Kiddo1977: New Member - How I Got Here

[Kiddo1977]

I'm a new member here and am looking for support and community while I continue to taper from Paxil and Ativan.

 

My story is a rather long one, but I will try and keep it short.

 

 

In 2001 I went to my doctor for advice on quitting smoking. I specifically asked for Zyban, as I had friends who used it and it worked. I was 24 years old. My doctor gave me the prescription and off I went. I took the medication for 3-4 months and stopped c/t. I had no idea that Zyban was actually Wellbutrin and that you aren't suppose to just stop taking an antidepressant. Of course I did realize this until many years later.

 

So the c/t left me with panic attacks, high anxiety, agoraphobia and depersonalization. I obviously thought I had some kind of psychotic break. My parents and fiancé were quite worried. I lost my job be ause i couldn't leave the house and I was worried that we would lose the house we just bought (we didn't). My parents took me to a psychiatrist who "diagnosed" me with Panic, Generalized Anxiety and OCD. That appointment would set me up for 14 years of medication. The psychiatrist prescribed 10mg of Paxil and sent me on my way. I never saw him again. My GP fulfilled my prescription for the next 14 years. After about 6 weeks on Paxil all the awful symptoms go away and I'm so relieved that I actually believed that I did in fact have a chemical imbalance that the medication had/was correcting. Looking back, Paxil just masked/fixed the cold turkey SNRI withdrawal.

 

Fast forward to 2007, I am married and I have 2 beautiful children. I "feel" like I'm happy but at a distance. I feel flat, I've gained a lot of weight (which I attributed to pregnancy), I'm tired/lethargic (chalked up to having young kids) and not overly interested in much at all. At this point I've been telling my doctor for years about these symptoms, along with restless legs/GI distress/headaches, and the dose was continually raised. At one point I was on 60mg (for about 6 months) but mostly spent the years at about 40mg.

 

In 2008 I left my husband. I was a wreck but knew it was the right thing to do. I also had decided I wanted off Paxil to go with my fresh start. I believed the weight gain and lethargy was from the Paxil and was ready to dump it. Over the course of 2 years I "tapered" as per doctors instructions, which always proved to fast. My slowest taper was 6 months. I always had intense symptoms which my doctor told me was my original "condition".

 

Late 2011 I found PaxilProgress and realized what was happening. I was relieved, scared, angry and for te first time in years.....hopeful. Unfortunately, I had just made a large drop from 40mg to 20mg. So I updosed to 30mg and held for 6 months to stabilize. Stabilization eventually happened but it took awhile. By this time I had found a new doctor who supported my new taper plan (10% every 4-6 weeks using a compounding pharmacy). The unfortunate part was that he prescribed me Ativan, as needed, while I was stabilizing. As educated as I had become in AD's I had no clue what benzodiazepines were

 

For two years I took Ativan PRN (2-3x per week) while tapering Paxil. In 15 months I was down to 15mg and functioning relatively well. I was able to continue working, continue all my sports (hockey, yoga), actively engage in parenting, and get married. I was however experiencing a lot of anxiety again, increase in GI upset, blurry vision, dizzy spells, existential thoughts, depression, etc. I figured it was just the natural course of Paxil withdrawal. I figured it was getting harder the lower I got in dose. Hindsight is 20/20 though because I now firmly believe I was having interdose w/d from the Ativan.

 

In Jan 2014 I was hospitalized for a leg injury and prescribed 2mg Ativan DAILY as a (leg) muscle relaxer and to sleep. The day after my discharge I experienced the most horrific w/d. For me, Paxil w/d was a walk in the park compared to being cold turkeyed off a benzo. I was flooded with suicide ideation, I couldn't stop crying, heavy DP/DR, incredible muscle tension, migraines, vibrations, tremors, undulating, sweats, agoraphobia, panic attacks....the list is endless. My doctor immediately told me to start taking my Ativan everyday like the hospital had done. In his defence, he was afraid for me, and didn't know what to do. He wanted me to go back up to 30mg on my Paxil and I refused.

 

So here I am.....a year later. I stabilized back on the Ativan, found BenzoBuddies and I've tapered from 2mg to .37mg of Ativan and it's been a much bigger challenge than my Paxil taper ever was. I feel weary, battle fatigued and plain old worn out. My Paxil taper has been on hold for the last year so I am still at 15mg. I'm terrified of what my future holds. Suffering is getting really tiring.

 

I guess I shouldn't have tried to quit smoking!!! Lol.

[mammaP]

Hi Kiddo, welcome to SA. You really have been through the wringer haven't you? Sadly ADs are dressed up

in camouflage for all kinds of things and it shouldn't be happening! It is just wrong that people aren't being told 

what they are being given. Ok rant over, we all know that and feel it so I don't really need to get on my soap

box here but it's hard not to sometimes. 

 

There are lots of fellow paxil progress members here, I'm sure they will be along to welcome you too. We also

have a members only benzo topic that you might be interested in.  You will get to the end of your tapers 

eventually, every day is one day closer and we are all here to support you along the way. 

[Kiddo1977]

Thank you MammaP - is there somewhere I can go to learn how to navigate the forum more thoroughly?

[MollyN]

Reading your story is heart wrenching (and makes me deeply angry) I'm so sorry it's been so hideous for you as well as such a disturbing common story here :'(

 

You're doing so well to taper to what you're on now!!

[dalsaan]

Thank you MammaP - is there somewhere I can go to learn how to navigate the forum more thoroughly?

Hi kiddo and welcome. This might help with navigation questions http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/246-how-to-use-this-site-questions-and-answers/

 

Dalsaan

[Kiddo1977]

Hello (anyone  ),

 

I don't know if I'm posting to myself right now or others can see this? Sorry still learning how to navigate this forum. I'm 2.5 months free from my benzo taper and doing "okay". I'd like to get all my ducks in a row to prepare to resume my Paxil taper.

 

I have some questions an was hoping someone (anyone) could answer them and/or give me some feedback.

 

1. How long should I wait before starting my Paxil taper? I was thinking minimum 6 months provided I don't hit a big wave in post (benzo) withdrawal.

2. What are most people's experience with "feeling" a cut when they taper? 4 days, a week? I can't remember and I'd like to plan accordingly. 

 

Thanks

[Kiddo1977]

Hello,

 

I don't know if I'm posting to myself right now or others can see this? Sorry still learning how to navigate this forum. I'm 2.5 months free from my benzo taper and doing "okay". I'd like to get all my ducks in a row to prepare to resume my Paxil taper.

 

I have some questions an was hoping someone (anyone) could answer them and/or give me some feedback.

 

1. How long should I wait before starting my Paxil taper? I was thinking minimum 6 months provided I don't hit a big wave in post (benzo) withdrawal.

2. What are most people's experience with "feeling" a cut when they taper? 4 days, a week? I can't remember and I'd like to plan accordingly.

 

Thanks

[brassmonkey]

Hi Kiddo--  Welcome to the group.  It's nice to see that you have things under control and are making the effort to preplan your next moves.  We always recommend that someone wait a good long time between drugs when they taper.  Listening to your body is the most important part, when you're ready it will tell you.  If you're doing "ok" at 2.5 months waiting a full 6 months should put you in a good place to start.

 

As for how long it takes for the symptoms to hit, well....  every person and every drop is individual in their reactions and predicting patterns is next to impossible.  There are some trends that I have seen with my own taper and with others.  It takes four days for a dose change, either up or down, to become steady state in the blood.  For me, I usually feel some effect by the second or third day, they build and peak, then decrease until the fifth week and are usually stabilized to WDnormal by the end of the sixth.  Many people I have talked with follow a similar pattern.  But again each individual and each drop is different.

[thinkpink]

Hi Kiddo- welcome aboard :-) I would just like to echo what Brassmonkey said above about listening to your body  it is different for each of us so its important to take it steady and see how you feel. Im on Paxil and for me personally I usual feel okay for the first week after a reduction and then around day 8/9 I get hit with symptoms, usually dizziness/unsteadiness and feeling generally off. Those symptoms for me can last off and on for a good few weeks sometimes longer. I wait until those symptoms ease off before I attempt the next drop. Im told though that my situation is quite unusual in that a lot of people feel withdrawal symptoms a couple of days after reducing the dose but somehow for me it tends to be a little more of a delayed reaction. Ive had to taper really slowly particularly over the last year or so as I had some unpleasant symptoms but again everyone is different- so listen to your body and dont rush it. I also try to work my life around my taper as much as I can- for example if I know I have an important event coming up or I need to be somewhere I wont schedule a taper around that time, this can be a bit tricky but over time you find a way to make it work for you! Good luck with it all and keep us posted on how things go as and when you begin your taper. 

[Altostrata]

Kiddo, I moved your posts here to your Intro topic, to keep your tapering history all in one place.