Swedishgirl: Neurotic Swedishgirl's struggles with weight and bitterness. Still.

[Babs]

I'm sorry to hear you are still feeling so desperate, Swedishgirl (or do we need to start calling you Danishgirl now?).  Please believe me that this is not going to last forever ... it's just your depressed brain insisting it will. This is probably going to sound like a crazy idea, but at some of my lowest points in life (not just WD), I've forced myself to make a gratitude list.  You make yourself think of things you're grateful for, even if you're sure there's nothing at all.  You mentioned you've dated and gone on outings ... that should go on your list, that you are physically well enough to be doing things like that.  Did you eat a tasty meal that was enjoyable?  Goes on the list. Did the sun feel good on your face when you walked?  On the list.  Anything and everything you can think of, and you'll be amazed at what you can come up with.  Make a game of it, to see how long you can get that list.  Even on your worst days, there are always things you can think of to put on the list, and for me it always changed my energy and I felt more positive.  Yes, right now there are undoubtedly more negatives in your life than positive, but you've been tricked by your brain into thinking it's ALL negative and this might help.  ((Hugs)) to you!

[Martina23]

Sweedish girl, if you want we can both make some plan and  start losing weight. I also want to have good figure for going swimming in the summer after/if the withdrawal is over

[Swedishgirl]

*topic moved from symptoms forum

 

I'm two years and four months of an adverse reaction to Prozac and my life hasn't changed for the better the tiniest bit in two years. The more time that passes the further away I get from life. Because of the foggy head and numb emotions I can't start a relationship with anyone, and since starting a relationship isn't possible I feel that life has less of a meaning. I want to think straight and fall in love and have emotions again, but it just doesn't happen.
PLEASE if anyone who's recovered from Prozac and can relate to my symptoms is reading this, please send me a pm! I need to know that there's hope for me to become myself again, and no ******* seven years from now!
Please if you've been destroyed by Prozac but are now healed, contact me because you will save my life. I'm 26 years old and I can't deal with this bullsh*t any longer and if someone can be my support and let me know it will get better, you'll save my life. Please Prozac survivor send me a pm.

[justwanttobefree]

SG I'm 8 months into a CT withdrawal off of Prozac and I'm terrified of your story. I feel so bad for you, I can relate to the brain fog and the loss of feelings completely. It's horrifying. As Fresh asked, are you taking anything else? Supplements, benzos, vitamins etc.? Did you ever have windows and waves or has it just been steady crap for you?

[Pugknows]

WC, 4 years of this sh*t?? Come on. It's tough enough to be going through this every day, let alone ruminating that it could last 4 years! Please! Post something hopeful!

[justwanttobefree]

I agree completely pug. This site is damaging me more than it is helping. I can barely stand getting through every day and I'm only in month 8. God help us all.

[Purplestars22]

Pug, she could post what she wishes and be completely honest about it. You have not right to tell her otherwise. I am sure you would not like someone to write that on your thread where you write your symptoms day in and out. This site for many people is the only outlet to show their true emotions and if you don't like it don't read her thread or ignore her post on settings. Please be understanding there are some people who are afraid to post because of a comment written like yours. This is a excrutiating tough journey nobody needs extra judgement brought to them. I know what you mean about reading a protracted wd thread can cause a wave which has happened for myself and others. I wish you healing and to everyone.

[Pugknows]

Purple stars, I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I was not making a comment to Swedish girl. I was making a comment to WC about her hearing of someone 4 years out and still suffering so as to try to give hope to Swedish girl that perhaps her journey through hell won't last four years. I'll refrain from asking for hopeful comments in the future.

[Pugknows]

Swedishgirl, for what it's worth, we don't know anything about the person WC referred to. I think you've done a great job hanging in for so long and I believe you're going to see significant improvements this year. Keep hanging on.

[Purplestars22]

Pug, I totally misunderstood I thought you were writing about her personally. I hope you dont refrain from posting any helpful comments they are helpful and needed.

[Swedishgirl]

Hi. I'm sorry everyone but I need to vent my feelings somewhere. Believe me when I say that in real life I'm positive and I'd never tell anyone (apart from my closest family and a few friends I've met thru this site) how bad I'm feeling. Always waking up in a fog and feeling like I'm balancing two persons - the real me and the drugged, lazy, content me, is taking a lot of energy. Why I'm feeling extra bad now isn't because my symptoms have gotten worse but because it's really starting to get to me that I'm 26 now and this **** still hasn't gone away and I'm afraid it'll steal the rest of my twenty something years.

 

In my journal on Paxilprogress I tried my best to keep my humour up, but now I don't have the energy to do so any longer. I need to be able to vent and "keep it real" somewhere. So please, if you're expecting me to try and focus on the positives and only write positive stuff, don't read my journal.

 

To justwanttobefree - I have okay days and I have worse days. And I'm happy to say that now and then I even have wonderful hours! (last Wednesday evening I had three wonderful hours when I felt in love with the world). Something that's encouraging to me is that music and romantic comedies are affecting me a lot more now than they did a year ago. On a sunny summer day when I'm listening to good music I can for instance feel quite good for an hour or so.

 

Because of my foggy head I find it very difficult to pinpoint what's making me sad - Is it the fact that I can't feel clear emotions and think clear? Or is it the fact that I can't loose the last thirty pounds of the sixty pounds Prozac made me gain? Is it that I feel that I can't relate to people because of what I've gone and are going thru? Is it because I have no career worth mentioning? Is it because a Danish dude I fell in love with didn't feel the same about me? Is it that I'm tired because I've slept bad for a few days? Not knowing and not being able to pinpoint what's hurting me and affecting my mood, I find highly annoying.

 

To end with something positive though: Justwabttibefree, there's a big difference between my head now and my head like 1.5 years ago. Luckily I think withdrawals works the same way as giving birth does - after a certain amount of time has passed you forget how f-ing horrible you had it for a while. For me it's just that after two years and four months I can't be thankful over being 50 percent healed or 60 percent healed or whatever, I want to be 100 percent healed! I guess I'd be happier if I could focus on the recovery that has already happened, but I'm too f-ing mad and bitter to focus on that now. I just want to be mad and sad and depressed and wallow in self pity now for a while to be able to "release" a bit and with that collect some new strength to carry on.

 

YES I have windows and waves, still. Physical symptoms I have few (which is very positive considering I had so many physical symptoms the first year), the symptoms I complain about now are always mental ones - The foggy head, the foggy emotions. I want my own f-ing brain back, that's just it. And my body. I'm working on getting my body back though, and hopefully when summer comes I'll feel a bit happier and a bit closer to my old self which'll help me reach a window again.

 

No, I'm not taking any drugs. No benzos, no alcohol, no cigarettes, nothing. Well, maybe twice a month I take 2 mg of atarax, but that's it. I'll never put another pill in my body, not even vitamin pills cause everything pill shaped scared me now. If I can't see what it is I'm eating I'd never put it in my mouth. I can miss having a glass of wine though, maybe during this summer I'll actually try and have my first glass of wine in 2.5 years or so.

 

Wishing all of you good healing. Put pull sings "Remember that every day you walk around this planet is a good day", maybe that's true. At least when I'm low I try to tell myself "hey you, you could be dead tomorrow but today you're walking around on this planet, so be happy for it dude! Put in some nice music and enjoy being alive no matter how drugged you and foggy your head is!".

[Swedishgirl]

Some spelling mistakes in my last post of course. For instance it's suppose to say "Pitbull sings".

 

Wishing you well.

[aberdeen]

Swedish girl, hello!!!! Im sorry I havent caught up with you! I can relate so much to everything you post. So tired of being a person i dont like, not having access to all of my emotions, not feeling alive in the spring and loving my old hobbies and being able to tackle my problems and solve them. We are imprisoned and it sucks. Hang in there k? We're still in it together. I like that PitBull song, even with anhedonia, it can make me feel good. "Every day above ground is a good day, remember that". Doesnt always feel like it but its true. I still strugle with weight gain too, and i know it sounds lazy and negative and self pitying to say "but i cant do much about it until I feel better" But you know what...its true. I can only keep up with the motivation to really tackle my weight for about 2 days, then I have to spend it on the countless other things I also need to tackle. Theres just not enough motivation to go around right now. I get it.

 

Question for the mods....I noticed you moved some of her posts about symptoms back into her intro thread bc they were about her own symptoms. Im curious what the symptoms forum is for...why cant we ask about our own symptoms there? Is it just for general, or other peoples symptoms? Im a little confused still, aout navigating this site I guess.

[Swedishgirl]

Thank you Aberdeen for your relateble post. And thank you babs for your encouraging words, I'm not sure I thanked you before.

There'll be no Copenhagen. Not within the nearest three months at least. In theory I'd love it, I mean if I wasn't in withdrawal I would have been so happy and excited to move to the city and the country that I love most in the world, but now I only feel anxiousness about it. I had a room to rent in a nice apartment and everything, but yesterday I called my mom crying saying I won't be able to do it because I'd have the exact same problems in Copenhagen as I have here in Sweden. I was hoping it'd be possible to "move" or run away from my own brain, but it isn't. The withdrawal symptoms are there constantly no matter what country I'm currently in. I'm so sad that I can't enjoy summer since I used to love summer before. Now I even think the sunlight stresses my brain, makes my brain even more "hyper" and

hypersensitive somehow. I also find it more obvious me being in withdrawal during summer because when everyone is out having fun and I can't join them because I feel anxious being around people not feeling like (or looking like) myself I feel even worse. I've gotten a few new friends the latest months but because of my shifting mood and my unpleasant feeling of not being myself as much as being a robot I doubt I'll be able to keep this friends for a very long time.

 

What hurts me the most is that I've met the love of my life. I know I write childlike and silly love posts and wonderings now and then but this is completely different. Before in withdrawal I guess being in some sort of "love hate relationship" gave me some sort of satisfaction because I fooled myself that it made me "feel something" - If I was in an argument with someone I could pretend that the argument was what was making me feel bad and not the withdrawal symptoms. I wanted to find something outside my brain to get annoyed by, or to love, to shift focus from withdrawals. When I talked to my neigbors I found it easier saying "I'm sad because this guy isn't treating me well" or whatever, when really I couldn't care less about the unimportant guy I just wanted some logical things to blame my anhedonia on. The year I was in withdrawal but didn't knew I was in withdrawal I did the same thing - I tried to find things in my every day life that I didn't like just to be able to blame my anhedonia/depression on something.

This guy (who is a Dane) isn't a guy I'm in contact with because I'm looking for someone to "drag" emotions out of me, this is a guy who I'm in contact with because I'm amazed by him and love everything about him, and I'm so incredibly sad that I can't start a relationship with him. He's Danish, 28 years old (will be turning 29 this year), he's the smartest, most empathetic, coolest, most analysing, most attractive guy I've ever met and I've never felt this attracted to somebody ever in my life. With this guy I'm not longing for some "love hate relationship" instead I want to have an adult, stabile, romantic relationship with him and I want to do everything in my power to make him happy, and I know that he wants the possibility to do the same for me but he won't get that possibility. We've been on a few dates and my god it's just as romantic as it is in the movies, even more romantic. During our first date we took a walk thru a sunny Copenhagen, then stopped to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant, then continued walking the wonderful streets of Cph while now and then stopping to listen to talented street musicians playing jazz. Him and I had so much to talk about it and I didn't feel that I had to put on my "funny face" playing some role that I've taught myself how to play for the last three years, but instead I felt like the real me for the first time in three years and maybe even for the first time in my life. And, the Dane asked me questions, was genuinely interested in my answers and in my life, was funny, open, caring, and has such a positive look on life, he has everything. There's nothing that I don't love about him, nothing, and I can honestly say that I've never felt that way or said that about someone before. Now, if it wasn't for my still very present symptoms me and the Dane would have the spring and summer of our lives together now. But, now we can't. I'm just too unstable to let the guy deal with me during the days when I can't function. I haven't told him anything about drugs or what I'm going thru, because for the first time in three years there's just so much else I want to talk about and when I'm with him I don't think about the symptoms. But, I can't spend 24 hours a day with him and the hours that I spend by myself the symptoms are very present and is making me an unstable person who still can't manage having a normal job, normal relationships with friends, and normal sleep and eating routins. Now, I'm still hoping that when I'm free from this bullsh*t symptoms and my brain and emotions works normally again, I'll be able to contact the dane again and start a relationship with him. My biggest fear is that by the time I'm free from my symptoms the Dane'll be with someone else. If we were 23 I wouldn't have worried but he's 29 soon and in my book it's not very uncommon getting engaged or finding your life partner in your late twenties or early thirties. And not only that worries me, every day I don't get to spend with Jakob (I might as well write his name because I doubt it'll reveal my identity) feels like a lost day. I want to spend every day left of my twenties together with this beautiful, amazing man and get to experience the pleasure of really falling in love with someone. Sadly that won't happen. At least not this spring, but if the luck's on my side then maybe next spring.

[Swedishgirl]

Once again a lot of spelling, grammar and tense mistakes in my last message but I don't know how to edit the messages.

[Martina23]

Sweedish Girl, I was reading your story on the way to psychologist. I like it. It is really nice that both of you are feeling the same, that you are like determined for each other. I would also like to have this experience one day. I think, there are people who could make us completelly happy and where we can also make their happiness. It is maybe question of luck and a lot of trying mistakes, to find them out. I dont know. I hope I will have this luck to have such a man one day.

[Swedishgirl]

Thank you Martina for your sweet comment. Yes, if I were myself and not some drugged version of myself me and Jakob would have had the love story of a lifetime. But when I'm this unhappy, ugly and fat (because I am ugly and fat and unmotivated and all things negative atm) I can't contribute to Jakob's life in any way other than letting him deal with my moods swings and that's not an option.

**** I feel so bad now. When back and mom's place I realise how little that has changed in two years and four months. I'm still not even close to my old self. I have no ******* life what so ever. I'm just a completely different person with a completely different brain! They just made me a totally different person than what I've been my whole life! I don't want to die because I have hope that things'll be different but I definitely don't want to live any longer either. wtf shall I do? I've started seeing a therapist again for the first time in a year but it doesn't help **** because I'm feeling worse than ever. I don't know how to handle my life.

[brassmonkey]

Hi SG-- I'm so sorry to hear that things are still going so badly, and that things didn't work out with Jakob.  I haven't suggested this to anyone in a long time, but it might be a good idea for you to watch some videos of a three legged dog playing fetch, there are a lot of them on youtube.  They can be very enlightening.

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

[Martina23]

Hello sweedish Girl,

 

When I was a child, we went once to Norway. In Sweeden I have never been.

 

I can understand you in your feelings. I feel similar - quite down now.

 

I am six months to withdrawal and my life is really hell. I have such intrusive thoughts, this is not my head at all. And I have two little children at home. I am keeping only with my last will because if I would go to the hospital, I would end polydrugged.

 

Before I was quite normal. I wanted to start my own business, I was working on getting licences and already preparing my own logo and website. Now I am not thinking about all this at all.

 

I am so afraid that it never goes away and that the life ended for me. My friends tell me that it will go away, that no problem stayed by me forever. But now these impulses are so strong, I am so afraid.

 

So I also dont know how to handle my life. If you something which helps, please let me know also.

 

Martina

[Martina23]

Sweedish Girl, I have one idea. I mean, with this losing weight. Do you have such Sport TV? I mean, you know before there was always such a programme where such "feschi" (handsome man) made such a training with two women the beach, it was always half an hour, and the people at home could also exercise with the People on TV. Maybe we could do something like this, I think this is good for losing weight. This could be a start and this other we can speak about later, what we eat.

 

What do you think? Is it a stupid idea?

[Swedishgirl]

Hi sweet Martina! Sorry for getting back to you so late. No, it's not a bad idea, definitely not. I do already work out a lot though, I dance by myself quite often and I walk a few kilometers a day. For me the problem really is the food rather than the exercise. And I eat too much because... Well, for so many reasons. Because I'm nauseas, anhedonic and can't see why I shouldn't, because I feel even more numb when dieting, etc. I also feel anxious and strange in my body, (a lot of body sensations and stuff), when I have less food in my body, and I don't like that. Overall my symptoms gets worse when I eat less. Oh... It's hard to describe why it's so hard losing weight, but maybe I don't have to explain because maybe you have the same struggles. What annoys me the most is that I know that if I'd just been free from this ******* withdrawals I'd lose all the extra weight within three months tops, now because of my foggy head and all other symptoms every day life gets a million times more difficult.

[Swedishgirl]

Damn it, I just don't know what the **** to do any longer. It's been two years and four months since the adverse reaction to Prozac and still I'm a completely different person and unable to have a normal life and a normal job. I'm ALWAYS tired, I mean always. Even if I sleep twelve hours I'm tired in my head. I have strange sensations in my body (mostly my legs) always. I have no motivation what so ever in life and have to force myself to do anything at all during my days. The inability to feel motivation is what's giving me suicidal thoughts. I can't stand waking up another day feeling empty, lost, like a robot and with no motivation to do anything, and with all this f-ing head and body sensations. I try telling myself that at least I should be grateful that I know it's the Prozac that has done this to me, because a lot of people don't know it's the drugs making them empty and kill themselves because of their drug-induced symptoms. After two years and four months off I want to be more recovered though, I want to be ******* healed now!!! I mean how many more years will I be forced to me this tired, anhedonic, chubby, emotionless, stupid 27 year old girl? I don't want to be this person any longer.

I think a lot about suicide, more than I've done ever in my life. I know there's no use telling anyone about it though because there's nothing they can help me with anyway. I'm also seeing my old therapist now and it's not helping me at all and I hate that it doesn't. I'll hold on for another eight months but if I'm still this bad at three years off I doubt I'll ever get better and I don't know what to do if that happens.

[Swedishgirl]

Otherwise: Eurovision tonight. I love Måns Zelmerlöw and I think there's a chance he'll win. Would be really cool if we won again so soon after Swedish Loreen won with the song "Euphoria".

[Swedishgirl]

Yes box! Måns brought Eurovision back home to Sweden again!

[justwanttobefree]

Swedishgirl have you ever had a full blood work up? Thyroid, iron, progesterone, estrogen, b12 etc?

[Martina23]

Hello Sweedish Girl,

 

I didn´t watch Eurovision, the hot candidate for winning here was the Serbian singer, apparently she did not win.

 

About this eating:

 

Before the birth of my children I was smoking, so I did not eat so much. But now in withdrawal I started to eat more. It is because I make for example breakfast for 3 people, for me and the children. They are not eating so much, mostly only quarelling by the eating table and making disorder. But I feel bad to throw this all food to the garbage can, and therefore I am eating more.

 

I know it should not be like this.

 

So I would like to start something that I will also lose some weight.

 

For me it is only important that I dont have to count calories. Because when I was 16, I wanted to lose weight and I developed bulimia and had it quite for a long time (until 22). I got rid of it when I went away from my father´s house and had my first boyfriend. But since then I never count calories.

 

So I would be willing for example to have up to 3 meals a day (+ one only fruits) and the third can be only salad. And a lot of sport.

 

 

How is your idea?

 

Martina

[Swedishgirl]

Hello again.

Justwanttobefree, yes, I've done check ups regularly and there's no vitamin deficiency or any other deficiency in my body. I'm very sure it's the withdrawals making me constantly tired because I feel that it's the fog around my brain that's making me tired. Before Prozac I could be tired now and then but I also got energy boosts during my days where I for instance cleaned my apartment or went working out or something. And I always got very energetic after eating. Now I never get those energy boost naturally, instead I have to tell myself "okay, time to clean now, get up from the couch" and I do it but I don't feel energetic doing it. I know carrying around 15 kg extra weight is contributing to my tiredness for sure, but it's definitely not only my weight making me tired but also my brain. I shouldn't complain too much though because I rather feel tired than feeling extremely anxious and "in speed" like I felt the first year and a half after Prozac.

It'll be interesting to see if I'll feel more energetic after having lost weight. Because we WILL loose weight now, right Martina? We'll lose the excess weight we carry around once and for all starting NOW!

 

Brass, thank you for stopping by saying hi and I'm sorry I didn't said hi to you in my last message. How are you doing yourself brass? I didn't watch funny dog clips on YouTube but I sort of took your advice because I treated myself with buying the new season of New Girl with Zooey dechanel. I love that series and I had forgot how it, if not always than at least very often, manages to cheer me up.

 

Okay Martina, time to get hot! I totally get the non-counting-calories part. I have personal experience in how stressed and obsessive one can get when counting calories. My plan is to eat porridge for breakfast and lunch and have a healthy dinner. I feel healthy and full if I start my day with porridge with some blueberries and maybe coffee, and then have the same for lunch but with different berries and maybe an egg in the porridge. Then I'll keep my dinner healthy and depending on how hungry I am the dinner can get bigger or smaller. If I want to eat something in the evening I can have sugar free läkerol and tea, or maybe some frozen strawberries. I have 13 kilograms to lose (around 30 pounds), and by 1:st of august I want to have lost at least seven of them.

I'll allow myself some cola zero or coffee every third day or so, I need to because otherwise I'll feel tired pretty much 24/7.

I believe in you Martina and you have my support. Loosing weight can be difficult but after going thru withdrawal there's few stuff one can't handle. Good for you having quitted smoking as well and being on your way to a healthier life!

 

Hugs for everyone and I'm sorry for my many negative posts in a row but I can't help it atm because I'm just not in a good mood right now. I really, really hope that my move to Denmark august 1:st will improve my mood, my social life, my economy and my life in general.

[Martina23]

Ok, so I will also start from tomorrow, and let us just wait and check if the weight goes down

[Martina23]

To our losing weight:

 

I decided that I make such a Greek salad for three days and this I will always eat to dinner. I like it very much and it is very healthy. I will put there tomatoes, cheese, olives and make such a sauce on it from Italian herbs and olive oil.

 

And then we would be also healthy and we also look very well.

 

I think this losing weight was a very good idea, as we have now also a goal and it is also kind of distraction from withdrawal.

 

And on the end we buy a beautiful dress and go to some ball....

[Martina23]

You know what, when we really lose these 10 kg then I will invite you to Vienna and we can go together to opera ball. It is quite famous here. We could make us such a nice haircut and then we go there as real beauties. We can have also make up made, or I can do you make-up, I happen to be quite good at it, I think it could be marvelous. But first I have to get rid of these harming thoughts.Because in other case it is hard to enjoy it.

[Swedishgirl]

Hi sweet Martina! That sounds like a wonderful plan. I'd love to go to a ball in Vienna. It's a nice goal to have, whether it'll happen this year or next year.

I'm curious to know, how has your first two "dieting-days" gone? And how does dieting/eating healthier effect your mood? So far I've done okay. I haven't eaten 100 percent perfect the first two days, but 80 percent at least and I think that's an alright start. I think it'll take me like a week or so to find out what kind of diet and eating patterns that suits me. What's of course important when dieting is to never think "well, I've eaten too much already now so I might as well continue", but to instead stop before the (binge)eating goes way out of hand.

I know that when I've lost three kilos or something like that I'll feel more motivated, but until then it's difficult staying positive. I'm very unsatisfied with the way I look now and therefore I want to eat to make myself feel better, but I know that if I just manage to lose five kilos I'll be a lot more satisfied with my looks and it'll be a lot easier dieting.

 

Having numb emotions is really making everything a lot harder in life. I want to start studying something, but since I can't feel or think straight I don't know what really interests me, and therefore I have no other choice but to wait ANOTHER year before I start studying and see if I can think and feel clearer a year from now. I talk a lot with my therapist about the fact that I don't know what goals to set in life since I don't feel much and therefore don't know what I want. My therapist tells me to try and think rational even though I can't feel relational. Rationally I for instance know that I want to be satisfied with my looks and have a body that's suitable for dancing, and therefore I need to lose weight. Rationally I know that I want to be able to support myself financially so finding a better job is definitely a goal. Rationally I know that I usually feel a little less "robotic" and numb when I'm with people, so therefore socialising more and going out more is a goal when I've moved to Denmark. **** I just wished I was free from this ******* **** though. I'm so ******* tired with always being foggy that sometimes I just scream out of desperation. I just wished I could feel stuff so that life had more meaning and so that I could get rid of these suicidal thoughts for good, because the latest four months a single day hasn't gone by without me thinking "well, since I don't feel anything life doesn't have a meaning and I might as well kill myself". I just hope that a year from now my brain'll be completely different and I'll feel like my old self again.

[Swedishgirl]

God I hate always being tired. From the moment I wake up till the second I go to bed.

[Swedishgirl]

I can't find pennylanes positive update but I know she was put on Prozac as well. Does anyone remember when her fatigue disappeared? I hope she's happy and energetic these days.

[LoveandLight]

I totally relate to not being able to set goals..how can you if you don't know what you like? So frustrating..well beyond that it's just not normal human experience to be so cut off..I've been like this for yrs and yrs not being able to get anything going - but I didn't realise it was the drugs that I was on!

 

Hopefully you'll be healed soon! Xx

[Martina23]

Hello Sweedish girl,

 

I saw your post earlier but two days ago I had two days where I could not sleep and I was so tired and felt just only one motivation - to sleep. This night was already better.

 

I think I am still a bit undisciplined with my diet, two days ago I ate only salad, but it was so good that I took double portion. So I am sure I did not lose any weight. And yesterday my friends invited me to philiphines restaurant where is karaoke there I ate fish. I will continue with my diet today. I would like to lose -also like you 10 kilos, then I would have an ideal figure for me.

 

But I also have to lose these bad obsessive thoughts, in other case it would not make me happy to look good.

 

I really like this karaoke. I like singing. I was quite happy because I got more time 100% evaluation. But today  I have a bit sore throat, I think it is from singing. Because when there are these heights by singing, I feel a coughing feeling in my throat and next day I have a sore throat.

 

I think I am the last person in the work today so I will go already. And how is it with you? Do you weight yourself each day or once a week? I dont know if I should do it each day or weekly that I am not depressed if I did not lose any weight.

[Swedishgirl]

Hi sweet Martina! I get what you mean with intrusive thoughts since I have them myself. And just like you I constantly think "why should I lose weight when I'm never happy anyway? Losing weight won't make me happy". That's partly true but not completely, this is how it is: Looking good won't make me 100 percent happy but staying fat or getting even bigger definitely makes me both depressed and anxious. And just like you Martina I have hours now and then when I feel okay and enjoy socialising and stuff, and during those hours I want to look my best and therefore be slim. In the beginning of withdrawal I felt bad 100 percent of the time. After the first year I felt bad maybe 70 percent of the time. Now I'd say it's 50/50, a during those hours and time when I DO feel okay, I know I'll feel hundred times better if I'm in shape and am happy with my looks.