank you for stopping by my intro and for the encouragement. I really appreciate it!

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