☼ KittyQ

[Petunia]

Hi Kitty,

I noticed the same thing, in fact before I found this site, 'ascension' was one of the theories I had about what was happening to me, another one was kundalini activation

[aberdeen]

Hey Kitty!! Hang in there. I hate mornings too, but like you, they have improved so much since earlier times. We're healing, slowly but surely...good luck with your results. Try not to worry (i know, whatever)

[KittyQ]

Hi Kitty,

I noticed the same thing, in fact before I found this site, 'ascension' was one of the theories I had about what was happening to me, another one was kundalini activation

Yes, I've looked up the kundalini activation as well.  It's weird that the symptoms are much the same as the withdrawal/recovery....Whatever it all is, I sure wish it would get done with itself.  Maybe that's why some of us are taking so long to recover.  Maybe we're actually involved in more than one kind of re-wiring....Who knows?

[Altostrata]

Very happy to hear you can see you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

☼

to the title of your Intro topic.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

[KittyQ]

Hey Kitty!! Hang in there. I hate mornings too, but like you, they have improved so much since earlier times. We're healing, slowly but surely...good luck with your results. Try not to worry (i know, whatever)

Thanks, aberdeen.  It is always comforting to hear from you.  I hope you are doing better and all.  I think of you often, being a fellow artistic person.... I wonder what, if anything, I'll be doing in that area eventually.  I really don't know....

 

Take care of yourself...

[KittyQ]

Very happy to hear you can see you're doing better. I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol

 

☼

 

to the title of your Intro topic.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

Thanks, Altostrata.  I hope I will be adding a success story soon, too.  I'm worn out waiting....

[Petunia]

Yes, I've looked up the kundalini activation as well.  It's weird that the symptoms are much the same as the withdrawal/recovery....Whatever it all is, I sure wish it would get done with itself.  Maybe that's why some of us are taking so long to recover.  Maybe we're actually involved in more than one kind of re-wiring....Who knows?

 

Because I have a fairly open mind about these things, I think its a possibility.  You might find this thread interesting:

 

Kundalini & shamanic initiatory illness

[KittyQ]

 

Yes, I've looked up the kundalini activation as well.  It's weird that the symptoms are much the same as the withdrawal/recovery....Whatever it all is, I sure wish it would get done with itself.  Maybe that's why some of us are taking so long to recover.  Maybe we're actually involved in more than one kind of re-wiring....Who knows?

 

Because I have a fairly open mind about these things, I think its a possibility.  You might find this thread interesting:

 

Kundalini & shamanic initiatory illness

 

Yes!  This thread is where I first found the information about kundalini....it's amazing how the symptoms are the same, isn't it?  I'm still tired of it though.....whatever it is.

[KittyQ]

I keep finding more and more sites about ascension symptoms and explanations that definitely "speak" to me.  I'm amazed at how many of these sites there are....and relieved.  For me, it's a real thing and is helping me understand why I am still experiencing "symptoms".  I have been in withdrawal in the beginning, but, I truly believe I am now dealing with this as well.  But, it's OKAY and I will be OKAY.  

 

Now I just have to get through these up coming doctor appointments where I must convince these "professionals" that I am ONLY willing to treat any conditions I have with natural substances..  No toxic drugs for me. Diet, exercise and natural supplements   That's all.  So far my results are only slightly above normal and could be attributed to W/D anyway.  So, it's the natural route for me and also letting more time pass.  I bet I will be just fine.  

 

It's the doctors themselves I hate trying to talk to.  But, I have found out some useful information, for me, in this process.  It just, unfortunately, involves dealing with the medical community.  Maybe I'll be surprised and NOT get the response I'm afraid of.  I admit, I am paranoid about them. I'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kitty-- I'm glad to hear that your're doing so much better.  I had a look at some of the ascension sites and found it all quit familiar.  A person can't go through such an experience as WD and not come out changed.  For us the majority of our humanity has been chemically stripped away and the world then sifted through one grain of sand at a time as we try to rebuild.  It is a torturous, wrenching process, but I feel that we emerge  as better people.  One of the hards parts to accept is that we are doing it involuntarily.  I first faced that during my "Seven Years of Pain", but I was lucky that I had several years of spiritual training under my belt and was able to understand what was happening and work with it.  Those experiences held me in good stead when, many years later, I started passing through chemical torment caused by my Paxil use and have helped me navigate the changing world as I have emerged on the other side.  I have mentioned on many other threads that this is our second chance at life that many others won't get and we should take full advantage of it.  Just think of the positive changes that can be made if the tens of millions of us who will be going through this in the next years will let it be a growing experience.  The inner strength, confidence, clarity and world view I have gained are amazing, almost to the point of moving beyond the pain etc. I went through to get here.  There is still some acceptance to be dealt with on that issue, all in it's own time.  Life is too precious and short to be ruled by bitterness, the past is over and done with, can't be changed and must be let go of, and that gets into another subject for another time.

 

Best of luck with the doctors.

 

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

[Songbird]

Just bumping my journal so I can find it. 

 

You can find your own threads by clicking on "My Content" and then on the left click "Only Topics".

[KittyQ]

I don't find "my content" anywhere...duh!

 

I wanted to thank Brass for that amazing post on here.  I wish I could be as brave as you and was handling all of this with the elegance that you are.  Withdrawal or ascension, it all feels the same and I'll be so glad when I'm done with it.

 

One thing I've found out from the blood work, etc, is that I am very deficient in vitamin D.  What the doctor prescribed...after I did my research...is not recommended anymore...(figures)...so, I've got myself on what I should have now.  She gave me D2, which is synthetic (!), instead of D3, which is the kind our bodies make.  Why would she do that?  So far, everything I've been prescribed has been wrong or unnecessary.  But, I'm taking care of it, being proactive and finding the right things.  Really, any symptoms I've had are due to the Vit. D shortage, so, I think I'm doing fine.  There is one more test they wanted to do just to be sure and I will be glad when that is over with.  I really hate being on the doctor-go-round.  They are so blinded by Big Pharma....aaugh!  Don't get me started.  We really do have to take care of ourselves.

 

Being in the state I'm in....better, but, still too much fear and anxiety...makes going through this doctor stuff really hard.  But, I do have test results to work from and I'll figure it out.

 

.  

[brassmonkey]

" I wish I could be as brave as you and was handling all of this with the elegance that you are. "

 

But you are. I have followed your journals both on PP and here and the things you have been through, trials you passed, situations you have dealt with.  It has been quite remarkable to watch the changes take place with each one.  One thing about personal growth is that it is very rarely "ah ha"  moments.  It is a slow morphing as an unacceptable trait is recognized, worked through and replaced with something more positive.  Quit often one never even sees it happening as it is frequently an unconscious decision "no, I'm going to do it this way this time, because the other way hasn't worked".  By the mere fact that you have been going to ascension websites and have thought about the process tells me that it is happening.  All in all it is a wrenching, confusing, scary process that is hard to recognize.  As for my elegance about it, I just happen to be able to put it into words because I have spent many hours in discussions with others while working my way through the process. I don't talk about the uncertainty, anxiety,  loneliness, late night crying jags, because they are just symptoms of the changes I am making and don't count because of what I am finding within myself.  Like with WD it is totally individual, we are all walking on the same road, but on different sides.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[KittyQ]

Thanks, Brass....it's such a help to have the support and acknowledgement.  The people I'm around and who live here with me now, all mean well, but, I have to keep all my fears and trials to myself and it's quite lonely.  I know you know that as well.  Thanks for knowing and being here.  You are such a gift.  

[KittyQ]

Ahhh, finally figured out how to find my content.....  And, my car PASSED EMISSIONS TEST!  That is always a trauma for me.  I feel like less of an idiot now....

[aberdeen]

How are things kitty? Car drama is ridiculous. My husband has been putting of an emissions test forever and getting tickets because his sticker is overdue. So dumb. I think Im noticing small changes in the anhedonia. I can now get interested in hobbies again, but still lack any lasting motivation, but the thoughts are returning. I find myself online looking for inspiration for various projects and even gathering supplies. Its a start. How is yours?

[Songbird]

That's a great start, Aberdeen.  I find I sometimes have motivation and sometimes I don't, so I try to work on my projects when the motivation is there (and try not to beat myself up too much when it isn't).

[KittyQ]

How are things kitty? Car drama is ridiculous. My husband has been putting of an emissions test forever and getting tickets because his sticker is overdue. So dumb. I think Im noticing small changes in the anhedonia. I can now get interested in hobbies again, but still lack any lasting motivation, but the thoughts are returning. I find myself online looking for inspiration for various projects and even gathering supplies. Its a start. How is yours?

 

Hey, aberdeen, I've been wondering how you were doing.  That's great that you are getting some urges again.  I sort of get them.  I get ideas and think about doing something about them, but, that energy we need to make it happen is still elusive for me.  Sometimes I can get away with doing something for a little bit, but, I run out of that creative gas too soon.  I've had ideas about wanting to do paintings, but, now that there are so many people living here with me, and my "artist space" had been reduced or eliminated, I have no where that I can do that.  It's frustrating.  I'm crammed into my room and have nowhere to go right now.

 

I'm finally through with all the medical "testing" the so called "doctors" wanted to do.  To be fair, I did need to find out a few things....but having ct scans and sonograms scared the heck out of me and I was just as frightened of the doctors as I was of the procedures.   Every time I had to go I was consumed with worry...it's so dumb and useless, but, my system just wouldn't behave.  But, I got through it all and basically I'm ok.  I did need to KNOW about the vitamin D deficiency...so, it was all necessary, unfortunately.  Next I need to start work on my teeth.  Between what paxil does to dental health AND the vitamin deficiency, I need a lot of repairs now.  At least there is some medicare coverage for that now.  I am procrastinating however......because I'll probably worry about that as well.  Just have to cowgirl up and do it, though.  Then I can actually SMILE again...hopefully without scaring anybody.

 

I still get w/d stuff, but, it's way less intense...I can certainly feel that it's w/d flavored, because it has that acidic "taste"....but, it's gradually reducing.  I'm also very bored because I still can't be involved with "living" yet.  I'm still waiting for the JOY to show up.  That is what makes life worth while....finding the joy and being able to feel it wholeheartedly.  We've been denied that blessing...going through this recovery.  

 

I also believe I am experiencing a lot of the ascension processing as well.  It's curious that the symptoms of that are so similar to our w/d symptoms.....I'm not sure where they start and end or co-mingle????  But, whatever is going on, all I can do is endure and keep heading forward.....

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kitty-- I'm so glad you checked out okay, it is such a load off knowing for sure what is right and what is wrong.  I've been fighting with the dentist since Christmas, have to go back in of Friday for a follow up.  All the work he did and it still doesn't feel right.  I have been thinking about breaking out the paints again, which surprises me, because it was prepaxil was the last time I really did any painting.  I think I'll start out easy with a little sketching first for a while.  I always found doing a painting to be rather traumatic, not a fun experience at all.  It's so nice to see that all of us "artsie" types are starting to get our mojo back.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

[aberdeen]

Kitty its a start! Its all intermittent with me still too, the interest, not so  much the mental energy, thats consistently low still. But I get little times where i feel love or a flutter over something cute and sweet, even tear up a little in that happy/sad way. But its fleeting still.

I would die being denied my personal space. Thats a tough one to take when you're a creative person, we need to be alone to process ideas ect! Hang in there, it'll come....

[KittyQ]

Kitty its a start! Its all intermittent with me still too, the interest, not so  much the mental energy, thats consistently low still. But I get little times where i feel love or a flutter over something cute and sweet, even tear up a little in that happy/sad way. But its fleeting still.

I would die being denied my personal space. Thats a tough one to take when you're a creative person, we need to be alone to process ideas ect! Hang in there, it'll come....

 

Thanks, aberdeen.  It is tough.  i feel very displaced and it's not anyone else's fault....it's no one's fault...it's just the way it is.  But, it's frustrating to get these little urges and not be able to do anything with them for lack of space and privacy.  It just occurred to me that we'd all probably benefit from being able to throw all our frustrations on to a canvas with paint or whatever.  I can see myself going wild....but, I can't afford the paint.  Just one of those weird, fleeting thoughts that immediately seems dumb.  

 

I have been cleaning up parts of the yard, getting rid of the weeds and making a pleasant place outdoors to be in, (at least until it gets too darn hot to be out there.).  I even feel some accomplishment about it.  And, THAT is new.  For so long, no matter what I did or fixed or improved, it didn't matter at all and I only felt criticism about it.  These are all things I WAS NOT LIKE before....not at all.  Oh well......

[Songbird]

I even feel some accomplishment about it.  And, THAT is new. 

 

That is great news, I hope it continues.  And I hope that some time soon you can find a place where you can do your painting or other projects.  We all need some space somewhere.

[aberdeen]

"For so long, no matter what I did or fixed or improved, it didn't matter at all and I only felt criticism about it.  These are all things I WAS NOT LIKE before....not at all."

 

I can really relate to this. And when you have that small break and feel like the old you, its so unreal how far apart the two are!

[KittyQ]

"For so long, no matter what I did or fixed or improved, it didn't matter at all and I only felt criticism about it.  These are all things I WAS NOT LIKE before....not at all."

 

I can really relate to this. And when you have that small break and feel like the old you, its so unreal how far apart the two are!

 

Oh boy, so true!  I still get amazed and overwhelmed when I realize how far away from "myself" I have gotten to.  All of this w/d and/or ascension stuff has kept me so fuzzy headed and confused, even on better days, that I mostly don't really know how far from the self I was, I have gotten.  And, I don't really want to be the person I WAS....due to the purging that I have going on now, I don't want to be exactly who I was before.  I wasn't a "bad" person at all, just different and it fit the "level" I was in.....but, this is a newer time...this experience or experiences have changed some perceptions and they don't fit that old "me"..  

 

I'm just still in some sort of void or limbo....in between what was and what will be.  I don't like it....it's groundless....it's lonely....it's boring along with being scary.  I'm fed up with waiting out everyday....hoping for the time when I arrive wherever it is that I will.  It's supposed to be WAY better than this....and I sure hope it is.

[aberdeen]

I think it will be better than this. It really is limbo isn't it? After this much time, it will be interesting to see who we emerge as. I think our creativity will take on totally different and new angles too.

[Frustrated]

I don't think we will be who we were even at 100 percent recovery. We see the world differently now and have a new understanding of how dangerous man made medicines are. Also we have been suffering so much that when we end up feeling good again we won't waste it. We will accomplish so much more. I don't want to be who I was. I want to be more.

[AmyK]

I don't want to be who I was. I want to be more.

So true, and beautifully said.

[Prestorb]

OMG Kitty, I SO identify with how you are feeling! Thank you for expressing it, I feel validated in just knowing that I am not alone with this weird feeling. It's almost like I'm floating in space, still present, still going through the motions, but not engaged. Maybe I will call it "shadow living", since it's not really living as much as a shadow of what living is meant to be. Although, we all have our crosses to bear I suppose, whether suffering from med WD or not.

 

I used to feel some satisfaction upon accomplishing any small task, which kept me motivated to keep doing all the things that needed to be done. I took it for granted, of course, not knowing anything else. Now it seems it wouldn't matter if I leapt tall buildings and saved the world, there would be nothing. It makes me very sad if I dwell on it so I try not to, but that is also challenging and a struggle.

 

What I do know, is that this is definitely from these horrid drugs, and that in time, it will disappear. It's a struggle to remind myself of this everyday and every minute practically, but I have to - we have to. There is an end to this WD tunnel and together, we will find it. Whatever it takes to keep the faith and the hope alive, we must do. Hang in there my fellow sufferers.

[KittyQ]

Been reading around here on the site and it is appalling how many people are going through this mess.  New ones all the time.  It's like an epidemic.  

 

I'm still trudging on, too.  Also, I go back and read from the journal I keep in a notebook from time to time and CAN see the small improvements...   I'm NOT out of these woods, but, I do see small changes from like a year ago.  Lately, though, I've had an ongoing dialog in my mind that is NOT coming from me exactly.  It's all negative and mean, nasty ideas directed at myself and sometimes very judgemental about anything and everything.  No matter what I think about, it spins it into some very bad, scary direction or just flat out MAKES IT UP..  Then I have to STOP the whole thing, step back, re-position myself.  It's like there's some shadow gremlin whose job it is to attack me as much as it can and keep me mixed up and distracted.  The intensity changes.  Sometimes it's not TOO bad, and other times it's relentless.  It's very tiring and annoying...even though I catch it within a minute or so.  I guess I just described "intrusive thoughts".  These are "thoughts" I never would have entertained before this w/d thing. I've had some form of this all along, it's just that I've noticed it being ramped up a lot lately.

 

Otherwise, in general I'm sure not where I was in the first 3 to 4 years of this stuff.  I get ideas of creative things I'd be doing (I think), if I could afford it and had a decent place to do it.  I am SO financially strapped, though that I can't....and it is certainly adding to my stress.  So many things could be eased up if I wasn't in this financial state.  

 

I do go sit outside a lot and just watch nature....the birds and lizards and bunnies and squirrels and whatever else shows up in the yard.  I'm in a rural area so there are a lot of visitors.  But, it's finally hit the 100's temperature wise and will get warmer as the days move forward, so, I don't sit out very long now.  It's just too darn hot.  It's too bad because being outside does help.  It's grounding somehow and a relief from my bedroom.  As soon as I go out the door I can feel some of the stress just float off.  If I could afford to and had an air-conditioned, dependable car, I'd jut GO....  I'd drive anywhere and just look and look and watch the changing landscape...go different places for lunch...just GO.  

 

Lots of times, I feel like I'm some visitor here...some alien from someplace else and I just want to watch and see what this planet and the people here go do and what they act like.  A lot of what is taken as everyday activity looks odd to me....like watching a new culture and just seeing the differences in how the people live and interact.  Like going to a "restaurant" and having other people bring you food and everyone knows how it works.  It's just understood.  It's weird because "I've" been there and do it too and still...it's like I'm "undercover" and just observing.  So freakin" weird....!  It's like being in at least two places at once.

 

I mean, just what the heck AM I?

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kitty-- boy does that all sound familiar. It's great that you are able to catch it and change the channel so quickly, it's the only way to keep it under control and not let it over power you.  Too bad it is getting so hot, being outside is such a help.  Maybe getting out at night and watching the sky would work.  Things do sound like they have improved from just a couple of months ago.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[KittyQ]

Bless you, Tom!  You're such a support.  And I will try going out at night more.  Just sit on the porch and watch the sky...especially if the moon is up there.  Me and the skeeters....  I could take my citronella candle for protection.  

 

((((((((((HUGS BACK)))))))))))))

[KittyQ]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has found that they feel REJECTED really, really easily.  I'm like thin glass...I shatter over the smallest disregard.  I keep it to myself, but, it really hurts.  I hate being so fragile...  I hide it because I don't want to appear even more rediculous than I already am.

 

My recovery limps along, but, I have noticed this "reaction" all through this "experience" and I'm really fed up with it.  I hate feeling so weak and alone.  I'm basically sure it's just me...that I'm not totally unwanted...it just FEELS that way.  AAUGH!....this crap is.....indescribable!

 

Really...other than this current meltdown because of a dumb misunderstanding....things are improving in their idiotic, non-linear way.  It's just slow as ever.

 

Power to us all....

[aberdeen]

hey Kitty, yes, thats neuro emotions at their finest. I get the same way. Very easy to feel rejected and unloved. Its a horrible feeling. I am sure its very exaggerated. Sometimes I dont even need a trigger, i just start thinking things and drawing conclusions out of thin air, always about those closest to me, esp my family. I find it very hard not to react sometimes.

Glad to hear some things are improving, slow as it may be. I was sick with a nasty long lived virus and its put me in a tail spin of anxiety and early wake up adrenaline and doom again. This whole process can screw itself. I was done years ago,lol. hang in there Kitty, nice to hear from you.

[lotusflower]

I'm just wondering if anyone else has found that they feel REJECTED really, really easily.  I'm like thin glass...I shatter over the smallest disregard.  I keep it to myself, but, it really hurts.  I hate being so fragile...  I hide it because I don't want to appear even more rediculous than I already am.

 

My recovery limps along, but, I have noticed this "reaction" all through this "experience" and I'm really fed up with it.  I hate feeling so weak and alone.  I'm basically sure it's just me...that I'm not totally unwanted...it just FEELS that way.  AAUGH!....this crap is.....indescribable!

 

Really...other than this current meltdown because of a dumb misunderstanding....things are improving in their idiotic, non-linear way.  It's just slow as ever.

 

Power to us all....

Yes, I have this and it is horrible. I've been Zoloft free for 30 months and this is as bad as it was in the beginning.....maybe more so now because of the current stress in my life. You are not alone. Like you, I pretend to not be offended.....thankfully we can do that

amd I think that is a good sign.....to notice that the feelings are exaggerated and to contain them and not act on them is a lot....let's give ourselves credit for that.

[KittyQ]

Thanks, guys....it always helps to know I'm not alone....that these idiotic reactions are not reality.  I'm constantly amazed that even knowing that, the feelings feel absolutely real.  And, compared to "normal" life, I don't seem to get use to it so I can disregard it.  By that I mean it's always FRESH....and forces itself in.  So weird.  Definitely a different kind of "reality"....except it isn't real.  No wonder we all feel crazy.

 

And, yeah...aberdeen, I do that too.  Creating "crap" out of thin air.  I catch myself and then stop it as much as I can, but, it starts up again later.  

 

This is all way less intense than in the beginning of this w/d nightmare, but, even any taste of it is TOO much.  There's a PTSD flavor to it, I think.  Just too long a time under this torture so that even a little of it goes a long way.

 

Mostly now...I still deal with feeling disconnected from everything, barely any motivation, creativity still "scares: me, so I avoid it if I can, saddness that I seem to have no purpose or place in life and those rotten, sneaky intrusive negative thoughts are still around.  Most of the physical function symptoms are much better now.  No more awful gastric stuff, or super sore, stiff muscles or really bad headaches or dizziness, etc.  So, that's a good thing.

 

I hope it ALL goes for good soon, though.  For ALL of us!

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kitty-- it sounds like overall you have made some real improvements. Those pesky intrusive thoughts are such a problem along with the agitation and anger stuff.  Mine have improved somewhat so now I'm not as on guard and they sneak past and start causing trouble before I can catch them.  The connection and creativity will be coming back too.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))