☼ Martina23: Lyrica

[Martina23]

Now I got even akathisia, which I never had... I am about to start crying. This I can not manage. It is for me too much. The worst symptom however still stays, that I am losing my own personality, there are only bad or stupid thoughts inside. I can not endure this any longer.

[InvisibleUnless]

i just read some of your thread and i wanted to say i very much empathize with you and your experience of medication-induced psychosis, paranoia, rage, and other horrible things like akathisia.  i struggle a lot with these, though it helped to finally figure out it was withdrawal (which took like 2 years!).  in my 7 years of serious 'mental disorder' and medication, i had never once tried calling a suicide hotline or other such resource...but the psychosis and paranoia (voices, threats, insanity, etc) from the withdrawal finally pushed me that far.  and they had nothing to say or do about it, and told me i was in the wrong place...crushing.

 

so if you ever want to talk or share symptoms, you can reach me on here.  i know its really hard, especially when a lot of people dont have quite that psychologically claustrophobic a withdrawal symptom set.  im sure there are other members here, but i rarely see psychosis (and somewhat rarely see rage) mentioned in the discussion threads.  its scary to 'not be yourself', and wonder if it will come to an end, and i wish i had some sort of advice to give you on it.

 

its been the hardest thing to cope with of my entire life (which has not been thoroughly pleasant to begin with), so i extend my apologies and will be checking back in to see how things progress for you.

[Martina23]

He llo Invisible Unless, thank you. I was (and still I am) on quite a little dosage of Lyrica for pain not for mental disorder. When I wanted to withdraw, started all of this. I seem to be quite oversensitive to medications, because the symptoms I have are quite crushing, all mental, mostly nothing physical. But it is hard for me to deal with because it is so scary: what I get for thoughts from brain is quite catastroph. And I am still waiting that it comes less, and it is always more. I am not even on zero Lyrica, I am still tapering. I would like to go on zero, but I am afraid that it will go bad and I can not take care of my children anymore (they are 2 years old, they want a lot of care). You said it took two years for you the withdrawal. Did it then disappear? Are you now normal person like before? Were you already on zero medicine or still tapering?

[Pugknows]

Martina, ActiveScientist is tapering Lyrica. Maybe you can read his thread and you two can comfort and support each other. It will get better soon, sweetheart.

[Martina23]

Pug I dont know, to be honest I can not really handle it. This is not me anymore, I do not want to live anymore, I am only living from duty, but I do not expect anything nice from life anymore. I hope you are already better. You had also a rough spot recently. Hugs, Martina

[ten0275]

martina, hey.

 

withdrawal is so cruelly persuasive in enforcing the belief that you cannot handle it, that you are not you, and that there is nothing nice to expect from life. the truth however is that you HAVE been handling it (even though it is horrible), you ARE you (that is the inner you that recognizes how messed up the thoughts are, etc.), and there ARE nice things to expect from life. but this is a process, and hence there is a season to this process that you must see through to get to the nicer times.

 

also, i just wanted to mention that i saw earlier that you noted you can't imagine the brain notices a drop such as the one you made from 50mg to 47.5mg. i agree, it seems impossible. but please take note that i had been stable, very stable, for a very long time and made a dose error that resulted in less than .5mg drop and it has slammed me hardcore. the brain, the nervous system - they can take a beating under normal circumstances, but they have limits. and the drugs press those limits.

 

hang in there.

 

dave

[Martina23]

Jeee, Dave is online. Such a nice surprise. It has been a long time. It is nice that you emerge always when I feel the worst. But in the withdrawal the person very often feels this is the worst. I hope you are already better and that you would be much more online.

[ten0275]

martina, hi.

 

thank you. i am hanging in there, and i really wanted to come on today and see how every one was. i think i am still improving. things were a little bumpy this morning, but i seem to be evening out. nausea is still kind of holding command, but the rest of it is much less.

 

a few days ago, i read that you expressed that when you recover from this, you would like to support others. i think that is so thoughtful and wonderful. and you WILL find yourself in that position. i feel very confident of this. and you will be good at offering your hand of support. you already do when you are able.

 

like you, i had no real idea of suffering until withdrawal. and i guess i took it for granted that i felt good while others didn't. never again. we are taught this the hard way in withdrawal, we are involuntarily made to endure.

 

your withdrawal process is not so much crushing the jewel, as it is honing and polishing the edges of the diamond. you may feel loss in the process, but ultimately you will gain - and survive. you may not be the "same" on the other side of withdrawal, but i can speculate from experience that you will not be disappointed at who you find yourself to be.

 

hang in there. i'll be around

 

dave

[Cdav]

Such nice words Dave for Martina (They helped me too), you're right about how we are involuntarily forced to endure and suffer. We will never take for granted good and simple things in life again. 

 

Martina, I'm sorry about the akathisia, that is one of the worst symptoms I've had to endure and still continue to push through it. It has lessened a lot, and it is coming back in the waves and windows pattern. So, we're healing, you are healing. 

[Pugknows]

Martina, so sorry you're experiencing the akathisia symptom. It's horrible and I was hoping you wouldn't get this way. I know how disheartened you must feel, stuck between a rock and a hard place. Maybe it's not the right time to taper, if tapering makes you feel worse. I just don't know. Praying for you and your babies, sweetheart. Hang in there. Your brain is still healing on such a low dose of Lyrica. ((((Pughugs))))

[InvisibleUnless]

He llo Invisible Unless, thank you. I was (and still I am) on quite a little dosage of Lyrica for pain not for mental disorder. When I wanted to withdraw, started all of this. I seem to be quite oversensitive to medications, because the symptoms I have are quite crushing, all mental, mostly nothing physical. But it is hard for me to deal with because it is so scary: what I get for thoughts from brain is quite catastroph. And I am still waiting that it comes less, and it is always more. I am not even on zero Lyrica, I am still tapering. I would like to go on zero, but I am afraid that it will go bad and I can not take care of my children anymore (they are 2 years old, they want a lot of care). You said it took two years for you the withdrawal. Did it then disappear? Are you now normal person like before? Were you already on zero medicine or still tapering?

 

i feel the most for people on here still trying to be active parents, because thats usually an entire family affair instead of "just" a wife or husband or parent to care for or whatnot.  its hard on everyone, but caring for dependents that are young is already a hard thing in life, and ive experienced how debilitating and life-altering withdrawal can be even aside from other factors.

 

i wasnt sure what lyrica even was, so i looked it up after posting last night---an anti-convulsant.  that makes sense.  i spent a few years on one as well, and it was the last medication i quit, because i stayed on it several months after tapering off all the rest.  its been more than 2 years off of topamax, the anticonvulsant, and almost 3 years off all the rest.  anticonvulsants are neurologically systemic in a bit of a different way from antidepressants, so i can see why our withdrawal would sometimes have disparate elements compared to many peoples.

 

when i was tapering off, i had no idea the level of sensitivity some people had, so it might be that i tapered too quickly off all my medications.  i was reducing doses over periods of months, chopping pills when they were too large a dose for my working down, and was under the care of doctors while doing it all, but clearly the safe approach is not always safe enough.  i didnt have immediate symptoms (that i can remember) from dropping some of the meds, but the side effects were already so bad ON the meds that distinguishing differences between good and bad changes took a year or two for me to even manage.

 

i quit the medications progressively---something like cymbalta (SNRI), then remeron (TeCA), then buspar (anxiolytic), then risperdal (antipsychotic), then topamax (anticonvulsant), over the course of like 1-2 years, changing only one drug and one increment at a time as the physician directed.  he was 100% against me quitting, but...thats doctors.  wouldnt own up to the fact that the meds are what were causing a ton of my serious side effect issues.  until i was off everything (or, almost everything---kept the topamax a while longer, as i mentioned), i was just feeling better and better with each reduction and elimination.  and after i was off the antipsychotic, i felt better than i had in MANY years...since before i even started the meds, i think.

 

but there was immediate withdrawal issues, and they just morphed and deepened over time and now its three years later and things have not abated.  i still have some very bad days...my laundry still often piles up unwashed, i cant really cook for myself most of the time (and am going into debt trying to buy food because im eating more healthily and cant work a meaningful job to get enough income to even survive), i cant exercise like i used to, and can rarely enjoy most of the creative and expressive things i always spent much of my time on.  i have fears of being/going crazy, with all the intrusive thoughts, feelings, voices, and loss of control over my own body.  its extremely painful, psychologically and physically, and sometimes i feel my privacy and dignity are the things that have most been compromised, because of paranoias and delusions and stuff ive been having for years on end.  its socially exhausting even to just be by myself, because of all the psychotic symptoms.

 

since ive had things diagnoseable as 'mental disorders' basically my entire life (though they were dismissed as non-problems until i crashed in college and was put on all the meds that started this journey), a lot of these side effects have been disturbing, but at least within the realm of what i have already coped with in some similar way.  for people who were not 'ill' to begin with that these psychotropic agents have thrown into the clutches of mental unbalance, that must be even more disorienting.  i think you have a lot to be proud of, really, and you havent given up.  thats the most important thing, i feel---having a reason to hold onto.

 

 

withdrawal is so cruelly persuasive in enforcing the belief that you cannot handle it, that you are not you, and that there is nothing nice to expect from life. the truth however is that you HAVE been handling it (even though it is horrible), you ARE you (that is the inner you that recognizes how messed up the thoughts are, etc.), and there ARE nice things to expect from life. but this is a process, and hence there is a season to this process that you must see through to get to the nicer times.

 

some of the best advice ive read in here so far.  but, his avatar always did look weathered and sagacious.

[LoveandLight]

(((Martina)))

[Martina23]

I am tiding up and thinking if I should continue in my tapering or hold. I would really like to taper, but I feel already so near psychosis, that it is quite risky. I feel really insane. I find it so unresponsible from my parents that they let me be alone with zhe children in such a state. Maybe I will still continue tapering. I know it is risky. Most probably I can lose my job but I hate so much Lyrica. Because of it I maybe now have a mental ilness, I would kick it to the curb immediately. I would like that the withdrawal is over. Mine is thriving really. I am so afraid I will stay so. I realize that mostly I have now only one symptom OCD, which actually covers all these racing thoughts, inability to imagine the things, intrusive thoughts and harming thoughts. I hope that it goes away because it is for me now hard to hug my children because there come always these stupid irrational thoughts. I am not so eager to live like this. I have already contemplated to run away, but this is not possible. So I am only continuing to do what I always did, and when something goes wrong, I have to be prepared that I will end on the psychiatry stupidly looking around after a row medicines involuntarily given to me.

[LoveandLight]

Martina you will heal..why do you think you'll stay like this forever? I think that is withdrawal thinking only xx

[Martina23]

I dont know. Because it is always only worse.

[InvisibleUnless]

i think you will recover, and i know how complicating OCD thoughts and feelings can make life, especially life with other living things (most especially living things youre constantly touching!).  i dont have great tapering advice, but i do know its best to err on the side of caution unless the medications are causing immediate and catastrophic damage---youd regret tapering too quickly more than youd regret tapering too slowly in most cases.  i dont think its a bad thing to feel like you need to prolong your current level of medication, safety is definitely an issue, even if its more about your own feelings of safety than any other kind (and who can really know?).

 

i encourage you again to have a single true thought to hold to so that if your thoughts get wonky or your emotions are antithetical to your true beliefs you can still function well enough and safely enough to be trusted.  your own self-confidence is a huge factor here, and i hope you dont let these experiences shake the confidence you had in yourself before all the medical bullshttery.  perhaps that true thought could be that you love your family and youd never do anything to hurt them, since you seem afraid of being unable to care for them or do what might be required/right.  take your past actions into account when you start feeling violent or like youre a bad person for thoughts you have---id imagine youve done a pretty good job so far, and youve persevered through a LOT lately, as well, still putting in the effort to be there for them.

 

you could even write a list of truths for yourself that you can carry around with you in your pocket at all times---i have done that.  something that reminds you of the most important and fundamental facts of your existence so that when you are feeling confused, lost, paranoid, or out of control (rage, suicidal depression, the desire to harm, etc), you can read through that list and it can be calming or inform the parts of your brain that are out of sync that you are actually a good and loving person and there can be unity again (either now, or after withdrawal settles down more).  thoughts are like running a dirt track---the more you have them, the deeper they can get, so having good thoughts immediately available to you might help you create a solid structure to rely on, mentally, even when feelings dont quite pan out.

 

we are with you.

[Martina23]

Before it was better, I could still rely on my rational me. But now, it seems that the brain made really balance on a bad spot, and I have sometimes feeling that the rational me does not respond anymore. I asked my friends if they could give me for a couple of months in some sanatorium until I get my feelings back, if even possible. But they dont want. And I dont want to go to psychiatry. Go away I cant because of the children. But to be with the children with such a bad thinking I am also afraid. Quite honestly I would like to die (I am not commiting the suicide therefore no suicidal line is necessary). I am telling only what I feel.

[LoveandLight]

That's a fantastic idea, invisible unless!

[Martina23]

Again nothing changed. I can not imagine that I will go out of this. Already from desperation, I again presented my friends an idea to stop taking Lyrica completely. I got the answer that first I have to find a babysitter for children and then we can think about this. OCD is totally worse. I have totally racing thoughts and I can not concentrate to think one thing into the end. And a lot of various random pictures which jump me into my thoughts stream while thinking so I can not concentrate to follow my thought or imagination until the end. I feel already completely nuts, 4 months ago I was so happy, I can not believe the doctors did this to me.

[Martina23]

Did anyone have this - this unability to think the thoughts into the end with random pictures or I am the only one?

[Hopefull]

Hi Martina,

Can your parents help you with the kids? Have you found a psychologist? Get professional help, because it is obvious that you are struggling to cope and I don't blame you. Try mindfulness. Google it. Best wishes Hopefull.

[Hopefull]

Hi Martina,

Can your parents help you with the kids? Have you found a psychologist? Get professional help, because it is obvious that you are struggling to cope and I don't blame you. Try mindfulness. Google it. Best wishes Hopefull.

[Martina23]

My parents I can forget. I am now posting an advertisement so that I get a babysitter. I will ask also about psychologist. You are right, actually I am fighting from my last will, every morning when I see that nothing changed I feel suicidal. This is the hardest thing I have ever had in my whole life. I just can not imagine that I am mentally ill, as before withdrawing I have never had any problem. I dont want to go to the psychiatrist, as this is only the way to hell. It is almost  not manageable to withdraw from a drug with little children. You can´t do anything because the consideration for your children is always on the first place and involuntarily you are losing yourself in this whole process. I will print out and read the  Ashton Manual, I hope it helps me cope with this all.

[Lookingforhope55]

Hi Martina. Been reading your threads. You have been suffering a lot. It must be really hard with young children. I was thinking, are you suffering from any postpartum depression? That thought crossed my mind. What I've learned here is that healing is taking place. The brain is working to correct itself. Don't give up hope, and remember your thoughts about hurting yourself isn't the real Martina. Hang in there.

[Martina23]

Hi lookingforhope, in prior I did not have any postpartum depression. I was put on Lyrica because of PGAD induced by caesarian delivery, I think the doctors interrupted there some nerve pathways. Upon withdrawing I got all these mental issues, I think you are right, I am in medicaments induced deppression, and have all the anxiety induced disorders possible. All my friends mean that this will go away and in 2-3 years I will laugh about it. I only dont know how to endure these 2-3 years. In this moment it seems to me that nothing would be better than to die, what a peace, but my friends dont consider it as an option. They mean if I dont want any medicaments, I have to go through it and in some point it starts to go better. I should find a babysitter and then I can go even on zero and suffer it through. I can not even imagine that I will handle this all for 2-3 years.

[InvisibleUnless]

Did anyone have this - this unability to think the thoughts into the end with random pictures or I am the only one?

i still have this, yes.  pictures, voices, noises, bits of life and movies and fears and such can all come and go, and my natural thought processes and expressions can be interrupted or 'hijacked'.  sometimes i cant even type coherent sentences because it feels like my brain is at war with itself.  it can be very upsetting, and counterproductive.

 

i would look into whether or not you have any triggers that can make these things worse than they already are.  i find that my head is more agitated when i am going without sufficient food, sleep, or other biological needs.  if i need to use the bathroom, or if the room is too hot (or too cold), or if my brain is fatigued from doing particular activities (like reading, or listening to music) for too long.  all of these things are stuff that anti-convulsants mess with, and messed with while i was taking them.  i dont know if its just my brain trying to satisfy its needs, or if pathways are screwy, or shorting out...and no doctors have had any answers for me, either.  but you are definitely not alone in experiencing these terrible things.

 

its good that youre taking the steps you can to get your kids taken care of because things are getting, it seems like, worse in some ways.  2-3 years is a long stretch of hell, but i bet the beginning is harder to manage than the middle and end---after a while you might start having more good days, and the shock of being thrown into this situation is itself pretty distressing for the first while.

[Pugknows]

Martina, your journey is your own. I can't last 2-3 years either. Just because one person has been in withdrawal that long doesn't mean that is your story.

[Pugknows]

Please keep in mind people's drug histories -- which drugs, how many, how long they took them, the dosages, the reason for taking the drugs in the first place. Don't get scared. You have your own history and will make your own future.

[Lookingforhope55]

This past Friday, I had blood work done just to make sure I'm ok and not overlooking anything. Have you thought about a complete blood work up? To me, there's uaually an answer to our questions, it's just trying to figure it all out. Hope you feel better soon. For me, I truly believe God is real and loves us. I don't understand why we have to suffer, but I have hope. Every night I pray for everyone on this site, yet I don't know anyone. Don't give up hope

[InvisibleUnless]

Martina, your journey is your own. I can't last 2-3 years either. Just because one person has been in withdrawal that long doesn't mean that is your story.

yes, super important point.  i had deleted a part of my post making mention and im really glad you stressed that.  we can freak ourselves out even more trying to prognosticate.

 

This past Friday, I had blood work done just to make sure I'm ok and not overlooking anything. Have you thought about a complete blood work up? To me, there's uaually an answer to our questions, it's just trying to figure it all out. Hope you feel better soon. For me, I truly believe God is real and loves us. I don't understand why we have to suffer, but I have hope. Every night I pray for everyone on this site, yet I don't know anyone. Don't give up hope

having a general physical with a more holistically-minded doctor (including blood/urine tests) is a good idea if you havent done it yet, for sure.  i have had no luck whatsoever in getting people to recognize that i even have problems at all (let alone their diagnoses or causes) from medical testing, but going through those rigors was one of my first steps in seeking professional advice on the subject and it is really good to start fresh like that for the clarity of treatment and some peace of mind.

 

also, hope55, that is kind of you to pray.

[Martina23]

It is nice from all to write me nice things.

 

I am in the deepest depression ever. I thik this is called black hole depression. I have even problems to move. Today when I brought the children in the nursery, in the morning there were again these harmful thoughts. And I must say I have it enough. Before I loved my children so much. I can not go on like this having harful thoughts to my own children, this is the biggest cruelty from all. My brain does nothing, I have only scary pictures in the head (like many dead people) when I get up, and to day I thought myself I can not continue like this. And I even did not manage to come to zero, so the healing can not take place, my body does nothing, I am still caring of someone other - taking care of the children, running to the work, these harmful thoughts to it - I want to die. I must die. I have to do it somewhat that I die. I would not be around chidlren when I can harm them. I am sorry, I think I am on quite deep point. There comes my no other possibility only to die. But please I wanted just to pour out my heart, I do not want that anyone calles for me suicidal line. Please give me this privacy to decide about my life as I am not doing anyone harm, if then only myself.

[LoveandLight]

So sorry Martina,

 

I feel a lot I cannot go on but we will and reach better times..love to you xxx

[Martina23]

Thank you Joanna. I am sorry for you and for everyone who suffers. The truth is I can not anymore. I can not imagine that It goes better. I have in my head only harm thoughts, there is nothing nice anymore. My friends contacted my family, so my mother says, she will take my children for two weeks but both with my father make so much pressure that I should take the medicaments again. That I am ill, and I have to function for the children. I feel guilty on one side, on the other I think the medicaments made me this, I dont want to take more. It is just I can not anymore. If they force me to take these medicaments, I would not say any word anymore the whole my life. I think I would the most like to jum under some train, then it will be finished!

[Lookingforhope55]

I had to updose my CELEXa to deal with withdrawal. I felt like a failure for doing so. I've been holding for 4 months. It's a hard thing to know what to do regarding taking more meds when you hate this stuff. You are suffering, but maybe it will get better soon.

[Martina23]

I will most probably end again in the hospital. My withdrawal symptoms are so severe, that I can not continue anymore. Yesterday in the evening before sleeping there came such pictures people killing each other, almost not manageble urge to suicide, and the bad thoughts in the presence of my children went only worse. Today I almost did not get to work, as this is not possible working when such a wreck. I am sure this is for me last station.

[Martina23]

If it goes very bad, should I take this seroquell which they gave me last time in the hospital? I went back to 50 mg Lyrica, maybe it was not right, but I thought because of children I have to try to function in some way. I feel like a loser, crying, my brain does not do anything, I can not believe this situation where I found myself in, the brain destroyed, I find my brain to hate my children even if I love them most of all, I would the most like to jump of some bridge, I am only afraid of psychiatry that this is end of me.