Alaskamom - Another, and hopefully final, try! Former PPer

[alaskamom]

I have been having a horrendous week.  With the latest drop, I have had a lot of depression and hopelessness, PMS from hell, agitation and brain fog.  Over the last month or so, I have fallen back into an old habit I have of picking and gnawing at my cuticles until they are painful and bleed  I want to stop doing this!  I did it for years, then it stopped during Paxil times, and then resumes during stressful times.

 

Unfortunately, my 13 year old has acquired the habit too.  She is a nervous wreck, anxious and high-strung in general.  Of course, it drives me bonkers when she does it though!

 

So, remember the car my DH bought off Craigslist sight unseen?  Well, it's just a mess.  Had a radiator leak, along with the electrical problem.  Now has an oil leak.  We've put nearly $1000 into it (paid $6000 for it), and DH has finally decided to trade it in and stop the flow of cash rushing from our house.  I am happy about this because the car is so undependable and the roads here are terrible, but it will put us into a more expensive car.  We can't sell it to an individual as it has so many problems; feel a dealership is better equipped to handle it and the repairs, etc.  Don't want to put this on anyone else.  Oh, we've expended our liquid savings in our move here, so $ is tight.  We will get some reimbursed from the government, but not enough.  I never realize how much finances impact my mood until it is payday or we are better off and the weight is lifted.  So, guess what my morning dread/freak out session was about....  the car.

 

Oh and my 13-year-old who has retreated into an online presence in every way, vanishing into her room, to only reappear for food and to go places.  I think that's how a lot of teens do it, but not here.  I cringe at what she is watching/listening/doing in there, so I had to take the phone and ipod away for now until she returns to planet earth and her family.  I was totally not up for this battle considering the state of things and my mind, but...

 

My DH has been stressed out in his month here too, so we are not connecting the way we should, and weekends find us at each other's throats.  We hardly have time to discuss anything, and resort to texting or emailing to discuss anything big.

 

Sinus infections continues on, so I am dizzy and foggy-headed from that too.  At least the taper consequences should get better in the next week or two.  Our finances should improve too as payday is looming in a week, along with the moving reimbursement from the government.  The car will be traded by then too.

 

The blessings:  I do not have an anxiety attack going, I am not agoraphobic at the moment, I am healthy, I have a nice home and everything I need, I have 3 healthy kids, I have a good husband.

 

Now I will quit complaining.

[Petunia]

Hi alaskamom, I'm sorry about your horrendous week, it sounds like it was very stressful.  But I do love your attitude of gratitude at the end, its so important to be able to see the good in our lives along side the challenges, sometimes withdrawal makes this difficult.

 

Now that you are getting lower in your dose, it sounds like you may be experiencing some increase in symptoms, this can often happen.  Sometimes reducing the percentage of your cuts can solve this problem.  Here is some information about how to do this:

 

Micro-taper instead of 10% or 5% decreases
Decreasing your dosage by very tiny amounts more often might be more tolerable than 5% or 10% decreases. Know your symptom pattern first so you can estimate how often you can reduce.

 

Its something to think about anyway.  I hope next week is better

[ang]

Thanks Brassmonkey!  I think there needs to be a support hotline for this sort of thing.  I ended up gushing about my problems to the grocery store clerk who tried to offer help.  I made it through.  Just waiting for everyone to arrive now.

hahah I told my whole life story to a person walking her dog.... oh damn  

[ang]

I have been having a horrendous week.  With the latest drop, I have had a lot of depression and hopelessness, PMS from hell, agitation and brain fog.  Over the last month or so, I have fallen back into an old habit I have of picking and gnawing at my cuticles until they are painful and bleed  I want to stop doing this!  I did it for years, then it stopped during Paxil times, and then resumes during stressful times.

 

Unfortunately, my 13 year old has acquired the habit too.  She is a nervous wreck, anxious and high-strung in general.  Of course, it drives me bonkers when she does it though!

 

So, remember the car my DH bought off Craigslist sight unseen?  Well, it's just a mess.  Had a radiator leak, along with the electrical problem.  Now has an oil leak.  We've put nearly $1000 into it (paid $6000 for it), and DH has finally decided to trade it in and stop the flow of cash rushing from our house.  I am happy about this because the car is so undependable and the roads here are terrible, but it will put us into a more expensive car.  We can't sell it to an individual as it has so many problems; feel a dealership is better equipped to handle it and the repairs, etc.  Don't want to put this on anyone else.  Oh, we've expended our liquid savings in our move here, so $ is tight.  We will get some reimbursed from the government, but not enough.  I never realize how much finances impact my mood until it is payday or we are better off and the weight is lifted.  So, guess what my morning dread/freak out session was about....  the car.

 

Oh and my 13-year-old who has retreated into an online presence in every way, vanishing into her room, to only reappear for food and to go places.  I think that's how a lot of teens do it, but not here.  I cringe at what she is watching/listening/doing in there, so I had to take the phone and ipod away for now until she returns to planet earth and her family.  I was totally not up for this battle considering the state of things and my mind, but...

 

My DH has been stressed out in his month here too, so we are not connecting the way we should, and weekends find us at each other's throats.  We hardly have time to discuss anything, and resort to texting or emailing to discuss anything big.

 

Sinus infections continues on, so I am dizzy and foggy-headed from that too.  At least the taper consequences should get better in the next week or two.  Our finances should improve too as payday is looming in a week, along with the moving reimbursement from the government.  The car will be traded by then too.

 

The blessings:  I do not have an anxiety attack going, I am not agoraphobic at the moment, I am healthy, I have a nice home and everything I need, I have 3 healthy kids, I have a good husband.

 

Now I will quit complaining.

haha just sounds like a normal 13 year old girl, dont stress.  Mine was horrific, and now she is my best friend......  dont try and be friends when they are 13, just cope with it, the stress, believe me you will both be laughing later... Hormones, tis all.

[ang]

Alaskamom, hope I am helping here.  My daughter had horrible friends, she had a stressful time growing up. (long story)..... I just laid down rules, she kept breaking them.  The advice, keep laying down the rules, she will keep breaking them......the teachers wanted me to move her to another school, I refused, because whatever she was seeking in her friends, she would just find in a new school.  Trust them, they are resilient.  One day, at the door, with the policeman and one of her friends, she just said   ""oh mum says I can't go"   like wow... eventually they can use your forever broken rules, to get themselves out of a tricky situation.....

I love her to bits she is now a very resilient 30 year old, and damn none of her kids all five of them, are on these evil drugs.  Despite two being apparently ""autistic" gives more funding for the school....and one she was told she had to terminate, as it would never be able to feed itself (scan).. well little Annie is alive and well, and top of her class.

 

Anyway, dont worry, kids are resilient.  I worry about my 17 year old, having to look at my miserable face every day      Thinking about my daughter now, and memories, has brightened my day.... thankyou

[ang]

And well done!

[alaskamom]

Thanks, Ang!  I am sure she is already planning her therapy to get over her years with me ruining her life :-/  I feel guilty whenever I have to make them behave.  I wonder if all moms do??  My 13 year old is the middle child and totally different than my eldest.  My eldest is easygoing, nonconfrontational, reasonable.  She has her moments, but nothing like the 13 year old!  I suppose the middle one had to be the opposite!  My youngest is totally different than the other two and is lazzzy and drives me nuts with her lack of motivation.  Rough days.

[alaskamom]

Does anyone else have a hard time deciding if they are physically sick (with a bold or whatever) vs. having withdrawal symptoms?  I've had a sinus infection for weeks, no progress, even with an antibiotic.  Dizzy, lightheaded, tons of drainage, nausea.  Now I am having crying spells, feel weak, emotional, angry.  This is lasting so long I am worried I have a tumor in my sinuses.  Keep waiting for it to go away, but it won't.

 

Also, this last taper, I had to cut up a new batch of Paxil pills that were a different shape and probably a different manufacturer.  I mixed the new ones in with the old so I could get accustomed to it, as the only ones I have going forward are the new shape/manufacturer.  Will I get adjusted to this?

 

Feeling hopeless and suicidal thoughts at times....

[dalsaan]

Hi Alaskamom

 

Yes I sometimes have difficulty distinguishing wd from physical sickness. If I get sick soon after a drop I usually put it down to that.

 

I have found it more difficult at the lower doses, compounding that with a change in pill has obviously disturbed your system. This will pass. I think you should consider smaller doses and perhaps longer holds in between. It's difficult when you can see the finish line as such but you want to get there in the best shape.

 

Although we are poles apart (pardon the pun), I wish you well. May this pass soon

 

Dalsaan

[brassmonkey]

You made a huge location change just a few weeks ago, it is quite possible that there is a reaction going on to the new local.  Different trees, house, city, it can all throw your sinuses out of whack.  Plus sinus problems are a symptom of WD.  Like everything else we get involved with around here, give it some time and it will sort itself out.

[aberdeen]

You are a fantastic mom, my friend has teens and would never haul her teens ass out of his room like that and it is EXACTLY what he needs, good for you. I battle constantly with my confrontational 10 yr old son and the computer, omg. I feel for ya there.Be careful with the different pills, I know it can make a difference...maybe why the depression ect?? I wouldnt rule it out, its happened to me before. Hang in there, youre doing great!

[alaskamom]

Sometimes I wish we hadn't bought any electronics at all, as all I get to do is take them away, hide them, or change social media passwords for a virtual "grounding!"  When I do, they actually read books, act nicer, etc....  What was I thinking?

[alaskamom]

So, I am going off my B12 injections this week.  I am tired of sleeping restlessly, being super-energetic, edgy, etc.  I did sleep well and deeply for the first time last night, in a long time; however, when I woke up, it was with a start and worse dread/panic than ever.  Talk about a trade-off!  Anyhow, I am tired of the hyperness, etc., and I figure being on a lower dose of Paxil naturally gives me more energy (mostly) so we'll see.

 

Unfortunately, the sinus problem continues.  I am almost done with the antibiotic, but I am still dizzy, nauseous, weak, weepy, feeling bad.  When I move my head certain ways, I get dizzy and am often muddled and confused.  I have this unreasonable terror that it is a sinus tumor.  My MIL died from one last year and it was awful.  Ironically, that fear was vacillating between suicidal feelings too!

 

Fortunately, I did have a window of feeling somewhat better, than felt bad again.  I also worry I messed up my pill cutting last time I did my month's worth.  Maybe I should remeasure?  Since we live in the city now, I think I will take the whole dang batch to the compounding pharmacy next month and have them do it.

 

My middle daughter, my strong-willed one, seems to have the sinus virus or whatever that I started with a month ago.  Sad for her, but maybe it minimizes the chances this is a tumor and is just a long virus.

 

On a positive note, we rescued a wonderful lab this weekend.  His name is Roy and he is 5.  He is an absolute joy and takes my mind off things.  DH thrilled to have another male in the house.  He is well-mannered, no accidents, or bad behaviors PTL.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Seems a right handsome gent!

 

Since you are getting into the low doses where measuring is more critical, a compounding pharmacy might be a very good idea. Also, be sure and let us know if stopping the B12 causes any change. Why are you taking it? Are you taking anything else that is not noted in your signature?

 

I see your concern about the sinus symptoms. All I know is that my head was very affected in early protracted wd: I was stuffed up, I lost my sense of smell and taste, breathing through my nose (when it was clear) felt like I was breathing fire, I had popping sounds in my ears. In fact my initial symptoms were misdiagnosed by my doc as a sinus problem and he suggested I take atarax, a rx antihistamine, which was the worst thing I could have done. It threw me over the edge into wd. It all went away and came back at various times in wd. I just suffered through it till it went away.

 

Edit: I want back and read your first post and I see you have indeed been taking something: "with some help from a super-antihistamine that helps calm me down when my body freaks out." Would you please note that in your signature? That definitely makes a difference in how you might react to decreasing doses of drugs and your 'sinus' symptoms can get worse do to a 'rebound' effect if you don't take it.

Edited January 26, 2015 by cymbaltawithdrawal5600

[aberdeen]

Roy is adorable , awwwww  

 

and Im sure its not a tumour!!

[brassmonkey]

Dog energy is very healing (pun intended) it is good for all aspects of your life.

 

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))

[Ever]

awwww - Roy sounds lovely.   I remember telling the doctor that the anti-histamine had made me much much worse.   He said that was impossible.   I now know why.   sigh.....   Glad all that is past for me now - my sinuses are pretty good these days.   alaskamom - please look into probiotics - those antibiotics wreak havoc - they caused me to get Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - took me years and years to beat it. 

[alaskamom]

Cymbaltawithdrawal, I began the B12 a year ago after seeing a naturopath for fatigue and hormonal stuff. I wasn't actively tapering and had no idea what was going on. Hadn't joined PP or this board yet. I was sooooo tired and living on caffeine. She wanted to boost energy level. It helped along with bio identical hormones. Once I began tapering, the energy problem was fixed. Almost too much so! I was scared to change anything so I kept taking the shots. Now I am hyper/borderline anxious/restless/not sleeping well, so I am stopping. I worry I will be super tired again like a slug but I am tired of being on edge and a mess.

 

What did Atarax do? The doc also gave me a steroid nasal spray I used for a bit until it made me eat like a horse, sweat like a pig and shriek like a shrew. The antihistamine is Vistaril /hydroxyzine Hcl. A couple years ago, I landed in ER after having an anxiety attack for two weeks and my pdoc gave me this as needed to calm down. I rarely use it. Only when desperate and mostly 1/4 to 1/2 tab. It is no addictive.

 

I had no idea this head stuff could be withdrawal!

[alaskamom]

Forced myself to workout yesterday after being off 4-5 days for sickness. Began Insanity:Max30 with my eldest daughter. It's -34 here so we are trying to stay home and missed Zumba. I was dizzy and weak but I kept moving and it did elevate my mood a bit. Roy also kept us distracted with wanting lots of ball, snacks,and belly rubs.

 

Brass monkey, doggie therapy is the best!

[Rhiannon]

Hi A.M.

 

I saw your post in another thread and replied to it there, but in order to not derail that topic, I wanted to bring my reply back over here in case you want to discuss it further.  Here's the quote of your post and my reply:

 

alaskamom, on 26 Jan 2015 - 09:17 AM, said:

Well, managed to sleep well and deeply last night, but noticed when I awoke my dread/panic was worse than ever before    DH says maybe I just can't get off this drug ever...

 

Usually this means you're going too fast and need to take a nice long hold. If you're having symptoms, don't cut again until things have settled down and been pretty good for a couple of weeks.

 

Holds are important; our bodies heal at their own pace, and often if we are cutting on a schedule, we get ahead of our body's ability to heal.  (You wouldn't tell a broken bone that it had to heal by exactly 10% every four weeks, right? You let it heal how it heals.)

 

A hold allows your healing to catch up with the tapering you've already done.

 

But that's getting away from the subject of this thread. I'll copy and repost this over in your thread so if you want to continue on this subject we can do it there.

[alaskamom]

Rhi, this is a good reminder. The dizziness, etc. has been coming and going, rather than just staying around. I hope it means I am stabilizing, but worried it is the new "shape" of Paxil I have and I won't tolerate it well. I hate to slow the taper as I feel I am losing somehow.... Don't want to feel bad and make my poor family suffer though. Maybe try another week or two on this dose

[alaskamom]

No B12 for a week... Sleeping a bit better, reduced morning dread. Energy level good. I will have to wait and see if energy holds when my hormones drop two weeks into my cycle when I feel like the walking dead. Feel like an addict with the B12. Love the energy, hate the edginess....

[alaskamom]

oops double post

[brassmonkey]

Hi AM--  according to the charts 5mg and below is the area where the smallest change in dose makes the biggest change in the drugs effectiveness.  It is actually proactive to start making smaller changes now, taking charge of the situation not being controlled by it.  Give each dose it's full 4-6 weeks too you're getting too close to rush things now.  Glad to hear that ditching the B12 is making you feel better.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Rhiannon]

Rhi, this is a good reminder. The dizziness, etc. has been coming and going, rather than just staying around. I hope it means I am stabilizing, but worried it is the new "shape" of Paxil I have and I won't tolerate it well. I hate to slow the taper as I feel I am losing somehow.... Don't want to feel bad and make my poor family suffer though. Maybe try another week or two on this dose

 

Yep, people often have that "going slower is losing" feeling issue. I can relate. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around the necessity (and advantages) of tapering slowly. 

 

You have to get past that if you want to actually get off these meds. Going at the pace your body can handle is the only way to win, and we don't get to pick that speed arbitrarily or based on some formula. Only your body knows what it is. Your body knows what it can and can't handle, and how much time it needs. Your body is the four billion year old doctor, the only real expert here, and the only way to "win" is to listen to it and work with it so you can actually really get off these meds for real without crashing and burning.

 

The great thing is, as you get to lower doses, the drugs will be affecting you less, so you don't have to wait until you're off them to get most of yourself and your life back. Try focusing less on the "end goal" and more on the goal of good quality of life, enjoying your family, enjoying yourself here and now.

[Ever]

alaskamom - please please heed Rhi's advice.   I have learnt the hard way.   I've just lost at least six months time by going too fast and having to re-instate.   It's hard to get your head around going slower and with MUCH smaller drops, but please please do that.    You don't want to waste all your hard work getting this far only to have to go backwards and start all over again.  Or perhaps get worse! 

 

I'm now down to 3.2mg and I have to keep getting my head around the fact that it just may take another 4 years to get off.  Maybe not - but I'm no longer going to risk going backwards.   And meanwhile, I'm feeling great!  So who cares if it takes longer.  

 

lotslove XXXXXX

[alaskamom]

I slept well last night! Yay! B12 must be gone, but I am groggy and sleepy today. Guess my body will adjust to that too eventually. Craving the caffeine. Rather have that than super hyper ness you can't get rid of!

 

Well, my sinus thing/withdrawal head is back. Dizzy, eyes won't focus at times, vertigo, can't read at times, feels like my brain is slipping around in there. No pain or anxiety, but it is slowing me down and I can't work out which bums me out.

 

Drinking Shakeology as it has probiotics and prebiotics to help me recover from the antibiotic.

 

Nice Sunday. Chilling and watching the Kitten Bowl and Super Bowl.

[alaskamom]

Note: will slow this taper and take a couple more weeks at this dose. Brain needs time to catch up!

[Ever]

Very glad you're going to slow it alaskamom.      Good one!

[LostInTheWoods]

Well, my sinus thing/withdrawal head is back. Dizzy, eyes won't focus at times, vertigo, can't read at times, feels like my brain is slipping around in there. No pain or anxiety, but it is slowing me down and I can't work out which bums me out.

This, a million times! I have had ongoing sinus problems because of a badly deviated septum and mixed with paxil WD it is exactly this, also the unconfortability of suddenly turning my head too. I've just went through surgery last week. I wish I were already fully healthy but I guess recovery just doesn't happen instantly.

 

Do you know if antihistaminics worsen this symptoms? I'm questioning whether I should stop clorphenamine or not.

 

Huge props for that wild minion avatar. The bad mood, the unfocused look, the wrecked mouth, both arms hanging low, almost as if they were dead weight... that is how a bad WD day feels like.

[alaskamom]

Lostinthewoods, I've been on antihistamines for years - maybe 20 or more?? and they just don't seem to be working anymore.  I've done it all:  allergy tests, meds (bleck), netipot, nasal sprays, steam, hot compress, SeaBands for nausea, motion sickness meds, etc....  Haven't heard of clorphenamine...  I've taken Claritin/Zyrtec/Allergra and then Benadryl, as well as Singulair which blocks the response differently.  I take a super antihistamine at times for anxiety called Hydroxyzine HCL which chills you out/makes you sleepy.  It helps with the withdrawal symptoms.  Not sure if this would be the same for clorphenamine, but maybe if it is the same class??  

 

Yes, the purple minion is me on Paxil or in withdrawal.  I totally look like that sometimes

 

Finally went to the doc again yesterday as my antibiotic and treatment haven't helped with the sinus/head pain.  Getting a CT scan on Monday.  Hopefully, it will put my mind at ease that it is not a tumor and just whacked sinuses.  I would do just about anything to not be dizzy and sick.  What surgery did you have?  They are talking abut scoping my sinuses...

 

I know withdrawal messes with this too which complicates it, but I will not tell the docs anything about that as they will think I am nuts.

 

BTW, felt better for 3 days, then the next day felt as bad as I did when I went to the ER for pain - back to ground zero.

 

Want to work out, but the dizziness makes me trip and fall over, etc....  I may do some yoga, unless it makes my head hurt more.  Dumb doc I saw yesterday just shared an anecdotal story about his sinuses for a few months upsetting him and doesn't realize I am a veteran of the sinus wars and this is beyond your typical head cold.  My vision is blurry at times and I can't read sometimes.  Oh well.

 

-44 today here!  Took the girls to volleyball games (yes, they hold them to -60 below!) and need to spend some time lesson planning for the week, as well as facing our taxes.

[alaskamom]

Oh, interesting experiments going on here.   Few nights ago, took two Magnesium capsules at bedtime and slept soundly, woke up at 5, but had less of my morning freakout/dread at 5 am.  No grogginess, etc.  Last night, I didn't take any Magnesium until my 4 am wake-up/begin freakout.  Laid down and rested for a little bit and actually FELL ASLEEP until 7 am and awoke without morning dread/freakout!

 

This may not sound like a big deal, but when I wake at 4 or 5 am, I have to stay up or if I fall back asleep, my morning dread/anxiety is worse than ever.  So, I get up and get moving and end up being ready for bed at 7 or 8 pm - which is not great for the family or DH.

 

Sleeping until 7 am let me get a little more under my belt, so I can stay up later, and I did not have my morning terrors!

 

Will try to recreate this tomorrow morning!  Excited.

[Ever]

Magnesium is good stuff alaskamom.  Fingers crossed for you.

[alaskamom]

So - epic fail on the magnesium front.  Can it make you as mean as a snake?  Well, something did this weekend...  So I discontinued last night.  Had the morning dread and woke every couple hours, but refrained from feeling murderous toward my DH and everyone else.

 

Did have some fun visitors to the yard this weekend.  It's been -44, so we have two moose that have moved into the neighborhood - dining on our trees and shrubs....

[Ever]

awwwww - cooooool moose!   How awesome to have in your backyard Alaskamom!

 

Gosh - that sounds weird about the magnesium - what sort Is it?  Anything else in it?

[aberdeen]

I love that you have moose in your yard! People assume life is that way here because we live in Canada, but canada is big, there are no backyard mooses in my parts, and as far as I know i thought they were scared of us,lol. Sorry to hear about the experiment fail. Maybe it was a fluke and it will work. Dont give up! i know what morning dread is like, its awful....I hope it goes away for you soon. As you recover you wuill find this improves...i had it really strong for many months after my crash off effexor and attempts to try other ad's. I thought it might be from my paxil taperin but it wasnt...because now that Im in the lower doses, where people tend to have more trouble...my morning dread is almost non existant...and when its gets "bad" its still nothing like it was...basically its been improving the further away i get from those crashes/switches. It will pass.