Tilly - Escitalopram / Lexapro Tapering - advice please

[Tilly]

I woke up crying today. I'm so exhausted with battling a 'care' system to access my prescription. The daily struggle of withdrawal is enough to contend with itself, made worse by my recent drop in medication that was made out of necessity, not choice due to my GP's 'wisdom' to with hold further prescriptions. 

 

I have built on steady progress over the past 5 months, I now feel that that progress is unravelling around me. I try to keep my posts as positive as possible. Today, I feel no positivity at all. I am sliding into a too rapid withdrawal with increased symptoms and feelings of hopelessness.

[ikam]

 

 

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

(((Tilly)))

Hi Ikam, 

 

It is a sad reflection of the state of primary care services for SSRI users in the UK when the only way to secure treatment is to lie. I couldn't afford a private Dr and have no wish to have any dealings with a psychiatrist. I'll have to access an out of hours GP when my local surgery re opens next week.

 

I just read your post today on your page. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Holidays can intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. I hope that these feelings pass soon. Rest well & be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs back to you.

 

Tilly x

Thank you Tilly. Despite of your problems you found good, supporting words for me. I did not realise that my mood relates to holidays, you are right...i feel everybody spends this time with families or friends...

 

I tried on many occassions to talk to GPs, to negotiate options...i have learnt that it is better for me not to disclose everything...

I don't tell them about my decrease, this way I am in control...this is how I did with effexor, so I had my prescriptions for as long as I needed them...

 

I had many difficult situations with doctors, not only with prescriptions but also with referrals for essential assessments...i spent lots of money on private investigations...i don't have money at present, and I have been waiting for gastro appointment...maybe not so bad as I am trying to find other ways of treatment...

But manage to get repeat prescriptions for probiotics...

 

Do you have any prescription? Have you had to decrease again?

[LoveandLight]

So sorry Tilly x

[AliG]

  Hi Tilly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing.  I'm so sorry you're feeling like this today.  I can understand your frustration with the "system ". It's maddening  !!    Try not to drop the ball, now, as you've been doing so well, and your posts have been very positive , which is a credit to you.  Be gentle with yourself at this time and I'm sure things will turn around for the best.   Thank you for the words of encouragement on my thread. They meant a lot, and I'm hoping , you get a little boost to know I'm thinking good thoughts for you as well.

 

Take care,   Ali

[dalsaan]

HI Tilly

 

I'm really sorry this is happening for you.   Try not to despair just yet.  Is there any advocate you could engage on your behalf?   A social worker somewhere, even your local member of parliament.   Name the issue of agoraphobia and not being able to register with your new GP

 

Dalsaan

[Tilly]

 

 

 

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

(((Tilly)))

Hi Ikam, 

 

It is a sad reflection of the state of primary care services for SSRI users in the UK when the only way to secure treatment is to lie. I couldn't afford a private Dr and have no wish to have any dealings with a psychiatrist. I'll have to access an out of hours GP when my local surgery re opens next week.

 

I just read your post today on your page. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Holidays can intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. I hope that these feelings pass soon. Rest well & be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs back to you.

 

Tilly x

Thank you Tilly. Despite of your problems you found good, supporting words for me. I did not realise that my mood relates to holidays, you are right...i feel everybody spends this time with families or friends...

 

I tried on many occassions to talk to GPs, to negotiate options...i have learnt that it is better for me not to disclose everything...

I don't tell them about my decrease, this way I am in control...this is how I did with effexor, so I had my prescriptions for as long as I needed them...

 

I had many difficult situations with doctors, not only with prescriptions but also with referrals for essential assessments...i spent lots of money on private investigations...i don't have money at present, and I have been waiting for gastro appointment...maybe not so bad as I am trying to find other ways of treatment...

But manage to get repeat prescriptions for probiotics...

 

Do you have any prescription? Have you had to decrease again?

 

 

Hi Ikam,

 

I am very much in the same position as you in having no family and empathise. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can hit you very hard. Somehow being aware of this and the fact that you are not the only one experiencing this can be a small comfort. 

 

I have had to decrease from 5mg to 2.5mg last Monday to stretch out what little medication I have left after holding at 5mg for 5 months and stabilising a lot. All of that hard work is now unravelling quickly. I am very tearful, shaky, sweating profusely, and experiencing nausea and wretching feeling like I need to vomit (sorry). My mood is the lowest I can remember it being and I feel that I have no control over my well being in the absence of prescriptions to support my tapering.

 

I completely understand the problems that you have had with GPs, Ikam. I have very little respect for their knowledge base in relation to SSRIs and and how they exercise their duty of care in relation to SSRI users as a consequence of personal experience and professional experience of working with them in the past and advocating for SSRI, antipsychotic and benzodiazepine users. The same goes for psychiatrists. The more I have learned in the last 6 months, the less credibility they have.

 

I hope that you are doing a little better today? Are there any support networks that you can access locally? 

 

Take good care, Ikam.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

  Hi Tilly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing.  I'm so sorry you're feeling like this today.  I can understand your frustration with the "system ". It's maddening  !!    Try not to drop the ball, now, as you've been doing so well, and your posts have been very positive , which is a credit to you.  Be gentle with yourself at this time and I'm sure things will turn around for the best.   Thank you for the words of encouragement on my thread. They meant a lot, and I'm hoping , you get a little boost to know I'm thinking good thoughts for you as well.

 

Take care,   Ali

Hi Ali,

 

Thank you for stopping by. Your kind words and thoughts do help and bring comfort.

 

I hope that the events of this coming week are positive for both of us.

 

Take good care, Ali.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

So sorry Tilly x

Thank you for stopping by Love&Light (beautiful user name). I appreciate it.

 

Take good care.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

HI Tilly

 

I'm really sorry this is happening for you.   Try not to despair just yet.  Is there any advocate you could engage on your behalf?   A social worker somewhere, even your local member of parliament.   Name the issue of agoraphobia and not being able to register with your new GP

 

Dalsaan

Hi Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for stopping by. I tried to access a social worker and support services in November, but need a GP to refer me. Writing to my MP is my next step as is contacting a medical solicitor.

 

Agoraphobia is just as debilitating as physical disabilities and is recognised under UK disability discrimination law but fails to be taken as seriously, in my experience, where doctors and medical professionals  are concerned.

 

My GPs are in breach of NICE guidelines on the treatment of agoraphobia. I have highlighted these failings at length in my letter of complaint to my surgery practice manager.

 

Excerpt from my letter below:

 

I explained to Dr ___ my evidence based fears about withdrawal, based on experience of protracted withdrawal due to discontinuing medication too rapidly a few years ago. NICE guidelines recognise this to be a practice consideration for GPs

 

"Discontinuation symptoms include increased mood change, restlessness, difficulty sleeping, unsteadiness, sweating, abdominal symptoms and altered sensations." These guidelines also recognise the risk of discontinuation syndrome is increased where it has presented previously.

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry concurs, stating "Psychiatric drugs can have powerful withdrawal effects, and rapid or cold turkey withdrawal can be very dangerous and lead to more severe and long-lasting symptoms. It is therefore important that anyone deciding to withdraw from psychiatric medication tapers off slowly under the supervision of an experienced doctor who is well-informed about withdrawal and who respects the patient’s desire to come off their medication".

 

I advised Dr ___ that my ongoing use of psychoactive SSRI medication in recent years was due to the difficulty in withdrawing from them as opposed to the fact that they had any health benefits. My last attempt to withdraw and experience of protracted withdrawal / discontnuation syndrome over a period of several months which produced a series of distressing symptoms, which further debilitated me and culminated in episodes of self harm due to despair caused by the distressing symptoms of withdrawal. Dr ___ stated that he believed that I was at no risk.

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder and agoraphobia states that:

 

"At the end of treatment, withdraw the SSRI gradually, as dictated by patient preference, and monitor monthly for relapse for as long as appropriate to the individual."

 

"Abrupt withdrawal is imprudent and may result in additional distress and disability" Dr Peter Breggin (Your Drug Might be your Problem).

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry adds that "Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs can be disabling and can cause a range of severe physical and psychological effects which often last for months and sometimes years; in some cases, withdrawal charities report, it may lead to suicide."

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder with agoraphobia suggests referrals for home support services & CPN's (especially where there is a known risk of self harm) which may have assisted my recovery. I have never received these services, which may have also have had preventative effects in de-escalating the extent and severity of agoraphobia that I now suffer with, had they have been implemented early enough.

 

(end of excerpt)

 

 

'Local resolution' by complaining to my GP directly is not going to cut it in terms of accessing services and treatment. I feel that I need to pursue this matter legally when I have the strength to do so on the basis of lack of informed consent in the first instance and clinical negligence throughout my treatment which has significantly effected health outcomes for me.

 

In the meantime I am working on accessing a prescription next week.

 

Take good care Dalsaan, I know that you are struggling too right now. You are in my thoughts.

 

Tilly x

[ikam]

 

 

 

 

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

(((Tilly)))

Hi Ikam, 

 

It is a sad reflection of the state of primary care services for SSRI users in the UK when the only way to secure treatment is to lie. I couldn't afford a private Dr and have no wish to have any dealings with a psychiatrist. I'll have to access an out of hours GP when my local surgery re opens next week.

 

I just read your post today on your page. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Holidays can intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. I hope that these feelings pass soon. Rest well & be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs back to you.

 

Tilly x

Thank you Tilly. Despite of your problems you found good, supporting words for me. I did not realise that my mood relates to holidays, you are right...i feel everybody spends this time with families or friends...

I tried on many occassions to talk to GPs, to negotiate options...i have learnt that it is better for me not to disclose everything...

I don't tell them about my decrease, this way I am in control...this is how I did with effexor, so I had my prescriptions for as long as I needed them...

I had many difficult situations with doctors, not only with prescriptions but also with referrals for essential assessments...i spent lots of money on private investigations...i don't have money at present, and I have been waiting for gastro appointment...maybe not so bad as I am trying to find other ways of treatment...

But manage to get repeat prescriptions for probiotics...

Do you have any prescription? Have you had to decrease again?

 

Hi Ikam,

 

I am very much in the same position as you in having no family and empathise. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can hit you very hard. Somehow being aware of this and the fact that you are not the only one experiencing this can be a small comfort. 

 

I have had to decrease from 5mg to 2.5mg last Monday to stretch out what little medication I have left after holding at 5mg for 5 months and stabilising a lot. All of that hard work is now unravelling quickly. I am very tearful, shaky, sweating profusely, and experiencing nausea and wretching feeling like I need to vomit (sorry). My mood is the lowest I can remember it being and I feel that I have no control over my well being in the absence of prescriptions to support my tapering.

 

I completely understand the problems that you have had with GPs, Ikam. I have very little respect for their knowledge base in relation to SSRIs and and how they exercise their duty of care in relation to SSRI users as a consequence of personal experience and professional experience of working with them in the past and advocating for SSRI, antipsychotic and benzodiazepine users. The same goes for psychiatrists. The more I have learned in the last 6 months, the less credibility they have.

 

I hope that you are doing a little better today? Are there any support networks that you can access locally? 

 

Take good care, Ikam.

 

Tilly x

Thank you. I am a bit better now, just came back from my therapy session.

 

Tilly, would you like me to send you pack of 10mg? let me know, please. I feel so much for you, I remember how I felt when I had to cut faster...

[ikam]

 

HI Tilly

 

I'm really sorry this is happening for you.   Try not to despair just yet.  Is there any advocate you could engage on your behalf?   A social worker somewhere, even your local member of parliament.   Name the issue of agoraphobia and not being able to register with your new GP

 

Dalsaan

 

Hi Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for stopping by. I tried to access a social worker and support services in November, but need a GP to refer me. Writing to my MP is my next step as is contacting a medical solicitor.

 

Agoraphobia is just as debilitating as physical disabilities and is recognised under UK disability discrimination law but fails to be taken as seriously, in my experience, where doctors and medical professionals  are concerned.

 

My GPs are in breach of NICE guidelines on the treatment of agoraphobia. I have highlighted these failings at length in my letter of complaint to my surgery practice manager.

 

Excerpt from my letter below:

 

I explained to Dr ___ my evidence based fears about withdrawal, based on experience of protracted withdrawal due to discontinuing medication too rapidly a few years ago. NICE guidelines recognise this to be a practice consideration for GPs

 

"Discontinuation symptoms include increased mood change, restlessness, difficulty sleeping, unsteadiness, sweating, abdominal symptoms and altered sensations." These guidelines also recognise the risk of discontinuation syndrome is increased where it has presented previously.

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry concurs, stating "Psychiatric drugs can have powerful withdrawal effects, and rapid or cold turkey withdrawal can be very dangerous and lead to more severe and long-lasting symptoms. It is therefore important that anyone deciding to withdraw from psychiatric medication tapers off slowly under the supervision of an experienced doctor who is well-informed about withdrawal and who respects the patient’s desire to come off their medication".

 

I advised Dr ___ that my ongoing use of psychoactive SSRI medication in recent years was due to the difficulty in withdrawing from them as opposed to the fact that they had any health benefits. My last attempt to withdraw and experience of protracted withdrawal / discontnuation syndrome over a period of several months which produced a series of distressing symptoms, which further debilitated me and culminated in episodes of self harm due to despair caused by the distressing symptoms of withdrawal. Dr ___ stated that he believed that I was at no risk.

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder and agoraphobia states that:

 

"At the end of treatment, withdraw the SSRI gradually, as dictated by patient preference, and monitor monthly for relapse for as long as appropriate to the individual."

 

"Abrupt withdrawal is imprudent and may result in additional distress and disability" Dr Peter Breggin (Your Drug Might be your Problem).

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry adds that "Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs can be disabling and can cause a range of severe physical and psychological effects which often last for months and sometimes years; in some cases, withdrawal charities report, it may lead to suicide."

 

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder with agoraphobia suggests referrals for home support services & CPN's (especially where there is a known risk of self harm) which may have assisted my recovery. I have never received these services, which may have also have had preventative effects in de-escalating the extent and severity of agoraphobia that I now suffer with, had they have been implemented early enough.

 

(end of excerpt)

 

 

 

'Local resolution' by complaining to my GP directly is not going to cut it in terms of accessing services and treatment. I feel that I need to pursue this matter legally when I have the strength to do so on the basis of lack of informed consent in the first instance and clinical negligence throughout my treatment which has significantly effected health outcomes for me.

 

In the meantime I am working on accessing a prescription next week.

 

Take good care Dalsaan, I know that you are struggling too right now. You are in my thoughts.

 

Tilly x

Have you contacted PALS?

[Tilly]

 

 

 

 

 

 

My GP spoke over me saying there was no risk to me stopping my medication.

 

This doctor is not only rude but an idiot.  I'm so sorry to hear of your bad treatment, Tilly.  Is there any way you can keep looking for another GP?

Tilly, I am sorry to hear this. I was wondering how you have been doing...I don't know what to say...

As I expected that it is difficult to talk to GPs I never told them that I have been tappering...so I get my prescription...

I can relate to the grief response, I have been dealing with this as well, mostly feeling of loss...

Could you find any privste doctor? I am with a private psychiatrist...

(((Tilly)))

Hi Ikam, 

 

It is a sad reflection of the state of primary care services for SSRI users in the UK when the only way to secure treatment is to lie. I couldn't afford a private Dr and have no wish to have any dealings with a psychiatrist. I'll have to access an out of hours GP when my local surgery re opens next week.

 

I just read your post today on your page. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. Holidays can intensify feelings of loss and loneliness. I hope that these feelings pass soon. Rest well & be kind to yourself.

 

Hugs back to you.

 

Tilly x

Thank you Tilly. Despite of your problems you found good, supporting words for me. I did not realise that my mood relates to holidays, you are right...i feel everybody spends this time with families or friends...

I tried on many occassions to talk to GPs, to negotiate options...i have learnt that it is better for me not to disclose everything...

I don't tell them about my decrease, this way I am in control...this is how I did with effexor, so I had my prescriptions for as long as I needed them...

I had many difficult situations with doctors, not only with prescriptions but also with referrals for essential assessments...i spent lots of money on private investigations...i don't have money at present, and I have been waiting for gastro appointment...maybe not so bad as I am trying to find other ways of treatment...

But manage to get repeat prescriptions for probiotics...

Do you have any prescription? Have you had to decrease again?

 

Hi Ikam,

 

I am very much in the same position as you in having no family and empathise. Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries can hit you very hard. Somehow being aware of this and the fact that you are not the only one experiencing this can be a small comfort. 

 

I have had to decrease from 5mg to 2.5mg last Monday to stretch out what little medication I have left after holding at 5mg for 5 months and stabilising a lot. All of that hard work is now unravelling quickly. I am very tearful, shaky, sweating profusely, and experiencing nausea and wretching feeling like I need to vomit (sorry). My mood is the lowest I can remember it being and I feel that I have no control over my well being in the absence of prescriptions to support my tapering.

 

I completely understand the problems that you have had with GPs, Ikam. I have very little respect for their knowledge base in relation to SSRIs and and how they exercise their duty of care in relation to SSRI users as a consequence of personal experience and professional experience of working with them in the past and advocating for SSRI, antipsychotic and benzodiazepine users. The same goes for psychiatrists. The more I have learned in the last 6 months, the less credibility they have.

 

I hope that you are doing a little better today? Are there any support networks that you can access locally? 

 

Take good care, Ikam.

 

Tilly x

Thank you. I am a bit better now, just came back from my therapy session.

 

Tilly, would you like me to send you pack of 10mg? let me know, please. I feel so much for you, I remember how I felt when I had to cut faster...

 

You break my heart with your kindness, Ikam.

 

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling better and therapy is helping your healing.

 

I am in floods of tears at the generosity of your spirit. I have private messaged you as I think that we could offer each other telephone support and become good friends. I really hope so. We both have so much to offer and so much life to live.

 

Thank you for reaching out to me and understanding my pain. It is very healing to have such understanding.

 

I wish you the best and I am here for you too.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Tilly xxx

[Tilly]

 

 

HI Tilly

 

I'm really sorry this is happening for you.   Try not to despair just yet.  Is there any advocate you could engage on your behalf?   A social worker somewhere, even your local member of parliament.   Name the issue of agoraphobia and not being able to register with your new GP

 

Dalsaan

Hi Dalsaan,

 

Thank you for stopping by. I tried to access a social worker and support services in November, but need a GP to refer me. Writing to my MP is my next step as is contacting a medical solicitor.

 

Agoraphobia is just as debilitating as physical disabilities and is recognised under UK disability discrimination law but fails to be taken as seriously, in my experience, where doctors and medical professionals  are concerned.

 

My GPs are in breach of NICE guidelines on the treatment of agoraphobia. I have highlighted these failings at length in my letter of complaint to my surgery practice manager.

 

Excerpt from my letter below:

 

I explained to Dr ___ my evidence based fears about withdrawal, based on experience of protracted withdrawal due to discontinuing medication too rapidly a few years ago. NICE guidelines recognise this to be a practice consideration for GPs

 

"Discontinuation symptoms include increased mood change, restlessness, difficulty sleeping, unsteadiness, sweating, abdominal symptoms and altered sensations." These guidelines also recognise the risk of discontinuation syndrome is increased where it has presented previously.

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry concurs, stating "Psychiatric drugs can have powerful withdrawal effects, and rapid or cold turkey withdrawal can be very dangerous and lead to more severe and long-lasting symptoms. It is therefore important that anyone deciding to withdraw from psychiatric medication tapers off slowly under the supervision of an experienced doctor who is well-informed about withdrawal and who respects the patient’s desire to come off their medication".

 

I advised Dr ___ that my ongoing use of psychoactive SSRI medication in recent years was due to the difficulty in withdrawing from them as opposed to the fact that they had any health benefits. My last attempt to withdraw and experience of protracted withdrawal / discontnuation syndrome over a period of several months which produced a series of distressing symptoms, which further debilitated me and culminated in episodes of self harm due to despair caused by the distressing symptoms of withdrawal. Dr ___ stated that he believed that I was at no risk.

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder and agoraphobia states that:

 

"At the end of treatment, withdraw the SSRI gradually, as dictated by patient preference, and monitor monthly for relapse for as long as appropriate to the individual."

 

"Abrupt withdrawal is imprudent and may result in additional distress and disability" Dr Peter Breggin (Your Drug Might be your Problem).

 

The Council for Evidence based Psychiatry adds that "Withdrawal from psychiatric drugs can be disabling and can cause a range of severe physical and psychological effects which often last for months and sometimes years; in some cases, withdrawal charities report, it may lead to suicide."

 

 

NICE guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder with agoraphobia suggests referrals for home support services & CPN's (especially where there is a known risk of self harm) which may have assisted my recovery. I have never received these services, which may have also have had preventative effects in de-escalating the extent and severity of agoraphobia that I now suffer with, had they have been implemented early enough.

 

(end of excerpt)

 

 

 

'Local resolution' by complaining to my GP directly is not going to cut it in terms of accessing services and treatment. I feel that I need to pursue this matter legally when I have the strength to do so on the basis of lack of informed consent in the first instance and clinical negligence throughout my treatment which has significantly effected health outcomes for me.

 

In the meantime I am working on accessing a prescription next week.

 

Take good care Dalsaan, I know that you are struggling too right now. You are in my thoughts.

 

Tilly x

Have you contacted PALS?

 

I am in the process of contacting PALS. Thank you for the reminder, Ikam. My local MP, Medwatch and the GMC & my local NHS trust are also due to receive letters from me when my strength is up.

 

I have reported the toxic and damaging effects of my medication to rxisk website:

 

https://www.rxisk.org/Default.aspx

 

I urge everyone on this site to do the same to validate our concerns and further our cause.

 

I have also sent a yellow card warning to the FDA via rxisk. Again, I would urge everyone here on this forum to do so.

 

Take care, Ikam.

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

It made me very angry that your GP dismissed your request of the prescription. I consider it a crime/murder by the definition of endangering someone's life on purpose. I can't believe it! 

 

I hope you can get the med ASAP. This is a life emergency in my opinion as it can reverse all your hard made achievement and distabolize your CNS.

 

I pray for all who are part of the power in the process for their effort and support to turn a quick green light.

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

It made me very angry that your GP dismissed your request of the prescription. I consider it a crime/murder by the definition of endangering someone's life on purpose. I can't believe it! 

 

I hope you can get the med ASAP. This is a life emergency in my opinion as it can reverse all your hard made achievement and distabolize your CNS.

 

I pray for all who are part of the power in the process for their effort and support to turn a quick green light.

Thank you so much, LexAnger. I can't tell you how much it means to be understood.

 

I have not mentioned it thus far, but have uncharacteristic suicidal ideation and urges to self harm. Not as a cry for help, but what is the point of this struggle anymore? I worked so tirelessly to attain stability on 5mg over a period of 5 months. All undone now by the poor decision of my GP. This is not how I think usually. This is a 14 year struggle with SSRI's that has broken me down.

 

I used to travel the world alone. I can no longer leave my home. My partner loves and stands by me in spite of the effects of medication including inability to partake in a healthy sexual relationship. The extent of the damage caused by these drugs are mind blowing and it is so hard to make reparation for the damaged caused.

 

My life and health is so precious to me. I work so hard without the support of primary care / any services to sustain my well being. How many lives have been lost in similar circumstances to mine? I am hanging on with all that I have, but want to state clearly, being of sound mind that should my life end by suicide, I hold directly responsible my GP and all GPs that I have engaged with and pharmaceutical companies who have legitimised my addiction for a 'chemical imbalance' / medical condition that never existed in the first place (I was medicated for anxiety. Depression being a by product of my medication along with numerous other effects). Shame on them.

 

I have suffered abuse in my lifetime. None more intrusive, pervasive and persistent than that of GPs who repeatedly traumatise and re traumatise me through failing to hear or believe my cause or by over medicating me into a state of dysfunctional oblivion.

 

Thank you again for your understanding, LexAnger. It means so much.

 

I wish you every success with your journey. 

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

[Tilly]

I just wanted to thank those who have posted & messaged me. I really appreciate it.

 

I haven't slept the last few nights, so I am going to try to catch up on my sleep today and hopefully reduce some of my symptoms or at least escape them for a while. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally and have a stressful week ahead, so won't be posting for a while, but I hope that everyone has a positive week.

[AliG]

  Hang in there Tilly, " to borrow a phrase, but it's a good one.  One foot in front of the other.  Just a down moment - we've all had them.  It will get better.   My thoughts and prayers are with you.      Hugs, Ali.

[AmyK]

Tilly. I have just read. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hold on. It will surely get better. Even if you dont feel that now.

That's a beautiful and powerful song you posted. It brought tears to my eyes listening to it and thinking about the unfair situation you are in. You will get well again. Just hold on.

Lots of love.

[Tilly]

Tilly. I have just read. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hold on. It will surely get better. Even if you dont feel that now.

That's a beautiful and powerful song you posted. It brought tears to my eyes listening to it and thinking about the unfair situation you are in. You will get well again. Just hold on.

Lots of love.

Hi Amy,

 

Good to hear from you again. Thank you for taking the time to post. I appreciate it very much.

 

I am glad that you enjoyed the song that I posted. I do not listen to it often as it resonates so deeply with me, but it is very beautiful.

 

I hope that you life is being kind to you.

 

Lots of love right back to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Update

 

I continue to be tearful at regular intervals throughout the day. This fluctuates at intervals with an emotional numbness. It is very painful to feel so much emotional turmoil. It is tiring and distressing. More so as my GP inflicted this upon me.

 

This is not me. Not the core of who I am or who I am known to be. My baseline personality is one of the eternal optimist (not faked, this is my true baseline). I was known by friends as 'the smiler'. One of my past managers in an open plan office stated she knew when I was in the office as laughter abounded right up to her enclosed office at the end of the open plan. This was when I was a social worker, working on heavy end cases but encouraging my peers to live life to the fullest in the knowledge that they were doing their very best.

 

This episode of forced withdrawal has provided a learning curve to me. I remember many incidences of tolerance withdrawal that provoked lower level crying and symptoms totally alien to me. I remember periods of mania when I questioned whether I was 'bipolar'. I now know through research that these symptoms were chemically induced.

 

I would sincerely like to thank all those who have posted  on my thread and reached out to support me. Those who have messaged me, in alphabetical order: Dalsaan, Ikam & LexAnger. You have been such a blessing to me.

 

I write this post in the hope that someone experiencing similar doubts / pain reads it and finds answers and strength as a testament to the fact that you are not losing your mind or sense of self. You are being chemically impacted by a drug prescribed to 'help' you. Ask for support, follow good guidance and this will pass. You will get through this.

 

These drugs never help. The healing that we find is when we relinquish their power over us. The healing process is very painful at regular intervals. The life waiting for us at the end of healing will be so much worth our suffering.

 

Sending love & hope to all.

 

Tilly x

[Purplestars22]

Hello Tilly, I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope you get this settled with your GP and are able to do a slow taper. Nonetheless hang in there, take it easy and you will come out the other side stronger than ever.

 

It's one of the toughest experiences to have personality changes and experiences awful symptoms because it was chemically induced. Many times I have questioned my sanity because of how horrible wd symptoms I have had. But I just have to know that this is wd and its only temporary and time will be one of the things that will heal me and all of us.

 

I wish you strength..

[Tilly]

Hello Tilly, I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope you get this settled with your GP and are able to do a slow taper. Nonetheless hang in there, take it easy and you will come out the other side stronger than ever.

 

It's one of the toughest experiences to have personality changes and experiences awful symptoms because it was chemically induced. Many times I have questioned my sanity because of how horrible wd symptoms I have had. But I just have to know that this is wd and its only temporary and time will be one of the things that will heal me and all of us.

 

I wish you strength..

Hello Purplestars,

 

Thank you for taking the time to stop by I really appreciate it.

 

I agree. I try to see symptoms of withdrawal as healing in process. I try to find humour where I can. I think that some symptoms are much more challenging than others and much more difficult to bear, but nonetheless, part of the process.

 

I wish you strength too. Thank you for your kind words.

 

Tilly x 

[Tilly]

Update

 

A very tearful weekend. I am alternating between feeling either very detached from my feelings to feeling completely overwhelmed by them. I spend hours each day crying, but can't pinpoint a reason. It just feels like an automatic response. The crying is physically and emotionally exhausting. It is also disturbing as it is not part of my usual personality or even part of the anxiety that resulted in me taking these drugs in the first place.

 

I have had insomnia most evenings this week and broken sleep when I do sleep, interspersed with disturbing dreams.

 

Lots of neuro emotions too and a sense of self - loathing which I do not usually feel.

 

This is the most distressing week I can remember in a long time.

 

I looked out of the window this morning. There is evidence of spring which I longed for throughout the long and dark winter months when I feel naturally lower. Spring usually increases my mood and sense of well being. Today, I feel very detached, both from myself and the outside world and nature.

 

I am going to try to do something today to distract myself from how I feel and make me feel more grounded. I'm not sure what yet, as my ability to make the smallest decision is compromised at the moment too.

 

I hope that everyone reading has a peaceful Sunday.

 

Tilly x

[LexAnger]

Hi Tilly,

 

So sorry about the challenging time you are going through due to the sudden and huge reduction.

Hope The medication issue resolves soon and resuming dose provides quick relive.

 

have ou thought about the plan about dose increase once you have the needed supply, giving you are on 2.5 for a while?

 

My thoughts prayer are with you!

Lex

[dalsaan]

Hi Tilly

 

When I feel overwhelmed I try to do things that are gentle and caring for myself. Take a long shower of a bath, sit in the sun, cook something, spend time with a pet etc. what are some of the things you might be able to do?

 

Dalsaan

[freespirit]

These drugs never help. The healing that we find is when we relinquish their power over us. The healing process is very painful at regular intervals. The life waiting for us at the end of healing will be so much worth our suffering.

 

Tilly,

 

I've been following  your posts this last little while. I'm so sorry about the problems with your GP and the results of that. I've appreciated your consistent attitude in seeing the symptoms as healing. We all know just how painful and difficult the process can be.

 

As Dalsaan suggested, doing something nurturing that is simple can often help. On days I haven't been able to get out of the house, I try to look out at the trees and sky anyway.

 

Take care, as best you can.

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly,

 

So sorry about the challenging time you are going through due to the sudden and huge reduction.

Hope The medication issue resolves soon and resuming dose provides quick relive.

 

have ou thought about the plan about dose increase once you have the needed supply, giving you are on 2.5 for a while?

 

My thoughts prayer are with you!

Lex

Hi Lex,

 

I have been wondering about how to go about increasing my medication after a period on 2.5mg which has really shook my whole system. I was thinking an increase to 3.5 or 4mg may be wiser and kinder to my system and sanity than going back to 5mg which may be too stimulating now?

 

All feedback regarding this is appreciated as I'm not sure where to go from here as I appreciate that reinstatement can be tricky.

 

Thank you for raising this, Lex and validating my concerns.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

Hi Tilly

 

When I feel overwhelmed I try to do things that are gentle and caring for myself. Take a long shower of a bath, sit in the sun, cook something, spend time with a pet etc. what are some of the things you might be able to do?

 

Dalsaan

Hi Dalsaan,

 

So lovely to hear from you as always.

 

I had a shower this morning after struggling to do so for a few days. My shower brought on intense anxiety and panic. But I am at least a glowing, fresh smelling bundle of anxiety 

 

Maybe the universe gives you what you need to see somehow. An hour after my last post, I decided to do some painting in the cockpit (I live on a boat, which I love as I am so close to nature). My painting was slower and more frustrating than usual. But it provided a welcome distraction from my feelings & symptoms. An hour or so in, a chirping noise outside my boat alerted me to a mallard duck and 12 newborn chicks! I fed them and took photographs and footage and immediately felt connected to nature once again.

 

I snuggle my cats at regular intervals daily and self massage most days to relieve the muscle tension that builds up so quickly during withdrawal.

 

I feel yukky, but had a pleasing and productive day in spite of my symptoms. I even spoke to a friend that I have made on here today for the second time in spite of being phobic of telephone conversations for some time. It was lovely to talk so freely to someone who understands.

 

I have also cuddled my partner who told me several times today that he loves me. This relationship is a huge blessing to me.

 

My day has been productive and filled with love. So even in the depths of despair, their is hope and much to build on.

 

I hope that your day has been kind to you, Dalsaan?

 

Thank you for taking the time to stop by. I really appreciate it.

 

Tilly x

[Tilly]

 

These drugs never help. The healing that we find is when we relinquish their power over us. The healing process is very painful at regular intervals. The life waiting for us at the end of healing will be so much worth our suffering.

 

Tilly,

 

I've been following  your posts this last little while. I'm so sorry about the problems with your GP and the results of that. I've appreciated your consistent attitude in seeing the symptoms as healing. We all know just how painful and difficult the process can be.

 

As Dalsaan suggested, doing something nurturing that is simple can often help. On days I haven't been able to get out of the house, I try to look out at the trees and sky anyway.

 

Take care, as best you can.

 

Hi Freespirit! (Great name!)

 

So lovely to 'meet you'. Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and post. I really appreciate it.

 

I totally agree with your comments. My connection to nature is what grounds me and brings me so much joy. I saw 12 newborn ducklings today less than 10ft away. They were so beautiful and life affirming.

 

I hope that you are doing well?

 

Hugs,

 

Tilly x 

[Tilly]

Apologies for any grammar / spelling errors in recent and future posts. My cognitive skills are lacking right now and writing is difficult. I find this really frustrating.

[LexAnger]

Hi Til

Y,

 

So beautifully written your journal for the day!

Happy for you!

 

My two cents on the reinstatement.

I think your plan is very logical, giving that your system has somewhat adjusted tot he reduction of 2.5 mg, and my own experience of severe reaction to reinstatement although I did that after a much longer at low dose (10 months at 2.7 to 4.5). If 3.5 does not work as hoped, you can gradually increase a bit more until you find the right dose. This approach can not only prevent the harm of too much increase but also can potentially save the achievement you already made tapering these days.

 

Hope you can do more of the fun connection to nature and enjoy the rest of day!

Lex

[Songbird]

If 3.5 does not work as hoped, you can gradually increase a bit more until you find the right dose.

 

I agree, going to 3.5 might be a good idea.  Does this mean you managed to sort out getting more escitalopram reliably?

[ang]

Hello Tilly, I have not read your whole thread, just signing in to ask how you are.  You said that restarting citalopram was unbearable, but you stuck with it... Can you describe the unbearable, and perhaps give a time frame as to when things improved?  I am on day 12 of reinstating zoloft, and it is making me worse, but last three days not suicidal, so hopefully it will work.   It seems a toss up, without the zoloft I ruminate, and just feel awful blaming myself for everything, that has gone, and if the horribleness of starting up zoloft again, has gone, i will be very,k very grateful.

I wish you well, and hope you are having a good day.  I also dream of going to fitness classes again one day, and even the hope I can go food shopping and stuff like that again.

ang

[ang]

And a thought, if I had some escitalopram, I would send you some.  but not one of my medications.  If anyone can post you some, if it is posted in a slim postpak, it goes airmail..........  I do have lots of seroquol.  Damn the idiot doctors.    

I saw a little old lady once, addicted to benzos, the doctor refused to write her another script..........  damn I wish I had been in a position to intervene, the memory never leaves me, of this poor lady.

[Tilly]

Hi Til

Y,

 

So beautifully written your journal for the day!

Happy for you!

 

My two cents on the reinstatement.

I think your plan is very logical, giving that your system has somewhat adjusted tot he reduction of 2.5 mg, and my own experience of severe reaction to reinstatement although I did that after a much longer at low dose (10 months at 2.7 to 4.5). If 3.5 does not work as hoped, you can gradually increase a bit more until you find the right dose. This approach can not only prevent the harm of too much increase but also can potentially save the achievement you already made tapering these days.

 

Hope you can do more of the fun connection to nature and enjoy the rest of day!

Lex

Hi Lex,

 

This is good advice. Thank you. I think that I will try 3.5mg. Harm reduction is very important right now. I could not tolerate reinstatement of citalopram several months after withdrawal. Citalopram is a similar, but less potent drug than Escitalopram / Lexapro. So it would follow that changes in doses either up or down will impact me quite strongly.

 

I need to order syringes and a pill cutter today and figure out how to make my own liquid.

 

Thank you so much for your support, Lex.

 

Tilly x