☼ Nathalou

[dalsaan]

A window,woo hoo !! This is evidence of what is possible. Always keep sight of that

 

Dalsaan

[pieuw]

I am very happy for you :-)

Just keep remembering that these windows will always return!

[blackhill4]

I love your attitude toward the whole "medical profession" of course not all doctors are bad but a lot of them want us to just take our meds and not question anything like good little sheep. Like when I went to the hospital, it's just your anxiety, you need  more meds! Withdrawal cant last more than 2 months so... more meds! I am glad you had a window, there will be more of them too. Remember your window when you feel horrible, others have told me to use this method and it really works. Because remember another window will come.  Hope you feel well soon.

[Nathalou]

Hi guys, today is bad again. On a positive note I fell asleep in 45 minutes yesterday evening instead of 4hours, all this with no benzo! And slept for 5h straight.

 

Woke up dizzy, brain zapy, head achy, weak, tingling and numbing and muscle spasm all over. I have a feeling of vibration on the inside, mostly my legs. It's horrific. The anxiety is quite bad and i feel nauseaus. I have big difficulty focusing on reading, it's like my eyes are "jumpy" and don't quite follow. Has anyone had this? And the internal "vibration" sensation? Oh i feel like crying today.. Spring is here but i'm unable to enjoy it.

[Nathalou]

Thanks blackhill, pieuw, dalsaan..

[Fresh]

Hi Nathalou ,  I'm delighted to hear about your window.   There are sure to be more on the way.

 

What you describe is part of akathisia - the inner restlessness ,tingly sensations , impulsive urges to jump in front of buses or a cars , or

off a building.   

It is catastrophizing , but it's on another level to someone who is well who catastrophizes.

When you get these scary impulsive feelings , reassure yourself that it will pass , and you will get better.   Because that's true , you will.

 

xxx Fresh

 

p.s.  I just did my intro , please take a look.   I had akathisia for a long time.

[Nathalou]

Hi fresh i watched your video it myst have been horrendous i don't feel i have to walk all the time but still feel terrible.

 

Oh you guys i do not know how long one can suffer like this; zaps, dizziness galore, headaches, feeling as if your head were in a constant fog, muscle spasm. How much can a human bare? If i only knew, how long... If i only had a crystal ball..

[Petunia]

Hi Nathalou,

 

I just read back through some of your thread, it seems like you haven't given yourself the chance to stabilize on any dose of sertraline since you reinstated because you have been jumping around all over the place.  As I was reading through I took some notes.  These are the changes you made:

 

Feb 11  reinstated sertraline 12.5mg

Increased to 25mg, but not sure when

Feb 21 increased sertraline to 50mg for 1 day

then back down to 12.5mg

 

Feb 23 1.5mg temesta

Feb 25 1.25mg temesta

 

For 4 days in a row Trazodone 100mg, 50mg 50mg 100mg

 

Feb 27 .62mg lorazepam  

and dropped sertraline down to 6.25mg

 

March 2 increased sertraline up to 25mg

March 7 dropped sertraline down to 5mg liquid

 

So that was 6 large dosage changes in 1 month, combined with the effects of other psycho-active substances. 

 

I think you are still on 5mg of liquid at the moment.  Is this right?

 

It sounds like you have had a small window, and this is good.  I think that if you stay on the 5mg and don't make any more changes, you will eventually stabilize, then you can start a slow taper from this.

Because you have made so many changes over the last month, your nervous system is probably quite destabilized, so don't expect to be stable in a week or two, it may take several months.

 

See:    The rule of 3KIS: Keep it simple. Keep it slow. Keep it stable.

 

I'm sorry you've been through such a difficult time, have been confused and have received conflicting advice, but I'm confident that with some time and patience, if you stick with one dose, you will begin to stabilize.  Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

 

Petunia.

 

[Pugknows]

Yesssssssss! Right on Nathalou! Keep on truckin!

[Pugknows]

Sorry, didn't see the pothole you fell into again. PugHugs coming your way.

[westcoast]

Hi and welcome. To answer your question about symptoms, many of us had trouble reading at first. Mine was a lot better at 6 months and fine now, two years out. I have tingle/throb of hands and feet, sort of like weak electrical current pulsing. Might be like your vibrations but probably not as strong.

 

It is hard to go through all this especially when it is completely ignored in the public dialog and often doubted by our own doctors. This is a good site for helping people understand that it really was the drugs.

[Nathalou]

Hi guys.

Long time no see. A lot of things have changed. I felt I had to take a break from the formum and focus on the outside world.

Since I last posted, I have completely tapered off the Sertraline, I am two weeks off and do actually feel better. Reinstating completely threw my nervous system out of balance and I became worse every single day and could not swallow another fraction of a millilitre of the molecule. I felt as if I was intoxicating my body and it became unbearable. 

I am sleeping better, I actually am able to sleep 4-6 hours in a row so that's a big big victory. I have gone back to work and am happy to have done so because it keeps my mind off withdrawal. I still suffer emotionnally and physically everyday, am weak, dizzy, headachy, experience spasm and pains in my body and am very anxious (oh lovely friend, akathisia) but I have experienced windows that are the proof of healing and today I chose to believe in my body. In healing. I probably have a long road to go but I am no longer suicidal (I am convinced the reinstatement and updosing made me acutely suicidal and aggravated every physical and emotional symptom of withdrawal).

 

I have found a psychiatrist that works in close collaboration with Dr Healy, she has translated one of his books into my languge, french. She has asked me to write my testimony and will send it to Dr Healy so look out on his blog for the story of my life, lol.

 

I will post updates. Hang in there, friends. The sun will eventually come out from behind the grey clouds and shine our paths with light.

[Nathalou]

Oh forgot I wanted to share some valuable information with you. My psychiatrist e-mailed Dr Healy about my case and particulary about my akathisia. He told her I should try Clonidine 0,025 mgr. It's a hypertension medication used in opiate, alcohol and benzodiazepine withdrawal, apparently. The usual adult dosage varies between 0,2 - 0,4 mgr/day, so the dosage Dr Healy has recommended for akathisia about much much less. 

 

I am of course paranoid and question every single chemical molecule nowadays out of extreme fear, even be it one prescribed by Dr Healy..

 

Have any of you had experience with Clonidine? Heard about it?

[LoveandLight]

Bump..I'm interested too, nathalou

[SelmaLady]

Oh forgot I wanted to share some valuable information with you. My psychiatrist e-mailed Dr Healy about my case and particulary about my akathisia. He told her I should try Clonidine 0,025 mgr. It's a hypertension medication used in opiate, alcohol and benzodiazepine withdrawal, apparently. The usual adult dosage varies between 0,2 - 0,4 mgr/day, so the dosage Dr Healy has recommended for akathisia about much much less. 

 

I am of course paranoid and question every single chemical molecule nowadays out of extreme fear, even be it one prescribed by Dr Healy..

 

Have any of you had experience with Clonidine? Heard about it?

 

Bump..I'm interested too, nathalou

 

I am taking Clonodine.  I experienced akathisia prior to the Clonodine but my drug history is very complicated.  I had a couple of bouts with akathisia after the Clonodine but both times it went away   But again, I have a unique drug history so don't think that I am an example of what Clonodine can or cannot do. 

[Nathalou]

Still suffering quite badly; horrendous acathisia, anxiety, headache, dizziness, nausea, muscle spasm, pain in throat/ear, tounge feeling thick and sore, zaps, tremors, impossible to read a book, concentrate...etc the list goes on.

 

BUT, as you know I have a new psychiatrist who is my life saver! I get through my week thanks to her, knowing i will see her and be able to cry about it all, explain all the bizarre, inhumane feelings (because none of these sensations are guman, it's just drug induced hell) and be understood. She reassures me every time; it's the drug, not you. The brain has amazing healing capacities, especially at a young age.

It just makes it all a little easier. Because my days are filled with agony from morning until evening but having that professional support makes ut somewhat bearable.

 

My story will be up on Dr Healys RxISK website in a couple of months. We really need to get the word out. Get recognition and prevent further damage and ultimately, death for some people.

 

Hope you are all hanging in there. Today is one of those "i think this damage is permanent" kind of days for me but hey, I've made it this far.

 

Clearday wrote these words in my thread a month ago; when going to hell, just keep going.

I hang on to these words EVERY day. They have gotten me through many a horrific days.

 

We must just keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is no other option.

[Nathalou]

*i meant that my story will be up on RxISK website in a few weeks, not months

 

And Clearday wrote; When going THROUGH hell (not to hell, lol) just keep going.

 

Clearday, if you read this; know that that phrase has stuck with me and I still repeat it every single day.

[clearday]

So glad that Winston Churchill's famous quote about going through hell has helped you....

 

My persistent ear ROARING and head pressure has been dogging me every day for four months now, and I am 14 months off Lexapro.

 

Otherwise, I feel GREAT and so happy to be med-free! My brain is healing day by day, SLOW but sure.

 

Only recently I have two-day windows of it subsiding. Then it comes back full force. But the waves are getting shorter too.

 

During my windows, I am tempted to post that "I have turned the corner", but I suspect that the waves will come back...so I wait to make the announcement that I am healed.

 

When the waves comes back, I too feel "is this permanent?"

 

But then I remember what one fully-recovered person has said, and which has kept me going:

 

“The recovery was slow and painful, but I became conscious of every little improvement as it happened. I got used to the pattern: something would get better for a while, then suddenly everything would swing right back and all that recovery would vanish. But I learnt the trick - once something had recovered temporarily, it was only a matter of time before it recovered permanently. It made no difference if it came back for a while... it had already revealed its weakness, and sooner or later it was going to be gone for good. That was true in every single case.”

 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/3523-success-recovery-from-protracted-zoloft-withdrawal-and-pssd/

[Nathalou]

Good to hear healing is happening for you, Clearday! Great window!

 

I didn't know it was Churchill, I just imaginedyour bird avatar and that beautiful blue sky, repeating the phrase in my head over and over again. I still do, every day.

 

I do consider myself to be back on square one, the months of withdrawal before reinstating are lost unfortunately I believe but hey, at least the drug is out of my system never to enter it again and no longer intoxicating me by the day. That is such a relief. And I did have a reverse reaction to reinstating, so it was getting off it or going completely insane. Dead maybe even.

 

My colleague told me today about her neighbour; a calm, friendly woman who comitted suicide last week. I asked her if she was taling any "medication" and she said she had started ADs a month ago. Another SSRI adverse reaction victim? A victim never to be reported. Noone will never question the ADs...

 

This journey has sort if made me into an advocate for data based medicine and I am thrilled that my story will be posted by Dr. Healy whom I respect deeply for spreading the "uncomfortable" truths about these drugs. This issue is about life and death and we need to screamit out loud; make our voices heard. One drop does not form an ocean but many do. Let our voices never be quiteted again.

[clearday]

It seems from your signature that you are on 12.5 mg Sertraline, is that correct?

 

But you say the drug is out of your system, never to enter again, so I assume you're off it, because the reinstatement didn't work.

 

I am relieved to be off the drug too. 

 

Yes, we need to warn people we care about that these drugs can be much more harmful than doctors say.

 

Many people don't want to hear it, they just don't believe us. Oh well -

 

We are suffering, so we think they would be interested in avoiding harm, and many do listen to us -

 

But many just aren't interested, any many are skeptical of our claims; they side with the doctors.

 

We can just mention it to them, but some people have to learn the hard way that these drugs can cause long-term harm. 

 

The main thing is that we found these forums, which show the indisputable tragic truth, story after story, new ones every day.

[Nathalou]

Clearday, I will be sure to update my signature soon, haven't had the time to do so yet. I am completely off the AD and all other meds (trazolan, lorazepam) since three weeks.

 

I have moments, minutes, when I feel okay but there is always something going on (spasm, zaps, nausea, dizziness, headache, burning, earpain, etc etc). It's very cyclic and varies greatly during the day. The akathisia, inner tremor and anxiety is constant to some degree but severly debilitating at times, like today when I am unable to get to work. It's by far the worst symtom, I just want to wrip my skin off it feels so tight. I used to LOVE to read but am unable to these days. Thankfully I can manage my working hours quite freely so that's a blessing. At least I haven't lost my job...

 

I have a bizarre new symptom and I was wondering if someone else has experienced it? Since three weeks my toung feels constantly contracted in my mouth, sort of dystonic. It feels thick and sore and like a snake. I have difficulties articulating at times because of it, but others don't seem to notice it but it is extremely distressing to me, especially the pain.

 

The most difficult part of this journey is the unknown.. How long yet? When will improvment happen? Will it ever? Will it all go away or will there be things that will linger forever? By far the biggest challenge in my life and I can only hope that I remain patient and don't panic to often.

 

How are you doing, friends?

[LoveandLight]

I dunno if same thing but often..it only seems to happen lying down that my tongue feels massive and then I feel like I'm going to choke on it which induces a panic attack.

 

I cannot read now either..used to be something I loved.

 

Best wishes for your continues healing x

[Nathalou]

Oh that's aweful love&light It's more like constant contraction to me, my tounge sits at the roof of my mouth unable to relax and feels thick, making my jaw and toung very painful. I hope it's just the neurotransmitters backfiring while reconstructing themselves..

[Nathalou]

Bad day. Just putting one foit in front of the other. Have been reading Petunias thread, lively poeatically written but oh ot makes me so sad and I begin to despair.

[Nathalou]

Oh good lord i'm back in the trenches, big time. Woke up with terrible zaps, dizziness, inner tremor and vibration, muscle spasm, vision problems, extreme anxiety and sadness and a thick, dystonic tounge. 

 

I was supposed to meet my parents at a café for breakfast but didn't get the adress right and my dad called to tell me that it was actually in a nother part of town. I got so wired up about being late that i nearly had a panic attack in the street. I waited for the bus and suddently got that urge that I had every day in february; to throw myself in front of the bus. Like my mind has been hijacked again. I cannot describe in words how aweful it is. 

 

I am also teribly frightened that I have developed some sort of dyskinesia with my tounge. It is constatly contracted and I can only move it to relieve the pain. Ofcourse I am panicking now that I have TD and that I have damaged my basal ganglia.... But maybe it's just part of the akathisia, I have no clew.. I'm in that panic mode again where I cannot distance myself from the symptoms and have rational thoughts about the whole situation. I am so terribly afraid, afraid of the symptoms afraid of a life in misery, afraid of never getting well.

 

I feel I am constamty bathing in cortisol adrenaling and stress. Cannot get my mind nor body to rest.

[clearday]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Nathalie.

 

I'm sure it's absolute hell.

 

I had a bad night last night with symptoms.

 

All we can do is soldier on, enjoy the windows when they come, and heal slowly until life becomes more tolerable.

[clearday]

.

[Nathalou]

Yes you are absolutely right, soldier on... There really isn't any other way about it anyway. Just keep going. But it's one darn difficult and terrifying road indeed...

 

I am sorry about your wave Clearday. Are you seeing some improvement from one wave to another? Symptoms easing a little or not at all? There seems to be no rhyme or reason in this WD process, no logic.

 

I "celebrate" 3 weeks off meds today and the only thing that keeps me going is that I try so hard to believe, that on some level, unbeknownst to me, healing is happening. 

I imagine my brain as a construction site: workers in very corner, lifts going up and down with supply, steam and noise and work: all in the aim to create a new, healed and functioning brain."Imac" send me a PM with a post from someone over on PaxilProgress who had written something along those lines, about the brain being like a construction site. It had helped her greatly in her road to recovery and I do believe some sort of positive visualisation is beneficial, albeit not always easy when the despair gets to you. 

 

When going through hell...just keep going.

[Nathalou]

On a positive note, I was able to read for quite a while today, I noticed that if I read without my glasses, my eyes are less jumpy and my vision is not as "staccato" as when I read with them on. But I don't see very well without them so I must look quite funny with my head dug deeply into the pages 

[clearday]

I am sorry about your wave Clearday. Are you seeing some improvement from one wave to another? Symptoms easing a little or not at all? There seems to be no rhyme or reason in this WD process, no logic.

 

I "celebrate" 3 weeks off meds today and the only thing that keeps me going is that I try so hard to believe, that on some level, unbeknownst to me, healing is happening. 

I imagine my brain as a construction site: workers in very corner, lifts going up and down with supply, steam and noise and work: all in the aim to create a new, healed and functioning brain.

 

I have had major improvements over the past year.

 

Like you, I continue to fear for how long it will take to recover, and what I will I be like one, two, and three years from now.

 

I definitely see my brain as that construction site. Those construction workers were busy working on my right ear for the last four months straight, it was always worse. Only within the last two weeks, my right ear is now the same as my left ear. So definite improvement there. And the slight left side numbness and scalp numbness always there at night for four months is now pretty much gone. Hence I got the sun symbol.

 

But a lot of more work to do.

 

Waves come back just as strong as ever, making us wonder if we will ever get better. But we know from those who have healed, that this is consistent with the waves and windows pattern of recovery. Read the quotation in red a few posts back; that is another version of the construction site analogy. He was on Zoloft and took a few years to recover. He was very bad at first, in a lot of pain. He's better now.

 

You have a very hard road right now, no doubt about it. I think about what you are going through, it must be hell.

 

Like you, I first went on these meds to address mild anxiety. And like you, I never should have been on these meds.

 

During my darkest days of Prozac withdrawal, many years ago, I had no idea what was causing the very bad symptoms. After a year or so of being stuck with my symptoms, with no improvement, I wound up in absolute despair. No one believed my symptoms, five doctors all clueless. The prescribing psychiatrist got impatient with me, I kept telling him something was terribly wrong, and he yelled at me one day to "knock it off!" I felt my symptoms would never get better. I realized back then that my only job was to "keep breathing", the mantra from the movie "Castaway". I had no hope of recovery. But I had to stay alive and function as best as I could, I was raising a toddler.

 

And wouldn't you know, three years after stopping Prozac, I was getting much better. Eventually all the symptoms cleared up. And wouldn't you know, since I never knew it was SSRI WD, I wound up back on an SSRI three years after I recovered from Prozac, this time Lexapro, to address minor dysthymia ( mild depression). And here I am again, in protracted WD. But now I know what is causing my symptoms.

 

If my psychiatrist would have told me back then, that Prozac caused the WD, I never would have gone back on this crap. Now I have horrible head symptoms night after night, and I could be in this horror for a long time. Who knows. But I will keep breathing, I will make the best of the good days, and sob my way through the bad days. I have reason to hope, although during waves I am close to losing hope. 

 

You are young, your body is strong and in a good position to heal. I am over 50, yet I am healing. And you will never have to go back on this stuff because you found this site, and know exactly what has caused your misery. 

 

We have no choice but to keep coming back here, always tell us exactly what is going on. We want to know. Even if no one replies to a post, keep posting. Sometimes there's just nothing to say, we are at a loss for words. I see that I am not at a loss for words today! 

[luv2knit]

Nathalou, thanks for stopping by my thread. I have been trying to read part of yours. Like you, I used to enjoy reading too, but was unable to for months. In the past month, I have been able to do a little reading, but only when the akathisia is not ramped up really high, which unfortunately it is today. So hoping you start to see more and more improvements soon!

[Nathalou]

Clearday, thanks for your ongoing support. It helps me tremendously.

 

I get so sad, and angry, when I read these stories. Lufes shattered and destroyed, for months sonetimes years, due to these drugs. When will this massacre stop? Not until big pharma lets go off her greed..

Had I only know before... Had that psychiatrist only told me.. Each and every one if us deserves to be able to base their decisions on the facts,not just on drug-company marketing dressed up as medical science... It's our lives, our health.

 

It's amazing to hear you got through Prozac WD, what resilience.. All this while trying to be a good father! I am so sorry that you were re-prescribed sSRIs again, it's just madness. Psychiatry is truly heading down a catastrophic path, taking innovent healthy people with it.

 

I feel horrendous today. Like i did back in february. No mening to go into all the fun symptoms but's it's just hell.

The intensive suicudal thoughts are back, telling me to end it all. The only reason i havnt yet is because i dont have the guts to..I cannot even call my psychiatrist because it's easter monday..

[Nathalou]

Luv2knit; thats geeat that you are able to read even for short amount of time. Are you able to knit? It's quite therapeutic and the hands move so it's not like reading when we are completely still, which is really difficult when having akathisia

[luv2knit]

Nathalou, yes--that's really all I have been able to do in my 8 months of withdrawal--sit in my rocker and rock and knit or crochet. Sadly, at this point, I am sick of it, and I can hardly force myself to pick up my knitting!

[Nathalou]

Clearday, that phrase the psychiatrist told you; to knock it off; it's just shocking. But i think it's more common than we believe, for people to be treated this way.

 

While I was admitted in hospital in february the doctor wanted me to take an old antipsychotic for sleep, I refused and he then told me "who is the psychiatrist here, you or me?"(the head of unit of the psych ER!). The psychologist also sitting in the room, laughed. All this while i was in tears and struck with bad anxiety explaining that the drugs were making me sicker and sicker and that i was in alot of pain. I later read in my medical record that they wrote; fibromyalgic patient...*sigh*.

 

My new psychiatrist was shocked and said, it takes only two people to create a madman.

[Nathalou]

Luv2knit, don't force yourself .

Hang in there.. Thinking of you and praying for you, for all of us.