Songbird: a little about me

[brassmonkey]

Hi Songbird--  I can identify sooo much.  It's not just being tired from exertion, it's a deep down inner core fatigue that nothing seems to touch.  I do find that I don't have the general stamina I use to also.  My fatigue has been there for my entire taper but really seemed to kick up when I broke below 3mgs. Now that I'm below 1mg I want to say that it's improving.  Now it seems to be more an all or nothing sort of wave instead of a constant thing. The more things life throws at me the harder it kicks up too, like my inner being  is getting totally sapped for reserves.  I find chakra tuning and drawing earth energy can help, but even those seen like a lot of work at times.  Not to be totally downer about it, life has been throwing a lot at me lately, and will be for a while, but even with the fatigue I'm handling things better that I would have just a few months ago.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))

[Songbird]

Thanks, Ali.  Yes, the fatigue would be a lot more difficult for me in a regular job.  One upside of my part-time job is that I can do some of my work from home with flexible hours.  Some of it I have to be there at certain times and be "on" for three or four hours at a time, but I've been coping with that, as long as I get enough rest at other times.  It must be difficult for people working full-time in demanding jobs.  I don't think I'd be able to cope with my old job now.  It's tough being poor, but I wouldn't want to go back.  Although I find the fatigue annoying and frustrating, I would take it over akathisia or severe anxiety or depression any day.  Also, I am pleased to be able to get to sleep eventually, and get very good sleep.

 

The drop might be beginning to show up a bit - I felt a bit shaky this morning with some anxiety, but it was pretty mild.

[Songbird]

I've just noticed that my signature has become longer than my actual posts, because I've been tapering for so many years.   I've already taken out all the drops I did each year and just put the dose at the start and end of each year.  I'm going to try and get it onto fewer lines.

 

Done!

[Fresh]

Hello Songbird ,   I love reading your posts and have been looking for an opportunity to pop in and say HI.

 

Nice sig. format , just one question:  Is it Loxamine (i.e. paroexetine i.e. paxil) that you're tapering?

 

[nz11]

 This isn't fatigue as in just feeling tired, I feel wiped out and have to lie down.  It is making it difficult to get things done.  I'm also finding it difficult to get to sleep some nights, but once I get to sleep I tend to sleep very well.

This is definitely wdl i agree with Alig.

I suffered this and still am but for the first 4 years it was like at times during the day, my whole body just shut down and i would have to lie down and would go into a deep sleep.

 

It was such that i literally didnt have the strength to get up. And this was like mid day.  I have described it as feeling like being nailed to my bed.

 

I was scared that if i made an arrangement for a certain time i would oversleep and turn up late and i did, often.

[Songbird]

just one question:  Is it Loxamine (i.e. paroexetine i.e. paxil) that you're tapering?

 

 Hi, Fresh!  Yes it is Loxamine (the generic brand of paroxetine that Pharmac switched to from Aropax).

 

This is definitely wdl i agree with Alig.

I suffered this and still am but for the first 4 years it was like at times during the day, my whole body just shut down and i would have to lie down and would go into a deep sleep.

 

It was such that i literally didnt have the strength to get up. And this was like mid day.  I have described it as feeling like being nailed to my bed.

 

I was scared that if i made an arrangement for a certain time i would oversleep and turn up late and i did, often.

 

Wow, it sounds like you had a very severe form.  I do have the strength to get up, and I can fight the urge to lie down if I really have to.  Like today, when I had a student coming at 4 p.m. and I really wanted to lie down at 3 p.m. and I fought through it by doing some easy things like putting a load of laundry on.  But yes, sometimes I do go into a very deep sleep for several hours.

[grandmaD]

I am wondering whether anyone else has experienced a lot of fatigue in this dose range. 

Have you experienced fatigue before during w/d or just now?

 

Is it hot over there?  I find the heat makes me heaps worse in that area.

[grandmaD]

Yes, I am currently taking 1.3mg just before breakfast, and 1.3mg just before dinner.

I thought this was interesting!  How long have you been splitting your dose?  What made you decide to do it?  Does it make any difference?

[Songbird]

I think I started splitting it at 10mg.

[grandmaD]

 What made you decide to split the dose?  Did you notice any change?  Do you think it helps?

[Songbird]

I didn't notice any difference, but did it to try to prevent potential problems as dose got lower.

[Songbird]

I'm having a very rough week.  My small part-time low-paid job has been cut down to a few measly hours and I'm feeling rather screwed over by management.  We can barely make ends meet as it is.  The stress has triggered a bad wave and I've had anxiety attacks, crying attacks, depression and mood swings all week.  I'm really angry and feel like a complete failure.  My attempted career change has been a disaster, and now I'm stuck unable to go forward or back.  I used to have a good salary but was bitter and burnt out.  I was looking forward to a change in direction but it just hasn't worked.  I spent three years applying for jobs unsuccessfully.  Now I can't even pay the basic bills.  It's like all my issues are coming home to roost.  I keep hoping the universe has some kind of plan for me because I feel totally lost.

[Rain]

Hi Songbird,

 

Sorry to hear about your situations... I lost my job because I had too many sick leaves and unpaid leaves, I feel upset either. But I think no one has a smooth career in their entire life. I decided to find another job next month to start a new life. 

 

I always tell myself, life is just a game, don't be so serious on it. Doing a job is just a part of it, take it easy, try your best, that's it. 

 

I believe you can get better.

[AliG]

Songbird.     I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone into a wave .  I can empathize with your anger. I have it too . It's not your fault . You are just dealing with the " fallout" of this chemical experiment that has been perpetrated on us by Doctors and " Big Pharma " .  I think feeling lost , is part of the process of actually finding yourself . You have to search harder & wider , particularly given what these drugs have taken from us. It takes work and perseverance  However,  I'm sure you will get there.

Hugs ,

Ali

[grandmaD]

We are all standing with you and alongside you, hoping and praying for an answer to your problems.  There is no doubt in my mind that external factors affect the anxiety/depression which is what is happening.  I hope you have people around you that can help out.  We recently visited my son in a crisis and did what we could practically.  We found all the people he owed money to were happy to postpone accounts and/or make payments less for the time being.  That is where you need someone else to ring around and organise this for you as it is very stressful.  We also took him to the Salvation Army who were able to help out with food and so-on on a temporary basis.  This is also where it is good to have someone else as it can be very humbling to have to ask for help, especially when you have been self-sufficient in the past.  Just remember, it is a crisis.  Wishing you all the best that this sorts out and you find some emotional and mental relief.   and a hug too.

[Songbird]

Thanks, everyone!  I'm feeling mostly okay this afternoon, but the mood swings are quite incredible.  I woke up at 5 a.m. with anxiety attacks for hours and feeling totally despondent, with endless negative rumination.  I was even feeling some anxiety while I was trying to work today, but felt better by home-time.  I've pulled out my coping skills and resources that I've found useful in the past and they are helping me again now.  I did my relaxing yoga DVD this morning - the one which saved me during my big crash - it was kind of like seeing an old friend again.  Lots of positive self-talk and affirmations, trying to not let the doomcloud take control (or if it does, get it back quickly).  Rationally I can see that this is not a disaster - well, not at the moment - but the doomcloud jumps straight to worst case scenarios.  I'm going to try to make a big effort to calm my system down and I'm sure I'll start feeling a lot better.

 

GrandmaD, you made me feel great with your comment about my SA friends standing around me and supporting me.  I'm very grateful to have friends here who understand what is going on and give me encouragement. 

 

I'm off to get a cup of tea and maybe read a book for a while and try to relax.

[ladybug]

I'm glad you are feeling a little better, Songbird. Thinking of you and sending good energy your way.

[brassmonkey]

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Songbird]

Thanks, Brassmonkey and Ladybug, and Ali and Rain, for your encouragement.  It means a huge amount to me!

[Rain]

Thanks, Brassmonkey and Ladybug, and Ali and Rain, for your encouragement.  It means a huge amount to me!

 

Songbird, we are always together now! 

[grandmaD]

I guess we will all be stronger for it as we increase our ability to cope with things.  I woke 5 times again last night and then at 5am and like you, began thinking, it is so hard to turn off the brain that wants to focus on a particular problem (for me, it is my son).  I have started having an extra mid-morning relaxation/breathing exercise rest and found it to be very helpful. 

 

I also just finished  another book!  I am just amazed that I can read again as I can still remember vividly when I couldn't read a line in a book.  It was written in 1953 about a man who had was a prisoner of war by the communists and his experiences - and I was blown away by the similar reactions and experiences that I encountered throughout withdrawal!

 

How are you doing today?

[Songbird]

Been having a rough time lately with anxiety and insomnia.  It was settling down, then I had a steroid injection in my shoulder joint, and that flared it all up again.  It's been great for my shoulder, but terrible for my nervous system.  Things were beginning to settle down again, then yesterday I started job searching, and that seems to have stirred it up again.  I was okay during the day, but then couldn't sleep, got about 2 hours between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., then lay awake having anxiety attacks, all the worry and anxiety going round and round in my head.  I just seem to have no resilience these days, I feel really fragile.

[LexAnger]

So sorry songbird that you had to take the steroid and that triggered your CNS negatively. It will settle down gradually, just like each time I take a pain killer I will have scary tension headache but eventually it subsides. I hope you can take a break for your system calms down before job hunting as that lone can be huge stressor.

 

I feel very sorry for lol of us who re going through this but still need to strive to make a living.

 

Hugs,

Lex

[Songbird]

Thank you, Lex.  Yes, I wanted to feel stronger before job-hunting, and I thought I was feeling stronger, I didn't realise I would react that badly.  At least these days I have the skills to not get too freaked out by the physical anxiety symptoms.

[nz11]

Hang in there songbird.

Congratulations on the new drop to 2.6.

Hope it stabilizes real quick for you.

[ladybug]

Songbird, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. I can definitely relate as I was let go from my job this week in the most unprofessional manner possible. As a result, all my symptoms have ramped up, especially depression. I think it's so unfair that we have to deal with so many other real life stressors when we are barely able to cope with the stress of tapering/WD. It just becomes overwhelming. I know you will make it through this, as you are a rock star when it comes to managing your anxiety. Do you still update your blog? I have found it very informative and helpful myself. I really need to learn to cope better with anxiety and not make it worse by adding the second fear. Sending positive energy your way. ((HUGS))

[grandmaD]

I'm sorry also to hear about your present struggle.  It sure is bad enough coping from week to week with w/d symptoms and I can't imagine how stressful it must be to have to search for work as well and worry about finances.  I sure hope your situation improves soon and will be praying for you.  I especially hope your sleep improves, there is nothing worse than having only 2 hours sleep and then the next day is a write off as well. 

[Songbird]

Thanks, Grandma and Ladybug.  I only manage to update my blog now and then.  I'm trying to write down what I've learned about anxiety in a logical way.  I didn't think anyone actually read it, LOL!  Sorry to hear about your job, Ladybug.  That's really crappy.  At least I still have my job, such as it is.

[Rachelina]

I'm sorry it's been rough, Songbird. You are definitely right about withdrawal greatly lowering our resilience in the face of stress. I've been doing better but the slightest stress can send me right back into the worst of it. I find it helps to think of my nervous system as a newborn baby that I need to really coddle and protect from anything stressful at all. Hopefully that baby will start to grow up and not need so much extra protection, but for now that's what I need. Maybe some coddling right now will help you build strength for the future. Sending you hugs!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Songbird-- sorry to hear that things are still kicking up. It should calm down pretty soon. Last time I interviewed for a job I was just starting into hard core poopout so I was not at my "best" but it ended up being the best job I ever had. A good interviewer can see past a "bad day".

 

It's good to know about the cortisone shot. I'm facing the prospect of getting one for my elbow, but I think I'm really going to think twice before I do.

 

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[Songbird]

Thanks, Brass and Rachelina.  I think if I'd been good and stable when I had the shot it may have had much less impact.  But my system was somewhat sensitised at the time so the shot had a much bigger effect.  That's my theory anyway.  Thanks for all the hugs, you guys.  Coddling does sound nice!  I've been applying for a few jobs, and trying to convince myself that eventually I'll get the right job for me.  Just got to keep trying and never give up, I guess.

[AliG]

Songbird . I think the insomnia , can sometimes just " do you in ". I struggle with it as well , but lately I feel a small, incremental improvement. Symptoms do change, eventually , with time.  I hope that your stresses decrease a little, so that healing can progress. I find anxiety over life changes , can bring on waves. I hope it settles , soon.

Hugs,

Ali

[Songbird]

I find anxiety over life changes , can bring on waves.

 

You said it!  Thanks, Ali.  I took some zopiclone last night, got a pretty good night's sleep and feel a lot better today.  I will be very careful with it - I've used it short-term before to get through rough patches, using the minimum effective dose and tapering it gradually once stable.  I need to be in a better head space to properly make any plans for the future.  A panicky job search is proving to be anxiety-producing and counter-productive.  It's pushing more buttons from old issues, and I'm wondering if life has brought me here to finally confront them.

[grandmaD]

It is good when you can use something at least and get some sleep and be wise about it.  I am doing the same thing with my sleeping table.  I started off using it just once a week but it has been a couple of weeks now and not used it, but time to do it again.  It is good not to feel guilty about it now, and know it is there to use when need be and get a decent rest.

 

I am dropping in to my friends today to say hi and see how you are going today?

[Songbird]

Thanks, GrandmaD!  I am doing a lot better.  System has calmed down a lot, not 100% yet but getting closer.  I used the zopiclone for about a week or maybe two - I didn't actually record it - just half a tablet worked okay.  Sleep gradually improved and I was able to stop the zopiclone and use melatonin and l-theanine, which I'm still using.  The coping skills I learned during previous crashes and bad patches have been invaluable, especially relaxation exercises and positive self-talk.

 

The job search was making me depressed and anxious so I've decided instead to try to grow my music teaching business.  It might be a struggle to earn enough, but music is what I love first and foremost, and it makes me feel better.  I feel more in control than at some employer's mercy, and can run my life the way I want to.  Of course, I have to attract and keep customers, which definitely has its challenges.  I feel like I owe it to myself to give this a really good try and see if I can make it work.

 

I have this weird feeling the universe is somehow orchestrating all of this as an exercise in self-discovery and growth.  I mean, when I'm a blubbering mess because my "inner child" has had all its buttons pushed, it's then I can access all my issues most clearly, as they've been brought up to the surface instead of hidden away.  It's certainly an extremely painful process, so I hope it's all going to be worth it.

[apace41]

Glad to hear of your improvement, SB! That's awesome and especially good to hear that you are finding inner strength from the coping mechanisms you have adopted. Good on ya!

 

Really impressed that you are following your dream and sticking with music. I know it can be hard and daunting but the rewards will be so great when you succeed. You have a strength about you and a concern for others that will come across to potential clients and attract them.

 

The whole concept of "the Universe" working to manifest for you may simply be a way of seeing your inner strength and coming to the conclusion that you are without limits. However you came to where you are I feel good about where you are headed.

 

Keep on your path. It will pay off.

 

Best,

 

Andy