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☼ KittyQ


KittyQ

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Hi...I am another PP refugee joining old friends and new here.

 

I am an unfortunate CT'er, cold turkeyed off 40mg of paxil in mid April of 2009.  I wasn't taking anything else, just the paxil.  I couldn't get an appointment at the clinic where I'd been going for over a week to get my prescription renewed and I couldn't convince anyone there of the dangers of being without the medication for that long.  It was crazy.  I'd never had a problem with appointments like that before.  Surely someone could have written me an emergency prescription....but, NO.  They'd only give me an appointment that was over a week away.  I knew I'd be totally messed up and unable to drive myself there...and I was right.  By the day of the appointment I was unable to go.  I was very fed up about taking something that could cause that kind of reaction and had been for a long time.  I decided I'd just ride it out...figuring it might take a month or two.  Ha, ha....right?   I had no information at that point.  None of the doctors I'd seen had ever mentioned there could be any problems at all.  I didn't find out about tapering until 9 months later and it was way too late to try that by then.

 

So, here I am, quite some years later.  I have improved a lot, but, I still have the windows and waves.  For me, the waves are VERY slowly reducing in intensity.  To me, it seems like I'm going twice as slow as most people seem to.  But, it is getting better.  I'm not in the acute phases anymore, thankfully.  I still have potent anhedonia and being an artist, that is very upsetting to me.  But, I am surviving and doing as much as I can.  I'm glad to see that it's acknowledged that withdrawal can take a long time.  I was afraid to post on PP anymore because I didn't want to be upset by someone thinking I wasn't still recovering.  I KNOW I am....it's the same patterns I've had all along....just decreasing very, very slowly.

 

KittyQ 

 

 

 

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Hi Kitty-- I'm so glad you were able to make it over here, a lot of the gang is here.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Thanks, Brass...and thanks for one of your hugs!

 

 I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate around this site...and I'm feeling really dumb.

 

 

KittyQ

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi KittyQ, welcome to SA. Don't be afraid to post how you feel here, we know protracted withdrawal exists and

is devastating for those who suffer with it. I'm glad to hear that you are improving, it may be slow but you are

going in the right direction and will get better eventually.  :)

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Hi Kitty

 

I am so sorry you didn't post on pp because of your long withdrawal concerns.  That is awful.   And I'm glad we've found this site where they acknowledge that that does happen.   I myself am thrilled to find that I can continue to taper much lower than pp recommended we do, so maybe pp ending will be the best thing that has happened for some of us yes?

 

I'm feeling dumb also trying to navigate around the site lol.   But we'll get there - it's just different.   I also still haven't read many of their stickies and information.   I'm going to do that, but at the moment, I'm still wallowing a bit in the relief of finding all the people I used to depend on at pp here and hearing and absorbing all their stories about pp that I did not know about.   Phew!   I'll get there.  

 

Anyway - good to see you.  XXX :)

Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989.  Recovered.   Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000.   Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero.   Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me.   Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal.   Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever.  Feeling good:).

7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg

28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg

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Wow, It IS a relief to be able to post about my L O N G recovery.  I've missed being involved.  Thanks for all the welcomes.  

 

Along with the anhedonia still messing up my purpose in life, I still have that weird W/D induced angst.  It's reduced from where it use to be, but, it's still very irritating and distracts me from doing things I need to.  But, when it lifts for a little while, it's so weird how it's just "gone".  And.....then it comes back.   But, I am way better than I was....just not back to a normal functioning human yet.

 

I sorely miss being creative, though.  And I use to sing, but, since this w/d, my voice has been messed up and I notice I don't have the lung capacity I did either.  It comes and goes, too.  I  really miss singing.....though.

 

Also, I was without a computer for many months and my typing has really gotten rusty.  I feel like a baby trying to learn how to walk again.

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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just saying hello to my lovely old friend. Wishing you healing and love x

Ct from 60mg Prozac May 2012

Taper from 2.4mg Nitrapepam  for 1 and half yrs.Finally over on Nov 17th 2014

Still in a very bad place :(

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This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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I keep trying to decide what to post on here and I keep coming to the same conclusion...I just don't want to complain anymore.  I don't what to fib either and pretend everything is all okay.  It's way not as bad but it's not okay either.  But, like I said, I don't really want to go into detail about it.   I'm grateful for any support and cheering on from all you guys, new and old friends...it's so necessary!!!!  It's hard to believe our old site was criticizing that sort of thing, but it was.  So, I'm very grateful for this place.  Hopefully, soon, I will be in a better position to help others myself.  

 

Thanks for the suggestions Altostrata...I'll check them out.  

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Hi Kitty! Nice to see you! I have very similar symptoms at this point. Its tiring. Im so ready to move forward,. I like to think that if it can lift once, it can eventually go away. I hope to see you here, i havent posted much. Trying to navigate my way through the new site and a bit overwhelmed by it at this point. Hang in there, at least we can still hang out togther here!

2 Timothy 1-7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Effexor 75mg to 262.5mg 2005-2010 for post partum depression

Started having poop out mid 2010, also switched generic brands, then crashed in Dec 2010 (anxiety/ "terror", intense DR, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chills, insomnia, horrible intrusive thoughts, disorientation, ect)
Rapid "tapered" from 262.5mg Effexor in 3 months

Tried Celexa,Cipralex, then Paxil to deal with wd(this switching made things worse and added akathesia)

Found online support and started tapering Paxil 7 months after quitting Effexor (at this point was having small windows).

Paxil taper: dropped 10% every 4-8 weeks

Year 1 October 2011 to Nov 2012 20mg to 10mg

Year 2 March 2013 to Feb 2014 10mg to 4mg

Year 3 April 2014 to May 2015 4mg to 1.1mg

Year 4 June 2015 1.1mg , dropping by 10% until .5mg, after then dropped by 0.1mg every 5 weeks until 0.1mg.

Finished! Official last dose of 0.1mg on June 15/16

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  • Administrator

"Not as bad as it used to be" is good news. Please let us know how you're doing.

This is not medical advice. Discuss any decisions about your medical care with a knowledgeable medical practitioner.

"It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has surpassed our humanity." -- Albert Einstein

All postings © copyrighted.

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Hi Kitty! Nice to see you! I have very similar symptoms at this point. Its tiring. Im so ready to move forward,. I like to think that if it can lift once, it can eventually go away. I hope to see you here, i havent posted much. Trying to navigate my way through the new site and a bit overwhelmed by it at this point. Hang in there, at least we can still hang out togther here!

HEY aberdeen, glad to see you here.  I'm still stumbling around this site as well.  

 

I was talking to my son a while ago...who is definitely as supportive as he can be even though he can't understand totally how it feels ( I mean, how could he?) and he says I am definitely much better than I was a year ago.  I'm more responsive, ( he says) and the word "better" being relative of course. 

 

 Currently, it's these lousy feelings of self loathing and uselessness that still plague me.  Like there's some little grimlin in my mind that relishes telling me how disgusting I am and insisting on taking every event happening around me in the most negative way possible.  I can't help but wonder how the mind can create that sort of effect.  I go around telling that creepy thing to shut up a lot.  I just have to remember not to say it out loud.  People might think I"m crazy.....  Maybe I am.  It comes and goes in intensity, like all the rest of these symptoms, so, it's got to be part of this w/d.  I certainly was NOT like this before.  I have more times when I'm fairly neutral....not great, but not awful...but, still not ME.  They are happening more often I have to admit.  I've gotten so cynical though, I tend to downplay possible improvements.  Like feeling somehow guilty for feeling hopeful.  I figure that is also part of this stuff as well.

 

 I wonder who I'll be when I grow up....."again"??????

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Hi Kitty,

Welcome from me too.  I'm also in protracted withdrawal from quitting Lexapro too fast in 2010, I made things worse by trying to manage symptoms with other drugs for a couple of years before finding SA.

 

 

 Currently, it's these lousy feelings of self loathing and uselessness that still plague me.  Like there's some little grimlin in my mind that relishes telling me how disgusting I am and insisting on taking every event happening around me in the most negative way possible.
 

 

I experience these feelings often too and sometimes can only see the negative side of everything.  But then they will go away for a few days, leaving me wondering who that person was who was being so self critical.

 

Please feel free to post here on your thread whenever and whatever you like, the good and the bad, whatever helps.  Sometimes we just need to get things out and be heard.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Update....  My main symptoms now are emotional really.  The physical stuff shows up, but, it's not that bad and if that was all I had to deal with, it would be no big deal.   Annoying, but doable.

 

What is kicking my behind now is the emotional stuff.   I have days of fear, then days of anger, then sometimes they are mixed up together.   I'm often paranoid, feel greatly disliked and disgusting and of course the ever going anhedonia is present, which has stolen any joy in life that I use to assume would always be there.

 

 My mornings are much improved from the horrors they use to be.  (we all know what those are like...)..I get some anxiety at times upon waking, but, in comparison, way, way better than for such a long time.  So, improvement there.  I still have the "feel better in the evenings" pattern, which varies, sometime just a little better, sometimes a lot. There are also days that are quite neutral, sometimes one or two in a row.  I can "feel" the w/d stuff poking around on those days, but, thankfully, the bad stuff stays just out of sight....for a while.  

 

I've had several times when out doing things with my son, his girlfriend and her daughter, that are what I would call successful.  I didn't feel really bad, no overwhelming feelings showed up to ruin everything, so, it worked out ok.  Of course, the whole time I'm "worried" that something may happen because this "crap" can show up so fast, like, BANG!  But, otherwise, I've had some better experiences.   One in particular was going to see Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood perform here in Tucson on the 6th of December this year.  They are guys from the "Whose Line is it Anyway" shows.  Well, for the first time in this long recovery I was able to really, REALLY laugh. OMG, they were so funny AND I was ABLE to react to it.  I was actually hoarse from laughing so hard.  I was SO relieved that I could actually enjoy the show because I was afraid it would be wasted if I was unable to respond.  But, I lucked out and had a good experience.  I am so grateful that I got to see those guys....they are just great.

 

I surely wish I wouldn't keep lapsing back into the wavy stuff, but, I am still doing that unfortunately.  So many things I'd be doing otherwise, but, without that particular type of inspired energy that this experience takes away from us, I just can't do very much.  It seems pointless to try, yet, weird because I "want" to do things, but, there's just no motivation at all to make it happen ..It's enough that I have for force myself to do any jobs that come my way because I need the income. (currently, I repair Native American art and artifacts and make mounts and stands for them for a gallery in town....also jewelry repairs, things like that).  Since that kind of work takes creative energy, I still find it very challenging to accomplish.  I procrastinate like crazy, something I NEVER use to do, waiting and hoping for a good day or gap in the symptoms so I can do a proper job.  Unfortunately, too many times, that doesn't happen and I have to just force myself to do it anyway, scared to death I'm going to screw it all up.  So far, I haven't wrecked anything, but, I'm always afraid of that.  I wasn't like that before at all....either. 

 

This experience of withdrawal certainly puts into sharp contrast what a NORMAL life is like.  It seems like heaven to imagine being what I use to be and being able to do what I use to do.  It's the "being able" part that's missing.  I had SO many ideas and plans......  I so hope I get the chance to once again see where my creativity will lead me.... And the Joy....being able to feel JOY again.    I've waited for sooooooooooo long.

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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   I have days of fear, then days of anger, then sometimes they are mixed up together.  

 

 

 My mornings are much improved from the horrors they use to be.  (we all know what those are like...)..I get some anxiety at times upon waking, but, in comparison, way, way better than for such a long time.  

 

 

I

 

So many things I'd be doing otherwise, but, without that particular type of inspired energy that this experience takes away from us, I just can't do very much.  It seems pointless to try, yet, weird because I "want" to do things, but, there's just no motivation at all to make it happen 

 

 It's the "being able" part that's missing.  I had SO many ideas and plans......  I so hope I get the chance to once again see where my creativity will lead me.... And the Joy....being able to feel JOY again.    I've waited for sooooooooooo long.

 

 

I relate to all of this stuff, so well!!!

You explain it the way I experience it also. Our improvements are slow and small but they ARE happening. 

2 Timothy 1-7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Effexor 75mg to 262.5mg 2005-2010 for post partum depression

Started having poop out mid 2010, also switched generic brands, then crashed in Dec 2010 (anxiety/ "terror", intense DR, anhedonia, suicidal ideation, chills, insomnia, horrible intrusive thoughts, disorientation, ect)
Rapid "tapered" from 262.5mg Effexor in 3 months

Tried Celexa,Cipralex, then Paxil to deal with wd(this switching made things worse and added akathesia)

Found online support and started tapering Paxil 7 months after quitting Effexor (at this point was having small windows).

Paxil taper: dropped 10% every 4-8 weeks

Year 1 October 2011 to Nov 2012 20mg to 10mg

Year 2 March 2013 to Feb 2014 10mg to 4mg

Year 3 April 2014 to May 2015 4mg to 1.1mg

Year 4 June 2015 1.1mg , dropping by 10% until .5mg, after then dropped by 0.1mg every 5 weeks until 0.1mg.

Finished! Official last dose of 0.1mg on June 15/16

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I was afraid to post on PP anymore because I didn't want to be upset by someone thinking I wasn't still recovering.  I KNOW I am....it's the same patterns I've had all along....just decreasing very, very slowly.

PP wasn't like that when I first joined, long recoveries were acknowledged back then. The site seemed to change over the years and not in a good way.

 

Like there's some little grimlin in my mind that relishes telling me how disgusting I am and insisting on taking every event happening around me in the most negative way possible.  I can't help but wonder how the mind can create that sort of effect.  I go around telling that creepy thing to shut up a lot.

There definitely is a little gremlin! I call mine the "Doomcloud", it helps to give it a name to separate it from myself, so I understand that it is not me. Telling it to shut up isn't a bad thing!

2001–2002 paroxetine

2003  citalopram

2004-2008  paroxetine (various failed tapers) 
2008  paroxetine slow taper down to

2016  Aug off paroxetine
2016  citalopram May 20mg  Oct 15mg … slow taper down
2018  citalopram 13 Feb 4.6mg 15 Mar 4.4mg 29 Apr 4.2mg 6 Jul 4.1mg 17 Aug 4.0mg  18 Nov 3.8mg
2019  15 Mar 3.6mg  21 May 3.4mg  26 Dec 3.2mg 

2020  19 Feb 3.0mg 19 Jul 2.9mg 16 Sep 2.8mg 25 Oct 2.7mg 23 Oct 2.6mg 24 Dec 2.5mg

2021   29 Aug 2.4mg   15 Nov 2.3mg

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Yes, the gremlins...thing is, when I tell them to shut up it feels like I've stabbed myself somehow.  The nasty gremlin "voice" isn't me, but, for some reason it hurts to do that.  I'm better off trying to "change the channel" instead.  But then the problem there is that the gremlin just goes after that place as well.  It gets tiring to keep running around like that.  

 

This morning I was in some sort of hyper mood....also not comfortable.  It's better than feeling really bad, but, it's not normal either.  I'm too agitated to do anything with the energy even though it's a kinder place.  I see it as the pendulum swinging a little too far the other way, so, I guess it's healing in progress.

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Maybe you can tell it that it is okay for it to be there, i.e. acknowledge it, but you are not going to give it any importance.  Or just tell it "yeah, okay, whatever".

2001–2002 paroxetine

2003  citalopram

2004-2008  paroxetine (various failed tapers) 
2008  paroxetine slow taper down to

2016  Aug off paroxetine
2016  citalopram May 20mg  Oct 15mg … slow taper down
2018  citalopram 13 Feb 4.6mg 15 Mar 4.4mg 29 Apr 4.2mg 6 Jul 4.1mg 17 Aug 4.0mg  18 Nov 3.8mg
2019  15 Mar 3.6mg  21 May 3.4mg  26 Dec 3.2mg 

2020  19 Feb 3.0mg 19 Jul 2.9mg 16 Sep 2.8mg 25 Oct 2.7mg 23 Oct 2.6mg 24 Dec 2.5mg

2021   29 Aug 2.4mg   15 Nov 2.3mg

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Yes, that would be better than being nasty...  It's like dealing with somebody you don't like and have nothing in common with but who insists on hanging out with you all the time.  Like trying to scrape gum off your shoe.  They just won't go away.  It gets very tiresome.  Eventually, though, it will go away.  

 

When I'm being "window-y", the gremlin things aren't there.  We're just thrown so many negative things to deal with all at once during this recovery...I'm amazed I'm not stark raving crazy by now.  I've had my moments, but, thankfully, there were no witnesses.  This is all certainly testing something in us....or....are we performing some service we are unaware of?

 

I do keep wanting and trying to figure it out.  

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Well, we are certainly learning some good coping skills.

2001–2002 paroxetine

2003  citalopram

2004-2008  paroxetine (various failed tapers) 
2008  paroxetine slow taper down to

2016  Aug off paroxetine
2016  citalopram May 20mg  Oct 15mg … slow taper down
2018  citalopram 13 Feb 4.6mg 15 Mar 4.4mg 29 Apr 4.2mg 6 Jul 4.1mg 17 Aug 4.0mg  18 Nov 3.8mg
2019  15 Mar 3.6mg  21 May 3.4mg  26 Dec 3.2mg 

2020  19 Feb 3.0mg 19 Jul 2.9mg 16 Sep 2.8mg 25 Oct 2.7mg 23 Oct 2.6mg 24 Dec 2.5mg

2021   29 Aug 2.4mg   15 Nov 2.3mg

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Yesterday evening was much better.  I felt more "real" and settled.  Also, there was none of that w/d fear...and what a relief that was.  When the w/d brand of fear or anger or whatever emotion, is in control, it always feels like it will never be gone or that I'll never be able to forget it can exist.  But, when I get a window thing like last night, all of that stuff is gone, and so I tell myself to TELL MYSELF the next time the symptoms are back, that they are not really real and will go away.  It feels so hopeless when they are present, but, they are really like potent shadows that will evaporate once this ordeal is over.  Of course every time I do get that relief...I'm hoping maybe THIS IS IT...that there will be no more returning garbage.  That's just natural.

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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That's such a good description KittyQ!  I can so relate to that.   And I can relate to your not wanting to complain any longer also, but I think that's one of the big values of doing so here - we remind each other that it's just withdrawal and not real and it WILL go away eventually.    xx

Put on Prothiaden for severe depression in 1989.  Recovered.   Prescribed Paxil for another bout of depression around 2000.   Have been trying to taper ever since but always crash about 2 months after getting to zero.   Because of the crashes, for years I thought that there was something wrong with me.   Then found that the crashes were simply withdrawal.   Now following a maximum of a 10% reduction every month or so and ready to slow down any time I feel any symptoms whatsoever.  Feeling good:).

7th Jan 15 - 3.6mg

28th Jan 15 - 3.2mg

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Oh yes, whatever we feel right now feels permanent, that's one of the tricks of the mind!

2001–2002 paroxetine

2003  citalopram

2004-2008  paroxetine (various failed tapers) 
2008  paroxetine slow taper down to

2016  Aug off paroxetine
2016  citalopram May 20mg  Oct 15mg … slow taper down
2018  citalopram 13 Feb 4.6mg 15 Mar 4.4mg 29 Apr 4.2mg 6 Jul 4.1mg 17 Aug 4.0mg  18 Nov 3.8mg
2019  15 Mar 3.6mg  21 May 3.4mg  26 Dec 3.2mg 

2020  19 Feb 3.0mg 19 Jul 2.9mg 16 Sep 2.8mg 25 Oct 2.7mg 23 Oct 2.6mg 24 Dec 2.5mg

2021   29 Aug 2.4mg   15 Nov 2.3mg

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Oh yes, whatever we feel right now feels permanent, that's one of the tricks of the mind!

 

Absolutely. Any time I'm in a wave I think "Well this is it, it's only downhill from here." Every. Single. Time.

 

Kitty, were you the one who suggested the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris to me? It was either you or Rose. Well it really helped me when I was being bombarded by the "gremlins" as you call them. One of the tricks that helped me is when you have those intrusive thoughts telling you awful things, that you should turn them into a cartoon voice. For instance, one of my gremlin thoughts was "You are never going to get better, you might as well be dead so why don't you just kill yourself" and when I would get that thought I would repeat it but with the voice of Mickey Mouse instead. It sounds dumb but it really lessened the scariness of the thought for me and it makes you realize that thoughts don't have to have this big significance we assign to them. Like the book said, you could have thoughts all day every day about winning the lottery, but that doesn't make it any more likely to happen. I don't know, it's just something that helped me that might help you a bit. But, of course, if you are the one who recommended the book to me then you know all this already. LOL.

 

Glad to hear you had a better day.

a.k.a JMarie

Paxil since Mar.1998

2006-2007:40-20mg
2009: 20mg to 14mg 2010: 14mg to 10.5mg 2011: 10.5 to 7.6mg  2012: 7.5 to 6.8mg

2013: 6.7-6.3mg 2014: 6.2mg-5.8mg 2015: 5.7 to 5.15mg 2016: 5.1-4.6mg

1/19/17: 4.5mg 3/17/17: 4.4mg

6/15/17: 4.35mg 8/10/17: 4.3mg

1/29/18: 4.1mg 5/07/18: 4.0mg

7/31/18: 3.9mg

 

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No, ladybug, it wasn't me that recommended the book...and that is a good idea.  I have done similar things, like "dress" the gremlin in embarrassing clothes or hang icky things on it.  Sounds silly too, but, it seems to discredit what it's trying to do.

 

Well, the better day is over.  I always am hoping it's the beginning of being all positive from now on...but, not yet it seems.  It would also really help if "life" situations would just take a break and stop picking on me.  It sure feels like being picked on.  I've had car problems that keep evading correction and last night I find there's some sort of water leak in my bathroom that has soaked a part of the floor.  I had a bad night because my nervous system is still too fragile to deal with these everyday things.  It's stupid and useless to be having jumped up anxiety about it, but, that's what happens.  I felt like I was back about 2 years. 

 

So I tell my son this morning ( he and his intended and her daughter live here now too....), and he's irritated about it because he just spent money on my car.  Anyway, it turns out it's a pinhole leak in one of the lines coming off of the water heater...fixable, once we figure out how to repair the strange looking plastic pipe they use now ( not pvc....).  I always feel like everything is my fault somehow too.  Must be the gremlin hard at work on me about that.

 

I'm sure all of us dealing with this recovery really wish these situation-al problems would leave us be until we're healed and able to deal with them intelligently.  I mean, good grief!!!!

 

It also takes some time for my system to settle back down to it's normal w/d state after something like this jazzes everything all up.  

 

But, it could have been worse.....

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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I get anxiety and adrenal shots just from looking and reading on this site. It's not the content, it's just from the act of being here. How irritating is that?????t!!!!!  

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Very!!  It is going to be a few more weeks before I'm fairly comfortable nosing around the site.  Hope you have a great New Year and I wish you settled nerves and much healing through out the year.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Thanks, Brass, and the same good wishes to YOU.  You're such a rock!

 

I seem to be cycling through my combination of w/d symptoms more often lately, yet, for shorter durations........."I think".  It's so hard to know just what is going on, isn't it?   One of the things I keep forgetting to do in all this is to STOP RESISTING.  That only makes me feel trapped and worse.  I catch myself all the time, pushing against the bad sensations and emotions instead of letting them pass on by.  It's natural to back away from the pain, but, in this case it's not the thing to do as it just causes the pain to linger instead of leaving.  Of course there are more of it's kind lining up to trek through, but, that's just the way it is.

 

We got some snow around the Tucson area on New Year's eve.  That IS a rare thing here.  Cold too, 27 degrees F this morning ....and for us desert rats, that's COLD.  I usually don't even light the furnace....propane is expensive and I have to save where I can.  But, it's on now....set at 65 degrees F.  Takes the edge off at least.  

 

I'm so fed up with "waiting"....for that time to pass....the time that has to pass while we are (hopefully) healing.  One of my fears is for all the time I'm wasting....not being productive or doing things I use to enjoy.  It's like watching something precious just going down a drain.  

 

I did get to a place a few evenings ago....that was "different".  It's weird how we can suddenly find ourselves in a better condition, just, plop!  But, I actually felt like the person I'd really like to be.  Not even who I use to be exactly, but, something much better.  I felt wise and calm and grounded and there was NO fear.  That doesn't really describe it all and of course it was gone by the morning....but, boy, I hope that's where I'm headed.  I hope something like that is where we're all headed.  

 

Man, I'm still afraid to say too much on here....it seems to take a long time for some things to settle down....  

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Never lose hope, KittyQ. I am more than 2 years out and also not where I wanna be.

 

I do think that time will heal all of us.

 

Did you test some things if for example coffee increases your anxiety or if you are sensitive to histamine? Maybe there are still some small things left that also mess with your CNS?

Cold turkeyed Paxil in May 2012  :ph34r:

 

Finally recovered / see success story :)

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Oh, thanks for the encouragement, DizzyGirl....

 

Yes, I've been limiting the caffeine where I can...again.  It doesn't seem to bother me like it use to, but, I thought maybe it still is more than I realize.  I have decaf coffee, but, that still has like 5% in it, so, I've been seeing if cutting that out will help.  I'm much better than I use to be for sure, just not out of this yet.  I've had odd reactions to some other things (like NyQuil...gave me an anxiety attack years ago...), so, I'm more sensitive I guess.  Also, it may just come down to the fact that my body isn't done putting things back in order.  It seems like there's a lot of tinkering and more minute fixing going on....  It could all just be over with soon.  Boy, do I hope so....

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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I am drinking decaf too. But like you said it  still contains traces of caffeine... even chocolate contains caffeine, so I try to avoit that too (very hard isnt it?).

 

I keep my fingers crossed for you that you will see huge differences this year. I do think that your positive attitude will help you tremendously. So keep that and fight.

Cold turkeyed Paxil in May 2012  :ph34r:

 

Finally recovered / see success story :)

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I am drinking decaf too. But like you said it  still contains traces of caffeine... even chocolate contains caffeine, so I try to avoit that too (very hard isnt it?).

 

I keep my fingers crossed for you that you will see huge differences this year. I do think that your positive attitude will help you tremendously. So keep that and fight.

I see you also ct'd paxil..so I really, really hope your recovery goes well.  I also noticed you are in Germany.  My son was stationed there for 4 years starting in 2003.  He really loved it there and made lots of friends.  He wanted me to see it, but, that's a long way off and certainly not something I could handle.  He's out of the service and home now.

 

Here's to us both getting through this mess!!!

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Your "different place" sounds like there is some real healing going on.  I started to notice things that way too, small amounts of "normality" at a time, hand on to them and watch them grow.  The creativity and the things you want to do will come back, I know for sure.  I have felt the desire to make new thing growing over the past six months until I am now very excited to get on with new projects.  The big stumbling block now is lifes mundanity getting in the way.  We have quite the cold snap going here too,  Had to set up makeshift greenhouses over the sensitive plants the other night to keep them from freezing.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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Your "different place" sounds like there is some real healing going on.  I started to notice things that way too, small amounts of "normality" at a time, hand on to them and watch them grow.  The creativity and the things you want to do will come back, I know for sure.  I have felt the desire to make new thing growing over the past six months until I am now very excited to get on with new projects.  The big stumbling block now is lifes mundanity getting in the way.  We have quite the cold snap going here too,  Had to set up makeshift greenhouses over the sensitive plants the other night to keep them from freezing.

I've also felt the stirrings...haphazardly...but, at least showing up.  I just always wonder after it has passed, if it was just a fluke.  But, that's probably the W/D mind talking.  And, it's often mixed up with the nasty symptoms.   It's a cruel tease.  Life BS gets in my way, that, and lack of space and funds.  There's a lot I could be working at if I could afford to.  At least I "think" I would be if I could.   The necessary inspirational energy is still trapped somewhere though.  I also waver back and forth between feeling some of the urgings and feeling like none of it matters at all.  So confusing....

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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For several days to a week I've been stuck in a fear wave.  Now, today, it's anger and irritation.  They usually ease up in the evenings....that familiar w/d pattern.  So, it's business as usual I guess.  When I have no inspiration to do much, it leaves a lot of empty time for the intrusive, stupid thinking to take over.  Then I have to back out of it again and again, all day long.  Even if I accomplish some chores or projects, I don't feel the satisfaction ( like I use to ) that a normal person would.  Good feelings and little joys are spiritual food and we're being starved during this recovery.  

 

At least it's not "quite" as cold as it was for the last week.  I find I have a lot less tolerance for discomfort now...and I can understand that.  I do think all of this, the questioning, the angst the worry.... will fade away once this ordeal is finally over.  When I get those really good windows, i feel like I KNOW this will be the case.  

 

Anybody else identify with Frodo?  I feel I've been carrying that nasty ring for a long time......

KittyQ

CT off paxil-April 2009

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Butter spread too thin over toast.  It is a really good description. I have felt that way a lot over the past several years.

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

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