success ☼ scottly9999: Lexapro nightmare

[scottly9999]

Hello all S.A. members - and esp those that have been reading my thread...

I'm really sorry I've not been able to post as much lately.
I haven't really had a lot of changes, but when I look back - I have.

 

The process is SO SLOW, and it plays tricks on your mind, and your progress, or lack of progress is extremely slippery in your mind - you really need to journal it.

 

The fact that I haven't been inclinded to write much at all lately is testament that I am indeed getting better.

I really don't think about withdrawal much these days - it's not debilitating.

However, I am struck with a general malaise and somewhat depressed mood - the anxiety isn't as strong as it was, but the changes are so gradual (now compared to when I was tapering).
I don't seem to have the mood swings much anymore.

 

I'm am most def struggling with a sense of existential crisis - much like I was in most of withdrawal and before starting withdrawal years ago - it was breaking through the cloudy mess of my mind while still on Lexapro - but it was breaking down and pooping out at the time.

 

The nuanced emotions are returning, however, so is a sense of insecurity about myself and identity - things that I struggled with a bit before being PUT on an SSRI - for what was a very short term - external reason.
i feel like I "went to sleep" as a old young adult (even though I was 33 or so, but fairly naive and 'young' in attitude) - and have woken 8-10 years later in middle age - and finding my identity again.
I don't really identify as a middle aged person - and it's not like I'm trying to stay young either - I have a young face and young personality and OFTEN have people in their 20's shocked at my age - 43.  They say I don't seem it in every way.  It is a compliment for sure.

 

So now I'm in a place where I'm still feeling the effects of withdrawal - as hobbies that I was interested in - seem fairly hollow and empty, and even new ones I've acquired are a struggle to be motivated about.

I always used to be quite INTO my hobbies and interests.

Now I have a nagging feeling that just out of sight in my subconscious is a looming danger - something that is wrong with my life.   As in it feels much more empty than I remember it feeling before starting SSRI's - yes I have lost my Mum and Dad and I'm an only child - so it's sent a tear through my subconscious mind that has altered me completely, but something feels different again to just that alone.

 

I'm not as afraid of this as I once was - in early stages of withdrawal was just horrific!

 

Also with the returning emotions, is the mental ability coming back... but slowly and in fits and starts, or waves and windows.

 

I have def had a few lovely windows - lasted a few days where I wasn't bothered by my situation, and felt more comfortable in my own skin - I have had a couple of these now - but they have been fairly spread out, and more of a gradual Window and then waning again... usually feeling quite a bit worse afterwards.

 

It is very much like a pendulum that has been taken to it's extreme - and it just has to swing back and forth to find it's equilibrium again.

Again - it's so difficult to know if it's withdrawal or midlife crisis or changed life circumstances or what... or combo of all the above!

Also - I'm finding myself REALLY trying to ACCEPT the negative emotions, allow them to reside in me - knowing that I am more than that feeling... and that it has a right to be there - don't have to LIKE it, but ALLOW it.

I found the more I was able to do that - my longest window came about.

 

I still feel somewhat pessimestic about my life and future - in that my family above me (as in elders)- all gone... I have 2 kids (1 step son) who will eventually move out of home, and I have a lovely wife, but it somehow doesn't feel enough!  I've got a few GREAT friends (we don't see each other as often as I'd like), and making new ones all the time, but again NOT ENOUGH!  It's like somehow I've been exposed, or THOUGHT about my reality in a way that now I've "thought" about it - I can't seem to move past it, or think about an alternative.

I NEVER thought that way about myself in the past, even in times of pretty bad depression too... so there is something about it that is different that tells me it's likely to be WD.

I can't seem to work out - is this a REAL fear of mine that has been un-earthed by withdrawal?  Or is it withdrawal?  Or what?

I can't seem to work it out - I don't obsess the same about it, but do struggle with it.

Anyway - I am doing better - overall in a general sense.

I'm reading some books on various topics and trying to work out what weeds need to be worked on and removed from my mind.  It is a good time to take stock I guess.

[Audrey88]

Hello, I found your story very interesting , especially when you mentioned the existential crisis . I was told by my therapist recently that I am going through one as well, It freaks me out because I feel so alone with this. Can you tell me different feelings you are having with this? Thank you.

[scottly9999]

14 hours ago, Audrey88 said:

Hello, I found your story very interesting , especially when you mentioned the existential crisis . I was told by my therapist recently that I am going through one as well, It freaks me out because I feel so alone with this. Can you tell me different feelings you are having with this? Thank you.

Hi Aubrey

 

It's actually quite difficult to describe accurately.

The feelings really are quite fundamental to depression itself.

Questioning everything... My relationships my family.. and really quite struggling with my lack of family outside my immediate wife, daughter and stepson... There is none.

I have a distant uncle.

My stepson has a girlfriend who is almost part of the family now...

But I am struggling with obsessive thoughts of what if I lost all that.... And just can't seem to cope with it.. therefore the fear grows.

It's very fundamental really.

The feeling of possibly being so alone in the universe...

Also dealing with middle age, not being as young.. and seeing a few signs that I'm a bit older and not as relevant now.

But really these are just silly thoughts.

Withdrawal amplifies all this.

 

I do tend to ramble a bit so feel free to disregard what I've said.

 

It's a very difficult emotion to describe.

But struggling with identity, and a very insecure feeling about your own existence and life... And tending to dismiss all the positive.

 

I was doing somewhat ok for a while.

I seem to have been hit with a nasty wave.

 

I remember reading somewhere that waves come and go and somehow they feel a bit different each time

I do agree.. they do feel a bit different.

 

 

[Audrey88]

Hi yes I can relate to a lot of what you said, I have had those same feelings on and off  through my whole life. That's one reason why I started on the antidepressents in the first place. They did help to numb out mostly all of my feelings and make me feel zombie like. But now that I'm off of them all of those what is the meaning of life feelings came flooding back in with a lot of depression and anxiety. I too have a happy life , with a fiancé and a cat and a stable job but it didn't feel like enough. One thing that has really helped me is discovering my passion in life is to help others get off of these poison pills as well as signing up for all kinds of volunteer opportunities in my community. I read that one of the ways to find happiness in life is to give back to it in positive ways. Today I did a two hour beach clean up with this volunteer program and I felt a great sense of pride in myself afterwards. Reading motivational books also helps.  I hope this helps you.

[Altostrata]

How have the waves changed, scottly?

[scottly9999]

5 hours ago, Altostrata said:

How have the waves changed, scottly?

Hi Alto.

Thanks for stopping by.

It's really hard to know...

I def went through 8-10 months of pretty much continuous extreme anxiety and crippling depression

I started to see small windows here and there not for long but enough to give a bit of hope.

Then the waves would come again... And you would lose all hope.

Depression really is hopeLESS.

It lies to you.

 

So in summary it appears I'm getting some windows now.. but the transitions are hard to track.

I'm also processing my life situation too...

Having lost both parents and what that means to me... And also how whAt I thought was my eternal safe place in my family home feels threatened by my step son being so much more involved with his friends...

So it's a pending sense of more abandonment compounding losing my parents.

So much of my life has been revolved around the immediate family.. so I've been obsessing over what it would feel like to lose all that... And it becomes my every minute of every day.

That is my wave.

When a window comes it's sometimes difficult to comprehend how I could have felt the way I did in the wave.

Same for a window too.

 

The waves aren't quite so bad though as when I was first fully off all Lexapro.

 

It's almost impossible to distinguish the difference between withdrawal depression and if it's a real pain I need to address.

 

Thanks again for checking on me.

 

[manymoretodays]

Very happy to hear you're doing better.

 

I added our cheerful "here comes the sun" symbol ☼ to the title of your Intro topic, to show you're recovering.

 

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I hope you will add your story to our Recovery Success Stories eventually!

 

Congratulations scottly9999.  I am another Lexapro survivor(as they say).  Among other medications.

And applause for your patience and tapering!!!

 

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

manymoretodays

 

Edited May 13, 2018 by manymoretodays

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 5/9/2018 at 5:53 PM, scottly9999 said:

Again - it's so difficult to know if it's withdrawal or midlife crisis or changed life circumstances or what... or combo of all the above!

Bingo! That is a thought I struggle with. Hard to know when my mid-life crisis appeared (I had a brain tumor removed at 38 so that shifted the timetable). All I know is that I numbed out with alcohol, weed, and antidepressants finally for 14 years. At 51, and a year spent off of most of those things (there was cannabis until a few months ago), I wonder what is withdrawal and just formerly numbed depression. The high anxiety does seem related to withdrawal.  I find myself not interested in the things that brought me joy/distraction in the past. And I have lost many friends these years due to withdrawal and something else I can't figure out. It is sad and lonely. But there is only now and self-pity is not helpful. Just glad to read someone else thinking the same thing. Glad to hear you are improving!

[scottly9999]

On 5/14/2018 at 9:21 AM, FarmGirlWorks said:

Bingo! That is a thought I struggle with. Hard to know when my mid-life crisis appeared (I had a brain tumor removed at 38 so that shifted the timetable). All I know is that I numbed out with alcohol, weed, and antidepressants finally for 14 years. At 51, and a year spent off of most of those things (there was cannabis until a few months ago), I wonder what is withdrawal and just formerly numbed depression. The high anxiety does seem related to withdrawal.  I find myself not interested in the things that brought me joy/distraction in the past. And I have lost many friends these years due to withdrawal and something else I can't figure out. It is sad and lonely. But there is only now and self-pity is not helpful. Just glad to read someone else thinking the same thing. Glad to hear you are improving!

Wow yes.  You really go into a very strange parallel existence on these drugs - you're still here and doing stuff, but slowly your brain is changing underneath... and warps into a very strange shape while on the SSRI's - it can't stop it from being there, so grows and adapts to is presence... and we find ourselves on these forums struggling to understand ourselves and what is going on!!!

 

Extremely high anxiety and crippling depression have hit me extremely hard since fully stopping Lexapro.

To levels I've never experienced before in my life.

 

My thoughts on this change, and grow and adapt, and just like delicate streams of smoke coming off a sitting cigarette - sometimes quite clear and distinct, and other times quite diffuse and scattered.

Sometimes I have a mini revelation and it all makes sense!!!  And then it passes.

 

I remember reading the posts about people having to re-build after these drugs, and I get that now.

No stone is left unturned in the healing and damage... all the little bits that make up your personality and identity get mixed around.

Insecurity comes back, anhedonia hits hard (therefore lack of interest in normal stuff) and then you start to question lots of things.

 

Self pity doesn't help - sometimes youjust get stuck there.

 

I'm still better than I was 1 year ago, and although still suffering - better than 2 years ago.

 

[powerback]

Hi scottly good to hear your doing better ,you are correct about the depression it really does lie to you ,this point is made in one of the success stories [sorry cant remember who at the moment ].

I find the self pity trap hard to get out of sometimes but the fact I stick to healthier lifestyle at all times fills me with confidence  that I can persevere and dam man we have serious resilience .

I often run conversations over in my head about talking to my peer groups about my situation and a lot of there feelings on how do you put up with it would be based on very shallow things that I  will no longer ever worry about and I believe I have been forced to find a source of spirituality I never though about before .I still have a long way to go .

Routing for you my friend and keep well .

[scottly9999]

13 hours ago, powerback said:

Hi scottly good to hear your doing better ,you are correct about the depression it really does lie to you ,this point is made in one of the success stories [sorry cant remember who at the moment ].

I find the self pity trap hard to get out of sometimes but the fact I stick to healthier lifestyle at all times fills me with confidence  that I can persevere and dam man we have serious resilience .

I often run conversations over in my head about talking to my peer groups about my situation and a lot of there feelings on how do you put up with it would be based on very shallow things that I  will no longer ever worry about and I believe I have been forced to find a source of spirituality I never though about before .I still have a long way to go .

Routing for you my friend and keep well .

Hi PowerBack.

It's hard to remind yourself htat you ARE doing better - as depression is depression... and it's a varying scale of not good..

BUT yes, I am better - still a long way to go.

I'm still trying to see this as an opportunity to look at myself, and weed out some crap that I believe is at some of the core of my depression.

It's hard though - it eludes you.

 

Also hoping you see continued improvement - step by step!

 

[Happy2Heal]

hi Scottly,

I think I can relate to your "midlife crisis" 
I got thru my 40s and 50s on drugs, now at 62 I am wondering, where did my life go? did I miss it all in a drugged fog?

I suddenly wake up and I've aged and I didn't see it happening and it's a shock to me

 

all of what you mentioned about being alone in the universe and whatnot, I can so relate to that.

I have some family but we aren't close and don't see each other much at all.
However I see that a lot of ppl my age have a similar situation- parents gone, aunt, uncles too, and children busy with their lives, ppl moved away or also gone...

and you realize you really need your friends at this age.

I am trying to connect more in that way, and also cherish friendships with younger ppl who are less likely to up and die on me LOL sad I know to think that way but it does help me to not fall into a pit of "oh we're all old and dying", you know?

you are fortunate that you got off the drugs and still have so much more of your life left. I know it's still hard and I"m not saying this to diminish your feelings, they are quite valid but you likely do have a lot more years.

 

the way we look at things has a big impact too. If you're always thinking I"m an only child and that means__________ (fill in the blank) You are less likely to see the other things that being an only child can mean (more of your parent's attention devoted to you, for example) My daughter is an only child and married an only child.
She had benefits other kids didn't have. 

it's all in your perception

 

In some ways it can feel more alone and more painful to have many siblings but have no contact or relationship with them, for one example.

 

I guess this isn't super helpful, and is probably something I need to think about myself. I have an identical twin sister and always had a close and immediately available play mate and companion,

but she's busy with grandkids, kids and her husband and has almost no time for me, and it's left me feeling hurt, sad and sometimes angry....

but it was never her responsibility to be my constant companion, that's just a role that circumstances put her in as we were kids

and that she's grown out of, or moved beyond

and it's me who is still holding on to something that doesn't exist any more

and feeling cheated by the loss

 

but I should be feeling grateful that I had that for as long as I did, and take responsibility for finding companions now, 

instead of hoping and expecting her to fill that role and feeling disappointed and hurt and angry that she doesn't

 

hmm, I think your post has helped me sort things out and I've not really helped you much at all

 

sorry about that

😕

 

[direstraits]

3 hours ago, Happy2Heal said:

got thru my 40s and 50s on drugs, now at 62 I am wondering, where did my life go? did I miss it all in a drugged fog?

I suddenly wake up and I've aged and I didn't see it happening and it's a shock to me

wow.Ican really relate to this...it's scary isn't it.

[scottly9999]

On 5/17/2018 at 10:39 PM, Happy2Heal said:

hi Scottly,

I think I can relate to your "midlife crisis" 
I got thru my 40s and 50s on drugs, now at 62 I am wondering, where did my life go? did I miss it all in a drugged fog?

I suddenly wake up and I've aged and I didn't see it happening and it's a shock to me

 

all of what you mentioned about being alone in the universe and whatnot, I can so relate to that.

I have some family but we aren't close and don't see each other much at all.
However I see that a lot of ppl my age have a similar situation- parents gone, aunt, uncles too, and children busy with their lives, ppl moved away or also gone...

and you realize you really need your friends at this age.

I am trying to connect more in that way, and also cherish friendships with younger ppl who are less likely to up and die on me LOL sad I know to think that way but it does help me to not fall into a pit of "oh we're all old and dying", you know?

you are fortunate that you got off the drugs and still have so much more of your life left. I know it's still hard and I"m not saying this to diminish your feelings, they are quite valid but you likely do have a lot more years.

 

the way we look at things has a big impact too. If you're always thinking I"m an only child and that means__________ (fill in the blank) You are less likely to see the other things that being an only child can mean (more of your parent's attention devoted to you, for example) My daughter is an only child and married an only child.
She had benefits other kids didn't have. 

it's all in your perception

 

In some ways it can feel more alone and more painful to have many siblings but have no contact or relationship with them, for one example.

 

I guess this isn't super helpful, and is probably something I need to think about myself. I have an identical twin sister and always had a close and immediately available play mate and companion,

but she's busy with grandkids, kids and her husband and has almost no time for me, and it's left me feeling hurt, sad and sometimes angry....

but it was never her responsibility to be my constant companion, that's just a role that circumstances put her in as we were kids

and that she's grown out of, or moved beyond

and it's me who is still holding on to something that doesn't exist any more

and feeling cheated by the loss

 

but I should be feeling grateful that I had that for as long as I did, and take responsibility for finding companions now, 

instead of hoping and expecting her to fill that role and feeling disappointed and hurt and angry that she doesn't

 

hmm, I think your post has helped me sort things out and I've not really helped you much at all

 

sorry about that

😕

 

it's a funny thing - how these drugs work, they really do put you into a funny bubble - that although you sort of feel things - the range isn't there.

And the withdrawal process is reconnecting to the original parts of our minds and brains again - and calibrating it.

All while dealing with months of relentless strange emotions such as DPR and DRD and crippling depression.

 

I think that aspects of my life HAVE indeed changed since I went on the drugs, but the CORE part is still there.

AND it's also making me slowly realize that I was ALLOWING myself to feel content and happy previously - not NECESSARITLY the events of my life.

But how I was REACTING to those events.

It's a somewhat liberating and sometimes scary thing to think and slowly start to realize.

Along with it, comes acceptance - again and again, my mind keeps going back to that word.

Even when you're floating thorugh your life in a cloud of confused disconnectedness... you somehow have to accept it.

 

It IS helpful to read others perspectives on this stuff too - I like hearing it, knowing that we are all very similar, and not all alone with this.

 

Yes - you are right, most families are fairly fragmented and contact drifts.

 

I think it's only really hit me NOW what being an only child means - before it used to mean that people thought I was spoilt - now it means I'm much more alone than most people I know.

Most people have a brother or sister, or cousins or nephews etc...

yep - NONE of that.

I've got 1 uncle - who lives so far awaay - and doesn't drive.

 

I've been reaching out socially and making some new friends - although it takes time to develop the richness of connection... but I'm fiding it hard juggling all the people who want to catchup with me now!!!

ha ha.

I'm now starting to enjoy the moments of quiet, when I can just sit and read articles on my tablet, or ponder the latest board games that I'd like to get.

Which is good - that is how I used to be.

ENJOYED my own company MOST of the time, but not ALL the time.

 

i think my latest wave is easing off a bit now - feel a bit flat, but just boring Monday flat, as opposed to MY LIFE IS A WRECK feeling of flat previously!

thats SO MUCH BETTER!!!  ha ha.  Honestly it is.

 

 

[FarmGirlWorks]

On 5/20/2018 at 10:01 PM, scottly9999 said:

I guess this isn't super helpful, and is probably something I need to think about myself. I have an identical twin sister and always had a close and immediately available play mate and companion,

but she's busy with grandkids, kids and her husband and has almost no time for me, and it's left me feeling hurt, sad and sometimes angry....

but it was never her responsibility to be my constant companion, that's just a role that circumstances put her in as we were kids

and that she's grown out of, or moved beyond

and it's me who is still holding on to something that doesn't exist any more

and feeling cheated by the loss

 

but I should be feeling grateful that I had that for as long as I did, and take responsibility for finding companions now, 

instead of hoping and expecting her to fill that role and feeling disappointed and hurt and angry that she doesn't

Ah, this has been helpful for me, thanks for posting, @Happy2Heal. My family -- both adopted and biological -- are distant emotionally and physically. It is like being an only child but with the feeling of "obligation" to that family that is too busy with their lives for me. It is helpful to think of being glad they were there when they were and not expecting them to be now. Holding on to the hope that they might someday be (hahaha) is not what is happening right now and is a world of frustration, disappointment, and hurt. Letting go (in my mind) seems to be the only solution...

 

On 5/20/2018 at 10:01 PM, scottly9999 said:

In some ways it can feel more alone and more painful to have many siblings but have no contact or relationship with them, for one example. 

 This is so, so true!

 

Inspired that you are feeling better, @scottly9999!

[scottly9999]

update time!

Again - not an awful lot to report on.
Physically no real symptoms at all.

Mood wise more stable, still a baseline of a bit flatter than I'd like.
Have had a BIG dip just recently - lasted probably 7-10 days.

I just had a VERY big weekend, full of lots of fun activities, away from home and with new friends (within 1 year of meeting them) which is a pretty big thing to do.
But had a BALL.
Have come away simply exhausted, but really hit the spot.

It rejuvenated me emotionally.

I'm still battling with the way I see my life and how my current life is projected forwards.
In the loss of almost all family - except for immediate in the house - but facing the future prospect of the kids moving out (not for a while) but still playing on my mind.
And my wife being really very depressed herself.

We have had a few VERY deep chats of late, and she's starting to realize how depressed she has been (she knows she has been) but also starting to see HOW that affects the family - in that she pushes me away and shuts me out - and there isn't the warmth.
We have discussed it, and she is becoming more aware of that.
She is still on an anti-depressant, and has been for years.
I think it's pooped out, and not only isn't working, but added negative effects - like what I went through.

So it really is a perfect storm of setup in my life currently.

Wife emotionally distant.
Lack of family support.
eldest child getting closer to independance.
Middle age friends who are VERY hard to motivate to get together - aren't as "passionate" about our shared interests or hobbies much.
Meeting new friends, but craving the OLDER relationships, that seem to be fading a bit.

I'm read a good book "The 10 things to do when your life falls apart".
That is very good, but I'm only very early in - and I haven't stopped to do some of the thought provoking activities yet.

Those SSRI's really dull your inner voice, your subconscious to such an alarming degree - you really are in a bubble on those things.
But you cannot see it at the time.

I've had MANY interesting, and deep thoughts in the prevailing months - putting my thoughts in order, making sense of my life again.
It really is a re-build.
There are barely any parts of you that remain completely intact.
The anhedonia is really crippling at times, and SO SLOW to receed.
Along with it so many interests, and things you took for granted as cornerstones of your identity and innate inner being.

I think I'm still turning the corner - and progress is incredibly slow..
but my baseline is slowly rising - I'm getting those very low moments - and have had a few quite UP spells too - both lasting around 7-10 days apiece.

It really is a bit of a ramble trying to describe it.
It's very fluid and changes constantly, but slowly.

I've got a session booked with somebody to hopefully point me in the right direction about building a new inner world view and belief system that sets me in a healthier direction - so that I'm set for the next 30-40 years with a healthier outlook.

Currently I'm triggered by thoughts that my family and friendship group isn't enough - but what would be enough?
I can't seem to get to the bottom of that.

When I'm in a window, I don't seem to worry about it that much.

i really had no idea what was in store once I fully stopped the SSRI's - and really I did jump off too high a dose and tapered to quickly and only 6 weeks before I stopped, my Mum died (second parent) so that was EXTREMELY bad timing.

I'm sure the worst is over - but still a way to go yet... but it seems smoother - and I'm not lost at sea.
The windows give you assurance you'll be ok - and that you CAN feel normal and safe again.

[scottly9999]

Hiya All

I haven't replied much at all of late...

I'm finding I'm getting waves and windows pretty rapidly these days - and the waves aren't QUITE as deep or as long, and the windows just feel more and more normal - like me.

 

Again, I am hardly on this website anymore.

The difference from now to when I first found this website is HUGE - massive!

I still don't think I'm recovered yet.

There isn't a person at a finish line that hands out awards when you're "recovered".

There isn't a specific set of benchmarks to test yourself against and say "Yep - I'm recovered now"...

it happens in fits and starts - the waves and windows.

 

Basically in full withdrawal you're hit from ALL angles.

depression that is OFF THE CHARTS

Anxiety that physically grips your chest and won't let go

Insomnia

aches

pains

and anhedonia that is unrelenting that means you cannot just distract yourself with some activity to make the pain go away.

You are STUCK in it - and there is pretty much nothing that you can do to make it go away.

You have to learn to adapt - to learn compassion - to practice patience

Practice acceptance.

It doesn't make it go away - but it's either that or you'll go insane.

 

I've also had the double-whammy of dealing with suddenly becoming an orphan at 42 and having pretty much NO family left...

and a VERY sick uncle most of last year too.

 

I can honestly say that I can't think that I've "dealt" with my issues in any meaningful way - but they aren't destroying my happiness now.

 

I am trying to form the fears I'm still harbouring into "creatures" and TRYING to invite them in and welcome them, not run from them.

 

They are real human type fears - of isolation and abandonment... and my fears looking at my life situation and putting 2+2 together and realizing I'm almost living that life now!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!

 

However in saying that above, I also feel I have matured an AWFUL lot in the last 6 months in particular.

 

There have been a few things that have happened to me of late.

I really can't be bothered going into nitty gritty details, but this withdrawal has tested my marriage to it's limits!!!

However, it's making us stronger than ever now - with age and difficulty comes wisdom - hard earned wisdom, and compassion (not that I ever lacked it) but compassion for MYSELF too.

I've found that of late I've attracted a few people into my life where I've been able to impart compassion and guidance and understanding - and it seems to have geniunely helped some people too.

 

I've had a few incidents at work where through social dynamics I was ostracized and mocked behind my back.

Also a very personal secret was spread - for a cheap laugh at my expense.

Instead of feeling outraged - I was overcome with a feeling of vindication!!!

I was hearing this info from somebody who was in the "inner circle" socially at work - he found out the truth - not by me SAYING it was lies, but just my actions and the way I conducted myself.

I had only ever acted with honor and decency.

This came shining through.

The more I heard, the stronger I felt - which was very very odd, to be hearing VERY negative things about yourself.

 

I had also started a mentoring thing with a friend of my wife's - through her church.

I came to her for my 2nd session - and told her what had happened in the course of a week or so.

She sat back and smiled and said that she had prayed for me to see myself the way God sees me.

I was literally blown away.

That was exactly what happened...

and I've felt that pretty much ever since - and this is now 5-6 weeks into this.

So for me - quite consistent.

 

I also feel that with talking with my wife, that I don't feel "doomed" as my parents, and pretty much every family member I've known - crumbled with the leaving of the kids from home....

I can feel that I'm starting to write another script to follow for my life - not sure what it is or what it looks like, but I had no good role models for growing old that lived a happy life.

Just because I haven't experienced that personally myself doesn't mean I CAN'T!

 

That tied into the depression - which is really having NO hope - and feeling trapped and doomed.

This has started to change.

 

I was honestly SO drugged out - and I understand "poop out" now - it's where the drug has reached as much drugging out as it can get, and your brain cannot take it anymore.

The depression, anxiety and just general Amygdala just kicks in!!!  You're drugged AND depressed, and anhedonic all at the same time.

You lose your sense of self, and your soul, and your subconscious.

I did become somebody that I didn't like while medicated.

 

I can honestly say that I am progressing nicely on my path to recovery - but I'm reluctant to say I'M RECOVERED!

 

Like everybody else here - it's JUST BL00DY TIME that fixes this... in that time you DO just adjust and become used to the extreme emotions you are feeling most of the time...

and the lack of interest in most things too.

 

I just acted with compassion to those around me - and just plodded along.

 

I hope this helps somebody out there.

I'll touch base again soon / later.

 

Happy healing!!!!!!!!!!

 

[powerback]

Hi scottly I like your post ,very in-depth and from the heart and soul ,good look to your continued healing .

Take care.

[FarmGirlWorks]

14 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

I can honestly say that I can't think that I've "dealt" with my issues in any meaningful way - but they aren't destroying my happiness now.

 

I am trying to form the fears I'm still harbouring into "creatures" and TRYING to invite them in and welcome them, not run from them.

 

They are real human type fears - of isolation and abandonment... and my fears looking at my life situation and putting 2+2 together and realizing I'm almost living that life now!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!

LOVE the idea of turning fears into "creatures" and welcoming them. I am isolated from my family and have few friends so hear you on the isolation/abandonment front.

 

14 hours ago, scottly9999 said:

she had prayed for me to see myself the way God sees me.

And that is beautiful... your post helped me so thank you and keep on recovering!

[scottly9999]

Hello all
If anybody is even reading my entries anymore - I'm LOOOOONG overdue an update.
Where do I even start???
I feel that withdrawal is less and less of an issue for me - but it's really dumped me into an extremely difficult time of my life.
mid life.
Although I've mentioned midlife crisis a lot in my musings and ramblings, it's becoming more and more apparent.
While on these SSRI's drugs, I felt my mind getting more and more narrow - narrow in scope of not only thinking, but feeling.
Now thats the point of these "drugs".
But it seriously limted my experience of being human and whole and complete.
My feeling of "something is seriously wrong" was so slow in me realizing it - but it was very deep and fundamental.
I can't say if my issues have been caused BY the withdrawal, or the drugs, or just life in general.
But I'm thinking that this is more just life.
I also think that the drugs really lobotomize you.
So as your brain is slowly coming online again - we go through the usual HELLISH withdrawal effects of all the negative emotions, depression, anxiety, dread, fear, panic, terror, insomnia, aggitation, depersonalization, derealization, physical pain, confusion....
The words on that list just do not do the experience justice.
It's all mixed in together, you feel detached from the memories of the person you were - you feel like a stranger in your own mind and body - you are SO alone, so scared, and so frightened....
You know that there was a time that you felt somewhat normal, in yourself, even if you had some anxiety or things to be blue about - you still basically knew yourself.
But this - this is different.  When our brains are quite literally not functioning correctly, and we're flooded with stress hormones off the charts - where my chest was gripped with unending tightness and pain due to just stress - and being bombarded with constant negativity in your brain - that is scrambling to MAKE IT REAL, you honestly believe that your entire life is a lie, a sham, and not worth living...  like - EVERY SINGLE PART of it.
The hollowness, the emptiness... the insecurity... the detachment, the confusion, the isolation...
My mind was moving from moment to moment - but it wasn't just a peaceful MINDFULNESS, but it was trapped in each second, and unable to relate a stream of living consciousness to the next second and the second after that.
I was trying to rebuild myself every second, and having to restart every other second.
My thoughts and moods weren't my own anymore.
I could conjure memories, but I felt disconnected from them.
I felt disconnected from my wife and kids.
I'd recently lost my Mother while in the extreme of withdrawal too - so my entire ROOTS were ripped out from underneath me.
How I've managed to get through this is a total mystery.
The pain, the torment...
It really isn't describeable.
What has changed now?
What have I learnt???
Not a lot, but I'm also a wiser person.
In some ways - now that I'm definately in the dying embers of this journey - I'm partly glad I've been through it.  To have a greater understanding of the pain of the human experience... to understand the pain that some people can go through.  Through no fault of their own.  To have a real appreciation for what pain a person can experience AND endure!
To try and learn a greater compassion, not only for myself, but for me fellow man.
To offer a non judgemental hand to those in need.
To be totally honest, there isn't a HUGE amount that I've done to get through withdrawal, apart from just hold on - somehow, just holding on.
I can't put it down to anything in particular.
I really have been hit with a perfect storm of events in a short space of time.
Any semblance of innocense I may have had about me has been well and truely knocked out of me.
At first it was left with a gaping hole... OH MY GOD, how can I live like this??
This is just ****!
So empty - so meaningless - so hard..
I was frantically trying to fill that hole - being busy - being around people, just DOING and BUSY - there was a frenetic energy about me that I never really had before... in some ways it was good, it was refreshing.
But it made it harder to relate to my other friends who were not that way at all!!!  They were quite happy being placid and not doing much - just relaxing at home... when I was climbing the walls with fear and dread and stuck in my lifestyle....  and feeling doomed and dreading the next 5 minutes, let alone the next 30-40 years!!!
I could NOT see past or through withdrawal - I was consumed by it.
In coming through it - i can't say I can put it down to any learnings or teachings, but just letting it pass.  Even at the time - I didn't even have hope or relief saying that - I was literally unable to force it or create anything resembling positivity.
I was able to FAKE it on the outside however, and when I confessed to a few close people the torment I've been through - they couldn't believe it - I'm usually so happy or smiling, or joking or making OTHER people smile.
Often it's the way - people who like making other people smile, are usually the "tragic clowns" or comics ay?
The more calm I've felt inside, the less inclined I've been to be forced smiling - and more content to just "be".

I'm still not there - I'm not FULLY recovered, but I am close... much much closer to being where I want to be - as opposed to being the stranger I've felt for so long now.
I can feel it.
I can feel poetry and art more, music sounds better to me now - the nuiances I never noticed before and musical choices artists make.
I'm coming out of this with a MUCH higher appreciation for life, and happiness and more importantly CONTENTMENT.
And an appreciation for people, and animals more.
I've also been burnt HORRIBLY in the past few months by some people, but I forgave them, and no longer harbour any ill feeling towards them... they almost couldn't believe I could forgive them... it took time, but I did.  I could see the bigger picture as to why they did what they did - although it hurt me BADLY at the time, I saw THEIR motivation - and that was enough to explain it - even though they did it for personal gain at my expense.
I've read a few books that have helped.  I'm not alone, even in withdrawal - or "midlife crisis" or whatever you want to call it.
The Happiness Trap has been helpful.
Happy Never After by Gill Stark
and just started Intimacy And Solitude - as I can hear it in the wind that my life lesson is to LOVE MYSELF and my life situation - which through no fault of my own - means that I no longer have "built in family" by my side, or behind my back.
I have been wrestling with this reality for a long time, and was traumatized by it - that I've got no brothers, sisters, parents, cousins - pretty much nothing.
1 uncle who is far away and not much in common.  It really is JUST ME - thats a VERY SCARY thought for just about anybody to feel and come to terms with.
Its going to take me a long time, but I'm getting moments where I'm ok with that.
The more OK I am with MYSELF, the more OK I am with that feeling and the better husband, father and friend I can be to those that I love.
And speaking of Love, that is still only JUST starting to flicker back into life...
However, I'm not the man my wife married - life has dumped a lot on me in a short time... I have been quite broken.. but I've never made demands of my wife... but I've also not been as strong as she has been used to - which was our pattern for so many years.
That has shifted, and she is slowly shifting to adjust too... maybe not as quickly as I'd like her to - although she helped me in the VERY early days of tapering and withdrwaal, after about 1 month of stopping - and greiving the sudden death of my mother... she was like Nah - it's not the antidepressant anymore - can't be - nope...
so that was the end of her sympathy - little does she know that it's the WORST PART of the whole withdrawal process.
The fear and SHEER TERROR that gripped my chest - was just out of this world.
So that lack of understanding, and care and compassion - really has strained our marriage... almost to breaking point a few times.
It's also put a strain on my relationship with my daughter - who has hit the teens - and more withdrawal and sensitive and "moody" so more sensitive to my moods!

I'm getting there, and feel more and more like myself.
More patience, more compassion.
I'm good to talk to for others, and can offer a great shoulder to lean on - and do so for people in my life.
I know I'll be so much stronger after all this, I'll have a power and compassion and strength to be more on my own - yet, using that strength to build better relationships with others.
Thats my aim anyway.
thanks for reading!!!

[Itzakadoozee]

On 12/4/2018 at 9:32 PM, scottly9999 said:

Hello all
If anybody is even reading my entries anymore - I'm LOOOOONG overdue an update.
Where do I even start???
I feel that withdrawal is less and less of an issue for me - but it's really dumped me into an extremely difficult time of my life.
mid life.
Although I've mentioned midlife crisis a lot in my musings and ramblings, it's becoming more and more apparent.
While on these SSRI's drugs, I felt my mind getting more and more narrow - narrow in scope of not only thinking, but feeling.
Now thats the point of these "drugs".
But it seriously limted my experience of being human and whole and complete.
My feeling of "something is seriously wrong" was so slow in me realizing it - but it was very deep and fundamental.
I can't say if my issues have been caused BY the withdrawal, or the drugs, or just life in general.
But I'm thinking that this is more just life.
I also think that the drugs really lobotomize you.
So as your brain is slowly coming online again - we go through the usual HELLISH withdrawal effects of all the negative emotions, depression, anxiety, dread, fear, panic, terror, insomnia, aggitation, depersonalization, derealization, physical pain, confusion....
The words on that list just do not do the experience justice.
It's all mixed in together, you feel detached from the memories of the person you were - you feel like a stranger in your own mind and body - you are SO alone, so scared, and so frightened....
You know that there was a time that you felt somewhat normal, in yourself, even if you had some anxiety or things to be blue about - you still basically knew yourself.
But this - this is different.  When our brains are quite literally not functioning correctly, and we're flooded with stress hormones off the charts - where my chest was gripped with unending tightness and pain due to just stress - and being bombarded with constant negativity in your brain - that is scrambling to MAKE IT REAL, you honestly believe that your entire life is a lie, a sham, and not worth living...  like - EVERY SINGLE PART of it.
The hollowness, the emptiness... the insecurity... the detachment, the confusion, the isolation...
My mind was moving from moment to moment - but it wasn't just a peaceful MINDFULNESS, but it was trapped in each second, and unable to relate a stream of living consciousness to the next second and the second after that.
I was trying to rebuild myself every second, and having to restart every other second.
My thoughts and moods weren't my own anymore.
I could conjure memories, but I felt disconnected from them.
I felt disconnected from my wife and kids.
I'd recently lost my Mother while in the extreme of withdrawal too - so my entire ROOTS were ripped out from underneath me.
How I've managed to get through this is a total mystery.
The pain, the torment...
It really isn't describeable.
What has changed now?
What have I learnt???
Not a lot, but I'm also a wiser person.
In some ways - now that I'm definately in the dying embers of this journey - I'm partly glad I've been through it.  To have a greater understanding of the pain of the human experience... to understand the pain that some people can go through.  Through no fault of their own.  To have a real appreciation for what pain a person can experience AND endure!
To try and learn a greater compassion, not only for myself, but for me fellow man.
To offer a non judgemental hand to those in need.
To be totally honest, there isn't a HUGE amount that I've done to get through withdrawal, apart from just hold on - somehow, just holding on.
I can't put it down to anything in particular.
I really have been hit with a perfect storm of events in a short space of time.
Any semblance of innocense I may have had about me has been well and truely knocked out of me.
At first it was left with a gaping hole... OH MY GOD, how can I live like this??
This is just ****!
So empty - so meaningless - so hard..
I was frantically trying to fill that hole - being busy - being around people, just DOING and BUSY - there was a frenetic energy about me that I never really had before... in some ways it was good, it was refreshing.
But it made it harder to relate to my other friends who were not that way at all!!!  They were quite happy being placid and not doing much - just relaxing at home... when I was climbing the walls with fear and dread and stuck in my lifestyle....  and feeling doomed and dreading the next 5 minutes, let alone the next 30-40 years!!!
I could NOT see past or through withdrawal - I was consumed by it.
In coming through it - i can't say I can put it down to any learnings or teachings, but just letting it pass.  Even at the time - I didn't even have hope or relief saying that - I was literally unable to force it or create anything resembling positivity.
I was able to FAKE it on the outside however, and when I confessed to a few close people the torment I've been through - they couldn't believe it - I'm usually so happy or smiling, or joking or making OTHER people smile.
Often it's the way - people who like making other people smile, are usually the "tragic clowns" or comics ay?
The more calm I've felt inside, the less inclined I've been to be forced smiling - and more content to just "be".

I'm still not there - I'm not FULLY recovered, but I am close... much much closer to being where I want to be - as opposed to being the stranger I've felt for so long now.
I can feel it.
I can feel poetry and art more, music sounds better to me now - the nuiances I never noticed before and musical choices artists make.
I'm coming out of this with a MUCH higher appreciation for life, and happiness and more importantly CONTENTMENT.
And an appreciation for people, and animals more.
I've also been burnt HORRIBLY in the past few months by some people, but I forgave them, and no longer harbour any ill feeling towards them... they almost couldn't believe I could forgive them... it took time, but I did.  I could see the bigger picture as to why they did what they did - although it hurt me BADLY at the time, I saw THEIR motivation - and that was enough to explain it - even though they did it for personal gain at my expense.
I've read a few books that have helped.  I'm not alone, even in withdrawal - or "midlife crisis" or whatever you want to call it.
The Happiness Trap has been helpful.
Happy Never After by Gill Stark
and just started Intimacy And Solitude - as I can hear it in the wind that my life lesson is to LOVE MYSELF and my life situation - which through no fault of my own - means that I no longer have "built in family" by my side, or behind my back.
I have been wrestling with this reality for a long time, and was traumatized by it - that I've got no brothers, sisters, parents, cousins - pretty much nothing.
1 uncle who is far away and not much in common.  It really is JUST ME - thats a VERY SCARY thought for just about anybody to feel and come to terms with.
Its going to take me a long time, but I'm getting moments where I'm ok with that.
The more OK I am with MYSELF, the more OK I am with that feeling and the better husband, father and friend I can be to those that I love.
And speaking of Love, that is still only JUST starting to flicker back into life...
However, I'm not the man my wife married - life has dumped a lot on me in a short time... I have been quite broken.. but I've never made demands of my wife... but I've also not been as strong as she has been used to - which was our pattern for so many years.
That has shifted, and she is slowly shifting to adjust too... maybe not as quickly as I'd like her to - although she helped me in the VERY early days of tapering and withdrwaal, after about 1 month of stopping - and greiving the sudden death of my mother... she was like Nah - it's not the antidepressant anymore - can't be - nope...
so that was the end of her sympathy - little does she know that it's the WORST PART of the whole withdrawal process.
The fear and SHEER TERROR that gripped my chest - was just out of this world.
So that lack of understanding, and care and compassion - really has strained our marriage... almost to breaking point a few times.
It's also put a strain on my relationship with my daughter - who has hit the teens - and more withdrawal and sensitive and "moody" so more sensitive to my moods!

I'm getting there, and feel more and more like myself.
More patience, more compassion.
I'm good to talk to for others, and can offer a great shoulder to lean on - and do so for people in my life.
I know I'll be so much stronger after all this, I'll have a power and compassion and strength to be more on my own - yet, using that strength to build better relationships with others.
Thats my aim anyway.
thanks for reading!!!

I’m so glad you are feeling better. I am one month off of 13 years of antidepressants and am living in the pits of hell with all of the symptoms you discussed. I feel like my life has been utterly destroyed. But whatever you just wrote gave me hope to read and to stay positive. Life isn’t gonna be perfect on the other side of withdrawal but you have just overcome an enormous obstacle just getting better and I dont doubt that you can further improve upon your life and who knows the sky is the limit.

[scottly9999]

17 hours ago, Itzakadoozee said:

I’m so glad you are feeling better. I am one month off of 13 years of antidepressants and am living in the pits of hell with all of the symptoms you discussed. I feel like my life has been utterly destroyed. But whatever you just wrote gave me hope to read and to stay positive. Life isn’t gonna be perfect on the other side of withdrawal but you have just overcome an enormous obstacle just getting better and I dont doubt that you can further improve upon your life and who knows the sky is the limit.

Hi itzokadoozee

 

How long did you taper for while cutting down?

It took me about 3.5 years and that was too fast.

Just hold in there.

Read uplifting books, listen to your best music that cheers you up.

Watch uplifting movies.

Get into nature.

Listen to the birds, watch animals.

Watch the wind in the leaves.

Look for those small incidental moments in life we take for granted and notice them.

you wont feel it... but just that small effort is good enough.

Also watch stuff like americas or britains got talent.

Watch the feel good stories on youtube from there.

Im not normally i to that, but i found it filled me with a good feeling and good spirit.

You really cant do much about what you are feeling. 

I thought i was differnet as i had some pretty shut things to process!  "Hey i am broken!"

Nope.

It will just take a really long time.

Just keep posting here.

Ill answer any questions you might have.

 

[ChessieCat]

Thank you for coming back and posting your updates.  It is very much appreciated.

[Altostrata]

I am happy to say Scottly has posted a Success Story here

 

 

Now, as is our custom, I will close this topic. Please continue the conversation with Scottly in his Success Stories topic.

 

 

Edited January 7, 2019 by ChessieCat
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