LucaDiProspero: Risperdal: my story (living in hell)

[Faithbarelysurviving]

Ciao Luca,

Faith and strength

God bless

Faith

[LucaDiProspero]

So here we are. Two months has passed since last update.

Since then I have done and I'm doing a lot of things: long walks, CBT, meditation, praying/reading Bible, keeping a journal, writing some articles (in italian), listening to music/ watching movies/ playing games, going out with friends, going to a self help group every month.

That's a lot i know!

BUT

So far I have no improvements, no windows, can't feel anything from music/games/movies, no stream of thoughts, wow and that stupid silly question: 'why doing or saying or thinking about anything at all?' during the day all the day long.

13 months has passed, now I'm med-free and will continue to do all I'm doing now (also if for me it's liks doing random things) until next September then I will go back on drugs.

Yep other 8 months is long enough to see if there is any little improvements; if not, hey brain you dead eh? let's try some psycho drugs, wake up sir! I want to live again, I could have a lobotomy in order to go back to my previous life. It was so beautiful and the music...oh guys you can't imagine how wonderful was to feel a song, a sonata, Verdi, Bach, Mozart. And that feeling when you 'are into a movie' the world doesn't exist anymore and time vanished, yes you go with the flow and you aren't analyzing your mind. Instead all my mind does is going on with the same question about the meaning of everything all the time. Pfff!

See you next update.

[Rachelina]

I want to live again, I could have a lobotomy in order to go back to my previous life. It was so beautiful and the music...oh guys you can't imagine how wonderful was to feel a song, a sonata, Verdi, Bach, Mozart..

Luca, you write so passionately about this, you long for that feeling so much, I think that counts as a real feeling! I can relate: I can't feel love for anything anymore, but I long so much to feel that love again, that I think that almost counts as love. You will get it all back, I think. There was a guy on another forum who was so far gone, so dead inside, that he didn't even care if he ever got his feelings back. His posts were terrifying to read because he did not even seem human. But guess what...he got better!! It took a year or two, I forget, but he got it all back. You are nowhere near as bad as he was; your humanity shines through your posts. If he can get better, you definitely can. Hang in there.

[LucaDiProspero]

thank you Rachelina for your words, they are very encouraging!

I hope you are right because I can assure you I WILL NOT live like this forever, one way or another.

The real tragedy in my story is that my case is unique and different from any other I have read here on SA because:

 

1) I developed anhedonia/blank mind suddenly one evening about one year ago during a kind of panic attack, all happened in few minutes not days or weeks;

 

2) I have an OCD about the meaning of everything (action, thoughts literally everything);

 

3)I have not a single window in a year, nothing.

 

I suppose something got wrong that day, I have no progression, no development...my mind is frozen at the 23rd November 2014.

Not a single member here said "Hey, I have a similar condition! I'm fully recovered"; the two guys who had been on risperidone were jim24 and lapd and they stopped writing on SA, probably they have committed suicide

Anyway thank you again, if you see some emotions in my post, that's good! Let's have a little hope then.

[Martina23]

I dont think if you will go back on drugs that you will feel sonatas, Verdi, Mozart or Puccini. I think more probably you would get so indiferent that it will nevermore interest you that they exist.

[Henk1980]

Ciao Luca, 

 

I have read your thread with great interest. I was on Haldol for a year and have also suffered from anhedonia. This is slowly getting beter.

 

If you read your entire thread, it is clear that you have improved. At the moment, you are performing all kinds of activities, whereas earlier you did not. You are also entirely med free right now. Congratulations! Just give it time. I am positive you will continue to improve. 

 

Maybe it's also good to look into your OCD and anxiety. These are also know to cause anhedonia. 

 

Have a merry Christmas!

[LucaDiProspero]

Hey Martina23, I can agree with you if the alternative to take meds again is a future recovery. But if I have to live like this for the rest of my life, LOL of course I won't do it! In fact this is a fake life, it's a joke, anyway the brain is neuroplastic so let's see what happens.

Happy christmas!

 

Henk thank you for your post. I've read your introduction...wow man you are lucky you have recovered your emotions after one year of Haldol: that and Risperdal are the two worst drugs ever!

Ok, I have to say it's good I'm med free now but I'm sure my perspective about the world, life and things is the same as one year ago. As to say meaningless, artificial, unnatural. Again I hope it's only a matter of time and I simply have to wait other months to see a perspective change. Merry Christmas!

[Martina23]

Hello Luca, I think the problem is that you just got off the drugs and you are already thinking about starting them again if the speed of recovery is not the one you want. I think you can manage it drug free until recovery only if you believe that you recover and if you know that you want to live drug free no matter what.

[Marta]

Ciao!

It has been a lot since the last message!

I am surprised ... you have a great strenght of will doing all those activities!

Stay strong, as you are.

 

Hugs.

Marta

[LucaDiProspero]

Hey Marta , thanks for posting.

Eheh I'm far from being strong, I've cried so many times like a baby I'm so weak instead!

I'm fighting with anhedonia/blank mind and the silly question 'why doing anything, what is the meaning of life?'.

I really can't understand how people with depression or anhedonia don't ask themself why they should do anything...they feel nothing and they don't make questions! strange!

Please tell me, when you have that void inside you don't you feel like things you do lose meaning and they say nothing to you?

Happy new year

[Faithbarelysurviving]

Ciao Luca,

 

I was forced to take risperidone for some mths maybe, while hospitalized ....then abruptly stopped....so many meds were tried on me and then abruptly stopped....no wonder i am so damaged...Fight Luca....i am trying desperately to do so...

 

Hasta la proxima...

Faith

[Ayaa]

Hi, Luca! I am very sorry to hear you are suffering this way. I know what can happen to the human who takes psychotropic  drugs, and especially neuroleptics. I was taking haloperidol (that’s another name of haldol) injections in hospital for one and half month in teenage. After taking this drug I was in awful condition. Stupid and emotionally numb. I also could not orient in space, for example, it was not possible to cross the road and remember the rout. It took for me few months to come out of this situation that time. Memory, the ability to think and learn, emotions – everything came back. In 2013 situation was such that I had to take Risperidone (another name of Risperdal, the same active substance) for 3 months, then it was switched to Quetiapine, and 3 months later it was changed for SAPHRIS (asenapine), which I was taking till March 2014. So, as you see, last time I was taking neuroleptics in high dose for 8 months. Altogether with antipsychotic drug I was taking antidepressants, tranquilizers and mood stabilizers. But as someone noticed above neuroleptics are “other animals” and I also find that their effect is very different from antidepressants and other meds. And I agree that haloperidol and risperidone are transforming a human to a vegetable.

 

You mentioned that blank mind and anhedonia (here I was suggested to call it “emotional anesthesia” which is more correct, of course) appeared suddenly. In my case risperidone was making me slow and a bit dumb, but I was still in human’s shape. And even I was able to work in the beginning, on low doses. But when the dose increased my dumbness increased proportionally. In the end I had to leave my job, because I was not able to think at all. This situation lasted until I went to another doctor and he changed risperidone with another med. Quetiapine and then  saphris were also “nice” things, but they did not effect me so dramatically as haloperidol and respiredone did (that’s my experience, may be someone has different).

 

So I want to say that in my case  blank mind and emotional flatness also appeared suddenely. When I was starting to take Risperidone I knew that I was not functioning properly, but I could not imagine that one day I will not be able to wake up from bed. Before it happened I had some things connecting to autonomic nervous system disorder  like shiver, disorder of body temperature, very disturbing paresthesia. And one more point – after being emotionally flat I suddenly became hysterical (crying and having terrible fear). After that I lost all my emotions completely.

 

Another similar thing what I had was that feeling what you were trying to describe in different messages like OCD symptoms

 

It's like an over-active consciousness...

 

 

Yes, exactly, it’s like you are thinking about your each move that you were doing before automatically. As for me, I started to divide all my actions in small operations (I don’t know if I can explain this well). For example, when I wanted to drink I had first of all to remember that I need glass, glass is standing in the cupboard, the cupboard is in the kitchen etc. This is a terrible torture. It seems you forgot everything you knew before about things around. In the same time you realize that this is odd… No wonder after drinking a glass of water I was feeling like a the porter who unloaded the wagon. By the way, I have seen in hospital these kind of  things were happening to patients with schizophrenia during acute episode. And I also see the same thing happening with my very old granny nowadays (she is 90+). May be it has something to do with brain zones, which are responsible for coordination, reaction, memory or something like this? Whatever it is neuroleptic definitely effects it.

 

But the good news is that after leaving the neuroleptic you slowly get everything back. I think everybody has his own history of meds, his own reason for those meds, his own speed of recovery etc. That’s why it is not possible to say what time you will need to get your health back (and in my opinion it’s useless to limit the time of your healing with a year). But my experience and experience of people who were on this drugs for years (I know few personally) say that it will get better.

 

Not a single member here said "Hey, I have a similar condition! I'm fully recovered"

 

 

OK, then I say now: ”Luca, I was taking haloperidol and I fully recovered after it. And again after 20 years I was taking risperedone +2 other neuroleptics+huge drug cocktail (AD etc.) and now, after 1 year I am much better!”.  I can’t say that I am completely fine, but I am ALIVE. And I hope one day everything will be fine. If you will be interested you can see my updates, I am writing in details about my emotional numbness (which is still present) and how I fight with my negative thoughts.

 

the two guys who had been on risperidone were jim24 and lapd and they stopped writing on SA, probably they have committed suicide

 

 

Why don’t you think that they got better and don’t need to come here for support any more? Actually there were more people here with neuroleptic history, now I can remember the Bloodrush, whose story impressed me a lot. Look, this guy wrote that he is not coming here because he is feeling absolutely fine! And just look at his med’s history – he was taking risperidone, ad’s and narcotics (!) for years! And he wrote about his forced “treatment” in a public hospital in Kiev. Well… he did not specify that this kind of hospitals are worse then prisons (abuses of all kinds, up to 30 people in a room, terrible food, no tv or phone etc. etc.) and you can’t compare them with public hospitals in other countries.OMG he was there for a year. If he survived after all, if he is able to enjoy life again, why don’t we try to do the same?

 

Best of luck, Luca. I am praying for you

[brassmonkey]

"the two guys who had been on risperidone were jim24 and lapd and they stopped writing on SA, probably they have committed suicide :("

 

Let's please not speculate about why people had dropped from view.  Many people stop posting because they are getting better and don't need us any more, while some may be in a bad extended wave or just having to go to work everyday.  We just don't know their stories.  We take suicide very seriously here and don't like idle speculation.

[Tootsieroll]

There was a period where i didn't log in (a year or more) cause i was tapering and trying to live my life as normally as i could. Then i hit a snag with benzos and went over to the benzo site as i withdrew from that. Now im almost 2 yrs off everything and come by every now and then to read success stories. I'm waiting to write mine and i can feel it coming soon. For those suffering, just hang tight!

[Destroyed]

I am in exactly the same situation as you complete anhedonia no motivation I don't even watch TV like you do. At least you are at home not in hospital like me. Read my thread destroyed by olanzapine and you will see the terrible time I have had and still am, but I haven't given up fighting xx

[Henk1980]

Hi Luca, 

 

how are you doing? Any improvement yet?

 

Here is a thread about anhedonia that I found instructive to read:

 

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/83323-answers-to-curing-anhedonianumbnessapathy-no-1/

 

The thread is 80 pages long (spanning about 2 years)! The OP is a very intelligent person who tries to find a solution to anhedonia and who discusses all the possible medications for this disease. He even discusses many possible physiological mechanisms that cause anhedonia (and the mechanisms of all the medications listed)  This is on a pro-meds website (different from this site). However, it seems that few have much success with medications.  

 

 

What this thread taught me was not to obsess too much, not to invest in medications too much, and to have faith in a good outcome. 

 

Best of luck!

[Henk1980]

Hi Luca, 

 

just wanted to add. The OP of the thread I linked to eventually fully recovered without meds. I am sure you will also fully recover. 

 

Keep on going!

[LucaDiProspero]

Hey all, time to update!

Thank you for your replies guys, Ayaa your post is very encouraging, you really a survivor cause you took for months the real evil among the entire world of meds.

Henk1980 thanks mate, I knew about the story of itstrevor, I read his 80+ pages thread many months ago. Gosh he did ECT at one point with almost no results. I hope to have his same outcoming: complete recovery with no medications.

 

Well let me say my actual symptoms are unchanged, the usual 'why doing this? why doing that? what's the point in everything?', no desires/dreams/goals, no pleasure at all (lol a broken record I know but this is how I feel).

It's like a paralysis of the mind, a paralysis of the will, a missing instinct in doing things.

Again I'm always overconscious of every action I do, every thought I have in my mind and hyper aware of reality around my body.

Now a new fear rose: the fear of death! wow no surprise here, it is closely connected to the meaning of life I guess.

I also found I have some symptoms of chronic derealization (world doesn't make sense anymore, the question 'what's the point?', can't understand why people go out, do things together, listen to music and so on).

Now my only hope is that derealization goes away with time, I read of people stuck with it for 20 years or more...frightening uh?

Well let's wait for little more than 5 months then I will take that crap again (meds).

Anyway I'm still shocked by the fact that medicine poisoned me and not healed me, I can't accept it yet: seriously, I have always been very careful avoiding street drugs, alcohol and that sort of garbage only to land in my current state bah! How can the cure be the cause of the illness? It's absurd, non-sense!

[Marsha]

Hi Luca. Please do not give up hope that you will recover what is temporary. I have lived with condition for twelve years. I am starting to see glimpses of my old personality. I am absolutely certain that I will fully recover all of my thinking faculties and emotions. I feel some joy now. It is so beautiful. It will return. Stay off the antipsychotics. Your life will have meaning again. There are many thousands like us who have recovered. We will to if we just hold on. I am once again learning how to interact with people. It's distressing I know. But it gets better. Believe! You can do it.

[Henk1980]

Hi Luca, 

 

some reflections on your comments: 

 

(1) Well let me say my actual symptoms are unchanged, the usual 'why doing this? why doing that? what's the point in everything?', no desires/dreams/goals, no pleasure at all (lol a broken record I know but this is how I feel). It's like a paralysis of the mind, a paralysis of the will, a missing instinct in doing things.

(2) Well let's wait for little more than 5 months then I will take that crap again (meds).

Anyway I'm still shocked by the fact that medicine poisoned me and not healed me, I can't accept it yet: seriously, I have always been very careful avoiding street drugs, alcohol and that sort of garbage only to land in my current state bah! How can the cure be the cause of the illness? It's absurd, non-sense! 

 

I can relate a lot to what you are saying. I had (1) when I was depressed, anhedonic, or whatever you want to call it. I had (2) for a long time. I could not accept having had a psychosis, taking meds that numbed me, etc. My psychiatrist said that not accepting things is often not conducive for your healing. I think she was right (I consider myself lucky to have had a good and intelligent psychiatrist, unlike many here). 

 

All I can say is this: things got better for me when (a) I reduced meds, and ( I started working like I used to (a lot). When you are really busy, you stop asking these existential questions and just start living life again. I should add: I worked part time (on partial sick leave) quite soon after I became ill. However, it was only when I started a new job and had to work very hard that I noticed significant improvement.  

 

The same seems to apply to itstrevor (in the thread I sent you). He stopped obsessing, and things got better. Many of the mods here also advice to keep yourself busy. Things may not get better quickly, or you might not even immediately feel improvement, but still it is better to keep doing things. 

 

What are you doing now? Are you studying, do you have a job? 

 

I am not saying that what helped for me will help for everyone. Everybody is different, of course. 

 

Anyway, good luck to you Luca! Keep on going. 

[LucaDiProspero]

Hello Marsha, I'm happy you have regained your old self but hey! twelve years it's so much time.

I'm in Hell from 2014 and I can't bear the whole condition anymore, maybe you are a strong person I have always been a poor fellow, a weak soul instead.

 

Henk thanks for your kind words, really!

Yes, I reduced and stopped meds about six months ago, med-free from last December in fact

Also I'm keeping myself busy (only laying in bed when very tired), walking in nature, visiting museums and such places, going on with CBT, staying socially active, meditating and praying, writing articles on a local newspaper, listening to music, watching tv, playing videogames ...so much things! more than before medications ahah

BUT the anhedonia is unchanged, same for the existential thoughts about meaning of life and things. The fear of nothingness after death is also here all the day every day.

Henk maybe this life is the real Hell, not the one you can find in the Afterlife; really, I'm still waiting for a window of emotions!

 

So my assumption here is my brain can't go back in the natural state and the only way I know to change this fact is through psych medicines.

Of course it will be not easy but I have to accept it's the only chance I have to live a good life until my eternal sleep. I can't wait 10 years (maybe) to live a happy life, but I will give to my brain another 3 months. It has plenty of time to heal itself, so do the trick or take the pill!

 

Anyway I will keep you update when I take meds, I'm not going anywhere eheh

[Martina23]

Luca, 9 months off is still very less time. I started to notice some change now at 10 months off. You should give your brain more time off, with only 9 nine months your brain can not do so much healing, this time 9-10 month is normally when the turning point comes.

[Marsha]

Hello Marsha, I'm happy you have regained your old self but hey! twelve years it's so much time.

I'm in Hell from 2014 and I can't bear the whole condition anymore, maybe you are a strong person I have always been a poor fellow, a weak soul instead.

Henk thanks for your kind words, really!

Yes, I reduced and stopped meds about six months ago, med-free from last December in fact

Also I'm keeping myself busy (only laying in bed when very tired), walking in nature, visiting museums and such places, going on with CBT, staying socially active, meditating and praying, writing articles on a local newspaper, listening to music, watching tv, playing videogames ...so much things! more than before medications ahah

BUT the anhedonia is unchanged, same for the existential thoughts about meaning of life and things. The fear of nothingness after death is also here all the day every day.

Henk maybe this life is the real Hell, not the one you can find in the Afterlife; really, I'm still waiting for a window of emotions!

So my assumption here is my brain can't go back in the natural state and the only way I know to change this fact is through psych medicines.

Of course it will be not easy but I have to accept it's the only chance I have to live a good life until my eternal sleep. I can't wait 10 years (maybe) to live a happy life, but I will give to my brain another 3 months. It has plenty of time to heal itself, so do the trick or take the pill!

Anyway I will keep you update when I take meds, I'm not going anywhere eheh

hi luca. Believe me I am not a strong person never have been. Bear in mind I was in this state while on the antipsychotic drug for twelve years. I have not fully recovered my emotions. But I read success stories to help me and reach out for encouragement all the time. What can I do for you Luca?

[Deadpool]

hi 

LucaDiProspero

I have read Jim24's thread. Searched for risperidone threads and landed here. Will read your thread tomorrow. Its getting late here. Keep me updated on your condition. I have shared my details on other thread. Will share when I get time. Hoping for a miracle.   

[Henk1980]

Hi Luca, 

 

good to hear from you. It's nice that you are keeping busy. I am quite positive you will get over all of this, with or without medications. 

 

Can I ask some personal questions? [i am going to ask them anyway, but don't answer them if you do not want to]. Please remember that I am only saying things from my personal experience, and that what worked for me may not work for you. I am just thinking out load, hoping that something will also help you.

 

You mentioned earlier that you suffered from anxiety. As far as I know, anxiety is correlated with anhedonia. Do you still feel anxious a lot? Do you have any tools or methods to deal with anxiety?  

 

I quote:

 

Also I'm keeping myself busy (only laying in bed when very tired), walking in nature, visiting museums and such places, going on with CBT, staying socially active, meditating and praying, writing articles on a local newspaper, listening to music, watching tv, playing videogames ...so much things! more than before medications ahah
BUT the anhedonia is unchanged, same for the existential thoughts about meaning of life and things. The fear of nothingness after death is also here all the day every day.

 

Thats great! I think keeping busy is absolutely essential to recovery. But, I have to ask. Why do you do these things? Did you ever enjoy doing them, or are you just doing them because you have to? Are you still focused on the anhedonia while you are doing them? Here is my experience: I started sports, singing, and some other things when I was ill. Just because I thought it was good to do. However, they did not help me one bit. Because I do not really enjoy those activities, and because I only did them to get better. One of the few things that genuinely gives me a purpose in life is my work, and I did not go to work during that period. It was only when I started to work full time and quit medications that I recovered.

 

So this is the most important question: what gives (or gave) you a purpose in life? You often mention this question yourself. You state you do not have a purpose, that everything is meaningless (believe me, I can relate. I felt exactly like this. Depression/anhedonia goes hand in hand with being convinced that life is meaningless). But what used to give you a purpose in life? 

 

If you know the answer to this question, you can work on achieving that purpose.

 

I have to add one thing: reflecting on the purpose of life may not always be the best thing to do. You may end up concluding there is no purpose What worked for me is doing things I did when I was healthy and happy. I just went back to my normal routine. Can you remember what you did when you were feeling good?

 

Ciao Luca, you will be fine  

[Deadpool]

Hi luca,
Its been almost 4 months since I stopped the risperidone 'cold turkey'. I think its 1 mg, morning and night. Since I started the drug, I have been losing interest in everything and emotional loss. My ability was lost gradually. Even the libido problems. I enjoy watching porn but as I took the drug for a while, the sexual desire went away. Now i can't get excited seeing a nude pic or something. But i am glad i can feel little emotions sometimes. I gave a chocolate to some unknown little girl, she smiled and God that brought a tiny smile on my face. But no interest and no feel for everything like watching TV, playing video games, learning, exercising, grooming, shower, eating, etc.

For the first month after stopping the drug I was completely bedridden and fatigue all the time. During that period suicidal thought was there. Then the suicide thought subsided after month 2. Also energy came after 2-3 months. I can do stuffs now, but there is sometimes difficulty in recollecting things. Fear that I can't do everything right. I can't function like normal human beings. I told my condition to my close family members and they say that they also lost all joy in life. Its quite common they say. God I don't know how to explain this feeling. They aren't believing me. No zest for life, no stimulation and relax feel from music. I don't know what to do.. comparing to you people its been only 7 month since I started taking risperidone and 4 months since I quit 'cold-turkey'.
I know suicide is a sin. But I need to work, live my life. Everything is difficult for me, even eating seems like a task for me.
hey Luca, I would like to know more about your condition now. Any improvement after stopping all the medicine?

[IDK]

Same situation here. I took Risperdal for one month in August 2016 (4 mg for few days, then 2 mg and finally 3 mg for few days) it's been some weeks since I stopped (without tapering) and I have severe headache, anhedonia, apathy, loss of libido, loss of interests and motivation and no sex drive. 

 

Please, if anyone has some tips for recovery or infos about withdrawal write it or send me a private message. I need help.

[NicoBicko]

and luca how are u?

[jmncrr]

Ive been on risperidone for 21 months now, and have managed to cut my dose in half over 3 months. Since being on it i am emotionless, and dont enjoy the things i use to.

I dont know whether to just taper off it over a few months and get it over with, instead of this slow taper which will take a couple more years, but this site says you can pay a big price for doing that.

I just dont want to become more habituated to the risperidone the longer i am on it. I wish i was like some of the other people posting here, and was already off it.

[peacepresent]

Hi guys.... Jim and Luca I have been following your anhedonia threads for a few months..... I felt the same void and lack of emotions except for crying which I was not sure was real crying or not. I have felt that since October until early Januray...

 

I took Risperidone 4mg since a sudden mental hospitalisation in August 2016. I am very anti medication and I was forced to take risperidone.. I had a bad experience with topical steroids for my 'eczema' that gave me a condition called red skin syndrone or topical steroid withdrawal if you google it is hellish..

 

I believe I had some issues with PTSD like symtoms from that condition as it is relatively unheard of. I smoked weed to kill the pain I also had arguements with my girtlfriend and trouble at work. I then started to feel tired on the tube to work and believed a few people were talking about me.

 

I had a withdrawal from stopping the weed and didnt sleep or eat for a a week or so properly then heard voices at night as I worried about some thing really silly like my girlfriend lying about me abusing her and calling the cops....

 

I was then taken away by the police when I ran away from going to a mental hospital in the UK voluntarily... I was then put in this disgusting cell for 72hours which had these mental health team diagnosing me it made my symptoms worse as the bed is terrible and no pillow or contact with relatives.

 

I felt like a zombie on the risperidone. when I got out I relasised I felt numb and betrayed by the world or something..... I read Jim24 story of no emotions and could relate and also lucadiprosperas.

 

I also read Peter Breggin things saying the AP meds can lobotomise your brain..... I think they can cause damage but also alot of fear causes damage also...

 

I had numbness and feeling despair and messed up sleep and eating habits a and stuck in my room since september 2016 to january 2017.

 

I had waves of feeling or thinking I am feeling something then complete numbness and anger and negative emotions....

 

I then found a TED talk saying the brain has its own stem cells and it can repair slowly. I also found another site called http://www.alchemyrealm.com/as well as other survivors called Laura Delano who inspired me.

 

I feared the mental health system before then I woke up and said no more.... I will never let them take me again.... I ate some dark chocolate and had a caffeine rush then listened to some music.... try this it has huge healing qualities

Carlos Santana believes he is a shaman after a LSD trip... Listen to all his live concerts loud and meditate with the purpose of letting your brain and re training it to feel again.....

 

Another thing I done to trick my brain is when feeling numb and dark and void like . Just force a huge smile and hold it... force a memory... I think of it like re wiring that circuit and your brain will enjoy this more and re wipe your memory

 

Listen to TED talks...

 

I took also a good multi vitamin food based... cod liver oil..... valerian root.... ginseng Korean..... magnesium.... complex b vitamin.......... passion flower....... hawthorn extract for the heart...... most importantly a high quality activated charcoal in doses of 13 capsules a day. I done around 20 a day. I believe this helped ALOT due to cleansing the gut out of ****....

 

I also follow a strict no gluten diet and no sugar in order to built healthy gut and use a good probiotic.....

 

OK guys so try listening on to that Carlos Santana music... and get up in your room in private and DANCE this is the first door way to feeling again. I play guitar and after dancing I then jammed along and it was loud and I felt it all the vibrations and cried in joy.

 

I am now in this positive wave for 5 days and pray it continues as I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel now.....

 

Jim24 and Luca please read the areas on kundalini on the alchemrealm website they are the real reason why you feel empty the psychosis is a HUGE experience and gift but when you have no teacher and come back down to sobriety the realisation that you may never feel that oneness again in this lifetime is feeling a void and numb....

 

message me back guys I have started to feel again...... I play Dota 2 and a few steam games and have thought of writing a book on these subjects or continuing my electrician career path or music.... My motivation is back.

 

I know your also will be ..... you have to learn to rebuild your your SHATTERED egos from the psychosis..... try listenening to Alan Watts as he understands the feeling of the void and death..... He helped my other big problem to recovering which was the fear of death.

 

I literally just believe that there is no reason to fear dying life and death are the same thing.... You wont realise your dead so do not fear it. Just live as healthy as you can. As I believe all illness starts in the mind.

 

Any way I am no doctor just a ex mental patient who believes hes a musical shaman or druid ....

 

message me back . Pete

[peacepresent]

If anybody wants to talk to me please add me on skype and I will offer you free music therapy sessions playing guitar to you.... I am interested to see if it benefits anyone....

 

Peace and happy healing....

[UnderPressure]

Hello Luca! I'm wondering how the anhedoina is doing for you now?

 

I'm about eight months off of risperdal and am in need of counsel from someone who is a bit down the road further than myself.

[LucaDiProspero]

Oh wow, over one year has passed since my last message.

I guess it's time for a little update! Bad news is my condition is unchanged: anhedonia, existential thoughts, fear of death (thanatophobia) etc. are still there. Of course this is terrible but at least I've discovered many hidden parts of my inner self in the last months so I can safely say I've gained a small knowledge of my personality and my interior world.

Also I started a new antipsychotic-working-as-antidepressant med at the beginning of 2017 (Sulamid) but with few results until this moment... maybe a bit of a relief from the negative thoughts (never gone away, the med only lowers their impact) but nothing remarkable.

Same past activities, same walks, meditation, friends, psychotherapy but, at the end of the day, going nowhere like everyone else eheh.

I really don't know why humans love this life, it's really..well..meh pointless.

Well I hope you people are doing better than me, I'm still reading SA sometimes but my mind goes often elsewhere, these thoughts keep running through my head and (the worst part) they are speaking the truth..that's the problem.

Maybe I have to change meds but my faith is nearly faded, anyway I will update my thread soon bye for now

 

PS: oh, I also became a vegetarian last year..why are we killing and eating animals? It has been a shock to me when I truly realized this crime. Shame on human race!

 

[Kiaza]

My problem is that I don't want to feel anything, since my withdrawal journey has been so emotionally traumatizing. I want to be numb in my body and mind so that those horrible memories and feelings of my early withdrawal don't rise back to my mind again and again. I can take your anhedonia and you can take my strong emotions (the positive ones, not the negative ones :D).

[NicoBicko]

kiaza dont be mad but i think you dont know what u r talking about..... anhedonia is like being in hell.

[NicoBicko]

and pls luca try supplements i did it and im almost healthy!!!