Cheeky: on Paxil for 23 years needing advice

[Cheeky]

Thanks for your imput, I feel like it’s withdrawal symptoms without doing any changes for 5 months , although I have had a couple of days this month we’re I trashed myself with recreational drugs, I lost my nephew 3 months ago and just felt like beating myself over it and now getting my periods and the stress at work it’s all taking it’s toll. I’ve been so good for along time and have really suffered grief after the loss. I’m upset with myself and will never do that again , I just felt like so deserved a good time and now I’m paying for it. I’m ashamed to write this and feel so disappointed with myself. Do you think this could be a contributing factor?

[Bee5]

It depends on which recreational drugs you took. But for me, even if I have a few alcoholic drinks, I have really bad anxiety for a few days after that. 

[Rusty1]

4 hours ago, Cheeky said:

Thanks for your imput, I feel like it’s withdrawal symptoms without doing any changes for 5 months , although I have had a couple of days this month we’re I trashed myself with recreational drugs, I lost my nephew 3 months ago and just felt like beating myself over it and now getting my periods and the stress at work it’s all taking it’s toll. I’ve been so good for along time and have really suffered grief after the loss. I’m upset with myself and will never do that again , I just felt like so deserved a good time and now I’m paying for it. I’m ashamed to write this and feel so disappointed with myself. Do you think this could be a contributing factor?

The recommendation is abstaining from all recreational drugs, alcohol, being careful with any new medications (check existing with an interaction checker) and supplements.

They all have been known to increase symptoms and hurt stabilization.

We can't predict what degree to which they will effect an individual or if they even will at all, but the consensus is that our brains are going through destabilization and changes during withdrawal and anything that compounds that can make us feel worse.

 

Unfortunately while in withdrawal many things that are normal for other people create major issues for us.  It sucks and can be difficult to change habits while just wanting to escape and feel more normal.  Remember that there are many things that will affect you in withdrawal that weren't an issue before and these activities bring an increased risk of making your symptoms worse and more prolonged.

[Cheeky]

Thanks @Rushy09 so since this mistake that will never happen again, lesson learnt , I just have to wait it out and do nothing . 

[Cheeky]

6 hours ago, Bee5 said:

It depends on which recreational drugs you took. But for me, even if I have a few alcoholic drinks, I have really bad anxiety for a few days after that. 

I took Cocaine, MDMA and weed

[Cheeky]

6 hours ago, Rusty1 said:

The recommendation is abstaining from all recreational drugs, alcohol, being careful with any new medications (check existing with an interaction checker) and supplements.

They all have been known to increase symptoms and hurt stabilization.

We can't predict what degree to which they will effect an individual or if they even will at all, but the consensus is that our brains are going through destabilization and changes during withdrawal and anything that compounds that can make us feel worse.

 

Unfortunately while in withdrawal many things that are normal for other people create major issues for us.  It sucks and can be difficult to change habits while just wanting to escape and feel more normal.  Remember that there are many things that will affect you in withdrawal that weren't an issue before and these activities bring an increased risk of making your symptoms worse and more prolonged.

So ride it out and give myself time to stabilise again and never do that again

[Rhiannon]

5 hours ago, Cheeky said:

So ride it out and give myself time to stabilise again and never do that again

AND forgive yourself for being human. Especially on a long road taper like you're on, it's a lot to ask someone to never ever slip up. Bad enough you have to deal with withdrawal and being on drugs you hate, you also have to live like a saint? Do your best and be kind to yourself, it's a tough road and you have a lot to be proud of, look at how far down you have come on the drugs. 

 

Hugs to you.

[Cheeky]

5 hours ago, Rhiannon said:

AND forgive yourself for being human. Especially on a long road taper like you're on, it's a lot to ask someone to never ever slip up. Bad enough you have to deal with withdrawal and being on drugs you hate, you also have to live like a saint? Do your best and be kind to yourself, it's a tough road and you have a lot to be proud of, look at how far down you have come on the drugs. 

 

Hugs to you.

Thank @Rhiannon for your encouragement.
Today I woke and felt 85% back to normal , not sure  it was because my periods have started. 
This really is a journey of learning to read our body signs and be extra careful with any disturbances that can play havoc on our CNS. Unfortunately we can’t do what other people do but we can find happiness through the simple things in life. 
I one day hope we can all be free and this will just be a bad memory.

 

[Bee5]

19 hours ago, Cheeky said:

I took Cocaine, MDMA and weed

As you say in your following posts, you know that these affect your CNS, so although this was a bump in the road, I hope you can get back on track. 

[Altostrata]

On 7/2/2021 at 4:59 AM, Cheeky said:

although I have had a couple of days this month we’re I trashed myself with recreational drugs

 

oops

[Cheeky]

Hi @Altostrata,

I know what would be thinking and Zi should’ve told you everything, I was I’m ashamed to admit what I did. So now I have to ride this out and wait til I feel better to drop my dose again. Sorry

[Cheeky]

9 hours ago, Bee5 said:

As you say in your following posts, you know that these affect your CNS, so although this was a bump in the road, I hope you can get back on track. 

Me too, a mistake I made and have to wait it out. Another anxious day today. 

[Cheeky]

Hey everyone,

I thought I would give an update. The last two days Ive been waking uo with  aniexity a feeling like my body in tingling everywhere. Im sleeping at night but its broken up with me having to get up and vape and then I go back to sleep ( I know that's bad but I don't won't to stop at the moment as I don't won't any more havoc to my nervous system,}

Ive  been looking back from my last taper in January were I went dropped from 18.25mg to 15mg   Seraquel which I know now was too big of a  drop and felt bad for 6 weeks after that, then I had felt amazing extra energy, not tired anymore and was confident and felt I could do anything and live a normal life. I was parting and taking cocaine , drinking and weed every third weekend, I thought I was invisible. I did notice a decline in my health mentally but thought I would bounce back. In May my Nephew suddenly died and it hit me hard and It hen gave myself an excuse of doing what I was going and continued to take recreational drugs only every third weekend. Ive had a very very stressful month with moving my business to another location and finances are tight and I think all off this has acumulated and now I m in this position . I regret everything Ive done and just won't  my stablity. I know I've brought this onto myself but when I feel like this I think I try to look for something to help. Im not going to up my medication as I've come so far and know I have to ride it out, its just so hard. I keep thinking that this is my new normal and it scares me.

[Rusty1]

1 hour ago, Cheeky said:

Hey everyone,

I thought I would give an update. The last two days Ive been waking uo with  aniexity a feeling like my body in tingling everywhere. Im sleeping at night but its broken up with me having to get up and vape and then I go back to sleep ( I know that's bad but I don't won't to stop at the moment as I don't won't any more havoc to my nervous system,}

Ive  been looking back from my last taper in January were I went dropped from 18.25mg to 15mg   Seraquel which I know now was too big of a  drop and felt bad for 6 weeks after that, then I had felt amazing extra energy, not tired anymore and was confident and felt I could do anything and live a normal life. I was parting and taking cocaine , drinking and weed every third weekend, I thought I was invisible. I did notice a decline in my health mentally but thought I would bounce back. In May my Nephew suddenly died and it hit me hard and It hen gave myself an excuse of doing what I was going and continued to take recreational drugs only every third weekend. Ive had a very very stressful month with moving my business to another location and finances are tight and I think all off this has acumulated and now I m in this position . I regret everything Ive done and just won't  my stablity. I know I've brought this onto myself but when I feel like this I think I try to look for something to help. Im not going to up my medication as I've come so far and know I have to ride it out, its just so hard. I keep thinking that this is my new normal and it scares me.

I know it is frustrating but it sounds like trying to be patient and hold is your best option. It will get better. 

You just identified it yourself the causes of your struggles. You made some mistakes that upset your CNS. No use beating yourself up anymore, you are already suffering enough. Give yourself some time to heal and you will be able to continue your journey with the knowledge of how to be more careful.

It will all be okay!

[Cheeky]

Just now, Rusty1 said:

I know it is frustrating but it sounds like trying to be patient and hold is your best option. It will get better. 

You just identified it yourself the causes of your struggles. You made some mistakes that upset your CNS. No use beating yourself up anymore, you are already suffering enough. Give yourself some time to heal and you will be able to continue your journey with the knowledge of how to be more careful.

It will all be okay!

Rusty you really are sweet, I know what I have to do and it's so hard to rationalize it when your anxious .

Time heals I hope. Thanks for the reply if really give me strength x

[Rusty1]

4 hours ago, Cheeky said:

Rusty you really are sweet, I know what I have to do and it's so hard to rationalize it when your anxious .

Time heals I hope. Thanks for the reply if really give me strength x

You are very welcome. You can do this!

[Cheeky]

Guys I’m having a really bad day today , I’m extremely anxious like my body is on fire tingling and very shaky if I try to keep my hands still. I know I did a 12% drop the last time I dropped I knew it was too big when I did it , but I thought I would be okay. Now I’m panicky that this is something else. I have no appetite and am trying to stay calm. I’m just really scared at the moment and won’t some type of relief. I keep thinking maybe I should up my sera quell by 1mg and see if that helps , but dead down I don’t won’t to change anything.  I had a great day yesterday 85% normal and now this today, I don’t get it ……

looking back this last drop has done something and I don’t know what to do ?

@brassmonkey. @ChessieCat @Rusty1 @Songbird

[Mia1]

On 7/7/2021 at 6:29 PM, Cheeky said:

I know I've brought this onto myself but when I feel like this I think I try to look for something to help. Im not going to up my medication as I've come so far and know I have to ride it out, its just so hard. I keep thinking that this is my new normal and it scares me.

Hi Cheeky,

I’m stopping by to offer my support. I’ve read some of your thread and wanted to highlight this particular part, looking outside yourself for help. I did this most of my adult life through alcohol, cigarettes, food and prescription medication. For me it’s about the trauma I never faced, learning how to sit with uncomfortable feelings.

As hard as it may feel you can do this, you can heal yourself. Are you meditating? What are your non drug coping skills? 

Do not blame yourself, you are doing the best that you can in this moment. You are trying hard to give yourself a healthy life. Be kind to yourself. It’s only going to get better 💗

[Cheeky]

Hi Mia, 

Thanks for you reply, I’m hanging in any support I can get at the moment. Today’s been really difficult, by far the worst. I’ve been trying to keep busy so I don’t pay attention to how I feel but it can be difficult at times. I’m trying to float through the feeling but the intense worry takes over. If this is a wave I will ride it out as I’ve done before but not knowing when it will end scares me. I think that gather my past 5 months of history, dropping too much at my last drop ,completely trashing myself , having major stress at work and the loss of my nephew is taking its toll now. I just hope this isn’t my permanent state.

[brassmonkey]

Hi Cheeky-- This isn't your permanent state, but, as you mentioned, a total of all the things going on in your life right now. All told it's just another wave, you've gotten through them before and will get through this one too. I won't chide you about the 12% reduction, but it is really important not to rush things. BTW, please update your signature with your current doses.

 

There is not reason to be afraid of a wave. Even though they can be quite unpleasant to go through,  they don't actually do any damage but are rather a sign of healing taking place and they do end.  You are doing all the right things to get through it. Hang in there and it will get better.

[Rusty1]

Sorry you are suffering.  The advice from others is probably the best, continue to hold and ride it out.  You have had a lot of contributing factors to put you in such a vulnerable state.  It is best to do everything you can to be patient and let that stabilize.

 

In the future you have learned that was too big of a drop and can do smaller drops.  I know I stayed to the 10% rule and there were times it felt like a pretty big drop.  In retrospect I would have done smaller than 10% drops.  When you do the math it seems like smaller drops will take longer, but once you start adding in hold times from when you feel unsettled I think even the 10% rule can take longer.  

 

The thing we all have in common is we know what you feel like and want you to feel better because that pain is very difficult.  Try to remind yourself that it will get better and give yourself the space to not feel too overwhelmed.

[Greatful]

@Cheeky I wanted to stop by here and thank you again for stopping by my place..  Theses waves are scary.  The worst for me is wondering if I will recover from my ocd phobia that came on with WD.  It gives me the most worry and panic, followed by depression.

Hang in there 

We will talk and cheer each other on

[Cheeky]

4 hours ago, brassmonkey said:

Hi Cheeky-- This isn't your permanent state, but, as you mentioned, a total of all the things going on in your life right now. All told it's just another wave, you've gotten through them before and will get through this one too. I won't chide you about the 12% reduction, but it is really important not to rush things. BTW, please update your signature with your current doses.

 

There is not reason to be afraid of a wave. Even though they can be quite unpleasant to go through,  they don't actually do any damage but are rather a sign of healing taking place and they do end.  You are doing all the right things to get through it. Hang in there and it will get better.

Thankyou Brassmonkey, so basically what it out and see what happens. Can a bigger drop catch up to you months later?

[Cheeky]

4 hours ago, Rusty1 said:

Sorry you are suffering.  The advice from others is probably the best, continue to hold and ride it out.  You have had a lot of contributing factors to put you in such a vulnerable state.  It is best to do everything you can to be patient and let that stabilize.

 

In the future you have learned that was too big of a drop and can do smaller drops.  I know I stayed to the 10% rule and there were times it felt like a pretty big drop.  In retrospect I would have done smaller than 10% drops.  When you do the math it seems like smaller drops will take longer, but once you start adding in hold times from when you feel unsettled I think even the 10% rule can take longer.  

 

The thing we all have in common is we know what you feel like and want you to feel better because that pain is very difficult.  Try to remind yourself that it will get better and give yourself the space to not feel too overwhelmed.

Thanks @Rusty1 trying to be positive and ignore it, this is just so difficult. I always worry that I won't come out of it, although I always have.

[Cheeky]

Hey everyone, I just did my calculations and realised my last drop was a 18% decrease, I thought I was invincible and now I realise why I’ve been feeling not that good since the last drop. I’m just going to have to ride it out.

[Cheeky]

Today has been better then yesterday, the aniexty had eased up but still tingling in my legs . I think I’m more depressed because I’ve come so far and this has happened . I feel this is going to be so hard for all of us and it’s cruel that we were never given  any warnings as to what these drugs could do to us. It really has changed my life. I’ve been trying to kept busy as I feel it distracts my mind. I have two boys to look after and feel so guilty I’m not being the mother they deserve, I’m pretending to be me but inside I’m a suffering. My husband is a great man but I know he can’t handle me not be able, they all rely on me so much as I’m the doer in the family always making everyone’s life easier. I love being a mum, wife and having a business and am normally so confident in my life but when this happens it knocks you off your feet and makes you feel vulnerable.

[Cheeky]

11 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky I wanted to stop by here and thank you again for stopping by my place..  Theses waves are scary.  The worst for me is wondering if I will recover from my ocd phobia that came on with WD.  It gives me the most worry and panic, followed by depression.

Hang in there 

We will talk and cheer each other on

I know exactly, we can be strong together, it’s the most frightening thing when your in it, you completely crumble. We will fight the way . I’ve got your back xx

[Cheeky]

okay lasted update, I woken up with the cortisol spikes the  cortisol spikes with the anxiety dome. Hoping I have a better day today. I did my calculations and have gone more then 10% reduction everymonthe for 6 months and I think im paying the price for that now. I just have to ride this out and have realized, a mistake i'm never going to do again, I have to go slower next drops and not rush this.

I will keep updating

[Cheeky]

Had a great yesterday, woke this morning with high anxiety, this can be so crazy, one day your normal and think your coming out of it then next your hit and  back in, hopefully it lifts as the day goes on. After this recent drop I will be doing nothing until Next year give my nervous system a break. 

[Cheeky]

Having a difficult day today, no appetite and feeling of chemical anxiety that goes through my body , it comes and goes and lots like a feeling when you’ve taken a drug and it has a reaction to it, a electrical currant, I get waves of it and sometimes my ears pop or I get head pains in my head randomly. I hate feeling like this . I really hop this is wave and nothing else. I think all the drops have accumulated and now this is happening. . Would love some reassurance @Gridley

[Rosetta]

(((Cheeky))) Thinking of you.  Drops do catch up with people months down the line.  I’m positive that’s what is happening to you, and it will resolve.  Take it easy on yourself.  You are entitled to give yourself a break with the mom stuff.  
 

Rosetta

[Cheeky]

13 minutes ago, Rosetta said:

(((Cheeky))) Thinking of you.  Drops do catch up with people months down the line.  I’m positive that’s what is happening to you, and it will resolve.  Take it easy on yourself.  You are entitled to give yourself a break with the mom stuff.  
 

Rosetta

Thanks @Rosalitafor replying I feel so alone in this, you know what it’s like to be a mother and having to be all there for them. This is so cruel on us, if only we all new the dangers. I’m really trying to distract myself and keep busy. I just hope this is a wave and comes out of it.

[Rosetta]

It must be a wave.  The cortisol spikes are really hard.  It is so outrageously cruel!

[Cheeky]

2 hours ago, Rosetta said:

It must be a wave.  The cortisol spikes are really hard.  It is so outrageously cruel!

Rosetta can you have these cortisol spikes at any time or only in the morning? 

[Gridley]

8 hours ago, Cheeky said:

it comes and goes and lots like a feeling when you’ve taken a drug and it has a reaction to it, a electrical currant, I get waves of it and sometimes my ears pop or I get head pains in my head randomly. I hate feeling like this . I really hop this is wave and nothing else. I think all the drops have accumulated and now this is happening.

Cheeky,

 

Rosetta's advice is very good and I hope will reassure you.  These are typical wave withdrawal symptoms.  This can definitely happen as a result of accumulated drops.

It will pass, as all waves do.

[Rosetta]

I think so.  I had different types of problems with the flight or flight response.  I had cortisol spikes early in the morning around 4 or 5.  I couldn’t fall back asleep for anything.  Later on, as I healed, I might be able to fall back asleep after one of them.  If I was able to fall back asleep, I might or might not have another cortisol spike.  I might have 3 or 4 in one morning.  
 

A different type of wake up issue were jolts.  I had jolts that woke me if I tried to take a nap in the day.  They sort of felt like the jolts that woke me early on the morning, but not exactly.  They were probably myclonic jerks.  I don’t know if those are linked to cortisol, but they are linked to the hormones that affect alertness, I believe.  
 

Now I have cortisol spikes sometimes.  They are usually in the middle of the night around 12:30 or 1, but I might have one only an hour after I fall asleep.  I might have one at almost any time of night or early morning.  What is different now is that I am able to fall asleep again, usually.  A couple of times a month I can’t fall asleep again, and I am up for hours.

 

If cortisol or activating hormones are high all day, they might spike after one feels a fright or overexerts oneself.  I would have high anxiety all day sometimes.  
 

Women have a lot of hormones that affect the activating hormones.  I blame that for making my various problems with cortisol or adrenaline worse.  I think that despite having no periods, I still have female hormone problems every couple of weeks.  I feel that they cause these periods of cortisol spikes and insomnia.   The spikes seem to come in clusters.

 

If you are worried there is something else wrong or that you have a disease, I don’t think so.  I really don’t, Cheeky.