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☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there


ten0275

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Dave, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope that you will feel well soon. If I could I would endure the whole your pain for you.

05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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Hi Dave, thank you for sharing your current struggle with us, I am praying that you will see improvement every day and feel encouraged. You are amazingly optimistic and encouraging even now, I truly appreciate the inspiration you give in your posts. Hang in there! ☺️ Rachel

2005-2009, Lexapro 10 - 20 mg, CT WD w/severe depression and anxiety:  2010-2015, Paxil, 30 - 40 mg, tapered off at 10 mg/week, moderate anxiety and depression:  2010-2015, Clonozapam 0.25 mg, as needed for anxiety and sleep:  1/10/2015, Zoloft 25 mg, tried to increase to 50 and 75, but nausea and dizziness:  2/13/2015, Paxil 5 mg, added back after 2 weeks at zero to reduce WD:  2/28/2015, Paxil 10 mg, increased from 5 mg to reduce WD, HOLDING:  3/04/2015, Zoloft discontinued (reduced to ~12.5 mg on 2/19, ~6.25 mg on 2/26, then zero):  4/26/2015, Paxil starting 10% taper (no scale so was inadvertently at 20% taper, yikes!):  4/30/2015, Paxil 10 mg, reinstated (WD disappeared between August 2015 and May 2016)

5/02/2016, Started 10% taper, reinstated to 10 mg on 5/11/16:  4/29/2017, Last dose of Paxil (working with holistic psychiatrist, lots of supplements to aid WD):  Primary symptoms: apathy, demotivation, anhedonia, fatigue, stress intolerance, moderate social anxiety

7/1/2018 Finally feeling like myself again, success!!! Praise God! Even with the stress of relocating recently, I am feeling pretty good most of the time now. Granted, I eat healthy, I exercise, I don't drink caffeine or alcohol and I try hard find a healthy balance of quiet and social times. Hang in there and keep the faith, you can do it too!

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Dave, thank you for the update. I'm sorry to hear about the syringe calculation mix up.

 

As far as the creatine break, no worries. Its best to cycle off of it now and then anyway. Glad the gym is providing relief. Its something that I can identify with.

 

Update when you can. I look forward to your updates.

 

Dane

September 2013. Diagnosed depression/anxiety. Start Prozac 10mg and slowly increase to 40mg.

October 2013. Lorazepam 0.5mg prescribed for anxiety after complaining about nervous energy

November 2013. prescribed a sleeping pill (name?) for insomnia. took once. ineffective.

January to June 2014. psychiatrist agrees to lower dose to 15 mg due to side effects.

August 2014 first attempt to quit cold turkey Lasted August 1, 2014 until October 1, 2014

November 2014 second attempt to quit cold turkey lasted Novemember 4, 2014 until Jan 13, 2015

January 2015 3rd attempt to quit cold turkey lasted feb 3, 2015 until feb 23, 2015

March 5, 2015 4th attempt to quit cold turkey.

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Thinking of you, hope you are doing okay!

All medications::

Xanax (1995-96), Aropax (1995-96), Mellaril (1997-2000), Efexor (1997-2002), Seroquel (2000-now), Lithium Carbonate (2000-now), Avanza (2002-05), Epilim (2005), Seroquel-XR (2000-now), Zyprexa (2002-14), Raberprazole (2000-now prn), Crestor (2009-15), Gabapentin (2009-12), Lamictal (2010-now), Abilify (2011-now) Lyrica (2012-now), Diazepam (2010-now prn), Saphris (2014), Respiridone (2014), Chlorpromazine (2014) Neulatil (07/2016)

 

Current medications:

Lithium Carbonate 750mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg800mg 04/16, 600mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 200mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 500mg 04/16; Lamictal 250mg 200mg150mg 04/16; Lyrica 300mg; Abilify 20mg 30mg 11/15 Zoloft 25mg 04/16 ceased after a week due to severe suicidal thoughts; Seroquel 25mg prn; Diazepam 40mg CT Jan 2013, 5mg occasionally, (massive med changes in April 2016 due to a hospital admission).

 

SupplementsFish oil 4000mgMagnesium 100mg Niacinamide 1000mgSlippery Elm 800mg , B12 1000mcg, Zinc 50mg, B6 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Calcium 1200mgP5P 100mg, Vitamin C 2000mg, Vitamin E 400IU

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

and in the gym, i find that when i lift the weights, putting that concentrated strain on the muscles, it makes me cry. i am glad no one else is at the gym at the hour i am, as i am quite a sight, for sure. the crying doesn't stem from the physical pain of the exercise. it has a neuro-emotion quality. it's hard to explain. but it is as if putting strain on the muscle is just enough to dispatch my already wobbly nervous system to its tilting point - and teardrops fall. afterward however, i feel very good. as i compose this to you, i find that i am relaxed and feeling fairly even. so the gym is definitely more a positive than a negative at this point in time.

I am familiar with this exercise induced weeping. It's happened when I've been running. It's like I become overwhelmed with a strange unidentifiable sadness, but there's this physical component to it that somehow makes it different from sadness. I've never stopped my run when the feeling hits and my eyes well up with tears, but I always thought if I did I would cry hard and violently. For me these episodes would dissipate as quickly as they came. In fact, there was a part of me that looked forward to them because generally, I've been unable to cry. This inability to cry has been both a side effect of prozac as well as a symptom of acute withdrawal.

 

I've heard of people describe similar experiences during deep tissue massages.

 

withdrawal gets into our heads and bad-talks us into believing we are somehow permanently damaged and doomed to the life of what we are currently feeling. it simply isn't true. withdrawal lies, withdrawal attempts to steal, but withdrawal will fade like a ghost in the rear-view in time.

I think this in and of itself is a withdrawal symptom! I can't think of a single person here who hasn't experienced it, myself included. And even knowing that it's our WD brain playing tricks on us, and being provided evidence to the contrary we somehow remain convinced that we're forever doomed... and no amount or reading or reassurance will convince us otherwise. I almost think it's the strangest of all the symptoms. I sit here now in a stable place trying figure out how I was so convinced of such a thing, yet knowing my brain may very well try to convince me again that I'm doomed at some point. Ugh! Brains are jerks!

 

I hope your wave passes quickly and relatively quietly! As you say, Hang in there!

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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Yes you a strong :) wishing you peace x

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Hey Dave

 

Just read through your page, your someone who inspires others and are as strong as they come . Your gonna flourish from all of this. Man you have come so far! Hang in your doing great!

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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Hi Dave ????

 

My friend Pugknows pointed me in your direction as you have left a remarkable impression on everyone you touch on this site. You have a kind soothing way with words and seem to know exactly what to say to people that are struggling. I feel for you right now with the waves of depression, anxiety, broken sleep, and neuro-emotion. Hang in there and keep your head up, you are doing everything right and I just wanted to drop by and give you a pat on the back.

Diagnosed: Pure O Ocd, Severe Anxiety Disorder NOS, PMDD

 

November 2009 - May 2013- CIPRALEX 20mg

C/T off 20mg Cipralex

Went into dark depression (never experienced before med)

September 2013 - March 2014- PROZAC 20mg

Weaned down to 10mg and held

October 1st 2014 C/T off 10mg Prozac

Protracted withdrawal - 8 months of the most horrific suffering imaginable

June 1st 2015 - ZOLOFT 25mg

June 26th 2015 - Dose increase to 50mg of Zoloft (taken at night after dinner). Slowly improving but still have severe OCD/ruminating, intense DP/DR, and brain fog. Just trying to stabilize at this point.

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People who shower once a week are wimps. I can grow potted plants between my toes.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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  • Administrator

Dave, ooops!

 

If the symptoms have not grown less, you have only a couple of choices: Updose or hang in at the current dosage.

 

If I were you, I might try a very cautious updose, maybe go up to 1.8mg?

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks for all the kindness and love, everyone - it means a ton. Today was fairly intense. I have not felt symptoms of this magnitude in a very long time. Very, very long time.

 

Alto, I would be open to a small updose for sure. Will do so tonight. Thank you for checking in and for the sound advice. Appreciated!

 

Hang in there, everyone. I am so sorry we all have to endure withdrawal. However I am thankful for all of your presence. I mean that sincerely.

 

Dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Keep us posted Dave , tomorrow is a new day!

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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I just wanted to say that you seem like such a sensitive,thoughtful& caring individual& I hope you feel much better very soon :)

went on Prozac 1994-99,60mg.poopout ct  back on 2001-2002,prozac weekly 2002,not working,Effexor 75 mg.?2003-mar.2004 gaining weight 8wk. taper,wellbutrin 150 mg.mar. -may 2004 ctmedfree til july 2005 back to Prozac gaining weight again,back on wellbutrin jan.2006150-300 mg.bad constipation.also was taking aygestin(hormone)perimenopausal irregular bleeding.back on Prozac around sept,?2006,hysterectomy jan30.2007(adenomyosis)off&on Prozac til 2009,citalopram about 1 mo, April 2010 no effect,Effexor again may -mar, 2011.ct,Prozac aug,-dec, 2011 &sept-nov 2012,paroxetine oct,23 2013-may 4 2014 20 mgs.tapered 6 wks.-failed RI in Oct.2014-in protracted WD.started 10 mgs. Fluoxetine May 25 2021 .Stopped fluoxetine May 2022 at 5 mgs.

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Dave, hang on. I know you're going through a rough patch. I'm praying for you.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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I hope you find relief soon. You are an amazing moderator that has the voice of wisdom and brilliance. I always like to read your post because they are so eloquently written and have great insight.

Celexa 20mg 2008-2012 for Social Anxiety

Failed attempt to stop reinstated

1 year taper skipping doses

Celexa free 12/2013

1/2014-5/2014 took 5 htp every other day

Failed Reinstatement 5mg of Celexa on 12/2014 for 5 days only

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  • Moderator Emeritus

sisters and brothers in arms, hello.

thank you all for your concern, healing thoughts, and loving wishes. last night was very difficult. i updosed a minute amount as suggested and after falling asleep around 9pm, awoke at 1:11am feeling like it should have been 4am or 5am. between 1:11am and sun-up, i was in a pool of sweat with my mind racing, muscles twitching, anxiety intensely revving, dread hovering, doubt creeping in, frequent urination, and the physical sensation that my mind brain was literally bending and wobbling in my head. it was a very difficult night to endure and several times i wondered if i'd make it to the other end of it.

however upon sun-up, i vowed to remain in a seated, cross-legged posture until i felt calm, no matter what befell me. i very quickly began to feel relief and today was, while shaky at times, much better than yesterday. i even completed a few home projects and got myself squared away for the start of my work week (which is freaking me out, i should add). so perhaps the updose did not help with last night, but added some stability to the day. i am hopeful that tomorrow will be even better, but am thankful that i had a respite today during the waking hours. my mind raced less, the nausea decreased substantially, the muscle twitching calmed, and i felt less like crying although i did cry a few times and was happy i did.

no exercise today. some light stretching.

in addition, i've begun a low histamine eating regimen as i am all-but-certain that i am histamine intolerant due to my mirtazapine use for all of these years - especially considering mirtazapine's affinity for those poor histamine receptors. i maintained this eating regimen the whole day yesterday, today, and i will do so going forward until further notice. it is not a huge jump for me. i eat relatively cleanly any way, i need to tighten up is all.

fatigue is setting in now, no doubt due to last night's hellfire and lack o' slumber. i resisted a nap all day today in hopes that i would normalize my sleep pattern. i am scared of tonight, very, but will drink an herbal tea, meditate, and then sleep when i'm moved to and not a second sooner. i'll remain on the higher dose of the mirtazapine until stable.

so much love and respect to each of you - we have an extraordinary community here. it never ceases to amaze me that amidst their own suffering, humans find the fortitude and compassion to embrace others who are also facing difficulty. i would love to pour a cup of tea for each and every one of you.

hang in there,

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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((((Dave)))) I'm so sorry to know you are struggling to keep your head above water. Your positive attitude and your seemingly limitless compassion for others will earn you a "free pass" with God and this wave will wash over you swiftly. Praying for you, as always. My pompoms are still in the air and your rollercoaster ride hasn't made me barf. Yet.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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I haven't come across too many others who share my muscle twitching symptom. I was beginning to think I was the only one. It is one of my worst symptoms. So sorry to hear you have it as well. Also sorry you are suffering. Hope you find some relief soon.

2002-put on amitryptiline for fibromyalgia. 10mg.2004-stopped abruptly. Didn't think it helped.2006 approx.-put on Paxil for mild anxiety 20 mg.2007 upped to 40 mg. not sure why.2011- tapered from 40 to 10. went nuts and went back to 20mg2014- tapered from 20mg to 0 from April to The end of June.current meds- Metformin(type 2 diabetic) and low dose aspirin.Take multi vitamin and vit b12, vit. D and magnesium. 5 months off Paxil. Still suffering.recently added 1.2mg of Paxil to alleviate withdrawals.(Nov 30)Dropped to .9mg because having symptoms from reinstatement.(dec 23)<p>taper to .76mg-.8mg (Feb 3) approx. weight .010 to about .008-.009 on scale.
.6mg (march 19th.) .5mg(April 19th)
.4mg(April 27th)
.2 (June 27th)

0mg.  done taper at beginning of August.

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Hang in there Dave. Even though I don't know you, I can tell you mean a lot to people on this board. I get very anxious on Sunday thinking how am I going to make it through another week. But, one day at a time.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Sorry to hear about the treacherous night, but glad you found some respit during the day. I've been working from home for nearly two years now, make my own hours and my anxiety amps up Sunday night and peaks during the day, Monday. Work itself is stressful, but the anticipation of work when in the throws of withdrawal is worse I think.

 

Once you're at work and doing what you do, I bet it gets easier. Can you plan a break at work if you need one?

 

You got this Dave!

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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Glad to hear you got some relief Dave , that sounded like a bad night buddy ! Ive been there and its no fun! Your body is just gonna take some time to stabilize on that new dose. Once it does and it WILL! you will be rollin again my friend ! Your gonna make it , Im not sure what you do as a job but I think you have a calling to help people and when you emerge victorious from this journey and thats not a matter of if , its a matter of when ! I think your gonna thrive ! keep it up buddy, Victory is yours!

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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6A0A9223-2.jpg?dl=0

 

Hi Dave i added a photo for you that i took whilst in my unstabilised state. I thought it was relivent to show that even when we feel fragmented we are still able to connect to the beauty of the outside world. I hope things carm down for you right now.

Hold in there dude and feel the love of the community all pulling together in times of need.

Amitriptyline 20mg for 11 months for migraines. 24.11.14 CT from amitriptyline by doctor to swop to Citrolpam as doctor felt side effects of drugs were mental health issues. 12.14 Reinstated back to amitriptyline 2 weeks later after cronic withdrawl. 19.02.2015 Droped from 25mg to 20mg as drugs causing adverse effects of heavy sedation and anestetic propertys.03.03.15 Reduced 18.5mg to try and deal with sedation again. 08.03.15 Reduced to 17.5mg  28.03.15 15.7mg 12.04.15 14.9mg 19.04.15 14.2mg 26.04.15 13.5mg  2.05.15 12.8mg 9.5.15 12.1mg 15.05.15 11.5mg 21.05.15 11.0mg 24.05.15 10.0mg 2.6.15 9.0mg 4.6.15 8.6mg 13.06.15 8.1mg 20.06.15 7.7mg 27.06.15 7.3mg 4.07.15 7.0mg 9.07.15 6.6mg 13.7.15 6.3mg 19.07.15 6.0mg 24.07.15 5.7mg 31.07.15 5.4 8.08.15 4.9mg 15.08.15 4.4mg 22.08.15 4.0mg 29.08.15 3.6mg 06.09.15 3.2mg 13.09.15 2.9mg 21.09.15 2.6mg 28.09.15 2.4mg 05.10.15 2.2mg 12.10.15 2.0mg 22.10.15 1.8mg 26.10.15 1.7mg 2.11.15 1.5mg 9.11.15 1.4mg 16.11.15 1.2mg 23.11.15 1.1mg 10.12.15 1mg 1.1.2016 0.9mg 17.1.2016 0.8mg 01.02.2016 0.7mg 08.02.2016 0.6mg 14.02.2016 0.5mg 21.02.2016 0.4mg 01.03.2016 changed to liquid 1:1 ratio 0.4mg 8.03.2016 0.38mg 15.03.2016 0.36mg 20.03.2016 0.35mg 27.03.2016 0.32mg 08.04.2016 0.29mg 14.04.2016 0.27mg 23.04.2016 0.25mg  30.04.2016 0.23mg 07.05.2016 0.21mg 14.05.2016 0.19mg 28.05.2016 0.17mg 06.06.2016 0.16ml 13.06.2016 0.15ml 20.06.2016 0.14ml 27.06.2016 0.13ml 04.07.2016 0.12ml 11.07.2016 0.11ml 18.07.2016 0.10ml 25.07.2016 0.09ml 01.08.2016 0.08ml 08.08.2016 0.07ml 15.08.2016 0.06ml 22.08.2016 0.05ml 12.08.2016 0.04ml changed to 10:1 ratio 02.09.2016 0.036ml 24.10.2016 0.033ml  14.11.2016 0.030ml 01.01.2017 0.024ml 22.01.2017 0.022mg 12.02.2017 0.020mg 05.03.2017 0.018mg 26.03.2017 0.016mg 17.04.2017 0.014mg 07.05.2015 0.012mg missed few sig updates 09.09.2017 0.005mg missing few sig udates 29.07.2018 0.0001mg 17.02.2019 0.000006mg missed few updates 12.06.2020 0.0000000064mg 27.11.2021 0.0000000048mg 04.2021 0.0000000018mg 19.12.2021 0.00000000025641mg 27.03.2022 0.000000000128205mg 4.7.2022 0.000000000064mg reduced 31.12.2022 unsure exact dose now but know how make it up. Droped by 50% twice from current dose. **See entry in my journey for dose calculation**. Redution Sept 24.2023. Reduction Jan 1.2024

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Dave,

 

I hope you had a better night last night. It's good to hear you noticed some increasing stability through the day.

 

It took awhile for me to feel benefits from the low histamine diet..but it also took some tinkering to find what worked in that regard. I think it's wise that you're doing this now, and not waiting for a full-blown histamine attack.

 

May you find some moments of ease through this transition.

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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Hi Dave just wanted to wish well on getting back to yourself.. it's so scary how you can go from feeling well on the road to recovery to back in the s%*t. I always try to run on a lower level of function when this happens just doing the absolute necessary and try to avoid stressors even tho everything seems to be hard and try and just look after myself as I would if I had the flu.

Sending you healing thoughts you'll get back to where you were. Lolly x

Feb 2013 - started Mirtazapine 15 mg have CFS /ME

did 6 months of tapering to 0 mg

2 months drug Free awful withdrawal

May 2014 reinstated at 6 mg

August 2014 - 5 mg. October 2014 - 4 mg. November - 3.8 mg

December - 3.6 mg. Jan upped to 3.8 holding for a while

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  • Moderator Emeritus

hello everyone,

thank you for your continued support, love, and kindness. it means a ton. things continue to be very difficult for me - cycling fairly rapidly. last night was another one of those nights, and this morning was one of those tear drenched, shaking mornings. it is tremendously humbling to be back in this type of suffering again, but i am doing my best to wade through the symptoms as they arrive upon and within me.

i want to caveat this dispatch by explaining that this does not appear to me to be a repeat of what i experienced earlier in withdrawal - when i was in the acute phase. i worry that some of you might read what i am saying and feel that there is this great threat that one might progress substantially and then return to a previous hell. i don't think this is the case here. please do not fret about your own path towards healing.

my running theory right now is that i made that error in cutting a couple months ago and the fallout was delayed somewhat. i am also entertaining the notion that the dose error, along with simply being on a very low dose of the mirtazapine after so many years at a higher dose, has thrown me into a state of histamine intolerance which i am attempting to stabilize via diet.

i have a message in with my naturopath and am awaiting his response. my naturopath was not benzo-wise when i came to him, but i educated him. likewise my naturopath was not mirtazapine-wise, but here he is becoming wiser too. he went to see whitaker lecture, and has read "anatomy of an epidemic." he is trained in both eastern and western medicine, so i feel in better hands with him than i do with most others. and something i take no small amount of joy in is that since working with me, it has become standard operating procedure for him to ask new patients if they are using benzos or ADs when they come to him with bizarre symptoms.

in the meantime, i am watching what i eat, i have discontinued my exercise regimen in full, and i am utilizing much higher doses of magnesium glycinate now - more on par with what i was using nearly two years ago. it seems to help with the anxiety. i also continue with the mirtazapine at the slightly up-dosed level.

so, this is just a check-in to let you all know that i am surviving antidepressants. thank you again for everything and i hope to be back, in a more present way, for everyone in a short while. i hold you all in my thoughts with wishes for your most perfect healing. please know this.

hang in there.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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((((Dave)))) We all have you in our thoughts and prayers.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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((Dave)) unable to read much but thinking of you xx

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Dave. 

I'm sorry the mix up a while back has caused this.  Hang in there, you will re-stabilize.

((hugs))

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Dave, sorry to hear you hit some bumpy road.  It's especially difficult driving on corduroy when you are in a sports car - hence, maybe working out not so good right now.

 

Your descriptions of tears in the weight room reflects my same feeling on the yoga mat.  Fortunately, everyone is "inside" and only the teacher sees what a mess I am.  But it's - something that used to help - is now causing problems.  I'm going to push through mine - but I had to cut way back on karate until I had to give it up entirely.  I even suspect that the hand injury is just a way my body has of keeping me out of the dojo until it's capable.  So I'm assuming that as long as the hand is unable, then I guess the body is not willing.  

 

The tears - for me today - it was "I want this to feel different than it does." and the tears were frustration over that variance.  Between should, and could, and want to - and was.

 

A thought for anxiety (usual warnings about "not a medical practitioner" and "may not work for you" and "especially not if you have diabetes") is niacinimide.   I wish I were brilliant enough to whip out a pack of links for you to check out.  Perhaps Mr. Google can lead you up a the path?  Maybe your naturopath will have some ideas?  I'm on a high dose, 3x a day (mostly at night).  I think it helps - it's not a miracle, it's not the answer, but I take all the help I can get.  It is, however, a B vitamin, so you might start small, the smallest you can find, and see if it helps with your crashing anxiety.  

 

Have you tried the magnesium bath yet?  It's the most instant attitude adjustment I've found.  Again, it's not permanent, but sometimes gives me just enough shift that I need.

 

I envy you your cross legged sitting time.  I've had too many teachers with too many agendas to be able to go there lately. So that's an awesome gift - appreciate it!   I'm also thankful for your naturopath.  It's good to have a good one.  It takes me something like 6 practitioners + yoga to sort my stuff out.  Plus a good friend who is a doctor.  So having one that you trust is gold!

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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Hang in there buddy.

 

You've played the game before and won.

 

G

Started diazepam when needed june2013

Various antidepressants citalopram, sertraline amytriptaline upto nov2013

Dependant on diazepam 3 mg daily with amitryptaline 10mg march2014

Start of June Changed to mirtazapine 15mg then 30mg for about 2weeks while fast taper from diazepam .5mg a week.

Back down to 15mg mirtazapine and down to 1 mg diazepam end of June.

During July tried to stop mirtazapine 7.5mg for 2 weeks then off still on 1 mg diazepam.

August back on 15mg mirtazapine down to 0.8mg diazepam

End of August escitalopram 10mg tried to cross taper from 15mg mirtazapine cut to 7.5 for 2 weeks but couldn't still 0.8 diazepam. 10/11/2014 Jumped from diazepam cutting .2 every 2weeks

10 weeks on 10mg escitalopram felt crazy!! Down to 5mg for 2 weeks and off (dreadfull mind changing) off 17/11/14

17/11/14Trying to stabise on 15mg mirtazapine

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Hi Dave, I am praying that you have gotten some decent sleep by now, but also that you know this too will pass and that you are strong. Know that we are all sending you healing thoughts and wishing you relief. Hang in there, you know it's temporary. Hugs, Rachel

2005-2009, Lexapro 10 - 20 mg, CT WD w/severe depression and anxiety:  2010-2015, Paxil, 30 - 40 mg, tapered off at 10 mg/week, moderate anxiety and depression:  2010-2015, Clonozapam 0.25 mg, as needed for anxiety and sleep:  1/10/2015, Zoloft 25 mg, tried to increase to 50 and 75, but nausea and dizziness:  2/13/2015, Paxil 5 mg, added back after 2 weeks at zero to reduce WD:  2/28/2015, Paxil 10 mg, increased from 5 mg to reduce WD, HOLDING:  3/04/2015, Zoloft discontinued (reduced to ~12.5 mg on 2/19, ~6.25 mg on 2/26, then zero):  4/26/2015, Paxil starting 10% taper (no scale so was inadvertently at 20% taper, yikes!):  4/30/2015, Paxil 10 mg, reinstated (WD disappeared between August 2015 and May 2016)

5/02/2016, Started 10% taper, reinstated to 10 mg on 5/11/16:  4/29/2017, Last dose of Paxil (working with holistic psychiatrist, lots of supplements to aid WD):  Primary symptoms: apathy, demotivation, anhedonia, fatigue, stress intolerance, moderate social anxiety

7/1/2018 Finally feeling like myself again, success!!! Praise God! Even with the stress of relocating recently, I am feeling pretty good most of the time now. Granted, I eat healthy, I exercise, I don't drink caffeine or alcohol and I try hard find a healthy balance of quiet and social times. Hang in there and keep the faith, you can do it too!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

dear everyone, hello.

for some moments now, i have escaped the dragging, relentless undertow that has been the sum-total of my last few days of existence. i am, as of this dispatch, either in a window or beginning to stabilize. i will take either of these scenarios with equal gratitude. i will not take this time for granted, nor waste a millisecond of it.

i won't drag out my symptom list or get into any sort of heavy description of what i've endured right now. you've all been here to varying degrees, we share and weather these assaults against our minds and bodies with whatever we can call up when under heavy fire. sometimes it seems like we don't have any petrol left in the tank. yet somehow, we do move forward. and it's why we continue to come here to accept a hand, while offering another. we've been brought to this space from various beginnings and myriad causes - but by a singular force; that being the temporary damage incurred at the hands of a broken worldwide "mental health care" system and the drugs employed in its uneducated and reckless practice. our misplaced and abused trust.

i try to take away an asset from every situation i encounter - be it a slap in the face or the solution to an algebra equation. a valuable experience i've gleaned from this current period of upheaval is the opportunity to both employ, and accept, the advice and assurance i give as a foxhole comrade and moderator to some of you on this site. i was again personally in a position of questioning whether i truly "know what this is." it is amazing how quickly three years of empirically acquired certainty can begin to evaporate under the force and relative surprise of the all-too-familiar pain-tsunami. when everything ceases to make sense, and each minute drags us into question upon doubt upon next question, patience and trust in any sort of "healing process" is as foreign as extraterrestrial life. with some success, i have been able to remain sure of what plagues me this time around - and of its eventual cessation. i am indeed, as are you, surviving antidepressants. and the ability to remain as certain as i have, even while shaky, is a small but important victory.

everything this week has been hard-won. from lifting my head off the pillow in the morning, to reporting for work. from fighting the nausea to accept nutrition, to refraining from looking up symptoms to see "what else this could be." brushing my teeth has hurt, walking straight while dizzy has been interesting, and the sleep deprivation makes everything seem like the scary boat ride from Gene Wilder's version of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," accept without the yummy chocolate and fizzy lifting drinks.

even if this tiny moment in time is but a flash amidst a broader series of waves coming my way due to my error in tapering, each push to get through every moment has been well-worth this period of calm. it feels very much like the healing i have been accustomed to for quite some while and i hope it will stay for awhile.

again, i can't thank you all enough for offering me your kindness, support, and loving, healing wishes. the hugs don't hurt either. i return them to you with interest accrued. you are an amazing group of humans and the love and support you offer to everyone from the newest member to the longest sufferer attests to your compassion and strength. when someone new comes to the board and questions if this could truly be, so many of you bravely walk forward and say, "yes, this is my story, this is the evidence i have for my suffering, and this is what i am doing to get through." and you will find your way through.

so much love...

hang in there.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Wow, nice post as i am going through either a wave or symptoms of my last tiny drop it was a nice read. Gave me some inspiration as my symptoms are rapidly changing.

Paxil start September 2003 due to Fluoroquinolone adverse reaction that I wish doc. knew what it was. 10mg. most of the time with a few short runs of 20mg. FAST tapered 3 times and finally hit poop out or a reaction to nsaid's in Nov.2013. Started a 10% taper Jan. 2014 and have been ok until Sept 14 and went through a short hell. Now plodding through and looking for the light with unrelenting insomnia and pain, fog, loss of interests....<p>12/20/14 - .8mg.

1/01/15 - .75 mg.

1/15/15 - .42 mg. better sleep now, hope it continues...

2/11-15 - .25 mg. doing really good!! 2 weeks feel 85% of old me!

3/17/15 .14 mg. Knee pain bad!

4/07/15 .05 mg. this is so small now that I am estimating and just licking it off palm small as a "." 

4/13/15 NOTHING !!!! Took my last little micro dose on 4/12/15. 

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Were all in this together !  Some symptoms different , some the same but we all share the same struggle ! thanks for the updates Dave :) 

Was on 30mg (Lexapro) for 7-8yrs20mg for 3 months (This was my choice my Doc wanted me to drop much faster)15 mg 2week10mg 2 weeks 5 mg 1 week0 since August 24th . PPI Dexlant  30 mg taper has begun. Cutting 20% currently.  using zantac as needed.  Benzo is currently 0.10mg 

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Glad you are starting to find stability again Dave it's amazing how things can change so quickly.

Amitriptyline 20mg for 11 months for migraines. 24.11.14 CT from amitriptyline by doctor to swop to Citrolpam as doctor felt side effects of drugs were mental health issues. 12.14 Reinstated back to amitriptyline 2 weeks later after cronic withdrawl. 19.02.2015 Droped from 25mg to 20mg as drugs causing adverse effects of heavy sedation and anestetic propertys.03.03.15 Reduced 18.5mg to try and deal with sedation again. 08.03.15 Reduced to 17.5mg  28.03.15 15.7mg 12.04.15 14.9mg 19.04.15 14.2mg 26.04.15 13.5mg  2.05.15 12.8mg 9.5.15 12.1mg 15.05.15 11.5mg 21.05.15 11.0mg 24.05.15 10.0mg 2.6.15 9.0mg 4.6.15 8.6mg 13.06.15 8.1mg 20.06.15 7.7mg 27.06.15 7.3mg 4.07.15 7.0mg 9.07.15 6.6mg 13.7.15 6.3mg 19.07.15 6.0mg 24.07.15 5.7mg 31.07.15 5.4 8.08.15 4.9mg 15.08.15 4.4mg 22.08.15 4.0mg 29.08.15 3.6mg 06.09.15 3.2mg 13.09.15 2.9mg 21.09.15 2.6mg 28.09.15 2.4mg 05.10.15 2.2mg 12.10.15 2.0mg 22.10.15 1.8mg 26.10.15 1.7mg 2.11.15 1.5mg 9.11.15 1.4mg 16.11.15 1.2mg 23.11.15 1.1mg 10.12.15 1mg 1.1.2016 0.9mg 17.1.2016 0.8mg 01.02.2016 0.7mg 08.02.2016 0.6mg 14.02.2016 0.5mg 21.02.2016 0.4mg 01.03.2016 changed to liquid 1:1 ratio 0.4mg 8.03.2016 0.38mg 15.03.2016 0.36mg 20.03.2016 0.35mg 27.03.2016 0.32mg 08.04.2016 0.29mg 14.04.2016 0.27mg 23.04.2016 0.25mg  30.04.2016 0.23mg 07.05.2016 0.21mg 14.05.2016 0.19mg 28.05.2016 0.17mg 06.06.2016 0.16ml 13.06.2016 0.15ml 20.06.2016 0.14ml 27.06.2016 0.13ml 04.07.2016 0.12ml 11.07.2016 0.11ml 18.07.2016 0.10ml 25.07.2016 0.09ml 01.08.2016 0.08ml 08.08.2016 0.07ml 15.08.2016 0.06ml 22.08.2016 0.05ml 12.08.2016 0.04ml changed to 10:1 ratio 02.09.2016 0.036ml 24.10.2016 0.033ml  14.11.2016 0.030ml 01.01.2017 0.024ml 22.01.2017 0.022mg 12.02.2017 0.020mg 05.03.2017 0.018mg 26.03.2017 0.016mg 17.04.2017 0.014mg 07.05.2015 0.012mg missed few sig updates 09.09.2017 0.005mg missing few sig udates 29.07.2018 0.0001mg 17.02.2019 0.000006mg missed few updates 12.06.2020 0.0000000064mg 27.11.2021 0.0000000048mg 04.2021 0.0000000018mg 19.12.2021 0.00000000025641mg 27.03.2022 0.000000000128205mg 4.7.2022 0.000000000064mg reduced 31.12.2022 unsure exact dose now but know how make it up. Droped by 50% twice from current dose. **See entry in my journey for dose calculation**. Redution Sept 24.2023. Reduction Jan 1.2024

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I just wanted to say hi to you. I have been reading your thread, and you have a way, about you, that draws people to you.  I wish you the best , in your journey, and I'm sure you will get through this latest  hurdle.   Lots of prayers, to you.  

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
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