WatchingTV426--withdrawing from Zoloft, miserably

[WatchingTV426]

Hi Addax and Ever. Yes, I tried the mask, but unfortunately to no avail. Last night was the worst night yet, only two hours of sleep. I've been awake since 2:30 a.m., sick with dread and worry constantly, wanting to climb out of my skin, and so exhausted I don't know how it is that I'm not asleep but it just won't come no matter how much I lay or get up and do things then try to lay down again. 

 

I currently feel the worst I've felt yet--EVER--even before ever being medicated, which I didn't know was possible b/c those were such horrible times. Last night and today are pretty much the same, as high on the misery scale as I can imagine it getting without something awful happening like me being hospitalized and drugged with all sorts of things. I don't have any SI, but I do think, "How can I live like this? This can't go on and on and on, I won't make it." A week ago I thought I was at a 9 on the misery scale, but I could at least write some sentences in my dissertation here and there and play with my kid and get distracted for a bit from these feelings inside. Today, every word I say is forced out of my mouth and I've basically been laying in a darkened room doing nothing but feeling like this. 

 

I had a window on Tuesday for most of the whole day, a pretty bad day on Wednesday, then a window Wednesday night, but things started downhill on Thursday and have just gotten worse. Meeting with my psychiatrist Thursday afternoon was high stress and set things in bad motion--things have been really going downhill from there, which is why I thought I must reinstate immediately, and I took the first dose that night (25mg, but then on people's advice went down to 12.5mg the next morning, as I take the pills in the morning). I took my third pill this a.m. 

 

Addax, you're so right with the ruminating thoughts--it feels like they will never end. I am desperate for this reinstatement to help b/c if it doesn't, I think I will have to be drugged with something else. I can barely care for myself at this point, let alone my child. 

 

I've felt more and more terrible ever since the appt. on Thursday--no new symptoms that I can tell, just increasingly worse dread and a feeling of panic and sickness inside. I have no idea whether the badness of yesterday and today is from adding the Zoloft or whether it's just the continued misery of the w/d and the lack of sleep building and building and building. 

 

I suppose there's no way to know at this point? I don't know how I WILL know. 

[WatchingTV426]

I just want to say I am so glad I found this forum and thank everyone who has taken the time to comment here. I have a really understanding husband and mother who are wonderful, and I am so thankful for them. But it's so helpful, especially, in the middle of the night when people are asleep and I'm alone, to be able to turn here for answers and support and to find others who are experiencing similar things to to think, "Maybe my life won't always be like this." 

 

Addax, I really think we have felt (well, I currently feel) a lot of things in common. Thank you so much for sharing on my thread. 

[bubble]

I'm very happy for you that you have such supporting family. 

 

This is the toughest period and I really feel for you. With these drugs there is that delayed response so the way we feel today is not only or maybe not even primarily the result of what we took today or yesterday but accumulation of everything that our brain has been exposed to over a certain period of time. You were off for over 6 weeks so it might take some time to start feeling better but you will. 

 

I had two different experiences after CTing this drugs long before I came here. My first CT was Zoloft. As you say I felt worse than ever, worse than in the worst moments which led me to taking the drugs in the first place. My pdoc put me on my current poison, full "therapeutic" dose. It took me several months to stabilise. If she was a more negligent doctor she might have thrown a handful of drugs on me but I don't think I would've started feeling better any sooner. I suspect I might have felt even worse. 

 

This period while waiting for the reinstatement to start working is the worst you will experience. From now on things will only get better although very slowly at first. But they will get better so don't despair. (It's only natural that you will but I'm still saying, more in the sense of reassurance). 

 

You are doing the right thing. Lying in the darkened room is ok. It won't last forever. It's as if you had a flu. You wouldn't have such guilty conscience over it. Allow yourself at least a few days off when you won't feel bad about your dissertation or your kid.

 

You will make it. Things will only go better after this.  And keep us posted. 

[WatchingTV426]

I really appreciate your comments, Bubble. I'm going to have to keep reading and rereading this, praying for hope b/c I am in a place of great despair. I really really hope you're right, b/c it feels like I am headed for the mental hospital if some relief doesn't come and quick. 

 

I seem to have a new symptom--I just picked up my kid and hugged him and felt nothing. It was like postpartum all over again. What is this? It was horrible. I was talking to him and trying to spend a few min. with him before his nap, but it was because I "should" want to, not b/c I really wanted to. This wonderful little person that I normally love so much (and who makes me crazy half the time, true), stirred no emotion in me whatsoever--I felt numb. The only other time I've felt this way was in the days after I gave birth, and then I had to increase my Zoloft from 150mg to 200mg to make it go away. (Of course I also feel super sick and anxious as well, it's a completely bizarre combination.) 

 

I felt very sad/crying last weekend, but it was the exact opposite--all I wanted to do was hug and hold him, be around him, spend every min. with him. This is completely bizarre and scares me. 

 

When they say to be on the lookout for "immediate negative reactions" after reinstatement, what do you think they mean? How fast is "immediate"--like within hours of the first dose? Does this seem like it would be a response to the reinstatement 1 day and a half/three pills in, or more likely a result of continued w/d? 

[WatchingTV426]

And thank you for sharing your experience here, Bubble. It helps to know the specifics of what others have gone through. It gives me some small glimmer of hope in these desperate days. 

[Ever]

Hang in there WatchingTV.  Bubble is right - this is the worst bit.   No-one can say what 'immediate' is for you.   For me it was very quick, but for others it can be weeks.   But it will get better.   A few months ago, I just wanted to be dead.   Severe SI.   Could not see how I was going to survive at all simply wishing to end it all.  Yet here I am, feeling the total opposite - excited about my future.

 

This is the bit where the only thing you can do is hunker down, lie in your dark room if possible, and just survive it.   Just keep hanging on.    

[nz11]

You are experiencing classic wdl, this lack of feeling is called anhedonia and the feeling of wanting to 'jump out of your skin' and inner restlessness a psych panic it is called akathisia it is not found in the natural state but only with these kind of drugs. Its good to be around others and in a safe place when you experience this. Akathisia has good and bad days....and thats why you think oh today is not so bad then bam tomorrow is 3 steps backwards . that is the nature of this animal.

Nausea vomitting and diarrhea are also common at this time.

 

I agree with bubble you  ...this is a most dreadful time but the intensity will recede...

You resolve to not take other stuff is a good one.

Are you able to get your husband to read some of the threads on this site. It may help him to understand the situation.

 

Totally agree with Ever ...the game plan is survival ...one day at a time.

Wishing you strength. You are not alone.

[WatchingTV426]

I am very worried about this feeling I have like the only end to this is to be dead. I have felt like this several times before, and I don't think it's ever been so intense. The other times it made me cry to feel this way, but now I guess I just feel what nz said, anhedonia. I mean, it scares the living crud out of me to feel it, but nothing is making me cry right now. Ever, reading that you feel better gives me some hope, but it's a theoretical hope, you know? 

 

I don't know if I can hold out in my resolve not to take something for sleep. Pdoc has given me myriad options (of course), but the only thing we brought to my parents' house is mirtazapine--actually my husband brought it; I deliberately left everything else at home so I wouldn't be tempted. I don't think I have ever felt so tired in this way in my entire life. My insides feel so fragile, so delicate, I am moving physically at a snail's pace. 

 

I've read some of Dalsaan's nightmare with mirtazapine and that makes me want to stay far far away from it, but then I think of the one time I took it this fall and how it knocked me out in a very dopey dopey way for like a day and a half and I wonder, "Can it be so bad to take it ONCE?" Maybe that could get me over this horrible hump.... 

 

What's worse--the severe sleep deprivation of getting 2-3 hours a night like this over and over again with no break while your body is on constant high alert or taking something one night? I think I know the answer, that somehow taking the drug is worse, though right now it doesn't feel like it. 

 

And I think of Shipko's piece--which made me MISERABLE--and how he said some people *need* benzos to get through w/d...maybe some people need something for sleep every now and again.

 

I am trying not to think about death or about being put into a mental institution. It's so hard though. I am trying to tell myself that this may start to improve after I hit the 4-day mark of reinstatement, just make it to the 4-day mark, you can make it there. Trying to take it a day at a time, nz, but the days are like 21-22 hours of misery right now. 

 

And yes, my husband's read some on here and is going to read more, when he's not juggling me and the kid. I can't believe it's only 2:50 in the afternoon here; I've already been awake for 12 hours, I feel like this day will never end, I just keep feeling worse and worse. 

 

Thanks everyone for your support. It really gives me a good feeling when I get on here and someone has posted positive words and shared their experience. It helps more than you know (or, you probably do know b/c you've been through or are going through it). 

[bubble]

So sorry things are so hard for you at the moment.

 

I also get terribly scared if I don't sleep but I'm even more scared of these drugs. I saw here that people can manage on much less sleep than we are used to. Manage in the sense that nothing bad happens.

 

I wouldn't read dr. shipko now. He's been changing his mind about many things over the time.

 

It's normal to think the worst. I can't copy the link to neuro emotions but you can look them up in Symptoms and self care. It helped me tremendously to find out that it's my brain playing with me.

 

You are surviving from one moment to the other as Ever and nz said and this is great.

 

As nz said we are here familiar with anhedonia and akathisia. They too pass.

 

We are here for you.

I hope things ease soon. I expect a relief for you soon.

[WatchingTV426]

Bubble, you are a gem. Thank you. I have read some about neuro-emotions and will continue reading. Thanks again for checking back in on me. 

[WatchingTV426]

Well, I obviously still feel horrendous, but for about the past 15 min., I haven't felt like I am going to die immediately. So that's some kind of improvement. Is this a small window? I'm not sure I completely understand the definition of that yet, but I guess any relenting of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life probably count. 

 

Trying to stay in this moment and not get ahead of myself with the dread of thinking of the week when my husband goes back to work. One day at a time. And I may start feeling better by then. 

 

Is it normal that at this most miserable time pretty much the only thing I can manage to do and take an interest in--other than lay in a dark room feeling so sick--is be on this forum reading people's stories and commenting on them? 

[dalsaan]

WTV,

 

Sounds like a small window to me which is positive. You now know windows are possible. Hold onto that thought.

 

I would avoid the pills if you can. Mirtazapine will make you sleep because it is a very potent antihistamine. But, it ruins your sleep architecture and it's difficult to know how your system would react to another AD. It's a risk and may set back your long term recovery. One thing to note about mirtazapine, it's sleep inducing effects are more prominent at lower doses so if you decide to take it try 7.5 mg or so (half a 15mg pill if that's the strength you've got).

 

I would try other things first like magnesium and sleep hypnosis

 

Take care

 

Dalsaan

[moodyblues78]

Hi TV

 

Your symptoms sound very familiar. I`m a victim of zoloft too. I reinstated to 12,5mg dec 2013 and tapered for a year after it.

 

Losing the love of the people close to is crushing. Not being able to connect with your own child. I remember it too well. Feeling like dying, not being able to breath. Just rocking back and forth and crying... That is zoloft. The good news is that it is going to go away. In time. It did for me. 

 

Sounds like you have a supporting family. That is very good thing to hear. Not many things are as important as this.

 

It `s very normal that you are not able to do much else at the moment than sit and write here but when you feel like it do other things too. I remember the time when just getting up and walking was way too stressful for my nerves. It was hell.

 

You`ll need a lot of time, patience and acceptance. The mods here have a lot of experience in giving you good tapering advice. It still does not mean that by magic you`ll suddenly feel better. We all have a different path to walk on and who ever has got the legs needs to do the walking but we can cheer along and lift you up when you fall.

 

Welcome.

 

Br,

Moody

[WatchingTV426]

Thanks for the welcome, Moody. How long after stopping the Zoloft in fall 2013 did you reinstate, and when did you notice an improvement in your symptoms after ri-ing? How much of an improvement did you have? 

 

I went for two walks today and both times I was walking so unbelievably slow it was unreal, and afterwards I was just exhausted. But I needed to get out of the house and try to get away from my head a little (didn't go much good) and get some fresh air. Plus it was in the 40s today, which is rare this time of year. 

 

I see you recently stopped your taper and are now off the drugs--congratulations. I hope that it's going well. How are you doing? I'll go over to your thread soon, once I get some energy, and see what's going on. 

[WatchingTV426]

An update: the past 28 or so hours have been I think the most difficult and darkest of my life, and I hope that it doesn't get any worse than this in the coming days or EVER. In this time, about 4 hours ago, I had a brief, 45 min. "window," where I still felt horridly awful, but not so awful that I thought I was going to die or needed to rip my stomach out. Although the anhedonia remained, the cortisol stopped churning on the super highest setting for a little while. 

 

Then the great miserable difficulty returned, and it seemed even more difficult to bear b/c I had felt a slight bit better just beforehand. But I know the window is a blessing. 

 

The end of that window and return of the abject misery was maybe 3 hours ago, and since then the intensity of misery has ebbed the slighted bit, then returned full force, ebbed, then returned. Now I seem to be having another window, for about the past 20 min. I am hopeful for it to continue a little longer, but not crazy hopeful, b/c I can't start building myself up only to crash when the wave comes. 

 

From Wednesday night until that window this early evening, things were pretty much just worsening and worsening (with some small moments on Thursday morning when I could breathe), so I'm thankful to have these glimpses of less-horrible. Trying not to over-analyze things and get ahead of myself with worry about sleep tonight and when I'm going to start feeling horrid again, but it's so hard. 

 

The little one is in bed, and I sent my husband off, too, (it's only 8:30 p.m., but he's been doing so much and worrying so much, he's exhausted), b/c he'll get up with me at some point when I'm inevitably up in the middle of the night so I don't have to be alone in the dark for HOURS. So for now, I sit on my parents' couch with my mom while she reads a book, and I look at posts on this site. TV is too stimulating right now; the only thing I could stand would probably be an animal show on Natural Geographic (no Netflix here), and they can be awfully doom and gloom when you really pay attention to them, lol--tried watching one earlier, don't recommend it if you're feeling as bad as I am! 

[WatchingTV426]

Dalsaan, I do take magnesium, 200mg twice a day in with my inositol powder. I haven't tried sleep hypnosis, but I will search your thread b/c I saw some stuff on it when I was reading over there earlier today or yesterday. Feeling a little better (this window has stretched to two hours, with several intense moments of anxiety in there), so I'm holding out against the mirtazapine. 

 

Thanks for the feedback! 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Watching,

 

I would really hold off on that mirt. Your body has never before been in this particular state, taking a new drug into it could really backfire. Concentrate on 'resting' if you cannot sleep. It really will be all right.

[Ever]

Hold on WTV.  Just one minute at a time if that's all you can do.   Following you

[WatchingTV426]

I'm scared. The anxiety came racing back as soon as I laid down at 11:45 p.m. Put off going to bed for as long as possible, but finally felt tired and did it. Then just anxiety anxiety. A half hour later I took Dalsaan's suggestion and tried a sleep hypnosis app that I had ready on the Ipad. While it allowed me to calm down some, after more than an hour and a half, I was wound back up, and here I am 25 min. later--I had to get out of bed, felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. 

 

It's been 24 hours since I've slept. This has never happened before in my life. And that was only 2 hours of sleep I got when I did sleep last night. I'm really just terrified of this not sleeping on top of everything else. 

 

I feel like I don't know how to get through this. 

 

Anyone point me in the direction of people who have gone long, long periods of time without sleep (more than 30 hours) and come out okay? Bubble mentions this, but is there a place where people talk about this or specific people's stories? I'm not sure I can even read coherently now. 

[Ever]

Don't know whether it's any use to you WTV, but when I was bad, I watched series after series of TV programs on a site called TVFull.com.   I still use it.  I can get almost any TV program from around the world and watch the entire series from beginning to the end.   At my worst I think I watched the whole Battlestar Galactica series.   I pay them $50 every now and then and that gives me 750 points.   Each TV episode I watch is 3 points, so not expensive.    I don't know how I would have managed without it lol - I could lose myself in the stories for a while

[Petunia]

Watching,

You seem to be getting some significant, regular windows now, this is a very good sign that you are starting to stabilize.

 

I know that not being able to get much sleep can be brutal.  I went through a period in my acute stage where I couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two through the night.  It was before I found this site or had any idea what was going on, so I just had to manage.  Somehow I figured out to do what is recommended here, and that's to focus on resting and staying calm through the night and not worry about not sleeping.

 

What helped me the most was laying in bed in a dimly lit room, listening to audio books and comforting spiritual talks on youtube.  Later I found Jody Whiteley's Sleep Hypnosis youtube channel, here is the link:

 

https://www.youtube.com/user/jodywhiteley

 

If you can listen to something calm and peaceful, its a distraction from the frightening thoughts and then the body starts to calm down too and sleep comes easier.

 

A while back I remember replying to some posts of another member who was having the sleep problems, I did some research about how little sleep humans can exist on and I was surprised by what I learned.  The official record is held by Randy Gardner who went without any sleep for over 11 days, and he was ok.

 

If you are able to stay calm, rest and get an hour of sleep here and there, you will be ok and eventually it will come back naturally.  I eventually started sleeping more and now I fall asleep easily and get on average about 6 good hours a night.

 

Magnesium can be very calming, especially if taken at night, I know you are already taking some, but perhaps you could increase the amount and take more of it at night.  If its starts causing diarrhea, then you are taking too much. Make sure you are taking the citrate form or glycinate because they are well absorbed.

[Petunia]

Focus on staying calm and resting, rather than trying to sleep.  If the hypnosis app that you tried helped, then just keep listening to it over and over.  It doesn't matter if you don't fall asleep, it it makes you feel calmer, that's good.

[Ever]

WTV, a few months ago, I went through a very stressful situation at work.   For 5 and a half weeks I went without sleep every second night.  As in absolutely not a wink of sleep.   So from 6am one morning, till 10pm the next night, I did not sleep at all.   Is that 40 hours?   At the same time, I had to drive 4 hours to work and back every day, in mid winter, part of it over a mountain - winding road - in the dark both ways, in snow and rain and wind.   I, like you, absolutely panicked that I would die.   I didn't lol.   In fact, after a few weeks of it, I got quite used to it and thought it was amazing - how long one could go without sleep and not die.    You won't die WTV....

[WatchingTV426]

Thank you, Ever and Petu. These responses helped bring me slightly back from the dark dark place where I was just writhing on the bed next to my husband, feeling that deep sickness, convinced I am going to die and that I need to go to the hospital and that I have ruined our lives by going off this drug, wanting to tear my insides out. I feel so sick it's hard to explain but I'm sure you understand. 

 

Petu, it was the Whiteley channel I was listening to tonight. I am going to try to return to it in a while, maybe a few hours. I am just entirely too sick and amped up now. 

 

And Ever, what you say about your perseverance is amazing. Esp. in the midst of w/d. I give you A LOT of credit. I am barely able to eat the past few days, let alone all that. 

 

It doesn't *feel* like I am starting to stabilize? Just on Tuesday I had a whole good day, and Wednesday was bad, but Wednesday night was good--like 11 hours straight. Then things took a sudden, marked turn for the worse on Thursday, and Friday into yesterday and right now with the same feelings currently, these were the worst days of my life. Is this really stabilizing b/c I'm getting some relief from it? It seems like I'm getting worse, but just getting little bits of relief, whereas before I was less bad with more and longer stretches of relief. 

[WatchingTV426]

Ever, the TV stuff is a good idea, and hopefully I will be able to start watching some stuff when I feel a bit better which I'm really hoping is coming soon, b/c this will be a good distraction, but right now pretty much anything is too stimulating. It's just too much for me to watch pretty much anything that isn't a nature show--anything with a real "story" is going to throw my nerves b/c I'm so sensitive to sound (as soon as we leave my parents' house and the kid is back to being in large part my responsibility, even just morning/evenings and weekends, my nerves are going to be even more shot, I'm dreading it). 

[Ever]

It's SUCH early days for you WTV!   Only a few days....   Wish I could push a time button for you and fast-forward you a few weeks..... Wish....

[Ever]

So what's happenin now missus?   What time is it there?   It's 10.30pm here.

[WatchingTV426]

Hi Ever, thanks for checking in. It's 6 a.m. now. After I posted around 3, I laid on the couch with the sleep hypnosis in my ears till about 4:45, the Whiteley one; some moments of panickyness, some moments where I could keep it back. I may have even drifted off for 5 min. or so b/c I found myself not know what she was talking about at two points. Then I was pretty wide awake so I decided to move the show upstairs. This part of the app was a bit more difficult for me, when it moved into anxiety (instead of depression) which is way more what I'm feeling, which is strange, and I felt like it was just raising my anxiety. I just had to get out of bed. Some of the imagery she was bringing up was just making me anxious. 

 

So here I am. But for a while it was helping to keep the worst of it at bay. I know it's early days. I'm just so very distressed about everything. So many people's stories are that their withdrawal is absolutely debilitating--even after reinstating. It's just basically been life-destroying for them. It's so hard not to go there, over and over again, in my mind. 

[WatchingTV426]

It was this image of a dark pool in a forest, Ever, that made me think of my post-partum depression (even though she was talking about anxiety), and I started to get panicky about how yesterday when I was hugging and playing with my son I wasn't feeling my usual love and warmth for him but, instead, feeling nothing. So my mind goes to, "I had to go up on my meds after pregnancy to start feeling right for him--what if that's what's happening here, what if the only thing that has made me love him so much all this time is b/c I've been medicated? And now the medication isn't going to take and I'm going to be a bad mother?" It's a completely heart-breaking thought b/c he is so central to my world, obviously. 

 

I'm just so tired. It was fatigue that made me decide to come off these meds, and fatigue that made me come off faster than I had intended, even though I had no idea from a site like this that a slower taper was a good idea. I just had an inkling from my own past failed experiences that I might do better. Obviously I was right. Now I'm in panic and freak-out town, wondering if I am going to feel the love I have so deeply felt for my child again and if I am going to get back the functioning to be able to take care of him and keep my family running. I know it's early days, but I am so frightened by what I see people saying, and I'm awake so many hours to be frightened in. 

 

Ever, you seem so strong. 

[WatchingTV426]

Pacing the floor, the feeling in my gut is unbearable. Terrified of my OCD (intrusive thoughts) coming back--the thing that put me on the AD in the first place and back on both of the other times. That will be an absolute breaking point, b/c while I've come to understand it (that I'm not a bad person or the only one with it) since then, I have no emotional reserves to fight it right now. 

 

I wish I had never gone off this drug. If I thought that going back on a full dose would get me back to where I was 6 weeks ago, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's only b/c of everything I've read on this site that I know that would probably not happen, so that's why I proceed as I do. Oh my gosh, please let this suffering cease, and this inner strife in my gut lessen up. 

[Tilly]

Hi WTV,

 

You are very welcome here 

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time (((huge hugs)))

 

Try not to get consumed by the 'what if's' easier said than done, I know. When we are in highly anxious states we fixate on negative outcomes. This is anxiety / neuro emotions playing cruel tricks on us. Try to let these emotions wash over you as much as possible.

 

You are not going to go crazy. Your writing is very lucid and you have good insight. Your poor mind and body is exhausted from the withdrawal & sleep deprivation. It is so distressing, but you will get through this. I have had severe sleep deprivation but I am still here to tell the story

 

You have the tools to get through this and the support that you need right here from people who have been through what you are experiencing right now.

 

Try to reassure yourself that what you are going through will pass. The feelings and body sensations that you are experiencing are part of the healing process. Your body and mind is capable of great healing. You are strong & resilient, even though you believe that you are not right now. 

 

Huge hugs,

 

Tilly x

[WatchingTV426]

Thank you, Tilly. I'm trying, but it's so hard. I'm always a worst-case scenario kind of person, even when I'm not in w/d. I keep saying to my husband, "I'm sorry I ruined our lives," and he's like, "You haven't ruined anything, this is a rough patch, you're going to feel better soon." And I can't help feeling like he's saying/feeling that b/c he HAS to or he'll go nuts. Same thing with my mom. They both think the reinstatement is going to make me feel much better soon, and I'm convinced I'm going to be committed and drugged. 

 

Thanks for posting here. How are you today?

 

Trying to make it through a nasty wave full of sickness and self-doubt right now, get to 8 a.m. to take my dose of Zoloft, then people will probably be getting up here after that, and I'll see if I can handle some interaction on basically 10 min. of sleep and feeling awful. Otherwise it'll be back to a dark room with my brain and maybe the sleep hyp. apps or maybe I'll find some relaxing music. Anybody have any suggestions for that? 

[dalsaan]

Tilly is right, what you are going through will pass. I would take some time to find a sleep app or hypnosis that works for you. I listened to quite a few before I found the one with the right pace, tone of voice and imagery. If it frustrates you or invokes negative emotions don't use it move onto another one.

 

When you go to bed focus on relaxing as much as possible, don't 'try' to sleep, you'll invest too much energy into Thorpe trying bad that's counterproductive. I wouldn't try the mirtazapine either. Your nervous system is too stressed to risk throwing something new at it.

 

Just breathe, deeply. And look for other ways to soothe yourself.

 

We are with you in this.

 

Dalsaan

[Tilly]

I know how hard you are trying. It is really tough.

 

You family sounds like they love you very much. You sound like a wonderful person 

 

I am doing good thanks   I didn't sleep last night either. My sleep is a bit topsy turvy, but that is ok as long as I get rest and sleep when my body is ready to.

 

A dark room is a good idea. Lie down and and rest your body & mind. Here is a guided relaxation that might help you to sleep.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUmrKqsb-ng

 

Tilly x

[WatchingTV426]

Thanks for this suggestion, Tilly, I'll check this out. Getting my mind to rest is so so difficult, just as difficult as getting my body to go to sleep. Zoloft has just destroyed my sleep architecture right from the beginning. 

 

Dalsaan, can you suggest which one(s) ended up working for you? You're right--I need to think more about resting, than sleeping. Even going up to the bedroom has become an anxiety-provoking experience these past few days. Of course, everything has become an anxiety-provoking experience these past few days. 

 

I keep wanting the mirtazapine so desperately--as though I'm addicted to it despite only ever taking it once months ago and hating it--in the worst worst moments when I just want to sleep and want to blunt out these awful feelings, and then I manage to hold out just barely. Don't know how long that can go on for, how many more long, awful waves I can do that through. Trying so hard to be strong. 

 

My greatest fear at the moment is that the reinstatement doesn't work and I get put on some other, new thing to get me back to functioning--if r/i doesn't significantly improve things in a modest time period, something like that would have to happen, not only b/c of the desperation I feel, but b/c the nature of my family's circumstances is such that I would not be able to stop functioning in our lives in the way I recently have for a large period of time. 

 

Knowing what I now know about these drugs, what they've done to and are doing to me, and what they've done to so many other people, getting stuck on something new to fix this problem caused by the Zoloft is like a ludicrous type of nightmare. Trying not to go there, trying not to go there. Stop it, brain. 

 

Will try to stay calm. Thanks for the help, guys. Please keep it coming when you can. 

 

The little guy is crying, may be nothing, may be that he's waking up. I will see if I can handle being the one to get him. Yesterday I did about 3 seconds of parenting.  

[Tilly]

Take each moment as it comes, WTV. Do not look beyond that.

 

Your journey is not going to mirror anyone elses. All journeys are unique. Comparing doesn't help or bring answers. It just feeds the catastrophizing, which feeds the anxiety and becomes a vicious circle.

 

Your body needs rest & sleep to get you through your withdrawal. It needs rest & sleep to heal. Listen to what your body needs and be guided by what it tells you. Feed it & rest it well. Be kind to yourself.

 

Give yourself the best chance to heal with the least distress by creating the conditions for that to happen.

 

Night, night x