Cheeky: on Paxil for 23 years needing advice

[Greatful]

I'm glad you are feeling better.  The road to recovery can be rough

 

32 minutes ago, Cheeky said:

I understand why people don’t  come back and write success stories,

Don't say that, we need success stories😊 

 

22 minutes ago, Cheeky said:

Thankfully I’m doing good 85% back to normal. I really didn’t think I would ever be stable again.

I am dreaming of that😴 

It is funny how we can't remember feeling good even it we were in a wave 2 days before. 

It is also weird how 1 mg  could make that much of a difference.

Have a good day♥️

 

[Cheeky]

Just now, Greatful said:

Don't say that, we need success stories😊 

Of course we need them, that’s all I was looking at while in waves. But I know there would be thousands that healed. 

[Cheeky]

2 minutes ago, Greatful said:

am dreaming of that😴 

You will you just don’t feel it while in a wave,  your minds plates tricks on you and everything seems 1000 times worse. 

[Cheeky]

11 minutes ago, Greatful said:

is also weird how 1 mg  could make that much of a difference.

Yep, it just shows you  can’t go to fast and drop too much. It all catches up to you . I will never do that again. 
Im not going to focus on getting to zero, I just won’t to get to the lowest dose possible and live my life while tapering . 

[Greatful]

makes me a little worried on cutting.  I was thinking about maybe 1 or 2 % in Sept.

 

I am taking a leave of absence from work this fall. I work in a high school kitchen and I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet. As much as having a schedule and keeping busy would be nice, I just don't think I could handle it, my brain just isn't working quite right yet.  Still in pretty big wd.  We have a law that you can apply for FMLA  Family Medical Leave Act.  My therapist will fill out the paper work. I am not sure how this all works, but hoping I can be off until January.  

 

 

[Cheeky]

1 minute ago, Greatful said:

makes me a little worried on cutting.  I was thinking about maybe 1 or 2 % in Sept.

 

I am taking a leave of absence from work this fall. I work in a high school kitchen and I don't think I am ready to go back to work yet. As much as having a schedule and keeping busy would be nice, I just don't think I could handle it, my brain just isn't working quite right yet.  Still in pretty big wd.  We have a law that you can apply for FMLA  Family Medical Leave Act.  My therapist will fill out the paper work. I am not sure how this all works, but hoping I can be off until January.  

 

 

@Greatful you were on Prozac for a long time, do you think your going through withdrawals from that and the start up effects of Lexpro. I know that for me when I went off Paxil that I was using for 20 years and tried other drugs that didn’t seem to work , I risked it and went back to Paxil  because I had a gut feeling that is what my brain was wanting. The mods hear told me to stay on the Zoloft but one of the members @ladybug told me to go back on and I did . It worked 

[Greatful]

When I first started ssri I was put on Prozac.  It never really took care of the anxiety, so a few years later I went on Lexapro.  Stayed on that for several years.  Tried to stop a few times, well you know how well that turned out.  Summer of2014 I tried to go off it again and crashed when I tried to go back on it I think I kindled,  I got anxiety so bad my husband could feel the electricity going through my body when he would hold me.  Eventually ended up in the hospital, many drug changes then too, that's when I ended back on Prozac.  I really think it started to poop out the winter of 2019,  I was very up and down with emotions and my anger was getting worse.  I also had 2 really bad days at work where I cried and couldn't stop.  I would cry if you looked at me. Then I tried to taper off last summer 2020,  That is when all the fun began last fall and winter.  

Which brings me to if I am having some side effects from the Lex.  I really should have quit it when I had such a bad reaction ( I wonder if I was having adverse reaction to it from when I kindled in 2014) when I started it in April out of desperation.  I really tried to make it work and stayed on it long enough to have wd from that too, so didn't ct it just went down to 5mg.

 

 So I think I have wd from the Prozac  and the 5 weeks of Zoloft I tried in Dec ct'd  and the 6 weeks of Seroquel I ct'd in March and the up and down of Lex. I was also dropping my Lamictal fast during all this. and w/d from the xanax that I  cut down to fast in May. ( my doctor didn't know I was cutting xanax, not that he would have cared, he kept pushing me to take more.) All this before I got advice from SA to hold at 5mg of Lex.  'would you like the name of my doctor.  I could refer him to you.  After learning so much on SA it makes me angry that my doctor let this happen.   Boy did this trigger me  UGH

 

 So that is why I feel stuck, What are my options.  Try another drug, go through wd of lex and start up side effects of another drug, stay where I am at and hope that healing doesn't take forever.  I feel panicky and trapped sometimes.

 

 

[Cheeky]

10 minutes ago, Greatful said:

When I first started ssri I was put on Prozac.  It never really took care of the anxiety, so a few years later I went on Lexapro.  Stayed on that for several years.  Tried to stop a few times, well you know how well that turned out.  Summer of2014 I tried to go off it again and crashed when I tried to go back on it I think I kindled,  I got anxiety so bad my husband could feel the electricity going through my body when he would hold me.  Eventually ended up in the hospital, many drug changes then too, that's when I ended back on Prozac.  I really think it started to poop out the winter of 2019,  I was very up and down with emotions and my anger was getting worse.  I also had 2 really bad days at work where I cried and couldn't stop.  I would cry if you looked at me. Then I tried to taper off last summer 2020,  That is when all the fun began last fall and winter.  

Which brings me to if I am having some side effects from the Lex.  I really should have quit it when I had such a bad reaction ( I wonder if I was having adverse reaction to it from when I kindled in 2014) when I started it in April out of desperation.  I really tried to make it work and stayed on it long enough to have wd from that too, so didn't ct it just went down to 5mg.

 

 So I think I have wd from the Prozac  and the 5 weeks of Zoloft I tried in Dec ct'd  and the 6 weeks of Seroquel I ct'd in March and the up and down of Lex. I was also dropping my Lamictal fast during all this. and w/d from the xanax that I  cut down to fast in May. ( my doctor didn't know I was cutting xanax, not that he would have cared, he kept pushing me to take more.) All this before I got advice from SA to hold at 5mg of Lex.  'would you like the name of my doctor.  I could refer him to you.  After learning so much on SA it makes me angry that my doctor let this happen.   Boy did this trigger me  UGH

 

 So that is why I feel stuck, What are my options.  Try another drug, go through wd of lex and start up side effects of another drug, stay where I am at and hope that healing doesn't take forever.  I feel panicky and trapped sometimes.

 

 

I wouldn’t change anything   I know your not feeling good at the moment. But I know our brains need stability. I really believe all those changes are why your the way you are. You have to give it time. What did the kids say ?

[Cheeky]

Okay update…

So the last 5 days I have improved a lot , I still feel the body aniexty but my mind is all clear , no brain fog, headaches, mornings are better, sleeping well 8 hours a night, appetite back by 70% . Today has been the probably the worst out of the 5  but I know it’s not going to be liner. I think I’m still traumatised after suffering so but the last couple of months that I’m looking for problems. We’re in lockdown at the moment so staying at home all day isn’t helping at all .I just hope I stay on the right track.

[Cheeky]

Okay update, 

Last night I was watching movies with my son laughing having a great time 110% Normal then today feel like I’ve entered a wave my head is clear but it the body symptoms. Inner vibrations that come on strong and then disappear. When I’m like that I feel all doom and gloom and worried about my future. 
I watched a interview on “inner compass” with Dr Shipko and it was very discouraging  you can watch it here . 
https://www.facebook.com/medicatingnormalfilm/videos/1002145370552449/

I think he basically says if you’ve been on these drugs long term like me and have no side effects then just stay on them . What do you mods think of  this interview  @Colonial. @Altostrata @brassmonkey

[wantrelief]

Hi Cheeky,

 

I am sorry you are going through a rough time at the moment.  I responded to you on my thread but wanted to reach out to you on yours to lend support.  You are doing really well getting through these waves as best you can.

 

9 hours ago, Cheeky said:

When I’m like that I feel all doom and gloom and worried about my future. 

It is really difficult not to feel this way when you are feeling ill and in fact I think it is a withdrawal symptom in itself.

 

It is so challenging but keep hanging in there bravely as you are....things will settle again.  

 

[Colonial]

On 8/13/2021 at 4:47 AM, Cheeky said:

I think I’m still traumatised after suffering so but the last couple of months that I’m looking for problems.

 

I agree.

 

Your just starting to show real improvement and perhaps reading and watching all these interviews is counter productive in the the worst of our WD since, as I mentioned, the constant negative reinforcement perpetuates the wave, symptoms and the trauma.

 

You said you were having a great time with your son and, I think from your post, afterwards you went and watched this. I'm not saying you shouldnt do research, but we will find whatever it is we are looking for, good or bad. You may really want to think about what it is your really looking for, positive stories or stories that reinforce a negative outcome.

 

Unfortunately I don't have 55 minutes to watch the whole thing.

Is there a particular time stamp or 5 minute section your asking about?

I'm not quite sure what your question is.

 

[Altostrata]

Please use search to see our discussions about Dr. Shipko's warnings.

[Cheeky]

7 hours ago, wantrelief said:

Hi Cheeky,

 

I am sorry you are going through a rough time at the moment.  I responded to you on my thread but wanted to reach out to you on yours to lend support.  You are doing really well getting through these waves as best you can.

 

It is really difficult not to feel this way when you are feeling ill and in fact I think it is a withdrawal symptom in itself.

 

It is so challenging but keep hanging in there bravely as you are....things will settle again.  

 

 

Thankyou for your kinds words.  It just a crazy process. I appreciate you coming for a by x

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  Good morning,  thought I would answer you on your thread.  Yes we have to be strong and take each day as a new day. I am feeling a little better this evening. At least not jumping out of my skin and trying to accept the day.

 

How was the 😴💤

 

 

[Cheeky]

2 hours ago, Colonial said:

 

I agree.

 

Your just starting to show real improvement and perhaps reading and watching all these interviews is counter productive in the the worst of our WD since, as I mentioned, the constant negative reinforcement perpetuates the wave, symptoms and the trauma.

 

You said you were having a great time with your son and, I think from your post, afterwards you went and watched this. I'm not saying you shouldnt do research, but we will find whatever it is we are looking for, good or bad. You may really want to think about what it is your really looking for, positive stories or stories that reinforce a negative outcome.

 

Unfortunately I don't have 55 minutes to watch the whole thing.

Is there a particular time stamp or 5 minute section your asking about?

I'm not quite sure what your question is.

 

@Colonial  I tend to research a lot while in a wave, I become very focused on trying to find information that could help me but by doing that I came across disturbing stories and it brings on panic . I know I shouldn’t do that , especially in a wave. 

[Cheeky]

4 minutes ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky  Good morning,  thought I would answer you on your thread.  Yes we have to be strong and take each day as a new day. I am feeling a little better this evening. At least not jumping out of my skin and trying to accept the day.

 

How was the 😴💤

 

 

I slept good , so that’s a bonus. I’m happy this evening your getting some relief. Enjoy it . 

[Anthony75]

@Cheeky

 

Hi Cheeky,

 

Happy to hear you’re feeling better. 

[Cheeky]

Hey Anthony, 

how are you ?  I noticed your back on Paxil, you went through a lot last time I spoke to you. I hope your stabilising. 
I went back on Paxil in 2016, I know it was what I needed but they added Seroquel as well unfortunately, now I’ve been tapering off both fir the last few years but hit too confident and drops my Seroquel by 20% that why I’ve been in living hell the last couple of months . I went up by 1mg and that did help but everyday is different. This is really a sh*tty thing to go through , I forgot how had the withdrawals are and the crash in 2916 scared the hell out of me. I have a long road to go but I’m not staying on these pistons forever. I just don’t know why zi didn’t come off earlier. Like was good until zi tried coming off , now I’m left with a sensitive CNS. I’m definitely not dropping until next year . 

[Anthony75]

@Cheeky

 

I don’t blame you for wanting to wait and stabilize. I’m still in protracted withdrawals with windows and waves from a few years ago. Getting better for sure though. In a window I feel like this all never happened but in a wave it’s still rough. I understand the feeling of a long road ahead. You’re definitely not alone in that. I’m way behind you if that makes you feel any better. I’ve been trying to post more and get more involved with this forum. For some reason I get very anxious posting on the internet or in texts. Always anxious something is going to come across wrong. Enough about me. This definitely is a sh*tty thing to go through but you will make it. You fought this far. You definitely have it in you. It was good talking to you again. I hope you continue to feel better every day. If you ever need to talk I’m here.

[Colonial]

 "Use search to see our discussions about Dr. Shipko's warnings."

 

I wasn't able to find a particular thread about just this doctor and I'm not sure if this referred to a warning about the doctor Himself or just His concerns but I did have time today to watch it.

 

Without knowing anything about Him before, it seems to Me based not so much on what He said but on HOW He said it, His facial expressions and tone of voice, that He's someone who has seen a lot of unfortunate situations and He's experiencing, to some extent, a bit of PTSD Himself around the whole process. This is understandable because many times Psychiatrists "Inherit" a lot of other doctors mistakes and/or out and out malpractice.

 

I ran into this myself, the original Psychiatrist doctor refused to take Me BACK as a patient once I was in crisis after what, to their view, was my primary doctors mistakes in putting Me on 2 meds at the same time they thought I should never have been poly drugged. Once they found out WHY I was coming back to them they stopped taking my calls and cancelled My intake process.

 

Then, You add in what ever mistakes He may or may not have made Himself over the years and it's understandable why some would stop "helping" with formulating WD plans.  

 

You also have to take into account that whatever His idea of a responsible taper may not be realistic. If a doctor's negative view of WD being a success is predicated on thinking your going to WD a person off a med in only 8 months then the WD isnt the problem the expectations are.

 

He seemed a bit distraught over a patient who was on 50mgs of Zoloft, and He says He dropped Him to 47.5 one month and 45.0 the next and it was a disaster, but without knowing the rest of the story you cant make a decision on whether that should even have been done at that time.

 

Was the guy reinstated on Zoloft too high after a CT? How many times was the man poly drugged and withdrawn irresponsibly? How long since his last med drop? What other health issues were going on at the time- life stressors?  There's more to things working out than just the scientific formula and I kind of come away from the interview that He really wasn't very knowledgeable about the process from the beginning, perhaps had expectations that were unrealistic and ended up a bit traumatized Himself along the way and that's why He seems so negatively drastic about the whole thing.

 

WD done correctly from the beginning can be a positive thing.

Done incorrectly, it often ends with not only a lot of suffering but reinstatement with a 2nd or 3rd drug added on. 

 

It's one of those things were, again, we will find what we look for and if we open ourselves to too much unfiltered negativity while in a vulnerable place ourselves we can come away worse than before. 

 

The good news is, you seem to be doing a bit better now that your up to 16mgs.

You deserve a positive break after everything you've gone through so allow yourself to have one.

 

[Cheeky]

20 minutes ago, Colonial said:

 "Use search to see our discussions about Dr. Shipko's warnings."

 

I wasn't able to find a particular thread about just this doctor and I'm not sure if this referred to a warning about the doctor Himself or just His concerns but I did have time today to watch it.

 

Without knowing anything about Him before, it seems to Me based not so much on what He said but on HOW He said it, His facial expressions and tone of voice, that He's someone who has seen a lot of unfortunate situations and He's experiencing, to some extent, a bit of PTSD Himself around the whole process. This is understandable because many times Psychiatrists "Inherit" a lot of other doctors mistakes and/or out and out malpractice.

 

I ran into this myself, the original Psychiatrist doctor refused to take Me BACK as a patient once I was in crisis after what, to their view, was my primary doctors mistakes in putting Me on 2 meds at the same time they thought I should never have been poly drugged. Once they found out WHY I was coming back to them they stopped taking my calls and cancelled My intake process.

 

Then, You add in what ever mistakes He may or may not have made Himself over the years and it's understandable why some would stop "helping" with formulating WD plans.  

 

You also have to take into account that whatever His idea of a responsible taper may not be realistic. If a doctor's negative view of WD being a success is predicated on thinking your going to WD a person off a med in only 8 months then the WD isnt the problem the expectations are.

 

He seemed a bit distraught over a patient who was on 50mgs of Zoloft, and He says He dropped Him to 47.5 one month and 45.0 the next and it was a disaster, but without knowing the rest of the story you cant make a decision on whether that should even have been done at that time.

 

Was the guy reinstated on Zoloft too high after a CT? How many times was the man poly drugged and withdrawn irresponsibly? How long since his last med drop? What other health issues were going on at the time- life stressors?  There's more to things working out than just the scientific formula and I kind of come away from the interview that He really wasn't very knowledgeable about the process from the beginning, perhaps had expectations that were unrealistic and ended up a bit traumatized Himself along the way and that's why He seems so negatively drastic about the whole thing.

 

WD done correctly from the beginning can be a positive thing.

Done incorrectly, it often ends with not only a lot of suffering but reinstatement with a 2nd or 3rd drug added on. 

 

It's one of those things were, again, we will find what we look for and if we open ourselves to too much unfiltered negativity while in a vulnerable place ourselves we can come away worse than before. 

 

The good news is, you seem to be doing a bit better now that your up to 16mgs.

You deserve a positive break after everything you've gone through so allow yourself to have one.

 

Yeah I agree , I am better for sure with that extra 1mg but am still having waves and windows pattern.  I suppose that’s how this works right .

[Cheeky]

19 hours ago, Anthony75 said:

h. In a window I feel like this all never happened but in a wave it’s still roug

This is exactly what happens to me , I feel back to normal and organise  doing things on following days and then that day while come and I’m in a wave and I  can’t manage to do anything.

[Cheeky]

19 hours ago, Anthony75 said:

you ever need to talk I’m here.

Thanks and that goes to you too.

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  Hi,  how was your night?  

[Anthony75]

@Cheeky

 

Thank you Cheeky 

[Cheeky]

3 hours ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky  Hi,  how was your night?  

I had watched a movie that was great and felt good, I went  to sleep at about 11.30pm and had a awful night, i perspired had chills and a awful

nightmare, I’ve never had a bad nightmare before, I feel it was like a toxic sleep. I woke myself out on a jumper and went back to sleep. I knew it was going to be an awful day today because off the no night I had. I spent all morning feeling depressed and that brought on all my worries. During the day I felt some what better and keep myself busy cooking meals.  Now I’m on the way to do someone’s hair and I couldn’t be bothered 😕, I will though. This is really is a never ending rollar coaster.

Enough about me, how are you @Greatful

[Paquita]

Wow, what a story Cheeky!

It's hard to stay positive when you have the feeling things get out of control.

I know how it feels. Hope tomorrow will be better for you.

[Cheeky]

50 minutes ago, Paquita said:

Wow, what a story Cheeky!

It's hard to stay positive when you have the feeling things get out of control.

I know how it feels. Hope tomorrow will be better for you.

Thankyou @Paquita,

It just feel relentless. It’s hard not having control of your mind and body. 

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  I responded to your post earlier and it disappeared🤥

I am sorry you have been a little down.  

I am sure it was a welcome relief in the afternoon.  Are you still spending time with your mom and sister?  

Is you shop open during lock down?  

I hope you had a better night last night......

[Cheeky]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

@Cheeky  I responded to your post earlier and it disappeared🤥

I am sorry you have been a little down.  

I am sure it was a welcome relief in the afternoon.  Are you still spending time with your mom and sister?  

Is you shop open during lock down?  

I hope you had a better night last night......

Yeah I’m spending time with my mum, we’re cooking together so that’s nice. My shop has been closed for 2 months now due to Covid, so that is another worry I have. Today I’m just down, my husband has been asking me to do things I could normally do with ease and I’m finding it hard to cope with the added stress.  I feel I will never be the same again.

[Greatful]

@Cheeky

Wow that must be hard to not have work.  Hopefully  you get of some sort compensation for being shut down for so long.

58 minutes ago, Cheeky said:

I’m just down, my husband has been asking me to do things I could normally do with ease and I’m finding it hard to cope with the added stress.  

I know the feeling when you just don't have the energy or interest in things.  

Be kind to yourself. Remember self care, patience and most important self love.  

If you are not up to doing the things your husband asks, remind him that you are not yet recovered and you are doing the best that you can right now.

58 minutes ago, Cheeky said:

 I feel I will never be the same again.

Yes you will be and even better.  I know how easy it is  to get dragged down into thinking this way when you have been feeling awful for so long, but you can do this.

 

Do you meditate?

Edited August 18, 2021 by Greatful

[Cheeky]

1 hour ago, Greatful said:

Do you meditate?

No I don’t , think I won’t be able . Do you have any suggestions?

[Kat66]

On 8/9/2021 at 4:54 AM, Cheeky said:

That’s so true, I think I’m going to give the forum a break because I find it all to triggering for me and makes me anxious reading all the posts. I want to support people but it’s becoming to hard for me . I might just keep a couple of friends to support.

I too find it hard to stay on here for long @Cheeky - I feel overwhelmed at the sheer volume of information and find I feel guilty for not supporting anyone. But I can barely support myself so I must remember to be gentle with myself. You need to look after yourself first x

[brassmonkey]

Support isn't all about giving information and advise. The relief new members get just by knowing that they are not alone and not crazy is amazing. Just going on a persons thread and saying "Hi, I was thinking about you today" goes a long ways.

 

When we are in the thick of it ADWD is a very self absorbed, personal journey that required our full attention, leaving us with less than nothing to give back. It is all part of the process and we all go through it. That is where the concept of "pay it forward" comes in. You may not be in a position to be supportive ATM, but as you progress and start to feel better slowly reaching out to others can greatly improve how you feel. As the journey requires it we take what we need when we need it and give back what we can when we can.

 

As for the amount of information here, it can be overpowering. I learn something new almost every day. Helping you make sense of it all is what the moderators and mentors are here for.

[Greatful]

@Cheeky  Good morning to you.  I wanted to check in with you and tell you to have a good day.

I really strongly recommend meditation.  I try to do it 2 x a day.  I am using a guided one in the afternoon and a more casual one in the evening (head space)meditation is a stepping stone to mindfulness during the day and how to acknowledge your thoughts but not to engage in them and then to refocus on something else. I find that it is helping me not get sucked into thought spirals as much or as deep. I can acknowledge my thoughts during the day and know that's just what they are is thoughts and I get to chose the value or the importance of the thought.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.  It is hard to explain.  Our thoughts can have a big impact on our lives and cause a lot of anxiety. 

CBT  is also a good way to recognize distorted thinking and teaches you how to change the distorted thinking.

I think both of the skills are good.

 

If your interested mia1 is has a really good understanding of meditation and I am sure she would be happy to help you.