Swedishgirl: Neurotic Swedishgirl's struggles with weight and bitterness. Still.

[Swedishgirl]

Martina, I know it takes time to realise what kind of weight loss plan/eating patterns that will work for oneself. For me different plans works during different situations and different times. When I'm for instance feeling really low I can hardly have any food at home because I tell myself "I just don't care" and overeat whatever I have in the fridge. During times when I'm feeling better and maybe have lost some weight and therefore feel more positive, I can have more food items at home without being afraid of overeating them. Atm I don't feel happy and therefore the only food items I have in my house are frozen vegetables, frozen chicken and uncooked chick peas. None of those food items are possible to binge eat. I usually go to the store once or even twice a day and but just what I'm suppose to eat that day, that way I can't "take an extra portion" because I don't have any extra portions available.

Martina, when your mind tells you to eat because you "don't see a reason to lose weight", tell your mind "Just this moment I maybe want to have an extra portion but tomorrow I'll feel better if I didn't have it. And I promised Swedishgirl that she and I will lose weight together so to stand by my word to swedishgirl I won't eat anymore food now. Instead I'll have a gun and a cup of tea".

If you atm can't motivate yourself to lose weight for your own sake, then do it for my sake, okay? Because I need a partner in this, and I KNOW that both you and I will feel better if we manage to go through with something we've set our minds to.

Now learn from your past mistakes and don't do too many portions at once. I've been there done that and therefore nowadays I never have food at home that's easy to overeat.

 

We'll manage this Martina! I believe in us! Big hugs!

[Martina23]

Sweedishgirl, I will write you when I come home.

[Martina23]

Hello Sweedishgirl,

 

sure I will keep diet with you. It is only that the last days I feel from withdrawal so bad. I feel again near psychosis. There are so many violent intrusive thoughts everywhere, if I could I would die. I always tried to believe that these things go away, but they are going only more and more and I feel only more and more crazy. I dont know if I should commit suicide, I dont know. I dont want to harm anyone, I dont want to harm my children but there are so many strange ideas which come into my head always stronger and stronger and I wait each day and they never subside.

 

My life is hell now. I dont know even if I am in the reality now. Today my mother and my sister came for visit and my sister said I should back full on medicine and start to go down later when I feel better or I am in love and that it goes from itself. She doubted even that these things would go away without medication. She took me also hope.

 

You know if it would be easier I would die.

 

 

I try to keep the diet, it is only till my brain is so bad, maybe it will be always, I just can not really concentrate on keeping diet as I feel dead, as I want to die.

 

I am sorry that I told you this everything. But I am here at home with my children and there come these stupid ideas, and I know that I love them and I dont want to harmful thoughts to my children as I have never had them before and I dont know how them come, but I dont want to live like this. It came with the Lyrica withdrawal and they make me crazy.

 

 

I am sorry, I hope you feel better. I am sure if someone loves you, he will also love you with some kilos more. I think quite a lot of men like if the women have some curves. I think, therefore is Kim Kardashian so famous. Therefore you should not feel so bad  that you are not so thin. This will be ok.

 

And write me how you continue with the diet.

[Swedishgirl]

Oh, dear Martina! I soooo get that you're having a really tough time, but now and then (like when you were singing karaoke) you feel alright so try and focus on the fact that you actually CAN feel good now and then! When I feel bad I remind myself that only five weeks ago I had the best night of my life when hanging out with the Danish boy I'm in love with, so even if I have a hundred rough hours in a row I know that sooner or later it'll come a day or some hours when I'm feeling alright again.

I'm of course so extremely much better now than what I was in acute withdrawal though, so have hope Martina, you'll get better as well.

[Swedishgirl]

I weigh myself when I feel like it. I've tried different strategies when it comes to weighing but I can't see that one strategy works better than another. If I know I've gained weight, no matter if it's just water, I try to stay away from the scale to not bring myself down though.

Fantasising about what cool outfits and dresses I'll but when I've lost the weight keeps me in a good mood. I'm also looking forward to having a lighter body that I can dance with and walk with without feeling clumsy and heavy. It'll be nice to be satisfied with my looks again but most of all I can't wait to get back my dancing body and have the strength and be fit enough to dance again.

 

Have you kept up the diet the latest days and how have you felt? Big hugs!

[Martina23]

Hello Sweedishgirl,

 

Yes, I try to eat less in this time.

 

I would also like to do some sport, but now I have at home children so its really impossible. In July my mother would take children for three weeks, so I will start to go to step airobic or squash. I liked squash but in my current company there are not so many people playing squash, so I can not go as for this you need a partner.

 

I thought I will go to some professional which makes me such a daily make up and I will buy the stuff and then I will do it each morning. And I have to go to the hairdresser too. When at least head would look good I will feel much more motivated to do sport.

 

And are you doing also some sport? Which kind of sport do you like the best?

[Swedishgirl]

Don't want to live any longer. Can't live in this fog any longer. Don't know what to do can't continue having it like this. Want to write a letter to the world and everyone I know telling them drugs destroyed my life and that I'm giving up. Today I'm having bad withdrawal anxiety, feels like the anxiety I had when going off all those benzos and stuff as a nineteen year old. I feel nauseous and dizzy and have bad headaches. When I look myself in the mirror I see this anxious anguished person who's desperate and can't fake it any longer. I have no one who I can call. Maybe I'll call some emergency line. The friends I have in real life I don't want to talk about this with and the friends I have from this site has their own **** to deal with I don't want to put even more distress on their pile of distress. I don't know what to do.

[Martina23]

My poor Sweedishgirl! Please calm down, I know it is hard   but try to distract yourself, go to the nature or running, that you get some endorphines. You will feel better.

[Swedishgirl]

Hi all sweet friends. It's been seven months since I updated here, so I think it's about time I write something. Sadly not because I want to tell all of you how great everything is (but don't worry! Not everything's crap! Some things are better, some things are not), but because I've lately started to feel a need to vent my withdrawal issues again. Today (january 14:th) is also the day that I cold turkey:d Prozac three years ago, after having been put on it for no good reason at all (like all of us). I was on a drug cocktail a few months before Prozac as well, though I seldom mention those drugs here, since I feel the Prozac is the drug that's causing all the symptoms I still have today, at three years out.

I'll start by writing shortly about what my life looks like now:

I moved from Sweden to Denmark five months ago. I live in Denmarks capital city Copenhagen, and I really do love Denmark and the Danes, so I'm very happy about my choice of moving here. I live together with a Danish guy who I think would have been my boyfriend if it weren't for all the withdrawal struggles I still have. His name is Anders, he's 29, and he had a good crush on me in the beginning, and I fancied him quite a bit too, so I moved in with him quite quickly. Sadly Anders after a while noticed that I'm not always my cheerful self, but that I often struggle with a lot of symptoms and problems caused by the symptoms - such as financial problems, emotional instability, and not being able to plan for the future.

Before I continue I think I need to name a few of the main symptoms I still struggle with:

The foggy head. I don't think or feel clearly. I can have a good laugh and a good cry, but my emotions aren't at all as clear as before, neither are my thoughts. I could try and describe these issues more precisely, but I think most of you know the deal already, so I don't think there's any need for it.

Dizziness, headaches (sometimes quite bad, sometimes "just" as unpleasant head pressures), tinnitus. The tinnitus is a symptom that I've had from the start and who annoyed me insanely much in the beginning. It's gotten lower over the years (I can't believe I'm writing "years" and not "months" here, but I know that's the reason this forum got created), but it's still there, poking me for attention every morning, night, and other times during the day when there's not much noise around me.

Low motivation and anhedonia. Not as much as before, but with all the tiredness, nausea, etc always annoying me, it's difficult finding motivation and energy enough really doing something about my life and life situation. Though I hope that a year from now (since I've heard a lot of people talking about positive experiences around the 4-year-mark) I will notice many positive changes when it comes to motivation and the relief from symptoms. I'm 27 years old now (yeah, I know, that too, is insane) and if I can start some studies when I'm 28 that still wouldn't feel super late to start an education. But, we'll see - I'm taking a day or two at a time.

Sensations in my head and body. As for many of us they're especially present when I go to bed, but not only then do I feel them. They don't hurt or anything like that, it's just a bit discouraging still feeling like your body is "electric" (and with that "unnatural") after having been of drugs for three years.

Weight gain. Yup, I'm still 14 kgs heavier than I was pre-Prozac. There's no need loosing all of them, but I'd feel a lot better about myself if I manage to lose seven of them before summer.

 

And now some positives, because even though I may sound negative, the positives are many as well.

:

1. I've moved to a new country, that I love, and I have good friends here and am a lot more social these days than I was just six months ago.

2. It's going a bit slower for me than for my classmates, since I'm every day struggling with a huge tiredness (a tiredness that's caused by the foggy head that's caused by the drugs), but I've almost managed becoming alright in Danish. Half a year ago I had big doubts about my brain being able to learn new things feeling as dumb as I did within the worst of withdrawal, but luckily I've been proved wrong and my brain has managed to learn a new language.

3. Even though not many symptoms have passed 100 percent yet, ALL of them have reduced. When I for instance have headaches these days I think about how bad the headaches were in the beginning, and then I feel so thankful that those days are over.

 

I'm going to write more soon, but now I'm gonna "hygge" as they say in Danish. I haven't read thru what I've written so I haven't corrected spelling mistakes, but I'm hoping my post is readable anyway.

I'll catch up on all of you soon, I haven't visited the forum for many months so I don't know much about your current conditions, but I'm hoping all of you are in a better place now than what you were seven months ago when I last was active on the forum.

 

Big, BIG! Hug!

/Swedishgirl

[brassmonkey]

Hi Swedishgirl-  It is so good to hear from you and such a positive post too.  I'm so glad that the move worked out well, you were so nervous about it.  All the symptoms that you're still feeling should improve even more over the next year too.

 

I was 29 when I went back to university to get an engineering degree.  That kicked off my second career which served me very well.  I'm a big fan of people starting school at that age so I'm all for you giving it a try.  You've done so well  with the language classes the others should be no problem.  I can't wait to hear more.

 

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[Songbird]

It's great to hear from you, and that much has improved.  The length of time for recovery must be very frustrating, but all the improvement so far is certainly good news.  I went back to uni at 45, so age shouldn't be a barrier to further study.  I wouldn't mind being 27 years old again, or even 37, but that's another story.  I'm glad the move has been positive for you.  I reckon you are doing better than you realise if you've managed to learn a whole new language, I'm sure I'd really struggle with that.  (((HUGS))) for you too.

[aberdeen]

Hi Swedishgirl! Thats a good update and sounds about right for 3 years! Im proud of you learning a new language wow. Good luck with all your new adventures. Good to hear from you.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear from you, Swedishgirl. Would you say you're about 70% recovered?