mockingbird: Did it all wrong...Now what?

[mockingbird]

Hi, everyone. I'm new to this forum and so glad I found it because now I'm starting to understand what's wrong with me and that there are others like me. 

 

But I'm also horrified at the seriousness and uncertainness of all of this. I'm also kind of angry at myself for taking myself off of medication without knowing how to do it properly. 

 

My story is long, but just skip to the end for the question I have.

 

See my signature for drug history. In July 2013, I took myself off of Wellbutrin and Seqroquel. The Wellbutrin i basically stopped cold turkey (I believe I cut my dose in half and took it for 1 week before I just stopped.) I didn't notice any withdrawal effects for the Wellbutrin. The Seroquel was hard to wean myself off of. At first I tried taking it every 2 days but had withdrawal symptoms (nausea, runny nose). So then over the next 6-7 weeks, I tried tapering it by cutting up the pills I had left. I started at 200mg, then took 150mg for 3 days, then 100mg for 2 weeks, 50mg for 2 weeks, 25mg for~2 weeks then stopped. Basically I reduced by 50% every 2 weeks, and I now realize I did it all wrong.

 

About 2 months after my last dose, I awoke suddenly one night with severe nausea and then shaking,  shortness of breath, stuffy nose and insomnia. (It is possible I was launched into panic by noticing initial symptoms and knowing that I had no one home to help me). Over the next days it felt like by chest and nasal passages/sinuses tightened up, making it feel very hard to breathe. I went to 2 doctors--1 gave me antibiotics with a diagnosis of possible mild bronchitis after hearing slight rattling in my lungs, and the other gave me a nasal steroid spray with a diagnosis of allergies after noticing a lot of fluid in my ears. Neither helped.

 

Symptoms gradually improved (except for still feeling like I had bad allergies) from September 2013-December 2013, until they started getting worse mid-December. For a couple weeks I noticed I was getting sharp jolt-like chest pains. Then things got dramatically worse Christmas Eve. Again, it is possible anxiety launched my body into full-blown panic. After 24 hours of feeling like I couldn't breathe and sharp chest pains, I went to the ER. They thought it was basic anxiety and wanted to put me back on some kind of meds, but I refused, by this time with a suspicion my symptoms were related to the meds I was on and never wanting to take them again. Things were really bad (I hardly slept at all for a few weeks and felt like I couldn't breathe for months).

 

I have been slowly recovering since my rebound symptoms in December 2013. I still feel bad, just less bad.

 

My question is: after doing some reading (especially http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=cache:bYx3vNZH3IUJ:http://www.jptcp.com/cjcp_04-032_e69-r101631%2Btardive+insomnia&oe=UTF-8&hl=en&&ct=clnk ), it seems that rebound symptoms do not go away unless the original medication is restarted. After 1 1/2 years of being off the med(s), do I restart them and then taper off them correctly? Or would going back just mess with my system more and jeopardize the progress I have made?

 

My deepest gratitude for anyone who can empathize or point me in the right direction. Peace to all of you.

 

[dalsaan]

Hi Mockingbird,

 

Welcome to SA, sorry to meet you under such circumstances.   Unfortunately reinstatement so far out is really unpredictable, it might help, it might harm.   Here is a thread related to reinstatement - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

If it was me I wouldn't risk reinstatement.  I say this because 1) your nervous system has had a lot of instability and you may be very sensitive to psychotropic meds now that you have gone into withdrawal and 2) you are seeing some improvement.   Recovery isnt linear but I would stay the course and hope that the times you feel better increase and the times you dont feel great decrease.

 

you might also want to poke around our symptoms forum to see other alternatives for addressing symptoms

 

Dalsaan

[Songbird]

That study was interesting, but they were really talking about withdrawal symptoms appearing one month after a cold turkey of paroxetine.  Their theory about the cause being a shortage of serotonin is also a bit suspect, as if this was the case, treatment with tryptophan or 5HTP would help withdrawal, and we have seen that this usually doesn't work well for those in CT w/d from SSRIs, so there must be more going on than just low serotonin levels.  Seroquel is not an SSRI, but we know that anti-psychotic meds can also have their withdrawal syndromes.

 

In any case, at this far out and if you have been slowly recovering, I would not reinstate.  You are likely to get more recovery over time.  Recovery tends to happen in a "waves and windows" pattern (see:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/).  So if you do have another bad patch, it is likely to be temporary.

 

You have been on a lot of different meds - what was your original diagnosis?

[WiggleIt]

Hey Mock,

 

I did it all wrong, too.  So exhausted right now, but will check in on you again.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone in f***ing up your taper from lack of knowing what was happening to you.  The doctors should have protected us.  They didn't.  We didn't mess up.  They did, the FDA did, and the pharmaceutical companies did.

[WiggleIt]

If you are less bad, that is, believe it or not, GREAT news. 

[steeley]

Hello Mockingbird,

 

I'm new to this site but was connected to another which served the same purpose, and which taught me a lot.  Good people, good knowledge.  Not as much knowledge as others here, but enought to know a few things.  I'm 18 months into my taper and things are improving.  Also wanted to introduce myself and say hi.  

 

I'm with Wigglelt as to your question, and 18 months out is a long time.  I wouldn't re-instate, and you are improving. This is a long slow process with many ups and down, windows and waves.  I'd just ride it out, which is all we are left with in the long run if we want off these drugs.

 

Hang in Mockingbird.

 

steeley

[MollyN]

This sounds so blimmin miserable for you Mockingbird. At this stage maybe you concentrate on connecting with all the people here who understand you're not crazy or imagining things and then think in terms of making monthly slow improvements rather than hoping for daily xxxxx

[Babs]

I agree, it's too risky to reinstate this far out.  Better to maintain the healing you've already achieved (and you have, believe it or not) and keep moving forward.

[mockingbird]

Hi Mockingbird,

 

Welcome to SA, sorry to meet you under such circumstances.   Unfortunately reinstatement so far out is really unpredictable, it might help, it might harm.   Here is a thread related to reinstatement - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3079-about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-stop-withdrawal-symptoms/

 

If it was me I wouldn't risk reinstatement.  I say this because 1) your nervous system has had a lot of instability and you may be very sensitive to psychotropic meds now that you have gone into withdrawal and 2) you are seeing some improvement.   Recovery isnt linear but I would stay the course and hope that the times you feel better increase and the times you dont feel great decrease.

 

you might also want to poke around our symptoms forum to see other alternatives for addressing symptoms

 

Dalsaan

Hi Dalsaan,

Thanks so much for responding so quickly and pointing me to that thread--it was very helpful. I saw your response right away and it made me feel better to have someone respond.

[mockingbird]

That study was interesting, but they were really talking about withdrawal symptoms appearing one month after a cold turkey of paroxetine.  Their theory about the cause being a shortage of serotonin is also a bit suspect, as if this was the case, treatment with tryptophan or 5HTP would help withdrawal, and we have seen that this usually doesn't work well for those in CT w/d from SSRIs, so there must be more going on than just low serotonin levels.  Seroquel is not an SSRI, but we know that anti-psychotic meds can also have their withdrawal syndromes.

 

In any case, at this far out and if you have been slowly recovering, I would not reinstate.  You are likely to get more recovery over time.  Recovery tends to happen in a "waves and windows" pattern (see:  http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/82-the-windows-and-waves-pattern-of-recovery/).  So if you do have another bad patch, it is likely to be temporary.

 

You have been on a lot of different meds - what was your original diagnosis?

Hi Songbird,

 

Thanks for your comments on the study. I really just posted it because the study was the closest one I found so far that relates to my experience (appearance of symptoms about 2 months after no drugs, body being in a state of persistent panic).

 

I'm not exactly sure what my original official diagnosis was, since I was put on meds when I was 10, which later made me believe that I actually did have clinical depression and caused me to decide to start taking them again from ages 14-21. When I was 10, my teachers were concerned I might have depression and maybe social anxiety, basically because I was so quiet and didn't seem that interested in school even though I got all A's and B's. I now realize there was nothing wrong with me and that I never should have been put on any meds.

[mockingbird]

Hey Mock,

 

I did it all wrong, too.  So exhausted right now, but will check in on you again.  Just wanted you to know you are not alone in f***ing up your taper from lack of knowing what was happening to you.  The doctors should have protected us.  They didn't.  We didn't mess up.  They did, the FDA did, and the pharmaceutical companies did.

Hi WiggleIt,

 

Glad to hear from someone in the same boat. It's tempting for me to be angry about all of it, but I am trying my best not to be. I realize now, that even though I've suffered a lot with this, this experience has all been for my good. 

 

These forums have made me realize I'm actually doing pretty well with all of this, since when I look around at what everyone else my age is doing (I'm 22 and just finished college), I feel damaged and hopeless.

[mockingbird]

Hello Mockingbird,

 

I'm new to this site but was connected to another which served the same purpose, and which taught me a lot.  Good people, good knowledge.  Not as much knowledge as others here, but enought to know a few things.  I'm 18 months into my taper and things are improving.  Also wanted to introduce myself and say hi.  

 

I'm with Wigglelt as to your question, and 18 months out is a long time.  I wouldn't re-instate, and you are improving. This is a long slow process with many ups and down, windows and waves.  I'd just ride it out, which is all we are left with in the long run if we want off these drugs.

 

Hang in Mockingbird.

 

steeley

Hi steeley,

 

Nice to meet you, and thank you for your response. I'm glad to hear from someone else about as far out from their taper as I am. It seems the consensus from everyone is not to reinstate. I'm happy to be completely off all drugs even though I still don't feel great. You hang in there too!

[mockingbird]

This sounds so blimmin miserable for you Mockingbird. At this stage maybe you concentrate on connecting with all the people here who understand you're not crazy or imagining things and then think in terms of making monthly slow improvements rather than hoping for daily xxxxx

Hi MollyN,

 

At least I am less miserable than I was. It is good to find others who can empathize, though I don't like to consume myself thinking about all of it (I actually had to take a break from reading the forums because it was giving me anxiety--I've become a bit of a hypochondriac after my experience).

[mockingbird]

I agree, it's too risky to reinstate this far out.  Better to maintain the healing you've already achieved (and you have, believe it or not) and keep moving forward.

Hi Babs,

 

Thanks for your opinion. That seems to be the consensus. I do realize now I'm doing better than I thought and that I just need to be patient with myself.