Junior's Journey

[Wildflower0214]

Yes, it's AWFUL.

 

I think I have a hormonal imbalance, but even if I do I can't tolerate anything to help it.

 

I'm down to like 14 food I can eat in the last two months... So have to be very very careful.

 

Glad you got some relief.

[Junior]

A couple of former PP members have accused me of being a hypocrite because I offer support and advice to others going through w/d while still on meds myself.  I have therefore decided to clarify why I've done what I've done for the benefit of those who don't know my past.

 

In going from 13-11mg in my Paxil taper I really threw myself into the lion's den.  I didn't know it until later but this was my difficult dose range and I should have been tapering much  more slowly.

At 11mg I was a mess.  My naturopath diagnosed me with 'reverse T3 sydnrome' which is a form of hypothryoidism not recognised by mainstream medicine.  The normal range for rT3 in Australia  is 170-450.  Mine was 553 (we tested it again a couple of months ago and it is now 419). My main issue was the ever-present and debilitating insomnia along with high levels of cortisol and adrenal activity.  I can remember having to go for brisk walks just to get rid of the adrenaline.  It was insane! The worst of the symptoms lasted for 3 months during which time I did well to get more than 4 hours sleep a night.  I'd wake at 4am, feel the adrenaline and cortisol rising, and just know that I wasn't going to get any more slleep.  Because mainstream medicine doesn't recognise the condition I had no option but to go the herbal route.  Unfortunately it takes about 12 weeks for herbal remedies to kick in.  In desperation I tried Temazepam but they did nothing. At one point I gave in to my GP and tried a low dose of amitryptline - and ONLY because I've been on it in the past and knew I'd have no trouble getting off it.  It gave me about 3 weeks of relief before the sedative effect wore off.  Upping it only gave me a mild case of serotonin syndrome so I had to discontinue. 

(I also had a falling out with some ppl at IAWP (another forum) at that time which forced me to look at the mental illness in my family and its effect on my life.  For the first time I realised why I hate extremism - it's because my mother refused meds when suffering severe depression and the whole family suffered as a result.  I was all of 20, working full time and running the household.  With only my GP for support. Things were very different in 1983.)

 

When things began to settle - and having tried an updose from 11 to 13mg - I found that I just couldn't stabilise.  My sleep, although more manageable, was still very patchy and light.  My moods were beginning to swing and I was getting bouts of agitation, the likes of which I'd never experienced before.  My overall health was poor, I needed to get my hair permed but it was breaking (something I've never had a problem with) and I just .. my cognitive skills were poor.  I could see myself winding up in hospital.

 

I realised that Paxil was just not going to work for me anymore and I that I was going to go have to through w/d from that last 13mg no matter what I did.

If it was just me, I probably would have waited it out - but as former PP'ers already know, I have an adult son who has autism, ADHD and intellectual disability.  (He was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder too but that is another story.) The bottom line is that he needs me.  In my darkest moments during the horrific 3 months mentioned above it was knowing that he needs me that kept me going. I was reorganising my life priorities.  He has always been immensely important but I was also determined to forge my own identity because Dad always used to say that was one of Mum's issues - that she had nothing of her own outside of the family.  So now I was realising that everything I've worked for - the 10 years of study - were not going to end up in me working and using them.

 

So, I switched to Citalopram.  My hope was that it would give me SOME relief from the Paxil w/d; that I would somehow have a 'softer' landing.  At the time I made the decision the plan was to be on it for 1- 2 years.  It's going to be 2.  I'm hoping to start tapering it later in 2015.

 

Acute w/d has been brutal.  My insomnia worsened and after I developed asthma (not a coincidence in my book) I knew I had no choice but to take sleeping tablets long term.  Again, Jason needs me.  He needs me here and functional.

I finally turned the corner a couple of months back - and we think we've finally got Jason stable as well (he is rapid cycling - which means he has mood swings every few weeks) - so I'm hopeful I can look at tapering the Imovane sometime during 2015.

 

It's a long-term strategy. I don't know what the future holds.  I just know that I have to be here for my son. Anything else is secondary.

[Junior]

Forgot to mention:  In November 2013 I realised I was just going to have to find a way to cope with w/d so I decided to go and see a therapist.  Ladybug suggested and I thought it was a great idea.  We did some CBT which helped immensely and after 5 sessions I was able to integrate my learning into the daily grind. 

 

I saw the same psychologist again recently for 3 sessions.  Jason's bipolar diagnosis brought up a strong need to deal with the mental illness of my past and learn how to get past it.  It came up many times on PP and at IAWP before it closed down.  In fact, the disagreements I've with others on whether to take meds or not has helped me to understand that I've lived with and known more severe mental illness than many others I know.  Back in the 1980s no one talked about it so couldn't compare or share with anyone.  I think I am finally at peace with this issue.

[Frustrated]

Wow you have had a rough ride. I completely understand you needing to function for your son. I have two of my 3 kids at home and I have had custody of my now 4 yr old grandaughter since she was 1 and a half. So I raise three kids aged 17, 14,and 4. My eldest daughter has emotional issues and refuses to care for herself or her kids. She hops from friend to friend and others are raising her kids. I only have one. She causes me great stress. Like you though I have to function for the three children that I am responsible for and they deserve the best mom I can possibly be. This is one reason I reinstated a small amount. I applaud you for putting son first and doing what is best for both of you. Bless you and hope this year brings positive changes.

[Junior]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

You have a big load to carry.  Has the RI helped?

[Frustrated]

The ri has helped with the mental stuff like intrusive thoughts but the physical pain is still in high gear. But it is something. Thx for asking.

[Junior]

Any relief is worth its weight in gold.  It is such a difficult process.  Glad the mental stuff has improved.

[Wildflower0214]

What is RI?

[Frustrated]

Reinstatement

[Micromonster]

Just giving the thread a stalk, and was really hoping ri was some wonder therapy or coping mechanism I hadn't heard of. I got all excited then till I found out it was reinstatment!!!

[Frustrated]

Oh dear sorry micromonster.

[brassmonkey]

Happy New Year Junior, I hope you sleep through the entire thing.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[Junior]

Micromonster I really wish I could wave a magic wand and heal everyone.  This is such a horrible thing for us all to go through - esp when we know it could have been avoided.

 

Tom, I went through a bad week with insomnia but guess what?  It was the Telfast I was taking!  As for the New Year, well we didn't get to bed until 1.30am but I did manage to sleep until about 6am, got up and had breakfast, then went back to bed and slept some more.  Not bad.  How was your New Year?  Good I hope.

[Junior]

Just giving the thread a stalk, and was really hoping ri was some wonder therapy or coping mechanism I hadn't heard of. I got all excited then till I found out it was reinstatment!!!

No need to stalk.  Pop in anytime - or lurk.  You are always welcome here

[DLB]

Hey JR. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Nice that u had a little shuteye. I just recently started magnesium again with good results I think. I somehow slept from 1:00 am to 8:30 am. I haven't slept to 8 in prob 25 years. I've always been a morning person no matter what time I go to sleep. I think it is my body possibly trying to heal or I'm just run down.. Now go and find a Reese's peanut butter cup and taste heaven...

[brassmonkey]

I'm so glad you have maybe found the cause.   This stuff is so touchy, one little thing can really throw off the whole works.

 

New Years ends up being the social highlight of the year for us.  Went to the movies and saw "Into the Woods" then headed across town (52 miles) to a small party New Years eve, same friends we have gotten together with for 20 some years so It is nice to reconnect.  Finally got to bed about 4am.  Up by noon to get to another friends open house.  Just walked back in the door, going to cook up a nice steak dinner and settle in to watch the Rose Parade which we recorded earlier.  It can be quite a whirlwind for two days, but it is only once a year.  So far my head has been clear enough to enjoy most of it.  Monica commented that I seemed a bit off at the open house, I was having a bit of trouble making intelligent conversation, and was a bit worn down by the past couple of weeks, but I did have a pretty good time.

[Junior]

i am really getting the feeling I don't belong here.  Might take a break for a few days.  I might also start my own blog.

 

I get email notifications of PMs so I will respond if anyone wants to contact me that way.

[Altostrata]

With the move, some pp folks have gone public with opinions that can cause ill will. You all will have to work it out among yourselves, because we discourage sniping in general and definitely in one's Intro topic.

 

The mods will gently correct any errors of fact regarding tapering and withdrawal, at least as we most humbly understand it.

[Peachdream]

I'm sorry you are feeling that way Junior!  I am just a lurker, much the same as on PP, but really enjoy reading your journal.  I am in a similar position to you in that I feel I have work and child rearing responsibilities that rate somewhat higher than my aversion to drugs/herbs/supplements.    My children are in their early teens and I feel I have so little time left with them and I want to use that wisely rather than showing them an anxious, agoraphobic wreck.  You have big responsibilities with your son and it must be hard to put yourself first often...or ever?!

[Songbird]

I think you do belong here - between us all we have a lot of different AD experiences, and everyone's experience is valid.  Everyone isn't always going to agree on everything, though.  Hope to see you back soon.

[Micromonster]

hope you make it back, your one of my favs xxxxxxxx

[DLB]

hope you make it back, your one of my favs xxxxxxxx

mine too!

[Junior]

I have started a blog - the link is in my sig - and I posted this last night.  Thought I would put a copy here.

 

I have been thinking about a poster at an anti-depressant withdrawal site and how this person feels a strong need to find meaning in her experience. In pondering changing shadows of my ‘self’ throughout the past 2 years, it occurred to me that the depth of my experience this time around has not been as profound as that of the past. Let me explain.

 

The treacherous quest for a baby via IVF took me on a journey of discovery through and to me. At once wanting to solve the question/s of ‘What if IVF never works’, and ‘What if I never have another baby’, yet wanting to hold on to previous spiritual beliefs, I found myself trapped in what felt like a never ending loop; an endless jump on an old vinyl record, with no guide as to how to bump myself out of it. Until I realised the importance of setting aside my need to rework my spiritual beliefs, which would take time, and on focusing on the psychological, the now, the stage / task of my grief that my psyche was ready to grapple with. The result was the powerful unleashing of painful and difficult emotions, yet eventually peace, and a willingness to try IVF again. The spiritual took longer.

 

A psychic experience helped me to regain my lost hope and to mend the tenuous hold I’d had on my spiritual beliefs. I never stopped believing in the spiritual but I gradually began to let go of the binds of the Christian faith I’d been taught. I’d also begun questioning the impact of culture on religion and found the answers I desired while a mature age undergraduate student at Monash University. I let go of man-made religion, preferring to simply believe in spirit guides and the importance of learning life lessons. I’d always believed in reincarnation and this did not change.

About 10 years after resolving my spiritual questions I was thrown into anti-depressant withdrawal hell which forced me to confront aspects of my life and to change direction again. In my formative years I had learned the importance of having an identity outside of my cherished role of wife and mother. As I moved beyond IVF it was even more important to me to forge that identity, although I had not yet been able to marry my vitally important role as a carer with my newly chosen profession of psychology. But in the midst of 2013, unable to sleep for the umpteenth night in a row, forced to abandon my studies, and seriously contemplating an exit from the torturous existence I inhabited, I knew what I had to do. I had to hang on because Jason needs me. It was no longer about me; it was about him.

 

My next challenge was facing the impact of mental illness on my life. This was made evident to me when I had a falling out with some formerly good online buddies over differences in views over medication and in the way Paxil Progress was run. These people had been banned from PP when they had moved over to another newly formed anti-depressant site. Until that point I had been dragged into the ‘anti-drugs’ mood of many at these forums despite my keen desire to promote a better understanding of mental illness. I now knew I could never agree. I also realised, for the first time, the reasons for my hatred of extremism. Watching my mother refuse drugs while in a state of severe depression, and living the disruption of family life as a 20 year old had had a big impact. I just hadn’t realised it until then.

 

From there it wasn’t so hard to switch drugs when it seemed I would not be able to stabilise again on Aropax. My overall health, not just my mental health, was in decline and I could see myself landing in the psych ward. I could not let that happen. Not when Jason needs me. Hence the switch to Cipramil (citalopram). And a referral to a psychologist as I searched for ways to get me through. Some CBT revealed a few things that I needed to work on, in particular my penchant for setting the bar too high for myself. Another life lesson, albeit one that is still in progress!

 

The diagnosis of Jason’s bipolar disorder a few months ago had me wending my way back to the psychologist and simply talking through the many encounters I’ve had with mental illness in the past. I am now able to lay these ghosts to a peaceful resting existence, knowing that whatever the future holds with Jason, it is different to the horrors of the past. This is here and now. He has the support of a very good psychiatrist and two parents who love him dearly. He is not my mother. He is my son. The past is the past and need not return.

 

The past two years have been challenging and have made me rethink my ways of being in the world. My priorities have been re-organised, and I have married the ‘self’ who needed a separate identity to the one who revels in being a wife and mother. Certainly the psychological has been challenged. But this time, my spiritual beliefs have held. Wonder what the next chapter of my life will bring …

[Junior]

Obviously I have been giving a lot of thought to comments that have been made here and events over the past 2 years.  I have decided that I will stay at S/A - with caveats.  Having turned the corner in my own recovery I no longer feel the need to post as frequently.  I am also going to withdraw from much of the discussion due to differing opinions that have caused much angst in the past, and a personal need to move on.

 

The new bar and grill - or whatever it ends up being called - might be worth a look though

[Junior]

 

Je suis Charlie

 

With thanks to Steeley for making me think to post this

[Micromonster]

Xxx just so you know, you can say what you like to me, I'll still love you. Good luck on your journey xxx

[Junior]

Thank you so much. Have been meaning to read your journal and catch up with you.  No time like the present!

[Junior]

Grrrr I hate sleepless nights.  Esp when they come out of the blue.  After 2 nights where I had to push ongoing thoughts out of my head - my brain just wouldn't stop - so I could get to sleep, I thought great, my brain isn't doing that tonight.  Drifted off to sleep just fine but woke 2 hours later.  I might have dozed between 1 and 2am but then nothing until about 5.30-6am.  Hate these nights!!

[Songbird]

I haven't been sleeping well lately either.  My brain wouldn't stop last night, but eventually I slept okay, finally around 2p.m.  Sorry to hear you didn't get much sleep.

[Junior]

The brain not wanting to stop seems to be a common feature of this stuff we call 'w/d'.  Grandma D contacted me the other day and ended up phoning.  It was awesome talking to her.  Anyway, she has the same thing from time.  It's hard because normal things like meditation and mindfulness don't help.

 

Hope your sleep settles soon.

[steeley]

Junior, mate,

 

I just read your post about being called a hypocrite. (Still trying to muddle my way around this site). No, nay never. Do not entertain the thought.

 

It's horses for courses in this game, and we all have to find our own way to get well. Your son has mental illness, as does my daughter (schizophrenia), and I have to be there for her too.

 

Anyone who has not lived with a child with mental illness does not understand the angst and difficulty it poses.

 

We must all learn to be non-judgemental of the ways each of find to get well, and to remain stable. It's a journey for us all, haphazard and unpredictable, but with a common goal in mind. Getting well. That's the important thing, and with whatever it takes.

 

If my 'smilies' worked I'd go 'wub, wub, wub'.

 

as always....steeley

[Junior]

Steeley - thank you so much.  That means a lot to me.

 

It's not 'just' Jason's mental illness though, it's his disabilities ....

[Junior]

Amazing how much of a difference just taking this Astress supplement makes.  That and the occasional use of Neurocalm (said to modulate serotonin and GABA pathways) to help my brain shut off.  I get sleep! Yayyyy!!

[Ever]

Whasis?   Tell us more!....

[Junior]

LOL - naturopathic supplements.  The Astress has various B vitamins and things like magnesium and potassium - all of which strengthen the nervous system, although many people can't tolerate B vitamins during w/d.  I couldn't when I crashed but obviously I can now.  The Neurocalm can only be prescribed by a practitioner but it modulates both serotonin and GABA.  I think that means it helps them to flow better through the brain.

[Ever]

Ooooo Junior!  This is sounding promising!   Woot!