Drummerseve: im guessing im going through effexor withdrawal?

[drummerseve]

Ur dead right he is. Why do u think i wanted to lose my ****? Haha. Id love for these doctors to take a benzo for a yr and then try and stop cold turkey and we'll see if its in his or her head. Infuriating.

[drummerseve]

Btw im Mike. Lol everyone calls me steve becuz my handle is drummers eve. Read quick looks like drummersteve.

[Frustrated]

Your doctor sounds a whole lot like mine. I stopped telling my doctor anything about myself or my son with regard to our meds and withdrawal. It is so sad that we are on our own when we bloody have doctors. So sorry.

[drummerseve]

Please, dont be sorry. Its them who should be sorry if anything.

[Wildflower0214]

Thanks guys. The last cpl days have been better. Since going back to 1mg my symptoms have calmed down. Today i went in to let my dr know what was going on amd that i wanted to switch to .5 twicw a day and he ok'd it but that wasnt before he told me that :

"Its all in my head", "taking a 1/4 out will not give me any side effects", "1mg is too low a dose to get side effects". He said hes never dealt with anyone ever havin a problem stopping these drugs. And theres no way i was withdrawing from 2mg of an AD. So instantly i wanted to beat him to a pulp. I kept my **** together and went to the pharmacy. I had a good talk with the pharmacist and he said the exact opposite. I was relieved to hear that but then he told me takin a ten percent drop when i decide to (in the future when im stable) is pointless and its just me being obsessive. ****....what a day. If i didnt have a supportive family and gf and people like u guys id feel quiye alone. These people are so uninformed.

Be GLAD you found us BEFORE you heard that from your dr. When all of this happened they told me I was having a nervous breakdown. I believed them, knew nothing about WD, went to next dr who threw supplements at me which made me feel like I was on an illegal street drug... This went on for 6 months. I was literally losing my ****, and being told it was all in my head. I didn't figure it out till like 10 months into this. Lol

 

I'm just glad you found your way here in time!

[Wildflower0214]

Oh, and your dr is a ...... I can't say things like that on here.

 

He sounds like every psych I've ever heard of.

[Ever]

I like my doctor and have a lot of respect for him in other areas, but he just hasn't a clue about this stuff. Sigh.......

[moodyblues78]

Btw im Mike. Lol everyone calls me steve becuz my handle is drummers eve. Read quick looks like drummersteve.

 

What are you trying to say, Steve? 

[drummerseve]

Lmfao!

[Skyler]

Oops... cute Mike, Brownie anyone?

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

Btw im Mike. Lol everyone calls me steve becuz my handle is drummers eve. Read quick looks like drummersteve.

 

What are you trying to say, Steve? 

 

 

 

MB you devil!

[drummerseve]

Brownie? Haha 8? im lost.

[Skyler]

Brownie? Haha 8? im lost.

 

Hehehehe.... look at my pic!  And no, this is not my company, I just think the idea is kind of cute.. and I love love love living in VT.   Don't know what the 'Haha 8' refers to.

[drummerseve]

It was just supposed to say haha. 8 was a typo haha.

[drummerseve]

So i thought id check in with you guys. Its been 10 days since i reinstated my low dose of effexor and taking the full 1mg of K. I havent had any changes is symptoms. Not fein any better. Im pretty sure im in a depression. I feel like death daily. Dread from the moment i get up till i go to bed. Sleep hasn't been good. Wanna stay in bed all day. Been forcing myself to go to the gym and take my pup out in the snow. Anxiety is as high as ever and the suicidal thoughts are overwhelming. I feelin pretty hopeless. Lookin for the day i feel better.

[wantrelief]

I am right there with you.  I am so sorry you are feeling so badly.  "Feeling like death" is a good way to describe this.  I keep saying I feel sick but death is more descriptive.  I also have been feeling like what it might be like to have a lobotomy as I feel part of my brain has shut down.  It is amazing you have been going to the gym - i can't even imagine trying to work out right now (although maybe I should try)….do you feel any better after going to the gym?  From what I read it can take quite awhile to stabilize so we must be patient and hope that it will work for us as it has others before us.  But it is so damn hard in the meantime to keep living this way, isn't it?  

[bubble]

I'm sorry guys. This is all so very, very hard.

 

Unfortunately, I've seen people getting even worse if they continue to mess up with the drugs. Staying put and patiently enduring is the best bet.

 

Things will get better for sure. But after all the things we did to our brains we just have to allow it all the time it needs to regrow. It's amazing that it has this ability.

 

While waiting we have to try and do everything to help it by giving it as much stability as possible. I've seen it so many times how stability heals and not a particular dose, especially looking for one. This produces a totally opossite effect.

 

It was very, very hard for me to accept that initially. We all want to DO something, anything to make this awful pain go away or at least reduce. But then I experienced what I call the miracle of a hold when things got better just because I managed not to do anything (with the drug).

 

I was doing a lot to deal with the fear that things will stay like this forever or that they will get worse. Thinking like that is also a symptom. Our thoughts are not really reliable at this time. That's why reading the thread about neuroemotions was saving me.

 

Also windows and waves. For me it was very important to notice that windows at first didn't come as days of back to normality. Or not even back to normality. But there were, initially just moments, when symptoms would subside and I felt relief like when a cramp of physical pain goes away. Only to come back again but also goes away again. That was windows and waves for me. Tiny, small moments of relief. Accepting that for some time I just can't function like before and stop comparing my functioning at that moment with before or with others. Also stop projecting it into the future-another neuro emotion.

 

Maybe it was a bit easier for me to accept it because I felt very guilty about what I did to my bran:CT 2 drugs after being on drugs for 14 years. Then rejecting calls for help from my brain for 40 days as I resisted giving it the drug back. I was aware that I treated my brain most cruelly so was able to be very patient with it and actually grateful that it didn't act even worse on me but that it forgave me and once I started treating it fairly, it responded with small acts of great kindness-relief.

 

Do you have moments like that, hower short, when you feel things are less hard?

 

Steve/Mike I think we mentioned how even the slightly vigorous exercising increases cortisol which increases anxiety. I believe you have reduced the intensity but maybe you could experiment with reducing even further or even stopping for a while to see if it affects your anxiety. Our brain is so raw that every little things affects it so it's so important to treat it as gently as possible. I can't suggest yoga to a drummer of course but warm-up stretching and walking the pup might be enough for the time being. Just temporarily.

 

We probably asked you this already:are you taking any magnesium?

 

So much from me If I could get better, there is absolutely no reason that you don't. I told wantrelief how after all the atrocities I did to my brain it took 4 months and then another 6 before going to (almost) how I felt before. It's a lot of time but it happens. And it's not that all 4 months in my case were 24/7 hell. I actually might have seen them that way. It would've been very easy to overlook those tiny moments of relief. The general and prevailing picture was as you describe but I lived from one brief moment to the next and focused on them instead of my overall bad functioning and overall agony.

 

You will get there.

[drummerseve]

I am right there with you.  I am so sorry you are feeling so badly.  "Feeling like death" is a good way to describe this.  I keep saying I feel sick but death is more descriptive.  I also have been feeling like what it might be like to have a lobotomy as I feel part of my brain has shut down.  It is amazing you have been going to the gym - i can't even imagine trying to work out right now (although maybe I should try)….do you feel any better after going to the gym?  From what I read it can take quite awhile to stabilize so we must be patient and hope that it will work for us as it has others before us.  But it is so damn hard in the meantime to keep living this way, isn't it?  

I only went a cpl times and i felt good when i was there. I didnt push too hard. it was more just setting a small goal and following through. Trying to get out of my house and way from my bed. It was minus 15 here yesterday so it was hard to be outside in general but my goals for the day were gym and get to the park with my dog for a half hr. Im pretty sure ive become completely depressed becuz of all of this. Its taken a toll but the only option i have is to push through it and hope it will fade.

[drummerseve]

I'm sorry guys. This is all so very, very hard.

 

Unfortunately, I've seen people getting even worse if they continue to mess up with the drugs. Staying put and patiently enduring is the best bet.

 

Things will get better for sure. But after all the things we did to our brains we just have to allow it all the time it needs to regrow. It's amazing that it has this ability.

 

While waiting we have to try and do everything to help it by giving it as much stability as possible. I've seen it so many times how stability heals and not a particular dose, especially looking for one. This produces a totally opossite effect.

 

It was very, very hard for me to accept that initially. We all want to DO something, anything to make this awful pain go away or at least reduce. But then I experienced what I call the miracle of a hold when things got better just because I managed not to do anything (with the drug).

 

I was doing a lot to deal with the fear that things will stay like this forever or that they will get worse. Thinking like that is also a symptom. Our thoughts are not really reliable at this time. That's why reading the thread about neuroemotions was saving me.

 

Also windows and waves. For me it was very important to notice that windows at first didn't come as days of back to normality. Or not even back to normality. But there were, initially just moments, when symptoms would subside and I felt relief like when a cramp of physical pain goes away. Only to come back again but also goes away again. That was windows and waves for me. Tiny, small moments of relief. Accepting that for some time I just can't function like before and stop comparing my functioning at that moment with before or with others. Also stop projecting it into the future-another neuro emotion.

 

Maybe it was a bit easier for me to accept it because I felt very guilty about what I did to my bran:CT 2 drugs after being on drugs for 14 years. Then rejecting calls for help from my brain for 40 days as I resisted giving it the drug back. I was aware that I treated my brain most cruelly so was able to be very patient with it and actually grateful that it didn't act even worse on me but that it forgave me and once I started treating it fairly, it responded with small acts of great kindness-relief.

 

Do you have moments like that, hower short, when you feel things are less hard?

 

Steve/Mike I think we mentioned how even the slightly vigorous exercising increases cortisol which increases anxiety. I believe you have reduced the intensity but maybe you could experiment with reducing even further or even stopping for a while to see if it affects your anxiety. Our brain is so raw that every little things affects it so it's so important to treat it as gently as possible. I can't suggest yoga to a drummer of course but warm-up stretching and walking the pup might be enough for the time being. Just temporarily.

 

We probably asked you this already:are you taking any magnesium?

 

So much from me If I could get better, there is absolutely no reason that you don't. I told wantrelief how after all the atrocities I did to my brain it took 4 months and then another 6 before going to (almost) how I felt before. It's a lot of time but it happens. And it's not that all 4 months in my case were 24/7 hell. I actually might have seen them that way. It would've been very easy to overlook those tiny moments of relief. The general and prevailing picture was as you describe but I lived from one brief moment to the next and focused on them instead of my overall bad functioning and overall agony.

 

You will get there.(

Ok, lol.  Which question to answer first.  About the magnesium.... No, I havent been asked.  I had actually asked(I cant remember who, I think I pm'd Alto) if adding supplements was a bad idea cuz i thought i had read somewhere on here that its not a good idea to add anything else during the course.  I could be wrong tho.  I was, a few weeks ago, taking 3-4000 fish oil and 800 magnesium citrate but then stopped when i read that it can conflict with what im going through.  About the yoga..... Im open to anything to be honest.  I do find drumming to be my yoga.  I am waiting to see a therapist and a naturopath next week.  Two seperate appointments. My therapist, who i saw for a while over a cpl yrs ago, for a few months recommended I see this lady becuz supposedly a lot of his patients see her and they hes noticed a dramatic improvement in them. Hell, Ill give it a shot.  Id like to work on my underlying anxiety and ocd issue anyways. Btw i never had these ocd symptoms until i started tapering. Theyre very new to me and i friggin hate em.

 

"Are there times when you're feeling less hard?" (thats what she said  ) Yes, i do have these moments. In fact right now im doing pretty good. I notice i feel much better when the sun is out.  Im also keepin a journal of my sleep, emotions, symptoms and rating them out of ten just to refer to.  My main problems are as soon as i wake and when the sun goes down i dread the night time because im mainly alone with my thoughts. I realize im causing a lot of anxiety by anticipating more anxiety but im caught in a vicious cycle which i will be working on.  When i get home from work its dark and as soon as i walk in my door it starts. My safe haven has turned into the opposite.

 

Anyway, Im not messin with the meds. Im staying put for as long as i have to and tryin to take em at the same time every day. Im also trying to work on not worrying about finding an answer to absolutely everything and just letting it happen and deal with it as it comes.  I know im gonna get better.  Sometimes i have a very hard time believing it tho becuz of the state im in. I really do appreciate the support and the conversation. Also, Im gonna check out the thread you suggested. Thanks again  MIke(Steve)

[Ever]

So how you doin drummer?   Hope you are absent because you're busy doing something that distracts you from this stuff.  Or feeling better....  

[drummerseve]

Im alright.... i think? Haha. Im still struggling. Waves and windows like they say. The klonopin doesnt help me at all. Not one bit. Sometimes it feels like it causes me anxiety. (Sounds crazy, i know) i have some appointments coming up that im looking forward to. I feel like im just complaining too much sometimes so i try to just accept it and deal with everyday as it comes. Thanks for askin, Ever.

[Broken]

I'm tapering klonopin myself at the moment after 6 weeks. Tried to stop at the weekend felt awful today, was advised to reinstate at half the dose. 6 weeks and I've become dependent already? I was on diazepam previously.

 

From one drummer to another, hope you're feeling better mate.

[drummerseve]

Ur sig sounds similar in ways to mine. Right now my anxiety is so so but all this **** has lead me into what im pretty sure is depression. Ive lost interest in everything including my girlfriend, can barely get out of bed, etc. Ive never had depression. Ive suffered anxiety but now im battling a few different wars. I don't know how to snap out of it. I feel that antidepressants and benzos have literally almost ruined my life so the thought of having to go back on one again only to go through this **** again in ten yrs is enough to make me feel hopeless and kinda scared. Im still taking 5 beads of EFXR and 1mg of K. 5 ******* beads! "Are u kidding me?" Is what I think everyday. Pretty much 1 mg of AD has a grip on my whole life right now. Im just angry at these ******* drs and meds. Getting fed up. I just wanna be myself again.  I apologize for the anger but im struggling pretty bad still and its frustrating as hell.

[Ever]

This is your thread drummer - you complain, rant, rave, as much as you like .  

 

The depression stinks, and I always found there was nothing much I could do to help - but try keep remembering that it is NOT YOU - it's just a symptom of withdrawal and it will go away.   Just keep doing things like exercising gently, eating as good as you can manage, sleeping - you know - all those things we're supposed to do and then when the 'withdrawal depression' alleviates, you're in a much better, healthier position to keep getting better and you won't ever have to go back on drugs again.

 

Important - remember the depression is not who you are - it's just wd.   I know that's difficult when it's right there and you want to die etc etc, but it really is just a symptom.    A couple of months ago I just wanted to be dead - the wd depression was appalling.   Now, I'm just absolutely fine - it's all gone.   Like I said - it's not you, it's wd.

[Broken]

Are you still playing the drums?

 

I had to stop in August because of my physical symptoms, haven't picked up sticks since. I have a rehearsal on Thursday night to see if I can return as my replacement quit, for health reasons oddly enough.

 

If I'm being honest I'm dreading it.

[drummerseve]

Ever, ive been back on the beads and 1 mg of K for to weeks now. Nothing has changed. I think i fucked myself hard by stopping the effexor and cutting the benzo down a quarter. This all seemed to happen when i did that. But ive reinstated almost 2 weeks ago now.

[drummerseve]

Broken, yeah i still drum. I dont have really any physical symptoms. My main symptoms are mental like depression, anxiety. Ups and downs of hopelessness and bad thoughts. Playing music takes my mind off of these things for a bit but i obviously cant play music all day. My job makes it hard too cuz im alone for 5-8 hrs with just my thoughts.

[Broken]

I know the feeling, it can be tough when your capable of functioning at work on autopilot and you're left to your own devices. It can be very destructive if you allow it.

 

Drums used to be my only real escape from my mental health and the general stressors you come up against daily in life. I was devastated when I developed PGAD, it's by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

 

Only I still have the existing anxiety and depression that was present before hand, PGAD has only complicated my mental and physical health further. I'm essentially fucked.

 

I say it often but if it weren't for my wife and three children I'd have taken my own life months ago.

[Broken]

I pray it subsides, really I do. I don't think I'll ever be able to move on until it does, life feels static at the moment.

 

The hardest thing to come to terms with is that my physical symptoms might never abate.

[Broken]

Kind of high jacked your thread there, I can be incredibly pessimistic and depressing at times (most of the time).

 

Apologies

[drummerseve]

Dont apologize at all man. You've been through hell and Its understandable. Keep going man. Dont ever give up. I can understand how u feel cuz i fight as hard as i can to make it through every day. We're obviously two completely different scenarios but we deal with a lot of the same stuff. Its the hardest thing ive ever dealt with. Tomo i see a naturopath along with my therapist on saturday. I got a referral to The anxiety treatment and research centre St Josephs in Ontario about an hr from my house. Thank god for O.H.I.P.

[dalsaan]

 

"Are there times when you're feeling less hard?" (thats what she said  ) Yes, i do have these moments. In fact right now im doing pretty good. I notice i feel much better when the sun is out MIke(Steve)

 

Have you thought of or tried light therapy?

 

D

[drummerseve]

No, I haven't yet but i was talkin to a girl at work today about it. Thinkin about tryin it. Not to sound negative but I think my troubles are far beyond that type of therapy considering what im dealing with. When I said that I meant it helped becuz its been so gloomy and wet out lately that the days we have sun are refreshing and nice to see. I try and get outside with my dog or go stand in the sun until im too cold. Haha. Sometimes at work when its dead ill stand in the parking lot with the sun on my face for 10 to 15 mins too. I think i have a bit of seasonal depression. Nothing bad but just don't feel myself. But i might go buy a lamp and try it out.

[Wildflower0214]

Hey there...how you feeling?

[drummerseve]

Im pretty rough to be honest, JD. I tried a taper of my klonopin a cpl weeks ago and it fuct me up good. I thought I was going slow but it wasn't and it was also too soon to try another taper. Ive been pretty depressed and my sleep is really messed up. Struggling a lot to be honest. Recently started having pains in the left side of my chest too. Not sure if its interdose wd symptoms or just anxiety from the way im feeling. Either way, I hate it. Right now im spreading my dose 4 times throughout the day of K(.25mg) and still at 5 beads of Effexor.  How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in a while.

[Wildflower0214]

Im pretty rough to be honest, JD. I tried a taper of my klonopin a cpl weeks ago and it fuct me up good. I thought I was going slow but it wasn't and it was also too soon to try another taper. Ive been pretty depressed and my sleep is really messed up. Struggling a lot to be honest. Recently started having pains in the left side of my chest too. Not sure if its interdose wd symptoms or just anxiety from the way im feeling. Either way, I hate it. Right now im spreading my dose 4 times throughout the day of K(.25mg) and still at 5 beads of Effexor. How are you doing? I haven't talked to you in a while.

I feel like horsesh*t. Thanks for asking. I'm coming up on a year anniversary of losing my job and my mind. Remembering that is always encouraging...not so much.

 

I'm sorry you feel so awful. Are you living alone or do you have support? I know this is really hideous, but you are gonna make it! And, honestly you really are fortunate that you made your way here in time to reinstate. But, I know it's terrible, and I'm so sorry for you. This is the most inhumane thing anyone could endure.

 

I'm always around if ya need some support. I really hope you feel better soon.

 

I just wanna wake up when this is over.