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☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there


ten0275

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Dave, your positive energy is infectious. Thank you for infecting me.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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Hey Dave-- I'm so glad to see that things are going well.  It is so helpful to be able to see a cycle develop so you can predict things a little.  It takes a lot of the second guessing out of it.  Hope things keep going well.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Awesome post ten,

 

You are one of the best, always there for others!!

Started diazepam when needed june2013

Various antidepressants citalopram, sertraline amytriptaline upto nov2013

Dependant on diazepam 3 mg daily with amitryptaline 10mg march2014

Start of June Changed to mirtazapine 15mg then 30mg for about 2weeks while fast taper from diazepam .5mg a week.

Back down to 15mg mirtazapine and down to 1 mg diazepam end of June.

During July tried to stop mirtazapine 7.5mg for 2 weeks then off still on 1 mg diazepam.

August back on 15mg mirtazapine down to 0.8mg diazepam

End of August escitalopram 10mg tried to cross taper from 15mg mirtazapine cut to 7.5 for 2 weeks but couldn't still 0.8 diazepam. 10/11/2014 Jumped from diazepam cutting .2 every 2weeks

10 weeks on 10mg escitalopram felt crazy!! Down to 5mg for 2 weeks and off (dreadfull mind changing) off 17/11/14

17/11/14Trying to stabise on 15mg mirtazapine

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Great post :)

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I see so many on this site in a world of hurt and it makes me realize how far I've come - because I was there once. I don't take healing for granted. But I didn't do anything special to get to it. I just waited it out. I dug a foxhole, kept my spirit up, tried to exercise my body as possible, and tried to be careful what I put into myself. When the barrage came in, I took it and let the fear do what it had to do to finally show itself the door. But mostly, I just waited. There is a lot of fear on this site that healing is impossible - that this is a life-sentence. Healing does happen. I don't know what the structures in my brain look like, but all I know is that they, or something in there, is actually working again. I was completely torn down in withdrawal - physically, emotionally. I'd been on benzos and ADs - and in the hospital, the atypical anti-psychotics were given to me. Threw some gabapentin in there as well just for giggles (actually the stuff made me weep uncontrollably). Aw, I was poly-drugged like nobody's business! I felt I was destroyed. I thought it was the end for me. Dave's life, done. I wasn't destroyed. It wasn't the end. Ultimately, I was simply a hot coal buried in the smoldering ash of a medical disaster - time came around and I'm beginning to blaze up again. It'll be cool to see everyone on here taste healing in their own time and way. To see everyone blaze up and shine like that. Fresh. New. A sort of rebirth. It'll happen.

Hang in there.

 

 

Dave

 

 

Nice. Beautifully said. Thanks Dave.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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Dear Dave, I was thinking about you. Please could you tell me if the major deppression can solve also by itself? I dont want to take these all antidepresants and antipsychtics. I would rather wait until this everything solves by itself only naturally. Do you think it is possible? Or is something that the medicaments are something what I have to take. I hope everything is ok with you. If you would like to speak with somebody you can write me anytime.

05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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Everyone, hello.

 

I want to thank each of you who stopped in after reading my last post and left me some words. It means a ton and I want you to know it. Two of the most difficult parts of withdrawal for me were the people who did not believe/understand that not only did withdrawal exist, but that I was suffering from it - and - the slim presence of those who had actually made it through towards the other side - towards peace and healing. I always said to myself that if I got to a more sturdy place myself, that I would both affirm others' suffering AND show that the gentle shore does exist across the rough waters. These gentle shores exist, I've got better than one foot on them already - and I know you suffer, so please hang in there.

 

Ever, I read your history and your now very pragmatic and cautious approach to tapering. I admire you! What is it you say there in NZ - Woot!

 

Sunflower, as I said, I love the way you are chronicling your journey. And I think you are on the right track with the magnesium. It is really the only supplement that helped me.

 

Pugknows, I don't think anyone has ever thanked me for infecting them with something before :) May the strain I passed on to you prove strong and viral!

 

Brassmonkey, always thankful for your presence.

 

GMP! Hang in there, brother!

 

Joannad, your presence is peaceful and strong. Thank you.

 

Rhi, thank you. Not only for stopping in, but for moderating this cove we find ourselves in.

 

Martina, hi. I've thought about you too. While I cannot answer the question you asked directly, I can say that it would be worthwhile to evaluate when the major depressive disorder began. If it was after you began psychotropic medication, then absolutely. You will heal. I did the "hospital thing" when I got desperate in the early days. It just meant a little more work after. Hang in there.

 

Tattyapple - hello, and hang in there. One day at a time equals one step at a time - to marathon completion.

 

Well, I am recovering from yet another flu bug. My oldest son is in his first year of school and brings home all manner of communicable illness! Lovely! But, his hugs and kisses more than make up for the maladies. The U.S. east coast north is about to buried in snow again, so my shovel stands ready - as does an iPod full of Funkadelic and The Beatles.

 

Off to the gym. My very best to each of you.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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i am going to start taking these cuts a whole lot slower. i cut that 5% over two weeks ago and i am definitely symptomatic. nothing debilitating, but seriously uncomfortable. higher anxiety, racing thoughts, the slight urge to avoid situations i would otherwise get into, some depression, some dizziness and head pressure - i feel super-teary today. go ahead, tell me something sad and i will lose it right now :):(

 

anyway, the take-home message i think is that it can get more difficult at the lower doses. i thought cutting 5% at 4 weeks from the last cut would be safe - but i'm not certain i was totally stabilized from the cut prior. and i am feeling it now.

 

i hate this sh*t.

 

hang in there everyone and cut slow...

 

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Your getting there :) nearly there. Hope you feel better :)

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I 'think' I'm beginning to feel the cuts now too Dave.   I've now had two episodes of what I thought were 'near heat-stroke', when I've been working my wee horse on the ground in the arena.  Got really dizzy and almost faint (I never faint) and I had slight dizziness which improved every day after the first episode for about a week.  It has been really hot here so I just thought it was that, but I've realised that both episodes were just after my cuts.   Plus I too have been a bit weepy last few days.   arrgh.  Slower it is then lol.   And longer holds I think are in order.  

Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989.  Recovered.   Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000.   Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero.   Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me.   Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal.   Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever.  Feeling good:).

7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg

28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg

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Hope it passes soon Dave. Slowly does it is the best way.. Well it is for me anyway. sometimes it can take a while to catch up with you and like you said you can think you have settled down before you actually have fully.

I hate those wobbles you have when you feel like avoiding things. How rubbish!

I'm still holding. Bit scared to drop again

Lolly

Feb 2013 - started Mirtazapine 15 mg have CFS /ME

did 6 months of tapering to 0 mg

2 months drug Free awful withdrawal

May 2014 reinstated at 6 mg

August 2014 - 5 mg. October 2014 - 4 mg. November - 3.8 mg

December - 3.6 mg. Jan upped to 3.8 holding for a while

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Poor Dave, so much suffering... Dont worry you will get better. You will see. And then you can again support me and Givemepiece...

05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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Sorry to see you suffering this blip ten,

 

Hope it passes soon for you and you are back to your solid self.

 

Thinking of you mate.

Started diazepam when needed june2013

Various antidepressants citalopram, sertraline amytriptaline upto nov2013

Dependant on diazepam 3 mg daily with amitryptaline 10mg march2014

Start of June Changed to mirtazapine 15mg then 30mg for about 2weeks while fast taper from diazepam .5mg a week.

Back down to 15mg mirtazapine and down to 1 mg diazepam end of June.

During July tried to stop mirtazapine 7.5mg for 2 weeks then off still on 1 mg diazepam.

August back on 15mg mirtazapine down to 0.8mg diazepam

End of August escitalopram 10mg tried to cross taper from 15mg mirtazapine cut to 7.5 for 2 weeks but couldn't still 0.8 diazepam. 10/11/2014 Jumped from diazepam cutting .2 every 2weeks

10 weeks on 10mg escitalopram felt crazy!! Down to 5mg for 2 weeks and off (dreadfull mind changing) off 17/11/14

17/11/14Trying to stabise on 15mg mirtazapine

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everyone, hello.

 

thank you all so much for the kind support, the comforting words - as always. this place is truly a refuge and i am beyond grateful that i can reach out, talk about how i suffer, and someone will actually say, "hey, i care - i know your breed of hurt - hang in there." and even tell me about what is going on with them too. it means a great deal. i know i don't need to tell you that, because you all feel much the same way. it's warm.

 

i am feeling somewhat better today. often, my more difficult days are followed by moments in the calmer emotional and physical cove-waters. i was thankful that today brought a degree of this respite slish-sloshing upon my shores. i feel like crying now, but probably because i am so thankful for each and every one of you, so no worries on that one. other than that, some minor anxiety spikes, a bit of a headache, a little dizziness. but improved.

 

it's a good reminder to me, and maybe you too, that vast improvement can be made - but that doesn't mean healing is fully accomplished nor stable. more than two and a half years out from my cessation from benzos and into my ongoing taper of mirtazapine, withdrawal can still put the hurt on me solidly. i know i am moving in the right direction. the fact that i do things now that i could never do in accute withdrawal, or even while still fully on the drugs, is the evidence of that. but i still have some ways to go - some days that lay me low. it'll be a journey - the last 1.9mg, and then the days, weeks, months, years that follow that jump to nothing when it occurs. i try not to project too far out. i am scared. but i've been through a ton, so i have no choice but to march onward and put my best face on.

 

all right, i'll quit rambling here before i put you to sleep. hey wait, this is a site full of insomniacs! maybe i'm moving in the right direction - let me keep talking for awhile. i'll be better than any psychotropic you've ever taken :) all joking aside, thank you again. i appreciate you all immensely. everyone here is so worthy of great respect, admiration, peace. we've walked miles in the same shoes.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Just getting caught up on your thread 10 some very lovely posts thank you. 

You are an inspiration to many of use here.  Kindness and humor sure go a long way towards feeling human.  Just wanted you to know how much your are appreciated.  Love the insomnia joke since I have been doing the 4am sleep thing again it fits. 

What I have seen in the last stages of other peoples tapers...( I did not taper so can only speak to what I have seen in others) is a hold for a time maybe a couple of months to be sure you feet are solidly on the shore... in the cove before reducing.  I have also seen people do this for all the last doses and some have double insured with cutting the reduction below 5%. 

There was once this idea floated around wd sites for the cause for such needed changes near the end of the wd process... not sure it is valid again no research but it went like this:

 

As these drugs affect how our livers work ... larger doses of the drug cause the liver to not digest the drug as well as it does now.. after a slow taper that has allowed your liver to heal some... 

a better functioning liver and whamo a small amount of drug affects you like it could not have when you liver was not working as well because of the drug. 

 

Hope you have a great work out... wishing you peace. B

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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B, hey.

 

Thank you so very much for the lovely post. It has made my day. And I very much appreciate the tips and insights into low-dosing from someone who has read on the subject often. I will take all of those things into consideration.

 

You are appreciated!

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Your welcome Dave you can read all the same things here likely but a lot of what I have read has been at other sites that are now gone. 

wish you ease of exit 

peace

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I have a question for you Dave . . .   Do you find that "often" get a bug or a cold after you've done a decrease?     I'm reading this everywhere , people saying they have a virus or the flu , and I suspect it's part of WD.   Thoughts?

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Fresh, hey.

 

Really interesting question. One of the things that is difficult with my withdrawal is that the Mirt has antihsistamine properties. And I do experience sneezing, coughing, headache, itching, and other symptoms that could be interpreted as true allergic responses or viral/bacterial infections. I think a lot of the non-psychological withdrawal symptoms from most of the drugs share qualities of those associated with infectious illness. That's why so many of us at first doubt withdrawal and try to find out what the heck is going on! However we do know that stress pounds the immune system, so it is certainly plausible that the immunity bombs-out and becomes host to whatever crud is going around when a cut is made. It's a great question. I'll think more on it.

 

Thanks for checking in and posing the idea!

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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I have a question for you Dave . . .   Do you find that "often" get a bug or a cold after you've done a decrease?     I'm reading this everywhere , people saying they have a virus or the flu , and I suspect it's part of WD.   Thoughts?

I think it is wd flu.. I know you didn't ask me.. and I wonder about ssri affects on he immune system... some are post in obscure date in pub med ect..some are here...peace.

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Me too btdt , thanks both of you  :)

1987-1997 pertofran , prothiaden , Prozac 1997-2002 Zoloft 2002-2004 effexor 2004-2010 Lexapro 40mg

2010-2012Cymbalta 120mg

Sept. 2012 -decreased 90mg in 6months. Care taken over by Dr Lucire in March 2013 , decreased last 30mg at 2mg per week over 3 months. July 21 , 2013- last dose of Cymbalta

Protracted withdrawal syndrome kicked in badly Jan.2014 Unrelenting akathisia until May 2014. Voluntary hosp. admission. Cocktail of Seroquel, Ativan and mirtazapine and I was well enough to go home after 14 days. Stopped all hosp. meds in next few months.

July 2014 felt v.depressed - couldn't stop crying. Started pristiq 50mg. Felt improvement within days and continued to improve, so stayed on 50mg for 8 months.

Began taper 28 Feb. 2015. Pristiq 50mg down to 45mg. Had one month of w/d symptoms. Started CES therapy in March. No w/d symptoms down to 30mg.

October 2015 , taking 25mg Pristiq. Capsules compounded with slow-release additive.

March 2016 , 21mg

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Dear Dave,

 

Thank you for stopping by. So good to hear from a fellow survivor. Your words of encouragement were so beautifully expressed.

 

Hope you are doing well!

 

Sunflower

1998-2010. Zoloft 100 mgs.

3/2010. Switched to generic Z and began not to feel well.

7/2010. Estrogen patch added which caused severe depression.

8/2010 to 10/2010. Zoloft increased from 100 mgs to 200 mgs., Klonopin .25 mgs in am; .50 mgs pm; Remeron

.25 mgs. added by new doc

1/2011. Began tapering K; last dose of K 7/2011.

11/2011 Began Remeron taper; last dose of R 1/2012 (Tapered K & R by dry cutting)

1/2013 Began tapering Z from 200 mgs to 100 mgs by dry cutting

3/2013. Experiencing wd sx...took break

9/2013. Down to 150 mgs.

2/2014 - Present. 100 mgs Z

1-21-15. Began dry cutting 100 mgs.

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Hi Dave,

 

Reading your post gives me hope. You really have gone through a lot, but the positiveness in your post is uplifting. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Cheers, Hopefull.

DRUG HISTORY:

 

November 2013- Zoloft, ( Bad reaction).

January 2014 - March 2014 Seroquel.( Quit Cold Turkey).

January2014- Mirtazapine, I was taking 15mg at one stage, reduced to 7.5mg, Pgad reactions to Mirtazapine. Doctor kept increasing it to 37.5mg, until July 2014. No improvement, experiencing panic attacks, on 37.5 mg. I had enough by October 2014. Began tapering.

October 2014- Started tapering Mirtazapine from 37.5mg.

September 2015- Down to 4mg of Mirtazapine. Crashed.

September 16th- Up dosed to 5mg. Held this dose for almost 5 months. Stabilised.

February 2016- Began tapering again. From 5mg to 4.5mg of Mirtazapine. (Rocking the boat, again)! Lol. :(

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  • Moderator Emeritus

community, hello.

i was thinking this morning about the suffering that comes with withdrawal. it is something that has occupied my mind at intervals for nearly three years. prior to withdrawal, i generally questioned only the bigger ideas of how we suffer and why we suffer. though my life had been far from perfect, there had never been a true catalyst for the investigation of suffering until withdrawal unceremoniously crashed through my door and commenced to laying the hurt upon me.

while in acute withdrawal, i couldn't consider a topic like this. my brain was too damaged to know what season we were in or even who the president of the united states was at some moments. but as the heavy wet blanket began to lift and i could once again breathe, feel, and think, i started to consider what i had been through and what was still to come. i basically distilled it down to this:

the suffering is real. the suffering is relative.

suffering is seeded within everything we experience - both pleasurable and painful. from the sweet candy that at once tantalizes our taste buds while taunting the decaying tooth or sensitive tummy - to the wooden splinter lodged in the small of our finger, difficult to retrieve with tweezer-like implements - the suffering waits to unfold. suffering in many ways defines who we are as humans - but it is not necessarily a cause for sorrow. while suffering has the propensity to generate the strongest disdain in some cases, it quite often generates the strongest love in others. the perception of suffering on a heart-level humanizes us and brings technicolor to otherwise dulled perceptions.

in withdrawal, the suffering is so very real. it is the most basic and palpable type of suffering. it is the agony of our brains and bodies trying to find the equilibrium that the drugs have temporarily dismantled. from intrusive and disturbing thoughts, to brain zaps and crushing pain. from depression that settles in like a slow-moving tar tsunami, to the involuntary shaking and agoraphobia - the suffering of withdrawal comes in many forms. and it is very, very real.

i think it is immensely important that we recognize this without laying anything else upon it. to simply stop in the chaos of it all and say, "i am suffering and my suffering is real." by doing this, we honor what we are undergoing without obscuring it with how we came to this point in our lives, why we came to this point in our lives, what we might have done differently, and how we feel we are failing because of it. "i am suffering and my suffering is real." we owe this acknowledgment to ourselves for what we have been through and endure.

at the same time, it is important and empowering to recognize that our suffering is relative. i remember when i was in the deepest stages of acute withdrawal, there was a particular day that was very difficult for me. my suicidal ideation was speaking loudly, i had been vomiting profusely, and the muscles around my eyes were spasming. i was talking to a friend on the phone who was telling me of a woman we had gone to high school with. she had an inoperable brain tumor and was nearing the end of her life, only in her mid-30s. my friend had been telling me of her struggles. i was so very wrapped in my own suffering that i think i barely acknowledged what was being said to me, and immediately began rattling off my own list of hurt. my friend, know that my suffering was indeed real, gave me the space to do this. when i had finished, my friend paused and said, "you know, what you are going through is absolutely horrifying, dave. but the day you are having today would be one of her good days."

it took me a moment. several moments actually. i wasn't sure if my friend had somehow belittled/dismissed my suffering as unworthy, or what had happened. but then i realized that isn't what was being taught to me at all. my friend had simply shown me that my suffering was relative. that my very worst day might very well be an improvement for someone else - that a day in which i felt the darkness of agony might be a day of carefree respite for someone in a state beyond mine. basically, that for all of my suffering, someone probably had it worse. and when framed in this way, the compassion generated for that other person by default brought me a sense of warmth and relief. i think this is so important to remember.

this web site is all about acknowledging the relativity of our own suffering, as we all find ourselves in varying degrees of pain. isn't the compassion displayed on this site evidence of this fact?! it is amazing and beautiful.

in many ways, i feel i am probably telling you what you already know. but for myself at least, it is a good reminder and i find that if i can look back here and read this in a week, a month, a year - it might just be the perspective i need in whatever moment brings me to it.

the suffering is real. the suffering is relative.

if you have read this far, i thank you. you are all immeasurably strong no matter how you feel right now. and healing will come for you.

hang in there.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Wow, Dave. Well said.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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I should not come on your thread and disagree with you.. so I won't but I do wonder how your friend knows this:

 "you know, what you are going through is absolutely horrifying, dave. but the day you are having today would be one of her good days."

 

Having had people try to point something like this out to me was a waste of their time. I could not take it in at all.  I also felt belittled and knew they did not understand where I was coming from at all.  You and I are completely different and maybe our wd were too.  I know one thing if there were some state worse than where I had been in wd I doubt I could survive it. As I would not have taken much more and still surprised how much I did survive. 

 

​What is comforting to you in some way is aggravating minimizing and dismissive to me so I think I will unfollow your thread.  To each his own.. this is your path I can't identify with it and no longer wish to participate. 

I do however wish you peace

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

Link to comment

Hey Dave,

 

Just checking in on you?  How have you been doing?

 

BB

<p>Dec 2012 - Some benzo's, some AD's for PTSD induced anxiety and insomnia

August 2013 - things go south with benzo (Klonipin), tolerance withdrawal, REALLY SICK, AD's (effexor/citalopram) added for "reset"!?!?, EVEN SICKER

Dec 2013 - RESEARCH begins…located Ashton manual (first breakthrough), my A-HA moment = benzo + too fast WD of other meds caused this mess...

Jan 2014 - convinced to take Mirtazapine 15-30 mg to help with Klonipin/ temazepam/ Citalopram taper, hit with wd symptoms but powered through

Feb 2014- stopped Klonopinipin (too quick taper but was destroying CNS) -, more wd symptoms but masked by Mirtazapine

March 2014 - silly ct attempt of 30mg Mirt , HORRIBLE hwd, no sleep, lasted 1 month, found this site (second breakthrough), armed with new knowledge, began proper slow taper of Mirtazapine and doing exponentially better, roughly 10% of each dose, and some long holds!

April 2014 - reinstate 7.5 mg Mirt, (30 day hold then slow taper for rest of year, took months to stabilize)

Jan 2015 - 3 mg (slow taper for rest of year)

Jan 2016 - 1.87 mg (slow taper for rest of year)

Jan 2017 - 0.37 mg (slow taper continues)

Aug 27, 2017 - 0 mg (JUMPED from 0.12 mg) - DRUG FREE!

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Dave - much food for thought!   Your post will stay with me on any bad days to come and will help to put things into better perspective for me.   Thankyou!

Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989.  Recovered.   Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000.   Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero.   Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me.   Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal.   Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever.  Feeling good:).

7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg

28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg

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Hello Dave!

 

I have read through your thread- not all of it, forgive me my concentration in English is still very decreased- but enough to know that you have come a long way. Your improvement is wonderful. I hope you are feeling well these days, I read your last cut wasn't easy, even if you took care to make it small. I also often regret it after making a cut, so I try to insist myself on the learning: slower next time!! Each cut is a learning experience.

 

I found your last post very interesting. I like how you are able to reflect on the suffering we are all going through. I am not very good at that for the moment. Like most of us here, there has been so much suffering before the AD withdrawal, so this painful WD process is like a drop too many. You must have done a lot of work about acceptance to be able to do that, and that is admirable. I am in the middle of that process, with yoga and its philosophie to help me. I am in a place where I viscerally need to concentrate on what is good, on what I have, and on what I can do. When I try reasoning about the suffering we are going through, there is so much anger and sadness that comes up. I always have been a sensitive person, so I think it is less painful for me to physically do something- yoga, walk outside, whatever. Maybe one day I'll get to thinking calmly about it!!

 

You have written in one of your posts that one of -if not THE most difficult thing for you about WD ADs is the lack of understanding and support from the people in your life. That is so true for me as well. For most of my adult life, I have very much cared and been there for the people in my life- maybe some times too much or too insistent, I'm not sure. But it makes me sad each time I notice a friend is not there for me. It can be in the forms of an unsaid judgement that I can feel, their lack of interest in my "condition" , and the lack of just simple encouragement. That brings me to the relativeness of suffering that you talk about. Of course I am there for my friend who lost her Mom, and I don't judge her if her mourning lasts in time. Of course I am there for a friend who has a sick child, lives a separation or has big health issues. Those are identifiable sufferings, that people can easily label. Our suffering is as hurtful, but unrecognized. For me, that is what's the most difficult about all this. Apart from this beautiful place here, we rarely get a tap on the back that means "You're doing great, you are strong, keep going."

 

BUT we surely can appreciate way more the few people who are doing it. And those will be cherished in our life forever.

 

Let me do it for you today. Keep going Dave, you are almost there, you've done amazing work!!! And you still do with your unifying posts.

2000-2001: Effexor              2005-2012: Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, desipramin, Wellbutrin, mirtazepin, Lamictal, Remeron, Abilify, nortriptylin, Cipralex, Cymbalta, and others I don't remember. Really bad side effects to all.
Sept-Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 5mg      Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg --> 10mg
Dec 2012: Paxil 10mg-->0; 1 week later: HUGE WD symptoms. Started to get informed on the internet and back to 10mg Paxil.
Dec 2012-Jan 2013: Paxil 10mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 2.5mg        End Jan 2013: P 9mg, W 100mg, I 2.0mg
Feb 2013: P 8mg, W 100mg, I 1.5mg      April 2013: P 7mg, W 100mg, I 1.25mg       May 2013: P 7mg, W 90mg, I 1mg    

June 2013: P 7mg, W 80mg, I 0mg       July 1/2013: P 7, W 70     July 22/2013: P 7, W 60             Aug 2013: P 7, W 50       Sept 2013: P 6.1, W 50     Oct 2013: P up to 6.3, W 50     Nov 2013: P 6.2 to 5.9, W 50      Dec 2013: P 5.9, W 40      Jan 2014: P 5.3, W40        Feb 2014: P 5.3, W 30      March-April 2014: P 5.3, W 26    May 2014: P 5.3, W 20        June 2014: P 5.3 W 15     July 2014:  P 5.3, W 14       Aug 2014: P 5.3, W up to 15     Sept 2014: P 5.3, W 14    Oct 2014: P 4.8, W 14      Nov 2014: P 4.3, W 14     Dec 2014-Jan 2015: P 3.9, W 14     Feb 2015: P 3.9, W 12    March 2015: P 3.6, W 12   April-May 2015: P 3.3, W 12    June 2015: P 3.3, W 10    July 2015: P 3.3, W 8   Aug-Sept 2015: P 3.3, W 6   Oct 2015: P 3.0, W 6   Nov 2015: P 2.7, W 6   Dec 2015: P 2.4, W 6   Jan-Feb 2016: P 2.4, W 5  March 2016: P 2.2, W 5   April 2016: P 2.2, W 4   May-June 2016: P 2.2, W 3  July 2016: P 2.2, W 2  Aug 2016: P 2.2, W 1  Sept 2016: P 2.2, W 0!!  Oct 2016: P 2.0   Nov 2016-Jan 2017: P 1.8  Feb-Mar 2017: P 1.9  April-May 2017: P 1.8   June 2017: P 1.6 July-Dec 2017: P 1.5  Jan-April 2018: P 1.6

Others: Cytomel 25mcg (thyroid), vit. C, vit D, Omega-3 fish oil, Magnesium bisglycinate , Melatonin 1mg, 81mg Aspirin, Milk peptides, L-theanine, Valericalm tincture mix, scullcap tincture, Suan Zao Ren (jujube seeds)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

hello all,

i'm just stopping in here for a moment. i've had sort of an intense last few days, so i've be away from technology and am just now having some time to catch up.

i wanted to take a moment to thank those of you who took the time to read my prior post, and also to those who replied to it. it means a lot that you give attention, particularly when you are in the midst of your own suffering and attention to anything is a hard-won asset in short-supply.

pugknows, it is always great to see what is happening with you and i thank you for being around and being such a supportive member on the site. you are quick to lend a boost to those in need when you can do it. and when the intensity rains down on you, you open your heart to both giving and receiving care. very strong.

btdt, i'm sorry my post caused you any suffering or emotional upheaval. of course that would never be my intention. i respect what you had to say in response and realize that my particular reaction to the described situation was my personal way of metabolizing and responding, and is not at all reflective of how others should, or would, respond. thanks for taking the time to read the thing and for responding honestly to it. i can understand why you would want to discontinue reading what i write. i've read that you've been having a rough go of late. hang in there. i am sorry you are hurting.

ever, i am always thankful when you check in. i absolutely love the photo you use as your avatar. that alone gives me pause to smile. thank you for reading what i write and for caring. for your warmth, and also your sense of humor.

 

bayboy, thanks for checking in.

athena, you fairly blew me away with your long and thoughtful response. i will tell you that i did shed some tears while reading it. i feel that you took great care in thinking about it and crafting your response and that means a ton to me. i try to craft unifying posts, thank you for recognizing that. perhaps my last post fell short as i touched some nerves that we all most certainly have found exposed at some point in our experience. your "tap on the back" could not have come at a better time and i really can't find words to express the gratitude i feel any further. thank you, friend.

hang in there everyone. and may healing be yours.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Dave thanks for your previous post, it is moving and makes me look at suffering in a different way.

Celexa 20mg 2008-2012 for Social Anxiety

Failed attempt to stop reinstated

1 year taper skipping doses

Celexa free 12/2013

1/2014-5/2014 took 5 htp every other day

Failed Reinstatement 5mg of Celexa on 12/2014 for 5 days only

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Purplestars22, hey.

 

Thank you for checking in, for taking the time to read me, and for your words. It means a lot to me, truly.

 

May you and all of us be free from suffering and the causes of suffering soon.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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I'm glad it helped my friend :)

I have all those ideas in my head, some related to what we talked about, some not, and I never do anything with them. Your post just game me the push to put them in writings!

How are you feeling today?

2000-2001: Effexor              2005-2012: Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, desipramin, Wellbutrin, mirtazepin, Lamictal, Remeron, Abilify, nortriptylin, Cipralex, Cymbalta, and others I don't remember. Really bad side effects to all.
Sept-Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 5mg      Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg --> 10mg
Dec 2012: Paxil 10mg-->0; 1 week later: HUGE WD symptoms. Started to get informed on the internet and back to 10mg Paxil.
Dec 2012-Jan 2013: Paxil 10mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 2.5mg        End Jan 2013: P 9mg, W 100mg, I 2.0mg
Feb 2013: P 8mg, W 100mg, I 1.5mg      April 2013: P 7mg, W 100mg, I 1.25mg       May 2013: P 7mg, W 90mg, I 1mg    

June 2013: P 7mg, W 80mg, I 0mg       July 1/2013: P 7, W 70     July 22/2013: P 7, W 60             Aug 2013: P 7, W 50       Sept 2013: P 6.1, W 50     Oct 2013: P up to 6.3, W 50     Nov 2013: P 6.2 to 5.9, W 50      Dec 2013: P 5.9, W 40      Jan 2014: P 5.3, W40        Feb 2014: P 5.3, W 30      March-April 2014: P 5.3, W 26    May 2014: P 5.3, W 20        June 2014: P 5.3 W 15     July 2014:  P 5.3, W 14       Aug 2014: P 5.3, W up to 15     Sept 2014: P 5.3, W 14    Oct 2014: P 4.8, W 14      Nov 2014: P 4.3, W 14     Dec 2014-Jan 2015: P 3.9, W 14     Feb 2015: P 3.9, W 12    March 2015: P 3.6, W 12   April-May 2015: P 3.3, W 12    June 2015: P 3.3, W 10    July 2015: P 3.3, W 8   Aug-Sept 2015: P 3.3, W 6   Oct 2015: P 3.0, W 6   Nov 2015: P 2.7, W 6   Dec 2015: P 2.4, W 6   Jan-Feb 2016: P 2.4, W 5  March 2016: P 2.2, W 5   April 2016: P 2.2, W 4   May-June 2016: P 2.2, W 3  July 2016: P 2.2, W 2  Aug 2016: P 2.2, W 1  Sept 2016: P 2.2, W 0!!  Oct 2016: P 2.0   Nov 2016-Jan 2017: P 1.8  Feb-Mar 2017: P 1.9  April-May 2017: P 1.8   June 2017: P 1.6 July-Dec 2017: P 1.5  Jan-April 2018: P 1.6

Others: Cytomel 25mcg (thyroid), vit. C, vit D, Omega-3 fish oil, Magnesium bisglycinate , Melatonin 1mg, 81mg Aspirin, Milk peptides, L-theanine, Valericalm tincture mix, scullcap tincture, Suan Zao Ren (jujube seeds)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Athena, hey.

 

Very cool that I could give you that little push to write - because you obviously have a ton of valuable things to say! In that sense, I contributed to the greater good - write on!

 

Today, I'm feeling rather good. Yesterday was an oddly tough day - but today, right from the start, things just felt right. It might have been the very good coffee this morning. Or maybe it is that it is friday. Or perhaps it's that the sun is shining, despite it being deplorably cold. Not sure which part of Canada you are in, but if you are in the central to east part, then you know what I am talking about with the cold - because it is that polar vortex that is coming out of the arctic, passing over you all, and laying the cold on us heavy. We are due a divine summer!

 

How are you? I am curious, what kind of yoga are you able to do at this point? Do you actually do postures?

 

Thanks for taking the time to check in, it means a ton.

 

Hang in there.

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Glad today is good :)

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Very glad too that today is good!

 

Coffeeeee... Definitely one of my life's pleasure too! I must limit it to one or two per day, but oh do I savor each cup! :) The beautiful sun is here too but the cold, oh boy... Here in Quebec, the temperature has been moving around -20 celcius since November now, I mean we are used to tough winters but this year has been really something!! Might be, apart from the obvious reason we know, another one why I am so exhausted. (sigh) So yes, can't wait for friendlier temperatures, lets start with a nice spring! ;) Being able to just breathe some air that is close to the body's temperature... Aaahhh!!!

 

Yes I do some yoga postures, the easy ones that don't require a lot of strength or stamina, and I do the hatha type, staying longer in each posture. I do the breathing exercices and meditation as well. I have registered to a site where for about 9$ a month I have access to hundreds of yoga videos, so each day I can choose one that meets my needs of the day and even help for some symptoms- insomnia, digestion, etc. I love it!

 

Thanks for appreciating me writing. English being my second language I guess I get a little shy of making mistakes or of saying something that would sound like something I don't really mean... Also because I feel my brain so foggy and often can't find the right words. Maybe it feels worse to me than it really is, and your encouragement means a lot to me!

 

Take good care Dave,

 

Athena

2000-2001: Effexor              2005-2012: Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, desipramin, Wellbutrin, mirtazepin, Lamictal, Remeron, Abilify, nortriptylin, Cipralex, Cymbalta, and others I don't remember. Really bad side effects to all.
Sept-Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 5mg      Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg --> 10mg
Dec 2012: Paxil 10mg-->0; 1 week later: HUGE WD symptoms. Started to get informed on the internet and back to 10mg Paxil.
Dec 2012-Jan 2013: Paxil 10mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 2.5mg        End Jan 2013: P 9mg, W 100mg, I 2.0mg
Feb 2013: P 8mg, W 100mg, I 1.5mg      April 2013: P 7mg, W 100mg, I 1.25mg       May 2013: P 7mg, W 90mg, I 1mg    

June 2013: P 7mg, W 80mg, I 0mg       July 1/2013: P 7, W 70     July 22/2013: P 7, W 60             Aug 2013: P 7, W 50       Sept 2013: P 6.1, W 50     Oct 2013: P up to 6.3, W 50     Nov 2013: P 6.2 to 5.9, W 50      Dec 2013: P 5.9, W 40      Jan 2014: P 5.3, W40        Feb 2014: P 5.3, W 30      March-April 2014: P 5.3, W 26    May 2014: P 5.3, W 20        June 2014: P 5.3 W 15     July 2014:  P 5.3, W 14       Aug 2014: P 5.3, W up to 15     Sept 2014: P 5.3, W 14    Oct 2014: P 4.8, W 14      Nov 2014: P 4.3, W 14     Dec 2014-Jan 2015: P 3.9, W 14     Feb 2015: P 3.9, W 12    March 2015: P 3.6, W 12   April-May 2015: P 3.3, W 12    June 2015: P 3.3, W 10    July 2015: P 3.3, W 8   Aug-Sept 2015: P 3.3, W 6   Oct 2015: P 3.0, W 6   Nov 2015: P 2.7, W 6   Dec 2015: P 2.4, W 6   Jan-Feb 2016: P 2.4, W 5  March 2016: P 2.2, W 5   April 2016: P 2.2, W 4   May-June 2016: P 2.2, W 3  July 2016: P 2.2, W 2  Aug 2016: P 2.2, W 1  Sept 2016: P 2.2, W 0!!  Oct 2016: P 2.0   Nov 2016-Jan 2017: P 1.8  Feb-Mar 2017: P 1.9  April-May 2017: P 1.8   June 2017: P 1.6 July-Dec 2017: P 1.5  Jan-April 2018: P 1.6

Others: Cytomel 25mcg (thyroid), vit. C, vit D, Omega-3 fish oil, Magnesium bisglycinate , Melatonin 1mg, 81mg Aspirin, Milk peptides, L-theanine, Valericalm tincture mix, scullcap tincture, Suan Zao Ren (jujube seeds)

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