Freedom15: reinstated amitriptyline after CT by doctor

[Freedom15]

A month of holding to go untill my next reduction.

 

Trying to manage my good and bad days. 

 

 

[Freedom15]

Feeling really low today the effects of withdrawal are bad today. 

 

I am just so tired in my self and how its effecting everything around me.

 

I am constantly feeling On edge and ill and struggling recently. Just feeling like i will never be same person again.

 

 

[Freedom15]

This week has been hard.

 

waves ending in suicidal ideation. 

 

Has calmed down a little just feeling low in 

my motivation to do anything.

 

Trying to have a week away at the seaside just finding myself struggling with the heavy sedative effects still at this vary low dose. 
 

For me it just shows how powerful these drugs are and how the doses they are prescribed in are excessively high. 
 

 

[Hanna72]

@Freedom15

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Yes these drugs are powerful. But we as humans are stronger. I have to congratulate you on how far you have come. You only have a tiny bit of the drug left and keep in mind that it’s a huge accomplishment. You should be proud of yourself. 
The recovery off these drugs are slow, and that’s what gets us frustrated, and we crave more improvements. I believe that our bodies are incredible machines, and it’s doing everything it can to help us heal. Be gentle to your body and mind, and you will get there with patience and time.

My best wishes to you🙏
 

[ChessieCat]

Getting off the drugs is only one part of the process.  We also need to learn and use non drug skills. 

 

We are thrown "curve balls" throughout our lives (ie we all experience stressful life events) and it is helpful to have a tool kit to help get through these times without taking drugs.  Many people are not taught life coping skills and self soothing techniques.  I'm 63 and have only properly learned these in the last few years.  I wish I had learned them when I was young.  Combining life skills and self soothing with supportive counselling I probably would not have needed to go on an antidepressant for the major life stressors which I experienced from 19 years old until about 40.

[Freedom15]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the reply’s makes me feel like i am not alone in all this.

 

My stories is quite different in that i was proscribed an antidepressant for migraine prevention. I was never given it for the reasons people would normally take them. I was in a well paid job as a technical heating engineer dealing mostly with life on life’s terms. It’s only been through this experience and the effects of the drugs and withdrawal that I have become vary ill and almost like my personality has been reversed to all the negative sides of me. I know i am in a better place than when i was in 2014 altho my overall ability to deal with life on life’s terms has diminished and hopefully once i am fully off the meds some this stuff will subside with time and my cns system repairs its self.   

[Freedom15]

My marriage is taking a massive battering with when i am in waves..

 

I end up saying not vary nice things to my wie about wanting to leave or that i cant stand

being in the house with all the kids and there unmanagability.

 

Its really pushing us all to the limits. I try to explain that its not me and its to do with the meds

i really am struggling to try and keep myself out of this behaviour when its when i am at my worst

around being unstable.

 

 

 

 

[Freedom15]

Was up last night crying at 2am in the morning. I am feeling so tired and just want to be medication free and not having to live in this suspended mess.

 

I have 2 weeks to go untill my next planeed reduction.

 

This will be the last water i will add to the reduction. After that i will start reducing the tablet and then the syringe.

 

So in some ways its a mile stone.

 

 

[Hanna72]

Hi @Freedom15

You have come along way, keep that in mind when you find yourself struggling in waves. 

5 hours ago, Freedom15 said:

just want to be medication free

I completely understand, I was the same way. You are almost there, easy dose it. 

 

5 hours ago, Freedom15 said:

So in some ways its a mile stone.

Every step we make is in my eyes a mile stone. And I would like to congratulate you on your already huge success. Never take how far you have come for granted.

This journey will push us in every shape and form. And it is up to us to learn and use new coping skills that will be a solid foundation in the future.

 

Be thankful for all the small victories, as you work toward large milestones. As it’s not the endgame that matters most,

but how you got where you are.

 

All the best to you 🙏

 

Edited September 20, 2020 by Hanna72

[Freedom15]

Hi Hanna72

 

Thanks for the positive words..

 

I think i got to dig deeper right now to get through this.

 

It's been a long time and my spirit gets tirred at times and i am going to make it.

 

Couple weeks till next reduction.

 

I will make up 3 months worth meds this time as i may need to hold longer than 2 months i have been holding.

 

 

 

 

[composter]

On 9/10/2020 at 12:18 AM, Freedom15 said:

My stories is quite different in that i was proscribed an antidepressant for migraine prevention. I was never given it for the reasons people would normally take them.

same here friend! I was prescribed Amitriptyline for headaches and the withdrawal caused an inhuman panic and depression out of nowhere. 
 

You have been very patient with your tapering process. I’m sorry you go through waves as you reduce. 
 

I’m a few years “behind” you as I’ve now tapered from 10 mg to 4.8 mg and have a ways to go with the smaller doses. How are you able to prepare such tiny increments of doses?

[Freedom15]

38 minutes ago, composter said:

same here friend! I was prescribed Amitriptyline for headaches and the withdrawal caused an inhuman panic and depression out of nowhere. 
 

You have been very patient with your tapering process. I’m sorry you go through waves as you reduce. 
 

I’m a few years “behind” you as I’ve now tapered from 10 mg to 4.8 mg and have a ways to go with the smaller doses. How are you able to prepare such tiny increments of doses?

Hi composter..

 

I use water titration.. 

 

So i am currently using 1ml syringes a 2ltr pop bottle and various amounts of water. It’s a lot easier than weighing in the long run and i make up 2 months worth of syringes at time.

 

The next batch i will make will be for 90 syringes which will be about 3 momths.

 

At first i could not get my head around the water amounts to tablets then one day it clicked and have not looked back. I had to do it to get this low anyway theres no way of getting this low by weighing. 
 

When i first came to the forum there was not a lot on amitriptyline and now there seems to be more and more finding there way here. 
 

If need any help or support feel free to contact me here or via messages 

[composter]

Wow that actually makes a lot of sense to use liter bottles and 1 mL syringes at your dose. 
 

I am doing water titration as well but the solutions I have been making are 1 mgai/1mL and I haven’t diluted any further yet but I probably will once I get below 3 mg. 
 

Thanks for the ideas. 

[Freedom15]

So i got

 

100ml, 10ml and 100 X 1ml syringes.

2 litre pop bottle and mixing bowl that takes at least 2ltrs water.

 

I started off weighing the tablets which was a pain then i went to water titration which made it so much easier

and It was easy down to 1ml as i did a 1:1 ratio till then.

 

After that it got into the chemistry feeling of dilluting down to almost nothingness..

 

Are you making your syringes all up in one go or drawing the dose each day from the solution ?

 

I am looking that you are taking supplements when didi you start them and do they help.

 

I am so up and down daily i am reluctant to add anything else into the mix right now tho.

 

 

[Freedom15]

I have spoken to my doctor today and the issues i have been having and will possible hold further for next month or 2 to see if the symptoms carm down as i do not really feel stable enough to reduce yet.

 

I was going to reduce and then hold longer but i think i may need to hold for now to see if i get any more stable.

 

 

[Freedom15]

Another day of upset between myself and my wife.

 

It seems that theres been alot of damage done by my ill health and symptoms

to our relationship that are now starting to surface.

 

I just feel rubbish about it because i really struggle to live inside my body let alone

how she must be seeing it or feeling whne i an aggitated at her and being picky all time.

 

I just feel so powerless at times about how this is causing bamage to my day to day life.

 

 

[ChessieCat]

5 hours ago, Freedom15 said:

 

It seems that theres been alot of damage done by my ill health and symptoms

to our relationship that are now starting to surface.

 

 

It's normal for things/people to change as time goes by.  It's not unusual for relationships to be strained due to the changes, eg financial issues, health/physical ability, career/work/job loss/retirement.  There are counsellors who are trained to help couples traverse these changes.

[Freedom15]

Decided to hold for a further month at min..

 

Making up new meds today.

 

[Freedom15]

Remade my meds up for another 1-2 months further hold.

 

10mg in 1560ml water

 with 0.02ml taken out

 

0.02ml added to 2000ml water

 

Final dose take from last solution is 0.08ml

 

which if maths are right will give 0.0000000048mg

 

I made the meds up and took a single dose and i was all over the place so i can only presume i got the water amount wrong.

 

Anyway i remade it again to the above titration and things have been easier today so i think this fresh batch is about right.

 

Will hold for a month and see if need to hold for another month after that.

 

If i am ok i will reduce again after that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Freedom15]

Few days on the new batch of meds.

 

Holding is giving me some stability altho i am still up and down a bit.

 

I have been working on getting out the house daily.

 

Walking, doing some photography and trying to connect face to face with people more.

 

 

[Freedom15]

Holding for a month or two.

 

I had a positive letter from the DWP saying they have extended my pip claim till june 2022 so this makes me feel less like i need to rush reducing

and i feel i can carry on slowly allowing myself to heal between reductions.

 

 

 

 

[Freedom15]

Sill holding but i am just so angry and snappy all time and causing arguements all time.

 

Its really hard because i dont want ot be like this and it's causing massive issues at home.

 

It just fels like the reduction is getting harder and harder and the anger symptoms and snappy is becoming bromal daily behaviour now

which is the total oppersite to my normal being carm and chilled.

 

I just want off the medication and to be normal. I just feel so lost all time like in another persons body.

[ChessieCat]

Have considered having counselling to learn general life coping skills?  You might also find learning and using relaxation techniques helpful.  Do you get regular gentle exercise?  Are you eating a healthy diet?

[Freedom15]

Hi Chessiecat..

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

There has been many reported cases of people gaining extreme anger snappy personallity changes because of amitriptaline.

 

Before being on this medication my personallity was always calm and chilled.

 

It's only been since being on and coming off that i have gained this extreme outursts of anger and argueing that are not my

normal personality. It has also been commented on from peopl who know me pre meds that my personality has changed on the

meds.

 

Do you think councilling would help when it is being cause by the meds ??

 

I am walking at least 10,000 steps a day and i eat a vegan diet so feel i am doing my best to stay healthy.

 

 

[ChessieCat]

I'm not saying that it would definitely help and make things "all better" but I think that learning the skills I mentioned previously might at least be of some help.  I'm not the same as what I was pre-drug either but I know that the skills which I've learned in the last 5 years whilst I've been tapering have definitely made a difference to how I cope with things now.

 

46 minutes ago, Freedom15 said:

i eat a vegan diet

 

It might be worth getting a blood test done to check that you are not deficient in anything.

 

47 minutes ago, Freedom15 said:

I am walking at least 10,000 steps a day

 

That's good.  However learning relaxation and self talk is different and might help when you feel the anger building.

[Freedom15]

Hi Chessie,

 

I have quite a good support network around other help i get and i have been working alot with that in the situations that cause issues. I am also considering going for trauma therapy.

 

Councilling i have always considered to be not needed till i am off the medicatin but i will give it a thought and speak to my doctor about it when we speak again.

 

It's really difficult because it just comes out of me at anypoint of the day and i dont feel in control.

 

Living in a house hold that changes dynamics every week is really hard.

 

Full 7 days me and wife.

3 days 3 kids here.

5 days 1 child here.

Back to Full 7 day me an wife.

 

The house is constantly changing an dso is the way i live and the peace.

 

Somethings got to be sorrted because it's causing me and my wife massive upset to point i can see it ruining our marriage.

 

 

 

[ChessieCat]

5 minutes ago, Freedom15 said:

I am also considering going for trauma therapy.

 

I think that it would be better to learn life skills, self soothing, coping and relaxation techniques before starting trauma therapy.  After that you and your wife might benefit from learning some relationship skills, not marriage counselling.  When my daughter and her then boyfriend were having difficulties I suggested a relationship course and they both found it very helpful.

[ChessieCat]

9 minutes ago, Freedom15 said:

It's really difficult because it just comes out of me at anypoint of the day and i dont feel in control.

 

The right sort of counsellor may be able to help you learn to recognise that it is starting and may be able to teach you ways to cope with it and/or reduce the intensity.

[Freedom15]

Still Holding..

 

The anger and aggitaton has carmed down massively this is defornatly a withdrawl effect for sure.

Possible got another month that i will hold for so that will be nearly 3-4 months holding.

 

Then i will reduce again.

 

The positive thing seems that with the holding i have stabilised out better.

 

Not looking forwards to reduction again but will deal with that when get there.

[SurreyGuy]

Hi Freedom15, 

I stumbled upon this thread and wanted to know how your amitriptyline tapering is going? 

This is the last drug I am trying to taper from and I am presently at 15.45mg (I was on 25mg initially). My central nervous system is still very sensitive from a benzodiazepine cold-turkey by my GP last year so I struggle tapering further. I probably need to recover from the benzo CT before pushing further with the amitriptyline tapering I guess...

[Freedom15]

Hi SurreyGuy..

 

I would try to give yourself some time to heal.

 

Holding has really not been my favorite thing as i feel like i amm not doing anything. It's so important tho to allow your body and CNS to heal.

 

Reducing on a destabilaised CNS will only bring more destabilsation.

 

I am feeeling alot better for this hold. It's been longest hold other than when first reinstated.

 

I will reduce again once i run out of this set meds i made up.

 

It's been the hardest thing i have evver done. It's really been tuff coming of this medication.

 

I just hope you get it easier than i have becasue it has tested me all the way.

 

Stay in touch it's alsways good to know your not just the only one going through this.

 

I have made it to a vary low dose and the effects are still big.

 

These meds are vary powerful and i dont think anyone really knows what they are gettin gthemselves into when they first take this stuff.

[Freedom15]

21 days left to reduction day.

 

Been holding for about 4 months now.

 

Been the longest hold i think i have done other than when i first reinstated.

 

 

[Freedom15]

I dont know if my marriage is going ot survive the issues of being on and coming off the medication..

 

We are arguing most days and i am just so tired of being under the influance of the medication.

 

It's just so upsetting the damage thats being done on a daily basis.

 

 

[Freedom15]

So after holding for 4 months my next reduction will be on this Friday.

 

Meds will be made up to the following :

 

10mg in 1950ml water

 with 0.02ml taken out

 

0.02ml added to 2000ml water

 

Final dose take from last solution is 0.08ml

 

which if maths are right will give 0.0000000036mg

[ChessieCat]

That's an incredibly tiny dose that you are taking now.

 

Have you ever considered that it might not be withdrawal symptoms that you are experiencing.

 

It could be that you have been on the drug for so long that you might be scared to stop it.  Life throws up things which we have little to no control over.  Being able to make such tiny doses gives you control over something.  Stopping the drug will mean that you will not be able to blame things on withdrawal.  It would mean that you would have to admit that the issues are caused by other things and then you will have to confront them and/or learn ways to cope.

 

I think it's time you jumped off.

[Freedom15]

Hi ChessieCat,

 

Thanks for your comment.

 

I really wish it was as easy as just stopping the meds now and facing life.

 

Unfortunatly i still have quite serve side effects and whithdrawl at this considered vary low dose.

 

I will continue on reducing as i have a plan and there is an end to it in the near future.

 

I work vary hard on a daily basis to deal with life on life's terms and have a vary good support network around this stuff and have done for past 20 years.

 

I was only put on to the medication for headache relief so i was never in a position where i was being medicated for other mental health needs.

 

I will update how my next reduction go's as it pans out..