WatchingTV426--withdrawing from Zoloft, miserably

[WatchingTV426]

Most severe period yet, about 35 min. of severe terror, anxiety, pacing, rocking back and forth, wanting to rip out my stomach, wanting to die, and then feeling like I was about to actually throw up which I hadn't felt before (I didn't throw up; had the other stuff though, sorry for TMI). This doesn't feel like stabilizing? It was even worse than yesterday, which was new heights of horrid--my husband agreed it seemed worse b/c of feeling like I was going to vomit. 

 

I feel like a failure, but I am almost certainly going to take mirtazapine and see if I can get some relief through sleep. No sleep in 29 hours at this point, except maybe 5 min. I'm barely eating, so thin, so wrecked. I never thought I'd say this, but if only I could get 2 or 3 hours of sleep, maybe I could hold out. I wish I didn't feel like I had to take it, but I'm just not able to push through this, knowing that even if I do, what waits me is at best 3 to 4 hours of Zoloft sleep. I so desperately need to rest my mind and body. 

 

I don't know how others have been so strong to hold out in this nightmare. I wish I were as strong as you guys are. Thanks for all your kind thoughts. 

[luv2knit]

Just wanted to stop in and say hello, Watching. Hope things turn around for you soon, and you get that window.

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Page 9 of my story I talk about the eye swelling and a lot of metaphysical crap. It was the first symptom of protracted wd, plus rising anxiety. Sleeping poorly but still being able to fall asleep w/o inner vibrations. Then this:

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/page-10?p=67193#entry67193

 

Then had to sleep sitting up and mostly awake until first night I could not lie down w/o akasthisia :

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/page-12#entry68529

 

It was somewhere in the spring (I may not have noted it) when I started getting short 'blocks of sleep'. I often had to over and over repeat stuff in my mind and sometimes sleep sitting up or reclining. I did not write much in my thread, I was busy recovering and hanging on. You will never know the half of it because I kept it to myself.

 

The body can survive on 'rest' and small but frequent blocks of sleep. I made it a point to lie quietly in bed and 'rest' in a darkened room from 10p to 6:30a without fail. It took many months for my sleep to come back.

 

I am in the 'broken' phase of sleep now. Awakening during night, sometimes every 2 hrs or so but able to fall back asleep and for the most part I feel rested. I have begin to take mag glycinate + taurine at bedtime and it is really helping. I recently added the taurine but I took mag consistently all those months, just got lazy recently. It is better to spread the doses during day and leave one for bedtime.

 

Everything ebbs and flows, windows and waves. Don't get attached to either one, they all change.

[Ever]

WTV - me - strong?   I wish lol.  

 

No - I'm a drama queen and pretty pathetic.   And I used to love to wallow in self-pity and still will for a while if something happens.   Nowadays I don't beat myself up for doing that - sometimes you yourself are the best person to give yourself sympathy right?   And if I was sick like you?  - I would lie in a dark room and allow myself to be sick and would be kind to myself.   I'm also extremely lazy so doing that is a great excuse lol.

 

But I'm feeling ok at the moment and the best use I feel I can be right now sometimes, is to attempt to distract you a little.  

[WatchingTV426]

Thanks, guys. I really don't know how everyone is pulling through things like this. The minutes are hell. Even the minutes that are less hell are still hell. 

 

I broke down and took the mirt. this morning around 8:45. Dalsaan recommended 7.5mg b/c it's more sedating in lower doses but I was afraid to go so low b/c in Oct. I took 22.5 and it put me out for almost 30 hours, so I did 15mg, which is 1 tablet. Should've listened to Dalsaan--only got 3.5 hours and then woke up, very groggy but too anxious to sleep. That was 2.5 hours ago, still grogged out and still anxious now. 

 

My husband is getting melatonin right now, I'm going to start with .5mg as per Alto's rec on another page. They're 1mg lozenges, so I guess I'll just have to break them in half as best I can. 

 

My current mag (200mg, twice a day) is mixed with inositol which could be messing with my system b/c its so dysregulated, so I'm dropping that out and he picked up a new mag supplement at GNC, but the best they had was a mix of three types, one of which was the citrate. Not sure what the other two are b/c he's not back yet. Should I take this or wait and order something on Amazon? Thoughts on this would be much appreciated. Maybe just started with the melatonin for a few days and see what that does, instead of throwing a new magnesium supplement at it? Or keep up with my old inositol/mag routine while starting the melatonin. 

 

So tired, drugged out by this mirt., and weary from all this, it's hard to know what to do at this point. I hope others are having better days than me. 

[WatchingTV426]

But Ever, when you *were* so sick a few months ago, with all the SI, wanting to be dead, you *did* make it. You kept getting up and going to work and getting through. I can't even bring myself to open my e-mail to tell the few people at school the things I need to tell them, like I can't schedule meetings with you right now b/c I"m having a major health problem. I'm in complete shut down mode and I seem to be getting worse, withdrawing into myself even more. Not sure whether I should exert myself more, for fear that not doing so is making me more fearful of having to do so in the future, or if I really do just need to lay and rest and be quiet. 

[Ever]

WTV - I went to work because I 'had' to.   I don't have anyone else and have a very expensive (always something wrong with him) wee horse to keep.  I was so bad that I didn't want him, didn't want to see him, but really - the responsibility of him is probably the big thing that got me through - I HAD to get out and get a little exercise to feed and pick up horse poo etc.  So that when I started feeling better with the wd, I was physically and mentally in a better condition to KEEP improving.   And I love the bugga to bits really.

 

You've got me worried now - I hope I don't come across as uncaring or insensitive.......

 

And also, I've never been 'polydrugged', so I've never had to deal with some of the horrors of those complications that you have I think.   And I've been lucky in that re-instatement has so far, always worked very quickly for me.  

[bubble]

Regarding the supplements, just change/add one at a time so that you can see their effects. In general we avoid mixed supplements because than you don't know what caused what.

 

Regarding the activity or lack thereof, it's always a delicate balance. Our brain needs rest and less stimulation but gentle activity is also helpful. So for myself I would switch to what I call survival model: do just the basics and spare myself of as much as possible. But also gently push myself into a minimum of activity. Bear in mind that things will improve over time. If you can now manage the emails that will be great. I would also shift the goalposts so to speak: if even that became too much for me, I would find a way to spare myself from even that. I found out that there is no such thing as an absolute must. If it comes to that your husband can send those emails. Knowing that you don't have to do things if you really can't brings a huge relief (and increases the chances that you will actually be able to tackle them - if that makes sense).

 

I studied and worked while awfully depressed and anxious so I developed a whole arsenal of coping strategies. The most important thing is that this is temporary. Although it lasts.

 

Hang in there.

[Ever]

Can't use Quote, but what she said ^^^^^^^^

 

MUCH more articulate than I Bubble

[WatchingTV426]

Ever, you seem anything *but* insensitive! Hearing from you is wonderful, and it makes me so hopeful that I can get to the other side of this. Things have gotten so bad, worse than I imagined they could, and hearing that you felt this way and persevered makes me feel like maybe I will, too. But only sometimes do I feel like maybe. Much of the time I feel desperate and certain that this is going to end in doom. No, you are NOT uncaring. The opposite. Please, keep the comments coming. 

 

Thank you, Bubble. So if I am going to add melatonin to the regimen tonight, would you then suggest I *keep* taking the other things I've been taking for the past 6 weeks (inositol/mag, multi, B vitamin, fish oil), even though they might be giving me a negative reaction (I have no idea what they are/aren't doing)? It's difficult, in my current exhausted extremely miserable state, to parse all the different thoughts of people on the different threads regarding the effects of supplements and when to use/drop them. 

[Ever]

I think here they will recommend you stick with magnesium & fish oil and drop anything else.   I would agree.   Lots of magnesium and the best fish oil you can afford.

 

I DID, and still do occasionally, use a melatonin spray from Mercola.com.   Doesn't solve the problem, but if I get it timed just right, it can 'just' help to get me started on being sleepy.   Often.  I've gotten quite skilled with it, plus it tastes YUMMY lol.

[WatchingTV426]

I guess I still don't understand the concept of mental "illness" at this point. Things were obviously very bad for me when I went on Zoloft in 2006. I was super against being medicated (I thought it would change my personality), but finally gave in b/c it was the only thing that I thought would stop the horrible OCD and attendant anxiety and stop me from going mad. I've always been high anxiety--high expectations for myself, competitive--and very emotional (esp. pre-period), and with the people in my family who have panic, anxiety, depressive problems--it's like I just feel like there's something "off" with me, something that makes it so that without drugs, there is going to be something wrong with me. There was something wrong with me all those years ago that I couldn't figure out how to fix, and now I am even more messed up by the drugs. 

 

The recent anhedonia regarding my son is terrifying, something completely bizarre to me. Like I said above, it's like when I had PPD, which I only got out of by upping my dose of Zoloft (it didn't go on for long before I upped the dose, a few days). What happens when PPD goes untreated by drugs? Does it eventually resolve? What if the only reason mine resolved and I came to love my child in a normal way is b/c I was drugged and now this feeling, with the drugs being gone, is *actually* how I feel? What if all this time I haven't really loved him like I thought I did, and it was just the drugs making me normal? This is what's going through my mind, which is completely antithetical to my personality b/c I am such a loving and emotionally involved person. It's terrifying. 

 

It makes sense to me that this experience is withdrawal, though I don't know for sure I will make it through in one piece, without losing my mind. But what I don't know is if I can be normal and mentally healthy without the drugs. I am willing to do psychotherapy or whatever kind of therapy will get me healthy (CBT and mindfulness at this point are feeling like they've been useless, maybe b/c I am SUCH a wreck), but at the current moment, I am in too dark a hole to imagine any of that. 

[Ever]

You love your son WTV.   Really.   It's just the withdrawal.   It's all just playing tricks on you.   And I know that when you're in the middle of it, this is really really impossible to believe.  But it's true.   All this rubbish is just withdrawal.   REALLY!!!!!!

[WatchingTV426]

Ever, what type of mag do you use and how often/much (if you use it)? 

[WatchingTV426]

Thank you, Ever (I keep saying that, haha). I pray that's right, b/c he is the best thing ever. Every bit of reinforcement I get, from you, from my husband, from my mom, is so essential. It means SO MUCH. 

 

I just want to be through this and feel decent again. 

[WatchingTV426]

I think I might just be nuts, but cymbalta, I swear you had posted something here with links to your previous posts--a long post--that's now gone? Am I imagining that? Or maybe I read it on someone else's thread? I was reading it but hadn't finished, and now it seems to have disappeared.... 

[Ever]

I've run out of my mag at the moment, and can't remember what it was.  There's a thread here that I believe has some really good info on magnesium supplements WTV.   Green vegetable juice (not fruit) is also a fabulous really way of getting magnesium - tastes like #### but if I hold my nose, count the swallows and stick a piece of chewing gum in there and start chewing before I unhook my nose I can get it down.  AAARRGH!   And lots and lots of Epsom Salt baths - you get sulphur in there too.   Magnesium is GOOD lol.

[WatchingTV426]

Gonna take an epsom salt bath tonight, actually, after everyone else gets their baths/showers (you know, when there's no hot water left, lol). I did this the other night and it made me super sleepy (Thursday night), but at that point I still wasn't having difficulty falling asleep, only the ever-present difficulty with staying and getting back to sleep. This not being able to fall asleep thing is brand spanking new and HORRIBLE.  

 

Just split a 1 mg melatonin lozenge in half as best I could, dissolved it under my tongue, at like 6 p.m., so that was pretty close to sundown (even though I've been cooped up inside all day so I'm barely registering the daylight changes). Probably will be getting in the tub around 8, going to aim for the 10 p.m. bedtime outlined by Alto on the melatonin page, whether or not I'm "feeling" tired then. 

 

I'm also going to try to stay off the computer and keep bright lights out of my face after 8 p.m. I've never been able to adhere to this, as TV/computer is what I do at night, how we unwind and entertain ourselves. Right now though, TV is too stimulating, so I've just been using the computer to be on this forum as a distraction and support system, but I'm going to try my hardest to stay away from the comp during the wee hours. Unless of course things get too bad and I need to get on here. 

 

Hubby returns to work tomorrow since it's Monday, but he went home to get supplies (we live about 45-50 min. away) and we're extending the stay at my parents' for a bit. This helps a lot. It's good to be around the people I love right now and so important not to be alone. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I think I might just be nuts, but cymbalta, I swear you had posted something here with links to your previous posts--a long post--that's now gone? Am I imagining that? Or maybe I read it on someone else's thread? I was reading it but hadn't finished, and now it seems to have disappeared.... 

 

I hid the post because I could not see how it could help you at this time. My story has to do with a struggle over time, months of time, before sleep finally came on its own.

[WatchingTV426]

Ahh, gotcha. I *thought* maybe you'd deleted it. Just wasn't sure if I was entirely inventing some post, haha. Thanks for clarifying. 

[Ever]

Hey WTV - I'm on the 'putor at night also - don't know how I'd survive without it.   Sooo.... what I did when I was having the 'sleep' thing, was I bought a cheap ($7 or something like that) pair of amber goggles from Amazon and wore them from about 9pm onwards.   They cut out the 'blue' light or something - google it.  Looked hilarious, but could watch TV and be on the computer fine with them lol. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Excellent idea Ever, many of us have used them as well as f.lux, a program that adjusts out the blue light from your monitor. I turned the brightness way down on my TV too to decrease the light from it. It is now over a year later and I am slowly weaning myself away from daytime use of f.lux and have added back in more blue for the nighttime setting. It was surprising how much of a difference it made. Computer screens are way too activating on our eyeballs (and probably our pineal glands way down deep in our skulls.) I also wore sunglasses rain or shine while outside.

[WatchingTV426]

Just Googled this, Ever, great idea. Found a pair that looks like they will fit over my glasses (and apparently gets the rec. of Chris Kresser, to boot). Gonna order some of these. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

I got my SolarShield fit overs at the local publix grocery store. They aren't the ugly huge old lady cataract glasses either, they are very stylish. Like these only they have a gold design at the corners of the temples.

[Ever]

CW - you wore dark glasses outside?   Really?   I tried really hard to get as much bright natural daylight into my eyes as pos in the daytime.   I thought it helped enormously to re-set everything.  It was just after dark that I cut out all 'unnatural' lights from room lights and TV & computers.   And slept with really full dark curtains, cutting out any street lighting and the moon etc.   Those goggles were hilarious.  My neighbours had hysterics seeing me sometimes.   Good job they're lovely people lol.

[Ever]

I could never manage to download f.lux on my ipad.   WTV - it's supposed to be good!

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Yes, though I have slacked off some the better I have felt. I got the glasses wearing thing from Jemima.

 

You only need 1/2 hour a day of unfiltered light hitting the eyeball (indirectly, not looking directly at sky) to stave off SAD. And the formula for adequate vit D is 10 min 4 times a week in the sun betw 10a -2p. Light therapy for SAD is also effective on backs of knees. (I have this stuff memorized). The sun has to hit your skin.

 

Ever, I use a program called 'Twilight' on my android tablet. Anything you want for the ipad has to come thru the itunes store, you cannot get it directly from a website. Did you try that? I got twilight from google play store.

 

It is the 'blue blocking' glasses to wear, not dark shades. There is something about light being too stimulating to us in wd. Esp the artificial light we use. Jemima wore her bb's in the house! All the time (scan her thread for it.)

 

You never get all the good tips if you don't read as many stories as you can (but use the light blocking methods while you do!), I have read so much stuff and I am still finding nuggets.

[Ever]

CW -  how interesting!

 

I only have Amex too, and iTunes doesn't accept it.   Not a problem now as my ipad blew up and I have a cheap wee laptop.

 

I don't have a problem any longer with sleep, unless I start sleeping in - then it all gets screwed again.   I am so NOT a morning person, but nowadays, I try to wake up EVERY day at 7am, and just get on the net in bed if it's the weekend - anything to stay awake and not bugga the cycle up.   It has taken some time and effort to get it sorted, but I sleep good now.   And those 5 and a half weeks of horrible sleep deprivation have totally stopped me panicking about not getting enough sleep.   I was amazed that I didn't die or have a heart attack.   So one or two nights without sleep will never worry me again - and THAT helps also with the anxiety around going to sleep.   So even if I don't think I'm going to get to sleep - it doesn't worry me at all now.   It was a good lesson to learn.  

 

You still there WTV?   We've hijacked your thread m'dear!    Good distraction though yes?    lol  

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

Well, Ever, I will give you a dispensation as a mod if it is ok w/ wtv on the hijack.

 

I hope, Ever, you will chime in on some of the threads where people are panicked about sleep. I was severely sleep deprived for more than half a year and I believe I survived quite nicely. It is simply something that must be done because what is the alternative?

 

That this is happening in a thread where someone is really suffering has got to be a bonus for her. That was the single most important lesson for me to learn: to let go of the anxiety around sleep and keep my self distracted on my tablet or comp the rest of the time.

[Ever]

WTV - sorry to hijack your thread - I was going to pm CW, but thought that putting it here would be a wee distraction for you lol.

 

CW ooooo - I sure would be so happy to do that.   I'm at home at the moment because a tyre blew out on my car yesterday and I smacked into a kerb at 80kph.   I'm fine (except for a bit last night when the adrenalin wore off lol), but the car isn't, and I don't have one now until the insurance is sorted.   FRUSTRATING - and I can't go see my pony lol.   My point in saying that is that I am usually out most days and then with my pony for several hours every day and so for time-wise - I try to only go to threads where I think I might be able to make a contribution.

 

If you ever see one somewhere where you think I might be able to help, pleeease let me know   Only too happy - it was so valuable learning that lesson and I really really don't worry about sleep at all now.   Occasionally, something happens in my life and I'll get no sleep at all again for a night.  I STILL try to make myself sit up at 7am and get coffee and get on the net, cos I know in the end I'll feel better for it.

[WatchingTV426]

Hey gals, no worry about the hijacking--it's a nice, helpful distraction, and it's necessary for me to hear these things about sleep, especially since on the Zoloft my main problem was the sleep for YEARS--that's the reason I went off. On and off the drug, it's a huge struggle. I just can't win with the sleep. 

 

I actually had to drag myself on here b/c I had questions to post and things to look up, but I'm feeling severely depressed this morning, thinking about the bad bad stuff, and worrying b/c I'm thinking about the bad stuff (wondering, "Do I need to be hospitalized for these thoughts? What's going to make them go away? Will anything, or will I do the bad stuff?"). As with the other time I took the mirt., it's still in my system and making me feel drugged more than 24 hours later. I did actually get some sleep last night--fitful sleep, but I slept. No doubt it's b/c of the drug. Then I woke up and soon enough got anxious, then felt depressed and like I wanted to die. I've been in this latter mode for about 4 hours, feeling drugged from the mirt., wanting to sleep, but afraid to go upstairs to be alone with my dark thoughts. 

 

Ever, I'm so sorry to hear about the car. I hope this doesn't jack up your anxiety too much. 

 

I took my fifth dose this morning, and tonight will be four days since I started the r/i (started in the evening). Praying for relief, significant relief, to come soon. 

[mammaP]

Hi WTV, It's important to remember tat the thoughts are just that, thoughts. They are not you or representative of

who you are, they are a symptom of withdrawal. They are extremely distressing but if you can think of them as a

symptom and not who you are they are easier to sweep away, or let them wash over and through the other side.

My mum used to say that what she said to us went through one ear and out the other, and that's how I deal with

the thoughts. Sometimes I even give them a help through with an imaginary broom and sweep them away! 

 

Sounds mad but works for me, then try and distract myself with something more positive, although that can be 

almost impossible at times.  This will get better and the thoughts will lessen. I hope your day gets better and you get

some sleep tonight.

[WatchingTV426]

Feeling really unwell right now, and I'm going to search the threads but not sure how clearly I'm going to be able to parse things, so I'm going to post two questions here and see if anyone can post any helpful ideas or direct me to a thread that answers it. 

 

Will therapy help with w/d anxiety and depression and, if so, what kind? I think I've mentioned that during tapering I've been seeing a therapist who used CBT and we had gotten into some mindfulness, but honestly right now I don't even feel well enough to leave my parents' house except to go for a walk, and none of the stuff we talked about is at all helpful. That was helpful in my "normal" life, but in my now completely overwhelming and sick-making "withdrawal" life, those strategies aren't doing a thing. 

 

The second question is this big vague question that I feel like I have read partial answers to all over in people's threads and in the symptoms section, and so excuse me for rambling, but I just need to ask this and see what kind of feedback I can get. So these drugs do stuff to our brain, and now I am feeling things I didn't feel before--like anhedonia and a complete listless apathy and at times, like now, like I don't really want to continue on and want to be dead, which is very frightening to me (when my OCD got really bad before, I would sometimes think, "If I were dead I wouldn't have to feel this way," which itself was very scary, but now I'm a step further than that). Is this just w/d or is it that my brain has been changed by these drugs such that this is "who" I am now? And if it's the former, if it's w/d, it seems like a dangerous game to play b/c it could go on and on and get very dangerous, the wanting to die stuff that is. If the r/i doesn't work, this seems very dangerous indeed. 

 

So I guess part of the question, which I'm completely not articulating at all, is what's going on, what is it that makes ME like this, makes ME have all these problems? CW, I'm currently reading on the "recurrent depression" thread that your worst depression ever was during w/d and that you said that most depression is limited to 6 months--SIX MONTHS? It seems like if someone is thinking about suicide for 6 months, they might not make it. What was your depression like during w/d, CW, if you can talk about it now without it being too unbearable. 

 

Sorry these questions are such a jumble; any thoughts or insights are appreciated. Esp. what type of help I should seek. And I know, Ever, it's still early days . That's what's keeping me most hopeful of all (not that I'm very hopeful right now, but you know). Well, that and the hubby. 

[WatchingTV426]

Thanks for checking in, mammaP. That's a biggie for me--wondering, "Is *this* who I am?" This is not the person I want to be. I've got to believe this isn't who I am or how I will be for an extended period of time, or it's just too much to bear. But in the darkest moments, it's hard to think past it. I'll try to sweep the thoughts away if I can. 

[cymbaltawithdrawal5600]

 

What was your depression like during w/d, CW, if you can talk about it now without it being too unbearable.

 

keep reading my thread sweetie, especially how I felt over this last summer and early fall.

 

Too much thinking: it is all wd talking, period. You can't help it, just change the channel and brush the thoughts away with distraction. A lot of people have found that CBT and stuff is not very possible because if the intrusiveness of neuro emotions and thoughts.

 

I was lucky AND smart: I believed what they told me here and held on until the thoughts went away and they did as I continued to recover.

 

Yours will too but you are torturing yourself unnecessarily. Distract yourself, stop trying to figure it out.

 

Spider solitaire, word games, mindless crap on buzzfeed and cracked. My path to salvation. (Plus kitten and puppy pics till I wanted to puke.)

[nz11]

1. Will therapy help with w/d anxiety and depression and, if so, what kind?

2. I'/ve been seeing a therapist who used CBT and we had gotten into some mindfulness

3. Wondering, "Is *this* who I am?" This is not the person I want to be

 

1.  For me i didnt find any help in this area although i guess its all how things are defined isnt it....although if any non-drug thing can leverage any benefit then i'm for it.

 

2. If you get help with xyz or anything else then thats great nothing like that helped me ...wdl is like trying to negotiate with a school of sharks. imo this is not a cognitive issue ...there is nothing wrong with us cognitively we are physically impaired and that is completely different from a normal brain with cognitive issues.

Having said that i did find talking to another who provided unconditional positive regard helpful ...i guess that could be called talk therapy by some. This seemed to provide the brain with a distraction. So in my opinion it wasnt the therapy per se that helped it was the distraction of it, if you know what i mean. By forcing the brain  to engage in conversation. Distraction seemed to help ..try to force the brain to talk or do anything (listen read solve write speak do) which takes it away from endless ruminating by itself ...this is what i found helpful. I would sometimes chant back at these thoughts and say its not me its the drug . ...i guess that could be called chant therapy right ?

 

3. No this is not the new you ...the brain has been seriously impaired and needs time to heal and you are healing believe it or not ...unfortunately it is going to take time.  In the meantime the brain is going to throw lies at you ...just dont take any of it seriously ...easier said than done. It will get better with time . We are talking many months here.

 

This is a controversial topic i have simply shared my take on this others see it differently and i accept that. 

Not sure how this site views these things but i guess i am about to find out. This is simply imo.