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☼ Ten0275: I'm Dave and I'm almost there


ten0275

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Echo to alig! Love your posts!

Best wishes.

Drug free Sep. 23 2017

2009 Mar.: lexapro 10mg for headache for 2 weeks.

2009-2012: on and off 1/4 to 1/3 of 10mg

2012 June--2013 Jan,: 1/4-1/3 of 10mg generic, bad jaw pain

2013 Jan-Mar: 10 mg generic. severe jaw and head pain;

2013 Mar--Aug. started tapering (liquid ever since) from 10 to 5 (one step) then gradually down to 2.25 mg by July. first ever panic attack, severe head/jaw pain

2013 Aug.: back to 2.75 mg; Nov: back to Brand Lex. 2.75mg -- 3mg,

2014 June: stopped PPI, head pressure/numbness. up-dosed 4.5mg, severe reaction mental symptoms added on

2014 Aug--2015 Aug: Micro taper down to 3.2mg, .025mg (<1%) cut holding 2-3 weeks.

2015 Aug 15th, Accidental one dose of 4.2mg. worsening brain non-functional, swollen head, body, coma like, DR

2016 Feb., started dosing 10am through 11 pm everyday 2/13--3.2mg, 3/15-- 2.9mg, 4/19-- 2.6mg, 6/26--2.2mg, 7/22 --1.9mg, 8/16--1.8mg,8/31--1.7m g, 9/13--1.6mg, 9/27--1.5mg, 10/8--1.4mg, 10/14--1.3mg, 11/1--1.2mg, 11/29--1.1mg, 12/12--1mg, 12/22--0.9mg

2017: 1/7--0.8mg, 1/15--0.7mg, 1/17--0.6mg, 1/20--0.52, 1/21--0.4mg, 1/22--0.26, 1/23--0.2, 2/13--0.13mg, 2/20--0.06mg, 3/18--0.13mg, 6/1--0.12mg, 7/6--0.1mg, 7/14--0.08mg, 8/17--0.04mg, 8/20--0.03mg, 8/28--0.02mg, 9/6--0.0205mg, 9/8--0.02mg, 9/17--0.015mg, 9/20--0.01mg, 9/21--0.0048mg, 9/22--0.0001mg,

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everyone, hey.

things have been continually difficult, but erratically so. between the moments of intensity, there have been calmer times that have helped me muscle through as i've needed too. this erratic cycling i accept as very good news. i can feel myself re-stabilizing. it is what it felt like when i exited the acute phase of withdrawal and entered the more protracted phase. like the end of a fireworks display, the finale. the symptoms come in rapid fire with little pause and then bursts the last flash just before the exiting BOOM... when silence and stillness occupy the smokey sky where the chaos has just unfolded. leaving the twinkling stars. it feels like this again.

work has been interesting. the neuro-emotions have been intense. the desire to cry has been pervasive. very. the anxiety revs up very high, i feel that urgency to bolt or move, too much energy inside. symptoms of a heavy-headed sort of feeling, like the sides of my head are being squeezed (i've had this in the past). i also have this thing where i want to sign every e-mail, end every phone conversation, and conclude every statement made in a meeting with "i love you." what the heck? i guess there could be worse things, but it would be a bit strange i fear if i said to my boss, "thanks for getting that report written up, i'll run the numbers on that new account, i love you." hmmmm...

anyway, i'm just trying to get through as i can until the solid, more consistent stabilization comes. trying to maintain presence in the moments when the symptoms are running hard and hot and getting as much as humanly possible accomplished in the moments when they are decidedly not. and like always, as the symptoms come, they do go.

i'm trying to pay more attention to them going, as they will for all of us in time.

thank you so much for the loving support, for checking in, for taking the time.

hang in there.

dave
 

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Hey Dave--

 

Hopefully you're having some more windows now and beginning to stabilize.  But if not, don't worry. This is the hardest time. You've made the changes you need to make, and now you just have to "do the time." It's hard to trust that things will get better. Probably all the harder since this is the time of year that your PTSD hits from years ago. Just try to hang in there. Ten minutes, two hours, half a day, one more day, the time will pass and you will improve.

 

You've made a lot of what sound like good changes, to me (updosing slightly, cutting out the intense exercise, and going on a low histamine diet). I would only add that it might be good to maintain some gentle exercise--a slow walk daily or every couple of days if you can, for example. Since you're used to working out hard, try the opposite. Make the challenge be to constantly remind yourself to slow down even as your habits tell you to push. Walk like you're going through molasses. Personally, for me, when I find that I'm feeling any kind of wave of emotional reaction while exercising, I slow right down and move very consciously and slowly until it passes. I interpret it as a sign of excessive cortisol and excessive stimulation, which, for me, are not helpful to my damaged nervous system. So you may try gentle walking and careful self-awareness, and as soon as you feel any ramping up, stop and breathe, then slow down those feet. Basically, pretend like you're 90.

 

Keep us posted about the diet and how that works. Different diets work better for different folks here. I went on the GAPs diet when Gianna was doing it, and that basic low-starch diet is still what works best for me, but it's not great for histamine-sensitive people and she did better on GAPs at first and then worsened until she discovered the histamine connection. The low histamine diet on the other hand sounds like it's got more carbs than would be good for me. So listen to your body.

 

One of the hardest things in withdrawal is when you're suffering, to not do anything drastic and try not to change too much at once. Especially for positive, resourceful, solution-oriented people like you. (And me. I speak from experience. I'm the worst where this is concerned!)

 

I haven't read all the way back through your thread, but I suspect that you may have been headed for a bit of a wave even before the mixup with the syringes and measurement. Lately I've been playing with a concept that I call "fragile stability." People feel pretty stable after holding for a while, but then make even a tiny cut and get hit with symptoms. This will happen over and over. Yet those same people eventually, after holding for many months or even a year, are able to cut again with much less trouble. I suspect there is a lot of subtle healing that needs time, lots of time, to work its way through. Our nervous systems can reach a homeostatic state that's good enough when there are not a lot of extra stressors, but they're not fully healed and are still more fragile at that point than we realize, and can be easily pushed back over the edge. I think that's part of why we get those windows and those waves. I could be wrong but I think that's a pattern that I'm seeing.

 

I sure wish I could see your syringes and experiment with them and figure out what the deal is. I don't have any experience with syringes, as I have always used pipettes and labware for my own measuring. With pipettes, usually the smaller ones are more precise and measure more accurately at tiny doses than a larger one. Frustrating. 

 

Your symptoms sound pretty intense, so I would not be discouraged if it takes a while to stabilize from that condition. Can you take some time off work and reduce your life stress? Giving the nervous system a gentle, calm, nondemanding environment seems to help with the healing and rebalancing. And if you're not sleeping well, trying to push yourself to stay awake all day may not be the best thing for your nervous system. If you can take some time off and just sleep whenever your brain is ready to sleep, without having to conform to an external schedule for a few days, so it can get the healing that sleep brings, that might be something to consider doing. 

 

If you're getting any windows at all, even just for a few hours here or there, that's a good sign. But even if you aren't, you know from the past that you can heal and recover from these setbacks, and I know that you'll recover from this one too. You just have to treat your nervous system very gently. After everything it's been through in the past few years, it may well be more fragile than you realize.

 

It's possible that right now the goal of getting all the way off the mirt might not be the optimal goal to be setting for yourself. You might consider playing around with the idea of leaving that alone (you're on a very low dose now) and instead, letting your brain do the deep, invisible healing that it just hasn't had the chance to do yet, to recover from all the mangling it's gotten over past years. So often I see people just beating their heads against the wall, unable to taper off at those low doses, making tiny cuts and getting hit again and again. I can't help wondering if they're just making things worse. That maybe they need to just quit re-aggravating things for six months or a year and just let everything balance and heal and settle down and make all those changes that the brain needs to make to adapt to that low dose (and, in your case, finish healing from all the mangling it's gotten in the past). 

 

Part of why I think this is because, as I said above, I have seen people just kind of give up on tapering at those low doses for a while, a long time, even a year, and then they try it again and it goes much better. I've also seen what a difference a longer hold makes for me. I usually don't have the patience to do long holds, but when I do I am amazed at how much change I see in my own condition (and I'm always fairly stable even when tapering because I go so slow, so it's always a surprise to me that there's so much more healing that can be done beyond merely "stable.")

 

It's something to think about. It's hard, because it means doing nothing, and again, for the positive and resourceful type of person, doing nothing is way, way harder than doing something. You might consider it though. It's been a long road for me but I've learned that the holds are at least as important as the reductions. Maybe more. 

 

My heart goes out to you. You give so much to so many, here. We all hate to see you suffering. Hang in there. We're with you.

 

EDIT: I apparently wrote all this while you were writing that last post, so I hadn't read it yet while writing this.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

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rhi, hey.

what an immensely thought-provoking, useful, and compassionate post. thank you so much for taking the time to think about my situation and hammer something out to me. it means a great deal, especially as i know you have had some recent struggles as well.

stabilization is occurring - i can feel it, and i am very encouraged. you hit the nail on the head with the PTSD-activation based on my past withdrawal experiences. i can tell you are far too familiar with this yourself. it's something i need to measure and work with, often.

i like what you recommended for the exercise. saturday, i felt able to get into the gym again and did so - albeit moderately. most days however, i have been doing nothing and i don't think that is serving me well. gentle walking and careful self-awareness seem perfectly suited to what i am experiencing now, and i will employ these.

i will definitely keep everyone up-to-speed on the dietary changes. it is too early to tell of course. but what i can tell you is that, without going into great detail, my digestion has improved greatly in a matter of days. my body seems to be assimilating the food in a better way. like you, i do better on high-protein overall. i have some tinkering to do. i've yet to find solid consensus as to whether whey protein is ok for histamine sensitivity, and quality, unadulterated whey has always been a very important part of my protein intake.

"fragile stability" has a very true ring to it. i like that. like, i have most of the pieces glued back together, so the whole looks pretty good, but the adhesive is still curing! i have, and will, give some deep thought to the prospect of a long - like half to full year - hold. this is something i have considered (wrestled with) before. because when i am stable, especially as i had been for so long just a short while ago, it feels absolutely fine. and i know underneath it all, healing is still occurring. one place i always go astray with this is in feeling - after a long period with no cuts and solid stability - the manifestation of what i interpret to be mirtazapine side-effects. they are different from the symptoms of withdrawal as i perceive them. so i often say, "well, this is my body telling me it's time to move forward." but perhaps not. perhaps i actually need to hold through those feelings. perhaps it is a wave in disguise - a different variety of symptoms for a different type of healing. as you know, this can all get very confusing when we try to interpret what our bodies are trying to communicate in the healing process. one other thing that has prompted me in the past to cut is convenience. how american is that!?! :) but seriously - my compounded mirtazapine needs refrigeration, so traveling with it is difficult and power-outages/preventing spoilage is ridiculously tedious. i may need to talk to the pharmacist who compounds for me about a shelf-stable solution.

i very much support the idea of a long hold. i may, as a course of experimentation, do so. doing a very big SOMETHING by doing what appears to be NOTHING sounds zany in concept, but is ever-so-practical. the idea is already growing on me to undertake this hold. you're a good influence, rhi!

if i have time, i may make a youtube video like others have done on here. and i'll show you the syringe differential. it can be like a public service announcement. i'm telling you, it is diabolical. i have had a few other people look at it with me (to ensure it wasn't just crappy measuring on my part!) and all concur that the syringes are not equal.

all right, i must move here. thank you again for your post. the solidarity is warming, the advice is respected and sensible, and the optimism and pragmatism are balanced very much to my liking.

hang in there.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Hi Dave thanks for posting on my thread. You are a real trouper :)

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Hello Dave,

 

I was reading your post.

 

I think we must come from another planet, by you the symptoms come and hurrily go. By me the symptoms come and make themselves only more and more comfortable. I dont know.  It is sad but surely I am happy for you.

 

Martina

05/2013 Lyrica 100 mg / per day for pain + PGAD resulting from caesarian delivery11/2014 started to taper: 50 mg per day/ for one week then c/tafter one month reinstated at 50 mg /per days of 10 July 2015 drug free-

symptoms OCD

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Thanks for stopping by my thread. I hope you've some relief today. Just like you say, hang in there :)

All medications::

Xanax (1995-96), Aropax (1995-96), Mellaril (1997-2000), Efexor (1997-2002), Seroquel (2000-now), Lithium Carbonate (2000-now), Avanza (2002-05), Epilim (2005), Seroquel-XR (2000-now), Zyprexa (2002-14), Raberprazole (2000-now prn), Crestor (2009-15), Gabapentin (2009-12), Lamictal (2010-now), Abilify (2011-now) Lyrica (2012-now), Diazepam (2010-now prn), Saphris (2014), Respiridone (2014), Chlorpromazine (2014) Neulatil (07/2016)

 

Current medications:

Lithium Carbonate 750mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg800mg 04/16, 600mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 200mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 500mg 04/16; Lamictal 250mg 200mg150mg 04/16; Lyrica 300mg; Abilify 20mg 30mg 11/15 Zoloft 25mg 04/16 ceased after a week due to severe suicidal thoughts; Seroquel 25mg prn; Diazepam 40mg CT Jan 2013, 5mg occasionally, (massive med changes in April 2016 due to a hospital admission).

 

SupplementsFish oil 4000mgMagnesium 100mg Niacinamide 1000mgSlippery Elm 800mg , B12 1000mcg, Zinc 50mg, B6 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Calcium 1200mgP5P 100mg, Vitamin C 2000mg, Vitamin E 400IU

 

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Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement. I really appreciate that. I think it's going to be ok.

I hope you're doing well, today and your symptoms settle down.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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rhi, hey.

 

 

 

i like what you recommended for the exercise. saturday, i felt able to get into the gym again and did so - albeit moderately. most days however, i have been doing nothing and i don't think that is serving me well. gentle walking and careful self-awareness seem perfectly suited to what i am experiencing now, and i will employ these.

 

i will definitely keep everyone up-to-speed on the dietary changes. it is too early to tell of course. but what i can tell you is that, without going into great detail, my digestion has improved greatly in a matter of days. my body seems to be assimilating the food in a better way. like you, i do better on high-protein overall. i have some tinkering to do. i've yet to find solid consensus as to whether whey protein is ok for histamine sensitivity, and quality, unadulterated whey has always been a very important part of my protein intake.

 

Dave,

 

I have found daily exercise, often in gentle form, to be a very important part of improved digestion and lessening of  histamine symptoms. When I first started on the diet, I was doing a few minutes of exercise after each meal..not my preferred way of exercising, but it definitely helped. Exercise is one way of improving good bacteria in the gut, which is probably a key point in dealing with histamine.

 

I'm eating a higher protein, low-carb version of the diet. After awhile of researching, I realized that there's a lot of conflicting ideas about what does or doesn't work for people..probably because each person has to find what works for them. The thing is, digestion itself causes more histamine...so it's key finding what you can digest well, not just what's on the lists. I can eat some things that are considered high histamine and not others, that are supposedly "safe".

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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I wish I really 'got' all this diet stuff. I'm glad you're doing a little better :)

All medications::

Xanax (1995-96), Aropax (1995-96), Mellaril (1997-2000), Efexor (1997-2002), Seroquel (2000-now), Lithium Carbonate (2000-now), Avanza (2002-05), Epilim (2005), Seroquel-XR (2000-now), Zyprexa (2002-14), Raberprazole (2000-now prn), Crestor (2009-15), Gabapentin (2009-12), Lamictal (2010-now), Abilify (2011-now) Lyrica (2012-now), Diazepam (2010-now prn), Saphris (2014), Respiridone (2014), Chlorpromazine (2014) Neulatil (07/2016)

 

Current medications:

Lithium Carbonate 750mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg800mg 04/16, 600mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 200mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 500mg 04/16; Lamictal 250mg 200mg150mg 04/16; Lyrica 300mg; Abilify 20mg 30mg 11/15 Zoloft 25mg 04/16 ceased after a week due to severe suicidal thoughts; Seroquel 25mg prn; Diazepam 40mg CT Jan 2013, 5mg occasionally, (massive med changes in April 2016 due to a hospital admission).

 

SupplementsFish oil 4000mgMagnesium 100mg Niacinamide 1000mgSlippery Elm 800mg , B12 1000mcg, Zinc 50mg, B6 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Calcium 1200mgP5P 100mg, Vitamin C 2000mg, Vitamin E 400IU

 

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freespirit, hey.

thank you for the wisdom! i am starting to discover precisely what you have noted: that some foods that are supposedly histamine-safe don't treat me well while others that are considered high histamine i can tolerate. i've sort of settled on treating the myriad food lists as "general guides" upon which to base experimentation (unless it seems like a no-brainer due to past experiences w/ the food in question or off-the-chart histamine propensities). thank you again for giving me some time and helping me learn from your experience.

cali, hi.

thanks for stopping by. i am continuing to have symptoms, but they are truly decreasing almost day-by-day. i have had some hard moments the last few days, but not hard overall days. i got back into the gym again this morning and was careful. i did some walking on the treadmill and some light weights. it felt fairly solid then, and i still feel ok now about 6 hours later. exercise is one of my prime ways of pinging my nervous system to get a status reading. if i am feeling passable, a workout is either going to register real nicely or real badly in the aftermath. i've always interpreted this as being an accurate reading of the stability underlying my perceptible symptoms. today's workout registered as neither awesome, nor horrid in the aftermath.

so i guess i am hanging in there. and will. :)

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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  Hi Dave, I was managing to do 2 "pump" sessions a week , as I have done for many  years, but the last 2 weeks, I just can't seem to get there. 1. Procrastination.  2. No energy.  3.  I'm sort of scared now to ramp up.  The more I learn about W/D, the more I'm scared to do anything, and am just existing in this type of "dream state",  that doesn't seem real.  I hope this makes some sort of sense, to you.  I'm

not sure quite what to do.  I notice you seem to work out a lot.  What are your thoughts, on this?   Sorry, to use your thread as a Q & A,

but didn't know where else to ask you this.    Keep up the good work.     Ali.   

 

P.S.   Pump ( Weight training). 1 hour . ( class to music).  Mucho  fun , usually.  Just not sure, at the moment. 

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Ali, hey.

it makes very much sense to me.

procrastination and lack of energy become unwelcome companions in withdrawal. i mean they are always in the shadows mumbling away anyhow, but we usually have the steadiness and overall fortitude to keep them in their place and get it on.

an approach that worked for getting me back into things was going through all the motions, even if it didn't lead to completion. this happened yesterday as a matter of fact. i didn't want to workout - i not only knew it, i felt it. but i got dressed anyway, went to the gym, got all set up, slipped the ear-buds in, the music roared up, i did 3 curls, and said "to hell with this." bagged the workout, showered, and left. ha! and that was it. but today, despite some feelings of not wanting to do it, i was able to get it going and see it through and it happened like i was hoping. going through the motions at minimum gets you half the way there, and you can take some pride in having just done that bit, even if you don't get your "pump session" on in-full.

in terms of the fear of the ramp-up - understood. completely. and it is a true risk/occurrence. i learned this the hard way early on. a mix of anxiety, depression and akathisia set me running for distances that were not appropriate for someone in such an acute state of pharmaceutical withdrawal. i was usually in these withdrawal-induced semi-manic-like phases when i would go run like heck. but know this. yes, our systems are highly sensitized to sleep patterns, food, supplements, activities, and of course drugs in withdrawal. but i have found that if i push things too far with exertion, it drops me for a very relative amount of time. no lasting or long-term damage in my experience. and from over-doing it i adjust the bar, learn restraint for the next time, and move forward. i understand the fear though and it is a healthy fear.

i think an important thing is to adjust certain expectations - about what we can and need to accomplish. i don't view this as a capitulation to the withdrawal, but rather a flavor of flexibility that is often hard-won. this is the flexibility that allows the needs of our healing selves to gain traction over the way we try to push ourselves. i think most of us are over-achievers in some form or another. this extends well beyond fitness endeavors.

so now it is my turn to hope this makes sense. at the end of the day, our minds come back from withdrawal, our bodies come back from withdrawal. they do. exercising to even a small degree can be beneficial on so many levels, and even help expediate the healing. but moderation, as with most things in life, is essential. i think you have to find your own threshold and hang with it. consistency versus expected intensity can win the day. going through the motions is the equivalent of faking it 'til you make it.

hang in there, and thanks for your kindness and stopping by. chin up!

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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  • Administrator

Thank the deity you seem to be stabilizing, ten.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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  Thanks Dave, you make a lot of sense.  I think you're right in the sense of putting on your shoes etc, and going through the motions of

  "getting there", and by that time with the music etc. you can start to get onto it, even if you didn't feel you could.  Then it's a matter of

   doing what feels right for that day. Some days - good, other days, not so great.  Our minds and bodies come back from withdrawal,

   as you said,   and finding moderation and consistency is important, especially with fluctuating energy levels, and withdrawal symptoms.

   Also adjusting expectations, to fit what is going on , with us on a daily basis, is key. 

 

   Thanks for the thoughts and wisdom,   Ali.  :)

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus
everyone, hello.

 

what an odd and intense few weeks it has been. i had been so out-of-practice the past year or more with day-to-day symptoms that it actually took me a week to realize that i was experiencing windows and waves again as i was stabilizing. which was kind of amusing when it finally dawned on me and i was like, "oh, right! windows of well-being and waves of intensity! i remember this crap!" even while feeling dreadful, i laughed a little at this. i am easily amused these days.

 

in addition to the mistake i made in transitioning from one sized syringe to another, i also discovered that my compounded mirtazapine had an expiration date. um, no kidding? i guess i never really paid attention to that because i always used it up in a timely fashion. however as my dose has gotten smaller and smaller, the bottles have lasted longer and longer. so not only had i made a larger cut than planned w/ the syringe transition error, i also was using expired mirtazapoison which had probably lost some of its kick. i was screwing myself over in more ways than i knew! grrrr... throw in seasonal allergies which came thundering in like a stegosaurus in heat to trample all over my already deranged histamine situation and i had the perfect storm for feeling the real-bad in a major way.

 

so, i got a new bottle of the mirtazapoison, held tight with my dose, hunkered down, cried when i had to, and let it come - ahhh, just like the old days. :(

 

the past week has been better. i've re-introduced a low dose of b vitamin and folate daily with no adverse reactions. i've been able to back off the level of magnesium glycinate i've been taking and even while doing this, i have been sleeping soundly 6 to 8 hours per night with dreams, but not nightmares. i did one day of weight training and did some very relaxed walking out of doors the rest of the week. this is all encouraging. i've had more window periods than wave periods the last week. progress. healing. call it what you may.

 

why it should still seem remarkable to me that my nervous system is so fragile is inexplicable. 3 years out from when this all started, i feel i should know as much. but as i heal, i actually forget how bad it can really get - and i never thought i would. i don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing that i forget. forgetting is actually a poor choice of words. strike that from the record! because i actually don't forget - but perhaps i become unfamiliar with the emotional and physical symptoms' sensations upon manifestation. i suppose this goes with everything in life, right? levels of familiarity? if you are friends with someone on an intimate level, but then go three years without speaking a word to them or seeing them, no matter how close you were, you feel you are meeting a relative stranger. same thing with tyrants like withdrawal i guess. it doesn't take many moments in a wave to become completely familiar with it again, i know you know.

 

i really wanted to take a moment to stop in and give you the rundown. i am at work at the moment, on a break, having a cup of herbal tea, and feeling all right. i need to spend some time catching up on everything going on around here, to see how you all are doing. the last few weeks, i would try to come on the site here. i was triggering so hard when i would read your stories. it was intensifying my own symptoms - i wasn't able to properly digest the information. i think many of you have experienced this too. sometimes we have to be very careful what we are digesting when we are fragile.

 

recent members and veteran members alike, i give you my very best. windows and waves are a reality - even for those of us much further down the path of healing. i am still amazed at the resiliency of the brain and the nervous system. after years of chemical manipulation (in my situation, decades), they are a most flexible and dynamic attribute of our human bodies - gracious in many ways. they seek to return to a state of balance, to carry us through life with the best possible faculties, and ask us only the gentleness, time, and space to do it. and this is where we are fairly begged to step up to the bravery of patience, tenderness, and accuracy in our tapers and in our slow emergence from the pharmaceutical negligence that brought us to our respective places of torment.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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  • Moderator Emeritus

I'm glad that you are feeling better Dave, and loved reading your update, you explained things so well! 

I know what you mean about 'forgetting'. When the waves hit it is like all the windows never existed, this is forever and has been going on forever, windows are distant memories, dulled and foggy. But when a window opens it is real and is the window to end all waves, this is it, the new me emerging from beneath the wave to enjoy life..........till the next never ending wave!   But the waves do pass, always, and the windows get longer, thankfully. 

I hope your window is wide open and stays that way for a long time  :)

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hey Dave, you said:

 

 

conclude every statement made in a meeting with "i love you." what the heck? i guess there could be worse things, but it would be a bit strange i fear if i said to my boss, "thanks for getting that report written up, i'll run the numbers on that new account, i love you." hmmmm...

Oh this is easy, this is the meditation on the fragility of life - and to recognize the sacredness and specialness of that life!  

 

I love you!  (you know what I mean.)

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

 

 

i very much support the idea of a long hold. i may, as a course of experimentation, do so. doing a very big SOMETHING by doing what appears to be NOTHING sounds zany in concept, but is ever-so-practical. the idea is already growing on me to undertake this hold.

 

Holding IS doing something.  Holding is hard work!  It's letting the ego and the plan and the agenda GO, fall away, and just being.  This is especially hard for TypeA Action oriented people - and thus - it is even harder work for them.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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Dave, you wrote: 

 

 

i think an important thing is to adjust certain expectations - about what we can and need to accomplish. 

 

 

BRILLIANT insight!  I will be using this one.  Because so many people beat themselves up for the things they cannot do.  But if they adjust their expectations, and look at what they CAN do, and what FEELS RIGHT to be doing - they are on the right path.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Dave, you wrote:

 

 

recent members and veteran members alike, i give you my very best. 

 

Yes, you do.  Thank you.

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

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Dave, once again, you are like an old friend - comfortable, soothing to my mind and soul, pragmatic, inspirational, warm like a blanket fresh out of the dryer.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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Ha pug

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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I'm glad your feeling better and figured out whats up!

 

Beautiful writing!

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

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Hey Dave-- I'm so glad you got that all sorted and things are setting down.  I have been running into he "forgetting" thing too, lately.  These low doses have decided to be very touchy and are throwing things at me that I haven't felt in a long time.  It takes a couple of days to sort it out, then it is relatively easy to handle.  I think it is one of the brains survival techniques, if you can actually remember how bad things can get then you'd never try anything new or would have real trouble tolerating anything ever again.  By having the "shadow memory" you can understand that you've been in worse positions and made it through without having to relive the intense details.  It's like that for me and pain, after having gone through my "Seven Years of Pain" nothing hurts badly any more.  Actually it can hurt like a son of a but it doesn't matter because I know how bad it can get and that it could have been even worse back then.  But I can't recall the actual intensity of the pain, I can only make abstract comparisons.  This is one of the "good things" to come out of WD, we will know that for the rest of our lives things can never again get as bad as what we have been through already, and that is a very freeing feeling.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Hi Dave,

 

Good to see you back. What struck me most about your post (in addition to your beautiful writing) is the attitude of self-compassion as you ride through both the waves and windows. It seems both humbling and amazing to see the resiliency not only of the body, but of the human spirit. We are both sensitive and strong beyond measure.

 

I hope it's okay to post this on your thread...but when I read what you'd written, I was so reminded of this poem by Naomi Shihab Nye:

 

Kindness

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing
inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and
purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
 

Remeron for depression. Started at 7.5 mg. in 2005. Gradual increases over 8 years, up to 45 mg. in 2012.Began tapering in June 2013. Went from 45 to 30 mg in the first 3-4 months. Held for a couple of months.Started tapering by 3.75 mg every month or 2, with some longer holding periods. Eventually went down to 3.75 mg. about April 2014. Stopped taking Remeron August 2014. Developed issues with histamine a week after stopping--symptoms reduced through diet and a few supplements. Currently having issues with a few foods. Most of the histamine intolerance has resolved or is at least, in remission.

Current Medications:

Current Supplements: Cannabis (CBD and THC), Vitamin C, D, Quercetin, CoQ10, Tart Cherry, Probiotic, Phytoplankton oil, magnesium, Methyl B. What has helped me most: spending time in nature, qi gong, exercise, healthy diet, meditation, IV vitamins, homeopathy, massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, music, and cuddling my cats..

My introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/8459-mirtazapine-withdrawal-freespirit/#entry144282

Please note: I am not a therapist or medical practitioner. Any suggestions offered come solely from my personal experience in recovering from childhood trauma, therapy, and AD use. Please seek appropriate care for yourself.

 

“After a cruel childhood, one must reinvent oneself. Then re-imagine the world.”
Mary Oliver
 

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Wonderful post, Dave. You put things so beautifully and in great perspective. I completely get the not forgetting them, but losing familiarity with waves. It's actually something I'm grateful for.

 

Dave: "i very much support the idea of a long hold. i may, as a course of experimentation, do so. doing a very big SOMETHING by doing what appears to be NOTHING sounds zany in concept, but is ever-so-practical. the idea is already growing on me to undertake this hold."

 

JanCarol: "Holding IS doing something. Holding is hard work! It's letting the ego and the plan and the agenda GO, fall away, and just being. This is especially hard for TypeA Action oriented people - and thus - it is even harder work for them."

 

Ugh! Holding IS doing something and it IS hard. I've been stable and want so badly to decrease again, but Fluoxitine and its longer half-life is sneaky as all get out, so I remain wary, which is helping me continue to hold because I have not forgotten.

 

Keep on keeping on!

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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Hi Dave glad to hear things have settled for you. I was wondering how you have been for while so it's good with the check in.

Amitriptyline 20mg for 11 months for migraines. 24.11.14 CT from amitriptyline by doctor to swop to Citrolpam as doctor felt side effects of drugs were mental health issues. 12.14 Reinstated back to amitriptyline 2 weeks later after cronic withdrawl. 19.02.2015 Droped from 25mg to 20mg as drugs causing adverse effects of heavy sedation and anestetic propertys.03.03.15 Reduced 18.5mg to try and deal with sedation again. 08.03.15 Reduced to 17.5mg  28.03.15 15.7mg 12.04.15 14.9mg 19.04.15 14.2mg 26.04.15 13.5mg  2.05.15 12.8mg 9.5.15 12.1mg 15.05.15 11.5mg 21.05.15 11.0mg 24.05.15 10.0mg 2.6.15 9.0mg 4.6.15 8.6mg 13.06.15 8.1mg 20.06.15 7.7mg 27.06.15 7.3mg 4.07.15 7.0mg 9.07.15 6.6mg 13.7.15 6.3mg 19.07.15 6.0mg 24.07.15 5.7mg 31.07.15 5.4 8.08.15 4.9mg 15.08.15 4.4mg 22.08.15 4.0mg 29.08.15 3.6mg 06.09.15 3.2mg 13.09.15 2.9mg 21.09.15 2.6mg 28.09.15 2.4mg 05.10.15 2.2mg 12.10.15 2.0mg 22.10.15 1.8mg 26.10.15 1.7mg 2.11.15 1.5mg 9.11.15 1.4mg 16.11.15 1.2mg 23.11.15 1.1mg 10.12.15 1mg 1.1.2016 0.9mg 17.1.2016 0.8mg 01.02.2016 0.7mg 08.02.2016 0.6mg 14.02.2016 0.5mg 21.02.2016 0.4mg 01.03.2016 changed to liquid 1:1 ratio 0.4mg 8.03.2016 0.38mg 15.03.2016 0.36mg 20.03.2016 0.35mg 27.03.2016 0.32mg 08.04.2016 0.29mg 14.04.2016 0.27mg 23.04.2016 0.25mg  30.04.2016 0.23mg 07.05.2016 0.21mg 14.05.2016 0.19mg 28.05.2016 0.17mg 06.06.2016 0.16ml 13.06.2016 0.15ml 20.06.2016 0.14ml 27.06.2016 0.13ml 04.07.2016 0.12ml 11.07.2016 0.11ml 18.07.2016 0.10ml 25.07.2016 0.09ml 01.08.2016 0.08ml 08.08.2016 0.07ml 15.08.2016 0.06ml 22.08.2016 0.05ml 12.08.2016 0.04ml changed to 10:1 ratio 02.09.2016 0.036ml 24.10.2016 0.033ml  14.11.2016 0.030ml 01.01.2017 0.024ml 22.01.2017 0.022mg 12.02.2017 0.020mg 05.03.2017 0.018mg 26.03.2017 0.016mg 17.04.2017 0.014mg 07.05.2015 0.012mg missed few sig updates 09.09.2017 0.005mg missing few sig udates 29.07.2018 0.0001mg 17.02.2019 0.000006mg missed few updates 12.06.2020 0.0000000064mg 27.11.2021 0.0000000048mg 04.2021 0.0000000018mg 19.12.2021 0.00000000025641mg 27.03.2022 0.000000000128205mg 4.7.2022 0.000000000064mg reduced 31.12.2022 unsure exact dose now but know how make it up. Droped by 50% twice from current dose. **See entry in my journey for dose calculation**. Redution Sept 24.2023. Reduction Jan 1.2024

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  • Administrator

So very good to hear you're doing better, Dave.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Im so glad that you are doing better. I was worried about you, so I'm glad you posted :)

All medications::

Xanax (1995-96), Aropax (1995-96), Mellaril (1997-2000), Efexor (1997-2002), Seroquel (2000-now), Lithium Carbonate (2000-now), Avanza (2002-05), Epilim (2005), Seroquel-XR (2000-now), Zyprexa (2002-14), Raberprazole (2000-now prn), Crestor (2009-15), Gabapentin (2009-12), Lamictal (2010-now), Abilify (2011-now) Lyrica (2012-now), Diazepam (2010-now prn), Saphris (2014), Respiridone (2014), Chlorpromazine (2014) Neulatil (07/2016)

 

Current medications:

Lithium Carbonate 750mg; Seroquel-XR 600mg800mg 04/16, 600mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 200mg 04/16, 400mg 04/16, 500mg 04/16; Lamictal 250mg 200mg150mg 04/16; Lyrica 300mg; Abilify 20mg 30mg 11/15 Zoloft 25mg 04/16 ceased after a week due to severe suicidal thoughts; Seroquel 25mg prn; Diazepam 40mg CT Jan 2013, 5mg occasionally, (massive med changes in April 2016 due to a hospital admission).

 

SupplementsFish oil 4000mgMagnesium 100mg Niacinamide 1000mgSlippery Elm 800mg , B12 1000mcg, Zinc 50mg, B6 100mg, Vitamin D 2000IU, Calcium 1200mgP5P 100mg, Vitamin C 2000mg, Vitamin E 400IU

 

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  • Moderator Emeritus
everyone, hey.

 

thank you for all of the kindness and warmth, it means a great deal. i think about you when i struggle. that's not to say i don't think about you when i don't struggle. but when i am in the further depths and the pain is laying into me hardcore, i ponder you all intensely - and there is solidarity. metaphorically, it's like running my mind over each bead of a mala or rosary. each bead, each of your journeys, is a testament to the very real damage of psychotropic medications - but moreover the resiliency of your vast human spirits when faced with utter physical and psychological horror. no matter where you fall on the healing curve, i know so many of you have survived nights blinking in the semi-darkness through tortured, hollow-strained eyes. i know you've found mornings without the will to arise from your place of repose. you've seen your physical bodies enlarge or wither. i know you're well acquainted with the smell of your own fear-spiked sweat and the saline taste of your depression-driven tears. you've teetered dizzily through the streets and stores. you've walked around out in the world and felt that groundless confusion as to how you got to such a place of merely existing and wondering how you'll ever manage to escape its labyrinth. you've wore smiles on your faces when smiling was not the intuitive, but rather the opposite. compounding these issues are the many around us, professional and personal alike, who simply can't understand, or else refuse to even attempt. but misunderstanding as they may, these trials bring us - those experiencing - to a common mountainside with the drive to ascend. while our personally held conceptions of "normal" surely differ, our perseverance to reach our personal homeostasis is the same.

 

this weekend was fairly solid. still windows and waves, but they are more mild and manageable. yesterday, i felt over-driven. i had to wipe out my plans for the afternoon and climb into bed. i dragged some reading material and a notebook in with me and spent a span of time journaling and also reading. taking myself out of circulation was the correct thing to do. and in doing so, the engines started to cool, i slipped from overdrive into slightly more than an idle, and regained my grip - which has become the grip of no grip. if that makes sense. finding footing in the groundlessness of all of this.

 

the journal is necessary for me. i implore it to listen to me and to my great appreciation, it always does. the act of doing it with a pen and paper, the "old-fashioned way," has a relaxing quality that seems eerily antiquated. withdrawal is a key feature in these scribblings of course. pages literally groan under the weight of the pain-words. i don't have to hold back even a bit in between the two covers of my notebook. i bombard the pages with my fears, hopes, agonies, pleasures, and random blobs of ink and sketches as i see fit. and each blank new page invites more. ahhh, the unconditional receptacle of my innermosts. if you don't already chronicle your lives in this way, i heartily recommend it. i journal everything from what i eat to what activities i do to how i feel. and i can look back and figure out, with relative ease, if that piece of buttercream-frosted cake really WAS the beginning of my latest round of symptoms. :)

 

more than ever i am convinced that in withdrawal, time is the great equalizer - the great healer. we can try to rush things on several fronts, but at the end of the day there is a time-debt to be paid. and if we don't pay it on one end, it is surely going to come around to collect on the other. it takes a whole lot of patience and sacrifice - hard-won - to push forward in this way. it's hard to watch the world live while we're on pause. to look around and perceive that a great activity has commenced and i am held firm to the parameter of it. the range of emotions that have affected me as i've sat on the sidelines while others have pushed on have ran the gamut from anger and disgust at my own situation to flat out jealousy that i can't do it all. these emotions seem to strike at the most vulnerable places in my sense of self. i feel great happiness when i see others excel, but would be remiss if i didn't acknowledge the pain in watching them do so. 

 

i think as humans we're all keenly aware that we are living within finite days anyway and forced down-time seems like a true and utter loss. on some levels, it is. but then this process, at least in my private self-negotiations, IS life. it is living. it is as if we've been conscripted for the last three years as soldiers in a battle that we did not sign on for. and what do soldiers do when this happens? they put in 100% by necessity, whatever 100% may be to them, to keep their posteriors intact with the notion that one day they'll return to the peace and tranquility they left behind when a fight they didn't start took them elsewhere. please push forward, you have a lot of comrades here in your foxhole. there are a lot of success-stories in the making within the pages of our community - between the lines of anguish.

 

i need to get back to work, but i wanted to check in. thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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Bless you Dave, again. You are a messenger from God Himself.

January 2012 - Prescribed 900mg gabapentin and 30mg Norco for lower lumber spinal stenosis pain.

September 2013 - Spinal fusion surgery, 6 levels. Hospital ramped up meds 1500mg gabapentin, 100mg Norco, 80mg Oxycontin, 25mg Fentanyl patch.

January 2014 - Sever nausea daily and with back pain every 4 hours. 2 trips to ER. First endoscopy found ulcer. Treated with Sucralfate and PPI. Second endo in May found no ulcers. Doctors said it was the opiates causing the nausea. CT'd Oxycontin, Fentanyl patch.

July 2014 - Lost 48 lbs. due to not eating because of severe nausea. GP prescribed Prozac 20mg and Ativan 2mg prn. Tried for 4 days, quit. Two week followup GP said keep taking Prozac. 4 days, quit again. Ativan taken rarely prn for anxiety and appetite.

August 2014 - Went to detox. Off opiates. Still nauseous, helmet head, drugged feeling. Doctor CT'd gabapentin. Ended up in ER. Found 2 gallstones. Gabapentin reinstated at 900mg. Tried botched up and down taper to get off Gabapentin. No tapering advice from doctor. Said to just CT again.

September 2014 - Coded on table during gallbladder surgery. Developed liver biloma due to CPR by doctor. Had bile bulb inserted for 2 wks to drain.

October 2014 - Gallbladder removed. Still nauseous, 3am cortisol surging, drugged helmet head, vertigo, breathlessness, whooshing head, heart palps.

November 8th, 2014 - CT'd gabapentin suggested by family and 4 different doctors. Was told no withdrawal is associated with gabapentin. Have been in hell ever since. No windows, just one big tsunami every day with same symptoms for 4 months.

December 26, 2014 - Found SA. At least I know I'm not insane. My family thinks I'm doing this to myself. Akathesia has become unbearable.

March 10, 2015 - In absolute daily hell with no relief. Currently taking magnesium 200mg before bedtime.

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Dave, thank you for articulating so eloquently what so many of us feel and experience but are unable to fully express. Your expressions validate and uplift each one of us, and shine a light into our little corners of the world. And we soldier on, knowing that we are not alone in this struggle. Take care and keep on keepin' on...

2005-2009, Lexapro 10 - 20 mg, CT WD w/severe depression and anxiety:  2010-2015, Paxil, 30 - 40 mg, tapered off at 10 mg/week, moderate anxiety and depression:  2010-2015, Clonozapam 0.25 mg, as needed for anxiety and sleep:  1/10/2015, Zoloft 25 mg, tried to increase to 50 and 75, but nausea and dizziness:  2/13/2015, Paxil 5 mg, added back after 2 weeks at zero to reduce WD:  2/28/2015, Paxil 10 mg, increased from 5 mg to reduce WD, HOLDING:  3/04/2015, Zoloft discontinued (reduced to ~12.5 mg on 2/19, ~6.25 mg on 2/26, then zero):  4/26/2015, Paxil starting 10% taper (no scale so was inadvertently at 20% taper, yikes!):  4/30/2015, Paxil 10 mg, reinstated (WD disappeared between August 2015 and May 2016)

5/02/2016, Started 10% taper, reinstated to 10 mg on 5/11/16:  4/29/2017, Last dose of Paxil (working with holistic psychiatrist, lots of supplements to aid WD):  Primary symptoms: apathy, demotivation, anhedonia, fatigue, stress intolerance, moderate social anxiety

7/1/2018 Finally feeling like myself again, success!!! Praise God! Even with the stress of relocating recently, I am feeling pretty good most of the time now. Granted, I eat healthy, I exercise, I don't drink caffeine or alcohol and I try hard find a healthy balance of quiet and social times. Hang in there and keep the faith, you can do it too!

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Amen Pugknows!

2005-2009, Lexapro 10 - 20 mg, CT WD w/severe depression and anxiety:  2010-2015, Paxil, 30 - 40 mg, tapered off at 10 mg/week, moderate anxiety and depression:  2010-2015, Clonozapam 0.25 mg, as needed for anxiety and sleep:  1/10/2015, Zoloft 25 mg, tried to increase to 50 and 75, but nausea and dizziness:  2/13/2015, Paxil 5 mg, added back after 2 weeks at zero to reduce WD:  2/28/2015, Paxil 10 mg, increased from 5 mg to reduce WD, HOLDING:  3/04/2015, Zoloft discontinued (reduced to ~12.5 mg on 2/19, ~6.25 mg on 2/26, then zero):  4/26/2015, Paxil starting 10% taper (no scale so was inadvertently at 20% taper, yikes!):  4/30/2015, Paxil 10 mg, reinstated (WD disappeared between August 2015 and May 2016)

5/02/2016, Started 10% taper, reinstated to 10 mg on 5/11/16:  4/29/2017, Last dose of Paxil (working with holistic psychiatrist, lots of supplements to aid WD):  Primary symptoms: apathy, demotivation, anhedonia, fatigue, stress intolerance, moderate social anxiety

7/1/2018 Finally feeling like myself again, success!!! Praise God! Even with the stress of relocating recently, I am feeling pretty good most of the time now. Granted, I eat healthy, I exercise, I don't drink caffeine or alcohol and I try hard find a healthy balance of quiet and social times. Hang in there and keep the faith, you can do it too!

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  • 2 weeks later...

 Thanks  Dave.

Many SSRI's and SSNRI's over 20 years. Zoloft for 7 years followed by Effexor, Lexapro, Prozac, Cymbalta, Celexa, Pristiq, Valdoxan, Mianserin and more - on and off. No tapering. Cold turkey off Valdoxan - end of May 2014

 

                                                  Psych Drug - free since May 2014
.
         

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  • Moderator Emeritus

everyone, hi.

it has been awhile since i updated my thread here, so i thought i would take a few moments to touch base, have you read my pulse, say hello, and let you all know what is happening.

my lack of dispatches has been a no-news is good-news kind of scenario. work has been insanely busy, but good things have been afoot. the windows and waves that were at once brutal and frequent, as a result of my syringe error in cutting, have abated. they are gone. it is all window again, like it had been for so long before. if there ever was a poster-child for why we need to really, REALLY be careful with the cuts, i volunteer my blockhead for the mugshot. :)

i have been extraordinarily careful with my diet and have maintained a much lower-histamine eating regimen. i think i have seen positive results. my diet at this point is essentially unrefined meats (poultry, lean beef, fish), rice, potatoes, and daily protein shakes that use coconut milk and whey protein. in addition to the whey, i have been adding hemp protein to the shakes and feel i have noticed benefits from the extra omegas. i don't need the magnesium at this point, so have stopped supplementing it. i feel comfortable with the food. it is a little boring, but i've adjusted to it and have lowered my expectations for the enticement-quality of food, viewing eating now as a means to fuel my recovery.

i've been back in the gym, every other day. on my off days, i walk at a reasonable pace while zoning out with my iPod. in the gym, i am doing weights. i've decreased the actual weight i lift, but have added extra repetitions and sets. i feel good again after the gym, no more revving as was occurring when i was symptomatic.

perhaps most significantly, after much pondering, i have come to fully embrace rhi's idea of "fragile stability." i believe i truly am fragily (not a word, i know) stable at this point. as a result, i am planning to hold - where i am - for a very long time. when i first began tapering the mirtazapine, my final drug, i had told myself i would be done with the taper no later than 12/12/2013. that didn't even come close to working out. so then i said, 12/12/2014. again, i was essentially setting "fail dates" instead of "success dates." i am proud to announce that my new date for being completely off mirtazapoison is - DRUM ROLL PLEASE - indeterminate. in other words, whatever month/whatever day/whatever year. that is when i'll be done. the way i feel now, i can deal. and although it makes me squirm to plunge 2mg of psychotropic poison down my throat each night, i am living, interacting, and getting things done.

it is sobering to look back and see where i was three years ago today. it is 8:40am here. i'd likely already called my doctor in a panic, left a message asking her to return my call ASAP and explain what was happening to me, and begging for a same-day appointment. every piece of food i ate caused my stomach to cramp and twist and literally put me in fetal position. i was so dizzy, the deck of an 18th century ship in a tropical storm would have seemed placid in comparison. i'd lost about 20lbs of weight that i needed. i was paranoid, agoraphobic, hallow-eyed, and in a constant state of high-level panic. the intrusive thoughts hadn't kicked in yet, but they were not far off. hospitalization hadn't happened yet, but it was not far off. complete obliteration of my life as i knew it hadn't happened yet, but it was not far off. damn...

i never imagined today at that time. never. couldn't even see it as a remote chance. the number of times i thought of throwing in the towel and either taking more drugs or taking my crap life out of the equation were too many to count. if i had made either of those choices, i would have missed my second chance at living. i would have missed that quiet sound of new spring insects i heard as i left my house early this morning. i would have missed that amazing hendrix guitar solo on "voodoo child" i heard for the 143rd time on my ride in this morning, it still sounds good. i would have missed the gym. i would have missed all the people who smiled and said "good morning," and would have also missed the chance to return those greetings. i am telling you without exaggeration - i take ZERO for granted now. ZERO. every second is a fraction of this human life that i didn't anticipate living - when i was in hell.

i'm not done yet, but i am in this to the end. with you.

hang in there everyone. i love this community and am ever so grateful for having the resource, guidance, inspiration, and tender loving compassion.

dave

1996 - .5mg Ativan as needed, 7.5mg Remeron daily2008 - .5mg Xanax, Ativan discontinued, Remeron continued2012 - .5mg Xanax, .25mg Ativan 3x daily, Remeron continued2/2012 - Jumped from Remeron, continued .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily4/2012 - Began rapid taper of .5mg Xanax .25mg Ativan 3x daily6/2012 - Jumped from Xanax and Ativan, voluntary hospitalization followed7/2012 - 2nd voluntary hospitalization, reinstated Remeron, bumped to 30mg, also given risperidone.8/2012 - discontinued risperidone, tried gabapentin, dicontinued gabapentin, Remeron 30mg continued10/2012 to current - tapered Remeron 10% every 4 to 6 weeks (sometimes more time) using liquid compound12/2014 - 2mg Remeron 1/16/2015 - 1.9mg Remeron 8/1/2015 -1.6mg Remeron - 03/1/2016 - 1.5mg Remeron - 1/2/2017 1.3mg - 5/7/2017 1.2mg - 5/13/2017 - syringe size change - 6/8/2017 - 1.1mg - 7/10/2017 - 1mg - 9/1/2017 - 0.9mg - 10/22/2017 - 0.8mg - 11/22/2017 - 0.7mg - 2/2/2018 - 0.6mg - 3/13/2018 - new compound pharmacy - 5/20/2018 - 0.5mg - 8/31/2018 - 0.4mg - 11/16/2018 - 0.3mg - 12/24/2018 - 0.2mg - 4/1/2019 - 0.1mg - 5/1/2019 - .05mg - 0mg achieved 2019-06-15. 🤞

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